Hi, I was making SF about this experience I had and I just wanted to share it. I was doubting to make this public but It can be an assistance for others as it has been for me to realise certain things. I am still confused in this point of
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of insecurity while I was walking my agreement with A, and I started t participate in reactions in relation to the distance, that it´s an important point between me and him and I don´t know when I will have the possibility to see him and be with him and so that emotions/feelings were defining the relationship and I felt the necessity to stop it instead of being here and comunícate all the emotions and feelings I was having, and instead I reacted in stopping the agreement due to an impulse and now I feel more insecure and fearful of talking to him because I will participate in more energy due to the feelings I have for him.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel that falling in love is bad and so participate in polarities of it´s good/it´s bad
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of falling in love. I link this to a memory when I was younger and I liked boys at school and due to not being a popular girl, if someone realised I was attracted to a boy my friends inmediately began laughing and bullying me so I began to suppress that due to feelings of shame and fears of being exposed.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when some friends in a higher grade in school found out I liked one of their friends a lot so they locked me in a classroom with him and I felt so scared and ashamed and I just wanted to run away and I did - I found another door in the classroom that connected to some stairs where I was able to run away and go and I did - I forgive for accepting and allowing myself for feeling ashamed and fearful within and as this experience where I just wanted to dissapear and not seeing again the boy I liked cause he didn´t was attracted to me ( who will? ) because now he knew that I liked him so much and so things will of course change and I would´nt have an opportunity
Later on I had another experience. I began to be friends with a friend and I really really liked him since I saw him from the distance when he entered school. He is now my friend and 4 years later realised he was gay and when I realised that I was very very sad.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my friends called F. into the classroom where I was and they started to say to him that I liked him and I felt the urge/necessity to run away from there and so I did, I ran away from the classroon because I felt very emotionally moved within and as me by him noticing that I liked him although my patterns and behaviours when I was talking to him privately exposed me many times and he knew I had feelings for him, but at least anyone else noticed and so anyone can intervene in making my moves to "catch" him.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I realised F was gay and also at the same time I laughed at myself due to the irony and so I decided to never have emotions/feelings around anyone cause that will cause me to limit my expression and so "contaminate" everything in the friendship like happened in these experience becuase I was so inmersed in my "infatuation-cloud" that I didn´t enjoyed his presence and I limited me to be around him without participating in my mind and also instead of acting in the moment around him I participated in thoiughts/ideas/imaginations/strategy to be around him and I realised in time how I lost so many occasions to get to know him and having him closer as a friend - one and equal to me.
Was cool because as I said - he is my friend and although we don´t hang out many times I appreciate him a lot. I guess I will have to change that and hang wiith him more.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to realise the agreement didn´t worked cause I was defining it based on feelings and emotions and not based in comunication one and equal to him to support me in my process and so share me and my process with him based in honesty and in self-responsability, applying myself in the moment instead of participating in mcs all the time as in a regular relationship.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to think that in sharing and comunicating myself based in honesty I will feel and be vulnerable and exposed to be hurt and be “kept in the distance” and so not being part of anything.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to be in love with A cause he is a cool boy and I´ve enjoyed talking to him and that I connected with someone interesting and nice.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to be confused about all of this cause I want to stick around with him and to talk to him but my emotions and feelings are limiting this comunication instead of stopping me as emotions and feelings and start to express myself with him as I am with all the people around me and so breathing and sharing me without compromising anything.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad within and as this experience/situation because I always have to wait for "my moment" to be with the people I like because I analyze things and I have to be the one that stops relationships cause I see things won´t work or that they belong to other people or they don´t like me enough, so I have to move and suppres what I feel about them cause “Love” will just fuck everything and me in the way.
here comes another memory...
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to stop my relationship with M cause I realised he didn´t want me as he wanted his girlfriend and he was just dating me to have sex while her girlfriend was overseas so I was just a distraction, also, I felt I was lying to myself and also being agree in lying to another person that was in the distance and didn´t knew what was happening, without mentioning that I was going to just be a distraction while I was falling in love more with him.
I forgive for accepting and allowing to feel angry with myself for doing “what is correct” based on morals and so stopping myself from living, and also letting things flow – but instead I act based on impulses created by my emotions/feelings of fear and perceptions and ideas of feeling hurt/used and vulnerable.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel/think and perceive that if I fall in love I will lose people so I prefer to keep them as friends so I can have them in my life “intact” – there- without any conflict/movement caused by my emotions, I realise, see and understand this is fear inside and as me to expose myself and continue assisting and supporting me.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions of love within and as me around A and to feel very dissapointed due to not being able to have a normal relationship with him due to the distance and so I have to accept things as they are.
I am clearing things but I am confused - has been a mess. But at the same time has been a great support for me to unfold more points to work with
Thanks for reading