Danie's Writings

Danie

Danie's Writings

Postby Danie » 24 Dec 2016, 06:11

DAY 44: Experiencing Loneliness on Christmas

The other day I was speaking with someone at work. We were talking about what we will be doing over Christmas. She told me that she will be spending time with friends and family for Christmas. It came my turn to speak about what I was to do for Christmas. I felt a little resistant to speak about what I will be doing for Christmas. I was fearful about how this person will see me and feel sorry for me. But I told her anyways. My Christmas will be spent at work cooking breakfast for the homeless. I was satisfied with doing this and did not mind to spend Christmas alone.

I do not see anything wrong with spending Christmas alone. I was asked to go on vacation but I did not want to go. I wanted to spend time focus on myself and at the time of me saying no, I had studies to focus on too. Come to look at it now, I don't experience loneliness about being on my own for Christmas. I was just worried about what others thought about me being alone for Christmas. To me, Christmas is just another day. You can either spend it having a BBQ or doing random stuff. What is really only different is that some people doo no thave to work around the holidays. This gives people time to just veg out and have fun... Oh, and most of all the shops are closed so people cannot be consumers. With the shops closed & people not having to work, we are kind of having to spend time with each other & have fun. Is there anything else underneath this? Do I really experience loneliness??
My family are not the best of people. Being alone is much more enjoyable & beneficial then being with my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people will think of me spending Christmas alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people feeling sorry for me spending Christmas alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume people are going to feel sorry for me because I am spending Christmas alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because it is Christmas I am suppose to spend my time with family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being alone for Christmas is the worse thing ever.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being alone for Christmas does not mean that I have to feel or experience loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I can enjoy myself on Chritmas without having family around or friends around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label myself a 'loner' because I have chosen to not go with family for Christmas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to feel lonely because I am not with family for Christmas.



Danie

Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Danie » 23 Feb 2017, 08:54

Learn By Giving It A Go

In class, I am shy and less confident to participate in doing the practical work. We gather around the equipment and the teacher asks who would like to have a turn learning how to use it. Within me, I experience an immediate reaction of anxiety and shyness. I am never put my hand up to have a go while the class/everyone is watching. There is a consequence to this. Because I do not get up and have a go, I do not get a turn using the equipment, and that means I do not learn with the physical movement. The assistance/support from the teacher is cool too.

The Teacher ends up standing there giving practical guidance on the best ways of how to use the equipment. Other times, the teacher is too busy working with another group to have their attention. The best time to learn is by giving it a go and not being shy or afraid of what people are going to think of me if I don't get right the first time. It is all a learning process, and we're bound to make mistakes here and there. Just means that I am learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of what people around me in class, are going to think of me if I use the equipment wrong on the first try/attempt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shy about stepping up in front of the class

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less confident when in front of the class

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear using the equipment infront of other classmates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in front of my friends and other people in the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking like I do not know what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgments that people may or may not be thinking when they see me making a mistake using the the equipment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher's judging me on my mistakes when using the equipment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within annoyance, and frustration when my teachers take-over to show me a better way of using the equipment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the teachers are there to assist/support where necessary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being dumb, stupid, and cannot retain anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be harsh on myself in my own learning process when using the equipment in class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to get it right the first time that I use the equipment.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that we all make mistake when we are learning

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that making a mistake isnt the be all end all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that we are all learning and the only way to learn is to push oneself to give it a go/try/attempt, and learn from it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that stepping up to have a go in front of the class will allow me to assist/support others and myself to be shown/demonstrated how to use the equipment.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being the one to use the equipment will help me to have a feel for it all.

When and as I see myself being afriad to put my hand up to use the equipment - I stop and I breathe - i realize that to learn is to give all things a go, and push oneself past my own fears, and judgments, where I can learn from my mistakes, and others around me.



Marlen
Posts: 4140
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
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Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Marlen » 23 Feb 2017, 22:13

Very cool Danie,

I can relate to that process of 'giving things a go' where it almost feels a bit like 'giving a leap of faith' or jumping out of what we usually perceive as a 'safe zone' which is not really 'safe zone' in reality, considering it's mostly all of the limitations you've self-forgiveness related to fears and judgments etc. So in making that one move, that decision to do it, to go for it, every single time one gets to do this - no matter what the context is - but where we know we are leaving behind our fears, judgments, prejudices, a bit more of 'self' stands up within myself, that's how I've seen it and this is how 'bit by bit' actual confidence, self trust is built, through practically doing it, testing it out, letting go of the 'common fears' around making mistakes, caring too much about how others will look at it

But! In that also reminding myself: hey I am the one doing it therefore, if anyone has an opinion or judgment about it, it represents themselves, not really 'me' as I am here, I am doing it, giving it a go, testing this out, therefore they cannot really 'know' what it is to be doing it unless they were in my shoes entirely. And so that's how I've also tested then to focus on myself, what I do, what I decide and assess it in relation to myself, my own process, which is also a cool thing to do where then we focus on ourselves and not so much on 'others'

It is definitely so that this is about learning more about oneself and testing out ways to better ourselves, so, let's keep walking

Thank you for sharing!



Danie

Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Danie » 24 Feb 2017, 09:04

Very cool, thanks Marlen. :)



Gian
Posts: 1045
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Gian » 26 Feb 2017, 16:35

cool writings Danie.



Danie

Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Danie » 21 May 2017, 07:39

DAY 112: It's Not The End

When I fall into emotional states I sometimes think it is the be all end all. I am not the type to get upset easily by what people say about me. I can shrug it off, and/or bring it back to myself where I look at it as their problem that they see me that way, if they want to gossip about me, etc. When it is people who are close to me, I don't always get upset, and can again, bring it back to self. When it is someone who is in a position where my process is involved and assistance/support levels, and I am treated a certain way... Like, a person assuming, accusing, not considering to question, to investigate before bringing out all these words, it can be/become something I react to very heavily.

I will get overwhelmed, shocked, and not know what to do about it. I'll breathe, but it doesn't hold back all the emotions that are coming up in reactions to words that were said. Then, the emotions will take over, and I'll go out looking for solutions to what was done, and/or want to speak about it to someone, but the way I normally do this is in a reactive/emotional state. I don't have anyone to really contact in these times. So, I do often go into a victimised state rather than to get myself stable and go to a person stabilised to talk about the situation/event. The emotions will be so heavy and very emotional that I feel like giving up on myself entirely. I will often go to people in emotional states, and this is what leads me to being 'punished' as the word that I can only define it. The giving up on myself was the only option I saw within the emotional state, giving up on process, giving up on myself, and that's not what I want to do. I've been since I was very young, i'm progressing in life, I'm progressing in becoming more effective with breathe, and my writings. So, I cannot see me going into an emotional state or someone being ignorant of how their words will effect me determine 'The end'. Personally, I do not think there is an end to process. This is why I am here, and I walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone to other people in an emotional state saying that ''I've had enough of how people treat me'' and make that the decider of if I continue my process or not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself just because of the ignorance of anothe rperson/individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a victimise state, even know this person was right to say what they said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up/judge myself for feeling emotionally overwhelmed by what the person said, and letting it out.

I forgive myself that I hvae accepted and allowed myself to have gone to people for assistance/support in an emotional state, blaming, and stuff about what the person had said to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that giving up process is an option.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am to blame for that person's choice of words, assumptions, and accusations to/towards me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought about giving up on everything that I've worked so hard for in my life becuse of someone's else's words.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ok for a person to treat me that way.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that there is an appropriate person I can go to if this situation/event happens again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bring up the past in relation to this situation/event and go back through all the memories of how I was treated and feel like I just cannot take it anymore

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that no matter the treatment that someone tries to inflict, enforce, drive, penetrate, stab, jab, punch, or kick I am responsible for how I react/respond.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that what I did at the time was not wrong by releasing the motions it is then what I was demontrating to others that wasn't ok with the words that I was saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can ust give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am doing well in my process, I am writing, learning more, and will eventually get the hang of all things the more I remain consistent with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at myself for how I behaved in reaction to how I ws treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what certain people say is always true when I can tell it from my point/position to so that people do not just believe their accusations, assumptions, etc.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think about giving up on school because of this event/situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about giving up on what I want to create for myself and the world because of how another chose to treat me, and how I behaved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that person or anyone else not working with me because of my reactions to this event/situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I deserve equal treatment as much as the next person.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to view myself as worthless because I had fallen into an extreme emotional state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people can determine whether I walk this process or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people not wanting to work with me



When and as I see myself reacting overwhelmed & shocked about the way someone treats me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the person is responsible for their words, their assumptions, their ignorance, and I am responsible for what comes up within me in reaction to that.

I commit myself to stabilise myself before going to individuals that expect stabilisation in these time where I can then get assistance/support with the situation/event and express myself about it within stability.



Danie

Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Danie » 22 May 2017, 09:17

Going Over, and Over In My Mind About Event/Situations

There was an event/situation that happened that I haven't been able to breathe away. I have an ok Mind at times but after I've been through an event/situation that caused shock, distraughtness, and emotional outcomes, my mind starts processing everything, and I find that it can become a cycle that plays and plays. I am not likely to ever have those answers to my questions, and what was done is done. There isn't much I can do about it other than to continue walking HERE, Use the tools that are available. If we continue to circle over events/situations that happen we never move on, and we miss out on continuing to create for ourselves in this lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to circle in my mind about what happened regarding the event/situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that life doesn't stop for me regardless of what happens.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that dwell on the events/situations that happened

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about what happened in those events/situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed for the events/situations that happened

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people think of me about the events/situations that happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be a bad person for doing what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how people see me, and what they think of me because of this event/situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue over, and over, in backchat about the situations/events.

When and as I see myself backchatting about the recent events/situations - I stop and I breahte - I realize that life goes on, moves on, and one must continue to keep going regardless of any type of event/situation as life does not stop for some.



Danie

Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Danie » 23 May 2017, 11:21

DAY 113: Work Placement

On the 29th of this month I begin my placement at an Aged Care facility. I've had training in this field for 5 months now. It has been an interesting ride that I grateful for. In the 5 months that I've walked the assignment, applied myself practically in the clinical room, and met great people -- I must say that I feel a sense of security in what I've learned. Aside from the security there is still some nervousness.

I am nervous about 4 things. I am nervous about not living up to the facilities expectations, staff expectations, my own expectations, and nervous about making mistakes.

I would like to add to that the nervousness is due to lack of confidence in myself too.

Placement is an opportunity for growth. It offers dual benefits for me. I will have the opportunity to apply myself, learn from staff members, the residents/clients, and the facility environment itself. What would be required for me to be the best I can be is living the words observant, inquisitive, eager, well-dressed, polite, and the rest is all the physical work that I must condition myself into.

What I can draw from this is I have to go in there and do the best I can be/do. That's what it is about.

I realise that so long as I do the best I can do/be then that's what matters

I realise that using the breathe in this time will benefit my work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about not living up to the staff's expectations of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in front of the staff members who work at the facility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to get a job out of my placement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes that could potentially limit chances of gaining employment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about not living up to the facilities expectations of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting the staff down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake and the staff hating me for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about what it is going to be like having to work 6 - 8 hour a day on my feet.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this will be a learning experience for me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can work with the staff to find out more about the facility

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the more experience I have at the facility, the more confident I will become in my work.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that with the breathe I can remain more aware with what I am doing and achieve the words that I want to live at the facility.

When and as I see myself feeling nervous about going on placement - I stop and I breathe - I realize that placement is gaining experience, and applying what I've learned.



Danie

Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Danie » 23 May 2017, 17:45

DAY 114: Being Grateful For Consequence


An event/situation occurred in my life that has helped me to realise a lot about myself. In my whole walk with certain individuals, I've demonstrated behaviours of concern/behavioural issues/mental instability. As I look back when walking with these people, I do find my behaviours, not of the norm and/or the way I reacted to my mind not of the norm. Of course, the way I reacted to my mind these days is not heavy at all but in the past it was. But what surprises me is that even today, and still months ago, I never looked at my behaviours to/towards certain individuals to be a problem. How I did this was through blame.

Blame can be an absolute mask to hide from self-responsibility. I would blame certain people for my behaviours being the way they were. ''It is not my fault, it is their fault'', ''They did this to me'', ''My behaviours are right because they treat me this way'', and all other thoughts/backchat that has blame attached to it.

What was a big desire/want for me was to participate in the personal development courses. That desire/want being so strong was another factor that played a role in masking my behaviour & justifying. ''I can behave this way because this is something I want'', ''This is going to be good for me so I can do whatever I want''. Something along the lines of that. I am not saying that I still do not want to participate in the personal development courses, It is just that I will not allow that to constantly drive me to do things that are not beneficial for me and/or other individuals.

When I look back at my behaviours, it is a destructive path of behaviours that are chaotic. Even right now, I wonder how I managed to get myself in those positions and then out of them, lol. When a want/desire is that great, you'll do just about anything to get what you want/desire. But what I was doing was not what the courses stood for. My behaviours were always justified as I saw the want/desire to be worth everything. They're but if someone's behaviour is that consequential then maybe the courses are not right just yet for that individual.

Why I speak about this is because I had recently had what I desired/wanted for myself. In the end, I did have the personal development courses, but that blame & my overactive emotional behaviour was still there. They didn't go anywhere because the first thing I would do is overreact, blame, and victimise myself. That has been a constant & continuous behaviour of mine that people have witnessed too.

I met my last straw/final decision that certain individuals gave to me. I see this as very appropriate to assist/support myself and other individuals. Why I see this as appropriate is because it makes me look back and as I look back at myself, I do see the behaviours, the blame, the victimising, and it is so blatantly obvious to me now. I would not have come to this if it had not been for consequence.

I really needed this consequence. We have to learn lesson in life soon or later. If we are not taking self-responsibilty for our behaviours, and they're detrimental, then the only way is for us to learn the hard way. Learning the hard way & outcome of consequence, shouldn't be seen as something that is good/bad it is what it is, and you can either be greatful for it, embrace, learn from it, grow from it, and/or you just don't and become that blameful person continuously. So, I do respect the appropriate actions that were taken, and I am going to own it and grow from it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain/be oblivious to my own behaviours by blaming other individuals for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that anything that we so want/desire on a major scale that we would put ourselves and others through a lot of choas is not beneficial for an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden away from self-responsibility using blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified my behaviours/actions to/towards others by placing my want/desire above myself and other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand the benefits of consequence

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fight & argue that what I am seeing when I look back is not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put myself, many times, through emotional behaviours in a victimise state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for the way that i react to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being a bad person for having behaviour issues

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I will need to work on these behaviour issues so that I can direct them as best as I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain oblivious by not going back on emails that I have sent to people to look at myself in words, and see for myself who I am in my words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that embracing consequence is about finding ways to change that which caused the consequence itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the only way out of behavioural issues is through self-responsibility and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have affected myself because of my emotional behaviour.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have victimised myself, blamed, and then justified it through the blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting that I have behavioural issues that I do need to address.



Danie

Re: Danie's Writings

Postby Danie » 26 May 2017, 12:29

DAY 115: Past Experiences


I do not have the personal development courses for a year due to my emotional outbursts. I did depend on the courses to be the main assistance/support for my process. Now that I do not have them I have to look for knowledge/information on the forum, and use of SOUL a lot more. Eqafe I cannot afford at this time but soon.

About 5 months ago I received forum access. My plan coming back was to purely focus on myself. This meant focusing on my own spot on forum, do the course and communicate with people as little as possible. I found this to be unlike me given that in my direct environment I am a real people person. I enjoy helping my friends, having long conversations, getting to know people, etc. But because of past experiences that I've had with certain people it has made me want to participate less in a specific group. The experiences did play a big role in who I am now as a person & where I am in my life. So, given that, I did say that my choice of focusing on myself, focus on the courses, and communicate with people as little as possible to be comfortable & safe for me.

The past experiences have determined who I choose to be in a particular environment. When I allow the past experience to determine who I am it can limit me. What I've noticed as I read on the forum is that it helps me become more open. I see people writing, being open and that makes me want to do the same. By wanting to distance myself I am isolating myself. The process is about me but it does help me a great deal to see other people be open and writing about specific points

In the past, I was very easy to persuade & mislead. What the past experiences did teach me was that not all people in assistive/supportive positions can be right. That I should speak up for myself when something that is said about me is incorrect and most importantly to trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist coming onto the forums

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the past experience of what another person had done limit me from coming onto the forum more to read what is available

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let what I had done in the past to other people limit me from coming onto the forum to learn more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated by seeing certain people on the forum

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people can control me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too weak-minded, gullible and able to fall for anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear telling someone who is experienced that they're not right about me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the past repeating itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry about the past experiences and what happened in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to isolate myself in a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about having to make use of the forums

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about not having the courses for assistance/support right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that reading what is available on the forum will assist/support me in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to distance myself from the writings of other participants on the forum




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