Danielle's Writings

Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 09 Nov 2017, 13:26

DAY 92: Wasting Time Waiting

I have a tendency to slow my progression in things I want/need to do. I'll want to work on things, but I'll create excuses for not doing them. I'll want to write, start a project, clean and study. But the excuses that stop me are I don't have enough time, I don't have internet, I need sleep, I'm too tired, I'll wait until I have the internet or this tool and that tool or those tools. Slowing my progression down to a state of waiting for the tools. But I realise that I have other tools that do the same thing. They just take longer. It may take longer but at least I am not slowing my progression down. So we work with what we have and make the most of it until we have the tools that will be fast and provide more comfort. That we don't slow our progress down and/or sit in a state of waiting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the tools that will provide more comfort to my comfortable life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit in a state of waiting for the tools to create and work on projects that I want to complete.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can progress without having the tools I want by using the tools have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my progression by/through waiting for tools

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with the excuse "I am too tired to work on plan and projects"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with the excuse "I don't have enough time to work on my projects or plans when I can make the time for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use not having an internet connection as an excuse to not write or work projects.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can make the time that I have off work and spare time at work to write, work on projects, and plan.

When and as I see myself using excuses to not work on plans, writings and projects in my spare time and without tools to provide extra comfort - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I can make use of my spare time and the tools I have to continue progressing in that which I'd like to create for me and others.

I commit myself to use some of my spare time and the tools I have to live out plans, write and work on projects.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 14 Nov 2017, 08:24

DAY 94: Progression Takes Time

It has taken a few years for me to reach the position that I am in right now in my life. It took so long because of the past events/situations that occurred which had severe impacts to my physical life and my mind. I have had to face things that some people wouldn't have the strength for. I'm lucky to be alive still as a result of those events/situations. If those situations/events didn't happen, I'd have had a stable life and be similar where I am now years ago. But instead it was the seeds of other people that had a hold of my mind and turned it rotten. I faced homelessness as a result, mental instability, caused problems in my relationships, caused problems with my studies at the time and I was also taken out of something that would have been best benefit for me. All of which caused me immense pain in my life.

At 25 years old I've reach a position where I make enough money to have tools to assist/support me to better myself. Now that I've reached this position I have been wanting to progress faster as I see areas of myself that I need to improve. What I do see in myself is an impatience with how slow this progress is going to take to improve and reach the better me. I want the progress in these areas to be fast. But in reality it is a lot slower and will take longer. That's life.

I realise that the way to go about progression is to take it bit by bit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with putting on weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with building muscle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with being/becoming the best I can be for my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with being/becoming the best I can be in process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with learning MMA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with learning how to cook

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with learning about nutrition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with building a studio in my apartment for future projects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with my body healing from living a life of survival and rough times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with getting to focus on all these aspects of myself that I need to change, improve and better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with money coming in to assist/support myself to progress The way I'd like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with my self-growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with my progress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my body to shape and mold how I want it to be faster rather than slowly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with my health not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impatient with the life that I'd like to create for me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that progression will take a step by step and bit by bit process

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I'll be progressing bit by bit even if it does take slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to see quick and fast result of change and improvement in who I am as a person and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that soon as I put time into what I want to progress in, I will have progressed that one bit further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to have the progress be noticeable when I focus on changing my eating habits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that it will be a slow journey, but each time I focus, I will progress.

When and as I see myself being impatient with my progress in all aspects of my life - I stop and I breathe - I realise that it is going to be a slow journey, but each time I focus, I will progress.

I commit myself to focus on all that which I'd like to progress in to be able to progress bit by bit.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 15 Nov 2017, 00:51

DAY 95: Focus On Self

I have a want/desire for a partnership. I've seen it come up within me a few times as I consider individuals that I have met or am friends with. But, because of what I've been through in my life I don't want a relationship in my life at this time. I grew up in a disadvantage family environment, at the age of 13 I left school, at the age of 14 I became a full time carer for my disabled brother and that became my life until I was assisted/supported out of that position when I was 18 years, when I was 20 - 21 people who were supposed to be assisting/supporting me did injustice things that lead me into having mental instability, lead to homelessness and ever since then I've been doing my best to assist/support myself while doing process. So, I've not had a life where I can develop properly, go out experiencing going on a first date, testing the waters with other women, I have not completed my dip pro courses, I didn't have the money to assist/support myself to listen to relationship success support interviews, etc. I haven't had the time focus on ME. So, a partnership isn't the best for me right now. Friendship and testing the waters is which will be fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can use the space in my apartment to have a focus on everything that I'd like it to be/become for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that it's important to focus on creating who I want to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I am not ready for a partnership in my life as a result of all the situations/events that have caused damage to my life and lost progression

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I need to assist/support myself before having a partnership

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I have to go through a lot of stuff within myself before I can have a partnership

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realise/understand that having a partnership now would mean that I miss all the moments that I could use to assist/support myself in creating who I'd like to be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that friendship and testing the waters with females would be the best options for me as I work on getting myself prepared and ready for a partnership once I've investigated the damage, feel ready, and prepared to take another person on in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to have a partnership so that they can ask me the questions that I don't bother to ask myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can have a partnership later on in life when I have assisted/supported and built myself up and into someone who is ready for commitment in assisting/supporting another to live their utmost as well as myself.

I commit myself to test the waters and go on dates with females when I can make the time.

I commit myself to work on building my own life, goals and preparing myself to be ready for partnership later on life.

I commit myself to first assist/support me



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 16 Nov 2017, 00:05

DAY 96: Be With The Body

I am learning to express myself through MMA movements with a group who becoming more comfortable with me. I like working with learning with a group. It helps me to see where I have to improve, I get to practise the moves on them, they show me how it's done, they don't go easy on me and we have a laugh in the process. It's very enjoyable. In the three days that I've been learning MMA, I've noticed that I have more of a focus on getting everything right and less on the breathe. The breathe for me is a way to keep to myself but be here present with all things. It helps me to be aware of my body and see where I need to improve. When I am so focused on getting movement right and not be breathing I am less effective at MMA. I don't get to feel all the body's sensations of MMA. Only certain parts as the one move I am trying to get right. But with the breathing I can focus on the whole body and it helps make me less tense. It is not just the focus on getting everything right that prevents me from having a full focus on breath. It's the thoughts, worries and fears I get swept up in when participating in the group. The thoughts consist of insecure about how thin my body is, fear of not getting the move right, fear of what the group may think of me, fear of the other person not feeling comfortable, the person not wanting to spar with me, etc. Etc. All this steals my focus away from just breathing and being with the movement what I experience.

The body naturally learns. It is about getting that muscle memory in the movement. My body will remember of its own accord what it felt like, what it experienced, what it saw and from my own experience it's when I start to think do much that I forget the movement. So, breathing and being with the movement is what helps me learn faster and trusting the breathe will help me remember quicker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people think of my how thin my body is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when people could not tap me out and blamed it on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to MMA classeses in fear of what people will think of my body weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally that people define my body as boney

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my coach becoming frustrated with me if I don't get the moves right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the other females think of who/how I am as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure around girls who have more muscle than I

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am letting myself down because of my body weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unhappy with my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgements about my body being underweight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that accepting my body for the way it is now will help reduce pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain to my body by comparing it to others then making judgements, feeling less than, and not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can mold and adapt my body by eating right and keeping fit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on mind babble when at MMA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on getting the moves right instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on impressing those in the group.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that MMA is for me to work on improving parts of me, having fun and learning how to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego get in the way of learning MMA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego get in the way of breathing.

When and as I see myself participating in the insecurities I have about my body - I stop and I breathe - I realise that my body is not a punching bag for insecurities or any type of judgements that will limit it from expressing itself, learning something new, or breathing.

When and as I see myself focusing too much on getting moves right where I'm forgetting to breathe and falling into mind babble - I stop and I breathe - I realise that a focus on the breathe will assist/support me to learn the movements, and what I need to improve a lot quicker.

I commit myself to be disciplined with the breathe.

I commit myself to work on putting more weight on to turn it into muscle

I commit myself to be focused on the breathe when learning MMA

I commit myself to be with the breathe in all the pain and fun of learning MMA.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 22 Nov 2017, 06:53

DAY 96: Sleeping For Long Hours

I work for long hours. My job requires a fair amount of physical movement. On my days off I like to go to the gym for a workout session, go to MMA classes, bike riding and sleep. What I've notice becoming a habit since I've been working out at gym, doing MMA and bike riding is I end up sleeping longer hours to avoid the feeling of physical soreness. The growing pains of the muscles in my legs and arms I can feel when I move about. When I am in bed, remaining still, unmoving and relaxing all the muscles there is no soreness. Lol. It's not a great deal of pain it is just I can feel the little soreness of muscles on the bone and find it a little uncomfortable. The factor is more avoidance of the physical effort and mental effort that life requires at times. The effort that has to go into being an effective human being, the effort of effective time management, the effort at work, the effort to be physically healthy.. It all requires some form of growing pains. Even getting past resistances can be painful. Like you're trying to climb a mountain, or getting to a goal and a challenge or a problem occurs or this happens or that happens. Then having to work through it all as you have to do that or this to solve that problem or that one and this one happens and it takes you this way, or not having enough time, etc.. All the pains of life challenges is what makes me want to sleep for longer hours. But I realise that sleeping for longer hours isn't going to take the pain away. It may take away the growing pains of the physical. But they will come back as I continue to grow.

I realise that change and growth can be painful

I realise that life will be less painful the more I take responsibility for my reactions to challenges that come up in myself and my daily living.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid the physical soreness that my body feels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid the pain of daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid writing about what is bothering me from all spheres of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid work and problems at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid the pain of getting over resistances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid what needs to be done in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid what comes up in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for long hours to avoid daily challenges that come up at work, and other spheres in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to dream about a different world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to remain in dream land

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for longer hours to avoid the world's problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for longer hours to suppress my want to change my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep for longer hours to calm down reactions that I have to certain situations/events or thoughts that arise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sleeping away the pain is the solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use physical soreness of the body as an excuse to sleep long hours

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the body for holding me back

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to sleep for longer hours to avoid problems, situationd/events, my mind, my physical soreness, work or anything that relates to avoidance of my life or living my life - I stop and I breathe - I realise that life is full of mountains to climb, problems to solve, people to deal with, muscles to build, parts of myself to be revealed, there is no end to the learning of self. But what will help it be less painful, is if I take responsibility for that which I see in myself that causes me this pain.

I commit myself to be more disciplined with writing about work, identifying points that need to be changed, moving past resistances, and to stop avoiding the pain of growth.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 22 Nov 2017, 21:37

DAY 98: Being Too Much Of A Listener

Throughout my mid teen years I was not a social person. I was afraid of people to the point of not communicating with anyone outside my family. I had a lot of fears and phobias due to years of abuse from family members so I looked at everyone being just like them. I thought everyone would be like them. So I didn't speak to people and was afraid to do so. Being assisted/supported out of that situation I had to open myself up to people who were new in my life. These people were case workers, social workers and support workers. They would always help and listen to whatever I had to say attentively. They helped me learn that not all people are bad or want to abuse me. I started coming out of my shell more. But I still was a bit antisocial and stayed with myself. Which was what I preferred most of the time. I gradually started to converse with people in courses that my support workers helped me get into. I made a few and joined karate. What I would do and learned from the support workers is how to listen attentively to what people were saying. I was never much a talker so I became a listener.

Nowadays I enjoy socialising with people. I have learned a great deal from listening to people talk about their experiences in life. Everyone contains the knowledge within then and it can be accessed with time and questions. I've learned a great deal. Now that I have people who are in my life as friends I am realising that I need a good balance of listening and talking. If I listen for too long it turns into a bit like a counselling session where the individual will pour out personal information about their lives and the whole entire conversation is about then and me listening with minimal encourages. Sometimes it is then a little uneven as I've sat there not talking much myself but just listening. It has given me insight into another's lifeand they face. But as I am having more people into my life especially where it is not one on one communication and where I have to help individuals see the type of person I am... I am needing a good balance so that it's a two way street. So I realise for people to get to know me and I them I will need a good balance of being a talker and the listener.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the listener all of the time in conversations where it requires a two way street

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be a listener in conversations with people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so focused on listening without considering to add my own input into conversations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people will think of me if I talk more about my everyday life experience, insights and perspectives and general chitchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid to talk about how I experience my life with Others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe people don't want to hear what I have to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have to say about my every day living with people who share their every day living is pointless, not of worth, boring, and a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people and their words.

When and as I see myself remaining as the listen in conversations that are better two way - I stop and I breathe - I realise that for these people to get know me and I them it requires a two way street and if I feel comfortable to share/give then a healthy relationship can be created from both ends.

When and as I see myself being afraid of what people may think of me in all negative ways when I speak - I stop and I breathe - I realise that what people think is their own responsibility and all those negative thoughts are only going to impact on their bodies and their minds -- it does not effect me in any sort of way unless it is voiced and I react.. It is there then where I'll need to work on changing myself around that point of reaction in my personal time and space. So I realise this will be a good time to see what the mind will throw at me.




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