Danielle's Writings

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Danielle
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Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 12 Sep 2017, 10:46

DAY 74: What Stopped Me From Getting A Job

When I finished my placement at an age care facility, I was very keen to look for work. For two weeks I handed out my resume to businesses in my city. The businesses that I visited was not aligned to the certificate I obtained from my studies and placement. My certificate was focused around being a support worker in community care or a personal care worker in aged care facilities. My experience in the aged care facility and the feedback I heard from friends on their placements, helped me to make the decision that I did not want to be a personal care worker in an age care facility. I did want to work in community care. But, what stopped me from applying for support worker jobs is that I do not have my full license or a vehicle yet. The job advertisements specified that they wanted someone who has a license and a vehicle. Those jobs I didn't bother to apply for and/or I didn't consider handing out my resume to the community care businesses because of that reason too. What I did not consider is that some of these companies and business take on people who want to do afternoon & overnight shifts. My sister did make mention of this. But I still focused on the not having a license or a vehicle to be the major set back from me securing a job.

I did not put myself out there enough to because I focused on the what I don't have & the set backs. But even without a vehicle or work history (a part from volunteer work & placement) I still managed to secure a job. Other factors that played a role was I assumed that I knew what all businesses, companies, and/or organizations would be looking for. Most people will go with you just based on how you present yourself in your communication skills, and/or how you interact with them. The last factor was stress levels when looking for work. Looking for work was a stressful experience as I was impatient, very eager and simply wanted to be out in my cities communities working and interacting with people. In the state of stress, It was very uncomfortable, I didn't want to give up or take a break from checking websites and the determination was very hard to break away from. It's like a ''I will find a job''. It wasn't a very enjoyable experience so I parted my ways and went for volunteer work. Which satisfied that eagerness, determination, and want/desire for work & social interaction. After going for my second job interview and getting the job, I realised that when it comes to a securing employment to assist/support ourselves we have to not let what we don't have or the assumptions of what we think businesses may want get in the way of taking the opportunity to give it a go and see how it goes.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on my setbacks or what I don't have when it comes to looking for work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my setbacks as excuses to stop me from securing a job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that all businesses, companies, and/or organizations will not want me as an employee because of my things I don't have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on what I didn't have and let that stop me from putting myself out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on my weaknesses instead of identifying my strengthens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stressed out when I could not find a job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a state of stress and anxiety when looking for work.

When and as I see myself paying so much attention to setbacks or weaknesses - I stop and I breathe - I realise that if my strengthens out weigh my weaknesses & the setbacks, then there is no excuse too great or too small that can hold me back from assisting/supporting myself.

When and as I see myself creating a stress and anxiety state whilst looking for work - I stop and I breathe - I realise that with the way the system is at the moment, it won't always be an easy task to find a work. What can be done in the meantime, is take breaks, slow down, and set times to look for work.

I commit myself to focus on my strengthens and correct my weaknesses when I can.



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Danielle
Posts: 199
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 13 Sep 2017, 08:09

DAY 75: Fantasies About Decorating My Own Place

Now that I have a job, I am able to afford a place of my own. I've looked up the available units in my city. I found one unit that is I prefer over the rest and I scheduled an inspection of the place for tomorrow. What has been coming up since I was asked to come in for the job interview is fantasies of how I will decorate the unit. I'd fantasize about how I'd position the furniture, where I'd go to buy it, what I'd do for yard care, and who I'd bring over for company. lol. I've jumped way ahead of myself with this one. The reality is, I have not applied of the unit, I haven't got my first paycheck, and I haven't talked to my landlord about moving out. The thoughts I am generating... I may not even get to live out. When we jump ahead of ourselves like this in our minds ... we are simply creating more consequences for ourselves. What it will require for me to be the successful applicant will take practical application. Talking to the realestate, making sure I am at the inspection on time, gathering up my references, talking to my landlord, saving money for cleaners, etc. So, I realise that participation in fantasies that have no relation to reality are a pure waste of life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about how i would decorate the unit when looking at the pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about who i'd bring over for dinner, lunch, and/or just for company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about what furniture that I'd buy for th unit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about what my sister's reactions would be if I invited her over for coffee & chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about having get-gethers with friends at the place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have started calling the unit 'my place' when I haven't even applied, or spoken to the realestate about bringing this all together.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have future projections about what it will be like when i meet the realestate agent tomorrow at inspection

I commit myself to focus on the action that needs to be taken to be the successful applicant for the unit before I consider or picture what how I can decorate the place.



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Danielle
Posts: 199
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 14 Sep 2017, 00:27

DAY 76: My History of Stealing and How It Affects Me Now

I grew up in a family that did not have a whole lot of money. We were a house of six children with two parents. My family shifted/moved to new towns and cities when I was very young. One place they did stay for many years in was Tamworth, NSW. We grew up in a neighbourhood that did have its ups and downs. Despite the downs, we had neighbours who we would play with and were close too. There was domestic violence quite a bit at our place between my parents, and between my siblings. What comes to mind now is a traumatic memory of my father one night. Anyhow, that's just one memory. As a kid, I enjoyed going to school because I had two best male friends & a girlfriend that I loved to play with. In the school environment at that age it was very enjoyable. It is in this environment where I unleashed a habit of mine.

What I did develop in my childhood is a habit of stealing. The habit of stealing was something I enjoyed on a thrill level and the fact I'd have what I wanted/desired. I'd steal money from my neighbours, toys from my neighbours, steal toys in the store room at school and I'd steal from shops. The habit grew to the point where I'd plan about coming in at lunch into the storeroom to take toys, I'd look to see if anyone is looking, I'd come up with excuses if someone was to come in and see me, and I'd always feel that thrill of the risks involved when taking something that was not mine. I remember on one occassion where I went into the classroom while everyone was out at lunch to take the cars that I saw my teacher take from a boy in my grade. I happen to at the time, left up my teachers bag and see a $20 note. I knew that it would be more of a risk to take it and I weighed it up in my mind, and decided that it was too risky. I was in year 2 at that stage. Another one was when I wanted a jacket that a boy was wearing and it didn't take much long till it was in my possession. The aim for stealing was to never get caught.

The one time that I did get in trouble was because I brought my friend with me to take lunches. We received detention and had to buy the girl we took from lunch. The second time that I was caught was later on in life when my brother told on me when he saw what I was doing. Later in life, I focused on stealing from school and shopping centres. I'd steal to a point where I knew how to walk out of a shop without the beeper going off, without being seen by the cameras and without raising suspicion. At the age of 8, to impress my sister's boyfriends, I'd steal car speakers from a shop in 1 minute for them, and drive off. I did have a sense of pride in my stealing techniques and would boast about only ever being caught twice. It was pretty heavy.

When I stopped stealing, I was 13 years old. I was getting older, my mother met a sensible man and the risks for being caught increased significantly in comparison to being a kid.

Why I bring all of this is because yesterday at V-work, my co-workers were telling me one of the people in the accommodation units has had her rings stolen from the room. As she said this, I expressed my surprise and then said it's just the volunteers and the cleaners that go into the rooms. At that point, I felt a fear of other volunteers thinking that I stole or took the rings. It was like I hoped that people didn't think it was me. For a while, I felt like I had to prove that I didn't take it by and through my facial expressions, and the words I speak to give off a sense of.... yeah, basically that I didn't take it. Because of my stealing history, I feel a sense of paranoia at times. Going into shops is another time where I'd fear that people are thinking that I am stealing and/or that I am on watch. It is the same feeling that I experienced when I was stealing from shops in the past. I'd treat the situation as if I was being watched and that I'd have to sneak around the eyes of people. I guess that is one contributing factor to being fearful of people thinking that I am stealing or have stolen something as if they know about my past with stealing and/or that all the consequence of stealing is going to catch up on me. What I notice is that it is a paranoia and I realised that if I've got nothing to hide then I have nothing to be concerned about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel paranoid about people thinking that I am stealing or have stolen from V-work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people thinking that I've stolen or am stealing from V-work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that people think that I've stolen or am stealing from V-work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk into shopping centres feeling like I am being watched

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel paranoid about being watched in the shopping centre.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to worry about people thinking that I am stealing or have stolen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like all the consequence of stealing is going to come back to bite me in the ass

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the stealing habit that I had as a kid by having the backchat ''I was a nasty kid to take from others''.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backcaht ''I was a nasty kid to take from others''.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have to prove that I did not take or steal the rings by using facial expressions and certain voice tones to convince co-workers when if asked, I can simply be honest and say that I didn't take the rings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk into a store and feel like all the workers have their eyes on me.

When and as I see myself feeling like I am being watched when in a store - I stop and I breathe - I realise that if I have nothing to hide, then I have nothing to be concerned about.

When and as I see myself assuming that people think I've stolen or am stealing - I stop and I breathe - I realise that if I have nothing to hide then I have nothing to be concerned about.

I commit myself to be honest in my reply if I am approached about the missing rings.



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Danielle
Posts: 199
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 16 Sep 2017, 04:40

DAY 77: Distance From Relationships

Around the time that my dog died, I made the decision to not speak with any of my friends. It was a time where I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I finished my placement, did not have job, the hardship of everyday hurdles and dealing with past memories. All of which comes into survival.
I needed to invest time to work on all of these points. What this involved, was to cut off communication with friends and rebuild me. If I was to continue the communication with friends while working on all of these point, I'd be very exhausted, under pressure and all of it could be damaging for the relationships.Considering that some friends have problems and issues of their own that they like to speak about with me. If I am not stable myself, then I cannot not be of assistance/support for them. Who/how I am with my friends is defined as upbeat, motivated, energetic, enthusiastic, kind, caring, considerate and the leader type, always says the necessary words in that one specific moment that leaves perfect seeds for growth. I'd not want them to see me in any other light than that. If they're points that I need to change about myself.. problems and issues.. then I won't dish it out to my friends as I know that I need to assist/support myself with the point that I can manage on my own.

The time to focus on all the points was necessary. I did all that was necessary for me to focus on these points. I left counselling, I started volunteering, I stopped remaining at home all the time, I worked on building websites for my businesses, I exercised more, ate more, walked more, visited family more and got out some anger that I had for the way people treated me over the years, and I got a job. I've rebuilt myself to a level of stability that I am happy with and the extra opportunities that are there for future reference. What I did not do in that time let my friends know before I decided to stop talking to them. I just kind of disappeared and didn't let them know what happened. Once I started talking to them again, I feel a distance because of that. We have to maintain our relationships because IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVE GREAT PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES. It is very important to watch our steps with friends and to let them know when we need time to ourselves. Basically, being honest and upfront. Keeps them in our lives. So, I realised that if I need time to focus on rebuilding my life than to let friends know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to be so energetically happy consistently when with my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cut off communication with friends without letting them know why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not let my friends know why I wont be in communication with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ignored phone calls from friends so I do not have to reschedule or meet up with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to believe that I have to be upbeat, motivated, energetic and full of positivity with my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can be comfortable, calm, and relaxed with friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/relaise/understand that relationships need to be maintained so that they can continue to grow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caused worry among my friends from my disappearance by/through not telling them why I wouldn't be in communication with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that giving what I'd like to receive to my friends is a sure way to assist/support the relationships to grow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that regular communication is important in maintaining the relationships that we have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my friends seeing all the sides to me that I do not want them to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in front of my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about problems and issues that may occur or that I may have with my friends

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can share these sides in a way where it is beneficial for the relationships and to assist/support myself with the point by using words and different approaches.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unleashing all emotions onto friends is a way to help the relationships grow or be maintained for future.

I commit myself to let my friends know when I need to work on and rebuild myself.

I commit myself to let my friends know when I need alone time.



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Danielle
Posts: 199
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 18 Sep 2017, 11:18

DAY 78: Nervousness And Fear For First Work Shift

As a personal support worker I'll be assisting/supporting a variety of individuals. The main people that I'll be supporting will be people who require/need assistance/support with daily living. They could have a mental health condition, a physical disability, psychotic disorder, PSTD and/or down syndrome, etc. I've have had formal training in assisting/support people with a mental health condition or a disability. The experience I have working with people is from personal, work placement and volunteer experience. Although I have experience, I have felt some nervousness come up about how I will go without any employee training me to work with particular clients. On the other hand, I do have confidence in what I've learned, been told and training from induction. It's just that first jump into it, getting myself conditioned, learning how the clients likes things, their capabilities, their likes and dislikes, their triggers and working on from there to assist/support them and myself in the work I do. If anything, I am eager and excited to dive into my work and begin. I have a lot to learn and that is the best part about it all. If I need or run into problems I can call the office, and/or for petty things, I can call my sister or text her to give me some advice, etc. There is a plethora of knowledge/information out there to assist/support me to be the best I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the first 24 hour shift that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the client not liking the way I look, how speak and/or how I work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear abusive from the clients.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear verbal abuse from the clients.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake on the first shift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I am going to go doing a 24 hour shift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes with medications

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to take on a greater responsibility if the client is in a physical state/condition that is fragile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to apply first-aid in an emergency situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear emergency situations/events occurring while I am on shift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my first shift with my client will be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown of my first shift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to my client not liking me as company.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to use my time to research all the knowledge/information that is out there to assist/support the work I'll be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about meeting my first client.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about my first shift

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about making mistakes

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I'll learn as I have first-hand experience.

When and as I see myself feeling fearful or nervous about my first shift - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I have all the assistance/support necessary to be effective at my job and it is my responsibility to make use of it all when in need and when the time comes.

I commit myself to use what is out there to assist/support me to be the best I can be in my work.



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Danielle
Posts: 199
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 19 Sep 2017, 13:11

Day 79: Rush, Rush and More Rush

Today was a very busy day for me. I had set plans to fill in forms for a inner city unit that is centralised to everything. I was expecting my benefits to come through and when didn't I did, as an instant reaction, feel slightly annoyed with myself. In Australia, if you're receiving benefits it's a requirement that you report that you're not/have not received payment from anywhere else. For example, a job or any other source. If you do not report on the day prior to receiving benefits, you don't get paid. You have to wait the next day once you have reported. All of which can be a real pain in the butt at times because if someone has forgotten and they have set plans.. Then it sits everyone back. I am grateful that we receive benefits for our basics until we have a job..but sometimes they can make hard sometimes by the way they design their systems. Everyone should have their basic needs met regardless of having a job or other sources of income.

Once I took that breath in and out.. I realised I'd just have to make do with what I have and live the plans I have set. I did have to drop some plans because they required the money. But the rest was just a matter of making use of tools and using my physical body more. Today one of the plans was to fill in an application for the unit. To do this, I needed to run back and forth from the school, court house, housing department, then to the realisation agent, from there to the unit, and then back and forth phone calls. They're atleast a 13 minute walk from each other. It all paid off in the end as my application for the unit was processed and approved. Now all that is left is packing, cleaning and moving.

By the time I make it home, I am questioning when life is going to be less of hardship. Lol. Then I realised that I am responsible for the hardship because of the decisions I make. I chose to rush into getting a place, I chose to get a job, I chose to send in that application, and I am choosing to move. This hardship is all of my choice and by rushing and rushing is how I create the type of hardship I am speaking of. So, when we think that 'things are being done to us' or "it's the systems fault" remember to ask oneself where I am responsible for this. One will find that it is I'm our decision-making and choices. Depending on what position you're in. Some people have very little choices in life. So, mainly for elites if the world. We are the decides to how we love our lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complaint about the hardship that I experience from the decisions and choices I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for the pace of me moving into a place of my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about the rush decisions and choices I make

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was a victim of the way the system is designed today when I was making the decisions and choices to rush into getting a place of my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself from the responsibility I have of my own life through the choices and decisions I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about having to rush back and forth to different locations to finalise processes with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for a life that is without challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on my physical by/through not slowing down and wanting to rush in decisions that are really suppose to take some time to finalise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the day I've had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make rushed decisions to get things that I want/desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate to how my rushed decisions and determination can affect the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not prepared for the moving unit process and made a quick decision where I now have to do everything in a few days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about getting the place I wanted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about me forgetting to report for the benefits payment.

When and as I see myself making rushed and impulsive decisions on things that I want - I stop and I breathe - I weigh up the pros and cons, if necessary, and I make a decision that will take consideration of where I am at in my life now, the processes and the money involved so that I do not compromise the physical body.




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