DAY 41: Embarrassed About Past Behaviours
I read a chat by a group of people. I enjoyed reading it and found it quite assistive/supportive. I then felt a reaction of embarrassment about my behaviours in the past and a few months ago. I knew that feeling embarrassed about my behaviours is not the way to go. Embarrassment is a limiting experiencing. It holds you back like any other emotion. Anxiety, frustration, anger, annoyance, fear, etc. I write this for lack of being detailed just in case. It is very difficult when people are treating you in certain ways that they know is not beneficial for you, but they keep doing it anyway. People can say 'not to react', and I know that it's best to not react, but it's very difficult when it's people who absolutely know what they're doing. It's very difficult. It's not a nice a feeling. My reactions were a result of how I was being treated. If I were not treated in these ways, then it would have been very different for me.
I read a blog post the other day about how no matter how bad the treatment is one must be stable. I understand that. But, in saying that, it is very difficult to do that in certain situations/events. I am not a reactive person to everyone just certain words that certain people say. If you've ever been in a real experience of, for example, a person coming at you full speed with a piece future ready to smash it right into your face, torse, and anything they can get at, and you're extremely stable without any reactions, then I take my hat off to you. If you've ever had a mental breakdown as a result of certain words being said, and you've believed other people, to a point where you distrust even you own mind, and you're in a state/condition where you're completely confused, paranoid, and feeling like there is two personalities inside your head fighting, causing havoc, and you have zero assitance/support, and you're stable, again I take my hat off to you. If people are treating you destructively, and continuing to put you into situations where you know is only wasting time, being moved over to one person, onto the next, and you constantly say that you don't need to go through this process, but people keep putting you through it, is a very draining process, and then being in a situation where another person does something and tries again to put you down in ways, where they didn't consider you, the situation or even look for another approach, it is very difficult to remain stable with all of the pressure.
I am not saying that it is not impossible, but it definitely would take someone who is prepared to put up with a lot of shit to remain stable under that amount of pressure consistently. So, feeling embarrassed about it isn't going to do any justice. I did react to a lot of what was being done and said to me. I am human, I am still learning, the fact I am still here writing, walking process as best I can, and still prepared to get to point where I do not react states a lot too. It will take time, it will take a process, I do have to educate myself more with information that is here, it will take trial and error, and it takes not giving up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about the behaviours that I displayed in front of a group of people in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about my display of behaviour a few months ago
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about how I acted in a state of a mental breakdown in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about me being vulnerable in/around people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my past behaviours in states/conditions of instability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my most recent behaviours after an event/situation had occurred.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of not being stable when going through a process that I didn't agree with and wanted for a different solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of how I behaved in times that were seriously damaging.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I am still learning as life goes on.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that to assist/support myself more I will have to listen to more interviews, write more, and be more disciplined with the breathe.
I commit myself to listen to an interview each day
I commit myself to keep at writing, forgiving, and being/becoming consistent with the breath.