DAY 98: Funeral, Speech and Interaction
I wake up later than I planned. My alarm did not go off. I did have an hour and a half to get ready. I was excited about today. It was the day that we were to go on another excursion. For this excursion, we visited a family funeral business that has been operating for 117 years. I had made plans the night before to walk with a friend of mine to the funeral business. We lived close to the location, and we preferred to just walk there.
We arrived there earlier so we occupied ourselves through conversation. More people did start to show up which give us more interaction while we wait. Lol. It's fun because we all stand in a group circle speaking about a topic, and it flows back and forth to different people. We laugh and talk about stuff that is related to the course, how we feel about stuff, etc.
Plenty more people started to arrive so we were ushered in by our teachers. The teachers were very well dressed. They prepare themselves this way to look their best when they're meeting with people who they form arrangments with for school visits & or placements. I like my teachers because they're very honest with who they do. They share a lot with us and they're happy to be themselves. They're great role models, and very caring. It's cool.
Anyways, once ushered in we were brought to a conference looking room with a projector screen. There were tables, cups, tea, coffee, and waitresses. We asked to help ourselves to the tea, coffee, water or juice. I had a plain water because I don't drink coffee anymore. It gave us time to say good morning to everyone which is one of my favourite things to do. I had finished my first cup of water and was walking to get another. One of my teachers approached me to ask if I would say thank you to the man who was giving his time to show us his world. What this just means is that I go up in front of the class and say ''On behalf of the school, and all of us here we would like to say thank you for......etc.''' Shake hand, and give the signed card 'symbol of appreciation'. So, I said yes. I was a tiny bit nervous on what I would say, but I had some time to prepare it. I took it as an honour, to be honest.
We spent about half an hour having conversations amongst ourselves as more people arrived. The things we get ourselves into can be funny at times. The stories that people have to share, and have experienced. It is fun to laugh with them.
It came time to have our tour around the funeral home. The way that I see funerals these days isn't my own preferred choice of how the body should go down. Despite that, I did open myself to listen to what was to be said, and what this man with so much experience had to say. We were taken to the an open viewing room where they allow for families to see their deceased loved ones if they so choose, etc. He started to speak about how he deals with people in the states of grief and loss in that time.
It was very down to earth what was being said. He respects that they feel this way and would prefer them to embrace it, and to be understanding with this clients. It was cool to see how much of an understanding that this man ha about grief and loss. He would have to know so much because he deals with clients who go through that constantly, and it is an emotional time for the loved ones. So, I was more interested in his experiences/stories than the funeral business itself. He held all the experience and knowledge/information. We went all around and were shown lots. We returned back to the first room we were in and it was time for morning tea.
I was so surprised about how much food they brought out. There was cheesecake, fruit, savoury foods, more cake, sandwiches, etc. Within myself, I did question ''whose paying for all this''... But it was all free. We were treated very nicely. I felt very comfortable after I had eaten.
It was time that the man would give us his talk about the grief and loss. He spoke more about his experiences and it was very interesting what he learns/takes from these experiences when dealing with families/loved ones, death, etc. He had finished the talk, and I turned to saw the teacher coming to me with the card. I was fairly nervous at that point but got up and said what I had planned than shook hands and everyone clapped. It was very enjoyable.
I was very nervous after I had given that small words of appreciation. I felt slightly shaken about it. lol. Not shaken to the point of being shook up, no. I was wanted to know if I had sounded ok, did it come out ok... I wanted to know what other people thought. Feedback. People said I did great, and my teacher came to give me hug and said I did great. It was nice.
I do believe I could have done better because within myself I knew that I was feeling nervous. I could feel that nervousness there, and I could feel the slight impacts of being nervous. These slight changes others might not have recognised, but for me they were very noticeable. So, although the feedback was saying I did great, within myself I knew that of the slight changes that would have made it greater, and that would have been to have that nervousness not be there. But, then I saw myself beating on myself about small/minor stuff. I didn't allow for myself to be satisfied with what I had said, and the way I had presented myself. I was focused on the small/minor details that I could see was the effect of nervousness, and didn't bother to focus on giving myself that ''at least I got up there, said what I wanted to say, and shook that man's hand. I did say what I wanted to say, and it did go to plan. Yes, there were slight difference of my voice tone... That only I could really notice... So, I do have that tendency of going into that immediate beat down of myself over the small/minor and insignificant stuff than to give myself that 'well done'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up for the minor/small details about or 'where I could have done better'
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to recognise the fact that I pushed myself through a point/experience even know it was occurring within me as a reaction to the situation, and the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself when I do not feel I've done my absolute best.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can look at a particular moment/experience without having to beat myself up about all the these that didn't seem perfect in my eyes.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that each experience that i have, I can reflect and become better through working on what I can change about myself to perfect situations/events and moments like these.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not let myself be satisfied with giving my first small appreciation speech and giving a gift.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people are thinking when I am the centre of their attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what people think of me when I am the centre of their attention
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about being up in front of people, having their attention on my words, my physical, and how I am going to conduct myself.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fear that people would have noticed my nervousness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people see nervousness coming out in my voice tone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous after giving a speech
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work myself up before having given a speech
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that when being in front of people giving a speech, it is really just focusing on the words on says, and the action of either shaking a hand and/or any other physical movement that suits the setting and what one is trying to do.
When and as I see myself beating myself down about 'not living my best' - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is not about becoming emotional about what I didn't do my best on, it is about reflecting upon what I did not do my best on, and seeing what I can and do about living the best that I want to see and be.
When and as I see myself being nervous about giving a speech - I stop and I breathe - I realize that giving a speech is about consideration of the situation/event, the setting, choice of words, and choice of movement in that time, it purely that, and it can be achieved in an alignment way where one can sync it to suit the whole picture.