DAY 102: Top Ranking, Representing And Superiority
I woke up at the set time of 5 a.m. today. I looked out my window to check the weather. It rained for the last 2 days and I was not sure if it was to rain again today. Outside it looked cold, wet, and foggy. I decided that I was to stay home because I could not walk to TAFE in this weather. I awoke at around 6:30 and took another look out my window.
The sun had come up so I quickly got up. I didn't have much time to prepare. But I did manage to walk to the school in time. It takes about an hour & a half. I make it before class time of 9 a.m. every time. This becomes a regular goal for me on days like these.
I am always grateful that I get myself up in the morning for class. I like that whole process of representing myself each day. By this I mean what I selecting what I will wear for the day, how my hair is going to be for the day, who/how I am in moment of interaction with people, who/how I am when I approach people, who/how I am in the words that I choose to say, my body language, and my breathing. That whole representation of me. Because people are watching, I am watching, and I have to live this life -- so I've got to represent me in all the best for all ways. In that, choosing which words I am going to live/be. Like, gentle, genuine, honest, helpful, etc. It is very fun. If people can learn this, then they can go a long way.
So, I am extra grateful that I went because we found out news about which facility we are going to go for placement. Originally, I was to go with two other lovely people to a new facility that is in the main city centre. When I was told this, I was not satisfied in myself. My teacher's had stated that they chose based on our personalities, and what they know of us. The facility deep down isn't the one I wanted.
I wanted to find out what my teacher had saw in me for her to make the choice she made. I approached her about it. She said that it was new facility (wanting to make a good impression for TAFE), and that I am very inquisitive. After hearing this, I did end up accepting it, and I was very happy with the people I was paired with from my class. This was all a few weeks back.
Today there was changes made. The people I was paired with and I have been chosen to go to a well-known facility. This facility I was very happy with. It was one of the facility I was going to volunteer at months ago but didn't have the time. So, hearing my name get called for this one, and all the people I'll be paired with, I was very comfortable with the choice.
What I did find myself doing in the process of hearing all the names get called for the different facilities was compare based on the group hierarchy in the class. In my city, there is rank status with the aged care facilities, community care and disability organisations, etc. So, I could see how they did choose based on personality there. Apparently, the top ranking ones will 'eat people alive', meaning, it's tough in that facility and/or staff expect a lot. So, now that I look at it, the top-ranked one's were given to the strong type of individual's, and the ones who struggle a lot in class, in their work, etc, went to the lower ranking ones because the lower rankings one's may be more lenient. This is how I was seeing it.
I was seeing the choice of what the teacher's had chosen for others as that which resembled the group hierarchy, and what I know of people. It's a good eye. But, to this, I did see myself look at people as less than based on where they're going.
The facility I am going to is, I consider, one of the top ones. So, throughout the day I started feeling sorry for people, and also seeing myself as privileged above those who are going to the lower facilities. I do think I am placing ranks on people based on their facility, and in a way rating their work, etc. All of this misses the whole point and purpose.
What people have signed up to this course for is to learn, and secure employment. It doesn't matter which one a person goes to so long as they represent themselves. If I were to go to a facility that didn't have such a good rep, and I had to work there, then what would matter is how I represent myself, who I am, and the work I do, what I learn, and I can work my way up, and learn so much by doing that. So, it does not matter to what facility a person goes to, or the rank of facilities out there in the community because it all comes down to who self is, and how we represent ourselves in what we do. The effort we put into ourselves, our work, our job lives, our family lives, etc.. It all comes back to self. The facility is all but a tool to upskill & strengthen words. Word such as caring, compassion, strength, etc... lol. Loads of words that can be strengthened in an aged care facility, and it doesn't matter to which one it is --- as the external world can be a tool that I can use to learn, grow, express and develop me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for people because of the facilities they were chosen for
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people within a ranking system of the same facility they're going to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are less than/better than based on the group hierarchy in class.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that each individual in class has their own unique individual minds that are filled with a different way of wiring that can be beliefs, thought process, values, and culture.
i forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that everyone on in the class has the potential to represent themselves as best they can in this lifetime.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that people are not a class hierarchy but individuals that are living certain words that determine who they're going to be in certain moments of interaction, presentation, and so will determine how people see them/memories that people will have of them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity those who are struggling in with their assignments in class
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spoken to someone about ranking status in a way that made me look/appear 'above others'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as below/above others because of the facility that I was chosen to go to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a facility is going to determine who/how a person is and the direction they go when it comes to employment.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the external is a tool for an individual to learn, grow, express, and develop.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is not the environment that determines the person's efforts.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that no matter which facility an individual works at... it is all down to how they represent, conduct themselves, and perform their duties and responsibilities.