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Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 10 Mar 2017, 00:52
DAY 79: Just Breathe
I've not been living as comfortable as I'd like to for almost 5 years now. In that time I've gone through some heavy situations/events that have had a lot of impact on my life. The events/situations have slowed down my progression in university studies, desteni studies, my development as a person, it impacted on the relationships I had in my direct environment, impacts to my financial circumstances, impact to physical health and mental health. A lot of experiences that I've for years and years have had great impacts on my progression in the system and on my personal development. So, I've never really lived as comfortably as I'd like to. Had the events/situations not occurred in my life almost 4 - 5 years ago -- I would have had the progression and the development as a person. But, it's rather unfortunate.
What I've been having to do for the last 4 - 5 years is solve a problem that was really constraining me & at the time survive. It has not been an easy task for me. It has not been easy because I"ve had to deal with mental instability as a result of the events/situations that occurred in my life. To which, I've had no real recovery from or time to really work with, because, I'm still surviving and not living comfortably. What I've had to do is push my development as person, the things I'd like to create for myself, my recovery, effort into creating myself, all aside to focus on working on getting a job through means of short courses. While doing all of that, I've had take care of myself on survival money. A lot of the times I am forced to go that extra mile compared to other people in their lives. That is because, loss of progression. I don't have my license, I don't have a car, I don't have a job... I don't have that which most of my friends have, or people who are 24-year-olds have in their lives. I don't have that which would make my life a lot easier for me.
I've been able to stand up within it all, and continue to go that extra mile for myself. What has been occurring is using my current circumstances & past situations/events as an excuse to not be aware of the breath everyday. I'd remember to breathe, but excuse would come up like.. ''look at everything i've been through, why bother'', ''I'll breathe when I am living comfortable in my life'', ''I'll be aware of the breath when I get a job'', ''I don't want to be aware while my life is like this''. It will be easy for me to relax within myself & be aware of the breath when life is comfortable. However, by not breathing, I am creating more difficulty for myself. In fact, the very reasons why I create excuses, and go back into the past is because I am aware of breath. Yeah, I might have to go the extra mile compared to my friends & other people, but breathing will make it far easier far more easier because it helps me to slow it all down, and not participate in the stuff that is only going to make my experience more difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my past experiences, and my current life experience as an excuse to not be aware of the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be aware of the breath so that I do not have to be present/in the moment with the current life experience I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my current circumstances for me not wanting to be aware of the breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that not being aware of the breath will make life easier.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that participating in the mind & not being aware of breath will actually create more consequence for me than if I were to be aware of the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my current circumstances are so bad that I cannot physically be aware of my breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed no see/realise/understand that I am in a position to create a better life for myself
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that by being aware of the breath, I'll be able to be aware of all the steps that I take to get where I want to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that be aware of the breath will help me to be physically comfortable in my body
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being aware of the breath will do less harm to my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my excuse for not being aware of the breath are correct, accurate, of truth, and should be followed
I realise that no matter how hard it gets I still have the breath, and in that the stability.
When and as I see myself using my current cirucmstances as excuses to not breath - I stop and I breathe - I realize that by breathing I am doing myself, and my life more good than if I were to continue participating in the mind
I commit myself to just breath, no matter how hard it gets.
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 11 Mar 2017, 11:51
DAY 80: If it's not beneficial, let it go.
Yesterday, I made a decision to let go of a course. The course was not benefitting me. It was not likely to benefit me because it doesn't give me the satisfaction that I know I could give myself if I let go of it. The course is not the one that is most likely to help me obtain employment in the near future. It was more a long-term likelihood. The course was alright, but I didn't have time for it. It would take up all of my time, and that's not helping me develop. I did not have time to learn how to cook, or tend to other responsibilities. Not fun.
I was disappointed about leaving the course at first. Then I just stepped into action to spend more time on my creation that is going to assist/support me to develop me. People may find my creation a little complex, too much, and if they do, then ok, but it has been really helpful for me. I am not using it to its full potential due to lack of funds at the moment, but when I finish the course I am sticking with, I'll have enough to invest more time init, which will help with providing more of an income for myself. So, for me, it has a lot of benefits. It is the way I use it, and what I do with it. It also requires me to step out there more which is super cool. So, I am happy with the decision. Just needed to make sure I had a plan B.
For this point, well, I've noticed that it is a tendency for me to take on too much courses. I think that I can handle all of the study load, but in truth no. It is because in some courses we have deadlines, and you've got to fit all your learning into that ..... 1 month... and if you don't complete an assignment, you don't get graded. I need more time when it comes to my learning process. I have a different way of learning compared to the structure of the course I left. Yeah, so I've realised that it is best to focus on 2 courses that are going to benefit rather than having a 3 that isn't going to to benefit me any time soon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an academic course is not going to be so time-consuming
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could handle 3 courses all at once
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is best to focus on my self-development, finding a decent paying job, and work on my creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that my creation will help me to develop the skills that I need/want for my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I need/require to make sure that i have time to learn life skills, and to take care of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I can use the spare time now to obtain volunteer work in the facilities to increase my chances of getting a paid job.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realie/understand that my time is best used for self-develop and increasing opportunities for work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed about letting go of something that wasn't really benefitting me at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do that course as a plan B if my creations didn't go to plan.
I commit myself to focus on increasing my opportunities for work
I commit myself to focus on self-development, and my creations.
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 17 Mar 2017, 03:37
I've been working on an idea that I've had for many months. It is an idea that suits me for what I want my life to be/become. There is money in it determining who I am/how I am, and the words I live out. It suits all areas of my life and is best for all.
Part of bringing the idea to life is the use of playing with words. I have over the years had an interest in playing with words when it comes to online usernames. In this day and age, your username, business name, organisation name, etc... is very important. Anyways, I like creating certain words for my idea. I've started doing this so that when I've got my idea up and created fully, nobody can sue me for use of that word. Of course, I cannot trademark every word I've created because that would be costly, but I can make use of the usernames online that may prevent someone else from taking it, and if it is one that I will use frequently then I may TM it.
What I am creating aligns to education. So, I went on an extreme binge for a while on creating all these usernames to max out the competition, and so that I no one takes to TM it. It is an interesting process to play with the words, and what I can come up with as well as words aligning to what I want to create. There are so many because there are different forms of expression and stuff that need to be investigated. Also because I make sure I have it on all the top social media sites. Each one is going to have it's own base. The words are all but a term for the specific branch of knowledge.
Alright, I do like this process very much because I have fun with words. I can see the potential in a word. It can become more depending on how it is used, and I enjoy this. But, what I tend to do is forget about the stuff that I have to do.
At the moment I am studying a short course. It is short because in Australia we require more carers for the disabled, mentally ill, etc. So they have the course for 5 months. I am iny 3rd money of the course. I've had an assignment every Tuesday. I like many others, haven't had much time to be relaxed & comfortable enough to learn/understand the material fully. It being such a short course and the shortage of carers, it is like we're made to learn human anatomy, all the legislation & laws, etc, whilst popping out assignments in such a short amount of time. Which leaves me not much time for anything else. Lol. But once we get out there into the facilities and start caring, we'll learn the skills we need. So, I guess all this stuff will have to be overlooked again in our own time. The course pace is not giving us enough time.
So, with the time spent so much on my creation, it takes the focus away from the stuff I need to complete. This course is a priority as it will help bring an income in that can go toward my creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to binge for long hours on creating usernames for my creations
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that finishing this course is priority so that I can make an income that will help with my creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my work aside to focus on creating usernames
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress out about not having time to focus on what I really want to do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my course will help me bring an income in that can help with my creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus too much on the process of maxing out competition & potential TM.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about competition when it comes to my creation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself out about competition
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go off rails and spend the day focused on what I can create
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my creations requires money as a tool to create it more & more.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that focus on the stepping stone of getting a job is a requirement for me to have the creation at its utmost.
I commit myself to focus on working on my course & getting a job which will help with creating how I want to live my life.
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 19 Mar 2017, 02:51
DAY 82: Don't Crash Before You Reach Your Destination
I spend my days completing assignments that have to be done for my course. To do this, I have to be in front of a computer. To be in front of the computer, I have to sit in the a computer chair, and stare at a computer screen for long periods of time. I don't mind it, so long as I do exercise every 2 hours. Because if I do not physically move myself, I am less likely to be aware of the breath and can fall into the mind when working with information/knowledge for long periods of time. It takes me a while to find all the answers to the assignments online. approximately 15 minutes for each one.. Because I have to then word into my words lol. Come to think of it, it's not really that difficult for me to complete my assignments. I have all tools to do it, and it is just investigate time in completing it.
What ends up getting in the way is my procrastination. I'll follow little thoughts that come up. These thoughts will be ''I'll just go on YT put a song on'', ''I'll just check social media sites'', ''Oh, here's something I can create'', and I'll go off to do that instead of spending the next two hours completing my assignment. I'd be able to complete the entire assignment within 6 hours if I were to stick to it. What happens is when I give into the procrastinating thoughts is that I then blame the assignment itself. ''This assignment is taking forever'', ''If it was structured by me, It would be easier for me to do it'', ''why do we have to do this''. It's not the assignment at all, it is just that I am creating all these experiences for myself to make completing assignments more difficult.
The questions are basic. The answers are out there on the internet, and all I have to do is restructure them a little bit, and make sure that I understand the information to some degree. It is really not that difficult. It is my weakness in following procrastinating thoughts that lead me to create experiences that are unnecessary for myself. The whole completion of assignment could be so quicker and less stressful if I do not participate in procrastination. I'd get it done quicker which means I can have more time for the things that I enjoy doing (which means I don't have to be in a computer chair), and the other stuff I have to do. Pro-cras-tin-a-tion to me is like being a PRO at crashing before you reach your destination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into procrastinating thoughts that distract me from working on the assignment questions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow procrastinating thoughts that lead to entertainment & further distraction from me completing the assignments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit following my structure that I planned for the day to procrastinate & distract myself from following it through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the assignment & how it is designed for me not wanting to do it or completing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the course material does align to what will be learning about in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry & frustrated about the pace of the course.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that by following my plans for the day through, I am not creating unwanted consequences & experiences for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resistant to the course structure because it is not of my own design & structure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my assignment is hard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breath while I am completing my assignment when I know that it would make the experience more comfortable for my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I only have 2 months left of this course to go.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can complete this course.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that after completion of this course, I can begin conducting my own research and creating my own assignments to be creative on my own without having a structure to do or a pace that does not consider my individual learning process.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can make these 2 months enoyable for me by just completing what I've got to complete and then I am all done.
When and as I see myself having distracting thoughts that will lead to procrastination - I stop and I breathe - I realize that by not following these thoughts, I'll make good progress and be able to spend more time doing other stuff that need to be done & other stuff that I'd like to do.
When and as I see myself blaming the course structure - I stop and I breathe - I realize that the courses structure has nothing to do with the me choosing to follow procrastinating thoughts.
When and as I see myself feeling angry & frustrated about the pace of the course - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I can make life more enjoyable for myself if I just stick to my plans for the day.
I commit myself to stick to the time that I've planned for the completion of assignments.
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 20 Mar 2017, 09:54
DAY 83: No More Instutions For Me
For the last 7 years I've been in the educational course structure. I've had difficulties & life circumstance occurs that had really slowed down my progression in the education courses. The normal educational structure is to read your textbooks, make sure you use academic writing, correct grammar, don't plagiarise, complete to satisfactory standards, and hand it in before the due date. This structure I've become so used to it. I didn't realise that the majority of my adulthood has been spent under this structure. Soon I will be out of the institutional versions of this structure.
I am completing my very last institutional course that I am ever going to do. It is not because I have resistance to study or anything like that, I just find the institutional version of the structure very dry, dead, uncreative, and tedious. When you go into the educational course everything is already prepared for you. You are given the same workload as other individuals, the same assignment questions, and same textbooks. Then you have to follow the academic structure & make sure you have your assignment prepared in a month. The structure itself lack consideration of individual pace.
In the course I am doing now, there are people from different countries who don't yet have a high-level English vocabulary to use. They're given the same amount of work, same due date, and this is why the struggle. We're all at different intellectual levels, and we all study differently. Thankfully, we do have a quite lenient teacher that will give us time, but not all institutions or courses allow for that. Personally, I have not enjoyed the institutional versions of this structure or the strictness, and what you're having to adhere to constantly. I've learned an exceptional amount of vocabulary sets, I've learned that I am to not be creative, to not think outside the box or speak as who I am, I've learned to not be myself in what I am doing, and that is hard for me. No matter what degree I chose, it was going to be the same. I've studied many courses and the structure is the same. Everything is prepared for you, don't be creative, don't focus on what you want to, focus on what we've prepared for you then you get your certificate. In the course that I am doing now, I've not had much time to learn much at all. I've learned that I have to speed myself to learn everything at such a fast rate. The pace other individuals struggle with too.
It is not we don't enjoy what we are learning, it is that the pace stubs the learning.
I personally do like/enjoy learning. I could sit for hours learning to produce something creative. For example, maybe a Youtube video that talks about Autism & share it with the rest of the world. There are lots of things people can create through doing some research & investigation then finding a practical way to create something with it. This will help far more with individuals bringing money in too. There is so much potential if the structure was used properly in a way that gave people freedom & creative. There would be a natural direction of creativing stuff that would benefit life etc. This is why when I stop my participation in instutional version of the structure, I am going to continue using the structure but in a way where it is demonstrated of how it could be & how it should be for people. I'll be able to focus on what I want to create with it, and make use of my creation(s).
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 21 Mar 2017, 12:00
DAY 84: Excursion, Hospice, Interaction, and School
I am going to share my entire day. I like to share my day because every time I am at school interacting with people, I learn so much about myself, others and the world. It is really fascinating what I learn and I want to capture it all.
Ok, I go to class two days a week. These are the days that I get to socialise with people. The rest of the week I do not have socialisation on that type of scale. So these two days are my days to express myself, get to know more about me and others. It is also fun because I never know what I am going to be faced with at tafe. What keeps me confident is the trust that I can have with myself to make sure that who/how I am as a person in word, thought and deed is best for all. So, in that, it is what I make of what I face.
I did not have to get up so early this morning. I woke up at 6 because I was to wait for the cafe to open where I could exchange money for the bus. It was a rainy day today, which is different, usually, it is mainly cloudy with some spits of rain. It was cool because I got to wear my favour warm coat. So, I caught the bus, and from there walked to tafe.
I was eager to see everyone today. When I arrived at school, some of my classmates are the first ones I see. There was difference for the environment today. It was harmony day. Harmony day is like a celebration of various different cultures at the school. They had little signs up that were of people stories from their home country. They were stories that talked about the war in Pakistan, what it is like in Africa, etc..
I came across one of my friends reading one of the stories. My friend is from Africa himself. I asked how he was, then he started talking about a memory he had of his mother who is back in Africa. I asked if had gone back to visit her. He said no, and from their I fell silent and he did for a bit too. I did not know what to say. One thing that I recognized about this person is they don't like being felt sorry for. I completely understand that. So, as we were quiet, he said ''Are you a lesbian?''.. out of the blue. I assumed that he may have taken my silence for me feeling sorry for him, and then it being like a defence thing.. But, what he didn't realise is that I've been waiting for quite some time for someone to ask me that question. I literally had prepared for this moment. My response to this question was, and always will be, ''My sexuality is the very last thing you need to know about me. So, you'll have to get to know all the other stuff about me before you find that out'', and he pondered for a bit, and we agreed there. I learned that response from the interviews. I was content with that moment.
Standing next to us was another friend who is with me for the group presentation. We talked a bit about the presentation. I took it upon myself to create my own version of the presentation in powerpoint so that we didn't have to strain & stress about getting it done. I could see that some people were a bit less likely to understand the knowledge/information in such a short amount of time, so using my research skills, I just put everything together and put everything that needs to be read out. This, people, were happy with, and I gave the options for people to change or add to it if they so please. But overall, we have everything we need.
Once I finished explaining that to my friend we were to head to class. In class there is just more people to speak to. So, I go sit with another group of friends. There I speak with them about their assignments, how they feel, and what's happening for them.
Before class had started, I did ask my friend where another classmate was. I was a little concerned about this individual. I had not seen her in class for a while. I knew she would be struggling with her work, and has already had to re-do some assignments. because of her absences from class, she missed out on being in a group for presentation. I gladly offered her a position in our group because we are already finished ours and just need to practice it. I could see that it would take a load off of her because she can focus on other stuff rather than the presentation. Most people are stressed out.
So, as I said it was harmony day today. Next to our classroom, there was African, Pakistan, and other types of music & dancing in the. They had the drums going, and the singing. We could not concentrate. So, today was just a day for people to work on their presentation. The whole atmosphere was very lively. You could sense the difference. It was like a big celebration so we could just social it up. I went to the library to help my friend pick her slides for the presentation. Which ones she wants to read out. I have chosen the Nephrons in the kidney because I like microscope detail, and if the class have questions, the nephron is one of the more completed parts of the kidney. Well, the internal view, so I've taken it upon myself to choose that one. Also, I do want the attention on me for the presentation -- with all my nephron information. I'll be ready for any nephron questions.
After we did all that, we went back to the classroom. On the way there, I decided to go into see all the dancing and the music with one of my friends. I then saw more of my friends, and then we all just gathered. There was free food, coffee, tea, and so we just chilled & embraced it all.
At 12:30 we were going on an excursion to my city's Hospice. For those who do not know what a Hospice is, It is a home providing care for the sick or terminally ill. I was the only one without a car... so, I had to ask for a lift. But, lots of people offered... Lol. I went with B, my other friend because I saw that he had no one today. His friend was away. So, I decided to see his world.
Going on the excursion gave us an opportunity to see who we are outside of the school environment. It was fun to have all the class, and with me in the position of being able to have personal conversations with people, made it so much more enjoyable, and that is why it is so super important that we make sure who we are as people, in word, thought and deed, is best for all. That way we can have an opening to more relationships, and conversations with people... In that, providing yourself a comfortable space/environment. Through who you are as a person. So, it was super comfortable for me.
At first, I was not really interested in learning about the Hospic. I mean, I knew that it was where people come to die and/or if lucky, get better and leave.. But mainly to come to die. I knew that, but within myself, I didn't have a greater understanding of the process until they started to explain about what they do at the hospice. We were taken into a room that was empty, and I started thinking about how I would go if I was to work here. I felt very concerned about the people who work there, and how they go about not getting attached & working constantly with grief. For me, once I care for something, it becomes a part of me, kind of, and if they were to constantly be dying, I'd constantly be in some way, within grief. One minute you were caring and who you were caring for is gone.
I had to ask this question to the women, and they said that having a supportive team really helps, and counselling. But, you really have to work on yourself a lot to work in that environment. What reassured me, is that point of knowing about Desteni, and hearing some of the death interviews, that they will die, and face themselves within the process. So, if I was to work there, I'd be reminding myself of that. But, yeah, I am not sure how it impacts on a person constantly seeing people die. .. Would not be an easy job.
It was time to go, and so I was hugging most of my friends --- and reassuring them that I will send the presentation to them photos from today, and send them the presentation. There is way more to this day, and I did notice the points that I want to change about myself. For now, I will end it here, and I'll write points tomorrow.
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 22 Mar 2017, 09:12
DAY 85: Interaction, Balance, and Time
Last week at TAFE there was a moment where I had shared a conversation with a person that I'd used to avoid. I avoided speaking with this person, but I did manage to push a ''good morning'' out when I did see them. I normally say good morning to most people, and not saying good morning to this person would not be ok with me. It would be if I am snobbing this person. So, I always managed to push out a good morning. But it used to be nothing else. Last week we broke the ice. There was a moment where the person was coming my way and I theirs. We stopped walked together to the cafeteria, and from there exchanged questions about ourselves. I didn't want to hold their time for too long so I saw a moment where I could let them be on their way.
From then on it provided a level of comfort for us to speak with each other. We exchanged words a few times. Yesterday, I could see that this person was coming more extending out to other people. Not the usual for this person. I was wondering why, and I assumed that it was me. I could be entirely wrong, but then I saw that the person was waiting for me as we were all lining up, and expressed how they were feeling about going inside the hospice. When I saw that this person was waiting for me I was very pleased to have this person's attention. There was some positive energy coming up that's for sure.
We were all sitting down in a room listening to a staff member talk about the hospice. My mind was elsewhere. I was off distracted by all the likelihood of me and this person. I wanted to so badly look over at the person to see if they were looking at me, and at times I wanted to go sit next to them. I could not look over without experiencing the attraction. I did have to physically look away because I could see where this was all going.
I was weighing up everything in my mind about what would happen if I pursue this person. Then I recognised this route. I've been this route before. I find someone that I like and I start pursuing them. It becomes a complete distraction, I forget my studies, my other friends, and just become solely focused on pursuing this person. That is not what I want.
I like my position at school. I have a balance of the social & the studies. If I am having starting points that are to focus on pursuing someone for sex or relationships, it is a big distraction. Aside from that, I don't know who this person is entirely. Yes, I see this person as physically fit & healthy, know some of them by who they've been in class, but I don't know who they are entirely.
The other is since yesterday, and having those moments with the person, I've wanted to deliberately create moments, and more starting points for me & this person to interact. That doesn't sit well with me because, when I go to school, I like things to be natural. If the moment presents itself, I go with it, if it doesn't present itself, then I don't think that it is necessary for me to push/enforce the moment. Well, that's just me anyways. I do know that there will be a moment because the person is in my class, and is always at class, but for me fantasising, and imagining who/how I am going to be, it is is not enjoyable, it is very consequential.
Personally, I don't intend on having partnership/relationship in my life at this time. I wanted this person because of what I saw within them in class, and their physical fit & healthy body. But, I don't know them outside of class or many other parts to them. On another not, this person is a person and not an object for me. It takes time to create something with another person, and for me, I'd like to give what I'd like to receive. So, that would be preferred to get to know this person, if the moment presents itself, if there is time, with no expectation, without creating a personality, and just solely be in the moment, and see who/how I am and they are. It ain't that difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to focus on pursuing this person
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to focus entirely on creating a relationship/partnership with this person and forget about all else.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is important to get to know a person, long-term, before considering a partnership.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at this person with absolute attraction because they're physically fit & healthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about what it would be like to have this person as my partner
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about what type of person they're outside of school when I have not gotten to know them enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about who/how I will be towards this person
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about what I will towards this person the next time I see them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become super distracted by my own thoughts of this individual.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go down a route that only ends up me pushing the person away, forgetting my studies, and becoming someone I am not satisfied with.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if there is a moment where I have time, the other person has time, and I see this, then I can take the moment of opportunity to ask some questions, and converse a bit.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do not have to create a personality to have this person like me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can just be myself in the moment as what I say, and do when interacting with this individual.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume this person's sexuality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this person is interested in me from the starting point of sex & relationship.
I forgive myself tht I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be 'not good enough' to speak or be around the person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what this person may think of me if I had to talk about my life with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as such a big deal when this person talks to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of privilege when this person speaks with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place me a t a superior/inferior level to this individual.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so excited about this person having talked to me.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that treating this individual like any of the others when it come to conversing, and giving my time, will help to make sure that I do not become so fully focused and obsessed with them.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that small doses to conversing with this person will help to make sure that there is a balance for where my focus is going.
I commit myself to maintain my balance of studies & socialisation.
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 23 Mar 2017, 11:52
DAY 85: Now, Not Later.
Every time I got to class, I get to social more than I do work, lol. I have had personal conversations with everyone in the class. I like all the people in my class. Well, they've done nothing for me to dislike them, even if they did, I suppose it is not best to dislike or hold grudges, anyways, there's no one in the class that I dislike. They're very kind to me, and I enjoy them sharing their personal lives with me.
Today was another big social day. We had practical work upstairs so we didn't sit at our desks for too long. They teacher spoke to us about what it is going to be like for our vocational placement, and how it is all going to work. I was very eager to have my focus be back on the work, and the whole purpose of the course. Because, I've been so focus on socialising, that my focus was solely on socialising, and wanting to keep socialising. So, they helped me to shift my focus on the most important purpose of the course, which is going out there and securing employment.
She mentioned that once we get out there, and if staff members like us, that they will have contracts ready for who they would like to take on as workers. When I heard this, I knew I had to get a wiggle on, and start learning more for this purpose. I'd need to shift my focus back onto what I've got not learn. I've been lacking it a bit lately, and having really pushed myself to a level where I know that I can live my utmost. That needs to be done. I know the steps to take for me to push myself to that level, and what I have to do. It does involve more work, but that's the whole purpose of all of this... securing employment. To secure employment, yeah, I have to know what I am doing out there on the floor and I am capable of making sure that I am able to apply the what I am learning.. It will take dedication, lol.. something I resist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up socialising and forget what the most important purpose of the course.. learning for when I am out on the floor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone improving my practical skills for the floor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I will be observed in the environment that I do my vocational work in.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it will require dedication for me to learn more & improve myself before for I get out on the floor in 2 months.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that who/how I am, in my performance on the floor, will determine whether or not I get a contract/secure employment.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is now time to walk the talk, instead of just being all talk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on socialising so much and forget about doing my work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ot not see/realize/understand that I can push myself to learn more for this course, do more for this course, and in doing so, increase my chances of getting employment/securing a job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put what I must do aside, and participate in entertainment.
I forgive myself that I hvaen't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is entirely my responsble to whether I get employment or I don't.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I can make these last 2 months about seeing how much I cn be dedicated, and how far I can push myself in learning & walking the talk.
When and as I see myself postponing my practical learning - I stop and I breathe - I realize that now is the time to strengthen dedication.. not later.
I commit myself to do what has to be done for me to help improve what I'll be doing on the floor when I get out on vocational placement.
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 24 Mar 2017, 12:31
DAY 86: Feeling Nervous, Being Shy, and Fearful.
Ok, I've been having this nervousness energy coming up when in class. The nervous energy comes up when an individual is in my presence/near me. This individual has become unpredictable in class. They've left their comfort zone, and that makes me uncomfortable. lol. They little group this person had formed, is not always together much anymore. So, this group having separated, and branched out, is giving this individual an opportunity to interact with other people. It is cool to see.
What I've been seeing in myself is that when this individual comes to interact with me or simply stand in my presence, I experience jolts of nervous energy. I also interpret this individual being next to me as an indicator that they like me and/or trying to indicate that they're interested in me. For example, yesterday, in class, this individual came to stand next to me to watch a demonstration. I was so nervous. I felt extremely nervous having the person simply stand next to me. But, I did not push myself away.. I did show that I was fairly open (body language wise).
What was kind of happening, lol, was this individual was slightly leaning over and our arms were starting to touch, and ... one would question whether it was intentional or not.. But, regardless of if it was or not, I am still responsible for my interpretation, and the nervous energy that comes up to those moments.
What I have started to do is I've interpreted everything this person does, to indicate that they like me in some way. Another example, I turn over to see this individual talking to my friend, again not normal for this person, and me then interpreting that it is because this person likes me in some way or is trying to get closer to me. But, that is another assumption. It is all assumptions that may not be facts. I can be completely wrong about this person entirely, and that's what I want to take responsibility for.
This individual has not voiced to say that they're interested in me. I do see myself assuming, and interpreting body language maybe wrongly... In any sense, I just want to take responsibility for my own nervousness, shyness, assumptions and fears. For my own sake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this person is interested in me from the starting point of sex/relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous when this individual is in my presence/near me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shy when this person asks me a question
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to speak out my words really fast, in response/reply to what the individual has said/asked.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can be myself with this person/individual.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself when interacting with this person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person gossiping about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this individual not having patience with me when we speak/converse/interact
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous when this individual leans to one side and becomes fairly close to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this individual is trying/attempting to indicate that they are interested in me through talking to my friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret our arms touching as an indicator that this individual is interested in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the starting points of this individual coming over was because I was in this area or that area.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the change in this individual as a result of liking me and/or wanting to be around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how this individual would react to me having more conversations with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying what I want to say (being me) when interacting with this person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person being unpredictable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this individual possibly liking me and being interested in me..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person stepping out of their comfort zones
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person wanting to be around me more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable about this person stepping out of their comfortzones.
When and as I see myself feeling nervous when this person is in my presence/near me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I can use this opportunity to have a conversation with the individual or simply just let them be in my presence/near me without interpreting any more than that.
When and as I see myself being shy when this individual asks me a question or speaks with me - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am more likely to be able to assist/support the communication with this individual if I am not nervous around them, shy around them, or fearful of what they will think of me being patience with the selection of my words.
I commit myself to be myself when moments of interaction opens with this person
Re: Danielle's Writings
Posted: 26 Mar 2017, 13:41
DAY 87: Opportunity to Express, Grow and Learn --- No Competition
For my course, we have a presentation that needs to be done. The presentation that I am doing is on the Urinary System. We've completed the set-up for the PowerPoint and all that is needed to be done is practice it. When I first heard that we need to do a presentation, I wanted our to be the best presentation in the class. From that point, I made it about competition. I knew that my competitiveness was not a useful starting point to do this presentation.
The whole point of this presentation is to educate my peers on the Urinary System. Each group has a body system to present for the rest of the class. The main starting point for all the presentations is to give us a sound understanding of how each system functions, provide us with terminology, and to push us past our fears of public speaking, lol. There need not be any competition as the main purpose is to assist/support everyone's learning & encouragement to push past fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the presentation about competition/competing with the other groups.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to use this moment of spotlight to show-off in front of the class that ''My presentation is better than you presentation''.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to make my presentation about being better than other people's presentation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that everyone's presentation is going to be different because we all have different body systems, and ways of creating presentations.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the presentations will be presented differently depending on the individual --- who they are/how they are, and how comfortable they are in that moment of presenting.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that presentation is a chance for me, my peers to learn and push past our fears.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this course is not about being 'better' than the rest... it is about being the best that I can be and my peers can be.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that everyone's starting point in the course is about obtaining employment, and doing something that we may enjoy in our lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view my peers as competitors rather than people who are equal to me from the same starting points.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be seen 'top of the class'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to create my presentation so good that it impresses that person who I have been interested in for some time now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it is not about impressing that one person that I like, but about helping others understand, and for me to present, and get over my own fears to the best of my ability.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is an opportunity for me to express myself through public speaking.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is an opportunity for me to use certain mannerism, different voice tones, and other movements that I may not really do in everyday interaction, and so a time where I can max certain words, like confidence.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the presentations are about having fun learning & expressing ourselves.
When and as I see myself making presentations about competition - I stop and I breathe - I realize that public speaking is a chance for me to be the best I can be in my own personal way, through living words, sounds, and certain movements of my body, that I may not use in every day interactions with friends or different settings, and so, presentations are opportunities of expression, and being informative.
I commit myself to use presentation day, as a day to express myself, learn and watch other people doing the same thing whilst encouraging them.