Danielle's Writings

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Danielle
Posts: 160
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 10 Apr 2017, 10:48

DAY 94: Resistance To Getting Out Of Bed


For the last 3 to 4 days I've been sleeping in longer than I planned for. My usual time to wake up is around 5 - 6 in the morning. The plan is to wake up for morning exercises and focus on what needs to be done throughout the day. What I've noticed is that I have a resistance to getting up to focus on what I need to do for the day.

I'd end up sleeping much longer than necessary and waste the morning away. It is very comfortable to lay in bed for the day rather than getting up and facing what needs to be done. There is probably some resistance to getting up of a morning and having to focus on the same things every single day. Housework, assignments, exercise, and then repeat my routine. A little resistance to doing the same things over and over.

What I've come to realise is that every day is a new day regardless of the same routine. There are differences and I can see my improvements from exercising… I even feel it in my body physically. The assignments have been helping me a great deal and it is progressing towards employment. So, each day I am progression moment by moment when I am doing a task. The bigger picture and what I am working towards can only be seen (now) as the minor detail, and that's what can be focused on. Is the small minor progression stages that are being made.

Each day is a day to wake up, and see the progression that is being made in the minor/small detail. In that one is assisting/supporting themselves & their future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the energy I get from seeing the full picture of my progression to motivate me to get up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that progression can be seen in the minor/small detail that I make each day, and does not require to be a 'future projection' of the bigger pictured progression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to remain in bed so that I can avoid making progression in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about my progression being mcuh slower than I'd like it to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in bed where I can sleep the for most of the day without having to focus on repetition, routine, or creating a life that I'd be satisfied with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to get up of a morning because I am comfortable in bed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I can be worthless & not useful because I do not see the 'future' projection' as the bigger picture as something I living now.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is better to focus on the minor detail/small changes/small progression that I am making instead of focusing on a future projection of a bigger picture.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in the physical, it takes time to create, develop, and grow.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that developing, growing, and learning takes time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid getting up when I've set my alarm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting up early in the morning

When and as I see myself creating excuses to not get up - I stop and I breathe - I realize that today is another day that I can spot the progression that I have made/am making in the minor details, as I keep up within my routine, and repetition to assist/support myself in this life time.

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring a motivated energy to assist/support me to get up - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I have a physical body that can get up without needing/requiring motivated energy

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to stay in bed longer - I stop and I breathe - I realize that each day is a new day for me to make the progression that I want to see/become in my life which requires me to first get up, and move.

I commit myself to get up when my alarm goes off

I commit myself to continue making the progress that I am making in the minor detail each day


I commit myself to focus on the minor/small details of the progression that I make each day.

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Danielle
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Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 11 Apr 2017, 14:11

Some days I put time to working on my creation. I am not financially able to bring my creation to life as fast as I would like to but I do get to work on it as best I can. What I am able to work on is spending more time with how it will all be designed, functioned and creating the words for the bigger picture of my creation.

The words are potential in themselves. What I mean here, is that these words can be used to start a business that aligns to people's interests. The words that I am creating are simply awesome. I cannot really describe it at the moment -- but it is a wonder that these words are not taken. As I am creating most of them, and I've got a whole list for the ones that I have created. The potential that can come from each word is very awesome. The word itself aligns to that which evens caters the action and its purpose. What I've been noticing is that every time I am creating new words, and they're not taken on the social media sites, what comes up within me is this jolt of excitement and joy within me as I see the potential of the word.

The feeling of excitement is very much like an electric jolt coming from the solar plexus. It feels like it doesn't get released -- it is simply a jolt of energy that is rather uncomfortable as I start to notice it more and more. My body does go tight from the jolt/energetic experience. It is not so nice.

What triggers the energetic reaction is once putting the word in to check if it is available on the media sites -- I feel a jolt of that excitement. I am excited to start working on each word that I've created and claim it as a trademark eventually. However, I do not see the need to have that energetic experience come up within me. Something I can work on stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have that energetic experience of excitement come up within me when a word that I've created is available on social media sites.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be energetically excited about the words & their potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the energy as excitement is unnecessary in the process of creating a new word when all it does it make me feel uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overreact when a word that I created is available online

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can be excited & eager without the form of energy as I can live these words through my own physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when working on creating words

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 14 Apr 2017, 07:14

DAY 96: Music, Differences, and Priorities


I live in a house with individuals who play music that is not to my liking. I've noticed my reactions to the music that these individuals play can be heavy sometimes. It is the time when the music is played when I am trying to study and concentrate. I am unable to do that with the music at the volume it is played.

I would have to move myself into the lounge-room. I move my laptops, workout equipment and everything that I use for my routine into the lounge-room. In the process of moving it all, I have a lot of backchat about the music, the person and a ''I can't want to get a job to get out of here''. The energetic reactions would be anger, annoyance, and frustration. It is my dislike for this individual and it does boil over a considerable amount at times. None to make me lash out.. It remains all kept inside... all of which only effects the person who created it. which is me.

What I did notice about this situation is I haven't been disciplined, dedicated, or consistent enough with working towards getting a job. I've have one month to go until I finish/complete this course. I've got two assignments that I am working on, a presentation to present after break, and more assignment in that one month to come. That's all I have to do. Throughout the whole break (3 weeks) had left my assignments and preferred to focus on stuff unrelated to the course now I have to power house it all, and complete it before Tuesday. Why I say this is that it kind of exposes more of who/how I've been when it comes to 'working on getting a job'.

If I am eager to get out of this place & out of a certain level of poverty then wouldn't I be working harder. Would I not have my focus on getting there, and doing what is required to work towards it. The stuff that I did participate in while on break did not really help me in any sort of way, and only kept me in a 'comfort-zone'. That is probably for another point.

Here I've recognized that I've been expecting my environment to change/adapt to me instead of me finding the change/solution for myself which is to be more disciplined, dedicated, and consistent with working towards getting a job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat about the music that people I live with listen to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the person I live with to leave the house so I can study & be able to concentrate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very annoyed with the music that people I live with listen to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated about the words in the music & the singing that the individuals participate in when repeats the words that is said in the song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated about the type of mentality that the people I live with are in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the solution would be for me to focus on 'working towards getting a job' so that I can afford to live on my own & have my much deserved space

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on entertainment videos rather than focusing on working toward getting a job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in my comfort-zone where I'd want to stay where I am and not make any effort to changing my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I've become as a person when I can start changing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that living dedication, discipline, and consistency when working towards getting a job will assist/support me out of this, what I define as, level of poverty where I cannot really buy stuff that will assist/support for good health and enjoyable living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my time is best spent on focusing on priorities rather than indulging in entertainment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the people around me for what is coming up within me about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the backchat, internal conversations and energetic emotions that comes up within me about people I live with and their choice of music.

When and as I see myself have those energetic experiences in reaction to the music that is played - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I can move myself to a place where I cannot hear the music, this could be the university across the street or into the loungeroom.

When and as I see myself wanting to focus on entertain when I still have lots to do - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I can focus more so on the priorities that do amount & do need to be done which will be more beneficial for me in the long run.

I commit myself to work towards getting a job to assist/support myself

I commit myself to consider more of my priorities before choosing what I invest my time into.

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Danielle
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Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 19 Apr 2017, 05:57

DAY 97: Socialise, Walk, and See the Sights


I am glad that Easter break is over. My Easter holidays were not enjoyable for me. What made it unenjoyable was the social isolation, withdrawing more into myself, people in the household, lounging around too much and becoming depressed about it all. I did have plenty of opportunities to go out with friends from class but in the state of depression, it makes everything look boring and too much effort.

There was a days in the break where I did have fun. I did meet up with friends from class to practice/rehearse our presentation. It was fun and we had conversation time after we were finished. So I did have that.

The other was the agreement that I made with my sister to babysit/look after my niece for a few hours. I knew it would be a fun/enjoyable experience and it was. On that day, I took my niece to the park where I met another friend from the organisation I used to volunteer at. We didn't recognise each other at first, but when we came closer we did. We started having a conversation. It helped me to see the world through the eyes of another and helped me to get back to focus on what productive people are busy doing. lol. It showed me the word that I wasn't living. It was really good.

Now that class is back I do see that I've come out of that depressive state of mind. The school is open, classes are back on, we are moving to the next assignment, we are nearing closer to our placement, we get to practice more, we are going on excursions, and most importantly, we are moving closer towards opportunities for employment. That is what makes me happy. right now.

Because of this, I did start looking at how I managed to get myself in that state. As I said before, I had socially isolated myself, lounged around, and had to deal with people in the household. All of which means that I spent a lot of time in the house. I didn't go anywhere, and at the time I didn't feel like I wanted to. When I did get out of the house I felt so good. So, it was obviously not spending so much time inside the house for too many days or lounging around then becoming depressed because nothing is being done to move closer to earning money.

Now that I have gone through this experience (not the first) I do realize that it is important for me to step out of the house, go see the sights, go walking, meet up with people, and just be out.. on a regular basis. It really does help get out of a depressive and unproductive state of mind.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself in the house for too long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lounge around so much when I could be out seeing the sights, going for a walk, being in the sun, and/or meetin up with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that spending some hours outside of the house each day is beneficial for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lounge around so much to the point where I really do not want to move, get up, or do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the TAFE system to move me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have withdrawn from wanting to speak to anyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I was living my life was ok because I was on break

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have chosen to live my life in a depressive state of mind over the holidays/break

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the depressed state of mind by spending the majority of the time lounging around, ignoring people, withdrawing myself, and losing interest in what needs to be done.

I commit myself to move myself to different environments for at least 1 hour during each ay

I commit myself to talk to have a conversation with at least one person each day

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Danielle
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Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 20 Apr 2017, 13:49

DAY 98: Funeral, Speech and Interaction


I wake up later than I planned. My alarm did not go off. I did have an hour and a half to get ready. I was excited about today. It was the day that we were to go on another excursion. For this excursion, we visited a family funeral business that has been operating for 117 years. I had made plans the night before to walk with a friend of mine to the funeral business. We lived close to the location, and we preferred to just walk there.

We arrived there earlier so we occupied ourselves through conversation. More people did start to show up which give us more interaction while we wait. Lol. It's fun because we all stand in a group circle speaking about a topic, and it flows back and forth to different people. We laugh and talk about stuff that is related to the course, how we feel about stuff, etc.

Plenty more people started to arrive so we were ushered in by our teachers. The teachers were very well dressed. They prepare themselves this way to look their best when they're meeting with people who they form arrangments with for school visits & or placements. I like my teachers because they're very honest with who they do. They share a lot with us and they're happy to be themselves. They're great role models, and very caring. It's cool.

Anyways, once ushered in we were brought to a conference looking room with a projector screen. There were tables, cups, tea, coffee, and waitresses. We asked to help ourselves to the tea, coffee, water or juice. I had a plain water because I don't drink coffee anymore. It gave us time to say good morning to everyone which is one of my favourite things to do. I had finished my first cup of water and was walking to get another. One of my teachers approached me to ask if I would say thank you to the man who was giving his time to show us his world. What this just means is that I go up in front of the class and say ''On behalf of the school, and all of us here we would like to say thank you for......etc.''' Shake hand, and give the signed card 'symbol of appreciation'. So, I said yes. I was a tiny bit nervous on what I would say, but I had some time to prepare it. I took it as an honour, to be honest.

We spent about half an hour having conversations amongst ourselves as more people arrived. The things we get ourselves into can be funny at times. The stories that people have to share, and have experienced. It is fun to laugh with them.

It came time to have our tour around the funeral home. The way that I see funerals these days isn't my own preferred choice of how the body should go down. Despite that, I did open myself to listen to what was to be said, and what this man with so much experience had to say. We were taken to the an open viewing room where they allow for families to see their deceased loved ones if they so choose, etc. He started to speak about how he deals with people in the states of grief and loss in that time.

It was very down to earth what was being said. He respects that they feel this way and would prefer them to embrace it, and to be understanding with this clients. It was cool to see how much of an understanding that this man ha about grief and loss. He would have to know so much because he deals with clients who go through that constantly, and it is an emotional time for the loved ones. So, I was more interested in his experiences/stories than the funeral business itself. He held all the experience and knowledge/information. We went all around and were shown lots. We returned back to the first room we were in and it was time for morning tea.

I was so surprised about how much food they brought out. There was cheesecake, fruit, savoury foods, more cake, sandwiches, etc. Within myself, I did question ''whose paying for all this''... But it was all free. We were treated very nicely. I felt very comfortable after I had eaten.

It was time that the man would give us his talk about the grief and loss. He spoke more about his experiences and it was very interesting what he learns/takes from these experiences when dealing with families/loved ones, death, etc. He had finished the talk, and I turned to saw the teacher coming to me with the card. I was fairly nervous at that point but got up and said what I had planned than shook hands and everyone clapped. It was very enjoyable.


I was very nervous after I had given that small words of appreciation. I felt slightly shaken about it. lol. Not shaken to the point of being shook up, no. I was wanted to know if I had sounded ok, did it come out ok... I wanted to know what other people thought. Feedback. People said I did great, and my teacher came to give me hug and said I did great. It was nice.

I do believe I could have done better because within myself I knew that I was feeling nervous. I could feel that nervousness there, and I could feel the slight impacts of being nervous. These slight changes others might not have recognised, but for me they were very noticeable. So, although the feedback was saying I did great, within myself I knew that of the slight changes that would have made it greater, and that would have been to have that nervousness not be there. But, then I saw myself beating on myself about small/minor stuff. I didn't allow for myself to be satisfied with what I had said, and the way I had presented myself. I was focused on the small/minor details that I could see was the effect of nervousness, and didn't bother to focus on giving myself that ''at least I got up there, said what I wanted to say, and shook that man's hand. I did say what I wanted to say, and it did go to plan. Yes, there were slight difference of my voice tone... That only I could really notice... So, I do have that tendency of going into that immediate beat down of myself over the small/minor and insignificant stuff than to give myself that 'well done'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up for the minor/small details about or 'where I could have done better'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to recognise the fact that I pushed myself through a point/experience even know it was occurring within me as a reaction to the situation, and the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hard on myself when I do not feel I've done my absolute best.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can look at a particular moment/experience without having to beat myself up about all the these that didn't seem perfect in my eyes.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that each experience that i have, I can reflect and become better through working on what I can change about myself to perfect situations/events and moments like these.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not let myself be satisfied with giving my first small appreciation speech and giving a gift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people are thinking when I am the centre of their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what people think of me when I am the centre of their attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about being up in front of people, having their attention on my words, my physical, and how I am going to conduct myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fear that people would have noticed my nervousness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people see nervousness coming out in my voice tone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous after giving a speech

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work myself up before having given a speech

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that when being in front of people giving a speech, it is really just focusing on the words on says, and the action of either shaking a hand and/or any other physical movement that suits the setting and what one is trying to do.

When and as I see myself beating myself down about 'not living my best' - I stop and I breathe - I realize that it is not about becoming emotional about what I didn't do my best on, it is about reflecting upon what I did not do my best on, and seeing what I can and do about living the best that I want to see and be.

When and as I see myself being nervous about giving a speech - I stop and I breathe - I realize that giving a speech is about consideration of the situation/event, the setting, choice of words, and choice of movement in that time, it purely that, and it can be achieved in an alignment way where one can sync it to suit the whole picture.

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Danielle
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Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 22 Apr 2017, 02:08

DAY 99: Nervous, Admiration and Attraction


On the day of the excursion, my friend and I arrived earlier than others. The person to arrive after us was the person that I would say I have a crush on. I'd define it as a crush because of the reactions that come up within me when I see the person and speak to the person.

The reactions are crushing and uncomfortable that is for sure. They consist of nervousness, attraction, admiration, and want/desire to be closer. It has been like this since I've come into class. Well, not at the forefront always, but definitely considerations float by in my consciousness mind. I have a lot of interest in this person based on the way the do conduct themselves in class. Sometimes, I do feel like I am competing with the person rather than standing with that individual. We are a little a like.

We like the work we do, we have an interest in it, we want to do well, and we are both good researchers on computer, we are both observers, we both stand out in the class, lol. There are differences, but mainly commons I see. But, I see myself behaving towards this person as if we are two magnets that don't want to go together. For example, we were in the crematorium looking at the machine that burns everything to ashes (creates more pollution than all the cars on a nearby highway - we don't need it). Everyone rushed over to the viewing window, some sat down in chairs, and I choose to stand at the back where I could see everyone. (I like this position). The other person had started to move from the front to the back where I was.

I had an uneasiness about me when Person A was standing behind me. I did not like it. I did want to turn around to speak with the person, but I didn't know how they would take it. I do mostly go off body language, and I didn't find the person's body language to be inviting at the time. I felt a little intimidated, so I did not bother to speak. I do notice that is one of the prominent reasons I do not move closer to the person. Because I feel slightly intimidated, think they're going to take offence to me speaking to them, or not want to engage on a more personal level with me as speaking about their life, who they are, their story mainly. Not for a partnership purposes but to simply for me to push past all this stuff above. Because the above is limiting me from possibly getting to express myself and learn about another. I am not expecting us to go together like two magnets. I am expecting myself to push past all of this stuff, and speak to the person from the starting point of getting to know. As i did make a commitment to get to know this person more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire this person in how their body looks/appears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire the clothing that this person wears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than/better than when this person is around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this crushing experience that consists of multiple reactions at once --- known, defined, by a crushing experience that is exactly that -- CRUSHING on the physical.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy to speak to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this person is out of my league to speak to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when this person comes closer to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated when this person is is near/around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated by this person because their body is slightly muscular, bigger, and slightly ungentle looking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervousness about the person coming up to speak to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful about what this person may think of who I am if I was to be more open with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having this person's attention on me in a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person being offended by me speaking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person becoming fearful that I am speaking to them..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear them being afraid of my unpredictability when going up to speak to be open to them more, and in dong so, speaking to them more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this individual is not going to like me speaking to them because they may think that it is from the starting point of a partnership/relationship.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand in matters like this, I can let them know that it is not what I want and/or am looking for at this time, and that I've simply chosen to speak with them to push past my limitations, and learn more about another.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person's reactions towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself with the person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people will think when they start seeing me speaking more to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people assuming that we are 'dating'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to compete with this person for the 'who shines brighter in the class'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to compete with this person for 'who gets the most attention in the class'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to compete with this person for 'who is the teacher's favourite'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate this individual from how I treat others in the class

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to treat everyone else in the class as someone to really, genuinely get to know, and not this other individual where I remain less talkative to, not wanting to know, or remaining away from as much as I can.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting a long well with this indiviual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being intimate with this individual if it were to happen.

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Maite
Posts: 571
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 19:08

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Maite » 22 Apr 2017, 20:14

Hey Danielle,

I would suggest with individuals that you admire and feel attraction towards - to make a list of the qualities that you perceive they possess or embody that you like, or in other words: what words are they representing to you? Those would be the words you are not acknowledging, developing and living as expressions of yourself. When we perceive you come across these words in another, we want to get close to the person and form some kind of relationship with them - so that we can 'vicariously' live these words through them, in separation of ourselves - instead of identifying the words and gifting them to ourselves in looking at: how can I live those words for myself and as myself?

M

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Danielle
Posts: 160
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 23 Apr 2017, 04:31

Hey Matie, I'll give this a go. Thanks.

There is a question that I want to ask.

1. How does one go about selecting people for potential partnership? If one is excluding attraction?

Wouldn't one need to take consideration of the following:

1. preferences
2. likes/dislikes
3. Commonalities
4. Compatibility
5. Sexual attraction
6. Both consent and nothing is forced

??

Just curious with this one.

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Danielle
Posts: 160
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 24 Apr 2017, 09:31

DAY 100: Spiders, Conflict and Behaviours of Concern


I had come home last Thursday from TAFE. I went to have a sleep because I was physically exhausted. I woke up and sat to research some stuff on my computer. Each time that a person I live with is on the phone, they speak so loud that it penetrates through my walls. This is a reason to how I know every detail of the person's life. What I heard the individual speaking about was me.

They were talking about the event/situation where I had run into her room to save/rescue a spider before Person A killed/murdered it. I heard the individual run out of their room in a fear reaction to a spider, and in that, heard this person say ''where's the fly spray'. To that, I rushed out of my room and into her room to rescue/save the spider before she killed/murdered it. To my surprise, the spider was a common Daddy Long-Legs spider. They're very harmless spiders. They cannot even bite a person. As I was about to grab it, it fell off the wall down the side of the desk, and I was not able to find it after that.

I've been learning about spiders for a bit now. I like spiders, and they're little people. A word that I created that is part of my bigger creation is 'Spiderology'. So, I've worked with spiderology for a few months. Spiders are super cool.

Anyways,

The individual didn't bother to calm down even when I said that it was just a Daddy Long Legs spider. Ok, that was the spider event. Now, the next day, I hear her on the phone calling me names. 2 weeks prior she had called me a name... I did not provoke or anything of that nature, I've only ever been assistance/support for this person. So, I pulled this person up and spoke to them about calling me a name. At that, I thought everything was cool. I know this individual to have lots of behaviours of concern, and for a long time, I've put up with it. I know a lot of who/how this person is. Through the loudness of her voice, there is hardly any escape from it. So, I know this person needs to learn from consequence, and the name calling became the last straw.

When I had the chance, I made it clear to this person that they're not allowed to speak to me for the duration of my stay here, and that I'll be putting in a second complaint of the unstable behaviours & the name calling. I couldn't let someone get away with calling me names. I felt that if I didn't do something about this, and for this individual to experience consequence, that they would think it would be ok to continue doing that. I know for sure who/how this person is, and I saw this to be the best measure/actions to take. In the best interests for all.

After I had done that, this person got fairly abusive. I've had this experience before. You ignore them, better not to feed in the conflict, let them fight themselves, and let them calm down. It works.

For one night and a day the individual has not been home. I knew they were off somewhere because they were packing before this situation/event occurred. I started to feel bad about having voiced myself to the landlord, and what I said about the person. But, it was all true. The person is not stable, and their behaviours have been unbearable to live with. So, it was due to come to this sooner or later. It was better now than letter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about having chosen for this individual to not speak with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if an individual is not stable enough, does not recognise their behaviour, and/or does not show any remorse, it is best to step back, and not communicate with the individual as it could be more damaging then any good come of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was too harsh on this individual when I did go to them about every behaviour and told them how it affects me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for not keeping my mouth shut about the behaviours

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in the wrong for letting the landlord know about what's happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that speaking to the landlord was the best option that I had for the behaviours & name calling to cease.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that letting the landlord know might be a way to assist/support this person to seek professional help.

When and as I see myself feeling bad for having told the landlord - I stop and I breathe - I realize if something is affecting me to the point where it has become very unbearable, and I've exchausted all my options then it would be necessary to seek assistance/support from people who can help.

When and as I see myself feeling like I've done wrong by seeking help - I stop and I breathe - I realize that asking for help with a situation/event is not wrong/right it is simply assisting/supporting myself when I need help.

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Danielle
Posts: 160
Joined: 13 Nov 2011, 23:27

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 25 Apr 2017, 12:07

DAY 101: Write Out Problems And Write For Solutions


What I have noticed about me is that I have a tendency to keep everything inside myself. If there is something that is bothering me I do not write about. What I will do is I'll constantly think about the problem and I'll think about the solution all within myself. I do not use writing as the stable point for problems that require being written about. For example, today I did not know how to approach a situation. I constantly thought about the situation, had all sorts of emotions coming up, and eventually went for a walk where I was able to come up with a solution. None of it was written about it was all kept inside me. I hold everything in and I hardly write. I can see this is a problem that creates more problems for me.

It makes it difficult for me to see what is going on where there are thoughts, pictures, and everything else coming up in the process of me trying to think of a solution. With the writing, I lay out in words the problem, and I can question myself in front of me, and end up trying out the different answers for myself. It would be easier for me to do that and causing less energetic reactions that can come up within me to all the various thoughts that come up in my mind when keeping it all in. So, it is best to do this as much as I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not used the tool of writing to help me stabilize myself, and come to practical solutions for situations/events that happen in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made it worser for myself by not being consistent with the tool of writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I will be able to come to a solution for a problem much faster & less choatic for myself if I use the tool of writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep everything inside myself and not bother dealing with it.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that using the tool of writing will help with less thoughts interfering with the process of coming up with a solution to a problem.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am able to see myself in words when I am writing which will make it easier to focus on the point rather than going into all sorts of directions, getting emotional, and creating more problems for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can keep everything inside myself & solve all of my problems without the process of writing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be consistent with writing myself out each day

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that writing myself out a lot more will help me to work on my emotions/feelings

I commit myself to write about the problems that require a well considered solution

I commit myself to write more than just one blog every day

I commit myself to spend more time writing each day

I commit myself to use the tool of writing to stabilise myself


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