Danielle's Writings

Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 12 Jul 2017, 04:18

DAY 25: A Creation Takes Time

I am learning how to create websites using free online resources. I am a beginner so the world of making websites is new to me. I am learning about themes, codes, what looks good, how to manage WordPress, the money I will need, etc. I've had some reactions to exploring all of it. For example, in the process of creating a website, I find out that the extra add-ons for a theme cost more money. My reaction to that was an annoyance, a little frustration, and a halt in the creation process for this particular theme. So, a trigger point for annoyance and frustration is cost, and the impatience is the process of how slow I am when it comes to creating how the website looks. In everything that I have done, for a long period of time, is to rush and complete a creation. I want it done ASAP. I want my website up and running ASAP. Lol. I realise with anything new, everyone starts off slow, and eventually, it becomes natural without thought, or having to think ''where is this or where is that''. It takes time to work on a new skill, and with practice, the pace will change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about the cost of extra add-ons for website themes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about the time it will take to learn about making websites.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about the costs of extra add-ons for themes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed and frustrated about being a beginner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed and frustrated about the pace that I am working for the creation of my website.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my website to be created ASAP.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect me to have all the knowledge on what looks good, how to do this and that right away.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that learning a new skill takes time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that with practice, consistency, patience, and persistence, one will be able to change their pace as we get better.

When and as I see myself become impatient, frustrated & annoyed with the creation of websites - I stop and I breathe - I realise that it is a new skill that I am developing, it will take time, I will get better, and as I progress with practice, I will be able to change my pace, I won't have to think much, and it will be natural.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 14 Jul 2017, 10:50

DAY 26: Pedantic About Mistakes



I received an email from the head of the organisation I applied for. I read that there were mistakes on the form that I filled out. It was a Criminal History Check form and needed to be filled out correctly. I reacted in a big way to making the mistake. I am very pedantic about mistakes. My reactions to this mistakes was a disappointment, angry at myself, but the biggest fear was that the person may find out about my history. I do not have a criminal history on record, and/or have I done anything that would jeopardise me securing roles/positions in employment and/or volunteering. However, in my life, I events/situations occurred that caused some extremities for my mind. It led me down a path of distrust with myself, and so distrust with people. It had an effect that I could not be stable as a result of the overwhelming state of my mind, how I would react, and the lack of assistance/support. It is like being in a mind that doesn't make sense, and anything goes. Anyways, it was a result of many factors in one. So, it led me down a path of homelessness. Also, before this situation, I had gone through different organisations in the past as I was not educated on how the system operates, I didn't have an understanding, and I needed assistance/support. So, these organisations were my own assistance/support. What I do not want happening, is this person finding out about my past and/or me having to open up about it.

I do not like opening up about my past because of people changing who they're with me. I do not wish for them to start feeling sorry for me. I feel that then they do not see where I am at in my life, and what I have overcome on a personal level or my strength. Another reason is that I do not want for this woman to see me as not up to the task/job. The way I look at it is that my experiences make me more understanding of what it is like to go through domestic violence, trauma, homelessness, mental breakdown, isolation, being a carer, etc.. etc.. They're strengths disguised as burdens. Yes, they're not at all nice experiences, and they do make for a lot of crap that needs to be sorted out, but I can understand as I've been through it. Having gone through, and knowing what it is like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pedantic about making mistakes in front of C

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear C finding out that I've been through this organisation when I needed assistance/support in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed about making 2 mistakes on the form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear C finding out about my history in a time when my mind was not stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people feeling sorry for me and changing who they're as a result of feeling sorry or pitying me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear C not seeing me up to the task/job/position of what the volunteer work involves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest about my past to people in case they see me differently and change who they are with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people not noticing how strong I am and what I've overcome in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what C will find out if she were to put my name into the system for past organisation cases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear C finding out that I've been homeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear C finding out that I had case workers from the same organisation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with the past rather than see my experiences as a strength, and a learn curve.

When and as I see myself being pedantic about making mistakes in front of C - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I can take responsibility for the mistake, and correct it to the best of my ability.

When and as I see myself being afraid of what C will think of my past - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I can volunteer at other organisations in my city.

When and as I see myself being afraid about people feeling sorry for me - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I can let them know what I have accomplished, my strengthens, and what my goals are, and that feeling sorry for me will not do the relationship any good.

I commit myself to be honest when people ask me about my past.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 15 Jul 2017, 07:36

DAY 27: Pedantic About Making Mistakes [Re-do]


Yesterday I wrote a blog about me overreacting to mistakes that I made on a form. What I have a tendency to do is skip details that happen in events/situations. It can impact on how people see me, and how I see myself. I do not much care as to what people think of me, but how I what I think of myself matters. If I am not accurate or willing to put effort into my writing then I shouldn't bother writing. This point will be for tomorrow's blog.

How happened had I received an email from the head of an organisation. In the email, C was informed that I made a mistake on a form. She then tried to take responsibility by saying that she ''should have told me''. I didn't sit well with me, as I knew that I was completely responsible for this mistake. How I was responsible is I chose to fill the form out in a public place where people would come up to me to have a conversation. I'd stop to ask how they were right in the middle of filling out form, and in this one section that I was filling out, was the exact moment that I got distracted and began talking. Another part of the form, I didn't take it seriously and made effortless near-accurate dates when it required dates that date back 5 years from now. So, I had to correct C, and let her know where I was responsible by being honest, and accepting that I am responsible for this. Where I got pedantic and overactive, is this is the second time that I've made a mistake of on the forms. Not big mistakes, minor ones, and the second time that she had to pick me up on it. So, I went into a reaction about her not seeing me as competent for tasks/jobs involving paperwork. All of this, leading up to further things that she may find out about me, and having checked the organisations database for my name, etc.. etc... So, it was then where I felt very worried, concerned, and overractive about it. Because I really want this position. It is a very rewarding one, and working along side this person I'd learn so much, and I didn't want my mistakes or my past to determine the outcome of me having this opportunity. But, it isn't worth getting so worked up about. It was something I could correct. Overreactions just make matters worse. The worry, fear, disappointment, etc.. etc.. there is no excuse for it. It doesn't determine any of the outcomes, it is mostly, going to do more damage to a person, someone's mind, etc... etc.. So, it is not worth reacting about. If people do not find a person fit for a specific position then living out emotions as reactions to someone else's decision isn't going to assist/support a person. It would only make matters worse, and if people do not see the good or the qualities of someone being able to do awesome in a job role/position and only base them on the past, then they're like to miss out on someone who is likely to understand, and assist/support as best they can. That's how it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear person C seeing me as not fit for a role/position in her team.

I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself feel annoyed for not sitting in a quiet place to fill out forms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the environment I was in at the time, for missing details on a form.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take forms seriously by putting accurate and/or absolutely near-accurate information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear person C finding my case in the database of the organisations systems

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear person C's reactions to me taking responsibility and showing her where I was responsible.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is unprofessional to be honest of where I am responsible.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel worred about C look up my name in the database, and finding out about what I've been through, and me having to open up about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up about my past.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear how person C will view me if I was to open up about my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I am going to view myself if I was to open up about my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overractive to being honest & taking responsibility for my actions, choices/decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I was in the past, and what I've been through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed if person C does not see my qualities or what I can do for the organisation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as too much for C because of the mistakes that I've made on the forms, and if she were to find information about my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my past will affect how I work in this position/role when that which I've been through can assist/support me when I am working in this role and position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear C letting me go if she is to find out about my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people who have gone through domestic violence, homelessness, mental breakdown, certain disorders and have picked themselves up from those situations, to be non-understanding, not fit, and not capable of assisting/support those who are in those situations/events.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that people in who have gone through what people are facing or have faced are more likely to understand what it is like, and can relate, in comparison to those who have not.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 16 Jul 2017, 14:23

DAY 29: Forgiveness On Writings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skip details in my writings when it is necessary to add

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate for how I portray myself in writings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not double check my writings when before I send I share it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move so fast in my writing that I end up clumping everything in and it not being as specific or detailed as I would have liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate of how what I am sending out to readers.

I commit myself to triple check my writings for errors, disinformation, structure, and grammar before I send them out

I commit myself to be considerate of how I portray myself in my writings.

I commit myself to practice specificity with my writings

http://iforgivemyselfjtl.blogspot.com.a ... tings.html



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 18 Jul 2017, 06:28

DAY 30: What's Burning? Oh!


On three occasions this month, I almost burnt the house down. The cause is a pattern of forgetfulness. I forget that I am cooking, it starts to burn, I smell the smoke, and then I remember. The first time, I recognised it, I made a mental note to not let it happen again. The second and third time came where I did the exact same. My cooking time is getting the food prepared, throwing it on the stove, and head straight back to my desk. At my desk, I explore different websites, videos, and searches. I become so interested in what I am doing, that I forget I've left the food on the stove cooking, and I remember when I smell the smoke. So, the solution is either to stay in the kitchen with the cooking or to set my alarm for every 15 minutes to remind myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost burn the house down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that identifying a problem means that it will now go away

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that identifying what needs to change is not enough, one has to come up with a solution to make sure that the change is lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be forgetful when I am cooking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook a pattern when I have identified it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that if a pattern is identified, and it is one that is potentially dangerous, then it should be dealt with, corrected, and lived out in order to secure the safety of myself and others.

I commit myself to use an alarm set for every 15 minutes to remind me to check the cooking.

I commit myself to take change seriously.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 19 Jul 2017, 05:21

DAY 31: Excuses, Meet-ups, Agreements, Intimacy, and Sex


I am at a stable level in my life now where everything is going well. The pace of me achieving set goals is at a comfortable pace. I have not quite reached the comfort level I want to be at, no, but where I am is stable and a content comfortability to be able to work on the progression of goals. I do lack a few things in my life that does not complete the full sphere of 'needs met'. That is intimacy with another human being & so another need. I did have an agreement with a person, but because of my study load, and placement, I was exceptionally busy, and we ended up postponing meet-ups. I look for the person's profile, and contact details. The profile was gone, and the contact details were in my old phone. To which I still have, but don't want to keep going back, and I did take this sex agreement for granted. I'd say I didn't have the time, I'd make excuses not to meet-up, and I'd say I'd be in contact, but I didn't follow through and I could have made the time. I did take it for granted. I could take the contact details out of my old phone, but I thought it best to try my luck else where. Simply meaning to start meeting new people and see what happens. I do not have a full focus or intend on making the starting points about intimacy, and sex. I enjoy the moments of simply speaking to people, having coffee, and getting to know the person's life story. It is fun and enjoyable. I do realise now not to take people for granted. If I am to make an agreement with someone then I should follow it through. Not hold myself back with excuses, going back on my word, saying it is too far when it is not and postponing meet-ups... That's taking it for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from following through with agreements that I make with another using the excuse ''my body is not at the fitness levels that I want it to be''.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for why I do not follow through with agreements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone following through with agreements when I can shift, move things around, and keep committed to what I agreed with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not ready

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from going on meet-ups with people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body for being thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people not being attracted to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to be attracted to my looks and only see me for that, and not who I am as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend so much on how my body looks for relationships to be sustained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection from people I meet-up with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the sex agreement I had for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the individual and blame myself for the profile missing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a sex agreement or intimacy agreement for the sake of 'knowing it is there when I want it' but never actually going through with it.

When and as I see myself making excuses to not meet-up with a person I agreed to meet up with and I have the time - I stop and I breathe - I realise that here is an opportunity for me to express myself, push past self-judgments, self-limitations, and go for it.

When and as I see myself holding myself from meet-ups because of how I see my body - I stop and I breathe - I realise that my body is healthy, capable, and able, the rest is up to the communication and who I am as a person that will determine the outcome, and what happens with the indiviudal whom I meet.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 20 Jul 2017, 13:42

I received a phone call from my sister. She informed me that my dog had passed away. I felt shame, guilt, blame, and regret. Foxy came into my life when I was 7 - 8 years of age. I am now 24 years of age. She lived for 16 - 17 years with me and my family. She was my responsibility and we were inseparable from the moments she entered into my life. What I can say about Foxy is that she was a very loyal, and resilient dog. Before she came into my care, she was living in an abusive environment. Her owner was one of my brother's friends. He would pick her up by the neck, swing her around, and who knows what else. So, my brother took her off him, and she entered into my care. From the moments she entered, she was a placid, soft, and scared dog. I fed her biscuits and sat by the door of the room she was in. My sister was to take her as her own responsibility, but Foxy and I were inseparable, and so she was my responsibility. She wouldn't leave my side. We would go for walks, we had very challenging times together, she came on holidays with me, and no matter what I was doing, she would be by my side, right at my feet, on the chair next to me, and sleeping right next to me. Foxy was very loyal and resilient.

Foxy lost her eye sight when I was 10 - 11. She was scratched in the eye by a cat. Her eye became worse, a form of cataract developed and a tumour developed on her stomach. My family didn't have the money to do anything so she lived in pain for a number of years. Until, I moved out, and had money of my own, and was able to afford the surgery. She improved, and I'd take her for walks in an open field. She would run in circles, as she was blind, but she had the time of her life. What separated myself and Foxy was events/situations that occurred one after the other in my early 20's. I moved around a lot, and I chose not to communicate with family. My circumstances changed, and I was not able to have Foxy with me. She was not in my care for approximately 4 years. Anyways, Foxy lived a long life and she left me with so many great memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not being in a position to have taken care of Foxy before her passing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not pushing hard enough to be in a position to have been able to accommodate for Foxy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Person A for Foxy passing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Person A for not caring for Foxy the same way I would have if she was with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Person B, Person C, and Person D, for the events/situations that occurred that corrupted my life in my early 20's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for Foxy passing away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the system for Foxy passing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regretful about not being by Foxy's side or her being by my side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about Foxy passing away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel grief about Foxy passing away.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to blame Person A for not being able to afford vet bills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being able to pay for vet bills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at Person A for not taking her to the vet when I was 10 - 11 years old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not considering Foxy in the choice and decision that I was making in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry for leaving Foxy with Person A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because Foxy may have lived longer if she was with me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that death is a natural part of life



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 21 Jul 2017, 02:14

DAY 33: Blame, Guilt, and Regret - Part 2


Yesterday my dog passed away. My emotional reactions were not big or took control of me. I felt them in my solar plexus as little burst of emotions. I didn't know how to feel at first about my dog passing and I was questioning why I wasn't crying. What I already knew was that if we emotionally react to situations/events it doesn't change anything. For me, if I were to emotionally react, and become those emotions, I'd be harming my body, and my life. The feeling of being emotionally unstable is not comfortable for me. The reactions were little tiny bursts in my solar plexus that I do not pay much attention to. They were reactions to thoughts, and memories. Thoughts and memories and emotions I can breathe away. Therefore, the choices were to let my emotions drive me/take over me or simply breathe them away, write out how I feel, and forgive. Not to say that breaking down and crying about the situation is a bad or good, we all process grief and loss differently, my way is to simply let go of any emotions, handle the situation as stable as possible, write about it, forgive it and continue breathing. If there are still emotional reactions or grief then it is the same process. To keep clearing away the emotional baggage. Once all cleared, what I enjoy doing is to celebrate a life. That is by having dinner, a get-together, any type of space and environment where I can celebrate a life is very cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being a cold-hearted person for not crying about my dogs death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect me to be in tears/upset, and emotionally unstable about my dogs death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that everyone process grief and loss differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being/becoming emotionally upset.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that being emotionally unstable can effect how we deal with situations/events in everyday life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that emotions/feelings are movements, energy, in our solar plexus that we have a choice of being/becoming or breathing, letting go, and forgiving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Person A for reacting and crying about my dog passing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who cry to be a 'wimp' and/or emotionally unstable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who cry to let out how they feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect everyone to not react or be/become emotionally upset about death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect me to feel or experience emotions to situations/events that occur in my life.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 22 Jul 2017, 02:33

DAY 34: Personal Take On Sexuality and Like of the Same-sex Intimately and Sexually


About a week ago I watched a vlog from someone speaking about their opinion on sexuality. I consider the opinion for hours. I debunked the opinion from its very core which helped me out of the whole consideration process... Thankfully..lol. Normally, when people have opinions about sexuality, I do experience some slight annoyance, frustration, and intolerance. But what seems to determine the heaviness of these energetic reactions/emotions is who is speaking the opinion.

I've listened to religious groups speak their opinions about people who like the same-sex intimately. Actually, speaking that now, I do react heavy. Not in behaviour, but like a fireball in my solar plexus, and it revs. Anyways, I do become very annoyed about people spreading hateful opinions, remarks, and insults about same-sex relationships. But, to an extent, I do sit back and laugh at them sometimes because I know it is revealing so much about who they are as people than who they're speaking about. So, I've always been able to bring it back to myself, be clear with where I stand, and debunk their opinions.

I spent hours in this consideration process because it came from someone in a group that I consider myself a part of. The start of the vlog I agreed with, but with the opinion about what we have to look at, I didn't agree with. It was a cool that I had this disagreement because if I were to agree... It would be quite detrimental.

So, to come clean, and it isn't always easy for me to say this as I do have fears around it.. But for the blog, I am going to share. I am a female who likes other females sexually and intimately. I have since I was quite young. So, hearing hateful comments, remarks, judgments, sayings, etc... does make that part of me feel slightly not accepted by people and certain groups. It is a common inner-conflict that I have observed in other individuals who like the same-sex intimately and sexually. From my own personal experience of this point, I start to have the inner-conflict with myself when I hear an opinion that is rather against same-sex relationship, then I have to debunk it all so that it doesn't affect me, my own acceptance of that part of myself, and/or my decisions/choices in my life. So, feeling like I am being discriminated against by people, and groups for liking the same-sex sexually and intimately.

It can be a tricky topic to talk about even from my own personal perspective. Lol. If we look at it, it is people trying to give their opinions on who a person should spend their life with. In honesty, that is not up to anyone outside of the two people who decide to be together. If a relationship is beneficial for both, they're assisting/supporting each to live to their utmost potential, they're both consenting to it, there is no abuse, it is not compromising, and it is both what they want, and they're ok with it, then it is none of anyone else's business. If anyone has any form of judgment to a relationship such as that, then I'd have to say you need to investigate yourself.

As for people wanting to know why people do like the same-sex intimately and sexually... There is all different kinds of factors involved with a person liking the same-sex intimately and sexually. It can be because the body responds more to same-sex physical sex, it can be past experience, personal preferences, like/dislikes, it can be a range of factors, such as biological, etc... etc... It can even be beingness related ... There is so many factors. But do not forget the most common factor.. which is that people simply want to be happy with someone they really want to be with on a physical and intimately level. It's quite simple. All we have to work with is how our world is now, and in this day and age, physical intimacy should not be a target considering their if violence, wars, rape, etc.. etc.. etc.. that we need to take responsibility and so change. That's my opinion and perspective. And from the words that someone said to me years ago, making a choice of whether you like females or males is like choosing whether you like vanilla or chocolate icecream.. lol. It is that simple. Not a big deal. Bring it back to self, and remove any judgments that come up about sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when people make hateful comments, remarks, statements, sayings, opinions and saying about same-sex relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry when people make hateful comments, remarks, statements, sayings, opinions, and saying about same-sex relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inner-conflict each time that I hear someone giving an opinion about same-sex relationships or sexuality in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect individuals, people, and groups to accept that I like same-sex as partnership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my family may think of me for liking the same-sex intimately and sexually

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my friend may think of me for liking the same-sex intimately and sexually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone in a group that I participate in making an opinion of my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can bring the choice/decision back to myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I do not have to follow a person's opinion about sexuality and same-sex relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am wrong/right for liking same-sex sexually and intimately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intolerance and frustrated about like of the same-sex intimately and sexually opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not accepted by society because of certain people and/or groups speaking out hateful remarks, comments, sayings, and opinions of people who like same-sex sexually and intimately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it as a personal attack when people share their opinions about people who like the same-sex intimately and sexually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let inner-conflict ignite when I hear people share against opinions of people who like the same-sex intimately and sexually.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that who I go with as a partnership in this life time is up to me and the person whom I am to be with one day.

When and as I see myself being/becoming frustrated about people speaking their opinions on like of the same-sex intimately and sexually - I stop and I breathe - I realise that people are entitled to their opinions but I make the final decision on who I spend my life with.



Danielle

Re: Danielle's Writings

Postby Danielle » 23 Jul 2017, 00:48

DAY 35: Past Memories Present Moment, Future Projection, Internal Conversation/Backchat - The Mind


I go for long walks sometimes on a Saturday. Today was a Saturday that I wanted to walk through the nature reserves. I like the walks, the trees, the sun, the mountains, the scenery, the movement of my body, birds sounds, and the views. It is nice to get out of the house to go for a hike. However, what can be a pain in the butt is the past memories, the future projections, and the internal conversations/backchat that come up taking my focus away from the present moment.

It can be difficult when I am outside to remain in the moment. I step out the door with a cool focus on the breath. The focus on the breath is taking a breath in when my body needs it, and letting it out when my body needs to. It starts off like that, what pulls me in the mind is a memory of the past, a future projection, internal conversation/backchat, and then I will cycle init. I miss out on all the scenery, I miss out on the whole purpose of me stepping out and going for a walk. I miss everything. I come home, and all I existed as/in was the mind.

When we live in our minds all we will exist as/in is past memories, future projections, internal conversations/backchat, and only in the present moment for a few breaths. It has to be a consistent in breath and out breath to remain in the moment -- to not exist or fall back into the mind. What I have found to be helpful at practising this is by using breathing in an exercise. Pick one of your favourite workout routines, and number out when you will take a breath. A breath on every 3 push-ups, A breath on every 3 sit-ups, a breath when your body needs to take in or an out breath in a yoga pose, and with consistency with this, you'll start to realise the focus more on the breath. I've learned that there is always needs to be a focus on something, a structure, and in the way I exercise, it has helped a great deal. The focus for me when I am not working out/exercising is the focus on when the body needs to breathe out and in. So where you focus can assist/support with the consistency of breathing. This if you're not so fond of saying 1, 2, 3, 4 within yourself when breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as my mind on long walks/hikes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down at the ground when I walk where I do not see or focus on what is around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wear a hat that covers up my whole face so that I do not have to hang my head down in case of getting sunburnt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as past memories, future projections, internal conversations/backchats when I am walking/hiking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out on life/here, the scenery, the views, houses, trees, birds, wildlife, people, the earth and all in it by participating in the mind as the past memories, backchat/internal conversation, and future projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in patterns that come up in the mind as I walk/hike

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the distance for my falls back into the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the areas I walk in for me falling into the mind and not focusing on when my body needs to breath in and out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame what comes up in the mind for me falling into the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the mind for my lack of consistency with the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the thoughts that come up in my mind to me falling into the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to cycle in my mind where I do not remain in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out on a full day of walking/hiking by cycling in thought patterns in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use walking for future projections

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that the breath is a gift of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it will take consistency, practice, and dedication to focus on when the body needs an in breath and an out breath.

When and as I see myself falling into past memories, future projections, Internal conversations/backchat whilst walking - I stop and I breathe - I realise that existing in and as the mind will limit me from enjoying my walk/hike and all that I can see and do whilst on my walk/hike. Therefore, to remain present, head up, and enjoy the scenery, the sounds, the views, and most importantly the breath.

I commit myself to practice being consistent with the use of the breath

I commit myself to practice being focused on when my body needs an in and out breath.

I commit myself to wear a hat that covers my whole face from the sun so I can look up

I commit myself to keep a comfortable posture when I walk/hike




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