Alexanndre's Writing

[Alexandre]

Writing myself # 4 August
Today I woke up around 7:30 for work with my father; I have been working with him in building construction for the last months.
Some thoughts came up in my mind: the habitual resistances and excuses to remain in bed, then some physical pain as I get up and went to eat breakfast as I make my mind to walk through the day, one moment at the time.
The morning went in a constant moment, yet with the occurrence of various repeating thoughts and physical tiredness. The same as in the afternoon although I experienced more moments of stress related to the work done today.

Thought - Having to work for my father in building construction has become part of my reality, since I`m looking for a job in my area in civil engineering for some while. So I am doing what´s presenting itself in my present life - also my father has some debts, this has been my main focus and concern lately and the cause of the pressure with which I am constantly. These thoughts appear circling every now and then during the day which then compound in the form of regret and guilt and energetic movements during work.

I`ve been focusing my attention in self-direction, because when I allow myself to participate in my mind in circling thoughts I immediately lose touch with the work to be done, so it’s like a constant pushing to be here, stopping the thoughts and ideas that appear; to stand with awareness of direction, yet many thoughts are constantly emerging.
I went to the bar after dinner to have coffee. I chatted a little as I am also pushing this point of talking with others, pushing myself in communication with others.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think on justifications for my present situation in my life to keep my mind occupied during the day;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts circling in my mind during the day which then compound in the form energetic movements during work;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel regret and guilt for my present situation that I compound within blaming myself for my father`s debts, instead of direct myself stopping such thoughts and ideas.


Writing myself # 21 August
Today, Sunday, I wake up around 10.00; I was feeling like sleepy and heavy with 7 hours of sleep because I was watching a movie till late the night before.

Thoughts - As I woke up I started to think about last evening`s conversation with some friends, cycling in my mind; I sat for awhile and I breathed until I clear my mind.

I had breakfast and went to help my father with catching some vegetables in my backyard. Then I went to the garden arrange the beds of the trees so that they can sustain more water.
After lunch my father asked me to draw a sketch of a small job that he is going to budget, since my area is civil engineering and my father has a small business in construction building, now and then I assist him in these things.
After this I went in my room to read for a moment on DIP lesson.

Feelings - I was feeling anxious and nervous because the weekend was almost over and I haven’t had felt confident enough to conclude some points on the DIP lesson.

I also was expecting to meet with my cousin today but he was not in town.
Feeling - I am feeling at fault with him because I could try to meet with him more times.

After dinner I went to the bar to have coffee. It started raining at night even though we are in midsummer; I read the journal and I chatted a little with friends.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and nervous when I am with myself reading;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety towards walking the DIP material, instead of walk the material practically supporting myself with breathing to release myself from any emotions;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned because the weekend is ending; instead of remain constant and breathing, aware of myself moment by moment through the day;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel the idea that I am at fault with my cousin because I could try to meet with him more times, instead of stopping such thoughts of guilt and fault, breathing through any self-recrimination.

[Marlen]

Thanks for sharing Alexandre - focusing on breath is quite a cool support when we see that thoughts are seemingly not able to stop - we then bring ourselves back HERE breathing and continuing what's required to be done.

[Alexandre]

I am continuing working with my father on construction works - in this moment I see this as my available option, although sometimes I think that is tough for me, that I am not living the best of myself in terms of my scholar capabilities and given the monotonous tough work that this work requires.
I am aware that some resistances will occur during the day related to stress and habitual thoughts; although I see the opportunity to direct myself and to be more disciplined in terms of practically participating in reality and be more physically aware of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I shouldn’t be working here because I am not living the best of myself in terms of my scholar capabilities, instead of realizing the opportunity to direct myself and be disciplined in terms of practically participating in reality and be physically aware of myself, walking the resistances as I walk what’s necessary to be done;
I forgive myself for haven’t allowed myself to be selfhonest with myself and actually see that I am responsible for what I experience in every moment, as the thoughts, words and actions I participate in;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself in inferiority, because I think that I am not living the best of myself;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not living the best of myself, creating a separate experience of myself that is inferior to what I think is my best, instead of realizing that I am just resisting what is here;
I stop myself from taking excuses and reasons to avoid taking responsibility for what is here;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when someone speaks to me in a tough tone of voice;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in emotional turmoil within myself when someone calls my attention;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience irritation towards others, instead of realizing that I am creating this irritation in separation of myself which shows that I am irritated with myself. In these moments I breathe, stabilizing myself, stopping such judgments and evaluations;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the emotion of fear in certain moments;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself in fear of something;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is real and valid to act towards what is here without awareness;

[Marlen]

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the emotion of fear in certain moments;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself in fear of something

Hi Alexandre

Suggest to be more specific in relation to fears, to really open the point up in detail - fear can be anything that limits yourself from living and expressing so, it can be many things according to how you work as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not living the best of myself, creating a separate experience of myself that is inferior to what I think is my best, instead of realizing that I am just resisting what is here;

Here it's quite clear how this is all a mind-job wherein while thinking of 'doing the best' and not actually doing so in fact and indulging into self-judgment for 'not doing so', one is simply existing at the mind level instead of simply walking through the point of physically directing yourself to be HERE in every moment and do what you're able and capable of in every single moment - you making sure you do not sabotage yourself by going into the mind before even actually working on it in reality.

No thoughts are required as 'ideals', just taking what is 'here' as what needs to be done and place yourself as that point that will ensure it gets done at the level of efficiency and effectiveness it requires to be at. Within this, the self-sabotage as your mind projecting on to reality will have no space - this takes you stopping yourself as such thoughts and simply focusing on the actual work that needs to be done.

Thanks for sharing

[Alexandre]

Hi Marlen, Thanks for the support
In relation to fear that I experience – I usually experience fear when I allow myself to participate in my mind within thoughts, concerning about problems in my life and imagining or trying to figure a way out of them.
I experience fear - subconsciously - walking through day to day life, because I am walking with the problems and concerns within me, which seems - if I could lose my direction if I let go of my concerns.
Usually I am concerned with me looking for a job in my area and my father’s work and his problems with money, also this affect my relation with friends. When I am with friends, even though I am making the effort to be aware, stopping the thoughts and focusing myself in my breathing, I usually find myself to become building up with impatience that results with me being in a “waiting stance” when I am with friends - Mostly I will be concerned and will talk about myself being looking to find a job in my area and me being working for my father. From this perspective I am also trying to transcend my uneasiness of communicating with people.
I would preferably like to work in Lisbon (the capital), because many of my friends I talk with also work there.

From these points I experience some polarity where I think that I am not living the best of myself because I am not doing what I am good at, which is an idea that I have: I think that I am good or would be good at a certain job such as civil engineering - the truth is that I fear not be up to the requirements of the job, because of my uneasiness of communicating with people.
The other polarity is my present situation of being working with my father, where I think that I am experiencing myself inferior to what I think is my best.
From this situation come the concerns about money problems of my father, which I am making an effort to help in sorting out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of superior and inferior that results in resistance towards what is physical reality, as I think of a superior alternative projection of what I could be, which I fear due to my uneasiness of communicating with people;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions of fear when I have to participate in my reality, particularly when it concerns with communicating with people;

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of me experiencing myself inferior to what I think is my best, and use this idea as justification to not direct myself effectively in this moment, but remain concern with future projects;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my present work uncertainty to also be uncertain of myself;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to go to another place where I could find myself, because I am denying to face myself in this moment;

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In a inner perspective – I fear of not be able to direct myself effectively or fear of not be able to know how to express myself effectively - when I am thinking in which direction I must go - to bring change in me directing me in self realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty of having lost opportunities in the past to support myself and direct myself, even though I am being supported at this moment, but nonetheless prefer to remain hoping for something else to support me; in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the support that was given to me, where I preferred to remain hoping for something else to support me

[Alexandre]

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect self-direction, occupying my mind with concerns and wanting to have control over moments, instead of move myself fluently and attentive in every moment, focusing on what I am doing in the moment as required to do, breathing through reactive habits that keep me locked in the same concerns and self judgments;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind emotional states that separate myself from reality to remain in my mind, creating all kinds of self judgment, and recriminating myself for past events where I have compromised myself before my world as my current life, instead of walk through the resistances as emotional states, breathing and giving myself the opportunity to build self trust as a self commitment to my life;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have expectations in relation to my individual process of building self-trust, where I keep relating progress with knowledge instead of realizing that process is supporting myself in sorting out my habitual mind chatting and to make myself stable within every breath;

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to walk with common sense through my self created consequences, establishing myself in every breath within commonsensical correction where I give myself the opportunity to stop the accumulation of consequences for me and others in my life;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize emotions because is apparently simpler to give away self-direction to something else separate from myself - be it emotional states or accumulated back-chat, instead of realizing that I am the only one that can practically direct myself
I direct myself aware of my breathing;
I stop my backchat and establish the accumulation of self-trust moving myself practically within my life;
I walk commonsensical correction

[Alexandre]

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create spitefulness from my relation with my father by using the fact that I am been working with him as an excuse to abdicate my self-direction and compromising myself in situations where I could be participating practically;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be incapable of letting go of the concerning and anxiety that has become my accepted way of experiencing myself;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my mind with concerns and anxiety;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to have an ideal situation to be able to express myself;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not able to express myself because I'm stuck within my mind;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that expressing myself is worthless because I know that I am expressing a personality behavior;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my personality behaviors and mannerisms;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my thoughts;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak with a second idea in mind;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress emotions and feelings;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting to define what I am experiencing at the expense of what I am accepting and allowing.

[Alexandre]

I was speaking with friends the other day about the various styles of music and decided to approach this topic with some Selfforgivenss:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good sensations when listening to certain kinds of music;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nostalgic when listening to certain songs;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define music as good music or bad music in relation to the reactions that I am experiencing in my stomach in response to the sound captured by my ears;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing sensations in my stomach to divert my attention;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overwhelmed with the sensations that I am experiencing in my stomach;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recreate myself with melodies in my head;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by the lyrics of songs because of the structured way that the lyrics are sung and the good vibrations that I experience when listening to them;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger when listening to songs that I define as lousy;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to feel relaxed when listening to calm music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing excitement and enthusiasm within me to direct my hearing perception when I hear music that is structured to stimulate the listener;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mesmerized by excitement and enthusiasm by separating myself from the sound that I perceive with my ears and allowing myself to create a relation with the sound and vibrations of songs;

[Marlen]

Cool for taking on this point. This video can expand your current perspective on this so that we get to understand how to approach the world of entertainment without creating further separation.

Movies, Magazines and Media - a Desteni-Perspective

[Alexandre]

Self-forgiveness on projecting blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in spitefulness towards my mother;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project judgment and anger towards my mother about her habits of housekeeping;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother makes me lose my temper every time I observe her in her household tasks, instead of realizing that I am responsible for myself and for the way I accept myself to be influenced by my mother;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience annoyance when hearing my mother speaking to me, instead of realizing that it’s me creating this perception as the experience of annoyance, therefore I breath and direct myself in every moment I experience annoyance, realizing that I am just being selfdishonesty with myself If I am to continue to experience this, as an indication that I am not here in the moment and rather too lost within my mind to give the proper attention to my mother´s requests;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about the meals my mother prepares;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up discontentment towards the daily meals in home;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame towards my mother for my present situation, instead of realizing that blaming my mother is useless besides being an indication of my self-deception as the blame that I throw to my mother is in fact me not wanting to take responsibility for self here. I stop the blame in the moment realizing that I will take the consequences of my self-deception;

I forgive myself that I haven’t realize that by participating in spiteful thoughts in relation to my mother I am creating a relation in my mind that connects my mother with emotions of irritation which I continuously build up, therefore I stop participating in spitefulness towards my mother realizing that I am in truth irritated only with myself, for that reason I am also equal to the spitefulness that I am participating in and by participating in it I will certainly experience moments of irritation towards my mother to realize and see that I am the only responsible for what I experience as within as without;

I forgive myself that I haven’t realized that the judgment, anger and blame that I am projecting towards my mother is in truth what I am experience towards myself, and that my mother is actually showing me what I have accepted myself to be and become, and what I have to face in every moment of self-participation in my reality;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame towards my mother for my own problems, instead of realizing that if I define problems as my own then I am the only responsible person for them;

I am responsible;

I stop blaming and take responsibility in every moment of every breath.