hiram hernandez' new journey to life

User avatar
hiram noe hernandez
Posts: 48
Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 19 Jul 2017, 23:04

i've got a problem with drugs. i had this idea that what motivates me to do drugs is to enhance my masturbation addiction experiences. but maybe that's not completely so. i do drugs to escape my reality. i'm addicted to experiencing a mental-orgasm. ..... because my life sucks, and i have a lot of work to do to completely fix my life. i've got problems, issues, and it sucks. my life sucks a lot. and when i try to change i get overwhelmed with the fear i have to face, and it's easy to just run away from myself into doing drugs and masturbating to picture images. it's easier to mind-fuck myself. but in the long run of allowing myself to try to escape myself by mind-fucking myself ..... the life-style of doing that is not sustainable. because as an addict to drugs and masturbation to picture images i am very dysfunctional in this world's money system; i cant sustain myself. so living the life style of an addict to drugs and masturbation to picture images i cant relax for long because there are always problems coming up because i cant sustain my life style. drugs fuck me up to extensively. i cant even fuckin read or be stable when i'm all fucked up on pills. so i tend to cancel my process when i'm high because i don't have my ability to focus well enough and plus my short term memory sucks when i'm high.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my desire to do drugs to control my life.
i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to be too lazy to stop accepting and allowing myself to take drugs.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take drugs with the excuse that i take drugs to masturbate, using it as an excuse to accept and allow myself to take drugs. a reason to take drugs.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take drugs to sabotage myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take drugs to spite myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take drugs to resent myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take drugs to take revenge on myself for sucking.
i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to suck.

.... what's happening now is that after a few self forgiveness statements i am experiencing resistance to forgive myself. what i see is coming up is self-judgment. inside myself somewhere in myself i see myself as a type of character that i am judging. as this fuckin asshole whos a fuckin hypocrite and.... is a fuckin asshole. and if i saw someone like that i would not like them and somewhere inside myself i would not regard them or consider them; and somewhere inside myself i would judge them mercilessly because "they have no soul". ... somewhere inside myself i am very very judgmental. and somewhere inside myself what i can say about all the people that i judge is that "they have no soul" so "fuck those assholes".



User avatar
Andrea Rossouw
Posts: 587
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 11:41

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby Andrea Rossouw » 23 Jul 2017, 16:42

Hi Hiram,

I would like to suggest an exercise - along the lines of 'stopping these thoughts of judgment and being unforgiving towards past moments. An exerciser within this you have written would be for one day (and from there the aim becomes to make it day 2 and 3 and so forth) practise and agree to stop all abusive and self diminishing and judging thoughts as they happen - even if its second into the thought or at the end - doesn't matter - just catch the thought as soon as you become aware and say 'Stop' and breathe in and out and in and out. If necessary keep saying stop and forgive yourself for the thought and the judgments (and whatever in that moment you notice e.g sabotage, vindictiveness, fear etc...).


Then step 2 is to set one goal of something you will 'DO' in relation to what you mentioned above - the holding back and the fear. So for that day you pick one action - such as 'thus far you were judging and criticizing and thinking you cannot do anything different because of the past - now you set a goal for that day/ You say ok so my goal is for example to do something that I would normally not like to do, be to lazy to do, to fearful to do, or something I would normally tell myself 'what is the point you have already messed up to much' - whether it is to go for a walk instead of the usual pattern of sitting and watching porn, or write a story to yourself containing future goals, or a story to yourself of 'Hi Hiram this is me and who I would like to be' or sit and draw/paint or walk a dog, or go help your family with the dishes or visit a friend, go on an outing, walk in a park - ANYTHING that is directive and allows you to step outside yourself, your patterns, your usual behaviours. Just the beginning of practising something small that is different and new and is a point of 'small change'. Doesn't have to be SPECIAl or MASSIVE - just a thing.

Day 2 - do it again. Use your writings and sf to explore at LEAST one sincere line of SF for example where you can say today this one thing moved in me or 10 things moved in me - let me forgive it and maybe... DAy 3 pick a correction to repeat or try for that one mis-take or problem. Get creative - look at ways to create SOLUTIONS as ACTIONS you can walk the next day based on a previous days stuck points or judgments or fears or mistakes.

Each day doing ONE thing at least - even if on one day you feel like shit - pick one small task such as doing washing or dusting or drawing or lying outside on the grass - so that even on the tired days the mind and body might be in withdrawal OR your mind is using manipulation to pull the energy down you already start practicing NO I will still do SOMETHING - even if it is small.



User avatar
hiram noe hernandez
Posts: 48
Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 24 Jul 2017, 22:10

day 2, 1:52pm Monday, July 24, 2017

I commit myself to at least for today not take any drugs. I mean, a few cigarettes is ok, but not pills or weed (shit like that). not alcohol either. but like, a few doses of heroine, I mean, that okay. no not really. and I commit myself to, with that free space wherein I would of automatically went and token drugs, I commit myself to in that space do something supportive. something to do with my time, something which is not automatic. I commit myself to finish the heavens-journey-to-life post I left of on about 4 days ago. to finish the sf statements and then also read the commitment statements outloud. I commit myself to do that today. I commit myself to bathe myself. I commit myself to continue reading a book I've been reading for a while ("Damian" by Hermann Hesse) which I was reading everyday but haven't read it for the past week or so. so i'll read a few pages of that. and I commit myself to, with the dollar I have, buy myself some headphones and look at the new video of "tell-a-vision" starring sunette and joe ku. ....well, I'm not gona commit myself to not masturbate to picture images today. but I do want to do more than just that with my day's time. I want to do self supportive things too, so there's more of a balance and I'm more stable and so the way I live the day of today is more sustainable than if I were to get all fucked up with pills and weed and fuckin masturbate to porn all day and.... and then I would probably eventually feel exhausted and hungry and I would be do damn fucked up to do anything about that.



User avatar
hiram noe hernandez
Posts: 48
Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 26 Jul 2017, 04:42

tuesday 7/25/17
day 3
ive been noticing as i observe myself that when there is a balance in my lifestyle = i am more stable. meaning, yes today i did drugs and i masturbated, but i also did other things such as read a book that supports me to understand and direct my mind. i also did a little bit of heavensjourneytolife reading, and i also finished a drawing i had started which is an expresion of how i feel. in the past i have had this belief and idea that i can just fucking masturbate forever; and i've even believed that there is no point in life if i dont masturbate to picture images. but there is obviously a lot more than just that, and its like worthwhile too. so this is how i would like to continue to support myself. i mean that i'd like to have a balance in my life and then in that be more functional in this world money system as it currently exists. i cant just fuckin masturbate forever, no, i can masturbate , then i can do other things. i can feed my brain.
i commit myself to start to reintegrate balance into my day to day living, wherein i am sexual but i am also a learner and an artist and an expression that is not limmited to only sexual experiences. i commit myself to also consider my hygiene. i commit myself to have a hygiene. lol. i commit myself to walk a process of starting to commit myself more to other things (which would be of self-support), and not just fucking masturbating.



Marlen
Posts: 4122
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Contact:

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby Marlen » 27 Jul 2017, 16:58

Hi Hiram,

You write about wanting to 'have' balance, so how about creating such balance then where you can place your focus and attention to doing stuff that actually assist you to be more 'in the physical' instead of only 'giving into' the pattern you've been feeding for a long time in relation to just 'getting a fix', an energetic fleeting fix through masturbation and 'masturbate yourself to death' if you will, which I'm sure you'd kick yourself for doing in a life review after seeing how limited it is to 'live your sexuality' that way, which at the moment I'd dare to say it's not even 'sexuality' you are living, but only a relationship of energetic addiction Using your sexual organs as a way to obtain it, definitely limited and not really honoring yourself as your body.

Therefore it's cool what you mention when it comes to having the intent to do supportive things in your persona, like caring for what you eat, the rest you take, exercising, doing more physical activities, placing your attention and focus to creating something - working with your hands, physically would be great in your case - so that you can stop only being 'idle' in your mind thinking of sex/drugs and wishing to have such fixes all the time.

So, definitely make use of the reality around you to assist yourself into a stable position. Otherwise trying to 'stop it all' just by being alone in a room doesn't sound like a sane decision. How about taking some job like working with wood, building, planting/cultivating stuff? That definitely has assisted a lot of us in our process to precisely create such balance you are referring to, you have to create it, it won't come 'your way' just like that, you have to go an d seek it out, move.

Doing simple things like caring for your body can assist you in rewiring your current relationship to it, from using it as a source of 'energy highs' and 'mental fixes' to an actual part of you that you can stand equal to in order to genuinely learn how to live... which we are all in the process of learning and doing.

Take care



User avatar
hiram noe hernandez
Posts: 48
Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 28 Jul 2017, 00:47

today I felt very exhausted and tired. but I'm considering that tiredness doesn't really exist. I can feel that my body is lacking a resource to sustain itself and function and I can feel myself weakening but that it. I don't have to surrender my being to be limited to that tiredness experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that tiredness exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that I can actually be tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am as life is tiredness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can actually be tired.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that who I am as life can never be tired.



User avatar
hiram noe hernandez
Posts: 48
Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 31 Jul 2017, 19:42

sunday 7/30/11
day 4

at the moment i experience sadness, i feel melancholic. i'm not sure how to define it. i also feel scared as usual. these past days i've just been getting high with pills and masturbating to picture images. that's what i've been mainly focused on. i've also been reading. today i decided to stop; because being psychotic in/as taking extensive amounts of pills constantly and masturbating extensively to picture iamges and ejaculating so many times every day - was very unsustainable; i because extensively exhausted and was hardly eating. i wont lie, it seems so easy to just fall back into the pattern; it seems automatic. it feels exhilarating to think of pursuing this patern again, but it will eventually suck to allow myself to go into it again, i don't want to end up where it ends up in.

an observation i made some moments ago is that in checking out women's bodys i am judging their bodys, rating them; some bodys i accept and others i don't - based on how ive programed myself to judge them .... based on their curves, not on who they really are. yet, as i allow myself to judge others based on how their bodys look - i am also very paranoid of others judging me. my point is i see i'm the convict of my own convictions here.

masturbation/sex shouldnt have to compromize me this way. feeling sexual/erotic/horny shoudlnt mean i have to compromize myself by extensively mind-fucking myself.

a change i would like to do is - to stop compromizing myself with/by checking out women's bodys and watching porn. i'm not slaying i want to stop masturbation. i want to stop the picture images in the masturbation, because i want to stop sabotaging myself this way and limiting myself this way. as for the drugs, at the moment i am not saying i will stop them.

i consider that i have to motivate myself to stop picture images. i need to remember strong reasons why i should stop picture images. some strong reasons i have already pointed out in this writing; to stop being the convict of my own convictions. but as for masturbation - it doesnt seem healthy to stop it. for now, i probably dont have a choice but to be very sexual if i dont want to die.

when and as i see myself checking out womens bodys or watching porn or wanting to do so/ thinking of doing so - i stop, i breathe, i realize that if i allow myself to do so - i am going to be fueling my own fear/trauma/paranoia of what others think of me, others judging me, because this is what i am doing to others; i am doing it to myself as well. i commit myself to walk a process of stopping allowing myself to self sabotage myself by checking out womens bodys/ watching porn. i commit myself to practice masturbation without picture images.



User avatar
hiram noe hernandez
Posts: 48
Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 01 Aug 2017, 01:34

i am considering that if i have fallen into the masturbation to picture images on drugs addiction many many times in the past even after i commit myself to stop - it's because i have not forgiven myself for something, and i am suppressing it with the addiction. i guess i havnt forgiven myself for that something because i havent had the guts; because i havent had the guts to LET GO.



User avatar
hiram noe hernandez
Posts: 48
Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 01 Aug 2017, 03:37

the following might be in the wrong topic, but i got a question and i'm just gona ask it here: is self-forgiveness something that i can force on myself or no? can i force myself to forgive myself? or is doing sf by forcing it on oneself imposible?



User avatar
hiram noe hernandez
Posts: 48
Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 02 Aug 2017, 02:39

monday 7-31-17
day 5
a point that has seemed predominant (or close to that) in me is the point that, i have the idea that .... i fear being transparent before another being. i fear being myself, the way i am when i am alone, with another being. i fear another being seeing what i have done with/to my human physical body in the ways i have come to masturbate. i fear another being knowing/seeing the physical consequences that have manifested in my human physical body and that i now experience because of what I've done to it; i guess i can say - what I've done to myself. that my body is not fuckin normal anymore. so i fear another seeing what has become of my body. and obviously this is affecting the possibility of me finding a sexual partner, a partner in life, because i'm scared, that what has become of my body will be unacceptable to another being.

but if i don't accept myself and my human physical body (with the excuse that it is unacceptable to others) then i wont be absolutely/totally/unconditionally/completely honoring/valuing/loving myself, standing up for my self and defending my right to be honored/respected/loved/valued simply because i exist. so now i consider that maybe this has been the problem/main-problem/essential-problem that I've had all this time, that i haven't stood up for myself and valued/loved/considered/respected and been of importance to myself unconditionally before all of existence/ the whole universe. I've been worried about fitting in with everyone else. i haven't let myself be, i haven't accepted myself.

my point is that i've made this such a major issue within myself, that my body isn't normal anymore and that other human beings wont like my body and they wont want to be my partner, and not just concerning someone that could be my partner but also in general everyone else... me fearing the way i am, ... that i am not normal anymore. my point is i have focused a lot on fearing whether or not others will accept me, but in this what i have missed is that I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO ACCEPT MYSELF.




Return to “Writing Yourself to Freedom”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron