I say - the fear of being judged doesn't really come from other people, it comes from me. I probably fear seeing my own self-judgment through others, as in others just being like a mirror where I get to see how I really feel inside of myself. I don't really fear what other people think of me or that they'll judge me, I actually fear seeing that I judge myself. why do I judge myself?? ....at the moment I'm not clear on and completely sure of why I am judging myself. it seems that I am very frustrated and scared that i'll die. ... when I quit picture images and even drugs I eventually lose my motivation and I become overwhelmed of the mess that I've allowed myself to get myself into. I regret what I've allowed. it's easier to forget about my problems/issues and to instead allow myself to get possessed and feed my addiction. I'd say I actually try to force myself to get possessed. I love picture images extensively. but it's not that I really love picture images and drugs and masturbating that way, it's that I like hate having to face my mind. I don't know how I'm going to solve my problems yet. and I'm also scared about having to show another person what I've been allowing myself to do to myself for all these years and the concequences that it has manifested in my body and mind; I mean in relation to having partner that I have sex with and share my life with. it's weird because - so what if I get rejected? why the fuck would I fear not being able to control and manipulate other people to accept my bullshit? that's weird.
I probably deliberately don't allow myself to see/realize/understand what it means/is to really self-honestly forgive myself. but at the same time I think that I should react to what I'm allowing myself to do to myself; but then again, the reason why I'm allowing myself to do what I do to myself is because I'm already reacting, and so I suppress those reactions and try not to react that I'm allowing myself to suppress my reactions. so that would mean that I'm mind-fucking myself by trying to believe that I am not reacting inside myself to what I'm doing / to my addiction / to my mind / to my reality / I guess to myself. so I guess my forgiveness isn't even real. when i try to apply self-forgiveness it seems i just force myself to accept my bullshit, and that would mean that when i try to apply self-forgiveness what I'm actually doing is - forcing myself to not really forgive myself. i am not really accepting the reality of myself, my real self. i try to believe in an illusion - which is my addiction. i try to not allow myself to see what that illusion really is/means.
(damn, and as I'm writing this I'm suddenly wanting to eat some sugar. so i want to eat sugar right now but i haven't done it yet because maybe if i eat sugar I'm going to blind myself and so i might as well just stop writing right now; but I'm not sure if that is how it really is. i mean that i probably suddenly feel like eating sugar right now because what i really feel like is - not really seeing the point that I'm writing about right now). i think i actually rape myself when/as i force myself to become possessed with my addiction to masturbation to picture-images on drugs; a lot of the times i don't really enjoy it and it doesn't turn out to be the way i imagined it could be.What would be the next step in letting go of such judgments and reactions to whatever you believe other people are judging about you in those moments, where are you in that equation, what is it really about what you are doing that you would have to look at and really push through to change?
i used to think that if i allowed myself to be open to other people about what I've been doing to myself all these years and how i feel/really-feel - it would be the solution to my extensive paranoia and even the solution to my addiction. i was forced against my will to be in a drug rehabilitation center for six months in mexico and i just got out of there about 2 moths ago. when i was in there, i had the opportunity to stand up in front of almost everyone in there and tell them about my masturbation to picture images/porn addiction on drugs; that i would do drugs to enhance my masturbation and that i was addicted to porn and i even told them about the ways i would masturbate and that i was scared of what other people would think about me. so i told them (who were like my audience about these things, and i did feel better and not as scared as i was before i told them these things. but i didn't tell them absolutely everything that i fear other people knowing about me, and i still to an extent feared that they would find out about these things. so i wasn't so paranoid anymore but i still felt addicted to masturbation to picture images on drugs. so what i considered is that being open with other people about my issues wasn't really the solution to my addiction. .....one guy in there told me that he had heard that in order for a person to effectively really quit an addiction, when that person quits participating in their addiction that person needs to fill that empty space with something else, something supportive, and that if that person doesn't do that they will just fall back into their addiction.
when i was in the rehabilitation center i did try to stop participating in my addiction (my anxiously over eating addiction, my sugar addiction, my masturbation/ masturbation to picture images addiction) and what i would do was that i would constantly try to motivate myself to not fall back into it, by reminding myself about my realizations and by remembering supportive songs' lyrics. but what would happen was that when i felt the urge to go participate in my addictions i would resist motivating myself; so i deliberately wouldn't allow myself to remember my realization and the supportive songs' lyrics.
when i decide to quit masturbating to picture images on drugs (and even also other addictions) after a day or a few days i start to think that being Life sucks and that i don't want to really be life, but that i want to instead just keep masturbating and taking drugs and looking at picture images. with picture images i very easily motivate myself to go take drugs and masturbate, but without picture images i don't even really want to masturbate. maybe i need to find someone to be having sex with, but I'm not sure if that would be a solution.You know it, it won't be 'easy' and that's why giving up on 'one day' is indicating there's no understanding of the actual process, dedication, physical 'training' it takes, just like developing muscles = it's not a one day thing, this process works exactly the same way, there's work, dedication, will, perseverance, trial and error to not give up on but to continue pushing through it - same with what you are facing and believing you 'need' to live... you determine your conditions but here definitely to clarify for anyone reading how this is a way to use self-forgiveness and leaving things 'half way' because what comes after that is actually getting to see why you are still looking for pictures instead of focusing on actually creating your life in a way where you can stop depending on drugs and all kinds of fixes to LIVE you, not react to all kinds of triggers you've conditioned yourself to respond to now.
yes i am afraid of taking responsibility for my life. I'm not sure at the moment what the solution to this is. maybe more information/perspective about how the mind works and what is really going on would support me maybe a lot. that's one reason why i am wrting in the forum, because when i get to 40 writings i am going to apply for dip sponsorship, so i can learn. there's also eqafe, and i think eqafe is badass, but i haven't even bought 1 interview. what i do sometimes i that i try asking other people/destonians if they can buy it for me. I'm not rich, but i do know how to get money (i mean i use my money to invest in my addictions). I'm not saying i have hundreds of dollors; i don't. but i do get a little bit of money. what i resist is having to figure out how to make an online payment; i don't fuckin know how that shit works. i don't know how to get a fuckin credit card. i think that if i knew how to make an online payment i would of bought a shit load of interviews already, but I've resisted finding out how that works. if anyone here can buy me an interview then go for it, and if you have a reason not to then that is also okay. i cant blame others for me not having eqafe interviews. i just need to take some time / dedicate some time to investigate how to make an online payment.
so, to end this writing, i say that if i can make the effort to dedicate even a little bit of time every day to figure these things out and work on them - it will eventually add up to me really practically applying the nessesary solution to these problems/issues. so that is what i commit myself to do. i have to investigate how to make an online payment so that i can do it.