hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Adam Closs
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby Adam Closs » 02 Aug 2017, 17:49

Hi Hiram thanks for sharing your process in these points.
Can I force myself to forgive myself? You cannot take responsibility for a point and at the same time not. Then the self forgiveness would be meaningless. This is personal, I mean only my interpretation, but something that came up in me reading this question, was that relationship of forcing things to happen as a solution, like here attached to self forgiveness. So in seeing the resistance, it is in opening it up and seeing how you stand - as is - within it, kind of shifting from forcing it, to embracing who you are within it. Then you stand in a different place in relation to the resistance, you have entered more into it and have given to yourself the means to more direct yourself within it, and who you and how you are within it.



Marlen
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby Marlen » 03 Aug 2017, 15:14

Cool Hiram, in essence we externalize 'towards others' what we need to do for ourselves first, so you got it, working through all the judgments you have towards yourself, your body, your 'ways' will assist you in then not holding a relationship of judgment and guilt which now exists based on 'what you have done.'

I found this Life Review to be very supportive specially when considering that 'one cannot forgive oneself for what one has done' and take this guy's experience into consideration of what is the role of self forgiveness in it and what he came to realize about 'all the things he had done' in his life on Earth. So, check it out: Real Forgiveness vs Feel Good Forgiveness - Life Review

So, I agree with your last sentence there, you have to do it for yourself, you got the tools, you know 'how' so, it's a matter of starting to live that.



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 09 Aug 2017, 02:25

before I start I have a question. how do I direct my emotions/feelings?
day 6
what ive seen is that I don't really know what others are thinking. sometimes I create/generate a lot of emotional energy such as fear... as I think others are judging me. what ive realized is that all those paranoid thoughts aren't real. if I think that someone is judging me in their thoughts ... that's a mind fuck.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others are judging me when I don't even know.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that those thoughts are only in my head, and not neseserily in other people's head. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thoughts in my head that others are judging me.

I commit myself to walk a process to stop accepting and allowing myself to believe and trust my thoughts when I think a person is judging me.



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 09 Aug 2017, 18:35

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in my masturbation to picture images addiction.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to picture images on drugs.
i forgive mself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being addicted to masturbation to picture images on drugs is bad.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to stop masturbating.
i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to just masturbate.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear life.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unacceptable to life because i want quit masturbating to picture images on drugs.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to exist as life forever.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when i am gona masturbate to picture images because while i'm busy fuckin raping myself other beings such as the animals are being tortured and killed and imprisoned.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that i will be punished if i do not stop masturbating to picture images.
i forgive myself for acepting and allowing myself to actualy think and hope that i can quit masturbation to picture images on drugs and sort myself out.

i commit myself to walking a process of not giving a fuck if what i do is wrong.



Marlen
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby Marlen » 10 Aug 2017, 16:31

Hiram,
Your last post indicates there's no real understanding of 'who you are' in writing this out - the questions you can ask yourself are:
what are you doing it for?
who are you doing it for?
what's your starting point in being here and sharing it?
do you want to be supported on this, are you taking any support into consideration?
Do you REALLY want to change anything in you?
Are you Willing to do the actual physical decision to change things in your life? or
Are you trying to simply do it to 'feel better' about yourself in some way?

Within your writings there is no clear direction as to what you are Willing to DO to change and live differently.

So, be aware of the deception/abuse you create through your own statements, ultimately it's entirely up to you and your responsibility - here simply specifying it also for other forum readers - to whom we also hold as authors of our words a responsibility to - that these statements are a clear representation of what self-forgiveness is for - therefore, please align your participation in the forum if you do in fact want to support you at any real level in your life.



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 10 Aug 2017, 20:10

day 500,032
....no not really. DAY 8

I am doing this process for myself. initially before I found desteni (like 1 year before I found desteni) I cam to a point in my life where, it had been 1 or 2 years since I had started experiencing experiences of extensive fear and I would get panic attacks which I could not control and the way I saw it - it really fucked my life up. so at that point in my life I decided to look for 'spiritual healing', I thought I could find the solution there. so I started reading books about philosophy and metaphiscs and basicly spirituality. eventually I started thinking I was the most special being in the universe and I had this idea that I was meant to save the world. eventually I found desteni. then I found out that if I die as a mind I most likely will cease to exist, and that scared the shit out of me. so what it seems happened then was that my motivation to walk my process was 'fear'. but what I have been seeing for some months now is that if I allow my motivation to be 'fear', I start going into this polarity mind fuck bouncing from one side to the other, wherein I get all scared that I'm going to die (because I have severe heart problems and I still don't know how much more time I will live), and then in the fear of death, eventually i'll get tired of being so scared all the time and I'll start to let that fear go and say "fuck it if I die I die, that's it", and so I wont experience the fear anymore. and then when I stop experiencing the fear I start to see my heart condition getting better (I guess 'fear' affects my heart) and then i'll start thinking "oh yeah, I don't think I'm gona die anymore! I'm definitely not gona die!". and then some days later suddenly i'll feel a strong heart pain and i'll be like "oh shit! wtf!" and i'll get all scared again. and so yeah i'll just be going in that time loop.
so my point here that I want to say is that, I've realized that who I am, the way I am, what I do, it should be unconditional. it shouldn't be determined by whether I will die or not. I should be the same regardless. I shouldn't walk my process out of fear. I should walk my process because I want to know who I really am, because I want to know what I really am and what everything really means.
anyways, my topic for this post is another one. what I considered today is: it should be okay to have fun and be sexual/masturbate at times, but that shouoldnt control my life. and I shouldn't let sex/masturbation get in the way of what is more important, such as for example - this world's problems and my process. there needs to be a discipline, a respect - that I accept when it's time to work and when it's time to masturbate. it's okay to masturbate but I cant put that first, it doesn't work like that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pt masturbation first before my process and my survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only try to masturbate all the time over and over again and in that turn my back on everything else, such as my life, my process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let masturbation to picture imges on drugs make me a dysfunctional being in this world system's society wherein I don't have a job and sometimes I am hungry and I don't have any food or money to buy food and I'm like this because I allow myself to just masturbate and take drugs and isolate myself and not give a fuck about anything, not even my own life/existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I'm not able or haven't been able to stop masturbation to picture images and drugs over night.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to have a discipline wherein I put what is most important such as my process and my survival first and I make space/time for that, and then with what extra time I have left I allow myself to masturbate if I want.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that masturbating and sex is a bad thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed that I accept and allow myself to masturbate to picture images and take drugs.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to have a balance in my life wherein I am sexual at times but I am also responsible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be a saint.

I commit myself to walk a process wherein I establish responsibility in my life and my life and what I do is more organized, meaning that I put my process first and then after that I allow myself to explore masturbation/sex. I know sex/masturbation is not something separate from who I am, but I don't see myself stopping my masturbation to picture images on drugs addiction soon. I guess that is something that will take time; but what is more important is that I stop letting that addiction fuck up the rest of my life.



Marlen
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby Marlen » 10 Aug 2017, 23:18

but I don't see myself stopping my masturbation to picture images on drugs addiction soon. I guess that is something that will take time;
That's entirely up to you, meaning you decide 'how long' it takes for you to do it.

You mention in a couple of ways how you'll be 'stuck in that timeloop for a while' and here just to remember how we decide in every moment what we Are, what we live out, what we give attention and our breath to. Nothing and no one else is saying to you that 'it must take a long time' or 'it will take time' - it will take time to integrate the change as the new you, but that means you have to actually physically do it, consistently, every moment, make that decision to not give yourself into the same images and so 'addiction' created to masturbation through it and stand up from it as many times as it will be required - that's what is a process, that's what takes time, because you cannot just change yourself with one time you decide to not do it.

And that's how many times the word or idea of 'process' becomes tainted with this 'very long someday down the line' moment where you can in fact change, when in fact it's all here, you are the only one you've been waiting for and prolonging this point of change is entirely up to you - because physically there's nothing that is preventing you from making that decision to in fact stand up, walk things fully through - no half-assed ways - and start really living that respect that you express you'd like to live as yourself.

There's some great support to open your eyes to this in this audio here: Bruce Lee on Becoming Idle for our Idols - The Future of Awareness - Part 90 where it's not only about letting go of heroes or role models, but also what it means to decide to change, to live change even more so when having been writing self forgiveness for so many years, without actual physical change. Very recommendable for you, so check it out if you can.



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 12 Aug 2017, 01:11

marlen, maybe trying to stop completely looking at picture images and masturbating to them and taking drugs to masturbate is too drastic of a change to do it all at once suddenly. sometimes somethings are simply impossible. for example, years ago desteni put out a video where it was said that one could set oneself free of the mind if one just breathe (that 4 count breathing) with awareness for 21 days. then later on desteni put out another video where it was said that to sudenly try to breathe for 21 days with awareness is actually impossible and one should for now start off by just being aware of one's breathing every now and then when one remembers. so there's an example that sometimes some things/points are so extensive that it is simply impossible to stop them all at once. what i said in my last post is that for now what i will do to support/assist myself in relation to the point of my extenisve masturbation to picture images drugs addiction is to not only live to just do that (masturbate to picture images on drugs). because for years, marlen, my life/my time has just been about that (masturbating to picture images on drugs); thus i have been extreemly disfunctional in society/the world money system because i cant have a job or write or read or fuckin do anything else but try to masturbate to picture images on drugs all the fuckin time. so for now i want to just make the effort to not just do that, but to make some space/time every day to also write, do sf, read and maybe other stuff too. but i will still allow myself to in my free time that i have left - masturbate to picture images on drugs. i think that is the best way i can approach this point. ...... and also, as andrea suggested, i am stopping self-judgmental thoughts unconditionally when they come up, even if it seems that i deserve them. i've also, in the past like 2 weeks, have been doing some field-work (as a job). not ever day, but like once a week. and i'm also walking heavensjourneytolife; i mean i read the sf outloud and say the commitments outloud. and i also read everyday; i'm currently reading a book of psychology. and sometimes i draw to express how i feel. and i breathe with awareness a lot more now in the past like month or 2.

day 8
today i decided to shave my mustash/beard. first i shaved the mustash. then after i shaved the mustash i looked in the mirror and i thought i looked very handsome like that (leaving the beard). so i decided to leave the beard, because to an extent it makes me feel good thinking and even seeing that girls look at me a lot. so then, i was still in the restroom and i decided to masturbate to picture images, so i did. then after that, i looked at myself in the mirror again and this time i thought that maybe i don't look so good with just the beard, so maybe i should shave it off. so i reacted. i judged my previous decision to leave my beard. then i applied sf on the point and i decided to just leave it that way, because i thought it actually doesnt look bad, so maybe it's alright. so i left it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i had previously accepted and allowed myself to leave m beard and not shaved it from the starting point that i think i look good that way and it makes me feel good thinking that i look good and that girls think i'm handsome and i get their attention.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my desicion to deliberately leave the beard from the starting point of looking handsome and getting attention.
i forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes and learning from them.
i forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a saint and not commit any mistakes in any way.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself as i judge myself for being hiram and for the life i have accepted and allowed myself to live.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because i am not perfect and i have karma.
i forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a sucker and a worthless piece of shit that doesnt deserve to live or exist because i'm a stupid hypocrite.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mindfucking myself.
i forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to fear lookin bad.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking good.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling good because girls look at me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling bad because girls look at me.

so, i'm just gona leave the mustash for now, and i guess i'm going to to an extent keep liking when girls look at me. and sometimes i wont like it because i'll be a bit paranoid of them judging me or of them being disapointed in me in some way - because of my thoughts that they probably initially liked me in the first moments they saw me but then they kept looking at me and thought that i dont look as good as they thought i did initially. i commit myself to when i see self-judgmental thoughts come up to unconditionally stop them.



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 15 Aug 2017, 04:30

i'm not doing this because i like it. i'm doing this because i've been warned that the concequences for dying as an ego are extensive. and i'm not down with that shit. the afterlife for beings who die as minds is fuckin fucked up.

i'm not gona write about a point that is predominant in my life because it's extensive and i cant make any promises as commitments.

so, .. today i decided i was gona take pills and masturbate to picture images (i quit for a day but then i just gave up) and i was busy in the computer looking for pictures that i could use (that i like),and i was in a rush. and i was scared and felt very uncomfortable because i was in the library using public computers and people just kept walking passed and i felt kind of pissed off, because i was thinking that they will judge me if they see what i'm looking at. and i started imagining others looking at me and me being like "what, bitch". and since that is of a mind fucking nature:

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to react in my mind with fear when i was at the library looking at pictures of girls' asses on the computer.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get stressed out when i was looking at pictures in the computer.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing what i was doing in the computer which was looking at pictures of girls' asses and porn. i feared them seeing, but why?
because i feared them telling the library staff "there's a guy looking at porn over there" and then the library staff telling me "you cant do that here"....but i also just fuckin fear the shame i'll feel when other people see i'm looking at pictures of girls' asses.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen or judged as a pervert with a sick mind or even a sexual predator, and that people will try to stay away from me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people will not want to touch me.

i commit myself to next time i find myself in that situation to calm down and stop the paranoid thoughts that come up in my mind, instead of going into them and feeding them.



Marlen
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Re: hiram hernandez' new journey to life

Postby Marlen » 17 Aug 2017, 19:46

So, what about seeing that the judgment comes from you and seeing what is behind that judgment, is it because what you are doing is supportive or not supportive? Are you using 'self-forgiveness' to justify your reactions to doing something that you've been giving up on actually walking through and letting go of?

What would be the next step in letting go of such judgments and reactions to whatever you believe other people are judging about you in those moments, where are you in that equation, what is it really about what you are doing that you would have to look at and really push through to change?

You know it, it won't be 'easy' and that's why giving up on 'one day' is indicating there's no understanding of the actual process, dedication, physical 'training' it takes, just like developing muscles = it's not a one day thing, this process works exactly the same way, there's work, dedication, will, perseverance, trial and error to not give up on but to continue pushing through it - same with what you are facing and believing you 'need' to live... you determine your conditions but here definitely to clarify for anyone reading how this is a way to use self-forgiveness and leaving things 'half way' because what comes after that is actually getting to see why you are still looking for pictures instead of focusing on actually creating your life in a way where you can stop depending on drugs and all kinds of fixes to LIVE you, not react to all kinds of triggers you've conditioned yourself to respond to now.

So, if you fear consequences, that's what you create and live: fear, and that's what comes through in the starting point of your actions. So, I'd rather ask, what are you really afraid of, Hiram? Are you afraid to actually take responsibility for your life? To actually get out of a mindset of being incapable of creating you in a way that stops running and hiding form reality?

Those are some points I'd look at in your position and get real with yourself.




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