writing myself to freedom

User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 08 Sep 2017, 04:52

ISOLATION

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from the starting point of fear as paranoia.(to be continued)



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 10 Sep 2017, 19:25

Sunday 9-10-17

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotional. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve to feel emotional in essence not understanding/seeing that emotions are a system that is not real. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - when I forgive myself for experiencing and holding onto an emotion and the release it - to then say "okay, now I can do drugs and masturbate to picture images because there's no emotions getting in my way anymore" and then just allow it - even though that means I am still enslaved to systems. If it's true that I am trying to feel positive with my addiction because I already feel negative underneath that in the first place - then that wold mean that when I release superficial negative emotions to comfortably indulge in my addictions positivity - that I released those emotions from the starting point of accepting and allowing myself to continue being enslaved to the deeper emotional layers because I'm not doing anything about them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing the deeper emotional/negative system layers inside me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the deeper emotional layers inside me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear releasing and ceasing to be enslaved to the deeper emotional layers inside me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist admitting that I am addicted to picture images and drugs because I am addicted to positive feelings. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist admitting and seeing,realizing, and understanding that I am addicted to picture images and drugs and therefore addicted to positive feeling because I fear getting to emptiness; the emptiness that is who/what I really am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing and sorting out the deeper layers of anxiety inside of me. I commit myself to walking a process of deconstructing the system of 'picture images and drugs addiction' that I've accepted and allowed myself to become enslaved to. (to be continued)



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 11 Sep 2017, 04:36

9-10-17

USELESSNESS OR EMPOWERMENT?

Continuing from the point I wrote about in the previous post, which is my addiction to picture images and drugs and how I'm not allowing myself to face my deeper emotional layers by accepting and allowing myself to indulge in my addiction which is an addiction to positive feelings, which, when more superficial (I guess I can use that word - 'superficial') emotional reactions get in the way of me experiencing the positivity of my addiction, i release those emotions but then proceed to fuck myself with the positive feelings addiction. Who would I be in relation to this point if I was empowered? I resist that question. Because I don't want to be empowered in relation to that addiction point. But this process is from a certain perspective me standing equal and one with my ego and committing suicide, meaning killing myself as the ego, killing the ego. If I was empowered/more-empowered within this point I would be less lazy and I would allow myself to stop doing drugs and masturbating to picture images so that I can get to experience the more deeper emotional/negative layers inside me, which, now that I look back at when I've tried to stop my participation in masturbating to picture images and doing drugs, I start to experience negative emotions, such as for example - 'sadness', and I give up. Well, I consider aright now that it's a cool thing to get to those deeper negative emotional layers inside me such as for example that emotion of sadness I experience, but, when I get there, if I don't do something about it, meaning, if I don't redefine that part of me, then I am disempowering myself by allowing that part of me (the 'sadness') to have the power inside of me to react and to suppress. I guess I can say that that 'sadness' for example, is like a wall through which by not redefining it and growing from it - I am limiting myself to expand and grow as a being. So, if I was empowered within this point of the deeper negative emotional layer inside me, I would open up the emotion an the thoughts that come up with the emotion. Then I would apply self forgiveness for whatever came up. An I could even take it further and look at my memories to see where I can see that emotion an I would open up the momory and apply self forgiveness for/on it. And by doing these things, I would release that emotion, and so I would stop experiencing it, an I would grow/expand myself. Then I would take the next emotion, and then the next and the next, until there was none and I was here as emptiness, stable, no reactions. Obviously, at least obviously for me, I have to use my time to walk my process. So, I think I can say that I know what to do now. So now I just have to do it. And if I am reacting towards doing it, then if I was empowered I would do self forgiveness on those resistances. (to be continued)



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 12 Sep 2017, 00:41

9-11-17

When I was in middle school, I was about 13 or 14 years old, and in those times I was made fun of a lot. I remember sometimes I would listen to heavy metalish music before going to school to like pump myself up, because I was going to go somewhere where I was going to suffer. So it was like preparing myself to go into battle. There was this one kid in particular, his name was Jacob. He made fun of me a lot every day for months. The kids would laugh along but I felt so bad.... meaning, emotional. I experienced extensive fear and anger. I was scared of other kids; I didn't see myself as equal to them. I was less-than. I remember I really just wanted that kid Jacob to stop making fun of me. I think I could say that I would of easily forgiven him but I just wanted him to stop. Jacob and his friends would come up with songs about me, and they would make up names for me, and they would say that I was a Scotsman with a skirt and a bagpipe. Many times it was difficult for me to hold in my tears, but I never cried. I never allowed that crying expression to come out of me. I felt like their toy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience energetic emotional reactions when other kids would make fun of me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that all that anger and fear I was experiencing was coming from me and the others were just mirrors showing me myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility in those moments and stand up for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was less-than the others and thus not worthy of the enjoyment and empowerment and respect the others had. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that everyone would reject me, and so I would in fear try to fit in the best I could. I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to tell the teachers what was going on, that others were making fun of me and that they wouldn't stop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended when the other kids would make fun of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my identity and thus I would fight to protect it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally with anger and fear in relation to the other kids making fun of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in reacting emotionally with anger and fear, that I have to be part of this way of co-existing and that I have to defend my vulnerability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself and lose touch with myself by focusing on others instead of focusing on myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone is like that, in otherwords that everyone is going to make fun of me and judge me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not equal to other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was less than those kids who were confident and not made fun of. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others would make fun of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will make fun of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to how others would behave towards me. I forgive myself for going along with the other kids' games and when I had the opportunity to be part of the group of people that is making fun of another kid I would do it.

I commit myself to walk a process of discharging my memories by writing about them and then doing self forgiveness for them.



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 13 Sep 2017, 06:45

I commit myself to stop watching porn. I commit myself to stop checking out girls when I see them. I commit myself to stop taking cough and cold pills as drugs. I commit myself to walking a process of starting to see, realize, and understand what sex really is without picture images and drugs.



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 13 Sep 2017, 22:48

Wednesday 9-13-17

Letting Go of Fear

Today I came across a lady called Angela, who I met like 5 or 6 years ago. When I met her back then she was very friendly and nice towards me. She liked me, she liked the way I was; and she had a small child that was her son and I was friendly towards him and so he liked me too, and she liked that. Back then it seemed to me she would give me signals/signs that she was attracted to me and that she would like us to have sex. She said we could hook up. I didn't go along with her proposal back then. But today I saw her and initially I was just going to ask her about the job both of us used to work at back then. But then as I saw her I decided that I feel sexually attracted to her enough to be willing to have sex with her.

So when I saw her I greeted her and she was friendly and open towards me. I asked her about our old job, and then she asked me how I've been, and after that I just asked her for her phone number, and without hesitating she gave me her number. I'd like to get in touch with her and find out if she's single right now and if she still would like to fuck. Interestingly a very like sharp fear comes/came up within me as I was thinking about us having sex. I define this fear as: I fear getting rejected; I fear making a mistake. But as overwhelming and consuming as this fear feels - it is bullshit. So it's best for all that I don't let this overwhelming emotional experience of fear energy control me/ direct me/ limit me/ enslave me. It's just an energy system; it's not real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a mistake. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the fear of making a mistake as in Angela rejecting me - control/direct me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take risks out of fear of making a mistake. I realize that if I do make a mistake - I'm still here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed as I experience the fear energy as fear of things "going wrong". I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being overwhelmed with fear of making a mistake as "things going wrong". I realize that what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger and I will learn and grow/expand my reality/myself from it.

I commit myself to walk a process of letting go of fear so I can redefine myself/ my-life and expand/grow as a being and to realize that there's more to life/myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to conceive/believe/imagine there is within the limitation/enslavement of fear of making a mistake. I realize I can redefine myself and re-create myself. When and as I see myself experiencing fear of making a mistake with Angela and getting overwhelmed, I stop, I breathe, I realize fear is bullshit and I don't have to allow it, and so I don't allow the experience of overwhelming fear stop me from doing what is best for all.

When and as I see myself imagining the future in relation to me and Angela having sex, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's okay to prepare myself for the future but it is not necessary for me to imagine it as if I'm already living it, and it just seems to sabotage me when I start imagining this future because I feel/see fear/panic energy starts getting charged. So I commit myself to walk a process of bringing myself back here where I live.



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 13 Sep 2017, 22:51

Wednesday 9-13-17

I commit myself to walk a process wherein I stop playing games with myself and my mind, and I use my time to get my shit together and become/express/live my full potential - which for some time now I've seen that it's there, but I haven't dared to walk it/ embrace it/ become it/ be it.



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 18 Sep 2017, 19:57

9-18-17

The Fear Tree

I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear dying; that I fear dying because I fear ceasing to exist and I also fear having to walk the process of experiencing all of humanity's accepted and allowed pain for billions of years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, see, and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear as "I fear dying". Because I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved to 'fear's roots and I have accepted and allowed myself feed and grow my fear tree with and at the price of myself as my life substance and manifest a branch in my fear tree as the word 'dying', with the word 'dying' as a branch of the system of fear energy as the 'fear tree'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as me accepting and allowing myself to create fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself as fear and/as the experience of fear, as I am overwhelmed within fear.

I commit myself to walk a process of investigating what is the system of fear and how it functions.



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 19 Sep 2017, 19:40

......I feared a being would be like stocking me trying to sabotage me. But today I have come to the conclusion that this being has just been trying to help me. But I judged her way of helping me; I judged her as evil. She just gave me back my evil really. Like a mirror. This being just isn't gona take my bullshit. and only respects those who respect her. so if I'm going on to message this being she just accepts it but she gives me my karma back. I just need to get my shit together and stop accepting and allowing myself to waste and throw away and abuse opportunities to make a change in myself. and have the guts to investigate why is it that I fear being overwhelmed with negative emotions. I have a lot of automatic resistance towards that. because it's so easy and enjoyable and desirable and addictive and therefore obsessive to go masturbate to porn in my mind while on drugs, but what does it take for me to stop? how much more must I suffer and keep creating consequences that I'm not going to like and enjoy in the future and hereafter? what do I need to do? I need to learn. I need to learn how I've created all of these problems for me in my life. I'd say the more I learn, the more possibilities I have of changing. and that's really it. So I would appreciate a dip sponsorship, but I also know that life is not only about me. there are other people that also need help and what is best in that equation is what Desteni is busy doing. So I understand, that if I don't get the support I need it's because other people need support too, and they are equal to me in value of life, so therefore It's up to me to decide how long and how much time I'm going to waste, and how much time I'm going to invest in supporting myself. that's really it. It's not about fighting my self maybe but it's more about just realizing that what I'm doing is not supportive and that I will regret it. so then this leads me to address my emotional reactions which I give in to. How do I deal with them, and what do they mean? So I'd say it have to investigate this and be specific enough to find and realize and understand the problemy the information that is being shared in those interviews. I didin't really do that to the fullest of my capacity the previous times I listened to that interview series. If i can have the series for free, as it used to be, then that's cool, but otherwise it and the solution. I need to learn about the mind, and therefore again I'd appreciate a dip sponsorship, so that I can finally just name the game, meaning, come to terms with what is happening. that's all i really see right now, and it makes sense. so then, where do I start right now? well there's the masturbation interview series in eqafe which I think it makes sense that it would support me to go over those interviews again, but this time I have to move myself to practically appl's not that expensive and I know I can go and get the money I need for me to buy it right now.

and i have yet another problem in my life right now. that about 2 weeks ago I fuckin caught a felony, and I had court today for another misdemeanor which is that I didin't show up to 'Jury Duty', but I didin't go and I didin't even take the time to investigate how this legal system functions, meaning, I don't know if I can be arrested at that court for a misdemeanor and then once in jail - have to be in there for the other charge I just got(the felony I just mentioned). But besides that, I didin't take the time to determine and decide what approach was best for this situation, because I was busy masturbating to picture images in my mind while on drugs, and I just ignored it. If I don't start focusing and directing my situation here - but instead keep masturbating to porn on drugs, I could be arrested for not showing up to the jury duty court issue and then once I'm in jail I might be detained there and convicted with the other felony charge and i would have to go to prison for a year or 2, and I think if I go to prison I'm going to get killed in there.

....I am very bipolar.



User avatar
Daniel Martinez
Posts: 35
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 19 Sep 2017, 20:23

i can go get money for the shocking secrets of masturbation series but .... I will do it. I commit myself to dedicate today, which is my probably last day not being a fugitive, to go get money to buy the shocking secrets of masturbation series and as well as it is suggested in the introduction interview of the masturbation series, which I am listening to right now, the what is sex series, which I have actually not listened to yet. So, after writing this and maybe finish listening to the shocking secrets of masturbation free introduction interview, I will go and panhandle some money and come back to the library and buy some of the shocking secrets of masturbation interview series interviews and some of the what is sex series. how much will i buy? I can buy 3 of each for now. or maybe more. there is some new interviews in the masturbation series that I hadnt seen before. so i am writing this here right now so I can have an actual like official script of what i'm going to do right now and not just leave it in my mind or to my isolated self. and to add, i expect that since i'm bipolar because i do drugs and i'm on drugs right now, i will react to and regret and judge what i have written here today. but i adressed this point earlier outloud by myself earlier today, and i came to the conclusion of that - yes i am probably in fact mindfucked right now because i'm under the influence of a drug, but when i sobber up - to judge my writing of when i was on drugs is also a mindfuck. because what i have said here as the practical steps i'll walk to assist and support myself with my addiction problem which has compounded and it's consequences have become worse, as i've explained, makes sense to me. to regret and judge myself and be against what i'm saying right now that i'm on drugs when i'm sober is to mindfuck myself in a polarity. thats what i see. and it sucks that i have allowed myself to experience superconsciousness, which it seems to me is what i access when i'm under the influence of this particular drug (cough n cold pills for people with high blood pressure), and also when under the influence of other drugs such as 'spice'. and to add for the record here, i'm showing myself and to anyone who reads this that - a drug addiction such as mine really mindfucks one's mind extensively, such as this bipolar/paranoia disorder i developed by using these drugs all the time. and i commit myself to just masturbate myself with the physical today and to not take any more drugs today. and i'm ashamed to write this here, but it seems supportive because i'm not isolating myself to an extent by letting you all know what is happening in my life, and that i do assist and support myself to an extent, but i just need to keep pushing through.




Return to “Writing Yourself to Freedom”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Danielle and 1 guest

cron