writing myself to freedom

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 10 Oct 2017, 02:59

Fri 10-6-17

So I've given into doing drugs and masturbation most likely to picture images, but I can't allow myself to fight myself as in judge myself. I can only stand here with me and accept that it's too late this time, well, it seems like it. So I will just not judge myself and breathe and stop the thoughts of self judgment. I'm not going to fight it. Maybe I wasn't ready to stop. When will I be ready to stop? The possibility that has been coming up that I have been remembering constantly lately as the solution is to discharge the energy that is controlling me.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 10 Oct 2017, 03:27

Sunday 10-8-17

So now I'll continue with writing about a memory in relation to fear reactions.

I remember when I was a small boy, between the ages of like ....starting at about 8 years of age and still presistent up to this day - when I was at home I'd be comfortable and move with ease around the house, trusting the home enviorment. But when I would go to someone else's house, be it a friends house or a house that i'd go with my mom to, I would feel scared and very uncomfortable. I would feel/be scared of moving - espesially in the presence of adults. I was scared of others laughing at me and also of doing something wrong that in the eyes of others especially adults I wasn't supposed to do. So I wouold feel somewhat paralized. Also when I would spend the night at a friend's house I would feel uncomfortable. And it sucked when I would wake up the next day in the morning and my friend would still be asleep, because I would just be there waiting for him to finally wake up cuz I felt uncomfortable to do anything. If I remember correctly I would even experience fear and feel uncomfortable about going to the restroom.

The particular experience I had in mind to write about now was this one time when I was a little boy about the age of 12-13 years old. I had gone with my mom to some family member's house, I think it was a family reunion that was taking place. For some reason, I think I either felt sick or sleepy and so I was token to a bedroom and told to go ahead and sleep there. So I was there alone and eventually I woke up. I woke up and I started feeling anxious and frustrated of just being inside that room doing nothing but just waiting but I was scared of coming out of the room and have all these people that were in the house along with my mother notice me. So I felt like an isolated person afraid to come out of their shell. I remember I was in the room wanting to step outside but then as I heard the people talking - that triggered my fear. I guess I felt insecure and I feared that they would laugh at me, or I felt being inferior to them. I think I feared feeling like a fool. I don't remember when I finally left the room. I will continue with the sf in the next post.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 10 Oct 2017, 19:08

Monday 10-9-17

Before I took the drugs to enhance my masturbation I wasn't nesseserily craving specifically to be sexual and masturbate. But I wanted a 'good time', I wanted to be comfortable and just be able to be me/myself completely. And I guess I wanted to escape my reality / my mind, the negative emotions that I was experiencing such as fear, anger, guilt, shame and maybe even just a little bit of sadness.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 12 Oct 2017, 22:28

10-12-17

I saw a gore video where some men are killing a guy in a slow but very painful and bloody way and it just "killed my trip". Because how can I just ignore that shit if who I really am is equal and one with/as all? It would be nice to have some fun as life but first war has to stop. And fuck feelings. If war didn't exist would we really try to want to be happy as 'positive energy'? "Love" is insane. ....So, how does one make 'facing war' one's passion / what one really feels like doing? Well, I'd say one must stop desiring that fake evil twisted ironic happiness for one to be free to experience one's will to face the truth as the gore of war/ the mess. But as long as I accept and allow myself to be addicted to positive energy to suppress the negative energy I will remain asleep only to eventually inevitably wake up and experience the pain that I have accepted and allowed to be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore war and pain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the war and the gore that is going on in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for accepting and allowing myself to just wait and not do anything to really change this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste my time in this existence in this world in my life by/as trying to fulfill my desire to be addicted to positive energy experiences to suppress the negative energy experiences which are the truth of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become/experience/create.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, which means that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself in moments, which means that I have accepted and allowed myself to not exist in moments.

I commit myself to creating self-trust in/as myself/my-life by accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself in those moments where I see/know that I am lying to myself / not being honest with myself. When and as I see myself starting to accept and allow myself to be dishonest with myself instead of being real with myself and acting in common sense, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can be honest with myself because that is the only way I can exist and stand up. And within this I commit myself to when and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to abdicate what appears to be the self-honest decision of/as what is best in that given moment, I stop, I breathe, and I realize that instead of reacting to that by judging myself I can remain with/as myself in/as self-honesty by not judging what is happening as thinking/believing that I know it all, and thus I can never blame myself as judging myself for what I have accepted and allowed; all that really exists and all I can really ever do is support myself and walk with myself to realize, see, and understand what is best for myself; anything else isin't really happening. I commit myself to see,realize,understand when and as I see my self not standing within/as the realization that all that can ever really exist is me in/as self-support, I stop, I breathe, I realize that anything/everything else but that (self-support) is not really actually happening, I am just hallusinating and the inevitability for that to exist doesn't exist.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 14 Oct 2017, 12:50

Saying that I have nothing to do or I know what to do and using that as a justification to instigate falling into doing drugs and/or masturbating to picture images is not valid because I can always benefit from learning more.

I just realized that it is in fact best for all for me to disactivate and turn-off/shut-down the energetic reaction experience of fear as fear enery. This is so because the negative emotionally charged energy of fear, and guilt, shame, anger, remorse, regret, self-judgment seems to actually cause harm to my physical human body health/well-beingness; and it instigates self-disempowerement with thoughts/ideas/memories which charge the mind-energy.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 14 Oct 2017, 22:29

Saturday 10-14-17

I am going to be writing sf on 'paranoia'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to paranoia.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, understand that paranoia is in essence of the nature of the mind-consciousness-system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing paranoia to control and determine me as I give in to the paranoid fear and thoughts, instead of seeing, realizing, understanding that life doesn't exist as paranoia; and paranoia is just another way of self-sabotaging myself, and that is in fact not necessary.
Thus I commit myself to assist and support myself by - when and as I see myself going into the energetically reactive experience of paranoia as paranoid thoughts, I stop, I breathe, I realize that my paranoia doesn't really in fact exist; it is just the mind trying to survive. So, I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk a process wherein I stop accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in 'paranoia' by stopping my participation in the thoughts of paranoia.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate/create paranoia as self-sabotage.
I realize that if I judge myself in any way whatsoever = I've already accepted and allowed myself to give into/create 'paranoia'.
When and as I see myself judging myself in any way whatsoever, I stop, I breathe, I realize that 'self-judgment' is 'paranoia' because it is only a creation of the mind which is not in fact real as life/eternity/infinity/equality and oneness as who I really am.
I commit myself to walking a process wherein I stop all paranoia as any self-judgment whatsoever - by/through stopping the self-judgmental/paranoia thoughts.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 17 Oct 2017, 11:16

Tuesday 10-17-17

I am catching up on a previous post i wrote about a particular memory when I was younger. Its the post with the date 10-8-17 ;)

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide in fear in that house where I was in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is nothing worth hiding really.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create that unessesary fear and paranoia , instead of allowing myself to show myself to the rest of the people/world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe automatically that everyone hates me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to acumulate and acumulate more and more fear as paranoia energy throughout my life in the belief that everyone hates me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I realize I have a relationship with myself, and how i treat myself is how i will treat others. This means that if i've isolated myself and hid from others in fear/paranoia = ive actually been hiding from myself, instead of letting myself meet myself lol.

I commit myself to walk a process of learning to care and apreciate and love and respect myself. When and as I see myself wanting to unesesrily isolate myself, i stop, i breathe, i check to see if - fdo i feel that everyone else hates me? do i hate myself right now? and i realize that i cant expect myself to have relationships with other people if i have not accepted my relationship with nmyself.




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