writing myself to freedom

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Daniel Martinez
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Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 22 Aug 2017, 19:52

Today I went to a store where I have often been going for some years now and the girl who charged me at the register is a girl that I know and she has sometimes tried to be friendly to me. but this time she wasn't friendly. She wasn't mean either. But she didn't show an interest in talking to me. So I reacted with thoughts as "why is she being a bitch to me? She must not like me at the moment. She probably thinks I'm lame."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that she doesn't like me right now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that she doesn't like me because she seemed disinterested in me when she charged me at the register. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the girl because I did not like that she looked disinterested in me when she charged me at the register. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her because she wasn't friendly towards me and she didn't try to start a conversation with me as she has many times before. Many times she has tried to be friendly to me and start a conversation with me, but usually I act disinterested in her. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended that she didn't look interested in me and was friendly to me and smiled at me and tried to start a conversation with me as she has many times before. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that she was thinking of me as and judging me as a lame person, and that she was thus not interested in me this time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind into where it was taking me as I reacted, into thoughts and beliefs that she doesn't like me anymore and that she is judging me at the moment and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insulted.

When and as I see her not acting interested in me and being friendly with a smile and trying to start a conversation with me and I start having thoughts that she is judging me at the moment, I stop, I breathe, I realize that she could simply be more focused on something else, because after all, it is really unacceptable that I desire to see a girl who I don't even act interested in to always act interested in me trying to start a conversation with me and well, me pretty much desiring that she worships me. I realize she has a life and so she could at the moment be focused and interested in her life and whatever is going on within it. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to follow my mind as it comes up with thoughts and reaction in relation to others not acting very interested in me and trying to talk to me; to stop accepting and allowing myself to follow and believe my mind - that they must not like me; they must be judging me.



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Leila
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Leila » 23 Aug 2017, 19:01

Hey Daniel and welcome to the forum!

In terms of your writing, here you can also go deeper into 'why do I want someone to worship me?'



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 24 Aug 2017, 01:30

Leila, I don't know why I want this girl to worship me. Maybe i don't even really want her to worship me, but instead, in that moment I wanted her attention. Lately I've been wanting to be more social, and I've been having thoughts about wanting a girlfriend. But, I don't know how to get one, or, I'm scared of even trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the girl at the store to worship me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to worship me. If others worshiped me I would feel safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire others to worship me so that I feel safe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire others to worship me so that I feel better. If I want to feel better, then that might imply that at the moment I currently feel like shit. I do feel like shit. Why? Because life sucks. Why? Because I'm scared. Why? Because I think I'm incompetent. Why? In what? I want others to accept me. But even more than that, I don't want to die. I'm ill and I don't know yet if I will manage to survive or not. I don't know yet how I'm going to deal with my illness. I can just live one moment at a time and moment by moment figure out solutions for that moment. And I'm depressed. I say I'm depressed because I don't see the point in living life. But then again, I feel and see myself as incompetent to create a life I would like. I want to be complete; self-fulfilled. I don't like where my life is at right now. But things could be different, because they once were different. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and see myself as incompetent in my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that there is no point in me living my life, because there's nothing really to do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that there is no point in living my life because there is nothing to really do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that there is nothing really for me to do in my life, when there is actually a lot to do, so much to do, but I'm scared. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to find solutions to the problems that I have in my life. What are my problems? ...... Accepting and allowing myself to find solutions to the problems that I have in my life is good because I get them over with. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get my problems over with by accepting and allowing myself to find solutions to my problems, the problems that i have in my life. (to be continued)



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 24 Aug 2017, 20:21

(continuation) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving - to figure out solutions to my problems, the problems that I have in my life. What are my problems? There was the money problem, but I have found a temporary solution for that. There's the problem of my illness. That is something that I will moment by moment walk as I find solutions for the moment. There's other problems, but I don't want to mention them here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear committing myself to finding and applying solutions to the problems that I have in my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear committing myself to find and apply PRACTICAL solutions to the problems that I have in my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dedicating my time to carry out my self-commitment of finding and practically applying solutions to the problems I have in my life.

I commit myself to walk a process of learning to dedicate my time or at least some time to practically living my self-commitment of finding and applying practical solution to the problems that i have in my life.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 25 Aug 2017, 20:08

For a few hours I allowed myself to talk to my imagination, pretending that I'm talking to some girls that I know from a store. One of those girls is the girl I mentioned in the 2 posts before my last post. I was "talking to these girls" trying to flatter myself with what I was telling them. What I realize is that in essence I am suppressing my reality and it's consequences by accepting and allowing myself to min-fuck myself by trying to indulge in an illusion's lie - the illusion of me "talking to these 2 girls" and having them admire me. What is really happening is not the lie I try to believe and perceive. I'm not really even talking to these girls. I'm talking to a mind-consciousness-system to feed it energy. I mind-fuck myself in many specific ways but this is one of them. One point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to my mind to feed it energy - pretending, believing, and perceiving that I am talking to 2 girls showing them how wonderful I am. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself in seeing what I try to believe that i'm doing simply for what it is - that I am talking to my mind to feed it energy, and in that I'm suppressing my reality and it's consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak to my mind-consciousness-system to feed it energy while believing that I am talking to 2 girls - to suppress my reality and it's consequences - to not accept and allow myself to LIVE. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to commit myself to walk a process wherein i stop accepting and allowing myself to talk to my mind consciousness system to feed it energy while i pretend that I am talking to others.

I commit myself to walk a process of - when and as I see myself talking to my mind-consciousness-system to feed it energy while pretending I am talking to others, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am talking to my mind-consciousness-system to feed it energy and that in that I am suppressing my reality and it's consequences and I am in that not accepting and allowing myself to LIVE. I commit myself to walk this process no matter how long it takes, and I commit myself to walk a process wherein I stop accepting and allowing myself to judge myself if I fall and accept and allow myself to talk to my mind to feed it energy while pretending I am talking to others. I commit myself to walking this process no matter how long it takes.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 28 Aug 2017, 19:02

Saturday 8-26-17
I experience judgment and anger as I judge the soccer players in this public park where I'm at and I judge their families. But it's happening in my head. I judge them thinking "They are your typical ignorant stupid-ass fuckin idiots who listen to reggaeton and buy their 30-packs of Bud Light every weekend and who's wives are these retarded bitches that are fuckin hoes. They're the type of people that judge people like me who don't have a lot of money and they laugh at people like me because I don't have as much money as they do and because I don't have an expensive car and if their kids come close to me they tell them "Hey come over here! Don't get close to that man. He's crazy and he'll kidnap you and rape you and then kill you." "

So I've judged these people as I fear they'll judge me. I guess because if they judge me that'll bruise my ego. So I want to beat them - and thus I judge them. I think that they think and believe that they are worth more than me and that they are superior to me and better. But maybe I think and believe this because I think I'm worth more and superior and better than them, which I do. But why do I believe this? Well, a part of me is saying "of course I'm not worth more and superior and better than them, we are all equal - that is what is good, but believing I'm more than them is bad." But I do think I know far more than they do, and I probably do stand a better chance at making it into life than they do. But an interesting point is that I envy them because they have good looking sexy wives that they probably fuck every day. And I guess I also envy that they start families with their wives, and that they seem to be together and be more social. In other words I envy that they share themselves as their lives with each other; and I'm not only talking about them and their wives, but also them and their friends. Me, I spend almost all my time and life alone, and I'm scared of being completely united with other people. Fuck, I've been alone for many years and so it feels normal for me to be like introverted or reticent and to not be social and not have a sociable expression that I share with other humans. But that's not acceptable at least to an extent. Because to be paranoid and isolated is not acceptable. Fear is not acceptable. The 'isolation-system' is not acceptable. I often have thoughts that other people don't want me to be their friend. And as true as that may seem to be in my head - its probably not true. It's probably not how many other humans see me. .... I fear getting rejected, and so I mainly only don't fear socializing with animals. Interestingly, for many humans, when they socialize they probably just mind-fuck themselves, and I don't really need to do the same thing. But regardless of that, if I'm isolating myself from the starting point of paranoia and fear - it is unacceptable; It is a heavy mind-fuck.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 28 Aug 2017, 19:18

Sunday 8-27-17
Today I met a guy who is part of a crew. He said his crew is a serious thing - that you have to show some kind of like proof that you've been through enough to be part of that crew. And to be part of that crew means there are certain principles that you have to stand as. If you are in this crew and you dishonor these principles you can even be killed by the other members of the crew. This reminded me of Desteni. I'd say one can say that Desteni is a very serious crew; The crew of 'Life'. The commitment to this crew is not something to be take lightly. Desteni is the ultimate crew and the final one. If one does not prove that one is trust-worthy then one will be eradicated as an abuser. In other words - one will be killed by life in the afterlife. It's been said "Understand that when you get to the afterlife there is not mercy", one will be killed in the afterlife and eternally cease to exist. If i recall correctly, most of the beings that were in the afterlife have ceased to exist. One cannot fuck over Desteni; One cannot betray Desteni and get away with it.

What seems to have motivated me to write this post is that it's cool that there are being in crews that stand by and for their crew to the death. They truly commit themselves. It's something that is meaningful. Their commitments are not something they take lightly or something they're willing to give up on. I'm talking about crews who's principles are their honor. This is what it means to be trust-worthy. To be a Destonian means that one proves that one is able to be trusted with life. Only those who prove that they can be trusted with life will have life; the rest will not exist. This is not something moral. Judgement is not necessary. Judgment will not exist. ... Desteni is the most ultimate and absolute commitment, where one eventually will get to a stage where one will GIVE IT ALL to all as one as life as equality and oneness. One WILL give up this one life-time in service to life.

Obviously one can't GIVE IT ALL if one holds on to an addiction. Bernard said "Understand this is the greatest effort you will ever make ever".



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 01 Sep 2017, 04:11

Wednesday 8-30-17

There's this like stand where these people sell foot-long hot dogs every night. They give me free hot dogs. Often I stop by and get a free hot dog. I pass by that hot dog stand pretty much every night because it's in the way of where i walk to every night. Today i bought my own food at a food market, so I wasn't interested in stopping by for a free foot-long hot dog. So, usually I go there to get a free hot dog and when I get there there people selling the hot dogs greet me and we'll have a small conversation. But today I just walked passed and decided to not even look at them as I passed and not even say "Hi" and wave at them. I felt uncomfortable, and I had these like kind of subtle and automatic thoughts of "What if they react negatively and they think that it's mean or that I'm like betraying them? What if they dislike me?" And so, I reacted within fear. I also seemed to have judged them, somehow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with and experience fear when I walked passed the hot dog place and didn't even turn to meet looks with them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and react with fear when I was gona pass and as I was passing by the got dog place as I had thoughts of "What if they believe that I'm betraying them?" I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not kissing the people in the hot dog place's ass as I have done before by trying to have them like me or be "nice" to me as I smile at them and respond their questions in a sympathetic or friendly mood. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my thoughts and then react with fear to those thoughts.

When and as I pass by the hot dog place and don't even stop to say "Hi" and don't even turn to look at them and I experience fear as the automatic thoughts come up in my head that they're gona probably think and even say among themselves that I'm betraying them, I stop, I breathe, I realize that as far as the paranoid energetic and though reactions such as this one - it's a point and energy that has been accumulating for many years and it is being charged by the accumulated energy in my memories plus my participation in that point as in not stopping my thoughts. Thus for now I commit myself to when I experience this point - to stop my thoughts and breathe and try to relax my body and start to take note of any reactions I experience in my body.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 02 Sep 2017, 09:35

9-1-17
"Positivity to not face Evil which is the truth"

Positivilty to hide the negativity, and the negative is the truth of who we've allowed ourselves to become and the consequences we've accepted and allowed ourselves to create - which we don't wana see; We wana bullshit ourselves with the belief that everything is just gona be fine and nice. We're fuckin scared of facing ourselves and facing our consequence - which we have accepted and allowed. The truth is our greatest nightmare I guess. So smile because we should all try our best to feel happy to manifest a more positive life for ourselves and this world. Don't worry be happy. ..... But I get fuckin pissed when my happy-land falls apart. I get fuckin pissed when others get a chance to see what I really look like inside - instead of them only knowing and seeing the positive good humble cool guy I appear to be. I get pissed when my nastiness is exposed. I try to distract myself with and dream of nice positive enjoyable experiences, but when I use these experiences and dreams to forget about and not direct myself to walk my process of becoming equality and oneness as life - I am deceiving myself; I'm wasting my time; I am this charity that isn't really doing something significant and relevant to change this world which is me.



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joe kou
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby joe kou » 02 Sep 2017, 17:43

9-1-17
"Positivity to not face Evil which is the truth"

Positivilty to hide the negativity, and the negative is the truth of who we've allowed ourselves to become and the consequences we've accepted and allowed ourselves to create - which we don't wana see; We wana bullshit ourselves with the belief that everything is just gona be fine and nice. We're fuckin scared of facing ourselves and facing our consequence - which we have accepted and allowed. The truth is our greatest nightmare I guess. So smile because we should all try our best to feel happy to manifest a more positive life for ourselves and this world. Don't worry be happy. ..... But I get fuckin pissed when my happy-land falls apart. I get fuckin pissed when others get a chance to see what I really look like inside - instead of them only knowing and seeing the positive good humble cool guy I appear to be. I get pissed when my nastiness is exposed. I try to distract myself with and dream of nice positive enjoyable experiences, but when I use these experiences and dreams to forget about and not direct myself to walk my process of becoming equality and oneness as life - I am deceiving myself; I'm wasting my time; I am this charity that isn't really doing something significant and relevant to change this world which is me.

This is something almost every one of us eventually faces - the question of "Am I wasting my time? What is the point? I am not getting anywhere...."

And to that I would highly suggest having a listen to a recent interview - Uselessness or Empowerment where this point is discussed in very practical terms and shows how and why we sometimes get into these ruts and feel like nothing is happening.

You have already taken the first step of writing your reactions and thoughts and experiences out here, which is cool - now the question is since you have identified your experience and can see it for the distraction that it is, what will you do now?




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