writing myself to freedom

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 19 Sep 2017, 20:40

i can go get money for the shocking secrets of masturbation series but .... I will do it. I commit myself to dedicate today, which is my probably last day not being a fugitive, to go get money to buy the shocking secrets of masturbation series and as well as it is suggested in the introduction interview of the masturbation series, which I am listening to right now, the what is sex series, which I have actually not listened to yet. So, after writing this and maybe finish listening to the shocking secrets of masturbation free introduction interview, I will go and panhandle some money and come back to the library and buy some of the shocking secrets of masturbation interview series interviews and some of the what is sex series. how much will i buy? I can buy 3 of each for now. or maybe more. there is some new interviews in the masturbation series that I hadnt seen before. so i am writing this here right now so I can have an actual like official script of what i'm going to do right now and not just leave it in my mind or to my isolated self. and to add, i expect that since i'm bipolar because i do drugs and i'm on drugs right now, i will react to and regret and judge what i have written here today. but i adressed this point earlier outloud by myself earlier today, and i came to the conclusion of that - yes i am probably in fact mindfucked right now because i'm under the influence of a drug, but when i sobber up - to judge my writing of when i was on drugs is also a mindfuck. because what i have said here as the practical steps i'll walk to assist and support myself with my addiction problem which has compounded and it's consequences have become worse, as i've explained, makes sense to me. to regret and judge myself and be against what i'm saying right now that i'm on drugs when i'm sober is to mindfuck myself in a polarity. thats what i see. and it sucks that i have allowed myself to experience superconsciousness, which it seems to me is what i access when i'm under the influence of this particular drug (cough n cold pills for people with high blood pressure), and also when under the influence of other drugs such as 'spice'. and to add for the record here, i'm showing myself and to anyone who reads this that - a drug addiction such as mine really mindfucks one's mind extensively, such as this bipolar/paranoia disorder i developed by using these drugs all the time. and i commit myself to just masturbate myself with the physical today and to not take any more drugs today. and i'm ashamed to write this here, but it seems supportive because i'm not isolating myself to an extent by letting you all know what is happening in my life, and that i do assist and support myself to an extent, but i just need to keep pushing through.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 19 Sep 2017, 21:19

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that through masturbation to picture images i have just been feeding the mind but not developing and changing in my physical reality, and i have fed my mind systems so much energy through masturbation that it has acculmulated and evolved these systems to such a point where i am now very disfunctional in my practical physical reality. because i have ignored the physical reality and compounded/accumulated/manifested physical consequences as the result of me not directing my physical reality. thus my physical reality's problems are just getting worse and worse; just because there is a complete imbalance and a massive separation between both realities (mind/physical) causing a catastrophic physical consequences in this physical reality.

therefore, what makes sense to me is to commit myself to make the effort to dedicate more time to assisting and supporting my physical reality/ physical reality consequences. that means that i have to reduce the amount of time i dedicate to watching porn and masturbating to picture images in my mind, which i take cough n cold pills as drugs to do. that makes sense. today, i'll allow myself to masturbate here and there, but not to picture images. and if i do give in to using picture images, then it's best to not use so much time on that, so that i can have time to take responsibility for and direct my physical reality/ physical reality consequences. so when i give into picture images, i commit myself to stop, breathe, and realize that the more time i dedicate to fueling and participating in my mind addiction reality as ignoring the physical consequential reality - the more traumatic my physical consequential reality will become, because my mind addiction reality is in conflict/friction with my physical reality, thus my mind addiction reality will just consume and consume more and more my physical realty and harm and/or compromise it. and i can't shun my physical reality without it affecting me, because it is the reality i am currently living in.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 20 Sep 2017, 01:26

I realize or consider that I'm being given windows of opportunity by desteni/interdimensinal beings, because for example, I have a realization that a dimension/perspective in relation to the point of my addiction to masturbation to picture images on cough n cold pills/ drugs is that - a way of assisting/ supporting myself to stop/change that point is simply by not spending so much time on the mind and just day dreaming and observing my thoughts and emotions/feeling and that includes the time I spend on my masturbation to picture images on drugs addiction and the preparation for it. but to instead start to spend more time on directing myself to define as find practical solutions to my problems and living/applying them. and so i'll write about it - defining it/ specifying it, but as I'm applying the solution ore working on it I suddenly decide to go watch porn and a few minutes pass and then I accidentally close porn web page. These "coincidences" could be windows of opportunity that are somehow becing manifested in my life to have an uneccpected moment to sotp and re-direct myself to apply a solution as what is best. it's up to me, I'd say, in those moments to make an effort in taking that chance/opportunity/help to stop myself from continuing looking at porn.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 20 Sep 2017, 02:11

Redefining my reality and living in the physical

It is up to me now to decide, I'd say, whether I will put in the effort and dedicate more time to supporting myself in this physical reality, or if I'll accept and allow myself to give my life away to the mind. because I know now what I need to do; I need to walk a process of defining as in specifying myself to support myself in this physical reality. obviously as I do that I will come to terms with as in put into words the practical solutions I will live. ti's important to work with words to define my reality, because in doing so I am specifying my reality with words. to specify means to identify clearly and definitely. I need to identify my reality, in otherwords, name the game. ... I can either be lazy and fuck myself or make an effort to learn how the mind works so that I can free myself from it and turn my problems into gifts and empower myself to direct my physical reality and stop creating physical consequences that are just slowly but surely leading me to my end/death.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 21 Sep 2017, 01:15

9-20-17

Standing equal and one with/as Desteni

I have for some time judged myself and defined myself as less-than Desteni, because I couldn't change. But that might change as Life squeezes the Life out of me if there is any Life left in/of me still left in me/as me. I've judged myself through/by comparing my process to the processes of other Destonians and believed that it's too late for me and that I will not make it because I was stubborn and did not accept and allowed myself to stop and change and redefine myself. I reacted a lot within that. and i've been very angry and envious of Desteni/Destonians who stood up and changed a lot sooner than what it's taking me to stop and change and stand up. in reacting this way there's also been a lot of self-pitty i've accepted and allowed, and i've made up a lot of excuses/reasons/justifications to not stop and change, and stand within my process. All of that is only as nessessary as I accept and allow myself to believe and make it to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my process to the processes of others and in that i have judged myself and believed/defined myself as less-than Desteni.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare/judge myself in relation to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't deserve to be/live the best I can be/live, and that I deserve to be punished for failing to be the best I can be/live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself by/through not accepting myself to realize that this is a process and it doesn't have to be the same as the process of others, just equal, and that this will take as long as it has to take and I will just have to stand back up every time i accept and allow myself to fall, as much as it takes, but that doesn't mean/justify/validate that I should give up or traumatize myself with throughts/beliefs/ideas that it's too late for me and that I'm not going to make it. because the truth is that I don't know that yet. but in/as my fear I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mind-fuck myself and waste my time in a polarity where I either think/believe that it is in fact too late for me to make it because I'm going to die inevitably, or that - I know that I am going to make it and it was all part of a plan, and in that mind-fucking myself by/through believing-in/creating these ideas of hope and visions; but then the slightest minute thing would happen wherein my foreseen expectation would fail in some way and I would suddenly lose my faith and start to react and panic and mind-fuck myself with all these bullshit throughts/ideas wherein i'm fuckin foreseeing my future and I'll believe those ideas/throughts and just keep fucking myself in that time-loop, instead of letting that bs go and just living here and walking my process the best that i can without long-term foreseen expectations.

I commit myself to stop judging my process and myself and trying to compare it with others'. I commit myself to simply live here and do the best that I see that I can do. When and as I see myself reacting by judging/comparing my process to that of others, I stop, I breathe, I realize that all that mind crap is unnecessary and not fuckin real really, and if I accept and allow that bullshit to control me the mind is just going to fuck me that way.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 21 Sep 2017, 03:04

9-20-17

Resisting practicing physical masturbation

A point that just opened up is that - here I am, with a desire in my mind to masturbate; to stimulate my genitals, and I know it can feel so good if I take pills. But I'm resisting doing that and, it's obviously not a valid excuse to justify my drug use, but if I do give into taking pills to masturbate I can assist/support myself by masturbating to the physical only, wihtout picture images. And from a certain perspective a corrective-application sugested in the masturbation eqafe series is to practice masturbating to/with/as the physical, and to not resist practicing it (which I do resist when I stop picture images). It does say that one's masturbation should be principled, meaning- it should be scheduled so that one is directing oneself instead of one's addiction controlling/deciding when one will masturbate. but then sunette said later on in her 'self and living' masturbation-support series that one doesn't have to necessarily stop masturbating for 21 days at first and put oneself through those overwhelming withdrawal experiences; but that one could rather instead just keep masturbating but just without picture image, and to walk a process of gradually making the masturbation less and less till one can go on for 3 months without masturbating without it being a big deal.

What I want to take from these perspectives/suggestions is that - I want to allow myself to still masturbate till I'm satisfied and even to take drugs, but just to at least really not allow myself to use picture images. In doing this, it is from a certain perspective still self-supportive because even though I'll take drugs I'll still be reprogramming myself/my-body's relationship with/to sex/masturbation by exploring and discovering the physical.

For example, today I was masturbating to picture images in such a way that it was painful to my human physical body, but I was so possessed by the energy the picture images was generating that I decided to ignore my physical pain. But then later I decided to keep masturbating in the same way without picture images and I very quickly decided to stop because it was painful and thus I was just torturing myself as my human physical body, so I stopped.

And also, I have walked several amount of days in a row wherein I practice masturbation without pictures and just the physical many times, and I did notice that at first my physical masturbation experience wouldn't be as pleasurable as with picture images but I would slowly but surely with practice become better at it to the point where I seem to have enjoyed it more than how I was enjoying the mind picture images masturbation - which I had in my addiction's evolution gotten to a point where I wasn't enjoying it - therefore one can say I was reaping myself as my human physical body for picture images and energy. But eventually I would look at picture images and I would become possessed and I would start masturbating to picture images and abusing drugs again. But perhaps (most likely) I in giving in to picture images have not allowed myself to discover just how extensively pleasurable and satisfying physical masturbation can be with constant/consistent practice application. I'd say that I just need to stop resisting physical masturbation; because when I quit picture images I tend to masturbate far less because I'm not experiencing that energy rush, but I have yet to really discover how extensive and rewarding physical masturbation can be/become, which I've heard is far greater than the energetic picture image mind experience.

Thus, I'd like to end this writing by saying that I would like to assist/support myself to not resist physical masturbation - which is a reprogramming process I inevitably have to walk. But yes I will still allow the drugs for now and just see where that takes me and what changes.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 21 Sep 2017, 03:18

9-20-17

Experiencing resistance in moving into my sister's apartment

What I see is best for me now is to go live at my sister's apartment because i'm a fugitive of the law. And yes I see that option as obviously better than living on the streets / hiding in the streets.

And yes I am aware that there is going to be much resistance experience because I am challenging my mind. I'm not going to enjoy not satisfying my mind's lust and I'm going to feel insecure and uncomfortable but that is not what is real, it's just the mind's preprogramiming making sure I don't find a way out of my ego/addiction. It was designed that way by god/Anu.

It doesn't have to be like that, meaning - It's not necessary for me to accept and allow myself to not direct myself whatsoever within the principle of what is best - and what choice will reap better fruition as the consequence that will manifest in my physical reality - which is what I will eventually inevitably experience.

Therefore I suggest to myself to make that move of moving into Nancy's apartment for now today. Today because I already have a warrant for my arrest probably. It's not to panic, but just to direct myself within my physical reality and do what is best for me which is a gift to me of myself. common sense. Don't be a robot.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 21 Sep 2017, 03:36

9-20-17

I am an Artist

This could be your end or maybe your transcendence, as Anu said in the interview. I'm saying this so that you(I) don't just give up and decide to live in petrification. The truth is I can't judge my process comparing it to others. I don't understand yet what is going to happen, but I do realize that I know of the mind enough to say that it is most definitely going to challenge me and make me see things through energy mind reactions. I don't have to give into that.

I'm scared of everything and the mind just want me to just keep masturbating and not do anything else. Thus I fear daring to try to make money with my art/drawing skills. But I know I have a fuck load of potential. Thus it makes sense that if I'm resisting making money off my art out of fear and self-judgment - to see, realize, and understand that the mind doesn't want me to expand myself and create solutions. But when I look at and analize that reaction I can see that it doesn't make sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist and fear being an artist, when it seems it really is a cool self-supportive choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and this choice of being an artist to make money because I was on drugs when I made that choice. That choice makes sense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the idea and thoughts that - whatever I think I realized while on drugs is just a lie.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I experience myself reacting towards a realization I had when I was on drugs and judging it - that I was at the same time accessing a memory where I regretted and judged what I believed I had realized while on drugs.

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to reject myself as opportunities/insights/realizations I had when I was on drugs. Therefore I commit myself to accept and allow myself to use this opportunity to make and support myself with money through/by becoming an artist.

I'd say I am more than capable of blowing people's minds with my art. The truth is I have a lot of potential to make money with. And I'm not just flattering myself, I do have a very advanced human physical body design.



Marlen
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Marlen » 21 Sep 2017, 19:54

Hi Daniel,

In terms of your comparison, this is a very common subject for everyone no matter 'where' in process you are and something that has assisted me is to not compare myself to the lives of others as each one's life experience, points to face is quite unique and unrepeatable. However in your writings is clear to see how the comparison point becomes an emotional reaction that does not allow you to see how in becoming emotional about it, you are not seeing the clear solution, which is mentioned in what you've seen others have done, such as actually doing change, actually standing up, actually taking the time, effort and discipline it takes to get changes done in our lives.
So, the solution is as simple as referencing HOW others have done it - which is what all the blogs, vlogs etc are for - and then apply it for yourself, instead of turning it into an emotional 'hopelessness' and 'helplessness' which leads you nowhere.

Then on making a living for yourself, suggest that you keep it practical and realistic, it's easy to define things we'd like to do or feel comfortable doing and in that, make it our source of income, but it's not that easy for every case. So you can consider making an informed and realistic decision of how you can make money in your life and keep it realistic and practical, so as to not go into dreams and desires of what would 'feel good' to do, but not keeping in touch with how earning money is currently a possibility for you, so best to keep feet on the ground about it.

Also in terms of your impending legal situation, if there's something you are actually to be held accountable for, best is to then not hide from it but take responsibility in it. Otherwise you're running away from your own consequences, which in turn cause only more consequences as fear, paranoia and pressure in seeking places to hide. If you had the guts to do what you did, you can have the guts to own your creation and walk the result of it. That's my take on that.

Take care



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 25 Sep 2017, 19:51

9-24-17

I reacted emotionally with fear, guilt, remorse, shame, self-judgment in relation to in spite of me being aware of the possible consequences of accepting and allowing myself to participate in masturbation to picture images on drugs I still allow it. When I experienced this emotional reaction it just made things worse because I became overwhelmed and frustrated and even sad. But are these reactions really acceptable? I'M ASKING TO ANYONE ON THE FORUM WHO READS THIS TO SHARE YOUR PERSPECTIVE WITH ME ON - do I really have to react emotionally just because I don't stop? Can't I just not stop but not feel emotional/bad about it? Does it even make sense really to react emotionally - such as sadness, remorse, guilt, shame, self-judgment that I don't stop my addiction in spite of me being aware of the consequences?
I considered that the reactions aren't nessesary and that they are just making shit worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally with fear, guilt, shame, remorse, self-judgment that I accept and allow myself to masturbate to picture images on drugs in spite of me being aware of the possible extensive consequences this can manifest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that reacting with fear, shame, guilt, remorse, self-judgment makes sense and is logical because of the danger that I am accepting and allowing myself to walk into.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally with fear, shame, guilt, remorse, self-judgment that I accept and allow myself to walk into danger instead of stopping myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize or consider and question that - the energetic reactions of fear, guilt, shame, remorse, self-judgment are not nessesery really to .... as part and steps to a solution.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider and realize that reacting emotionally in not part of the solution to me transending my extensive and dangerous addiction to masturbation to picture images on drugs.

When and as I see myself reacting emotionally with fear, guilt, shame, remorse, self-judgment that I am accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to picture images on drugs in spite of me being aware of the possible extensive consequences, I stop, I breathe, I realize that allowing these reactions to overwhelm me and feeding those emotional energies with thoughts wherein I judge myself and I confirm the reaction as in me accepting and allowing myself to surrender to it - it is probably not best as in it is not part of the steps nessesery as the solution to trancend my addiction. I commit myself to stop my thoughts of emtoional reactions towards my addiction.




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