USELESSNESS OR EMPOWERMENT?
Continuing from the point I wrote about in the previous post, which is my addiction to picture images and drugs and how I'm not allowing myself to face my deeper emotional layers by accepting and allowing myself to indulge in my addiction which is an addiction to positive feelings, which, when more superficial (I guess I can use that word - 'superficial') emotional reactions get in the way of me experiencing the positivity of my addiction, i release those emotions but then proceed to fuck myself with the positive feelings addiction. Who would I be in relation to this point if I was empowered? I resist that question. Because I don't want to be empowered in relation to that addiction point. But this process is from a certain perspective me standing equal and one with my ego and committing suicide, meaning killing myself as the ego, killing the ego. If I was empowered/more-empowered within this point I would be less lazy and I would allow myself to stop doing drugs and masturbating to picture images so that I can get to experience the more deeper emotional/negative layers inside me, which, now that I look back at when I've tried to stop my participation in masturbating to picture images and doing drugs, I start to experience negative emotions, such as for example - 'sadness', and I give up. Well, I consider aright now that it's a cool thing to get to those deeper negative emotional layers inside me such as for example that emotion of sadness I experience, but, when I get there, if I don't do something about it, meaning, if I don't redefine that part of me, then I am disempowering myself by allowing that part of me (the 'sadness') to have the power inside of me to react and to suppress. I guess I can say that that 'sadness' for example, is like a wall through which by not redefining it and growing from it - I am limiting myself to expand and grow as a being. So, if I was empowered within this point of the deeper negative emotional layer inside me, I would open up the emotion an the thoughts that come up with the emotion. Then I would apply self forgiveness for whatever came up. An I could even take it further and look at my memories to see where I can see that emotion an I would open up the momory and apply self forgiveness for/on it. And by doing these things, I would release that emotion, and so I would stop experiencing it, an I would grow/expand myself. Then I would take the next emotion, and then the next and the next, until there was none and I was here as emptiness, stable, no reactions. Obviously, at least obviously for me, I have to use my time to walk my process. So, I think I can say that I know what to do now. So now I just have to do it. And if I am reacting towards doing it, then if I was empowered I would do self forgiveness on those resistances. (to be continued)