writing myself to freedom

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 26 Sep 2017, 18:00

9-26-17

I am going to do sf in relation to the emotional reactions I am experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear that I'm gona eventually die and notd make it because I keep masturbating on drugs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all there is to the solution to trancending my addiction to masturbation and drugs is to stop - when what I've seen is that I haven't been able to stop because I don't want to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot find/realize a real practical solution for my problem as my addiction to masturbation/picture images/drugs.

...... At the moment I am not masturbating or planning on doing drugs. What I see is something I think I heard in some interview that - I have to direct myself in every single moment of my participation in my life as what is best for all, otherwise it is the mind/ego that is directing me... and it will take revenge on me. "the ego will take you on a path where you will be facing the point that you attempted to use to gain your freedom... you will face this point to such an extent that you will never go there again." If I do not make sure that I direct myself in every single moment as every single moment I am participating in my life now that I'm not possessed then the ego will direct me into it's revenge and it will direct me into a path where I will face my addiction to masturbation to picture images to such an extent that I will not be able to break free from it again. The ego has already taken revenge on me before and my addiction has just become more overwhelming to stop and direct. The more I keep allowing the ego to direct me into it's revenge - the more and more overwhelming my addiction will become. So, the solution I see here is that from now on I have to make sure that I, in every moment, decide what is best and do that. I can't allow myself to just freely roam around randomly in life anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot direct myself in every moment of my life as what is best because I have to allow myself to be lazy just because i am apparently more comfortable that way, but that is just fear of change, and change is not so bad once I allow myself to walk through it because I remain and I will have grown/expanded myself and I will appreciate that of myself, which will support my self-esteem.

When and as I see myself just roaming around freely and randomly in my life, I stop, I breathe, I realize that what is currently busy taking place if I keep allowing this is my ego's revenge which will make sure that I do not get out of the system. And so I commit myself to walk a process of making the effort to direct myself in every single moment of my life as what is best.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 29 Sep 2017, 01:29

i will continue from my last post. what I'd like to do is write about a memory wherein I reacted the same way as the other day in my previous post. So yes I tend to react emotionally with fear, guilt, self-judgment when I allow myself to masturbate to picture images and/or do drugs. But some years ago ... like 4 or 5 years ago, I had already found desteni, and I was already very addicted to masturbation to picture images. But back then I would mainly only smoke weed. But then around that time I started taking cough and cold pills to get high and I started doing it every day. At first I wasn't doing it to enhance my masturbation experience, but eventually after a while I was taking those pills pretty much every day to enhance my masturbation to picture images experience. Eventually after some time of allowing this pattern I started experiencing very extensive and very overwhelming experiences of fear, guilt, self-judgment, regret. I would react this way as I would allow myself to have a lot of thoughts about me not making it into life and ceasing to exist. I would fuck with myself extensively this way. It's been a journey for me walking through these reactions, but when I experience them now they are far less extensive than before. I've considered that reacting in this way is not self-supportive as it being a step into a solution. Allowing myself to react emotionally so extensively created a separation within me, wherein once fear, guilt, self-judgment, regret would consume/possess me I would become another person. I would become the defeated and ashamed and regretful version of myself, wherein I was evil and I would just allow myself to abdicate all responsibility as in self-support and I just wouldn't care, but deep inside of me I was very regretful and fearful because I knew that the consequences I was creating for myself were the worst thing that could ever happen to me, which is dying and having to walk an unimaginable painful process for billions of years and/or cease to exist.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 29 Sep 2017, 23:46

9-29-17

Continuing from my last post.... these emotional reactions were very overwhhelming, painful, emotionally painful. I would experience a great regret after I was like more out of my possession as masturbation to picture images, but I would still be high on the drug, and I think the effects of the drug (cough n cold pills) on my mind/physical made the regret and fear far more worse than if I would've been sober. I don't react so extensively anymore, but still to this day the experience of regret will fuck with me; and it feels like a split.... like I'm split when I experience this regret. Because one part of me can't make peace with the other part of me. It's hard to have this desire or need to be statisfied with myself as in knowing that I'm supporting myself and doing what is best for myself yet doing like the complete opposite and allowing myself to not stop myself from walking down a path that I am aware is leading to the worst possible consequences. It's hard to make peace with that while I'm just allowing it. But the thing is that I can see that it doesn't make sense to judge myself; so the only way to find peace with myself here is to realize that there is a very specific and physical/real reason why I have not been able to manifest the outcome of me stopping my participation in my addiction. I have to learn, see, realize, understand that specific reason so that I can actually really do something about it.

What is comming up right now is that - I think that I'm not able to stop my participation in my addiction because it is too late; meaning - that there is an energy/system that has been charged to the point where 'the reaction' (as my participation in my addiction) is not able to just be stopped. That means that what I have to do is discharge that energy/system that is possessing me. And that is done by writing about and applying self forgiveness on events where I see I react and charge energy in my current day to day living; but also by at the same time also writing about and applying self forgiveness for my memories because they are holding a charge of energy which is leading me to become possessed. This is explained in the 'panic attack' interview series by the Atlanteans on eqafe; that in the moment of the panic attack it is already to late to stop it because of the ammount of energy that has already been charged which is manifesting the inevitable reaction as the panic attack, and so it's probably the same with my masturbation to picture images on drugs addiction. And that goes hand in hand with what I mentioned in a recent post that I have to make sure that I am directing myself in every moment otherwize the mind is the one directing me and leading me into the revenge of the ego. What I'm saying is that I have to direct myself to do what is nessessery to discharge the energy reaction as my participation in my addiction when I become possessed.

So back to my memory..., well it is not a specific memory but it is a reaction that was happpening constantly which was very extensive some years ago.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that I accept3ed and allowed myself to react very extensively emotionally with/as regret and fear and guilt some years ago.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react so extensively with fear, regret, self-judgment, guilt some years ago when I would regret that I wouldn't stop taking drugs and masturbating to picture images/porn and I would fear the conseuqnces of what I was allowing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what i am writing, thinking that it sucks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as what Iam writing right now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that I accepted and alowed myself to spit myself with/as the emotional reaction experience of regret and fear and guilt.
(to be continued) ( I start feeling sleepy)



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 03 Oct 2017, 02:30

Monday 10-2-17

Continuing from my last post:

I see that in emotionally reacting to my problem (as my addiction) I am actually wasting my time; time that I could be using to look for an effective solution. Reacting emotionally is a waste of time because it is not the solution.

When and as I see myself reacting emotionally with/as regret, fear, guilt, shame, self-judgment, remorse that in spite of me being aware of the possible extensive consequences of accepting and allowing myself to masturbate to picture images and/or take drugs(cough and cold pills) I am still accepting and allowing it, I stop, I breathe, I realize that instead of wasting my time reacting emotionally to the problem I can use that time to stop the self-judgment and reactions and look for possible solutions. I commit myself to walk a process of stopping self-judgment and emotional reactions in relation to my addiction to masturbation to instead, in the time that I would of spent reacting to the problem - forgiving myself and looking for a solution, even if the attempted solution fails I just try something else.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize and understand that when I react emotionally with fear, regret, guilt, shame, self-judgment, remorse to my accepted and allowed participation to masturbation to picture images and/or taking cough and cold pills - I am reacting but in that not really applying a practical solution, so I am wasting my time just traumatizing myself and just fueling/feeding the emotional reaction with more and more energy as I keep reacting and having thoughts in relation to/as the reaction and in this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see and understand that if I am accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally to my acceptance and allowance of my participation in masturbation to picture images and/or taking drugs and allowing the thoughts that come with the reaction feeding it more and more energy - I am just accepting and allowing myself to become POSSESSED by/with/as that emotional energy and when I am possessed within energy I cannot see myself and my reality with common-sense.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that to react emotionally to my problem of my addiction to masturbation and drugs is not an ingredient in the equation of/as the solution that I have to walk to solve my problem/ to change.

But then an interesting point comes up; that - it's also not supportive if I stop reacting emotionally and then I say that since that emotional reaction is out of the way then now I can just masturbate in peace and completely not give a fuck about the consequences just because I don't feel anything as a reaction in relation to them. What I consider here is that this is where I have to decide if I am going to be self-honest or not. And an interesting thing is that - it seems to me that I tend to believe that if I am not willing to stop my participation in masturbation to picture images and drugs = then I cant at the same time be looking for a solution to eventually stop/change. I see within this point - a collision within/as myself wherein one part of me is like "I will never quit masturbating to picture images and doing drugs!!!! never!!!! This is all that I have and all that really matters to me!!!", and then the other part of me is saying "You have to stop. You have to change. You have to die as the mind/ as that pattern/time-loop", and so there's a war within me.

For now I'll take it up to here and see how my application of my self-commitments goes. I will continue investigating this point in the posts to come.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 04 Oct 2017, 00:49

10-3-17

Continuing from my last post, I see and realize that by/within allowing myself to participate in emotional reactions to me accepting and allowing myself to accumulate a fucked up consequence - I am accepting and allowing a separation to exist within/as me, because the moment I judged myself I was already separating myself from myself; instead of forgiving myself and realizing that i have a problem I must face and create a solution as what is best. In that separation I have dissempowered myself, and that is really not nessesary and not what I would want. I don't want to take my power away from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disempower myself through/by allowing myself to separate myself from myself through self-judgment as emotional reaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my power away from myself, which is to spite myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as me trying to go away from myself in a way, or wanting myself to go away from myself, instead of being here for myself.

So, what I am doing as the nessesary steps to walk to create/find a solution is that I remember to breathe with awareness especially when I see that my mind is starting to try to react, and I am listening to the what is sex series on eqafe to learn and get further perspective on who and how I am, what I am, so that I can wake up and see things for what they really are.

I commit myself to continue to keep supporting myself and dedicating time to myself and learning to understand who/how/what/why I am. There's a lot of changes that I'm applying in my day to day living, such as not eating sugar if it's not nessesary, breathing, reading out loud heavensjourneytolife and creationsjourneytolife almost every day and applying self forgiveness out loud here and there when I see that I am reacting with feelings/emotions, and also I practice stopping my thoughts as in stopping my mind, wherein I give myself the opportunity for experience myself here with no thoughts in my head and I relax my body and try to feel comfortable in/as it and I breathe/ breathe in deep and I let everything go for a moment, also when I give in to actually taking cough and cold pills as a drug to masturbate to picture images, a lot of the time, almost every time, when the pills hit me or after the pills hit me or even before, I will chose to only allow myself to masturbate with the physical with not picture images, or I just wont masturbate even though I had token the drugs which I did to enhance my masturbation experience, and instead I'll find a way to support myself. for example, I've been screaming as loud as I can lately as me expressing myself/ my anger/frustration/regret etc, and I think that's supportive. Or I'll read heavensjourneytolife out loud, or I'll apply sf outloud. I also support myself by not speaking or acting in a certain way when it is not nessesery. What I mean is that I wont talk or act pointlessly. I also have seen a big improvement in my eating disorder, I don't eat out of anxiety as an addiction so much anymore. Also I spend time with animals (cats/birds/insects). I feed them and just observe them; I enjoy doing that. I also read blogs of other destonians once in a while. I'm sure there's more supportive things I've been applying in my every day life but I don't think it's nessesery to list them all here.

I will continue with this on my next post.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 07 Oct 2017, 17:59

thursday 10-5-17

I forgive myself I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself - to separate myself from myself by/through judging myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to change, and in that I believed/thought that I couldn't be willing to realize the solution to my addiction. And so I thought I couldn't do anything about it because I was simply not wanting to give up masturbation to picture images and drugs. But I remind myself what Bernard said "it's not about whether you fall or not. It's about specifying yourself to self-honesty.", and since there's no such thing as 'choice' really - I cannot accept the excuse/reason/justification of "I don't want to stop right now, and this has been happening for some time now, so I should feel regretful, scared, angry, guilty, sad and judge myself because I can't do anything about it, because I just don't wana do what I think I know I should do about it." There's only one road, so why break it and separate myself from myself in/as polarity? I'm walking my process and supporting myself. I can't say that I'm not walking my process and supporting myself as I'm falling - because that statement is only possible if I judge myself and what is happening.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 07 Oct 2017, 18:08

Friday 10-6-17

I realize that with drugs I lose touch with myself. That's fucked up because that's like making the statement that I don't want to exist any more. Because I am no here with myself. I realize that to self-fulfill myself I need to stop using drugs.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I'm on drugs I lose touch with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose touch with myself through using drugs.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see,realize, understand that I've been self-sabotaging myself through accepting and allowing myself to consume drugs, because I'm only losing touch with myself with drugs.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 07 Oct 2017, 18:29

10-6-17

I'm writing sf to feel self-fulfilled and to find myself and complete myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear that I've accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I've accepted and allowed myself to fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worship fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear-going into self-judgment.
I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to judge my own fear. I forgive myself for accedpting and allowing myself to judge myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.
I forgive mmyself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ignore my past.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my past.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allwoing myself to realize that I can't really separate myself from my pst.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and believe that my past is my enemy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allwoign myself to become my own worse enemy.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wage war on/with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hurt myself and to actually hurt myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself.
I forgive myself for acccepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself because I didin't accept and allow myself to be respected in school.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do something about the kids that would bully me in school - as in to find a solution to experience myself at ease.
I forgive myself for accepting and allwoign myself to judge myself that I accepted and allowed myself to do nothing about the kids that would bully me at school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself when I was in school - as I would not anymore stand up for/as myself to express myself as who I really am because I accepted and allowed myself to fear the kids that would bully me and the laughters of the others.
I forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to be such a fool as I would play into the games of the kids in school who would bully me or try to sabotage me to make them fell better.
I'll take it up to here for now. More to come



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 10 Oct 2017, 02:20

Fri 10-6-17
Right now the question that arises within me is: I don't know what to do with my life. What do I do with my life? And I just automatically wana go masturbate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the lie/fantasy of masturbation to picture images.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use masturbation to picture images as a way to try to escape from myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear as an excuse to not accept and allow myself to face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to direct me instead of me accepting and allowing myself to direct myself in common sense as what is best.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 10 Oct 2017, 02:52

Friday 10-6-17

The excuse my mind througws at me to take drugs and masturbate to picture images is "But if I stop I am going to suffer, and I'm probably going to die!"

Okay, but what are my reasons to not masturbate to picture images and do drugs?
1.If I keep doing drugs I'd say I'm eventually going to die, and I obviously dont prefer that.
2.When I do drugs I go into a mind fuck cus I start feeling all radical and I'll start to believe that this is the moment where I am going to transcend the mind, or, I just see everything more extreme.
3.When I take drugs I actually seem to become stupid, and I can't read or write, or draw, or speak / speak sf and sometimes I feel lost.
4.With masturbating to picture images and doing drugs as extensively as I do, I am doing that instead of having a real relationship with someone(most likely a girl), and I think it would be so fuckin awesome if I stopped masturbating to picture images and doing drugs and started facing myself as the issues and insecurities/fears/paranoias that I have in relation to having a close and intimate and thorough relationship with other people. And I would love to have a wife and that I would have had the courage and made the effort to stop being limited by the fear that others will judge me and find a woman who accepts me and who is unconditional with me - as I with her and that I can live with her and not have to hide anything from her - as well as her from me, and to have a lot of sex and really share our lives with each other and be satisfied with that. That would be like heaven for me, because I have accepted and allowed myself to become so isolated and so fucked up, it's not nice, it really sucks, but I've just allowed myself to lock myself away in my fear.
5.As an addict to extensive masturbation to picture images and drugs I do not have a job, I don't have money to support myself and well it shouldn't have to be like this.
6. This life is not really what I want for myself.
7. It's really fucked me up in the head.
8.I really would like a better life. I would like to start my life all over again but this time live the best life that I could possibly ever live.
9. When I'm on drugs I'm like handicap lol
10. When I'm high I come up with these radical ideas and apparent realizations, which, sometimes, could in essence be a mind fuck.




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