Continuing from my last post, I see and realize that by/within allowing myself to participate in emotional reactions to me accepting and allowing myself to accumulate a fucked up consequence - I am accepting and allowing a separation to exist within/as me, because the moment I judged myself I was already separating myself from myself; instead of forgiving myself and realizing that i have a problem I must face and create a solution as what is best. In that separation I have dissempowered myself, and that is really not nessesary and not what I would want. I don't want to take my power away from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disempower myself through/by allowing myself to separate myself from myself through self-judgment as emotional reaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my power away from myself, which is to spite myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as me trying to go away from myself in a way, or wanting myself to go away from myself, instead of being here for myself.
So, what I am doing as the nessesary steps to walk to create/find a solution is that I remember to breathe with awareness especially when I see that my mind is starting to try to react, and I am listening to the what is sex series on eqafe to learn and get further perspective on who and how I am, what I am, so that I can wake up and see things for what they really are.
I commit myself to continue to keep supporting myself and dedicating time to myself and learning to understand who/how/what/why I am. There's a lot of changes that I'm applying in my day to day living, such as not eating sugar if it's not nessesary, breathing, reading out loud heavensjourneytolife and creationsjourneytolife almost every day and applying self forgiveness out loud here and there when I see that I am reacting with feelings/emotions, and also I practice stopping my thoughts as in stopping my mind, wherein I give myself the opportunity for experience myself here with no thoughts in my head and I relax my body and try to feel comfortable in/as it and I breathe/ breathe in deep and I let everything go for a moment, also when I give in to actually taking cough and cold pills as a drug to masturbate to picture images, a lot of the time, almost every time, when the pills hit me or after the pills hit me or even before, I will chose to only allow myself to masturbate with the physical with not picture images, or I just wont masturbate even though I had token the drugs which I did to enhance my masturbation experience, and instead I'll find a way to support myself. for example, I've been screaming as loud as I can lately as me expressing myself/ my anger/frustration/regret etc, and I think that's supportive. Or I'll read heavensjourneytolife out loud, or I'll apply sf outloud. I also support myself by not speaking or acting in a certain way when it is not nessesery. What I mean is that I wont talk or act pointlessly. I also have seen a big improvement in my eating disorder, I don't eat out of anxiety as an addiction so much anymore. Also I spend time with animals (cats/birds/insects). I feed them and just observe them; I enjoy doing that. I also read blogs of other destonians once in a while. I'm sure there's more supportive things I've been applying in my every day life but I don't think it's nessesery to list them all here.
I will continue with this on my next post.