writing myself to freedom

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Daniel Martinez
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Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 04 Sep 2017, 07:56

I will Check it out joe,thanks.

So, I'm just going to share myself right now in the moment, what im experiencing. some minutes ago I took a box of pills and what motivated me to do that was masturbation. I was concidering that I shouldn't judge myself as bad or maybe even I shouldn't generate fear energy in relation to me accepting and allowing myself to compromise my life and my existence; my possibility to become life. I guess one can say i'm a drug addict, but I was sober for 2 weeks. but I relapsed.im considering that I shouldn't let that limit me as in thinking that since I'm on drugs I'm mind fucked and I cant walk my process this way. ican still do sf on drugs.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 04 Sep 2017, 08:08

i am applying for sponsorship.



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Daniel Martinez
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Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 04 Sep 2017, 16:41

today i had an enjoyable experience with water. i decided to accept and allow myself to like dive into a canal through and within which the city's water flows. it was cool. i hadnt felt like then since i was so much younger than i am now; when i was a little boy. theres something about water that i enjoy and that like relieves me or my mind. it's like comforting to hear the sound of water as it flows for example through a canal. the sound is so...... i'm not sure how to describe it. ...it's like, diving into water brings me back to life. maybe i dont know what i'm saying but this is how i'm defining it now. i really enjoyed doing like front flips in the water; i would even do like 3 or 4 fornt flips in a row without stopping in the water. if you think that what i'm writing is a mindfuck then youre more than welcomed by me to tell me to let me know. anyways, water.... it is refreshing. it's like therapeutic for me to listen to the sound of water or even to experience myself swiming in the water. .... how the fuck do people drown? i mean, i just have to let go of like myself to just fuckin float on the water. but yet people fuckin drown, wtf.water, i would describe it as, water is very free and smooth. water is like complete acceptance. water is like no resistance. water is like able to adapt to anything. water has no resistance. water, is full of oxigen, isnt it? like, it's full of breath. i guess water is my friend. i bet there's a lot more to water than the mind can conceive. what is water? what is the purpose of water? is water an expression? i'd say water is inocent. what can one/i learn from water? .... okay, i thought the experience i had with water today was suportive. maybe water is unconditional.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 04 Sep 2017, 17:52

so, yesterday i took a cough and cold medication to get high and now i feel like a child. wtf. i mean, why must i regret being a child? obviously i have evil within me because i have a relationship with the ego. but, what i realized or considered is that i fear being like a child, maybe i fear letting the child within me be and then being punished for it by the system. and yes, as i write this and as i am the way i am being now - i experience like a freedom or something close to inocence, but i also experience this very overwhelming potential horror/fear within me. i fear disapointment. but this fear can't be real, can it? it's a fuckin energetic experience, a very overwhelming one. but, it doesnt feel like this fear has complete control of me. another thing i concidered is what i heard in an interview years ago, wherein this being through the portal spoke about paranoia. he said that if beings with paranoia just manage to trancend their paranoia they might have trancended the mind because the mind is already fucked and it knows it so it creates these bizzarre experiences to try to survive. personally i've had paranoia for about 10 years now. i started experiencing panic attacks that would take like comlplete control of me as a shocking fear would overwhelmin me. this paranoia really fucked up my life. i went into isolation and addiction to cope. the paranoia/panic-attack experience limits me very extensively. it's this extreeme experience of fear and being consumed by fear. ive experienced this fear to such an extent at time that i become almost paralized and i become very fearful of even moving. it's fucked up. so for about ten years i've been living in like a battle-field. but i do mangae to direct myself through this experience of extreeme fear at least to an extent.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 05 Sep 2017, 18:01

9-4-17

Guilt
I forgive myself for experiencing sadness and fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe fear is real. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and become overwhelmed. I realize energy possessed me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad person who deserves guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the system of guilt. I commit myself to invest in the eqafe series of guilt to understand it and empower myself to break free from the system of guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by the system of guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that guilt is fair and makes sense. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept guilt and le it fuck me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the system of guilt. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust the system of guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate and spite my guilt as the mind system of guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and see myself as inferior or even superior that guilt as a system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just fuckin allow and accept guilt to enslave and control and in that limit me. I commit myself to invest in the guilt series in eqafe asap. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the system of guilt instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand one and equal as it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt and believe that guilt makes sense because I am evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that evil deserves guilt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for being evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for accepting and allowing myself to be evil.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 07 Sep 2017, 00:37

9-6-17
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to steal from walmart from the starting point of accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from reality/ the physical consequences into an illusionary mind fantasy that is finite and not real; which is that I stole medicine to get high and lubricants to masturbate to picture images on drugs, and I got cought and am now gona have to face the consequences which I'd prefer not have manifested/allowed for myself, because being prosecuted and maybe being incarcerated in prison as a prisoner is not nice.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be willing to stop my pursuit for my addiction to masturbation to picture images on drugs, which I do to feel better and not have to face the fucked up consequences I have accepted and allowed myself to create/manifest for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allo9wing myself to resist facing and standing equal and one with myself as reality and the real consequences I've accepted and allowed myself to create/manifest for myself.

Why don't I want to accept and allow myself to face them? Because if I do I will suffer; I'd rather enjoy myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist and fear experiencing sufferation/pain. Why do I fear sufferation/pain if enduring it will create a better and far more preferable/enjoyable future/life/experience/eternity for me? Because when I experience sufferation/pain I become overwhelmed and I lose myself and I eventually give up regardless of the reason I initially stood for. Because I'll believe that experiencing myself as 'suffering' is just not worth it. But at the same time, I know that I might suffer far more later if I don't stand up now. or I might miss my Life and I have thoughts of envy against LIfe because they are going to experience infinite pleasure for ever and I like experiencing pleasure. But I guess if I don't stand up then that means that I didn't really exist anymore, or at least there wasn't enough 'Real common sense' in me left; not enough Life Force. (to be continued)



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 07 Sep 2017, 04:34

9-6-17

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to and desire to and accept myself to feel positive energy feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by accepting and allowing myself to experience and participate in positive energy feelings I am also mind fucking myself the way i try to avoid by trying to avoid negative energy emotions; but they are both from the same polarity system as the mind consciousness system, so I am fucking myself by saying that I want to transend the mind and only trying to trancend negative feelings but allow the positive ones.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by trying to measure self honest self forgiveness through feelings and emotions; wherein I try to believe in a feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically believe that if I don't feel bad as negative enrgy then I must feel good as positive ennrgy.

When and as I see myself acepting and allowing myself to accept myself experiencing and participating and seeking out a positive enrgy feeling, i stop, i breathe, I realize that I am fucking myself with the mind



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Daniel Martinez
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Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 07 Sep 2017, 05:03

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and participate in positive feelings when I masturbate to picture images on drugs.
I commit myself to walk a process of - when I masturbate to picture images on drugs and I see myself experienig a positive feeling and feeding it thoughts as words, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can stop feding that positive feeling with thoughts as words and so, I commit myself to walk a process of stopping accepting and allaowing myself to give thoughts to the positive feelings I experience, such as exitement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to feel a feeling or emotion to mean my self forgiveness. i commit myself to not try to feel feelings/emotions when I forgive myself. That means that how I feel doesn't decide whether I can forgive myself or not.



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Kristina
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Kristina » 07 Sep 2017, 07:11

Hey D,
I was sober for 2 weeks. but I relapsed.im considering that I shouldn't let that limit me as in thinking that since I'm on drugs I'm mind fucked and I cant walk my process this way. ican still do sf on drugs.
So while yes, I agree that drugs shouldn't be a justification to not walk your process, I would also say careful here in not allowing specifically the statement "I can still do SF on drugs" as a justification to do drugs. The point is your self-honesty, and the reasons you are doing what you are doing. So while you may be walking through a point of addiction to drugs, don't give yourself the space to keep doing it just because you are doing self-forgiveness. You know better than anyone that is another way to abuse one's self-forgiveness.
I got cought and am now gona have to face the consequences which I'd prefer not have manifested/allowed for myself,
Because I'll believe that experiencing myself as 'suffering' is just not worth it. But at the same time, I know that I might suffer far more later if I don't stand up now. or I might miss my Life and I have thoughts of envy against LIfe because they are going to experience infinite pleasure for ever and I like experiencing pleasure. But I guess if I don't stand up then that means that I didn't really exist anymore, or at least there wasn't enough 'Real common sense' in me left; not enough Life Force.
You can see already allowing the behavior to continue will create more suffering for you as consequences of your actions. You may not want to face what is existent within you now, but will it get any easier if what you create comes from the suppression and avoidance? We know we cannot run and hide, that we will have to face the truth of ourselves, and while yes, it is the hardest thing we will ever do in our lives, it comes with the greatest reward, because in that facing, and embracing, and forgiving, and slowing down, and changing the way we make decisions and our direction we slowly but surely build our self trust, and our integrity and our resilience to the shit we put ourselves through and we say "No" more often, and we accept and allow less and less until what we accept and allow is only what is best for ourselves and others. Every decision has an outflow, and our starting point for each decision creates the play out... push, and fight, and stand in the face of your greatest enemy as the mind to give yourself another opportunity. Each moment, each fucking breath is our opportunity. And every time you come to write, with a self-honest starting point, you are nurturing that opportunity and potential to change your mind. Don't give up D.

And don't take shit from yourself.



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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 07 Sep 2017, 09:12

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying the things I dont think I'll acomplish. I mean, me daring to forgive myself for those things which I cant conceive I can forgive myself for, or, I dont believe I can take on that specific point. I realize that when I give up before even trying - I amaccepting and allowing myself to believe what I see in the mind. By doing that I am predetermining my future. But each breath and moment can change things.




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