writing myself to freedom

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Daniel Martinez
Posts: 59
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 22 Oct 2017, 10:44

list of justifications I give myself to continue my addiction:

I wana do it. I'm scared. fuck life, life is like meaningless/worthless/ I need it to have something good as a cope mechanism. I cant stop it. but I fuckin love it so much. this time I can do it better. fuck existence. it's just automatic preprograming, so lets do it. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm fuckin anxious. I'm frustrated. this is going to be the last time. I'm just not going to stop this, I don't care. its just for right now, ill change later, I know it. I love the meat. I like to be enslaved. I wana get raped. without it theres no meaning to life really. I was destined to be a failure, too bad.



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Daniel Martinez
Posts: 59
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 24 Oct 2017, 02:30

10/23/17

I realize the importance in self trust in walking one's process. Self trust is like essential because that's the first step as the foundation over/upon which self fuckin moves/exists. Once one is able to walk one's process within/as a relationship whit/to self - that is more supportive and in fact effective. One must trust oneself in order to actually take a step. to me self trust is equal and one with self honesty. one can only really trust oneself if one is self honest.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the essence of who I really am as life is within self trust.

I commit myself to - when and as I see myself walking my process and/or walking my process but being unstable, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the essence of myself/self is self trust. therefore I commit myself to walk my process to life within self trust.



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Daniel Martinez
Posts: 59
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 24 Oct 2017, 04:45

10/23/17

I just read heavensjourneytolife blog post day 41 - "temptation is not damnation?" out loud.

here heaven speaks about how one has sold one's soul to the devil as a deal for eternal positive energy experience as the survival of one's temptation which is also the survival of one's fear of loss. ...Even though i experience resistance to focus on this point because i as the mind says that i'm not going to stop taking drugs today as a change - what i realized earlier today is that one/i can have a realization that changes one's life in some way to some extent - unexpectedly. in other words, it's best for self/myself to dare to take on a point within the starting point of self honesty even when/though one/I believes and has made the decision that one will not stop for example consuming drugs and masturbating to picture images today. because one can experience a realization/change that one could not have expected. and I also realized today the ABSOLUTE empowerment that exist within the words of "for accepting and allowing myself to" as one does sf. in saying those words self honestly one is making the statement that one is absolutely completely responsible for oneself/self-responsible. and that is amazing because when one makes that statement/says those words self honestly one can experience what one couldnt imagine/conceive such as for example releasing an energy that one believed one couldn't release, because one is actualy really the creator of it and self-responsible.

at the moment i am not pushing the drug/masturbation to picture images addiction away and not participating in it, but i am rather focusing on the cause/reason for that addiction. what am I trying to hide from by/through doing drugs and masturbating to picture images as addiction? I am trying to hide from facing myself as my fears and insecurities and anxiety and trauma, which is what starts to come up when i stop my participation in my masturbation to picture images on drugs addiction. I wana isolate myself because i freak out when i interact with other people. but i am actually applying for jobs now, and it's almost a done deal that i'm gona get hired at a peanut factury as i already went to the interview/orientation with the manager of the peanut factory. this is going to be very supportive for me because i am going to be commited, and i am going to be interacting with people all the time so i'm not going to be so isolated. it's also cool because if i do get hired i will be making a stable amount of money and i can use that money to support myself and my process with eqafe and dip and other things. so, i might still be doing drugs and masturbating but at the same time i am supporting myself to assist myself to get out of that mess by trying to get a job.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop participating in masturbating to picture images and doing drugs.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i cannot stop myself from taking drugs and masturbating to picture images.
i forgvie myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that since i am applying self forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to participate in masturbating to picture images on drugs - that that means that i will have to stop today, or/and even - that i will not have to stop today - for my self forgiveness to be self honest.

i commit myself to continue walking my process of self-realization through introspection as writing, applying self forgiveness, and self commitment/corrective statements. and i commit myself to continue reminding myself that i can breathe in awareness, and that that can actually make a diference.



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Carlton
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Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Carlton » 24 Oct 2017, 18:03

Hey Daniel, thanks for sharing yourself, as a suggestion, in relations to your "List of Justifications you use to continue your addictions", I would say to take each one and apply Self-Forgiveness specifically on them, to open up for yourself the reasons behind them coming up, that would be of assistance to you to move through this point more effectively, being that you have an awareness of them, makes it a bit more easier to correct, where most do not.

Thanks for your time.

Carlton



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Daniel Martinez
Posts: 59
Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Daniel Martinez » 25 Oct 2017, 01:25

i keep thinking that if I just manage to have sex with a girl, or maybe even a guy, that I would like almost transcend the mind, since I have a severe problem of isolation and addiction to masturbation to picture images on drugs. I've only had "sex" once and I was not comfortable and I didn't feel attracted to that girl, so I just tried to ejaculate as fast as I could to finish, which was like 5 minutes or 10. that was like 9 years ago. can anyone share some perspective on this?



Marlen
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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Postby Marlen » 27 Oct 2017, 04:49

Hi Daniel,

Have you considered asking yourself what is it that you are really looking for here with your question? There's really no one here that is able to tell you what to do or not to do, it seems as if you're looking for approval to follow a path that you already know can be worked out by stopping fueling your desires, fantasies and addictions. Therefore I invite you to reconsider altogether what is it that you are aiming at with posting this information here on how to not support you, but how to further your addictions, that means also doing what has been suggested to you by Carlton as well.

So it's entirely up to you to see what you decide to do and what you follow in your own mind, this forum is to share support to walk through these points, therefore, where do you stand in relation to that, are you willing to actually invest the time it takes to support yourself or not?

You can ask yourself this before writing it out, see what it is that you are aiming at here with asking for support, what kind of support are you first willing to do and walk for yourself and according to that, then consider the kind of questions you are placing here and realizing that we are not here to give perspectives on what you can do, can only give perspectives on the writing process you are - or haven't yet decided - to do for yourself.




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