writing myself to freedom

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Daniel Martinez
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Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

list of justifications I give myself to continue my addiction:

I wana do it. I'm scared. fuck life, life is like meaningless/worthless/ I need it to have something good as a cope mechanism. I cant stop it. but I fuckin love it so much. this time I can do it better. fuck existence. it's just automatic preprograming, so lets do it. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm fuckin anxious. I'm frustrated. this is going to be the last time. I'm just not going to stop this, I don't care. its just for right now, ill change later, I know it. I love the meat. I like to be enslaved. I wana get raped. without it theres no meaning to life really. I was destined to be a failure, too bad.
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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

10/23/17

I realize the importance in self trust in walking one's process. Self trust is like essential because that's the first step as the foundation over/upon which self fuckin moves/exists. Once one is able to walk one's process within/as a relationship whit/to self - that is more supportive and in fact effective. One must trust oneself in order to actually take a step. to me self trust is equal and one with self honesty. one can only really trust oneself if one is self honest.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the essence of who I really am as life is within self trust.

I commit myself to - when and as I see myself walking my process and/or walking my process but being unstable, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the essence of myself/self is self trust. therefore I commit myself to walk my process to life within self trust.
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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

10/23/17

I just read heavensjourneytolife blog post day 41 - "temptation is not damnation?" out loud.

here heaven speaks about how one has sold one's soul to the devil as a deal for eternal positive energy experience as the survival of one's temptation which is also the survival of one's fear of loss. ...Even though i experience resistance to focus on this point because i as the mind says that i'm not going to stop taking drugs today as a change - what i realized earlier today is that one/i can have a realization that changes one's life in some way to some extent - unexpectedly. in other words, it's best for self/myself to dare to take on a point within the starting point of self honesty even when/though one/I believes and has made the decision that one will not stop for example consuming drugs and masturbating to picture images today. because one can experience a realization/change that one could not have expected. and I also realized today the ABSOLUTE empowerment that exist within the words of "for accepting and allowing myself to" as one does sf. in saying those words self honestly one is making the statement that one is absolutely completely responsible for oneself/self-responsible. and that is amazing because when one makes that statement/says those words self honestly one can experience what one couldnt imagine/conceive such as for example releasing an energy that one believed one couldn't release, because one is actualy really the creator of it and self-responsible.

at the moment i am not pushing the drug/masturbation to picture images addiction away and not participating in it, but i am rather focusing on the cause/reason for that addiction. what am I trying to hide from by/through doing drugs and masturbating to picture images as addiction? I am trying to hide from facing myself as my fears and insecurities and anxiety and trauma, which is what starts to come up when i stop my participation in my masturbation to picture images on drugs addiction. I wana isolate myself because i freak out when i interact with other people. but i am actually applying for jobs now, and it's almost a done deal that i'm gona get hired at a peanut factury as i already went to the interview/orientation with the manager of the peanut factory. this is going to be very supportive for me because i am going to be commited, and i am going to be interacting with people all the time so i'm not going to be so isolated. it's also cool because if i do get hired i will be making a stable amount of money and i can use that money to support myself and my process with eqafe and dip and other things. so, i might still be doing drugs and masturbating but at the same time i am supporting myself to assist myself to get out of that mess by trying to get a job.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop participating in masturbating to picture images and doing drugs.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i cannot stop myself from taking drugs and masturbating to picture images.
i forgvie myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that since i am applying self forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to participate in masturbating to picture images on drugs - that that means that i will have to stop today, or/and even - that i will not have to stop today - for my self forgiveness to be self honest.

i commit myself to continue walking my process of self-realization through introspection as writing, applying self forgiveness, and self commitment/corrective statements. and i commit myself to continue reminding myself that i can breathe in awareness, and that that can actually make a diference.
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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Carlton »

Hey Daniel, thanks for sharing yourself, as a suggestion, in relations to your "List of Justifications you use to continue your addictions", I would say to take each one and apply Self-Forgiveness specifically on them, to open up for yourself the reasons behind them coming up, that would be of assistance to you to move through this point more effectively, being that you have an awareness of them, makes it a bit more easier to correct, where most do not.

Thanks for your time.

Carlton
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Daniel Martinez
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Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

i keep thinking that if I just manage to have sex with a girl, or maybe even a guy, that I would like almost transcend the mind, since I have a severe problem of isolation and addiction to masturbation to picture images on drugs. I've only had "sex" once and I was not comfortable and I didn't feel attracted to that girl, so I just tried to ejaculate as fast as I could to finish, which was like 5 minutes or 10. that was like 9 years ago. can anyone share some perspective on this?
Marlen
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Marlen »

Hi Daniel,

Have you considered asking yourself what is it that you are really looking for here with your question? There's really no one here that is able to tell you what to do or not to do, it seems as if you're looking for approval to follow a path that you already know can be worked out by stopping fueling your desires, fantasies and addictions. Therefore I invite you to reconsider altogether what is it that you are aiming at with posting this information here on how to not support you, but how to further your addictions, that means also doing what has been suggested to you by Carlton as well.

So it's entirely up to you to see what you decide to do and what you follow in your own mind, this forum is to share support to walk through these points, therefore, where do you stand in relation to that, are you willing to actually invest the time it takes to support yourself or not?

You can ask yourself this before writing it out, see what it is that you are aiming at here with asking for support, what kind of support are you first willing to do and walk for yourself and according to that, then consider the kind of questions you are placing here and realizing that we are not here to give perspectives on what you can do, can only give perspectives on the writing process you are - or haven't yet decided - to do for yourself.
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Daniel Martinez
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Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

sunday 8/12/18

i'm taking into consideration that the point of the addiction to masturbation to pictures on drugs keeps me in isolation, and in that isolation i am not able to coexist in this world with others. since i got out of the rehab center about 3 weeks ago i havent looked for a job, or worked on updating a blog to apply for dip sponsorship, n also i havent had sex and i've missed out on social gatherings where i was looking forward to interacting/socializing with and meeting girls, i'll even leave my mom's house (where i'm living) for a few days and stay out in the streets like a homeless person in the name of having my space to get all fucked up/ participating in my addiction, which implies isolation, up to now.

i take into consideration my resistance to stop participating in my addiction to walk a process of replacing that with a relationship with a girl, and i think "i don't wana give up my addiction to masturbation and drugs for a normal relationship to someone/ an agreement, because it's too good and an agrrement/relationship (or just having sex with other girls) wont be as good and i wont be satisfied". but then i ask myself if this is really so, and what comes up is that what i'm really resisting is facing/experiencing that great uncomfortability of facing and dealing with all those fears and insecurities i have in relation to being in a relationship with someone, and so instead i'd rather hide from facing that part of me that exist in me but that i don't want to deal with, in my addiction as isolation, isolated in my private little bubble.

so my addiction it has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction; it's more of a desire to remain in my comfort zone in isolation - as giving into (and justifying/validating) my resistance to facing parts of me that i am very uncomfortable and scared about.

(and i'd say all of that is/brings 'anxiety'). and that's all it is. ... it's where i face my paranoia. to face my paranoia is not possible in isolation, only out of it.

a question that comes up when trying to do the sf is - why do-i/would-i forgive myself for allowing such point? what does it mean?
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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

sunday 8/12/18

I'm taking into consideration that i've ruined my life (at least up to now) all for an urge that doesnt really exist; while eternal tranquility was waiting for me at the end of the storm all along.
i woke up and i felt calme and i didint experience an urge to masturbate or do drugs, and i remembered/realized that i've been busy throwing my life away extensively - and i regretted it.

there was a time when i was a young child where i wasnt like this. i was normal, and to coexist was normal for me. i could express myself with otyhers without fear or shame or hatred and genuinely.
but then somewhere along the line i had problems in asociating myself with the others. i remember i would spend time alone but i dont remember really why; meaning, i don't recall if it was out of a reaction/resistance.

i do look back and i dont remember myuch, but i take into consideration and likie guess that my isolation and/or reaction/resistance of fear towards others (or essentially towards myself) or shame of myself before others started in my early childhood when my cousin would bully me a lot; that or something in the way my mother would behave before/towards me when i was a young child/baby; or something in my genes/preprograming.

now'a days i like esentially feel extensively afraid of socializing/interacting with others as i feel extensively ashamed of myself.

i'm ashamed at what i've allowed myself to become. some of the things i'm ashamed of is - that i experience panic-attacks/paranoia, and that i don't know how to express myself apropriately with/towards others; like, i believe that i don't know how to act towards a girl to make her my girlfriend. i'm also ashamed of looking at others in the eyes. i'm very ashamed of how i walk all paranoid and stiff or unsmoothly or constricted, wherein i can't just move naturally. i'm ashamed of awkward silence. i'm ashamed that my body isin't as masculine looking as other guys. i'm ashamed that i have a belly even tho i'm skinny; and that i have a small chest (instead of a broad one); that i don't have a broad back/shoulders; that my arms are little; that sometimes i constantly have burgers in my nose from my allergies; that sometimes i have a lot of saliva inside my mouth; that sometimes i breathe thru my mouth cuz my nose is clogged; that sometimes i sneeze a lot.
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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

monday 8/13/18

"A Dream Of My Pain"

last night i had a dream where i was walking around the streets and i was freaking out in frustration. i was panicking and i was screaming and crying. one of the things i was feeling so distrubed about was that i felt very bad or asahmed or inconform (a very strong unacceptance) with the way i'd walk....., i hated it. i think i was even running thru the streets. and in the dream an interesting thing was that it wasnt really that the others were judging the way i'd walk, it was i who was reacting, resisting to.... accept myself,.... as i judge the way i'd walk and was sad, frustrated, desperate,... and like "burning alive"(so to speak) with/at the way i'd walk or the judgment i had of/about the way i'd walk.

i take into consideration that in my real life it's the same way. others mainly don't react to me, but it is I who is reacting. it is i who is creating this/ it is i who created this, who allowed this to be created / who allowed this to happen / who allowed myself to become this. i also take into consideration something i've considered/seen/realized before about my addiction to masturbation to picture images on drugs in/as isolation, and that is that i do it extensively and i feel very addicted because that same intensity is the intensity of my fear/frustration/panic and it's very overwhelming. i also take into consideration that even tho this addiction is unacceptable, it would be good/supportive if i am more comprehensive with myself, meaning that i realizing that dealing with my issues and the extensive fear/frustration/panic energy is something that is not easy and that my reactions to it are from a certain perspective 'normal'; so i shouldnt judge myself fro hiding from an extensive pain/panic/fear that is very painful and overwhelming, but rather be comprehensive and work with/towards solutions.

i take into consideration that deep down the pain is very extensive (similar or the same as it was in my dream) even tho i don't see it/ perceive it a lot of the time in my conscious mind - as it is suppressed; i mean that's what i do with my addiction - i suppress my pain.

the question now is - how did i create this and how am i continuing to create it? I'm not sure/ i don't know - how i've created this, but i'd like to invest on eqafe to support myself. i'm interested in the paranoia series and the masturbation series.

i forgive myself that i allowed myself to masturbate to picture images/porn on drugs to isolate myself and not have to face myself/ my fear / my mind.

i forgive myself that i've allowed myself to give my will away to picture images/porn/masturbation/drugs.

i remember a quote i read some time ago that basically said that we are able to change if we know ourselves and understand ourselves enough.

the solution/conclusion that i come to here (at least for now) is that i need to LEARN in order to free myself. i need to be willing to learn.

i commit myself to make an effort to invest my time/money on learning, especially from desteni (dip, eqafe, etc).
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Daniel Martinez
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Joined: 22 Aug 2017, 19:25

Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

thursday 8/16/18

today i woke up and almost imideately i started thinking o 2 girls i saw yesterday that i liked. ... then i started thinking about sex and desiring to masturbate. then i masturbated, and when i ejaculated there imideately was thoughts saying "damn it i masturbated again, this is not good .......". but then i let the thoughts go and i stopped them and i realized those thoughts where not doing anything, meaning - they are not nessesary. reacting wasnt nessesary. i believed that it was a bad thing what i had done but then when i stop the thoughts i realize i have not reazon to worry, as the worrying in itself is not making a difference / is not stopping anything / is not changing anything. it's just me torturing myself in/with lamentation.

maybe, more important than whether i fall or am cynical throughout the day and i saw a chance but i didin't use it and etc, what is more important and significant/relevant is that at the end of the day i take time to sit down and in self honesty do some sf.

another not is that earlier when i did sf i saw that as far as the guilt that comes up when i try to do sf which seems to be very deep, that i can still see even beyond that reaction a more stable/clear starting point. so in otherwords, that sf is not impossible for me.

.... i forgive myself for allowing myself to react with anger, self judgment, and guilt/shame, judging myself as a bad person for not seeing it in me that i'm willing to stop masturbation to pictures on drugs addiction, not realizing that there's no such thing as a bad person, meaning that if i could see enough how/why this is happening i would stop/change because that's just the nature of existance/life. therefore it's a matter of me making/dedicating space/time to sit down and work on this thru wriring/sf/self corrective application trial and error - as to specify myself more and more till i eventually specify myself to self honesty.

i commit myself to make space/time to do this, and not judge myself if sometimes i'm not as constant/consistant as i think i odd to be.
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