Laura writings

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Laura Nuñez
Posts: 84
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 20:10

Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 28 Sep 2017, 00:43

<t>Ok, I haven't written here for not months, years. I just need to, every time I come back to my action of writing comes from a moment of desperation, like I just told my partner bad things , things that affected the relationship, me, and the thing is, I can't continue like this, and every time I see I just have to change, and I know the way to go to change, but I just like disregard it. So my action here is my point of self change self movement, because I can't trust my emotions, my mind, I haven't been able to even trust myself. There's been lately this situations where I've seen that I don't do what's best for me, and I've faced the consequences, and it's like why the fuck did I do that? So, for example, I prices my work in a very low price for some people I met that wanted my services in design, and they told me they had not much money, but I priced so low that even they said: thank you for putting it so low! And I've seen the consequences on it this past days where I've seen the time and effort I have to put on my work and services, and it's like I didn't consider myself at all.

Today, I had another thing that came up which was so much anger, I told my partner that he should kill me, and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine my partner killing me and to have such images in my mind, where I imagine he kills me with a knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have the nature of destroyer, of being a destroyer of myself and my life and others lives, where I can see that because of my words, actions, thoughts, I have been destroying my life, slowly but surely, the life within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my actions have no consequences, because people around me will take care of me, not seeing that I'm creating situations to show myself that what I do has consequences, but I'm doing it to punish myself because of not having seen that before, and because of not having changed, not being humble to myself to see that I haven't lived the tools of self change in moments where I could have changed in not participating in doing things that were not good for me, but actually doing things that were good for me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hold anger towards myself because of seeing how I have destroyed myself, my life, the life essence within me, my self direction, my self love and self care. I see I become emotional when I write that out, so it means that it's a mind fuck in essence, a pattern, of me becoming sad about seeing what I've done to myself



Marlen
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Re: Laura writings

Postby Marlen » 28 Sep 2017, 17:33

Hi Laura,

It is a point of self honesty to come to see what you've come to create in your life, so I'd suggest that you then focus on taking on these points to a correction, that's what the self-corrective statements and commitments are for, otherwise self-forgiveness becomes a way to rehash the same images with emotional attachment leading to no clear solution.

This means that you can already see some key words there that you've explained you haven't yet lived as yourself. For now they are words just written there, but if you write and specify what would those words mean in relationship to you, towards your work, towards your personal relationships, you can then start establishing solutions. This will be easier to do once that you first lay out more self-forgiveness on any other emotional point like images, thoughts, ideas you've been building around yourself, your life, your experience so that you can lay it all out, see it for what it is and then work on writing out the solutions.

A last point is to not judge yourself for what you are going through, it is certainly tough to come to realize what we've become at certain points in our lives, however, going into anger, blame, judgment or anything else only adds up another layer of emotion to clear up. So, with having said this, I suggest focusing more on laying out the solutions as you see yourself actually being able to live them in your day to day.

As for the nature of imaginations, consider that it's about understanding the experience you are creating behind them, not to take the imagery you are describing literal, but more identifying the emotions behind it so that you can self-forgive the emotional experience within those images, so that you can walk that through self forgiveness and laying out the corrections as suggested above.

There's also a couple of supportive interviews in relation to this nature of 'violent thoughts' and how to support yourself with those here
Demons in the Afterlife - Part 18+19

Cool you decided to write again, and continue sharing back as you go opening up more in relation to your experience.



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Laura Nuñez
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 20:10

Re: Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 30 Sep 2017, 22:24

Thank you so much Marlen for your response.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear being creative in my life, because I know self creation and living the word Creation is me finding the solutions, living the solutions, and I see that when I start writing I want to find the problems, the emotions, to forgive them, and the mind patterns, but when I look within me in search of what to write about I don't find anything in particular and I stop my process of writing, instead of giving myself the time and space to write patiently and allowing myself to open up the points in self honesty that I know I have to follow up, as I have red flagged them within me, and I know what I have to change,correct, check, investigate, write about, share, open up, clear and solve.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to wait for a moment of despair to arrive for me to come back to sharing my process and to open up myself to walking process as I have seen mostly by the example of others that it is the way to go to keep it as a grounding tool to clear oneself and keep track of ones self honesty. Yet, regardless of knowing that, I allow for time to past, days, weeks, months, years, until I continue writing, because I've become addicted to getting overwhelmed by energy and going into conflict and friction and energy peaks, where I use that as an excuse to get energy out in a form of lashing out, yelling, being angry, being an ashole, as that creates conflict within my relationships, and it keeps me in the same point without any change, so I remain trapped in limitation, as in essence I fear myself and what I see I get to do.



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Laura Nuñez
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Re: Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 02 Oct 2017, 00:35

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to charge for a small amount of money for my job, because of believing I'm not good at it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to when I was cleaning the house with my partner, started saying that I don't want to be alive. It came when I woke up this memory of me asking for a low price for my job, and it continued the entire day, me feeling bad about that, thinking I'm going to become blind because of working many hours in front of the computer, me thinking I'm going to become nuts because I am in a mind possessed state about this point of determining who I am by money and by the anger of having asked for a little amount of money.

Who I was today was very emotional, throwing tantrums like a child, feeling discomfort about my situation at that job, because it is the first job I have here in Spain, as a freelance, and it was my opportunity to earn money from my work, but I feel there are more bad things about it than good things, as what I am charging is too low.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about superstitions that I have in my mind of thinking that because I charged low in my first job here, that it will mean bad things for me in my future jobs here.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to scream to my partner when we're cleaning the house as I think somehow it is his fault that I was not aware when I made the prizing paper to my clients, and in self honesty I can see that I allowed for time to pass by until I finally made the prizing paper.



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Laura Nuñez
Posts: 84
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 20:10

Re: Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 14 Nov 2017, 12:35

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to be aware of the immense amount of stress I'm putting my body into, because of suppressing my self expression in writing, or should I say in not writing, which is where I am not self honest in not looking into and investigating all the points I have within me in my mind, body and beingness, that I have been holding onto.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't call someone who I have recently rejected his or her call, because of thinking that I'm too nervous to make a phone call to people in general, and specifically to people I have deals with, regarding to work and compromises.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of nervousness when making a phone call, because of believing I have many points that I have to investigate and Change before making that phone call, instead of seeing that making it is one of the points to change with physical action and self movement.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people may ask of me as compromises, as work services, as designs, and for specific days of completion and delivery, as I fear not being able to accomplish what others tell me to do.

I commit myself to make phone calls when necessary, transcending the fear of communication, the fear of being nervous, the nervousness in itself, and the fear of compromises with others.

I commit myself to whenever and as I see myself being nervous because of others communicating with me, and wanting us to get into a contract, a compromise, a job compromise, etc, to stop, breath, and see that I am able to walk through the resistance and fears that come up and move myself within anything that needs to be done.



Marlen
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Re: Laura writings

Postby Marlen » 16 Nov 2017, 17:36

Cool Laura, in addition to that you can also look at how to keep track of the jobs you can commit to do and the time it will take, so that you can also prevent having to be stressed out and not being able to keep up with it, which seems to also be the origin of nervousness as in having taken more than you could deal with. However, not to judge ourselves for testing out what we are able/capable to get to, we can always learn from these situations so,you can have a look at also laying out a practical plan of how to schedule your time-frames for getting certain design jobs done so that your customers are also aware of realistic time-frames in terms of your services, so that's a suggestion that can prevent and alleviate some of the pressure

Take care




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