Laura writings

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Laura Nuñez
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 20:10

Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 28 Sep 2017, 00:43

<t>Ok, I haven't written here for not months, years. I just need to, every time I come back to my action of writing comes from a moment of desperation, like I just told my partner bad things , things that affected the relationship, me, and the thing is, I can't continue like this, and every time I see I just have to change, and I know the way to go to change, but I just like disregard it. So my action here is my point of self change self movement, because I can't trust my emotions, my mind, I haven't been able to even trust myself. There's been lately this situations where I've seen that I don't do what's best for me, and I've faced the consequences, and it's like why the fuck did I do that? So, for example, I prices my work in a very low price for some people I met that wanted my services in design, and they told me they had not much money, but I priced so low that even they said: thank you for putting it so low! And I've seen the consequences on it this past days where I've seen the time and effort I have to put on my work and services, and it's like I didn't consider myself at all.

Today, I had another thing that came up which was so much anger, I told my partner that he should kill me, and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine my partner killing me and to have such images in my mind, where I imagine he kills me with a knife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have the nature of destroyer, of being a destroyer of myself and my life and others lives, where I can see that because of my words, actions, thoughts, I have been destroying my life, slowly but surely, the life within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my actions have no consequences, because people around me will take care of me, not seeing that I'm creating situations to show myself that what I do has consequences, but I'm doing it to punish myself because of not having seen that before, and because of not having changed, not being humble to myself to see that I haven't lived the tools of self change in moments where I could have changed in not participating in doing things that were not good for me, but actually doing things that were good for me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hold anger towards myself because of seeing how I have destroyed myself, my life, the life essence within me, my self direction, my self love and self care. I see I become emotional when I write that out, so it means that it's a mind fuck in essence, a pattern, of me becoming sad about seeing what I've done to myself



Marlen
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Re: Laura writings

Postby Marlen » 28 Sep 2017, 17:33

Hi Laura,

It is a point of self honesty to come to see what you've come to create in your life, so I'd suggest that you then focus on taking on these points to a correction, that's what the self-corrective statements and commitments are for, otherwise self-forgiveness becomes a way to rehash the same images with emotional attachment leading to no clear solution.

This means that you can already see some key words there that you've explained you haven't yet lived as yourself. For now they are words just written there, but if you write and specify what would those words mean in relationship to you, towards your work, towards your personal relationships, you can then start establishing solutions. This will be easier to do once that you first lay out more self-forgiveness on any other emotional point like images, thoughts, ideas you've been building around yourself, your life, your experience so that you can lay it all out, see it for what it is and then work on writing out the solutions.

A last point is to not judge yourself for what you are going through, it is certainly tough to come to realize what we've become at certain points in our lives, however, going into anger, blame, judgment or anything else only adds up another layer of emotion to clear up. So, with having said this, I suggest focusing more on laying out the solutions as you see yourself actually being able to live them in your day to day.

As for the nature of imaginations, consider that it's about understanding the experience you are creating behind them, not to take the imagery you are describing literal, but more identifying the emotions behind it so that you can self-forgive the emotional experience within those images, so that you can walk that through self forgiveness and laying out the corrections as suggested above.

There's also a couple of supportive interviews in relation to this nature of 'violent thoughts' and how to support yourself with those here
Demons in the Afterlife - Part 18+19

Cool you decided to write again, and continue sharing back as you go opening up more in relation to your experience.



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Laura Nuñez
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Re: Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 30 Sep 2017, 22:24

Thank you so much Marlen for your response.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear being creative in my life, because I know self creation and living the word Creation is me finding the solutions, living the solutions, and I see that when I start writing I want to find the problems, the emotions, to forgive them, and the mind patterns, but when I look within me in search of what to write about I don't find anything in particular and I stop my process of writing, instead of giving myself the time and space to write patiently and allowing myself to open up the points in self honesty that I know I have to follow up, as I have red flagged them within me, and I know what I have to change,correct, check, investigate, write about, share, open up, clear and solve.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to wait for a moment of despair to arrive for me to come back to sharing my process and to open up myself to walking process as I have seen mostly by the example of others that it is the way to go to keep it as a grounding tool to clear oneself and keep track of ones self honesty. Yet, regardless of knowing that, I allow for time to past, days, weeks, months, years, until I continue writing, because I've become addicted to getting overwhelmed by energy and going into conflict and friction and energy peaks, where I use that as an excuse to get energy out in a form of lashing out, yelling, being angry, being an ashole, as that creates conflict within my relationships, and it keeps me in the same point without any change, so I remain trapped in limitation, as in essence I fear myself and what I see I get to do.



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Laura Nuñez
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Re: Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 02 Oct 2017, 00:35

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to charge for a small amount of money for my job, because of believing I'm not good at it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to when I was cleaning the house with my partner, started saying that I don't want to be alive. It came when I woke up this memory of me asking for a low price for my job, and it continued the entire day, me feeling bad about that, thinking I'm going to become blind because of working many hours in front of the computer, me thinking I'm going to become nuts because I am in a mind possessed state about this point of determining who I am by money and by the anger of having asked for a little amount of money.

Who I was today was very emotional, throwing tantrums like a child, feeling discomfort about my situation at that job, because it is the first job I have here in Spain, as a freelance, and it was my opportunity to earn money from my work, but I feel there are more bad things about it than good things, as what I am charging is too low.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about superstitions that I have in my mind of thinking that because I charged low in my first job here, that it will mean bad things for me in my future jobs here.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to scream to my partner when we're cleaning the house as I think somehow it is his fault that I was not aware when I made the prizing paper to my clients, and in self honesty I can see that I allowed for time to pass by until I finally made the prizing paper.



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Laura Nuñez
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Re: Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 14 Nov 2017, 12:35

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to be aware of the immense amount of stress I'm putting my body into, because of suppressing my self expression in writing, or should I say in not writing, which is where I am not self honest in not looking into and investigating all the points I have within me in my mind, body and beingness, that I have been holding onto.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't call someone who I have recently rejected his or her call, because of thinking that I'm too nervous to make a phone call to people in general, and specifically to people I have deals with, regarding to work and compromises.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of nervousness when making a phone call, because of believing I have many points that I have to investigate and Change before making that phone call, instead of seeing that making it is one of the points to change with physical action and self movement.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people may ask of me as compromises, as work services, as designs, and for specific days of completion and delivery, as I fear not being able to accomplish what others tell me to do.

I commit myself to make phone calls when necessary, transcending the fear of communication, the fear of being nervous, the nervousness in itself, and the fear of compromises with others.

I commit myself to whenever and as I see myself being nervous because of others communicating with me, and wanting us to get into a contract, a compromise, a job compromise, etc, to stop, breath, and see that I am able to walk through the resistance and fears that come up and move myself within anything that needs to be done.



Marlen
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Re: Laura writings

Postby Marlen » 16 Nov 2017, 17:36

Cool Laura, in addition to that you can also look at how to keep track of the jobs you can commit to do and the time it will take, so that you can also prevent having to be stressed out and not being able to keep up with it, which seems to also be the origin of nervousness as in having taken more than you could deal with. However, not to judge ourselves for testing out what we are able/capable to get to, we can always learn from these situations so,you can have a look at also laying out a practical plan of how to schedule your time-frames for getting certain design jobs done so that your customers are also aware of realistic time-frames in terms of your services, so that's a suggestion that can prevent and alleviate some of the pressure

Take care



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Laura Nuñez
Posts: 87
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 20:10

Re: Laura writings

Postby Laura Nuñez » 24 Feb 2018, 00:08

I am going to work with an emotion of depression I'm having, and it's been already too long with it. My head is in pain right now, in my left eye.

Fears I'm currently facing are: I don't have a job.
And also, fear of getting a job, because I'm from Colombia, and in Spain people speaks differently, and that difference in the sound of spanish we have has always been a problem for me,the way I communicate, I see how I'm limiting my self expression, I suppress my speech, my own sharing of my voice, my words, because I have a different accent. And I see I'm judging myself, like thinking they are not going to understand me, and yes, many times thinking they speak better than me.

I will open this up more later, but for now, speaking about me wanting a job, but at the same time being in conflict because of living in Spain, and me being from Colombia and having a different accent, and like, okay I've been in like 9 interviews, and like waiting to see if something comes, focusing on graphic design, but also looking for other things, but I don't have working experience in anything else, just graphic design, I have experience in it of one year. And as leisure and free time monitor, but I just have a one month experience in that :shock:

I'm waiting to see if any of the jobs I applied to will be for me. And today I received the news that one of the jobs is not going to be for me.

but like all jobs I have seen are paid just a little bit above the minimum wage, and they are lots of hours, and in graphic design, it consists in me being in front of the computer, sitting, and what I see in that is abuse towards the body. Once I read from a member of the group that we get money in change of our time, which is, with our lives. And it's true, like the way work works is not working.

But, I have to find a job, because I am living from my savings, and although me and my partner are not paying rent, because we are living in the house of his uncles and they don't want us to pay, we will have to find a place for ourselves very soon. His uncles live in Canarias and we're here while I find a job, my partner is working but not earning much money at the moment.

I have been holding emotions inside of me, like sadness, because of the past and mistakes I made. One of them being that I didn't communicate with people from my university that I wanted to communicate with, when I was studying arts in Spain. And I started holding emotions inside, like fear, anxiety, stress, and desire of talking to them. But the excuses were like "I don't have anything to say to them, or to share". But mostly it was like "I will get nervous, so I won't even try". And "there are more important things that I must look at, like Desteni, I have to investigate Desteni, and the mind and what they're talking about. But I used Desteni as like an excuse to go home and investigate it, rather than giving myself the opportunity to know people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use Desteni as a shield to not gather with people to share randomn things, because I was preoccupied with the mind and how it works, and like investigating Desteni, not being self honest in that I was justifying my fear of talking with people.

Okay so throughout the years I've been following Desteni, and I say following because I have not continued participating with the group or even continuing with my processor change, of bettering myself. If anything, I've been allowing emotions to grow inside of me. I have continued participating in things that create consequences in me and my life.

I'll start from the begining:

I found Desteni because I was searching for videos about the Mayan calendar and 2012, because I spent like one year believing in that, and in energies chakras, and mantras and meditation, and yoga.

Seeing Sunette and the videos, was an immediate finding of what a huge discovery it was. And I continued watching, and shared it with my mother, and people around, and I wanted everyone to see and hear and become so I tested, as I did.

But it didn't happen, I was faced with rejection about it, and I had to face what we have created as like this wall in front of us like defending our ideas and beliefs and like the mind and the idea we have about life, and the system, and what thoughts are, the feelings, emotions... What's going on in earth! But go have turned around, and I'm facing all of that inside of me, all of that resistance to change, all of those walls and personalities that prevent me from seeing my potential, my steps to take to change.

And I m faced with crying extensively. And it all starts from fear, I have seen the fear I have, of me, of change, of facing the things I have judged about myself.

Writing is the one step that I've always seen how it supports myself, like a constant, like a platform which I can use to free myself from those fears, to see them in real time as I write and to see that they're only existing in my mind, and I'm creating them with my mind.

Yet, I've suppressed that potential in me, and I haven't continued writing, because of fear of changing myself, in essence, and I've used the fear of sharing my writings as a justification to not write, because what I've been doing is to write in secret of others like just keeping it to myself, and it is difficult to follow like an order.

Now that I started writing this down, my stomach started hurting. I want to create a plan for myself to write, write and write. My expression is here as I write, I remember all other writings I've read from others who have supported the,selves by writing, and how they unconditionally wrote down themselves in words, and how by me reading that I understood that it is by allowing oneself the fluency of writing that one can get to the points. Many times I see I step into stones and I don't know how to continue putting words together, and that's also an excuse I've used to like not continue writing,.

Another thing that comes up a lot in me when I write is tiredness and wanting to go to sleep.

Thanks to Gian and everyone who has shared their proceses with similar points, and given perspectives and answers, and I realize it's completely up to me to change, to wake up when the alarm sounds, to continue my process and to move myself to change.




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