I am going to work with an emotion of depression I'm having, and it's been already too long with it. My head is in pain right now, in my left eye.
Fears I'm currently facing are: I don't have a job.
And also, fear of getting a job, because I'm from Colombia, and in Spain people speaks differently, and that difference in the sound of spanish we have has always been a problem for me,the way I communicate, I see how I'm limiting my self expression, I suppress my speech, my own sharing of my voice, my words, because I have a different accent. And I see I'm judging myself, like thinking they are not going to understand me, and yes, many times thinking they speak better than me.
I will open this up more later, but for now, speaking about me wanting a job, but at the same time being in conflict because of living in Spain, and me being from Colombia and having a different accent, and like, okay I've been in like 9 interviews, and like waiting to see if something comes, focusing on graphic design, but also looking for other things, but I don't have working experience in anything else, just graphic design, I have experience in it of one year. And as leisure and free time monitor, but I just have a one month experience in that
I'm waiting to see if any of the jobs I applied to will be for me. And today I received the news that one of the jobs is not going to be for me.
but like all jobs I have seen are paid just a little bit above the minimum wage, and they are lots of hours, and in graphic design, it consists in me being in front of the computer, sitting, and what I see in that is abuse towards the body. Once I read from a member of the group that we get money in change of our time, which is, with our lives. And it's true, like the way work works is not working.
But, I have to find a job, because I am living from my savings, and although me and my partner are not paying rent, because we are living in the house of his uncles and they don't want us to pay, we will have to find a place for ourselves very soon. His uncles live in Canarias and we're here while I find a job, my partner is working but not earning much money at the moment.
I have been holding emotions inside of me, like sadness, because of the past and mistakes I made. One of them being that I didn't communicate with people from my university that I wanted to communicate with, when I was studying arts in Spain. And I started holding emotions inside, like fear, anxiety, stress, and desire of talking to them. But the excuses were like "I don't have anything to say to them, or to share". But mostly it was like "I will get nervous, so I won't even try". And "there are more important things that I must look at, like Desteni, I have to investigate Desteni, and the mind and what they're talking about. But I used Desteni as like an excuse to go home and investigate it, rather than giving myself the opportunity to know people.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use Desteni as a shield to not gather with people to share randomn things, because I was preoccupied with the mind and how it works, and like investigating Desteni, not being self honest in that I was justifying my fear of talking with people.
Okay so throughout the years I've been following Desteni, and I say following because I have not continued participating with the group or even continuing with my processor change, of bettering myself. If anything, I've been allowing emotions to grow inside of me. I have continued participating in things that create consequences in me and my life.
I'll start from the begining:
I found Desteni because I was searching for videos about the Mayan calendar and 2012, because I spent like one year believing in that, and in energies chakras, and mantras and meditation, and yoga.
Seeing Sunette and the videos, was an immediate finding of what a huge discovery it was. And I continued watching, and shared it with my mother, and people around, and I wanted everyone to see and hear and become so I tested, as I did.
But it didn't happen, I was faced with rejection about it, and I had to face what we have created as like this wall in front of us like defending our ideas and beliefs and like the mind and the idea we have about life, and the system, and what thoughts are, the feelings, emotions... What's going on in earth! But go have turned around, and I'm facing all of that inside of me, all of that resistance to change, all of those walls and personalities that prevent me from seeing my potential, my steps to take to change.
And I m faced with crying extensively. And it all starts from fear, I have seen the fear I have, of me, of change, of facing the things I have judged about myself.
Writing is the one step that I've always seen how it supports myself, like a constant, like a platform which I can use to free myself from those fears, to see them in real time as I write and to see that they're only existing in my mind, and I'm creating them with my mind.
Yet, I've suppressed that potential in me, and I haven't continued writing, because of fear of changing myself, in essence, and I've used the fear of sharing my writings as a justification to not write, because what I've been doing is to write in secret of others like just keeping it to myself, and it is difficult to follow like an order.
Now that I started writing this down, my stomach started hurting. I want to create a plan for myself to write, write and write. My expression is here as I write, I remember all other writings I've read from others who have supported the,selves by writing, and how they unconditionally wrote down themselves in words, and how by me reading that I understood that it is by allowing oneself the fluency of writing that one can get to the points. Many times I see I step into stones and I don't know how to continue putting words together, and that's also an excuse I've used to like not continue writing,.
Another thing that comes up a lot in me when I write is tiredness and wanting to go to sleep.
Thanks to Gian and everyone who has shared their proceses with similar points, and given perspectives and answers, and I realize it's completely up to me to change, to wake up when the alarm sounds, to continue my process and to move myself to change.