<t>Ok, I haven't written here for not months, years. I just need to, every time I come back to my action of writing comes from a moment of desperation, like I just told my partner bad things , things that affected the relationship, me, and the thing is, I can't continue like this, and every time I see I just have to change, and I know the way to go to change, but I just like disregard it. So my action here is my point of self change self movement, because I can't trust my emotions, my mind, I haven't been able to even trust myself. There's been lately this situations where I've seen that I don't do what's best for me, and I've faced the consequences, and it's like why the fuck did I do that? So, for example, I prices my work in a very low price for some people I met that wanted my services in design, and they told me they had not much money, but I priced so low that even they said: thank you for putting it so low! And I've seen the consequences on it this past days where I've seen the time and effort I have to put on my work and services, and it's like I didn't consider myself at all.
Today, I had another thing that came up which was so much anger, I told my partner that he should kill me, and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine my partner killing me and to have such images in my mind, where I imagine he kills me with a knife.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have the nature of destroyer, of being a destroyer of myself and my life and others lives, where I can see that because of my words, actions, thoughts, I have been destroying my life, slowly but surely, the life within me.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my actions have no consequences, because people around me will take care of me, not seeing that I'm creating situations to show myself that what I do has consequences, but I'm doing it to punish myself because of not having seen that before, and because of not having changed, not being humble to myself to see that I haven't lived the tools of self change in moments where I could have changed in not participating in doing things that were not good for me, but actually doing things that were good for me.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hold anger towards myself because of seeing how I have destroyed myself, my life, the life essence within me, my self direction, my self love and self care. I see I become emotional when I write that out, so it means that it's a mind fuck in essence, a pattern, of me becoming sad about seeing what I've done to myself