Márton's writings

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Szabó Márton
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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Szabó Márton » 04 Oct 2012, 22:41

Day 108: Physical Evidence
originally written on paper on 2012-09-28 before 21:45

The days flow, the events follow each other, things happen all the time, and the more aware I am the more "in sinch" I am with the physical. when i allow myself to just "go with the flow" I do not do my responsibilities, and this is Luxury I can't afford. yes having connections, shareing myself and investigateing Life as it flows is useful, but never from a separated mind perspective!
While i was aligning myself with others, I let my responsibilities and made up justifications and lies to keep it "cool".
Anything I do in process that does not have a physical evidence is the same as it didn't happenned.
this is why this can't be done "in the mind" because that is the opposite of the physical. So living and physical application IS all what is a clear sign of REAL CHANGE.
Day 109: A Commitment...
originally written on paper on 2012-09-29 before 22:12

...is always a commitment. If i have committed myself to something even if at that moment I can't see the flaws of it, I still have to keep it (as best i am physically able to edit)otherwise I would just speak to nothingness.
So when the moment comes to keep myself to one, I see this character come up with justifications, while physically I can do it. So here I test myself all the time if I keep what i have committed myself or not.
So I utilize BREATH and push on to do them, like here i've written this small post, to write every day.
Day 110:Standing once again
I have been falling all the time in the last month...not failing but "lost" myself in aligning myself with the changed situation/enviroment and thus just acted like a death-scared animal in a forest fire. running around amok in my thoughts and systems trying to find the best possible solution FOR MYSELF ONLY which made me neglect myself and plenty of my worked points, so this shows that i had my buttons pressed and i do reacted to them.

Yes i took more responsibilities, have more things to do while learning at the school here too, having to manage my time more effectively to meet my requirements, yet this is about if i can show myself that i am who i am in every situation. all that are only reactions to certain elements are only energy-driven reactions and NOT self-committed self-directed movements/walking. So i had plenty of this and i do realise myself while doing it. so i begin a journey of point by point, working on them and walking them out till nothing else but me remains. while always considering what is best for all.

So here i stand and reinforce myself that i am walking the writing every day, working on my process every day, applying the tools of self-forgiveness, and self-correction every day, doing my school responsibilities, doing my process responsibilities and also allowing myself to learn other things like german and guitar. yes i know i only have 18 or so hours/day but it's more than enough!

and one more thing that is absolutely certain: I am not turning back or stopping everything completely. not from pride or ego, nor the want to complete such things, but I am this, if i would not stand FOR MYSELF HERE, then i am not even slightly worth tham i am part of this existance...because abuse and doing nothing gets me to where noone comes back...only suffering and pain and endless cycles of insanity.
Day 111: the ONEs in the universe
When i look at myself, as a "one" universe, i see that actually this meaning of one thing is not really true at all.
I mean of course here is oneness which "binds us all together" because we are all one AND equal with and AS the universe/existance/ALL.

yet everywhere I look when there's one of something there is always "more" of it also. even infinitely more. like putting 1's after one another infinitely. and still you get 1 number as the addition of those.
As I grew up as a human organic robot, of course i have been told that if i SEE something that something is 1 thing. and even in all languages we have words for things that are only alone (A chair, An Elephant ect.) and we have different words for when we talk about more than 1 of those things.
so it's like a mental barrier like the sound-barrier and lightspeed-barrier that we either ON it or above or below.

mostly I used to think in the physical world in integers which means if there is some of a thing that is either one OR more. there exist no half water or half apple (because that is 1 apple which has less mass and a different form, ect.) so this is a barrier within below things don't exist. funny that even there is no such thing as a half-thought. or half-action.
and this clearly shows that in the physical universe and our mental realms everything is ONE and equal. because if it's not 1 or less than 1 it's not included in the equasion of reality.

and also quite funny that all humans have the addiction to get more...while all we need is ONE thing=ALL as one and equal.



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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Szabó Márton » 04 Oct 2012, 22:42

Day 112: Being dragged around
Plenty of times in my life i have allowed myself to condition myself according to many things, other's behaviour, reactions, enviromental factors, opportunity factors, boredness factors, excitement, just to name a few.

What i mean by conditioning myself is that i normally lived (which was of course based on my point of view, but it means i had lived in the restrictive nature and reactive behaviour i have developed trought the years) and then a moment comes where i see an opportunity to act differently, or see differently, or choose differently than i would "normally" do. So in those cases i set-up a new condition based on asumptions either BEFORE or AFTER the consequences of that particular out-stepping of the "normal" world of mine, and thus create a connection/relationship to that particular opportunity i accepted/rejected, and thus from there on based on sololey on that first encounter i LOCK myself into the position/decision i made and always do that. never ever really thinking or investigating the point or looking at what it causes for whom.

And i have plenty of these in me still, yet here i can see the opportunity beforehand, CONSIDER myself and the consequences and investigate if it's best-for-all or not and decide based upon that. ALSO i can see my automatic systems firing-up saying "Yep i know this one! this will end this way, that will end that way, so i do this because it worked thus far" basically also allowing the belief that the input of the situation will be the same thus the outcome must be the same.

of course here are plenty of *new opportunities which i heaven't categorized and automated yet, which is cool because in these i can skip that and start with considerations and looking at what is best for all, and actually direct myself in those points. of course many many points are related to each other so a new opportunity always touches an old system thus allowing for me to see/understand/realise and correct myself here and walk my process.

i see that it's not the easiest thing to do, and that here are A LOT of my conditionings which are not just abusing myself but also others, thus i have plenty of points to work on, one at a time.

When and as i go into deciding and acting based upon pre-defined values/ideas/methods/ways without considerations, i stop and breathe.
I realise that creating automatic patterns and using them are abuseing myself and not allowing me to see/understand and realise myself and the world as myself HERE.
I commit myself to always consider what is best for all upon decision making, and actually commit myself to my decisions, and at the same time never take a decision granted but use common sense to see the relations between things.



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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Szabó Márton » 06 Oct 2012, 00:05

Day 113: The power of the Moment.
Today i had to realise what awareness in the physical is really meaning, and what is the "use" of it.

I am glad that i can work with horses *for free*, i mean i have 1-2 riding sessions (45-60mins riding and more for other) per week, and while doing this the horses are really assisting and supporting me, and of course everyone equally, with any point we must face.


horse riding is an intense physical activity which requires both the attention and awareness of the horse and the rider. Either of these are missing and there will be consequences. i mean, it can be even serious as death of one or both participant.
The base-block of time in the physical is one moment, altough this is a bit flexible, because one moment can both mean a hundreth of a second and even 10-30 seconds too. so one moment is one inbreath/outbreath/hold, which of course can be varying in time yet it's still a stable amount. This time we have to consider not only the moment of the human, but also the moment of the horse. and when they move - based on their flight animal nature - horses breathe much faster and so their interval of one moment "shortens".

Animals are great teachers because they always show and stand as an example on how to be aware of every moment and being self-directive based on principle, and when riding horses I can really feel from up close how this works and can experience their physical actions and answers to the physical events around them. of course every animal is also an individual and based on their lifetime events and previous handling experience they will direct themselves differently, in the case of horses for example one horse can be really fearful and shy and running, while the other will not even move a muscle to the same enviromental condition.

The interesting thing is when riding horses, is that they allow a certain amount of direction from the rider, of course which is also based on the rider itself and it's application, and animals, especially horses are really good at knowing humans. but there are cases when they decide that they apparently knwo better, or see lack of direction from the rider so they act on their directive principles and don't care about the rider, other times they do this to make the rider aware of it's application, therefore reflecting back at it so he/she can see understand and realise it and make the possible corrections for the benefit of both.

forgiveness and correction comes in the next post...



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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Szabó Márton » 07 Oct 2012, 23:41

Day 114: Animals are REAL
this is a continuation of the previous post: Day 113: The Power of the Moment se that for context.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that animals are seperate from me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am superior to animals, because i can think.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought "i am more than an animal".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see understand and realise that in the physical i am actually weaker and/or more fragile than animals.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being less than animals.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear animals because i believe that i am inferior to them
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress my fear of inferiority by thinking and reacting that i am superior to animals.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise that all of my actions regarding animals were from the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being injured by an animal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fears onto animals and actually manifest them being agressive towards me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being killed by an animal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that animals can have intentions of killing me without me doing anything to them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realise that animals are here to reflect me back to myself and assist and support me wihtin and as my process whatever it takes.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear horses.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress my fear of horses with EGO
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to learn ways of defense & attack against animals from the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the information and knowledge of the anatomy of animals only to be able to defend myself and/or attack the animal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the attitude and fear of horses and animals from others like my parent's, my instructors and fellow kids.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy other's fears and attitudes towards horses/animals without considering what i take on and if that is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want a one-way communication with animals.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only one-way communication is possible with animals due to them being unable to speak in a language i can understand as spoken words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only project my wants onto the animals, thus manipulating them to do my will.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to project my will onto animals because i cannot will myself/direct myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force animals to do things instead of realising that i only compensate for me "not being able=not accepting and allowing myself" to direct myself here within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "working with horses" can only be done on horseback-while riding, thus any other activity is not considered working with them, but rather ON them such as cleaning and healthcare.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to precieve animals and horses as items/machines and not consider them being a living expression of life here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse animals because i act and define myself based on mind systems of fear/judment/projections.

of course there is passive(starving,pshyhic) and active(immediate pain,hurting,alive skinning) ABUSE,and there is even a term to humans behaviour:"you handle him/her as an animal" meaning that humans were always rough and abusive to animals.
it does not matter because EVERY for of abuse IS ABUSE! we should not allow any form of animal/horse abuse for any goal at all.

committment statements in the next post...



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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Marlen » 08 Oct 2012, 05:30

Hi Márton, thanks for sharing. Listening to the Animals' Life Reviews on Eqafe has allowed me to see to what extent we as humanity have been absolutely deluded in creating this sense of superiority within our minds while missing out the actual facts of how we can only create/ exist as such superiority if we abuse ourselves and this reality. Absolutely unacceptable and it is so as well I noticed, we suppress our fear with further ego such as 'disliking' a particular animal instead of facing the actual fear to get to a point of equality.



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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Szabó Márton » 10 Oct 2012, 00:51

Day 115: Committed as them.

i realised that when looking at animals that "so cool" feeling and admiration of animals comes from the fact that they are 100% committed in what they do, in every moment, and they are here to stand as an example on how to live by principle, therefore i will not allow myself to place/believe/precieve myself less than them, because that would be only self-lie, self-dishonestie because the fact is that we are all one and equal as all. and the animal kindom states very clearly that they do not accept nor allow such abuse of self and abuse of life. so here comes my commitments regarding the posts about earlier:

when and as i go into placing/believing/precieving myself less than/inferior to animals, i stop and breathe.
I realise that actually i am only lying to myself and creating more separation within and without myself, which is abuse of self.
I commit myself to stand and direct myself within and as the principles of oneness and equality regarding animals, furthermore i commit myself to show that animals are only here showing and stating to us that separation and inferiority/superiority cannot be allowed here.

when and as i go into fearing animals, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i'm not actually fearing animals but the fact that i could see/realise myself within and as them.
I commit myself to stand as one and equal to animals and always take the points what i see in their actions back to myself, and investigate, forgive, and correct the points till nothing else remains but oneness and equality within what is best for all.

when and as i go into supressing my thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears i stop and breathe.
I realise that supressing and hiding points only creates more separation and friction within me, that will eventually "burst out" tenfold which causes even more abuse to the physical.
I commit myself to show that supressing and hiding and lieing to myself is never best for anyone, therefore i commit myself to instead of supression, work on the points that come up while being with animals.

when and as i go into fearing getting hurt or being killed by an animal, i stop and breathe.
I realise that animals are only here to assist and support me wihtin my process of realising myself and committed to do everything they can to get this trough, and furthermore I realise that injuries and death by accident comes from self-abuse taken to an extreme level.
I commit myself to stand as that same support with and as myself as well with and as animals here.

when and as i go into projecting my thoughts/beliefes/fears onto another being, i stop and breathe.
I realise that by projecting to others i only manifest my own self-abuse outside of myself in separation creating friction within and without myself, thus abusing what is here.
I commit myself to show that projecting onto another and manipulation cannot be accepted in any way and will only cause the being projecting/manipulating to go trough serious consequences.

when and as i go into abusing another being based on my thoughts/feelings/emotions/whatever, i stop and breathe.
I realise that abusing other based on my own self-abuse DOES NOT solves the problem rather ESCALATES it and creates more friction and abuse thus it cannot be allowed.
I commit myself to investigate every point and action BEFORE i go into participating within them.

so abusing animals is never a solution to anything, they are here to reflect our abusive nature/behaviour, until they get their message trough. open your eyes and see what we as humanity accept and allow day by day! and we start with ourselves here and stand as the principle of what is best for all also in co-existing with animals.



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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Szabó Márton » 12 Oct 2012, 23:46

Day 116-117: THE LOVE of LIES
i do not make easy to pinpoint the day/moment i started to participate in this point...this again was kinda a smooth transition as all my major fuckups, yet there were key elements/moments that ensured that my actions cause my doom, and i can't even say that i was not aware of the possible consequences i create for myself yet i just did it.

as the title says it, I too accepted and allowed myself to fall for the greatest self-trap humanity has ever been in: "selfish love of another human".

in 2007 i was already an egoistic bullshitter, running amok on the internet, praying my stuff on chat-site in different magic-topicked rooms where i found the people to my liking- they were not afraid of strange things and all seeked answers to anything they could not understand. so there i went to watch them and after some time tell them what the fuck they are doing wrong and why things happen and that the world does not work as they THINK it is.
from a mind perspective it went great, because i dared to say what everyone knew but couldn't see in front of their nose...and thus made some friends this way, of course made a few enemies too because "they just wanted to know better".
of course there just happened to be a woman who were a bit more insecure within so she started to have converstaions with me, telling her story and her sad and miserable life, and i listened and read all that she wrote and given here and there some tips/advice to do in order to solve her issues. in that time i really also believed that i HAVE TO help those that i have reached because i must use my knowledge to create a better world by changing other people's lives by telling them what to do. :lol

Long story short we had many chats, for 4-5 months or so plenty of advice and pushing her to change herself, which kinda worked but never the way i planned because there were always some missed detail that changed everything that she didn't tell me. then after those chats-we were kinda silently agreed that we are friends and even met face to face, but that apart from it's weirdness didn't made that "kick-in" for me to fall in love.
there were one night altough which changed MANY things-maybe everything but still i can't see all the consequences of it.

that night, in fall, in 2009, we met again, because she came into the city to arrange some educational admissions, and she called me if i wanted to hang around. I said yes because i got tired of playing again, and felt alone, and were happy to be with a girl and just enjoy myself differently. so we went and ate at a FastFoodrestaurant had a pleasant chat and dinner together, then went for a walk while slowly we walked to her bus-stop for her trip home, i escorted her because she asked, and it was night, she feared and we used to, i escorted her for the 4-5th time.
so we got to the stop and the bus came, and she just turns to me and asked: "are you coming?"
phew that was the first ever moment when i felt all crazy inside out, all the facts and the pros and cons just literally filled my mind and i had an epic fight inside myself of whether i sould go or not 250Km away without any luggage or stuff just myself and the money i have, out of friendship. but i had no time, the bus was waiting, the line was going, i HAD TO answer. and i didn't want to let her down, and trash my image of being the best mentor she can find, and the one who knows-it-all. then suddenly a huge fear arose and put aside any other smaller ones (see forgivenesses) that "what if i say no and she will then end all relationship because i could not vote for her choice". and that fear decided everything: i said YES. i had the feeling of "this is no good" "i shouldn't do this running away untold uninformed trusting an insecure woman with my life" but that fear just win over it. i even voiced my anxiety about my grandma i lived with and that i have nothing with me, but of course she had an answer to everything that SOUDED nice. but this was not the love-starter one YET.
on the whole trip i was really anxious and nervous about the whole thing, even my phone was nerly dead so i turned it off without telling anyone i'm gone, and had only small bits and pieces of chat here and there. when we finally got there after 2-3hours of bustravel and hopped off at her house interestingly i changed into "well i'm here now, let's see what comes out of this situation!" and kinda got eager and looked forward on what will happen.

this was my first sleepover ever at another. i never had one while being a kid, i only went to camps and vacations with class and such but never a PJparty or anything. of course it was exciting and strange being 20 with a girl who is 25 in the same room after a fun night...wondered what could happen.
It was a cold night especially there, the air has even frosen on the windows, and it was around 18°C in the rooms (not much heating) so after some TV and late-dinner we wnet to bed...to the same bed...whoa man a day where i had plenty of first-timers at once. of course i was sparking with energy-i mean mentally.
so we got talking in the dark about some stuff and got closer and turned facing each other...and ended up kissing(again first time) not so hard just as a novice.
that was the peak moment and the start of my fall for a looong time.

of course my mind were just racing with information and thoughts and ideas and projections because all the time i tried to do what i always did "know what's coming for sure" i was so topped that i caught myself breathing heavily and kinda loosing my ground (before any action happened) then somehow the talking in the dark and then the physical comfort of her closeness and body somehow calmed down the racing horses(actually just supressed and changed the topic of them by me) and got me to focus on this thing:love-construct.
after the first kiss, while being cuddleing and legs all around and we were intertwined with our limbs i booted up this construct, placing her and myself into a special place, establishing MANY relationships between things, realigning myself to best fit the new priorities and demands. sticking those moments, screetching them into my mind and transferring/chargeing them with all the energy i had then.

self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide in a situation without considering the possible consequences i create for both myself and others invovled.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish about what i do with whom, based on the belief that it only concernes me and the one i'm doing it with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make selfish decisions based on the fear that others can manipulate and change it, therefore putting myself into a defensive state where i defend my choice from everyone else, even from myself because i know exactly that it is not best for anyone.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a decision in total self-honesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress common sense investigation, in order to get the goal of my plan, and to ignore the obvius fact that i can only achieve that goal by abusing myself as well as others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others based on the fear that i will not reach my goal otherwise.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be in a relationship, even if it's abusive.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be in a relationship because i fear being alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being alone to fear itself, thus i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be in a relationship because i want/desire to experience unconditional touch of another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from unconditional touch based on the belief that i can only experience it when i'm in a close relationship with another human.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to see understand and realise that i can give unconditional touch without any prequisites.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be in a relationship because of the want/desire to experience sex.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the amount of committment that a true relationship agreement requires.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize experiencing sex over everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider any consequences of sex, or establishing and maintaining a relationship with another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to feel LOVE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the experience of love to exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of love within and as myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the feeling of love is superior to me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand and realise that i am the one who gives all the power to the love-construct and thus i am enslaving myself, and also hiding this fact from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to want/desire to be in a relationship because i want to experience the feeling of love.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience love as a positive feeling.

when and as i go into making decisions while not considering all the fact and consequences, i stop and breathe.
I realise that by only estimating and judging, and assuming an end result i am actually stating my inability to take responsibility for myself.
I commit myself to investigate all aspects before a decision and to decide based on the principle of what is best for all. furthermore i commit myself to show that judging, assuming and estimating an end-result or consequence can NEVER lead to what is best for all, thus it will ALWAYS end up being a form of abuse.

when and as i go into being selfish in my considerations, i stop and breathe.
I realise that in this existance everyone is all one and equal thus everything is a result of way more than two being's actions and interactions, thus an equasion that EXCLUDES almost all of existance cannot be accurate.
I commit myself to show that selfishness is a hiding-construct in order to not take self-responsibility and always a sign of EGO.

When and as i go into fearing others inteference with my decisions, i stop and breathe.
I realise that every being is someway or another interferes with all, also I realise that if i cannot stand as one and equal with my decision stable then that decision is not based on what is best for all, and cna lead or contain some form of abuse or self-dishonesty.
I commit myself to stand as one and equal to all my decisions that are based on the principle of what is best for all.

here are a lot of decisions made every moment...and also i live the consequences of my previous decisions whatever they were based on, so this is as all of the points takes a gradual change that takes time, and while i walk through the consequence of my previous decisions when i make new ones from now i can stand as self-honesty and decide what is best for all and accumulate these decision's consequence over time

when and as i go into wanting/desiring to be in a relationship, i stop and breathe.
I realise that selfish relationships are based on self-dishonesty and abuse therfore cannot be allowed.
I commit myself to apply and show that every being can co-exist within an equal and one agreement with each other and all the other beings in existance.

when and as i go into fearing being alone, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i am alone no matter what i do, because we are all one here, thus fearing what is here is unacceptable
I commit myself to show that I can stand alone and walk and direct myself on the principles of what is best for all in equality and oneness here.

when and as i go into seperating myself from touch, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i am both who touches, the touch itself and the one i'm touching, therefore i am always only giving myself the support within and as the physical AS touch to see understand and realise myself here.
I commit myself to touch everything and anything unconditionally, and to allow myself the assistance and support of the physical here.

when and as i go into wanting/desireing sex, i stop and breathe.
I realise that sex is a complex mind construct which requires extensive work and debunking, thereforeany participation within it without me working on/with those points would only support the mind constructs.
I commit myself to investigate and work on points connected to sex, and stop the energetic nature of my participation and walk the journey to discover my self-expression in it.

when and as i go into wanting/desireing the feeling/experience of love, i stop and breathe.
I realise that love in only a mindconstruct i have accepted anda allowed myself to rule over me and also a justification to many abuse.
I commit myself to stop my participation within the love-construct and show that beings can co-exist without any point of love as it currently exists here.



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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Marlen » 13 Oct 2012, 00:49

Thanks for sharing, Martón!



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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Szabó Márton » 14 Oct 2012, 02:36

I too enjoy reading your blogs, it's cool to support each other here.
Day 118: Stillness
Here while now staying in a small town, and not going back to the capital for the weekend, i 'have' plenty of time to examine myself and the enviroment i'm in.

most students who's staying in the dorm goes home for almost all weekends and because school ends on thursday usually it's really quiet from friday to sunday. maybe 20-30 stay from the 500-550, less than 10%.
i also noticed that this quieter enviroment fires up yet another character in me, the still character.
being quiet, more listening, a bit more lazy, time running by, and wanting to capture the moments in a forever still picture within my mind. collecting and analyzing data and creating summaries and assumptions based on the running events of the week.
and when the next "workday" comes i again switch back to what i used to do...this is unacceptable and is a stupidity loop i suffocate myself with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the trigger point of non-working-day" to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the trigger point of "non-working-day"
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest the stillness character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to capture a moment wihtin my mind as an image, in order to lenghten that moment.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to still a moment, because of fear of loosing moments.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect myself to moments i experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the moments i experience.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to seperate myself from the moments i experience by defining them as seperate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing momnets because of the belief that i am only the collection of moments as memories/pictures.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear loosing memories and pictures in my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect memories and pictures of my mind with my"self".
i forgive myself for accepting andallowing myself to define myself with and as the memories and pictures i have collected and astored within and as the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself and existing without captured moments as memories and pictures.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear existing without the mind.

when and as i go into wanting/desiring to still a moment by capturing it, i stop and breathe.
I realise that no moment can be "captured" or made forever yet every moment is here as one and equal as what i am and have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I commit myself to show that memories and pictures in the mind are only to create and keep the illusion of past/present/future as time and to keep myself trapped into that which i define myself within and as.

when and as i go into fear of loosing memories/pictures, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i cannot loose anything, morover i cannot loose what has never been existing at all and been just an illusion i have created and maintained.
I commit myself to let go of all memories and pictures and all the defining of myself within and as them, also to remove any and all energetic charge applied to the above things, and to end the illusion of time in the mind.



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Szabó Márton
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Joined: 03 Sep 2011, 06:49
Location: Hungary
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Re: Márton's writings

Postby Szabó Márton » 15 Oct 2012, 20:44

Day 119: the Truth of a SocioFobic
I have been very much obsessed with truth before this process, and created whole bunch of shit just to satisfy my never ending thirst to knowledge and truth of existance.

In the first memories i can recall regarding this point is the attitude and handleing of my parents and my brother with me. i came second in the family, and as soon as i have arrived my brother started to "play" superiority games, and acting out jealousy and fear and of course because i was the weaker and i couldn't do anything about it, he projected this onto me and expressed with physical abuse or dominance.
Also i have been very intrigued by the world i'm in so i had plenty of questions when i could speak. But as all the kids i got answers i could not understand or accept, but i got "drowned in authority" to accept it just because.

Therefore by these i have created this character within me to while always SEEKING the ultimate truth, also not trust other's truth, but my own assumptions and concepts and summaries of things.
Thus by using this system i have accepted myself to accept this self-created truth to be seperate from me because it was based on my carefully designed matrix of information and knowledge, which again i believed being seperate from me.
This created a polarity where i placed my self-assumed and summarised information superior to other's and only accepting my own self-truth, which later led to my EGOistic behaviour and self-rightousness.

But there were points to which i could not find a collection of answers...these only came into question when i started to "ripe" in highschool, where i seeked answers to more general questions and about this existance and beingness and origins and all those "big" questions, that even scientist shearch for answer.
So because i cannot find an acceptable answer-religions were bullshit and the big bang sounded too childish too- i took myself and created one out of thin air. i'm not wirting it down in detail, because it would take a whole book, the main thing is that i have placed myself in this creation-theory, which i believed to be the absolute truth.
what i realised before this is that every human have the same, equal amount of "power" in terms of creating things/events. and as i saw it then humanity seemed to be alien on this planet.

The base of the whole thing were that once there were a mass of beings, like free flowing atoms in a cloud, but also more beings come into existance continuosly, so some of the beings figured out a way to manage the situation and created "universes" as planets and so any being could voluntarely go into that universe to not be outside of it and do there whatever it wants. altough getting out is only allowed in really rare occasions. so i was one of these creators, who escaped from the other one's because i made an exception while working ect. and i'm here on earth as a vacational hiding.
i had answers for reincarnation, memories, relationships, conspiracies and anything i came into contact with i made a perfect answer to it.

i had even stories of "my favorite world" and had a governor from that world, that i spoke with-of course illusionary friend :D, but the main thing is that i really almost never spoke about this. i took it for granted, it was my ultimate truth and case closed. I only shared this with a few "specially selected" people who i seen to be able to comprehend it. and because i made pretty good assumption and investigations they accepted it and this feeded my feeling that i'm right this IS the truth.
But throguh all this i really really was afraid of other's, based on my previous life and experiences i knew that only a selec few will be able to accept me as who i am, thus i rarely shared myself openly.
I would never even thought of doing something like this here.

The more things i realised in this false truth of myself the more others acknowledged it the more i got wirgh in terms of telling solutions...because i never shared my system but shared my oppinions and advice freely because i already realised that by the right amount of information everyone can be manipulated with the precise timing. so i choose friends and sprayed my advice onto them at the right time, and eventually ended up manipulating them, but this was interestingly not abusing them because when i considered giving advice i always used empathy and looked at what would be the best for them. altough i admit that "best for all" and "best for one" is never the same. so this way it was abuse because i have supported their selfishness, and ego, in turn they did the same with me, support wise.
So i not only decieved myself but decieved others as well and shown how easy it is to decieve humans. I understood oneness and equality seperately, not together. also there were no point of responsibility within me, i just knew i have to keep my mouth shut, and be careful with others.

When i got into Desteni, i first tried to get to know many info on it and incorporate into my own "worldview" and thus use it to be a better being in selfishness.only much later on had i realised my con and had to start over again with clearing my starting point of education myself and walking this process.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek the truth outside of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting nad allowing myself to beleive that truth is something outside of myself
I forgive myself that i haev accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from truth.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing others in my world, and their actions with me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself within and as my theories and lies.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a creation theory because i feared to face reality within and as who and what i am.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from the reality as myself within and as who and what i am here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in the illusion of truth based on fear of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the facts of my actions and responsibilities based on my illusion of truth.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a closed system of truth and believe it to be real and only one existing.

when and as i go into creating separate truth outside of myself, i stop and breathe.
I realise that nothing exist seperate from me not even truth, thus seeking and creating one outside of myself is only self-deception therfore it is self-dishonesty.
I commit myself to apply self-honesty in every investigation i make.
I commit myself to stop seeking truth outside of myself and show that no truth exists here but the actual reality of who and what we are and have become.

when and as i go into self-dishonesty, i stop and breathe.
I realise that self-dishonesty is always abuse of self and only creates more points to work on and also allows the system of abuse to continue existing the way it is currently
I commit myself to be self-honest in my application and walk this process from the starting point of equality and oneness and what is best for all.

when and as i go into fearing other beings, i stop and breathe.
I rewalise that i am not seperate from any being here, and other beings walk the same process i do, therefore fearing them equals to fearing myself which is just hiding from the inevitable.
I commit myself to show that every being is in fact one and equal, and that all beings can co-exist together in a system that is best for all.




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