Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 28 Aug 2012, 16:27

Day 132 “I can NOT take FAILURE” Character (Part 2)

Continuing with the “I can NOT take FAILURE” Character identified in Day 131 “I can NOT take FAILURE” Character (Part 1):

Character dimensions:

Thoughts:

A picture of a pitch black pit with a circular opening with light shining through being closed.

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel disappear and only pitch black darkness remains.

Backchat:

“It’s to no avail”

“I can not do it”

“It’s impossible, look I failed”

“It’s impossible, look how many times I already failed”

“If I could not do it after all this time, I never will”

“If I could not transcend this point after all this time and after all that I have realized about it, I can never stop it. There is nothing to look at anymore. There is nothing left to investigate regarding this point. I have written about it as much as I could find within me. I cannot see anything more within this point. It’s hopeless. I’ll never get it.”

“Look how much I have written about it. Look how much self-forgiveness I’ve done on it. Look how much self-corrective statements and scripts I have written and realized about it. Look at how effective I have been during this and that time in stopping that point/pattern/character. And yet despite of all the writing, forgiveness, corrective statements and actual successful moments of stopping that pattern/point/character, it still exist in me and I still fall back into it, still find myself participating in it. And because of all the amount of writing and time spend on investigating, forgiving, writing about, correcting myself within/as this pattern — I have found everything there is to find and existent as this pattern/character/point and there is thus nothing more to find within it that would aid in the final success of stopping/transcending it. So, it’s useless to write, forgive and investigate this pattern/point/character any further because I will NOT find anything else that I do not already know and am aware of if I do so. So it’s to no avail, I conclude: I cannot transcend/stop this pattern/point/character. I must accept and submit to it. Let me just live it out, accept it and not further try and waste my time with trying to stop/transcend it because I can never transcend/stop it. Look at my process so far I walked on it: All to no avail, I did not stop/transcend this point/pattern after all this extensive process time, so: It MUST be IMPOSSIBLE. And thus I accept this point/pattern/character in/as me and submit to it because I accept myself as not being able to do anything about it. I will no longer try to stop/transcend it and will just make peace with it and learn to live with it”

“I failed… It’s hopeless. I can NOT change/do it”

Reactions as emotions and feelings:

Fear

Anxiety

Self-Judgement

Hopelessness

Depression

Apathy

Physical reactions:

Nausea

Feeling heavy, like a sack of stones, feeling dragged down towards the earth. Shoulder become heavy and slouched as though gravity has just intensified and is pulling me with a stronger force towards the earth.

Upper body feels heavy

Feeling lifeless, like seeing no more purpose and reason in even further trying to change myself and in that my physical body movement becomes very sluggish, like I am having to forcefully drag myself across the floor to move and do something.

Physical movement and practical doing becomes really tedious and I just prefer to really just sit or lye down.

A desire to avoid the world and just be alone with myself in a dark room.

Consequences:

No more attempting to change self.

Not changing.

Self-Defeat and Self-Diminishment.

Submitting and accepting self as unchangeable.

Giving up.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the “I can not take failure” character that I become when I fail at my approach to attain something, where I end up in depression and submission to the very failure, concluding that I can never attain what I intended to, just because it didn’t work out with the way I approached to attain it thus far and so ended up in failure a couple of times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ending up in failure a lot of times within my approach to attain what I intended to, that it means I can never attain it and use my multiple failures against myself within forcing me into the conclusion and acceptance that I will never attain what I intended and force me into submission to the failure and force me into giving up on my approach of attainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let failures, be it once or any number of times, discourage me and make me believe that I can never attain what I set out to, because I failed within the approach to it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my approach isn’t ‘right’ within all the multidimensional context of a point I am approaching the attainment of self-change of and that I must do more self-forgiveness and writing with regards to that particular point till I have the ‘right’ practical physical corrective application with which to attain that self-change finally for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character that cannot take failure and immediately feels depressed, submits to the failure, concludes and accepts that it’s impossible to achieve the intended attainment of self-change and gives up on further approach of the attainment of self-change with regards to the particular point intended to change self within and as, instead of NOT allowing myself to be discouraged and intimidated by the quantity/number of failures I had to face thus far within my approach of attainment of the intended self-change within/as/of a particular point, and because I have thus not succeeded in the attainment of that intended self-change after a specific time already walked in the attempt to attain that intended self-change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stick to my endeavor of self-change and transcendence of the particular individual points I am intending to change myself within and as till I find the ‘right’ practical physical self-corrective application points to walk/apply/live through which I am able to finally change myself for real, and to not allow me to be discouraged by a numerical quantity of failures I might face within the attempt of attainment of the intended self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that doing self-forgiveness once on a point means the point is done and that I am changed in relation to that point, and within that self-defined idea cannot take failure and thus feel depressed and want to give up in my approach to change myself when I fail with the application methods I approached to change me in relation to a point, immediately concluding and accepting that I can not change myself in relation to that point, submit and give up on any further attempt to change myself in relation to that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my backchat telling me that it’s to no avail to any further attempt to change myself in relation to the point I am intending to change, and that it’s no use to even try it, and should instead submit and accept it as unchangeable and just learn to accept and live with it, like “Make the best out of it” because I am accepting and allowing the manifestation/occurrence of FAILURE within my attempt to change myself in relation to a point, to discourage and intimidate me, making more out of FAILURE then what it is, which is just freaking FAILURE, instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I failed, okay, it means my physical practical self corrective application I applied with which I approached the self-change was NOT the ‘right’ one and/or that I missed some obvious points, which I then need to find, and I do so through re-walking the point again within further self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application, walking another trial cycle within which I apply and test the information/self-corrective application to see whether or not it is the ‘right’ one that results in the intended self-change and if it’s not then go again back to further investigation of the point with and through self-forgiveness and writing till I find the ‘right’ Physical Practical Self Corrective Application.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 30 Aug 2012, 21:07

Day 133 Feeling shit within is bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my inner experience of feeling shit, wanting to create a positive or neutral experience within myself because I think and believe that experiencing myself negatively is bad.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have an automatic tendency to resist, fight and suppress my experiences should I every feel unpleasant/negative within me because of having the idea that feeling shit within is bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw that I was feeling shit, immediately tried to suppress it, force it away and tried to feel good because of the ingrained idea that experiencing myself like shit within is bad and within that have created a fear of feeling like shit within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling like shit within and immediately resit, fight and suppress it when I am aware of this experience within and try to enforce myself somehow to feel good again, within this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am suppressing the negative energy experience I have instead of facing it and walking/breathing through it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face, walk and breathe through feeling shit within, instead of suppressing it and trying to enforce myself somehow to feel good again.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the fastest way of transcending my inner emotional turmoil is within the physical practical application of FACING, WALKIGN and BREATHING through it when the experience manifest within me, and remain self-directive within/as NOT participating, following, believing and defining myself through these experiences and their knowledge and information content, till the energy runs out because I am not fueling/maintaining it through participation in thoughts and backchat that generate it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider the possibility that the reason I feel so shit today is because I am walking through the energy dimensions of some points like being self-conscious and am letting go of energetic relationships I have had formed towards certain points, and that my inner experience of feeling so shit is a withdrawal symptom of stopping the self-defined existence of these energy-points.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the possibility that my inner experience of feeling so shit might be the withdrawal symptom as I am walking through my self-definitions and being self-conscious, as this inner experience of mine started yesterday when I decided to face and stop my self-defined existence to appearance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I only see within the context of my own inner experiences, so that I will only see negative things if I feel negative within and only see positive things if I feel positive within, and thus that I saw and experienced everything to be so fucked up with me today and all the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat I had and the feeling and experience as though everyone else was judging me, was done from the starting point of my own inner experience of feeling negative/shit, as I saw everything and everyone through my own inner experience, and that I thought and felt like everyone was judging me because I was judging myself and projected that self-judgement externally onto others.

In this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was experiencing my own self-judgement the entire time I thought and felt like everyone is judging me and that something is wrong with me, all the while I was just seeing the world through my own inner energy experiences, blinded by my own inner energy experiences and not seeing the physical reality as it was.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that feeling emotionally bad is not bad and scary within the context of requiring immediate suppression and replacement through positive energy experience, but requires to be faced, walked and breathed through within remaining the self-directive principle without participation, belief-in and self-definition through the negative energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can forever feel positive within, and within that idea reacting in fear and anxiety towards feeling emotionally negative within myself and suppress the negative feeling within me and try to feel good again, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within existing as energy I must experience the entire spectrum that energy itself consist of and exist as, and thus must experience both the negative and positive because the positive can not manifest unless I go through the negative first from where I create the positive and once the positive runs out I will drop back to the negative from where I once more create the positive and in this continue into eternity within this vicious cycle, never taking a breath and seeing what the fuck I am doing the entire time, moving in a vicious cycle of climbing and falling down the ladder of energy, where I climb the ladder from the negative energy up into the positive energy where I fall back down into the negative energy experience once the positive runs out to once again start climbing up into the heavens to find my positive energy experience, always falling back down into the hell of/as the negative energy experience; instead of once and for all stopping the vicious cycle of existing as energy and start living physically as breath where no energy exist and is required.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that breath is constant and does not move from positive to negative, just from an in breath to the out breath where within both the in and out breath as well as the moments in between the in and out breath my inner experience does not change in anyway, neither into positive nor into negative, but remains constant, the same as it was the moment before and the moment before that moment, as will remain the same within the next moment and the moment after the next moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within breath exists the constancy, consistency and stability of/as life.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I wish to stop experiencing negative energy experiences, I must stop seeking to experience positive energy experience, because I see, realize and understand that as long as I seek to experience the positive, I must inevitably go through the negative because it’s only from within the negative energy experience that I can build up the positive to experience for but a finite moment before I fall back into the awareness of the negative energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it hard within me to let go of the positive energy experience because it is that which makes me feel alive, without it I think that I am not feeling alive, thinking and believing that life is defined by a feeling energy experience of ‘alive’.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 02 Sep 2012, 18:40

Day 134 Just ONE breath at a time: Just a few steps beyond giving up. It’s DOABLE despite the inner hurdle.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that giving up is not worth it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that no matter how shit I feel within and no matter how much resistance I feel towards remaining constant within my everyday self-responsibilities, such as daily self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application, that it’s not worth it to give up because I indeed have the capacity to remain self-directive within the face and experience of the inner energy experiences and that it’s worth it to remain consistent no matter how hard it feels in a moment, realizing, seeing and understanding that that hardship is just for a finite moment as I am walking through the energy dimensions of the mind and that these energies will reach it’s end if I remain self-directive and not allow myself to react, participate in and be influenced by the temporary inner experiences I have in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that no matter how hard it feels to push through resistance and inner experience I have in a moment, that it’s not worth to give up and that it’s totally worth to push through within comfortable breathing, remaining self-directive the entire time no matter the inner emotional struggle, seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s only finite and temporary while I am walking through the very illusion of the energetic experience, and that it will inevitably end while I remain self-directive in and as the pace of breath and so not fuel the energy experience through participation in it and self-allowance to influence me and my living.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that even despite all the hardship and struggle I experienced yesterday emotionally/energetically within and despite it all feeling so real that it all came to an end eventually as I was facing and walking through the energy experiences remaining self-directive even though it felt so hard and difficult to push and walk: Realize, see and understand that I am indeed capable of pushing through and remaining consistent in my self-honest self-directive living no matter the perception/awareness of the inner energy experience within a moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that despite all the struggle and hardship I experience emotionally/energetically within myself, and despite all the difficulty to push myself and remain self-directive in the face of the intense inner energy experience, that I was still able to push and remain self-directive, only ONE breath at a time, breath by breath, application by application, and that the inner energy experience eventually came to an end, proving the illusion of the energy experiences and proving that I am indeed capable of being and remaining self-directive within the very perception/awareness/experience of the inner emotion/feeling experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that even despite all the thoughts, despite all the backchat that was giving me reasons and excuses with which to justify why I apparently cannot remain self-directive or do a specific application, like self-forgiveness, reading or writing, and within that despite all the emotional inner struggle and resistance I was experiencing within pushing to remain self-directive, I was still able to push and remain self-directive, just ONE breath at a time and then the next and then the next till the application was done, doing so application by application till the day is over, until the next day, and that the inner emotional/feeling experience and the struggle and resistance I experienced eventually came to an end while I was remaining self-directive and pushing, proving that the inner energy experience was just an illusion and the difficulty and resistance I was experiencing was just the process of walking through the energy dimensions of the mind, letting go of the relationship I have defined myself by and through in relation to such experiences, releasing myself from the dependency relationship of such energies and remaining self-directive as physical breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that despite all the hardship and struggle I experienced and perceived within pushing myself to remain self-directive in the face of all the inner emotional turmoil experiences, I was still able to do so, just ONE breath at a time and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the PRACTICAL importance of breath being the actual physical structural support and vehicle with which I can remain self-directive in walking through and facing any and all inner emotional/feeling/energy experiences.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the hardship, difficulty and struggle and the perception, idea, belief and experience I was having that I cannot do certain applications of self-responsibility because of my inner experience, was because I was BELIEVING the inner experience and it’s knowledge and information content to be real, within that allowing the energy experience to influence and direct me in the self-defined belief that it’s real, not seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not real and that I have proven that it’s not real when I remained self-directive despite my inner experiences where the inner experiences eventually came to and end and I remained here as breath like before the inner experience.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by walking just ONE breath at a time, I was able to push myself within remaining self-directive despite all the inner experiences which I felt and perceived as so intense and within that despite all the thoughts and backchat that was trying to persuade me to just give up and not do certain applications because of the inner experience being so uncomfortable and intense.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that giving up is not worth it and that the answer is just a few steps beyond giving up, and to thus remain self-directive within the self-assistance and support through the tools of breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to NOT move into the action of ‘giving up’ on myself because the answer is HERE, it just takes a few steps beyond giving up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the inner energy experience and my perception and experience of it being so hard and difficult to push myself and remain self-directive, is all just an illusion that I can prove every time anew by physically pushing myself to remain self-directive, taking it all just ONE breath at a time, just ONE application at a time, breath by breath and application by application, NOT believing in and allowing the inner energy experience and resistance to influence and determine what I do and who I am, and that the inner energy experience and my perception and experience of difficulty and hardship in pushing and remaining self-directive will eventually come to an end if I do not participate and BELIEVE in it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that PHYSCIAL self-movement within the pace of PHYSICAL BREATH is important and taking it just ONE breath at a time and that with that application I can move through and remain self-directive through any inner energy experiences within the understanding, seeing and realization that these inner energy experience I have in a moment are finite and only temporary while I walk through the entire dimension of the energy experience and that it will eventually come to an end as I remain PHYSICALLY self-directive within that application of just ONE breath at a time and not BELIEVE in and NOT participate in and NOT define myself through and as the inner energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that NO matter how real the inner experience and resistance within a moment FEELS like, it is still just illusions, always, and will eventually come to an end if I do NOT allow me to BELIEVE in it and do NOT participate in it but remain self-directive within PHYSICAL self-movement within the application of just ONE breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that no matter how real the inner energy experience and resistance I have within a moment FEELS like, it is still illusional and is still only MY perception and definition of it and is experienced as such intensity and difficulty by me to push through it and remain self-directive in walking through it by me because I BELIEVE in it being real, I ACCEPT it as an obstacle within me that can STOP and INFLUENCE me, while it can NOT UNLESS I DECIDE so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within every moment, within every breath I take and experience the difficulty and hardship within pushing myself to remain self-directive, I am in fact very much AWARE of my potential and ability to PUSH and REMAIN self-directive, taking it just ONE breath at a time, until all breaths accumulate into the completion of a task, task by task until the day comes to an end, every day until this is done, and that I am thus AWARE that I am within every moment, within every breath I experience the inner hurdle aware that I AM the one who makes a DECISION DELIBERATELY to either DO PUSH THROUGH, taking it just ONE breath at a time or decide to GIVE UP, justifying why I am apparently not able to push and remain self-directive, taking it just one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to thus realize that I really have NO damn valid excuse and reason with which I could even slightly justify my apparent inability to do push and remain self-directive, taking it just ONE breath at a time, because I see, realize and understand that despite everything and anything that the least thing I can do is take things just ONE breath at a time, move just ONE breath at a time, accumulate all the ONE breaths-at-a-time until a task is walked into completion, doing this task by task, one task at a time, till the day comes to an end, doing this every day until this is done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is NO excuse, justification or reason for NOT being able to take things within my life just ONE breath at a time, doing just ONE thing in ONE breath, moving breath by breath until I complete just ONE task before I move onto the next task and so onto the next and the next, until the day is over, every day until this is done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the LEAST I can do is take things just ONE breath at a time, do ONE thing within ONE breath only in ONE moment, breath by breath, moment by moment and that there is thus NOT even ONE excuse and reason that could justify and validate me saying that I can NOT do my self-responsibilities because I can at least take just ONE breath at a time if not more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can at LEAST take just ONE breath at a time and DO ONE thing within just ONE breath at a time if I can not do more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that NO excuse and reason justifying that I cannot take it just ONE breath at a time is valid and real because I see, realize and understand that as long as I am alive — I CAN take things just ONE breath at a time because if I could NOT take/handle/tolerate/endure just ONE breath at a time, I would be dead already.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within participation in the mind the resistance and intensity perceived within pushing and remaining self-directive within the face and experience of the inner energy experience seems so real while when I slow down to the pace of physical breath it becomes so easy to move and push through, at least being able to take things just ONE breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in participating in the mind the inner energy experience seems and FEELS so real while it is in fact not because I see, realize and understand that when I allow myself to focus on the physical and slow myself down to the pace of comfortable physical breathing that I can take things at least just ONE breath at a time while in the mind even this seems and feels impossible to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within the mind even taking things just ONE breath at a time seems impossible while it is in fact practically doable within PHYSICAL reality and I will see and show myself so within allowing myself to slow myself down within me to the pace of physical breath instead of racing within my mind, lost in the dimensions of the belief in the inner energy experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s NOT about completing a certain task within a deadline I set before hand, it’s not about a deadline, it’s about remaining self-directive no matter if it takes me 1 hour or 1 day to complete just ONE single task, I do so till it’s done because it’s about remaining self-directive and not about how many tasks I can do within a timeframe or how quick I can do a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within such ‘intense resistance’ times set a deadline within which to complete a task instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not about completing a task within a predefined deadline but about remaining self-directive and not allowing the inner energy experience to influence and determine my living, doing and who I am, even if it means that completing just ONE task takes me an entire day.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 03 Sep 2012, 16:17

Day 135 Just ONE breath at a time (Part 2): Just a few steps beyond giving up. It’s DOABLE despite the inner hurdle.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that giving up is not worth it and that despite all the perceived difficulty and hardship to remain self-directive and continue doing my self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application and walking my process, it is indeed doable and that the energy experience and resistance is just temporary and will eventually come to and end if I do not participate and believe in it being real but remain self-directive.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that the inner emotional/feeling turmoil energy experience is only for some moments, is only temporary while I face and walk through the dimensions of the energy experience and remain self-directive within not allowing the inner experience to influence and determine my living, doing and who I am.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show the importance of sticking to and focusing on the physical breath and on breathing comfortably, as a stability structure with which I can remain self-directive within the face of all the inner energy experiences.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show how I have been missing the very physical structure that gives me stability, which is the breath and how easy it actually is to remain self-directive within the face of any inner energy experience, if I slow myself down to the pace of physical breath and become comfortable within my breathing, taking things just ONE breath at a time.

I commit myself to 21 days of practicing my awareness of the breath and practicing taking things just ONE breath at a time.

I commit myself to 21 days of slowing myself down to the pace of the physical breath, taking things just ONE breath at a time.

I commit myself to 21 days of practicing to breathe comfortably.

I commit myself to investigating and practicing how to breathe comfortably and what comfortable breathing in fact means and how I can do so in every moment that I see that my breathing becomes uncomfortable.

I commit myself to 21 days of practicing comfortable full in and out breaths, being indeed aware of both the in and out breath.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that no matter how difficult and hard it seems and FEELS to self-direct myself and walk my process, that I still have the capacity and ability to remain self-directive and continue walking my process within the application of comfortable breathing and taking it just ONE breath at a time.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show the importance of breathing comfortably and naturally and not forcing the breath and not making it mechanical, because I see, realize and understand that comfortable natural breathing is me slowing myself down to the pace of the physical and not racing within the mind exaggerating the perceived and believed difficulty and hardship of pushing myself and remaining self-directive.

I commit myself to 21 days of practicing to breathe comfortably and naturally, not forcing the breath and not making it mechanical.

I commit myself to 21 days of practicing to feel comfortable within my human physical body and investigate the positions within a moment that I feel comfortable within my own physical body because I see, realize and understand the importance of feeling physically comfortable together with breathing comfortably and naturally without forcing the breath, in being a structural stability support for me within walking my process.

I commit myself to 21 days of practicing to when I feel physically uncomfortable, change my physical behavior, movement, expression and positioning until I find one within which I feel comfortable within my human physical body.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that the inner energy experience and resistance is an illusion as I have proven so many times before because none of them has stood the test of time but has always come to an end once I stopped participating in and believe in it.

I commit myself to when and as my inner experiences and resistance seems and feels so intense and real, to stop and take a deep breath and breathe comfortably, slowing myself down to the pace of physical breath, see, realize and understand that I am racing within my mind and participating in and believing the inner energy experience and resistance, exaggerating the inner energy experience and resistance, making it more then what it is and that I am indeed capable of remaining self-directive and continue walking my process and doing my self-responsibilities, and take it just ONE breath at a time, because I see realize and understand that the LEAST I can do is take it just ONE breath at a time.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the LEAST I can do is take things just ONE breath at a time and that within that NO excuse and reasons exists that could justify and validate me stating that I apparently can not be self-directive and continue walking my process.

I commit myself to when I see myself starting to state that I can not be self-directive, self-honest and can not continue walking my process and in that justify my apparent inability to continue walking my process just because of inner energy experiences, to red-flag and remind myself that there exist NO excuse that could be valid and justify why I am not apparently able to continue walking my process and remaining self-honest and self-directive because I see, realize and understand that the LEAST thing I can do is: Take things just ONE breath at a time, nothing more: Just ONE breath at a time, just ONE thing in ONE breath in ONE moment, until it’s done, no matter how long it takes, that’s it.

What will I do if I again feel overwhelmed by my inner emotional/energy experience turmoil?

What will I do if I again experience it as so hard, intense, difficult and ‘impossible’ to be/remain self-honest, self-directive and continue walking my process and living/doing my self-responsibilities?

I suggest to slow myself down because what I find is that within such moments I am racing within my mind and that I have gone already so deep into the energy experience itself that I have lost myself within the very energy experience itself, seeing only the energy experience and within that blinded by it that I do no longer even see the fact that I am indeed capable of pushing through it and remaining self-directive, self-honest and continue walking my process and doing/living my self-responsibilities.

So I suggest that I slow myself down to the pace of the physical breath and to move myself to breathe comfortably and to change my physical behavior, expression and positioning till I feel comfortable within my own body.

And to from there then take it slowly, walking and moving myself really at the pace of the PHYSICAL breath only and just take things ONE breath at a time. Focus on my physical breathing and focus on being comfortable within both my breathing and my physical body movement, expression and positioning.

And to from here then walk it one breath at a time, one application at a time, till the day is over, so that I finish my day with having utilized the available time within it practically in walking my process to my utmost potential.

And I also see, realize and understand that I have self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to ‘get me through’ the ‘difficult’ times.

I commit myself to when and as I find and see myself to ever again feel overwhelmed by my inner emotional/feeling/energy experiences and have the experience of it being so hard, difficult and ‘impossible’ to be and remain self-honest, self-directive and continue walking my process and doing/living my self-responsibilities, to stop and realize that I am participating in my mind and that I have already gone to much into the energy experiences itself that I only see and experience the energy experiences itself where it feels so real because all I see is the energy experience itself because I went to far into it already, and to in that just stop, take a deep breath and step out of the energy experience and slow myself down to the pace of physical breath and move myself to breathe comfortably and also change my physical behavior, expression, movement and positioning until I am feeling comfortable within my own body and to from here take things just ONE breath at a time, walking and moving myself really at the pace of physical breath; seeing, realizing and understanding that I indeed have the capacity to do it: To remain self-honest, self-directive and continue walking my process and doing/living my self-responsibilities, taking it just ONE breath at a time because I see, realize and understand that the LEAST I can do is take it just ONE breath at a time; thus that there is NO valid excuse and reason that could justify me stating that I apparently can not remain/be self-honest, self-directive and continue walking my process and doing/living my self-responsibilities.

I commit myself to allow my muscles to relax through me breathing comfortably within and as a comfortable pace.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 11 Sep 2012, 20:16

Day 136 Self-Validation instead of looking for validation

Whenever I go to the gym I find myself looking round and round to see if people are looking at me.

What do I look for?

Do I want to see if others are noticing me?

Am I feeling special that I think, believe and feel that others are looking at me, in awe of me?

Am I looking for recognition?

I want to be noticed.


I position myself in certain ways and I do certain things in certain ways if I feel that I could possibly be noticed by the way I present myself because I personally see the way I present myself as as special and being an eye catcher.

Do I look for validation and approval from others?

Do I not notice me, that I feel like I must have others notice me? And depending on whether or not I get noticed by others in the desired way and time, I will either feel good or feel bad. I will experience myself according to whether or not I get noticed by others the way I would like to get noticed.

What is my relationship with ‘getting noticed’?

Why do I feel like I need to get noticed?

What is ‘getting noticed’ for me?

Why is it so important for me to get noticed by others?

Do I draw my self-worth from it?

Does it make me feel that I am indeed here by getting noticed by others?

Don’t I see myself being here, breathing and living, but feel like I need others to notice me so that through being noticed I can have some external proof that I am here, indeed?

Why do I feel like I need to be approved by others?

Why don’t I approve of myself, realizing that I am indeed here, breathing and living, and with the potential to express myself in any desirable physically practical way, but feel the need to be approved by others?

Why don’t I recognize myself, but feel the need to be recognized by others?

Why don’t I validate myself, but feel the need to be validated by others?

Why do I believe that I cannot express myself and that I cannot be content with myself by approving, recognizing and validating myself, without being necessarily recognized, validated and approved by others?

Why do I believe that I cannot enjoy myself, that I cannot enjoy living if I simply know and am aware of my own existence, of my own being here, without necessarily being noticed, approved, validated and recognized by others?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to recognize myself, acknowledge my own existence and my own being here, breathing and living, without the need of being recognized by others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to notice myself being here, breathing and living, without needing others to notice me and through that tell me that I am here existent.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to approve and validate of myself, recognizing, seeing, realizing and noticing that I am indeed here, existent, breathing and living, without needing others through which to recognize, notice and realize that I am indeed here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that without being noticed by others, it means that I am worthless because I want to be special, and not getting noticed by everyone I feel not special, but I want to be special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special and within that feeling believe that I am special because I feel special, and in that expect everyone to notice me, especially those whom I want to notice me, and when they do not notice me and pay attention to me the way I desire and expected, I will feel worthless because I will no longer feel special because if I would be so special like I feel and believe they should have noticed me and payed attention to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to not be anything special, but ordinary, because I fear that I will not catch the attention of any hot girl because I believe that they only go for the special boys, and if I am not special I will never have a relationship.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if the girls I want to notice me, do not notice me, that it means that I am worthless and less and won’t ever be in a relationship with such type of girls, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I cannot be liked by everyone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, understand and notice that I have the tendency to want and desire to be liked by EVERYONE and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s practically impossible to be liked by EVERYONE, not EVERYONE is interested in me, there are millions of other beings in this world, and I am nothing special, nothing more then any of the other boys in this world.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be liked and eyed by every girl on this planet, and feel worthless, inferior, inappropriate, not good enough and ugly should even one girl which I want to be noticed by, not notice, pay attention and eye me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my self-worth and self-value cannot be determined by how much attention I get from girls but that I determine my own self-value and self-worth, in that: I decide, and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s physically practically impossible that EVERY girls eyes and feels an attraction/affinity towards me, because I am NOT the only boy/male in this world but just ONE amongst millions and that I am in that nothing special, nothing more or less then the other boys/males in this world and that therefor I cannot get all the attention from all the girls/females in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw my self-worth and self-value from the quantity of girls that pay attention to, notice and eye me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I don’t get noticed, payed attention to and be eyed by the girls I feel attracted to and that I want to be noticed by, that it means that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the girls I feel attracted towards and feel inferior towards and want to be noticed by do not notice, pay attention and eye me because that would prove to me that I am not good enough and that my chance of having such a girl be in a relationship with me equals zero.

Backchat:

“I am so afraid that she doesn’t notice me, that she doesn’t look back at me… That would just be my proof and evidence that I am not good enough, that I am ugly, that I am not attractive”

Today this gorgeous girl stood beside me and my backchat was:

“She is so gorgeous. But she is not interested in me. I am not her type. I am not good enough for her beauty.”

“Did she notice me? Probably she isn’t interested because she is just too beautiful for me, I am nothing special” (‘nothing special’ as in not being good enough for her)

“Do not make yourself false hope. She wouldn’t be interested in you. She probably hasn’t even noticed you. She is just too beautiful for you. Make peace with it”

“Don’t look at her, she will feel annoyed. She is not interested in you, she is too beautiful for you”

“Don’t look at her, she might look back and notice all your flaws and imperfections and then you really won’t stand a chance with her and be even judged”

“She has just too perfect skin and face for you. You are ugly and stand no chance with her. She can have so much better boys then you. Don’t make yourself false hope.”

“She has too perfect hair for you. You have ugly hair. She is just too good and beautiful for you. She can have so much many better boys then you.”

“Wow… So beautiful.. Like an angel… But, unfortunately I stand no chance, she is just too beautiful for me. I am just not good enough looking for her. She is way too gorgeous for ME, sadly…”

“She is just too sexy for me, I stand no chance with such sexy girls. There are much better looking boys/males she can have then me”

“Look at that body… Wow… She is so hot. I stand not chance because she is just too hot for ME”

“I don’t deserve her, she is much better then me. She is way too beautiful/sexy for me”

What I identify from this sadness I experience within me is: The fear to be alone for ever. The fear to never find a girlfriend. The fear to never be in a relationship.

And then another justification backchat is:

“I don’t feel like self-forgiveness, AGR, DIP, etc. right now, I feel too depressed and sad for not having a girlfriend”

And also the primary self-belief as self-acceptance and self-definition:

That I am too ugly for girls/the female species. That they are so much better then me and that I don’t deserve them. That they are just too good for me that I am unworthy of them.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 11 Sep 2012, 20:18

Day 137 Self-Validation instead of looking for validation (Part 2)

This is a continuation to Day 136 Self-Validation instead of looking for validation:

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I do not need others to recognize, validate, approve and take note of me before I can live a great and enjoyable life and express myself in any desirable physically practical way.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that the tendency to want to be noticed, recognized, approved and validated by others stems from not accepting, approving, recognizing, noticing and validating of myself and that I have defined and based my self-worth and value on whether or not I get external attention, validation and approval from others.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that I can indeed have and live a great, enjoyable and very expressive life without being validated, approved, recognized and noticed by others because I see, realize and understand that expressing myself is about me and that I am the one who expresses me and that I am not doing so FOR others but for and as me myself alone only and that thus the only thing I need for this is: MYSELF and my own Self-ALLOWANCE and Self-PERMISSION to do so.

And I see, realize and understand that expressing myself for and as me myself alone only and not for others, I in that am not dependent on the external validation, approval, acceptance and recognition of me from others and all that I need for living such a great, enjoyable and expressive life is my own self-acceptance, self-recognition, self-validation, self-approval and self-recognition.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that I am indeed Here, living and breathing even if others do not notice, recognize, approve and validate of me: I am Here and I am aware of being here and that’s it: I don’t need external proof of being here by being recognized and noticed by others.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am very much aware of my breaths, my movements and expressions and that that in itself implies that I am aware of my own existence, of being here, breathing and living and thus that I need no external validation, approval and recognition of myself through and by others.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that when I wait for external validation, recognition, approval and acceptance from others before I FEEL happy, content and uninhibited enough to live a great, enjoyable and self-expressive life, that I am wasting a lot of time that I can never claim back, it’s gone, and that I Might as well waste my entire life, and never live such a life I could have given to myself and could have lived would I only not have waited for the approval and validation from others before I live it in the self-convicted belief that I need external approval, validation and acceptance from others.

I see, realize and understand that currently being approved, noticed, validated and recognized by others makes me FEEL happy and within that feeling I feel uninhibited, fearless and no more self-conscious to express myself in the ways I desire.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that I can very well be uninhibited and free from feeling self-conscious without being approved, validated, noticed and accepted by others because I see, realize and understand that I am the source of my own inhibition and self-consciousness and in that have full authority, directive and decisive power and ability to stop it because: I am the one who decide to feel/be inhibited and self-conscious or not. I decide whether or not I will allow the self-insecure, self-conscious and fear thoughts to influence and direct me or whether I will face and walk through them in and as breath and live myself within and as breath within not allowing my thoughts, backchat and inner energy experiences to influence and decide who I am, what I do, how I live and how I interact with my world.

I commit myself to assist and support me through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to find and stop all points where I seek approval, validation, recognition and acceptance externally by and through others.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with and through comfortable breathing to face, walk and breathe through my thoughts, backchat, emotion and feeling energy experiences where I feel the need and want to do something to be accepted, approved, validated, recognized and noticed externally by others and to not allow me to thus participate in and act on these thoughts, backchat, emotion and feeling energy experiences as want and desire for external approval, validation, recognition and acceptance but to instead stick to practical physical living that is relevant in the moment.

I commit myself to assist and support me through comfortable breathing to face, walk and breathe through the desire and want to do something to be noticed, approved, validated, recognized and accepted by others and to thus NOT act on this desire and want.

How will I approach this point practically if I should feel this want and desire in the future?

I commit myself to when and as I see and find that I have and experience the want and desire to do something to be noticed, approved, validated, recognized and accepted by others:

Remain here through comfortable breathing, making sure I face the desire and want energy experiences within and through comfortable breathing to NOT act on it. To NOT convert the desire and want as thoughts and emotional/feeling energies into actual physical action, but walk through the energy, thought and backchat dimensions of it. Above all: To not ACT on it, let it only play out in the mind till it runs out, but do NOT act on it physically. Do not make it physical. Do not live it out in my physical actions and living. Keep it at the mind energy, thought and backchat dimension level only, do not take it further into actual physical action and living;

Let go of the need, desire and want for external recognition, approval, validation and acceptance and instead literally EMBRACE myself, RECOGNIZE myself, APPROVE myself, NOTICE myself and ACCEPT myself; a literal EMBERACEING of SELF HERE, recognizing that I AM HERE and in that realize that I don’t need others external approval, acceptance, validation and recognition before I can express myself in certain ways or live a certain way/life becuase I see, realize and understand that the only thing that I need for this is: MYSELF and My Own SELF-ALLOWANCE and SELF-PERMiSSION to do so, and so I allow me and give myself the permission to do so.

Like as an example: In the gym when I would see a girl, I would start walking around in her surrounding to get noticed and when I see that she is eyeing me I would try to impress her through positioning myself in certain ways that she notices my muscles.

So taking this example, the practical corrective application would be, when I feel the desire and want to walk up to the girl and walk around and alter my physical behavior and expression just to get noticed by her, I stop, breathe comfortably and face, walk and breathe through the desire and want and do NOT act on the desire and want; meaning that I do not in fact physically start walking up to the girl and walk in her surrounding and change/alter my physical behavior for the sake of getting noticed, but remain where I am and do the practical task at hand.

For example:

I am doing an exercise and when I am finished I normally walk around the gym in my resting period before I do the exercise again. Now when I would see a girl I feel attracted to I would want to be noticed by her and I would walk up to her till she notices me and I would walk around her surrounding so that she can take further note of me. Then I would go back to my exercise and when I finish it I would have a look if she’s still around and if I see her I would walk up to her again and walk around in her surrounding to get noticed and when I see that she does take note of me and eye me I would more and more change my physical behavior to impress her with all my muscles. Lol.

So now, the practical corrective application with the above example as reference would be:

To when I am done with my exercise and walk around the gym in my rest period before I hit the exercise again and if I see a girl and feel the want and desire to be noticed by her and the want to walk up to to her so she can take note of me and see if she’ll notice me because I am curious, to NOT walk up to her for the sake of getting noticed and out of curiosity whether or not she will take note of me and eye me. But to take a breath and breathe comfortably and face, walk and breath through the desire and want energy experiences and NOT act on them, meaning: NOT in fact walk up to her and start walking around in her surroundings for the sake of being curious whether or not she will notice me and for the sake of being noticed, but stick to practical physical things relevant in the moment, such as stick to focusing on having a good rest before I return to the exercise and then do the exercise and focus on the exercise and when I am done focus and concentrate on having a good rest again, and that’s it: Stick to physical practical things relevant in the moment.

To continue.

Also to within upcoming posts look further into these points:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be curious whether or not the girl I want to be noticed by will in fact notice me, because if she notices me I will feel happy and think of myself being good enough and if she does not I will feel depressed and think of myself as not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the gym, when I see a girl, walk up to her in curiosity whether or not she will take note of me because if she takes note of me and starts eyeing me I would confirm that I am doing the right thing with the muscle building stuff because I am finally getting attention from females which I perceived like never getting before I started working out and building muscles and thus walk up to her in curiosity whether or not I am finally good enough for female attention, approval, validation, recognition and acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I in the gym see a girl I feel attracted to, walk up to her out of curiosity, fear and insecurity to see whether or not I am now with all the muscle gains finally good enough for female attention, recognition, approval, validation and acceptance, hoping to get noticed finally by females, otherwise if I would not I would feel lost, no longer knowing what I can do to finally get some respect, validation, approval, recognition, attention and acceptance from females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be curious whether or not females notice and eye me, and based on whether or not they do, derive my self-worth from it and see and define me as either good enough or not good enough.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 12 Sep 2012, 14:03

Day 138 Authority: Who is it that decides for me to feel inferior? Can it be ME?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when I confront someone whom in my eyes is a authoritative figure, such as customer, teacher, parent and within that allow me to feel intimidated when words of authority are spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a customer approaches me, immediately go into inferiority mode within myself and TRY to PLEASE him/her.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop TRYING to please another, not even TRY to please him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRY to be good to everyone so that everyone likes me and do not feel angry with me because of the fear that it might lead to eventual victimization as ridicule of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a customer approaches me, immediately step into the ‘People Pleaser’ character and TRY to please with the outcome being uncertain whether or not the person I TRY to please will be pleased or not, but at least TRY to, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I must already stop at TRYING to please another in order to stop the people pleaser character as me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to when I see, realize and find that I am TRYING to please another, already stop there and let go of the want to please another, but breathe through the energy experience of the desire, the thoughts and backchat, NOT worrying whether or not the other person will like or dislike me because of my expression.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s not about pleasing others but about expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much of my attention on thinking about what others think and say about me, and whether or not they notice me and like or dislike me, show any signs of attraction/affinity towards me, instead of focusing on MYSELF, and the environment where I am, and what I am doing physically within that moment within that particular environment, because now with focusing most or all of my attention worrying and thinking about whether or not others notice me and/or show any signs of attraction/like/love/affinity towards me, I am totally missing myself and totally oblivious to who I am here within the environment I am in and to the physical tasks I am doing within that moment in that environment because I am only in my mind worrying about others perception of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others words towards me, with the intent of their words spoken to make me feel, see and accept myself as inferior to them and make me feel intimidated, personally instead of only accepting words of the nature of equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to within me accept only words and actions of equality and oneness and discard all words and actions done or spoken by others towards me that try to either make me inferior or superior to something/someone/themselves.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to only accept words of the nature and intent of equality and oneness, and discard any words spoken to me, about me by others that try to induce any form of inferiority within me towards the one speaking the words or someone/something the one speaking the words is speaking about.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to when someone is trying to induce any form of inferiority within me towards anything, anyone or themselves directly, to immediately discard these words, not take them personally, not internalize them and not allow me to feel intimidated towards their words as I only accept words of the nature of equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am the One deciding to feel intimidated and accept, see and BELIEVE me as being inferior to the words others are speaking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed certain voice tonalities to make me feel intimidated and accept me as inferior towards the one speaking in such a voice tonality.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 12 Sep 2012, 15:56

Day 139 “Lonely and Lovelorn” Character: Too depressed for self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the “Lonely and Lovelorn” character, within which my process routine suffers because I will make up and accept excuses of being too lovelorn and feeling too lonely and within this too depressed to walk my process daily with the utmost potential I am able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for the one girl to go into a relationship with, and because I cannot find her feel lonely and lovelorn the entire time, refusing to walk my process potentially as effectively as I could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my inner accepted and allowed energy feelings of lovelornness and loneliness to influence and suppress my integrity of being self-honest, doing what’s best for all together with all the actions for me required to do on a daily basis as a living reflection of the decision I made to be self-honest and do what’s best for all, actions such as self-forgiveness, writing, to name but a few.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because I want a girlfriend, but fail to find one because of my self-consciousness, feel lonely and lovelorn, and within this make up and accept excuses and reasons with which I try to justify why I do not want to continue walking/living this decision of being self-honest, doing what’s best for all life on a daily basis, because I value my desire for a relationship more then existential life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so lonely and lovelorn, desiring a girlfriend, desiring a relationship, and have allowed me to fall into this energy experience feeling to such an extent that I believe myself that I cannot continue my process because of this feeling of loneliness and lovelornness, accepting and allowing the energy experience of depression to influence my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have aligned my life to the search for love and relationships, so much so that in every moment most of my attention goes to thinking and fantasizing about finding a girlfriend and about the romantic relationship I would like to have together with her, that only minimum attention of mine goes to myself and the process I am walking, because I so seek the experience of relationships because I never had one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lost myself within the restless search for love and relationships, that I have actually allowed myself to BELIEVE my thoughts and backchat telling me that I am too depressed as lonely and lovelorn to apply self-forgiveness, do my writing and all the actions and tasks I require to do on a daily basis within walking my process to bring forth actual, real, substantial self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to believe my thoughts and backchat telling me that I am too depressed for self-forgiveness, writing and all other actions and tasks I require to do on a daily basis as a living reflection of my dedication to the decision I made for becoming life and supporting life instead of self-interest, because I allow me to feel lonely and lovelorn because I so desire to have and find a girlfriend and at last enter a relationship, but fail at it because of allowing and accepting myself to be self-conscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts and backchat telling me that I will never find a girlfriend and enter a relationship, and for me believing and seeing myself through these thoughts and backchat telling me that, and in that accept myself as never going to have a girlfriend and enter a relationship, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only reason I apparently cannot find one and have not yet had a relationship is because of accepting and allowing myself to feel/be self-conscious, and that I can indeed stop being/feeling self-conscious.

I forgive myself that I have within that accepted and allowed myself to each time I see a couple or even a girl/female, immediately feel lonely and lovelorn and also sad because of having thoughts and backchat telling me that I will never have a relationship, I will never find and have a girlfriend, because I am not good enough and because I never had one so far, and for actually BELIEVING my thoughts and backchat telling me this.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to focus the energy, attention and time I spend thinking and fantasizing and searching for a relationship, onto my self-process instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within the existence of a character that feels depressed and lonely and apparently too much of that for applying self-forgiveness, writing and walking it’s self-process, instead of remaining self-authoritative and self-directive within and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the “I feel too lonely and lovelorn for self-forgiveness” character, within and as which I have thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings telling me that I apparently cannot apply self-forgiveness and do the actions and tasks that is my self-responsibility on a daily basis, and where I BELIEVE these reasons and excuses my thoughts and backchat give me with which I justify and try to validate my decision to REFUSE applying self-forgiveness and doing my self-responsibilities on a consistent daily basis, because I do NOT have what I WANT and DESIRE to have, such as a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because I do NOT have what I WANT and DESIRE to have, such as a relationship, manipulate myself with and through emotions and feelings of loneliness and lovelornness as depression to together with thoughts, imagination and backchat try to validate why I actually deliberately decide to REFUSE to do my self-responsibilities, like self-forgiveness, on a constant daily basis as per requirement, making myself believe that I FEEL too depressed for doing these, while hiding the true fact behind it all, which is that I REFUSE to do it because I do NOT have what I WANT and DESIRE, such as a relationship.

Backchat:

“I feel so lonely”

“Why can’t I find a girlfriend..”

“I wish I would have such a girlfriend”

“Will I ever find a girlfriend..?..”

“I wish I would be such a happy couple with finding a girlfriend”

Thoughts:

Isolation (being isolated/apart from everyone else because they have a relationship and I don’t, like being a stranger)

A picture of me alone on an island, isolated and apart from civilization/humanity.

Imagination:

Fantasizing about how it would be to be in a relationship, where I see myself within this romantic pure relationship full of ‘love’ and ‘care’ and ‘intimacy’ and I am all happy, having at last a happy life.

To be continued with:

The thought and belief that I can only have a ‘happy’ and great life if I am in a relationship.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 13 Sep 2012, 16:31

Day 140 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 6): Validating my decision to give-up (Part 5)

I commit myself to not allow the backchat “Oh no… I fucked up again… I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process as if nothing has happened” to exist in and as me and I commit myself to when I become aware of this or such similar backchat ever again emerging within me, to if I find myself that I am already participating in it, immediately stop and take a deep breath, and if I am not participating in it and just becoming aware of the backchat conversation starting in my mind, to NOT take the step of participating in it, not engaging in the conversation and NOT acting upon it, but take a deep breath and breathe comfortably and see, realize and understand that it’s voices in my mind talking, coming up without my directive-principled decision in that moment for them to come up, thus I do not allow me to see, define and accept myself as being these voices and I do not believe these voices and what they are talking about, but to instead reverse my attention from that backchat to physical practical living, moving myself physically to work with the practical physical reality issues at hand within the moment, and so for example if such backchat comes up when my responsibility in a moment is to apply my self-forgiveness, I physically move myself within and as physical comfortable breathing to do my self-forgiveness immediately and not postpone but one moment; and so I remain the self-directive principle despite the inner energy experiences and voices; not allowing these inner energy experiences and voices or images or fantasies to influence my living, doing and who I am, but I self-move myself within integrity as self-honesty.

I commit myself to not believe my backchat or thoughts or emotions and feelings telling me that, if I were to ever fuck up or ‘fail’ at some point within my process and daily self-living, that I can not simply stand up and forgive me and just continue walking my process and continue living and doing my self-responsibilities and what I understand to be integrity, because I see, realize and understand that I indeed CAN just stand up and forgive me and continue with my process and daily living.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that, if I ever were to fuck-up within an application of mine within my process or self-corrective application and living, that I can indeed stand up and simply move on, forgive myself for the fall, and investigate and forgive the reason as starting point why I fucked-up/’failed’ in the first place, to not allow it ever again, and that I do not have to wallow in pity and self-judgement for fucking-up; thus I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that ‘I’ as ‘Self’ as ‘Me’ as the ‘independent’, ‘separate’ ‘individual’ ‘singularity’ as ‘beingness’ DECIDE whether I will simply stand up, forgive me and continue walking my process or if I will decide to wallow in self-pity and self-judgement, and in that wasting many breaths in which I in every breath anew have an window of opportunity to make a new decision of who I am and what I will do.

I commit myself to not allow fear to keep me in the vicious cycle of idleness and not standing up if I were to ever fuck-up/’fail’ within a point of self-change within my process as daily self-corrective application, and to not believe the backchat and thoughts that generate and perpetuate these fears and to immediately use this fear and the backchat and thoughts as an instruction to immediately self-move myself, seeing, realizing and understanding that the inner experience of fear and allowing me to remain idle just because of the inner experience of fear, I will just waste a lot of moments within waiting for the fear to subside or vanish first before I make the decision to stand up again, simply forgive me and simply continue with my process, and that I can make the decision to immediately stand up, forgive myself and continue walking my process if I at some point ‘fuck up’ even within the face, awareness and experience of the fear as that IS SELF-MOVEMENT, while the WAITING for the fear or other inner energy experience to subside or vanish FIRST before ‘I’ as ‘Self’ as ‘Me’ make a decision to stand up, forgive me and continue walking my process is NOT self-movement but just waiting for the mind to give me instructions, in the hope that the instructions will change from the self-dishonesty to self-honesty, instead of making that decision by MYSELF immediately, not dependent on the mind to give me such an instruction first through thoughts, backchat and emotions and feelings.

I commit myself to NOT allow me to WAIT for my inner energy experiences, thoughts and backchat to change FIRST, or subside or vanish BEFORE ‘I’ as ‘Self’ as ‘Me’ make the decision to stand up, forgive me and simply continue walking my process if I were to ever ‘fuck up’/’fail’ within a point of application/self-change within my process.

I commit myself to not allow me to wallow in my inner emotional and feeling experiences I have when I ‘fuck up’/’fail’ within a point of self-change/corrective application within my process, such as self-pity, fear, anxiety, self-judgement, just to name a few, but to instead immediately physically move myself to stand up, physically move myself to do my self-forgiveness, forgive me and simply continue walking my process, seeing, realizing and understanding that if I do NOT stand up immediately and that for every moment as every new breath I take with not standing up, forgiving me and simply continuing my process walking, but remain wallowing in my inner emotional and feeling energy experiences, that I am wasting TIME which I will NEVER get back, and within wasting TIME tgat I will NEVER get back again, I am putting my potential of self-actualization as life in this ONE life I have right here, now, on this earth, in this physical body, right now, on the line, and I do NOT allow me to put my actual LIFE on the line, just because I ‘fucked up’ at some point of walking my self-change within my process, and believe the thoughts and backchat that talk me into the belief, acceptance and submission to give up and wallow in my inner emotional and feeling experiences because I ‘fucked up’, making ‘fucking up’ so much more then what it really is.

I commit myself to when I ever become aware of backchat, thoughts or me directly stating to myself or anyone else that I can not forgive myself, that I can not walk my process, that I can not stand up if I were to ever ‘fuck up’ at some point of self-change within my process, to immediately STOP, NOT BELIEVE and immediately RED-FLAG as I see, realize and understand that such statement is utter bullshit, because I see, realize and understand that I CAN do so, it is physically practically doable and it is just ONE deliberate self decision away from actually doing it: I decide.

I commit myself to not allow me to judge me and not participate in self-judgemental thoughts and backchat if they were to emerge if I would ever ‘fuck up’ at some point within my self-change process, but to instead simply stand up, forgive myself for falling, investigate the reason as starting point that lead to the falling and forgive it equally and commit myself to not allow me to fall again over the same reason/starting point and in that simply continue walking my process, and not waste any time through wallowing in inner emotional and feeling experiences, because I see, realize and understand that the time wasted is gone and I can never reclaim it back again.

So, what will I do if I find me that I ever again ‘fuck up’/’fail’ at some point within my self-change process?

I commit myself to when and as I ever find myself again, becoming aware of, realizing and seeing that I have ‘fucked up’/’failed’ at some point within my self-change process to:

- Not judge me;

- If there are self-judgmental thoughts and backchat coming up automatically in my mind if I become aware of ‘fucking up’ at some point within my self-change process, to NOT participate in them, NOT define myself through them and NOT judge myself through them, not make them personal and not internalize them;

- To not allow me to wallow in the inner emotional and feeling energy experiences, such as for example self-pity, self-judgment, fear, anxiety, depression, to name but a few;

- To not BELIEVE my backchat or thoughts that tell me that I can not stand up, forgive me and simply continue walking my process;

- To NOT allow me to diminish and beat myself up because I ‘fucked up’/’failed’ at a point of self-change within my process, but to assist and support me with further and more specific self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and to investigate the reason why I failed/fucked up in the first place and to forgive these reasons and commit myself to not allow me to fall/fuck up over and because of the same points/reasons again;

- To realize that I am the one that decides whether I will wallow in my inner emotional and feeling energy experiences and waste time/moments/breaths in which I could have walked through further points within my process, or if I will allow me to simply stand up, not beat myself up for fucking up, forgive me simply and continue walking my process; the Decision is mine, and it’s deliberate as it always was, is and will be;

- To realize, see and understand that if I do not immediately stand up, forgive me, investigate the reasons that I allowed in the first place that caused me to fuck up and forgive these and commit myself to not again allow me to fuck up/fail over/because of the same reasons, but instead if I allow me to wallow in my inner emotional and feeling energy experiences because I fucked-up/failed at some point within my self-change process, that I am wasting time and that I can never reclaim the lost time again, and that within that I am putting my very potential of realizing/creating myself as life within this one life here on earth I have now on the line, putting this potential on the risk;

- And to thus, take a deep breath and take as many deep breaths as necessary till I am back here within my human physical body and no longer drifting around within my mind within self-diminishing, self-defeating thoughts, backchat and emotions and feelings, and to move myself to become comfortable within my breathing and my physical human body and from there deliberately, forcefully physically move myself to stand up, forgive myself for the fall, investigate the reason as points that I allowed and accepted within me that lead to me falling/fucking up, and to forgive these reasons and commit myself to not again allow me to fall/fuck-up over/because of the same reasons/points; and so I simply stand up again, forgive me and continue walking my process.

To continue.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 13 Sep 2012, 18:49

Day 141 Self-Change? What the fuck is that? (Part 2): Physical Behavior/Living Change is a key

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the reason behind all my failure thus far to change myself for real within specific certain points, like being self-conscious, self-judgement, the fear and anxiety of others judgement, just to name but a few points, being that I have approached the point of self-change within an IDEA I created about it within my mind about what self-change implies and not what it is within physical Practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that all my attempts and failure to change myself within specific certain points, such as being self-conscious, self-judgement, my self-image, my self-perception, my fear and anxiety of others judgement, just to name but a few primary points, have been because I have been waiting for the mind, for the thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences to change FIRST, BEFORE I change within my day to day physical practical living and behavior within and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have been totally oblivious to the practical physical implications of what self-change in fact is within the context of the reality I find myself within in a moment, which at this time, is the physical, and that within the physical world, self-change implies the deliberate change within my physical practical day to day living and my physical behavior within my human physical body, but because I have been oblivious to the current-reality implications of self-change, I have been attempting to change myself by acting from within an IDEA I created within my mind about self-change, what it is and how it works, yet have never stopped, slowed myself down and questioned my approach towards self-change and my definition of self-change, what it is and how I understand it’s mechanics and functioning within the reality I find myself within, which here is the Physical Reality, despite all the numerous failures in my attempt to change me, where my definition of self-change, and my apparent ‘understanding’ of it’s mechanics and how it functions and works, have in fact been based on an idea created within my mind based on the principle of consumerism, where I expected the self-change to be immediate, easy, with the snap of a finger, like with consumerism, where I can just buy a quick fix and it’s done; where my idea as definition I have created about self-change, it’s mechanics and how it practically works has been the following: That in order to change myself, my mind as thoughts, backchat, and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences must change first to from the change of the inner experiences, such as emotions, feelings, thoughts and backchat direct the point of change and be able to change within my actual physical behavior and day to day practical physical living, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-change is: PHYSICALLY DELIBERATELY changing my daily PHYSICAL LIVING and my PHYSICAL BEHAVIOR within and as my HUMAN PHYSICAL BODY despite/in spite of all the thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences I have in moments that oppose the point of self-change, the point I am ‘desiring’ and ‘intending’ to change within me and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I must deliberately change my daily physical living, my physical behavior within and as my human physical body, like deliberately change my physical movement, the way I communicate, the words I speak, how I carry myself physically, to name but a few, and that I must not wait for my mind, for the thoughts, the backchat and the inner emotional and feeling energy experiences which I desire to change to change first, or to transform to one’s that I’d prefer more before I actually change within my daily practical physical living and physical behavior within and as my human physical body; I must force my physical living and behavioral change within my human physical body through any and all momentary/current/’old’ thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experience that oppose the particular point of self-change I am walking.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand, to take being self-conscious as an example of the ‘desired’ point of self-change, that in order to change myself for REAL regarding this point, thus change myself from being self-conscious to not being self-conscious, I must not wait for my mind, for my thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences that cause me to be self-conscious to change first, to disappear, or to transform to other ‘more comfortable’ or more preferred thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings BEFORE I actually change within my DAILY PRACTICAL PHYSICAL LIVING and PHYSICAL BEHAVIOR within and as my HUMAN PHYSICAL BODY, thus before I for example stop physically looking around me to see if people are looking at me, which is one the current physical behavior I do within being self-conscious, this physical behavior being carried out because of having thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences telling me to look around as see if people are starring at me; now I have always failed within my attempt to change feeling/being self-conscious, as an example, because I have been thinking, believing and in that WAITING for these thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling experiences that tell and thus direct me and thus cause my physical behavior of physically looking around to see if people are starring at me because of insecurity, fear and worry of them judging me, or what they think of me, that I have been waiting for these thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences that cause, direct and determine my physical behavior within my human physical body as what I physically do, how I physically move and interact with reality, with others, with myself, with the world — to change FIRST before I would change my physical behavior within my human physical body of, for example, as in this case, to physically stop/no longer look around to see and interpret peoples expression and behavior towards me, looking for signs of them judging me or what they are thinking about me, showing within their physical behavior and expression towards me; where such thoughts, such backchat and inner emotional and feeling experiences have rarely changed or ‘not been here’, not been present within me, where I have Then because they were not here/present within me, or because I had other thoughts, feelings, backchat and emotions which were stronger then these ones have allowed me to change my physical living and actual physical behavior within my human physical body, of for example, not looking around to see what people are thinking of me; within this all not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am still waiting for the mind to tell me who to be, to tell me how I should physically behave and how I should physically live, to determine my physical behavior, my physical living within my human physical body, what I physically do, how I physically carry myself, as examples, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I actually have to deliberately, ‘forcefully’ and DIRECTLY, INSTANTLY, like from One moment to the Next, change my physical practical living and my physical behavior within and as my human physical body IN SPITE, in the FACE of the current/’old’ thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences that oppose this point of self-change, where in this case of being self-conscious with the point of looking around to see peoples physical expression and behavior towards me to interpret signs of what they are thinking about me showing with their physical behavior and expression towards me; the point of actual self-change would imply to deliberately, forcefully and directly, instantly, from one moment to the next, change my physical behavior within my human physical body by deliberately deciding to NOT look around to see what people are thinking about me, and stick to this decision of not looking around, and stick thus to my deliberate, forceful and direct physical behavior change within my human physical body DESPITE/NO MATTER whether or not I have the ‘old’ thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences that tell me to look around that has previously directed, determined and caused my physical behavior within and as my human physical body to change by, as in this example, caused the physical body behavior of mine to physically look around analyzing the people’s physical body behavior and expression towards me within the environment I am in, to see signs of what they might think about me showing/reflecting within their physical behavior and expression towards me, such as if for example a girl would constantly look at me, I’d feel good, appropriate and accepted because the girl is obviously attracted to me, and if I would look around and see for example a girl not looking at me no matter how many times during the course of a timeframe I check her out to see if she’s looking at me, if she’s taking note of me, would then feel inappropriate, not good enough, ugly and have all kinds of self-judgements and self-diminishing and bizarre thoughts and backchat within me reasoning why she isn’t looking at me, why she isn’t taking note of me; to thus deliberately, forcefully and DIRECTLY, INSTANTLY, from One moment to the Next, like with just a snap of the finger, change my DAILY physical practical living and physical behavior within and as my human physical body DESPITE all the thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences that oppose this point of self-change and thus NOT WAIT for the thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences to change or stop FIRST BEFORE ‘I’/Self/Me actually change my daily physical practical living and physical behavior within and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that breath, breathing comfortably and slowing myself down thus to the pace of physical breath, physical space and time movement as breath, is a great assistance and support structure within being able to assert this deliberate, forceful and direct change within my daily physical practical living and physical behavior within and as my human physical body despite all the ‘old’ thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences that oppose this point of self-change and attempt to ‘drag’ me ‘back’ into the old pattern, the old physical living and physical behavior within and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the key to actual real substantial physical self-change is the deliberate, ‘forceful’ and direct change within one’s daily practical physical living and physical behavior within and as one’s human physical body in spite of all the ‘old’/current thoughts, backchat and inner emotional and feeling energy experiences that might oppose this point of self-change.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the key to actual, real, substantial and physical self-change is the actual, direct and deliberate change within one’s daily physical practical living and physical behavior within and as one’s human physical body and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that after all this is the implications, what it means to LIVE in fact, to be the DECISION MAKER in fact, to be the DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE in fact, to be the ‘ONE’ that LIVE in fact.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by the key to actual, real, substantial and physical self-change being the deliberate and direct change within my daily physical practical living and physical behavior within and as my human physical body — I must investigate each point I desire to change within and as me and find out what it is that I must actually change within and as my daily physical practical living and physical behavior within and as my human physical body to facilitate and substantiate the actual manifestation of the ‘desired’ and walked self-change, and that I must take the time to find this because it is the actual real solution that will bring about the desired self-change by sticking to it, asserting it within and through physical time and space till it’s manifested physically in fact as self here in the flesh.




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