Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 15 Aug 2012, 18:22

Day 120 Mind, Thoughts and Backchat as Bully

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to bully me and my physical body through judgmental thoughts and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my mind permission and authority to bully me and my physical body through judgmental thoughts and backchat and for me not doing anything about it but remaining idle watching the abuse happening right inside me because I am so tuned into the thoughts and backchat that I lost myself here in and as the physical and went up into my mind where I only hear and see my thoughts and backchat judging me where I’m not even aware of myself, thinking and believing that I am the very thoughts and backchat that judge and bully me and my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the very first thought and backchat I give into and not immediately correct and stop as the self-directive principle to remain here as breath, will transfer me from Here as and within the physical awareness and presence of me into the mind dimension where I ‘lose’ myself here in and as the physical where I then only see and hear my thoughts and backchat in my mind, not even being aware of myself because I am so tuned into the thoughts and backchat believing them to be actually me and therefor I do not stop.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I must precisely be self-aware of each and every single breath I take and act immediately whenever thoughts and backchat emerge inside my mind and direct the moment to a self-honest outcome where I remain the self-directive principle, because I see, realize and understand that if I but allow even one single thought or line of backchat to get away within my mind and participate in it, that it will transfer me from here as the physical into the mind where I become lost and only much later on return back to the physical, when the mind has sucked my body dry of it’s physical energy and the physical experience of exhaustion or pain brings me back to reality as the physical.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that all my emotional and feeling experiences I have within me are in fact not real, because I see, realize and understand that every of my emotional and feeling experiences can be traced back to the backchat and thoughts that emerged FIRST in my mind, from where through my permission and allowance to participate in the thought and backchat, the thought and backchat GENERATED the emotional/feeling experience and with that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I stop the backchat and thought that FUELS and GENERATES and MAINTAINS the emotional/feeling experience, that the emotional/feeling experience will stop and I see, realize and understand that this stopping of the emotional/feeling experience when I stop the backchat and thought that generates it, is evidence of the fakeness and illusion of the emotional/feeling experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all my inferiority, ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am ugly’, ‘my body isn’t good enough’ and all other self-diminishing and self-victimizing emotional/feeling/energy experiences are NOT real and that there are actual THOUGHTS and BACKCHAT going on and on in my mind, in a loop, that maintain and generate the very emotional/feeling/energy experience and that when I stop these, the emotional/feeling/energy experiences will stop as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trace back the actual thought and backchat manifestations that are going on and on in a loop in my mind in the background of the emotional/feeling/energy experience I experience in a moment, like self-judgment, and stop these and not allow myself to participate, follow and believe these backchat and thought manifestations in the back of my mind, because I see, realize and understand that these thought and backchat manifestation going on and on in my mind in a loop are the one’s that came FIRST and GENERATED the emotional/feeling/energy experience itself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I CAN stop the emotional/feeling/energy experiences inside me, like self-judgment and fear/anxiety of others judgments, and that I have just been looking in the wrong places on how to stop them, not realizing, seeing, understanding, noticing and being aware of the actual THOUGHTS and BACKCHAT manifestations that would come up in my mind FIRST and BEFORE the actual emotional/feeling/energy experience, which I would allow to exist in me and in which I would thus participate, follow and believe, where these THOUGHTS and BACKCHAT manifestations would then GENERATE the emotional/feeling/energy experience itself and will then ‘move to’ and run in the background of my mind ‘silently’, where I am NOT even anymore aware of the thoughts and backchat manifestations because I am too preoccupied with the much ‘louder’ ‘noise’ of/as the emotional/feeling/energy experience with which I struggle and fight with, in this all not seeing, realizing and understanding that there are actually thoughts and backchat behind these emotional/feeling/energy experiences running in the background in my mind that are constantly generating and maintaining the very emotional/feeling/energy experiences I have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to notice the actual thought and backchat manifestations running ‘silently’ in the background of my mind generating the respective emotional/feeling/energy experience I have in a moment, because I am too preoccupied with ONLY the emotional/feeling/energy experience that I miss and don’t notice the dynamo that generate the emotional/feeling/energy experience, which is my THOUGHTS and BACKCHAT manifestations in my mind.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and my body through my mind in and as accepting and allowing my mind to judge me and my body and tell me how I should see myself and my body and how I should define myself and my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my thoughts and backchat to bully me and my body, by judging me and my body and telling me how I should see and define myself and my body, because I allow the thought and backchat manifestations that emerge in my mind that judge me and my body to exist and come up in me and allow myself to follow, participate in and believe my thoughts and backchat manifestations that judge me and in that believe them to be me and believe them thus to be real and that they are telling the truth and that they in fact KNOW ME and my body in detail to be able to judge, define and tell me who I am and who, what and how my body is.

Self-Corrective statements

I commit myself to not allow my mind as thoughts and backchat to bully me and my body through judgment of me and my body.

I commit myself to not allow myself to bully myself and my body through my mind by accepting and allowing the thoughts and backchat that judge me and my body to exist in me and by not accepting and allowing myself to follow, give into, participate in and BELIEVE the judgement and words of my thoughts and backchat towards me and my body, but remain breathing here grounded in my own physical body because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ am not the thought and backchat manifestations in my mind that judge, discriminate and bully me and my body because ‘I’/’Self‘/’Me’ made the decision to STOP to judge me and my body.

I commit myself to assist and support me with and through breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to identify and stop any and all ways I as the mind use to bully me and my body, and not accept and allow any justification for the self-bullying and body-bullying going on and happening.

I commit myself to assist and support me through constant practice to be precisely aware of each and every single breath I take, to so be aware of each and every single thoughts and backchat emerging in my mind to so be able to ‘catch’ and stop the thought and backchat immediately and direct myself to an self-honest outcome, remaining as the self-directive principle, because I commit myself to see, realize and understand that if I allow but even one single thought and/or backchat to slip my attention and get away with it’s existence/emergence in my mind, that it will transfer me from here as the physical awareness and presence of and as me, into the mind, where I become ‘lost’ and so the mind has full reign and control over me, doing what it wants to do with me, because I am not HERE, not present, for I allowed myself to become ‘lost’ deliberately by giving into even ONE single thought and backchat.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that to give into even ONE single thought and backchat line and allow it to run rampant in my mind without directing it in self-honesty and as the self-directive principle in and as breath, is to deliberately abdicate my directive power and authority and allow the mind to take over and direct me.

Thus, I commit myself to take self-responsibility for EACH and EVERY single thought and backchat manifestation emerging in my mind and to direct them IMMEDIATELY in self-honesty and not automatically follow and accept and believe them as soon as they emerge in my mind, and to assist and support me with and through breathing and remaining here in my physical body, being aware of the presence of me as and in my physical body, to be aware of any and all thought and backchat manifestations that emerge in my mind.

I commit myself to not allow me to just stand by and watch my mind as judgemental, self-diminishing and self-victimizing thoughts and backchat to bully me and my body but to immediately stop the abuse and not allow myself to bully myself through my own mind as thoughts and backchat, doing so by not allowing myself to participate, follow and believe the judgement and words my thoughts and backchat have of and towards me and remain here breathing because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ made the decision to stop to bully and judge me and my body and thus the thought and backchat manifestations that still do so are not ‘Me’/’Self‘/’I’ but a resonant system-manifestation that runs automatically that I need to trace back to it’s origin starting-point and simply forgive and let-go of it and live the self-correction of it.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that my emotional/feeling/energy experiences are all in fact fake and an illusion because I see, realize and understand that they are all SELF-CREATED through THOUGHTS and BACKCHAT which would emerge in my mind in which I would participate, follow and believe, that would then only from there on GENERATE the emotional/feeling/energy experience like a dynamo.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that behind each and every single emotional/feeling/energy experience I have, are thoughts and backchat manifestations running ‘silently’ in a loop in the background of my mind within which I participate that in the first place generated the emotional/feeling/energy experience I have and is maintaining it, but that I am not aware of it because I am too preoccupied with ONLY the emotional/feeling/energy experience and because I ALLOWED and gave PERMISSION to the thought and backchat manifestation to exist in me when it emerged in my mind and did not self-direct it to an self-honest outcome immediately.

I commit myself within that, to not allow me to ‘lose’ myself in ONLY the emotional/feeling/energy experience where I then do NOT even see, realize, notice and am aware of the actual THOUGHT and BACKCHAT manifestations existent behind the very emotional/feeling/energy experience that run ‘silently’ in the background of my mind in a loop generating and maintaining the emotional/feeling/energy experience, and to thus assist and support myself instead to within and as the breath remain HERE in and as my physical human body and NOT allow me to ‘tune into’ the emotional/feeling/energy experience as ONE point ONLY where I am ONLY preoccupied with this ONE point and see only this ONE point, but to instead see the TOTALITY of my inner experience, and see the THOUGHT and BACKCHAT manifestations that came FIRST that generated the emotional/feeling/energy experience, and so be able to STOP them and so equally as one STOP the emotional/feeling/energy experience.

I commit myself to not allow my mind as thoughts and backchat to tell me who I am and who, what and how my body is.

I commit myself to not allow me to judge, define and see myself through what my mind as thoughts and backchat tell me I should judge, define and see myself as.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that ‘I’ as the being in the physical see directly who and what I am and who, what and how my body is in self-honesty and do not need my mind as thoughts and backchat to judge, define and tell me who I am and who, what and how my body is and that I cannot trust and believe my mind as thoughts and backchat telling me things about me because I, in the first place, am totally oblivious to the fact why and how these thoughts and backchat manifestations REALLY exist and how they REALLY were created in the first place, so how do I know that it is ‘me’ in fact and why would I judge, bully, discriminate, diminish, victimize and suppress myself and my own body? That’s stupid !



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 16 Aug 2012, 17:25

Day 121 Self-Judgment character (Part 3): I am the gatekeeper

These are self-corrective statements for Day 113 Self-Judgment character (Part 2): Self-Judgment happens only in MY MIND. I am the one that decide to judge or NOT to judge.

I commit myself to no longer react in fear and anxiety when there are self-judgmental thoughts and backchat in me because I see, realize and understand that the reason why I react in fear and anxiety towards such thoughts and backchat is because of believing the thoughts and backchat that are judging me and that I then in that belief try to fight it off because I don’t want it to be true, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I myself am the one who decides whether the judgement is true or not by believing in it and making it personal, which means that I judge and define myself through my thoughts and backchat manifestations of self-judgment.

Thus, I commit myself to not allow me to go into fear and anxiety towards thought and backchat manifestations of self-judgment in my mind and to immediately stop and let go of the fear and anxiety should I experience it as a reaction to the thought and backchat manifestations of self-judgement that emerge in my mind, and instead breathe me back into and as my physical body and see, realize, understand and remind myself that I am the one that decide whether or not I believe in these self-judgmental thought and backchat manifestations and that I within that hold the power and ability to NOT judge me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that ‘I’ must make the decision to NOT judge me and to thus not participate in and believe any self-judgmental thought and backchat manifestations that emerge in my mind, but to breathe through it within the decision I made to NOT judge me.

I commit myself to not allow me to fear the thought and backchat manifestations of self-judgement that emerge in my mind, and to instead breathe through them within the realization and understanding that it’s NOT ‘me’ because ‘I’ live the decision of NOT judging me.

I commit myself to not allow me to take the thought and backchat manifestations of/as self-judgment that emerge in my mind personal and to not react to them, but instead simply breathe through them within and as living my decision of and as NOT judging myself.

I commit myself to not allow me to take others judgement of me personally and to not react in fear, anxiety and self-judgement towards their judgement of me, but to instead breathe through it because I see, realize and understand that even though others judge me, their judgement still goes through MY mind and become MY own thoughts and backchat from where I decide whether or not I will judge me through their judgement or not.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have absolute control, directive and decisive power in and as making the decision to judge or NOT judge me because I see, realize and understand that any and all SELF-judgement happens within MY own MIND manifesting in forms of thoughts and backchat which I believe to be me and because of that self-believe and self-definition of and as being my thoughts and backchat that judge me, I judge me through my own thoughts and backchat.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am the gatekeeper that stand between the two worlds of ‘judging myself’ and ‘NOT judging myself’ as I see, realize and understand that all judgement has to pass me and get my permission and allowance before it becomes MY judgement/SELF-judgement.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show how all judgement, no matter where it comes from, must first pass MY mind and get MY permission and allowance before it becomes MY judgement, before it becomes SELF-judgement and that I am in that the one who DECIDE whether I will judge me or will NOT judge me.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show how when others judge me, their judgement will become MY thoughts and backchat, and only when their judgement exist in my own mind in form of thought and backchat manifestations can it become SELF-judgement if and when I believe these thoughts and backchat and judge myself through them.

I commit myself within that, to NOT allow others judgement to become MY thoughts and backchat. And I commit myself within that, to NOT allow others judgement to become MY judgement.

I commit myself to when I see and find myself to have self-judgement thoughts and backchat within my mind, to NOT participate in it and to NOT believe it and to NOT judge myself through it, but instead breathe through it and see, realize and understand that this is the self-corrective application of stopping me from judging myself and judging others.

I commit myself to when I see and find myself to have thoughts and backchat manifestations within which I judge others or me, to NOT participate in them and stop participation in them if I am already participating, and to NOT believe them and simply breathe through them, not accepting and allowing myself to judge others or myself through my judgmental thought and backchat manifestations.

I commit myself to when and as I see and find myself to have any form of judgemental thoughts and backchat towards others or myself to immediately stop and remind myself that ‘I’ made the decision to NOT judge myself nor others and so live my decision by not believing my judgemental thoughts and backchat and so NOT judge others or myself through them.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that no one besides me can judge me because I see, realize and understand that any and all judgement, be it from others or from myself, firstly form in MY own MIND in the form of thoughts and backchat from where I then decide to either follow, participate in and believe them or not and thus I decide whether I will judge or NOT judge myself through my own thoughts and backchat manifestations.

I commit myself to NOT allow others judgement of me to change how I see myself and my body.

I commit myself to NOT allow my judgemental thought and backchat manifestations to change how I see myself and my body.

I commit myself to NOT allow others judgement of me to make me judge myself and my body.

I commit myself to NOT allow my judgemental thought and backchat manifestations to make me judge myself and my body.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that others judgement of me will become MY thoughts and backchat through which I judge me, if I allow others judgment of me to become MY thoughts and backchat.

Thus, I commit myself to when others judge me to NOT allow their judgement of me or of another to become MY thoughts and backchat through which I then judge myself or others.

I commit myself to NOT allow me to COPY the judgement others have of me or of another and make it MY thoughts and backchat from where I then judge myself and another in the same way.

I commit myself to assist and support me with and through breathing to position myself in and as my physical body in a comfortable way from where I assist and support me through further comfortable and steady breathing to breathe through any thoughts and backchat manifestations that judge me or another that would emerge and come-up in my mind, to so NOT allow me to participate, follow and believe in these thought and backchat manifestations and NOT judge myself or another through them.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I will become physically tense and uncomfortable when and if I have any judgemental thoughts and backchat in my mind towards myself and to use this change of my physical experience as a reference and flag-point to red-flag that I am judging myself and to then assist and support myself to DELIBERATLY breathe slowly, steady and comfortably and change my physical movement and position into where I feel physically comfortable and simply breathe through the self-judgement thoughts and backchat and NOT participate, follow and BELIEVE it.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with and through changing my physical body movement and expression into a way where I feel physically comfortable and can breathe slowly, steady, comfortably, evenly and fully as a living application of allowing myself to express myself without fear, anxiety and self-judgement because I see, realize and understand that if I allow me to exist in fear, anxiety and self-judgment I will become physically tense and uncomfortable, and this is my reference.

I commit myself to not allow me to go into self-protection mode when I see self-judgement thoughts and backchat emerge and come-up in my mind, but to not allow me to participate, follow and believe the thoughts and backchat and not allow me to judge myself through them and to instead breathe through them. I commit myself to see, realize and understand that my self-judgement thoughts and backchat can not do any harm unto me and cannot make me something I am not allowing and accepting myself to be. Thus ‘I’ decide whether I will allow my thoughts and backchat to change how I see and define myself and my body or not.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 20 Aug 2012, 09:41

Day 124 Positive and Negative Characters (Part 1): Charaters I like and Characters I hate

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s not to switch characters of preference if I don’t like one character and if it comprises my social life, but about stopping all characters, preferred and hated ones, because it’s not who I am here as a physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because I don’t like the introvert and self-conscious characters, switch characters in the moment I see and find myself being in the self-conscious character, where I go to the opposite, and become the socially competent character, where I act in bizarre ways and expressions that are based on the IDEA of how I must act socially to be accepted, liked and approved by others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that neither of the characters are real because they are based and composed of ideas, thoughts, backchat, emotional-, feeling energy experience and are not physically real as self-expression because they are just based on ideas created throughout time as my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I stop one character, immediately and automatically set forth the process of creating another character, mostly the opposite of the one I stopped, so I can feel a freedom to do what I want to do because I stopped the one character that I hated because it was compromising and robbing my freedom; instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not about stopping negative characters as characters I don’t prefer and replacing them with the creation of positive characters as characters I prefer, like and cherish, but about stopping all characters and becoming and living physically as the body, where the living is done in space and time as each singular and individual breath and the living is based on practicality and physical fact/is-ness and not on ideas, beliefs and opinions created within my mind throughout time as my past, influenced by the world in it’s entirety and thus can’t be trusted to be real because it was NOT ME who created those characters in AWARENESS and consideration of all consequences, effects, side effects, benefits and disadvantages it will have when and if I create it.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see that I am participating in the self-conscious character, instead of simply stopping and realigning myself back to physical living as breath, step-out of the one character and step into another character which suits me more in the moment, which I prefer and like to experience more in a moment, such as stepping into a character where I have positive thoughts and backchat to cheer me up and uplift me in my energy experience and make me feel good, not seeing, realizing and understanding the self-bullshitting and illusion I am creating, accepting and allowing myself to participate and live in, and not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am just suppressing the negative thoughts and backchat in my mind that diminish, suppress and victimize me through making-up positive thoughts and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a database of characters in my mind categorized by like and dislike, where there are characters I dislike and hate and characters I like, prefer, want, cherish and fear to give-up. And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto certain characters because I prefer and like them because they make my life easier, but not realizing that how I make my life easier through these characters is not based on physical fact and physical betterment but only on feeling better through creating thoughts and backchat that talk me up and created the feeling-, energy experience of/as happiness, superimposing the positive energy experience onto the negative one, suppressing the negative with positive in that, through which everything seems so great and beautiful, but only because I am seeing my OWN self-created bubble world in my mind and not the physical reality I live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create characters into which I step in my world to become socially more effective and competent, so that I can interact better socially with other human beings, where I act based on ideas I have created within my mind which I superimpose onto myself and my body, making myself see myself and my body through these ideas, where I see myself and act as more then I am here as a physical being and make my body more then what it is as organic matter, because I don’t accept, like, love, validate and approve of myself as I am here as a physical being and of my body as it is and exist as as the organic matter, form, structure and expression it exist as and consist of at the very moment, and am too ashamed of myself and my body as-is here because of various self-judgements based on IDEAS created in my mind about how I am apparently ‘supposed’ to express and how my body is apparently ‘supposed’ to be and look like; that I need to disguise myself into a character which I see as better, more and superior to myself and my body as-is here, to so raise my chance of being socially successful because apparently who I am here and who, what and how my body is here is not good enough for relationships, the world and others according to my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen and pay attention to and believe, define, judge myself through and accepted myself AS my backchats victimizing, diminishing, suppressing and bullying me by judging me and my body, telling me I am not good enough and my body isn’t good enough, instead of NOT believing the fucker and NOT following it because I see, realize and understand that it’s NOT ‘me’ because ‘I’ wouldn’t use my own thoughts and backchat to diminish, victimize, suppress and bully me and my body.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 20 Aug 2012, 09:57

Day 125 Positive and Negative Characters (Part 2): Charaters I like and Characters I hate

This is a continuation to Day 124 Positive and Negative Character (Part 1): Charaters I like and Characters I hate

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it’s not about switching characters and deleting only the characters I hate and don’t prefer and keep the ones I like, prefer, cherish and love, but about stopping ALL characters because all characters are a separation from self here and as long as I exist as various characters, I am not here as a physical living being working with the physical fact and is-ness but still occupied in illusionary worlds that only the respective characters can see and access, though lack the ability to see the actual real world as the physical that is here amongst all the multiple bubble realities of each single character.

And in that, I commit myself to assist and support myself with and through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to find and delete/stop ALL characters, both the ones I like, prefer, love, cherish and want to experience, as well as the ones I hate, to through that ‘find’ my ‘way’ ‘back’ into the physical to live as a physical being working with the fact and is-ness of the physical existence as things are as they are and not ‘made’ ‘more’ or ‘less’ through the eyes and interpretation of characters.

I commit myself to stop loving and preferring certain characters over others and in that relationship of like and dislike towards each single character, fear to give up the ones I like, prefer and love, but to see, realize and understand that ALL characters, be it the ones I like or the ones I dislike, are BOTH the same illusionary creation just with different content making up the respective characters.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the characters I like, love, cherish, want, refuse and fear to give up are characters that represent attributes, points and characteristics that I am not fulfilling within myself through giving these to myself but only pursue such fulfillment of myself through creating an EXPERIENCE of those points, attributes and characteristics I desire through the respective characters that represent that point, attribute and characteristic I accept me as separate from. And I commit myself to through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application find what it is that I am not giving to and accepting as myself but only seek the EXPERIENCE of it through living as certain characters, and to in that stop the self-separation from that point, characteristic and attribute I seek to have through an external point/thing but assist and support me through breath, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to stand equal to, one with and accept myself as that point, characteristic and attribute, give ‘it’ to myself DIRECTLY, realize that I have separated myself from it and already accepted it as being separate from me and unable to ‘be’ ‘me’, and in that realize myself as and stand equal and one with and as ‘it’.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that the characters I like, prefer, want, love and fear to give up are the ones through which I make myself EXPERIENCE/FEEL myself as being ‘more’, ‘better’ and ‘superior’ to the being I am in the flesh, in the organic matter as the physical body here as-is, because I accept and see myself as just not good enough as I am here as a physical being in the organic matter as the physical body and feel too ashamed and embarrassed of myself and my body as-is here, that I need to disguise me into a character I crated that I see as a ‘better’, ‘superior’, ‘more lovable’, ‘more acceptable’, ‘more fun’ version of ‘Me’.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that the characters I hold onto and prefer as opposed to the ones I hate, are all multiple versions of myself I created to feel better, superior and more then I am here as-is as a physical being in the organic matter as the physical body.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that all characters I hold onto, fear to give up, like, prefer, cherish and love to live as are the ones that I see as better versions of ‘Me’, that I become to feel more secure in this world and society, instead of feeling insecure the entire time because of various backchats telling me that this and that is not right, this and that is flawed in me and my body from which self-judgement and self-definition ensues and I commit myself to in that, assist and support myself through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to stop diminishing and suppressing myself as the being in the physical body as the physical body itself, through stepping into characters I accept, see and define as ‘better’ and ‘superior’ versions of ‘Me’ because I am apparently not good enough as the original ‘version’ of ‘Me’ as the physical being here in and as the physical body itself according to my backchat and thoughts and to instead assist and support me to live as the ‘original’ ‘version’ of/as ‘Me’ as the being in the physical in and as the physical body itself, realizing, seeing and understanding that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ as in ‘not good enough’ with ‘it’ like my self-judgmental thoughts and backchats tell me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself through self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective application and breathing to accept and stop judging the ‘original’ ‘version’ of me as ‘me as the physical body’ and to in that self-acceptance as stopping self-judgement and trying to become a ‘more’, ‘better’ and ‘superior’ version of ‘me’, learn what it means to in fact love, accept and care for ‘Self’.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that it’s about physical living here in and as the physical body and that that can’t be achieved as long as there are any characters existent within myself, neither with the ones I like nor with the ones I dislike, because I see, realize and understand that any character is composed of illusions as ideas manifesting in the form of thoughts and backchat from which the character gets it’s instructions for living from, from where it then acts, and thus it does not live and work with the physical fact and is-ness of and as this reality but only operate in it’s own bubble created through and composed of mere IDEAS and make-believe knowledge and information.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that NO character can be trusted, neither the ones I like nor the ones I dislike, because none of the characters existent in me at present time, were created in MY AWARENESS, but self-accepted automatically in a process throughout time and space as my past, copied knowledge and information as opinions of others self-accepted as ‘real’.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it’s simply about stopping living as a character and stepping out of it and realigning myself to physical living as breath when I find myself participating in it, and not about just stepping into another character that I prefer more.

So, I commit myself to when and as I see and find myself to be participating in a character, to immediately stop and realign myself back to physical living here as breath, living practically in this world, and thus not just step into another character which I prefer to experience more then the one I stepped out of.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that the characters I love, cherish, like and don’t want to give up are the ones through which I can ‘cheer me up’ and uplift me energetically, creating all sorts of positive feel good energy experiences within me to superimpose onto and thus suppress the negative energy experience I have and dislike, to so through the positive feel good energy experiences become again more ‘alive’.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that I use the characters I love, cherish, want and fear to give up as a way to return from the ‘dead’ as the negative energy experiences and become ‘alive’ again as the positive energy experiences.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that only PHYSICAL self-change and betterment is the way through which an easier and better life can be experienced and that all other attempts to create an easier and better life, such as through positive thinking and positive energy experience creation are ILLUSIONS and subject to infinite chatter in the mind talking positive bullshit, suppressing and ignoring all physical negative fact existent in this world and within self, in order to create and maintain the positive energy experience illusion of/as a ‘better’ and ‘easier’ life.

I commit myself to stop creating characters through which I try to achieve the ‘Self’ that I believe that I am ‘supposed’ to be and express as and that my body is ‘supposed’ to be and look like because I see, realize and understand that the ‘Self’ and ‘Body’ I believe I am ‘supposed’ to be and have are self-created IDEAS created through Fear and Desire.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 20 Aug 2012, 10:23

Day 125 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 2): Validating my decison to give-up

Note: At the end of my self-forgiveness I realized that this is part of the pattern identified in Day 123 The “Back to the Past” Timeframe-Pattern (Part 1): “Fuck this process shit, I want my old life back!” Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sluggish and watch aimless shit on YouTube and on TV, where I myself even don’t know what I should watch as nothing turn me on anymore, but do it anyway because it’s much better then moving, facing and applying myself in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to the thought and backchat I had telling me to watch TV, take some rest from my everyday process routine and have some fun by watching TV and videos on YouTube I’d like to watch because I can and will resume taking self-responsibility again tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I had the backchat “I have been doing the same things everyday for some months now. I can take some rest from it. At least one day. One day won’t hurt me and I will continue with my responsibilities and process walking tomorrow again. It’s okay.” accepted it and allowed myself to believe in the bullshit it was chatting about in my mind, instead of having self-directed myself in that moment and realized that prior to that backchat I’ve had thoughts that showed tedious work if I were to do my everyday things again and pictures showing things I did in the past, through which I felt good doing these and I decided to pursue the good feeling my thoughts were offering me and to get away from the bad feeling that I would get if I were again do the same things I do every day for months now; my process walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still continue being lazy and postponing, sitting on the couch in the most sluggish and lazy position, starring at videos on YouTube I don’t even really want to watch, and thinking about what to do on the Internet because I can’t find anything purposeful to do on it; to continue doing that despite all the backchat and guilt I experience because I am aware that I am deliberately being self-dishonest and justifying and despite all the self-judgement going on in my mind because of my self-awareness that I am deliberately abdicating my authority and directive will power.

And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress the backchat, guilt and self-judgement going on in my mind in a constant continuous loop because of being aware of my deliberateness in my self-dishonesty, and try to make my self-dishonest participation ‘okay’ in my mind, just so I could continue postponing taking and living self-responsibility and facing myself by and through walking my process daily to the utmost potential that I’m able to.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that doing what I ‘like’ and prefer more then walking my process, is in fact no ‘fun’ experience with all the backchat, guilt and self-judgement that I experience continuously, which comes from my self-awareness and understanding that I am deliberately being self-dishonest and despite of that self-awareness continue with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been digging a hole instead of immediately standing up and ending the self-dishonesty participation once I saw and realized what I was doing; but because I judged me and feared to stand up again, I continued with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for finding myself deliberately participating in self-dishonesty and justifying it for an extended period of time, because of the fear that I fucked it ALL up, once again, and had the backchat “I will never get it because once again, I idiot fucked up, in FULL damn awareness and deliberateness of my doing.” and in that accepted the backchat as me and allowed myself to feel discouraged and wanted to give up because I had thoughts telling/showing me that to continue with my process again is to no avail because I have to start ALL over again and won’t ever get it because I still fucked up after all this work of self-forgiveness and writing I did, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that once again this event showed and revealed the existence of existent backdoors within me that were still existent in my mind and of which I made use of, and that I need to delete these backdoors, and that now I got the perfect opportunity for since they have been reveled. So, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that no self-judgement and self-diminishment and self-victimization is necessary, but immediate self-correction to remove the backdoors one by one the moment they get revealed.

Backchat I had:

“Oh no… I fucked up again… I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process as if nothing has happened…”

“Damn it… It’s to no avail… My corrective statement, my self-forgiveness, my writing, my process so far… Nothing changed… I still fucked up at the same damn points… No amount of self-will I so believed and was ‘certain’ that I had achieved prevented this from happening… What should I do.. I am so hopeless…”

“Now that I fucked up and am in that pattern, I might as well stay in it and just continue doing what I started. I mean, I screwed up anyway”

“Oh no… I don’t want to… It’s going to be so hard and difficult… I have do re-walk everything again… I just can’t do that… It’s just too much for me… Let me just continue with what I am doing since I already screwed up”

“I know that I can stop immediately and just continue with my process, but it feels so impossible to do now since I fucked up…”

“Just one more minute and I will stand up and forgive what I did and continue with my process”

“Yeah, I see what I am doing and how to stop it and that I CAN stop it, but I don’t want to now, since I already screwed up let me continue for today and I will do the forgiveness later or tomorrow”

“Man, I enjoy this so much. Let me just continue for today. Yes, I see what I am doing and that it’s self-dishonest but since I already screwed up and continued with it for so long, let’s just continue with it for this entire day and I will face me later with and through self-forgiveness and stop this pattern/character/point”

“I actually want to do this right now, so after I do this I might stop and just stand up and continue with my process walking, but for now, I REALLY want to watch this video right now because I am eagerly interested in it and I think it’s valuable information”

“If you do this it’s going to be fun, do you remember? And since you screwed up already why not just continue a little bit longer with it. I mean it can’t get any worse from here on”

“How am I going to stand up again after I screwed up and continued with it for so long already..?”

“I know it’s not right, but I can’t just stand up. I just can’t.. I fucked up already for so long.. There’s no way I can do that.. I might as well continue a little longer. Maybe it will get easier” (I hope that it will be easier to stand-up and change myself later like I saw me change and stop so easily in my thoughts where I projected the moment of change and standing up into the future and it went so easily and fluently in my thoughts)

Bernard Poolman: “Understand that self change is a decision that must be walked each breath for 7 years to have stability that is trustworthy.”

Bernard Poolman: “In this one walk the change into the physical as the living breathing pattern.”

Bernard Poolman: “The sooner one stick to consistency–the quicker this will be done”



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 21 Aug 2012, 15:59

Day 126 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 3): Validating my decison to give-up (Part 2)

This is a continuation to Day 125 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 2): Validating my decison to give-up and thus a continuation to the pattern identified in Day 123 The “Back to the Past” Timeframe-Pattern (Part 1): “Fuck this process shit, I want my old life back!” Character

Here I am applying self-forgiveness on the individual backchat lines identified in Day 125 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 2): Validating my decison to give-up:

Backchat: “Oh no… I fucked up again… I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process as if nothing has happened…”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat “Oh no… I fucked up again… I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process as if nothing has happened…” to exist within me and for accepting and allowing myself to participate in it, believe it and define myself through it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the backchat “Oh no… I fucked up again… I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process as if nothing has happened…” to become the law of my being where I submit to the backchat and to it’s instructions it gave me as: “I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process” and in that I did not stand up, simply forgave myself and continued walking my process but instead remained further in the fear I was experiencing for fucking up, remaining idle and in self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the backchat saying “Oh no… I fucked up again… I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process as if nothing has happened…” and because I believed it to be me, I believe what it was saying and in that accepted the words “I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process” as my reality as if it’s fucking true and so abide to the backchat’s instructions and did NOT stand up, forgave me and simply continued walking my process but remained idle, participating in fear and wallowing in self-pity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I could have indeed stood up right away, immediately, once I saw and became aware of my self-dishonesty and simply forgive myself and move on with my process, but I did not do so because I allowed myself to believe and participate in my backchat, believing it to be me and in that following it’s instructions as words it was telling me because I thought I was following my instructions, but yet not even questioning my own instructions as the nature of words it was consisting of as “I cannot stand up and continue with my process”, which is bullshit because I CAN.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that equally as I made the decision to follow my backchat, believe it and become idle in my movement, I can equally so reverse the decision to move out of the idleness pattern and continue with my process, and see, realize and understand that it just ONE DECISION away that has to be made DELIBERATELY by MYSELF, DELIBERATELY as it was made to become idle.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within the very words of my backchat as “I fucked up again” that I was judging myself and within that self-judgement generated the desire to give up, which is why I did not stood up right away when I saw and realized what I was doing, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not to judge myself when I fuck up but to immediately self-correct myself and that that can in fact be done without self-judgement

Backchat: “Damn it… It’s to no avail… My corrective statement, my self-forgiveness, my writing, my process so far… Nothing changed… I still fucked up at the same damn points… No amount of self-will I so believed and was ‘certain’ that I had achieved prevented this from happening… What should I do.. I am so hopeless…”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “Damn it… It’s to not avail… My corrective statements, my self-forgiveness, my writings, my process so far… Nothing changed… I still fucked up at the same damn points… No amount of self-will I so believed and was ‘certain’ that I had achieved prevented this from happening… What should I do.. I am so hopeless…” to exist within and as me, and for me following it, participating in it, believing it and defining myself through it and in that allowed myself to follow it’s instructions instead of having remained self-directive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the nature of this backchat being that of self-defeat and self-diminishment, using my own process and past against me, talking me into hopelessness, helplessness, depression and giving-up instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that, man, I simply fucked up, meaning I haven’t been effective enough yet and there were still backdoors existent that got revealed now, and since the point came through now it’s the perfect opportunity to walk it and close these backdoors, so I can correct myself and stop myself using the same backdoors again, and that’s it; no ‘big’ deal as in having to judge myself and talk myself into self-defeat and self-diminishment where I believe that I did something so horrific and uncorrectable that I am eternally lost from here on without being able to stand up and continue with my process ever, not seeing, realizing and understanding that that is what my backchat is telling me together with the generation of various negative emotions to not stand up and continue walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust into an IDEA I have created within my mind about having a certain level of self-will that is unbeatable and indestructible and will stand any test of time always, defining myself to actually have that self-will, not seeing, realizing and understanding that that self-definition is not based on physical proven evidence but on the desire to have such level of self-will and when I fuck up, go into extreme self-judgement and depression because I did not have the self-will I so believed I had, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-will is a PROCESS, as the self-will accumulates and strengthens with every breath of self-directive self-application and living, which is the process walked in space and time to prove that self-will in fact exist and is not just an experience and idea based on desire that became self-definition and self-belief.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the ‘nature’ of my backchat being that of self-defeat and self-diminishment, where I talk myself into the character of giving-up when I fucked up, instead of simply standing up, forgiving myself and moving on with my process, seeing, realizing and understanding that there were still backdoors existent within my mind that I made use of to escape from facing myself in all ways as the mind, and that I have to forgive and correct myself in relation to these backdoors existent and so simply move on, without self-judgemental thoughts and backchat in my mind that diminish me to nothing more but giving-up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the nature of the backchats used is equally an attempt to justify my DELIBERATE decision to NOT move, because I want to pursue my self-interest through entertainment, like watching TV, listening to music, playing games etc.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the backchat was used to manipulate myself into making it seem ‘okay’ that I am pursuing my self-interest/happiness through entertainment, like TV, music and games, to fool me deliberately to make me actually believe that I cannot stop because of the various energy and physical experiences I was experiencing, deliberately not seeing that I am using my own backchat and thoughts to generate these energy and physical experiences to validate the belief of apparently being unable to do anything against and stop my self-dishonesty, to so be able to continue pursuing my self-interest as happiness through entertainment, such as TV, music and games.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the backchat is what I used to justify and continue my deliberate decision to pursue my self-interest as happiness through entertainment, such as TV, music and games.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the nature of the backchat used being to validate my decision to give-up on process to through that be able to go back to my old life of self-interest and happiness.

To continue with the rest of the backchat:

“Now that I fucked up and am in that pattern, I might as well stay in it and just continue doing what I started. I mean, I screwed up anyway”

“Oh no… I don’t want to… It’s going to be so hard and difficult… I have do re-walk everything again… I just can’t do that… It’s just too much for me… Let me just continue with what I am doing since I already screwed up”

“I know that I can stop immediately and just continue with my process, but it feels so impossible to do now since I fucked up…”

“Just one more minute and I will stand up and forgive what I did and continue with my process”

“Yeah, I see what I am doing and how to stop it and that I CAN stop it, but I don’t want to now, since I already screwed up let me continue for today and I will do the forgiveness later or tomorrow”

“Man, I enjoy this so much. Let me just continue for today. Yes, I see what I am doing and that it’s self-dishonest but since I already screwed up and continued with it for so long, let’s just continue with it for this entire day and I will face m later with and through self-forgiveness and stop this pattern/character/point”

“I actually want to do this right now, so after I do this I might stop and just stand up and continue with my process walking, but for now, I REALLY want to watch this video right now because I am eagerly interested in it and I think it’s valuable information”

“If you do this it’s going to be fun, do you remember? And since you screwed up already why not just continue a little bit longer with it. I mean it can’t get any worse from here on”

“How am I going to stand up again after I screwed up and continued with it for so long already..?”

“I know it’s not right, but I can’t just stand up. I just can’t.. I fucked up already for so long.. There’s no way I can do that.. I might as well continue a little longer. Maybe it will get easier” (I hope that it will be easier to stand-up and change myself later like I saw me change and stop so easily in my thoughts where I projected the moment of change and standing up n the future and it went so easily and fluently in my thoughts)



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 22 Aug 2012, 16:10

Day 127 “Fear of facing and walking through fear” Character

“Fear of facing and walking through fear” Character

Thoughts:

A picture of my fears manifested physically.

A picture of how my fear is starting to manifest till it’s manifested and then I enter the scene to face, walk through and deal with the manifestation of my fear

Backchat:


“It must manifest physically before I can face and walk through it”

“If I face it and if I walk through it, it will manifest physically. So, let’s NOT walk it and so prevent it from manifesting”

“I don’t need to face it. I don’t need to walk through it. It’s nothing. It’s no big deal. Let me just remove it from my awareness and attention and it will go away.” (Suppressing it)

“Oh gosh… It will manifest. It will manifest. It will manifest… I must not think about it. I must not think about it. I must not think about it !!!” (Suppressing it)

“NO ! Suppress it ! It will manifest if I continue being aware of it !”

“No ! I don’t want it to manifest ! No ! Go away ! Shove it back !” (Suppressing it)

“Man, I don’t want to face this fear. I don’t want it to manifest just so that I can walk a process of transcending it.. But if I face it it HAS to manifest, because that’s the only way I can face and walk through it… But I don’t want…” (Here a blankness manifests then as a protection mechanism to not face the fear because I try to prevent it from manifesting for real through ‘not facing’ and ‘not walking through’ it)

Reactions:

Fear

Anxiety

Nervousness

Blankness

Resistance

Feeling stuck

After I decide to suppress it and not face it:

Calmness

Relief

Physical body changes:

Tension

Idleness

Tilted head

Slouched shoulders

Sometimes calm, sometimes heavy breathing (If there’s a blankness it will be calm breathing)

Consequences:

Suppressing the fear and not facing and walking through it till it in fact manifest physically as consequence and only then face it because I am forced to do so by the consequences.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and exist as a character that fears to face and walk through fear because of my definition based on an IDEA of what facing and walking through fear practically means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as the character that fears to face and walk through fear have defined the practical process of facing and walking through fear within the context that the fear must manifest physically before I can face, walk through and transcend it, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that that definition is based on a mere IDEA and that if that were to be true then I would have to go to the brink of death thousand times in order to face and walk through all the fears I have, such as being hit by a bus, being stabbed multiple times in the same spot, drowning, being hit by lightning, body parts being amputated, having organ transplantation, having cancer, going blind, going deaf, going dumb, having my organs come out of my body, just as examples, which is obviously impractical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face and walk through my own fears because from my perspective the fear seems so real that I think the more I am experiencing in within the process of facing and walking through it the more it is manifesting, so I suppress it immediately when I experience it so that I stop the process of it manifesting, in the belief that that suppression will remove the fear and it’s manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the energy experience of my fears to be real, instead of realizing that most of them are in fact NOT real, not FACT, not existent in the physical reality but only in MY MIND and if it’s existent in the physical reality then it’s not a fear but a FACT already, so no amount of fear will remove the fact and no amount of fear will prevent it from manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that facing, working through, walking through and transcending my fears means the necessity of their manifestation physically first before I can face, walk through and transcend them, instead of realizing that that is facing and walking through the manifested consequences and not the fear itself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that facing and walking through my fears means facing and walking through the ENERGY EXPERIENCES of and as it and that if the fear manifests it is facing and walking through the CONSEQUENCES thereof instead.

So, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my fears don’t have to manifest physically before I can face and walk through them but that I can do so here in every moment by facing and walking through the ENERGY EXPERIENCES of and as it, remaining self-directive throughout the entire duration and frequency of the experience of the energy of and as it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the practical process and implications of facing and walking through my fears and anxieties, which is to face and walk through the ENERGY EXPRIENCES thereof and not allowing it do decide for me what I do, but remain self-directive no matter the intensity, duration and frequency of the energy experience of the fear, moving myself in and as self-direction, living and applying myself self-honestly throughout and in the presence/awareness/experience of the energy-experience, not following it, not participating in it, not believing it, till it runs out of energy, because I no longer fuel and maintain it through my participation in thoughts and backchat that generate and maintain it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to DEFINE the energy experience of and as fear as REAL, believing it to be real, not seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s my own thoughts and backchat telling me that it’s real and because I believe my thoughts and backchat, and define myself through and as them, I believe the fear as the energy experience equally to be real, while it’s not, but just an INNER EXPERIENCE that ONLY ‘I’ experience and NO ONE ELSE.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that MY FEARS only EXIST IN ME MYSELF as an ENERGY EXPERIENCE and are NOT real because NO ONE ELSE besides ME experiences them, just so as I do NOT experience the fears of other when they experience it unless I allow them to create the fear inside me, this proving that FEAR is an INDIVIDUAL ILLUSION that only the INDIVIDUAL itself EXPERIENCE and does NOT exist in the physical reality as a PHYSICAL commonality shared, seen and experienced by all beings EQUALLY in this PHYSICAL existence, and is thus NOT real and only bound to the individuals acceptance, allowance and self-belief in it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that reality is that which everything and everyone in existence shares, sees and experiences equally on a physical common ground level, and that anything else such as fear is an illusion and not real because the nature of the inner experience is different from individual to individual and no other individual experience MY FEARS, the same as I do not experience their fears, and thus only ‘I’ experience MY own fears, thus my fears exist only in ME in my own MIND and not in reality.

terrorized — past participle, past tense of ter·ror·ize
Verb:
Create and maintain a state of extreme fear and distress in (someone); fill with terror: “he used his army to terrorize the population”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel terrorized by my own images and thoughts in my mind portraying my fears because I believe those images and thoughts to be real.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to face, walk and breath through the terror of my images and thoughts showing my fears, walk through the energy experience, and walk through the holographic projections in my mind, stop believing them, stop following them, stop participating in them but remain practically physically living myself till the energies and holographics are no more in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts and backchat that say that the images as holographic projections of my fears creating a holographic world and reality, like a detailed replica of actual physical reality in my mind are real, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel terrorized and intimidated by the images as holographic projections of my fears in my mind dimension, instead of facing them and walking through them, not accepting and allowing myself to participate, follow and believe in them, realizing that they are not real but only projections in my own mind, consisting of mere images and energy experiences and do not exist in the physical reality, and thus are NOT real but only illusions spawn within my own mind, my fears projected into animated imagery, creating an alternate reality, replicated from the physical reality into holographic imagery in my mind, playing out like a fucking movie in the theatre of my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I currently do when I experience fear is that I will panic, react in further fear and anxiety towards the initial experience of fear and anxiety and to see, realize and understand that I need to instead NOT allow me to react and panic when the energy experience of fear emerge in me, because I do not allow me to believe it to be real, even though currently, to me, it seems and feels so real, I see, understand and realize and that is my interpretation of it because I’ve never questioned it before but comply to it because everyone else I met in and throughout my life was doing the same thing, accepting fear as normal and part of the human and life experience and defining, accepting and seeing it as real, not seeing, realizing and understanding that we all have been assisting, supporting and enforcing our own and each others illusions and self-diminishment and self-defeat through that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have a fear and am aware of the energy experience of that fear, to immediately believe it to be reality, manifested, here, done; instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that it’s only existent in my mind, the fear projected into holographic imagery in my mind; manifested, done, complete, here only as an image and thought in my MIND and nowhere to be found in physical reality.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 23 Aug 2012, 16:11

Day 128 “Fear of facing and walking through fear” Character (Part 2)

This is a continuation to Day 127 “Fear of facing and walking through fear” Character:

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that my definition of the process of facing, walking through and transcending my fear is based on an mere IDEA and that the practical process of facing, walking through and transcending my fears does not imply that the fears must manifest physically first before I can face, walk through and transcend them.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the practical process implications of facing and walking through fear is to face and walk through the ENERGY EXPERIENCE thereof; to remain self-directive in the face, awareness and experience of the energy experience of the fear for the entire duration, intensity and frequency that it may exist inside me as an energy experience, not participating, following and believing in it but continuing with my practical physical self-living and self-application in self-honesty and self-direction until the energy experience of the fear does no longer influence me in my decisions and living, but I can stand and remain self-directive and self-assertive within it’s face and presence, where I no longer allow it the ability to change my direction, expression and living.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that if my definition that is based on my IDEA created within my mind about the practical process of facing and walking through fear, as that it first has to manifest physically before I can face and walk through it, were to be true, then I would have to die thousands of times and be reborn thousands of times before I would transcend all my fears, and would have to destroy my body in every single life to the utmost; which is obviously an impractical process and approach; and in fact based on an mere IDEA.

My current script that I live according to when fear emerge in me:

When and as I see and find myself to experience fear and have a fear within the sphere of my awareness, I start panicking, reacting in fear and anxiety towards the initial fear and anxiety and I have thoughts and backchat telling me that the fear is real, is here, is done, is complete, is manifested if I do not stop being aware of it/having it on my mind, that it will manifest and so I suppress it immediately in the hope to prevent it from manifesting. Believing that it disappears and no more exists when I suppress it.

My new script to live by:

I commit myself to when and as I see myself to experience fear and be aware of the energy experience of fear, to NOT allow me to panic, NOT allow me to react in fear and anxiety towards the initial fear and anxiety and to NOT allow myself to participate in, follow and believe the thoughts and backchat that tell me that the fear is real and is already done, manifested, complete, here, fact, me and in that I do not allow me to suppress the fear immediately automatically because of the belief, fear and hope that if I do suppress it that it will disappear, become non-existent and the manifestation of it be undone or prevented. And I commit myself to see, realize and understand that all this is just playing out in my mind, and is not here in the physical reality. And so, I commit myself to instead take a deep breath, and breathe myself back into my physical body and focus on my physical practical living and application and not on my attempt to prevent my fear from manifesting in fear and belief that it will if I do not try to think it away, think it into non-existence, think it into ‘not manifesting’.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am trying to think the fears and anxieties I experience into ’disappearance, think them into ‘non existence’, think them into ‘not manifesting’, where I create images in my mind of the fear ‘not existing’, ‘disappearing’ and ‘not manifesting’ and thinking the opposite of my fears into manifestation, in the belief and hope that I will manifest the positive opposite of my fears if I do so, and to instead see, realize and understand that I am just THINKING and THINKING is NOT practicality, physicality and reality. Thus, I commit myself to see, realize and understand that trying to ‘think my fear away’ and ’think them into ‘not manifesting’ and ‘think them into transforming into the positive opposite of itself’ does NOT mean that it in fact disappears, becomes ‘non-existent’ or that I will manifest it’s positive opposite, all I am doing is suppressing it in FEAR of it. And in that, I commit myself to when and as I see and find myself to try and attempt to ‘think my fears away’, ‘think them into disappearance and ‘non-existence’’, ’think them into ‘not manifesting’ and ‘think them into ‘transforming’ into it’s positive opposite’ within my mind, accompanied with self-created imagery of it ‘disappearing’, ‘becoming non-existent’, ‘not manifesting’ and ‘transforming into it’s positive opposite’, to immediately STOP, take a deep breath, remain HERE within and as my physical human body, focusing on my physical practical doing, living and application, and not allow me to fear my own fear.

I commit myself to not allow myself to place my own fear above me by seeing, defining, perceiving and accepting fear as ‘more’ then me and myself as ‘less’ then fear.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that fear is not superior to me and that I am not inferior to it, and that I can in fact stand in it’s presence, face and energy experience intensity, duration and frequency and remain self-directive because I am the authority of myself and I am the one who DECIDES to either fear and believe my own fear or to not, and that that decision as every decision is always a DELIBERATE one.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that facing, walking through and transcending my fears does not require for the fears to manifest physically in fact before I am able to do so, but that I can do so in every breath here, walking through the energy experience of it and that transcending my fears is to transcend the self-definition- and dependency relationship I have created towards that which I fear.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it is merely my interpretation that the energy experience of fear seems and feels so real to me, but that it is in fact not, because I can in fact walk through it and remain living physically practically and still direct myself within it’s presence.

I commit myself to not allow me to believe that the very process of facing and walking through my fears is the simultaneous process of my fears manifesting physically for real, step by step as I walk the process of facing and walking through it, and to instead realize that that is an IDEA spawn within my own MIND, a make-belief concept spawn itself through my interpretation of knowledge and information about the practical process of facing and walking through fear, and not based on what the process really practically implies, like a jumping to conclusions, instead of investigating what the process really means physically practically.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that if my fears manifest physically, it is the consequence thereof, and is thus the process of facing and walking through consequence because I did not walk through the fear itself, which was existent as mere energy experience and holographic play-outs in my MIND.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with and through breathing, sticking to physical practical living, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to face and walk through my fears and anxieties as the energy experiences thereof, till I am no more influenced and defined by that which I fear.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that fear itself is created from an IDEA that became self-definition where I fear to lose that which I have defined myself through and as, like hair, appearance, ‘status’, relationships, job, career, money, possessions, just as a few examples, and that to stop the fear is to release myself from the things and points I have defined myself by, through and as; is to release myself from my own self-definition, and that that means that the fear does not have to manifest physically for real before I can face, walk through and transcend it, like that I do not have to lose all I have in my life, that I do not have to lose my money, that I do not have to lose my physical life, that I do not have to lose my relationships, that I do not have to lose my job, just as examples, in order to be free from the influence of such fear, but that I can transcend it in every breath, in this one life, by stopping and releasing myself from the self-definition based on and through those things and points that I have defined myself by, through and as and BELIEVE that I NEED; stopping the ENERGY RELATIONSHIP I have towards things by, through and as which I defined myself.

I commit myself within that, to assist and support myself with and through breathing, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to find, stop and release myself from all energy-relationships I have towards things, such as my job, my physical body, certain body parts, money, relationships, just as few examples, through which I have defined myself by and as, and to see, realize, understand and show that Who I am in TOTALITY is NOT that which I have defined myself by, through and as and which I created the BELIEF that I need.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that my fears only exist in me, that my energy experiences only exist in me, that what I feel and experience energetically only exist in me, that my thoughts and backchat only exist in me, that my images only exist in me and that no one else physically experiences and physically sees my fears, just as I do not physically experience and physically see their fears, and to see, realize and understand that that is already evidence of the illusion of the inner experience, and that it is being bound to only the individuals acceptances, allowances, self-belief and permission to experience and exist within and as.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that that which is in fact real, is that which is shared by all physical beings as common ground, such as suffering, famine, rape, murder, starvation, physical pain, abuse, hunger, just as few examples, and that all inner experiences of and as emotional and feeling turmoils are illusions, spawned by the individual that experiences them and is NOT seen, shared and experienced as a physical commonality and common ground by everyone and everything, and can in fact be stopped by the individual experiencing it, and is only one deliberate decision away to do so.

I commit myself to not allow myself to perceive, see, define and accept the images I have within my mind that portray my fears, to be real, because I see, realize and understand that it’s only my fear holographically projected into my mind creating a holographically image reality and world that I experience as real because I BELIEVE it to be real.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that the holographic image reality and world in my mind is NOT real but a product of projected thoughts and backchat, which can be stopped, and in that stopping proven to be just an illusion existent in my own mind.

I commit myself to not allow my own images of my fears to terrorize me, as I do not accept and allow myself to BELIEVE in them and be intimidated by them.

I commit myself to NOT allow me to when I experience fear immediately, automatically accept, define and see it as real and as manifested reality because I see, realize and understand that it’s only existent in my own mind as an energy experience together with thoughts, backchat and images.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show how when I panic the fear and anxiety seems so real, because I am believing and PARTICIPATING in it, but when I stop for a moment, and just breathe, and realign myself back into my physical body breathing comfortably and slow myself down to the pace of physical breath, that I will see that the fear and anxiety is not so biiiig as it seemed and I perceived and felt it before and that it only exist in my mind as an energy experience, together with thoughts, backchat and images, and that I will see that I can in fact face it and walk through it. It is not bigger then me. I CAN do something about it.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 24 Aug 2012, 14:36

Day 129 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 4) — 2 years of: Validating my decison to give-up (Part 3)

This is a continuation to Day 126 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 3): Validating my decision to give-up (Part 2) and Day 125 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 2): Validating my decision to give-up and thus a continuation to the pattern identified in Day 123 The “Back to the Past” Timeframe-Pattern (Part 1): “Fuck this process shit, I want my old life back!” Character

Here I am applying self-forgiveness on the individual backchat lines identified in Day 125 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 2): Validating my decision to give-up.

Note: In this self-forgiveness done I have started realizing, seeing, understanding and revealing the reasons that I accepted and allowed within me to justify my attempt to give up and find ways to give up on myself and process, which I was attempting to do so for almost 2 entire years during which I abstained from process:

Backchat: “Now that I fucked up and am in that pattern, I might as well stay in it and just continue doing what I started. I mean, I screwed up anyway”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “Now that I fucked up and am in that pattern, I might as well stay in it and just continue doing what I started” to exist and come up in me, and for me allowing myself to believe that backchat and perceive it as making it ‘okay’, validating and justifying the decision I made within following and accepting this backchat, where I stayed in the pattern and did not move out of it, while it was just one reverse deliberate decision away from stopping it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I could have easily stood up, stopped the pattern, forgiven myself for participating, believing and accepting it in me, and could have moved on with my process if I would have reversed my decision I made, from deciding to stay in it to deciding to stop it; it was just one deliberate decision away, but I chose to stay in it because I actually believed that it is validated and justified to stay in the pattern and continue pursuing my self-interest and happiness through entertainment, such as TV, music and games, just because my backchat was reasoning with me and giving me reasons and justifications that seemed real and valid, and I was all happy with these apparent ‘valid’ reasons, because I could stay in my pursuit of self-interest and happiness through entertainment, such as TV, music and games.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have in fact been aware of the deliberateness of my self-dishonesty in that moment I decided to accept the reasons and justifications my backchat was giving me in making it seem ‘okay’ and ‘alright’ to remain in the pattern of postponement and pursuing my self-interest and happiness through entertainment, such as TV, music and games; but that I suppressed it immediately and deliberately tried to force and manipulate myself into changing my perception, understanding and awareness of the deliberateness of my self-dishonesty into seeing it as ‘okay’, valid and justified, because I wanted to remain in the pursuit of my self-interest and happiness at all cost, because I did not want to face myself any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because I did not want to face myself any longer, and in that did not want to walk my process any longer, deliberately attempted to manipulate myself in somehow trying to change my perception, understanding and awareness of the deliberateness of self-dishonesty in trying to ‘get out’ of process and back into my old life where I can pursue my self-interest and happiness, through for example entertainment, such as TV, music and games; attempting to deliberately somehow put a nice beautiful picture before my eyes to see that beautiful picture and not my self-dishonesty, so that I could manipulate myself into accepting and seeing my attempt to get out of process and back into my life of pursuing self-interest, my desires, wants and needs to reach the utopia of/as personal happiness experiences, to accept and see that attempt as ‘okay’, valid and justified.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have been trying to erase my consciousness/awareness, to wipe it to a blank slate, forgetting everything from the moment I found Desteni, so that I could ‘step out’ of process and back into my old life of pursuing my self-interest and happiness through going for my desires, wants and ‘needs’, and not feel guilty for this decision I made, because as long as I am aware of self-honesty, I cannot ‘step out’ of process, the guilt and regret is haunting me day and night, with sleepless nights and joyless days, not like before Desteni, because my self-honesty is in every moment, as this inner voice in my head, telling me that I am self-dishonest, but I don’t want to hear it, and so attempt everything I can to find every excuse and justification I can, every single day in the hope to find one that will silence this voice and end this horror of joyless days and sleepless nights and make me sleep better at night for the decision I made to go for my self-interest again and to do so, ‘step out’ of process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to become oblivious, attempting to squeeze out the knowledge, information and awareness I have of this process, of Desteni, of self-honesty, try to forget about self-honesty, so that I can sleep better at nights for the decision I made to choose my self-interest and to thus pursue my personal desires, wants and ‘needs’ to reach the most happiness in my life, because that damn awareness of and about Desteni, Process and Self-Honesty is giving me restless, joyless days and sleepless nights, nothing like the great happy daily experience I had in my ignorance of everything and all before finding Desteni; not once stopping and questioning but why do I attempt to become oblivious, why do I want to forget, why do I want to wipe my mind to a blank slate, why do I want to give up: And in that have missed the answer to that question, which is that I had the perception and experience that this process is just to much for me, and the fear haunting me everyday, like a constant voice in my head telling me that I will never get it, and using my own constant fuck-ups against myself, and judging myself; with all of this, I was diminishing and defeating myself, discouraging myself, talking myself literally into giving-up, which I then in the end acted-upon and in fact attempted to give-up, forget everything and just go back to my old life, which was so much easier because I had not to deal with myself; my mind was living for me, even though my past wasn’t really that wonderful and great, and much of inner conflict, pain and suffering, according to my reasoning, it was still much easier and better because I had to bring no effort from my side, I allowed the mind to do with me as it pleases and see fit because I could at least ease the negative emotional experience through participation in things that would create positive feeling experience, like through entertainment, such as TV, music and games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for almost 2 years, have not once really stopped and asked the question why I am running away from process, from facing myself, from Desteni, and have always immediately suppressed the question once it came up because together with that question that came up came a great wave of guilt and regret, and the memory as reminder of all the negative emotional experiences I had also before when and as I was still walking process and doing my self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective application and all that self-honesty ‘business’, and that wave and memory/reminder of negative energy experiences in that moment of questioning what I was doing and seeing my self-dishonesty, reminded me of the self-experienced ‘difficulty’ and ‘struggle’ I had to endure and face daily, in every moment when I was walking my process, and in that a great fear and anxiety emerged that this becomes my daily experience again, and so in that fear I immediately suppressed that question whenever it would emerge in me and continued with my attempt to find ways, justifications and reasons that will make me sleep better at night and make me enjoy my days once again, trying everything to re-create my old life, to feel good during the day and sleep well at night, from watching all kinds of series, movies, playing games, listening to music, doing this and that activity, in the attempt to raise my happiness as positive energy feelings, but always to no avail, really, because the constant chatter and voice in the back of my mind telling me and me knowing that I am being deliberately self-dishonest and still continue to be so daily with no stopping of and end to it in sight yet, made the happiness feeling if I would ever achieve it, just temporary, because I was soon back to my miserable daily self-experience and restless nights because of my still-awareness of my deliberateness in my self-dishonesty and actions, even though I tried so much to shut that awareness down, lol, obviously to no avail, and so I continued with my daily miserable self-experience for almost 2 years, looking for the perfect thought, the perfect backchat, the perfect excuse that will make it all valid and ‘okay’ to give-up, and so open the doors again back into daily happiness and joy in ignorance and oblivion of self-dishonesty, process and Desteni; continuing with this cycle daily, for almost 2 years, till it just became to much, the guilt, regret, anger just too much, the voices in my head too loud, that I was feeling like really going crazy, becoming physically so weak and unable to do anything anymore I was able to do before because the self-honesty voice in my head was becoming too loud, the guilt and regret was becoming so strong that it was feeling like taking over my body, sucking all the strength out of it, I felt like a corpse, a living dead; so that that accumulation of inner emotional turmoil and outer physical deterioration and inability/dysfunction to participate in society, the world and normal daily activities was the consequence that forced me to stand up, and acknowledge that I cannot step out of process, that I must walk, I must find the strength and courage again to walk it, there is no other way around it; either I do so in this understanding that I have to or continue with my miserable life until death strips the life from me. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was in fact, the entire time aware that I will never re-create my past again as it was, that I will never create and achieve the happiness I expected, desired, wanted and painted in my thoughts and fantasies that I will achieve, but I ignored that awareness in the attempt to prove it wrong, because I was so petrified, shocked, scared and TRAUMATIZED of/by the inner experiences I was experiencing and enduring daily within the course of walking my process that I made the decision to never ‘return’ to that daily horror and hell, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was making that decision already during the course of walking my process, with it accumulating with every day I had to face and endure what I was experiencing, facing and walking through within the process of facing myself in self-honesty, until the moment I would in fact give-up, or at least try to do everything I can to do so, because nothing seemed to really work within my process, I was still the old self I have always been with every attempt to change myself ending up in failure.

In posts to come to expand on the point of:

Traumatized by my inner experiences I had and had to endure daily while I was walking my process, that I started running away from it and kept running and running and running for 2 years.

and continue with the rest of the backchat:

“Oh no… I don’t want to… It’s going to be so hard and difficult… I have do re-walk everything again… I just can’t do that… It’s just too much for me… Let me just continue with what I am doing since I already screwed up”

“I know that I can stop immediately and just continue with my process, but it feels so impossible to do now since I fucked up…”

“Just one more minute and I will stand up and forgive what I did and continue with my process”

“Yeah, I see what I am doing and how to stop it and that I CAN stop it, but I don’t want to now, since I already screwed up let me continue for today and I will do the forgiveness later or tomorrow”

“Man, I enjoy this so much. Let me just continue for today. Yes, I see what I am doing and that it’s self-dishonest but since I already screwed up and continued with it for so long, let’s just continue with it for this entire day and I will face m later with and through self-forgiveness and stop this pattern/character/point”

“I actually want to do this right now, so after I do this I might stop and just stand up and continue with my process walking, but for now, I REALLY want to watch this video right now because I am eagerly interested in it and I think it’s valuable information”

“If you do this it’s going to be fun, do you remember? And since you screwed up already why not just continue a little bit longer with it. I mean it can’t get any worse from here on”

“How am I going to stand up again after I screwed up and continued with it for so long already..?”

“I know it’s not right, but I can’t just stand up. I just can’t.. I fucked up already for so long.. There’s no way I can do that.. I might as well continue a little longer. Maybe it will get easier” (I hope that it will be easier to stand-up and change myself later like I saw me change and stop so easily in my thoughts where I projected the moment of change and standing up n the future and it went so easily and fluently in my thoughts)



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

Postby Dilan » 26 Aug 2012, 15:25

Day 130 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 5): Validating my decison to give-up (Part 4)

This is a continuation to Day 129 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 4) — 2 years of: Validating my decison to give-up (Part 3), Day 126 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 3): Validating my decision to give-up (Part 2) and Day 125 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 2): Validating my decision to give-up and thus a continuation to the pattern identified in Day 123 The “Back to the Past” Timeframe-Pattern (Part 1): “Fuck this process shit, I want my old life back!” Character

Here I am applying self-corrective statements for the points identified in Day 129 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 4) — 2 years of: Validating my decison to give-up (Part 3):

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the backchat “Now that I fucked up and am in that pattern, I might as well stay in it and just continue doing what I started. I mean, I screwed up anyway” is the nature of justification, and the attempt to validate my self-dishonesty and avoid facing myself.

And in that, I commit myself to assist and support myself with and through breathing and remaining here, to be aware of any backchat or thoughts that would attempt to justify, validate and make it ‘okay’ to continue with my self-dishonesty and avoid facing myself, and to not allow myself to believe it and accept it, because I see, realize and understand that NO justification validates a decision to be or remain self-dishonest and avoid facing myself, and in that I immediately stop the thoughts and backchat and use it as immediate instruction to act, move, apply and face myself.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that stopping and stepping out of self-dishonesty is as easy as reversing the decision I made, because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ made the decision to be self-dishonest and be/remain in a pattern, and to move out of it is just one step away of/as reversing that decision into ‘stopping’ my self-dishonesty and ‘stepping out’ of the pattern.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that the decisions I make are always deliberate, thus I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that to NO reason/justification that my mind could possible conjure up, can validate my being and remaining self-dishonest, because I see, realize and understand that it is ME that makes the decision deliberately to either be self-dishonest or not to be; thus that the decision to be self-honest is equally a DELIBERATE one and must be done by ME, the same as the decision to be self-dishonest was a deliberate one and was done by ME.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that if I accept the reasons my mind is giving me with which I then justify being and remaining self-dishonest, that I do so because I in fact do NOT want to face myself and that there is in fact REASONS behind this that CAN be identified, cleared and stopped: And in this, I commit myself to when and as I see and find myself to accept the reasons my mind is giving me through thoughts and backchat to justify being and remaining self-dishonest, to stop and red-flag immediately, see, realize and understand that there is an perception and IDEA that makes me perceive that I cannot continue to walk my process and face myself, and to in that instead of just accepting that IDEA and attempt to give up on process, instead assist and support myself with and through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to identify, stop and clear that IDEA that I have formed through which I have convinced myself that I cannot continue walking my process and facing myself.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that how when I accept reasons that my mind is giving me with which to justify and validate my decision to be and remain self-dishonest, I am in fact aware of my deliberateness of being self-dishonest, because I am in fact fully aware of the justifying thoughts and backchat but suppress my awareness of being deliberately self-dishonest, so that I can fool me to make me believe that my decision to be self-dishonest and avoid facing myself is in fact justified.

I commit myself to be aware and not allow and accept any justifying thoughts and backchat to give up, and to immediately stop participation in it if it enters my mind, and to assist and support myself with and through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to identify and stop the reason/idea I have formed and accepted as valid and real within my mind through which I have made myself believe and have convinced myself that I apparently cannot continue walking my process and facing myself; because I commit myself to see, realize, understand and that behind EVERY want to give up on myself and process, is an IDEA that I have created within my mind that I have accepted as REAL through which I have convinced myself that I cannot (continue to) walk my process, face myself and be self-honest and that it is really just an IDEA and that I CAN indeed (continue to) walk my process, face myself and be self-honest.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show that how behind every decision and want to give up, are IDEAS accepted as valid reasons to give up, and that it is nothing more or less but IDEAS which can be stopped, in their stopping proving that they are NOT real and valid reasons.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and show how behind every decision and want to give up on process is FEAR, either the FEAR of not getting it in process, the FEAR to lose something I have defined myself by or the FEAR to not be able to get that which I desire and want, and that ALL reasons are thus FEAR based; which is NOT a valid reason.

I commit myself to not allow me to deliberately try to manipulate myself to validate and justify my FEARS I have and to immediately use that attempt to manipulate myself as an instruction to stop, and investigate and stop my FEARS I accept as validated and justified reason to give up on process.

I commit myself to not allow myself to deliberately try to manipulate myself to validate and justify my DESIRE to pursue and manifest and materialize my desires, wants and needs and within that give up on process or be self-dishonest.

I commit myself to breathe through the energy experience of DESIRE and FEAR that become the reasons within my mind to give up on process, and to assist and support myself with and through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to stop these DESIRES and FEARS and my relationship to those as how I see and define myself by and through these; and not accept the FEAR and DESIRE as real and valid reasons to give up on process and be self-dishonest.

I commit myself to not allow myself to continue with my self-dishonesty and to immediately stop and stand up when I see myself being so, and to thus not dig a hole, but see, realize and understand that I CAN stand up, it is only one deliberate decision away to do so, and to thus not let my self-dishonesty accumulate again to years throughout which my inner emotional turmoil accumulates and outer physical body starts deteriorating before I realize that ‘I’/ME/SELF must stand up and MOVE MYSELF and that I will not magically fall out of this pattern; I must make the decisions to step out of it myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how if I don’t immediately stop and step out of my self-dishonesty or a pattern, that it will accumulate more and more with every moment I miss in which I have another opportunity to step out of it, and it will become more and more difficult to stop and step out of it and that it can easily become YEARS before I step out.

In that, I commit myself to use my awareness of being self-dishonest or in a pattern as an INSTRUCTION and RED-FLAG to IMMEDIATELY stop and step out and assist myself with and through breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to do so and to in that IMMEDIATE action of stopping and stepping out of my self-dishonesty and patterns, NOT allow it to accumulate because I see, realize and understand that it will just become more difficult to stop and step out with every moment in which I do not make the decision to stop and step out of it and thus with every opportunity I do not use to stop and step out of it that is presented in every single moment/breath, and that it can extend to an undesirably long time, and even till death. Not necessary. I stand up right here IMMEDIATELY and do NOT let it accumulate. I do NOT allow myself to SCREW with myself.

Within the next posts to look at the following point:

My decison to step out of process, to give me the opportunity to live the life I always dreamed of: Money, Party, Sex, Popularity. (Because I was aware that in process, in self-honesty I would never be able to have such life, so I reasoned that I had to get out of process and Desteni to live-out my dreams)
and the rest of the backchat:

“Oh no… I don’t want to… It’s going to be so hard and difficult… I have do re-walk everything again… I just can’t do that… It’s just too much for me… Let me just continue with what I am doing since I already screwed up”

“I know that I can stop immediately and just continue with my process, but it feels so impossible to do now since I fucked up…”

“Just one more minute and I will stand up and forgive what I did and continue with my process”

“Yeah, I see what I am doing and how to stop it and that I CAN stop it, but I don’t want to now, since I already screwed up let me continue for today and I will do the forgiveness later or tomorrow”

“Man, I enjoy this so much. Let me just continue for today. Yes, I see what I am doing and that it’s self-dishonest but since I already screwed up and continued with it for so long, let’s just continue with it for this entire day and I will face m later with and through self-forgiveness and stop this pattern/character/point”

“I actually want to do this right now, so after I do this I might stop and just stand up and continue with my process walking, but for now, I REALLY want to watch this video right now because I am eagerly interested in it and I think it’s valuable information”

“If you do this it’s going to be fun, do you remember? And since you screwed up already why not just continue a little bit longer with it. I mean it can’t get any worse from here on”

“How am I going to stand up again after I screwed up and continued with it for so long already..?”

“I know it’s not right, but I can’t just stand up. I just can’t.. I fucked up already for so long.. There’s no way I can do that.. I might as well continue a little longer. Maybe it will get easier” (I hope that it will be easier to stand-up and change myself later like I saw me change and stop so easily in my thoughts where I projected the moment of change and standing up n the future and it went so easily and fluently in my thoughts)

and from there also the characters identified so far:

Fear of Failure Character

Giving Up Character

Desire Character




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