Nicks self forgiveness

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NickKnight
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Nicks self forgiveness

Postby NickKnight » 28 Jul 2012, 00:55

http://nickknight17.blogspot.com/ Title: "Is my information helpful.. Am I being supportive?! :D / more superiority / fear of being inferior" Character - self forgiveness




Once people started liking my videos, posts, things I simply replied back to them, i felt it as a sense of them "liking" me. I took all of this information about supporting each other for equality, and formed it into my own idea, while actually believing that I was simply supporting myself to find myself as a physical being, thus doing what is best for all: "since my fellow destonians are supporting me (obviously by just simply supporting me as equal to them, as life), then I must support them back. OH WAIT, what if they don't think i'm supportive enough, oh I must make sure I comment back, oh I must make sure that they think I actually have unconditional care for them out of there information which was given to me, instead, i'm going to create the illusion within myself that I need to support them back, so that I can thus have more acceptance from them, so I can feed more into my ego trip more and more, by planting my face on a computer screen after work till my eyes are bloodshot, because I constantly have to make sure people like what I am doing, regardless If this separates myself from reality, and from every individual human being on this earth, I'm going to do it any ways because this is a wonderful "self agenda" that is being presented by ME, OH YES ME ME ME, and oh I can't wait to get home from work tomorrow, while I still need to clean my house, feed my dog, get physical exercise, explore music for equality, doing what's ACTUALLY PRACTICAL, instead I will completely disregard everyone and feed off of an inferior character that I have accepted and allowed ever since the existence of my awareness".. It only took one person to confront my character, that wasn't me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my inferior character, by feeding off of people liking my posts, or giving me advice, welcoming support: "hi nick thanks for the add", which then I accepted and allowed myself to (instead of simply accepting this as unconditional support, and taking it into practical consideration, as well as freely expressing support back to them unconditionally) generate the fear of "losing" my fellow destonians as "friends" - people who "like" and "approve" what i'm doing - if i did not post something in there appeal, unless they did (practically as unconditional support) like it, or reply back "positively", then I would reply back to most of them by regenerating the fear of them "liking" what I said to them, as if it made them "feel better back", thus only creating a self agenda, and separating myself from reality, thus also only leading myself into internal collapse as a physical being, due to recycling this energy that I've accepted and allowed, as well as deceiving my fellow destonians by feeding off of this energy that I've accepted and allowed, thus keeping myself as the cause of why this world is so fucked up.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief in my head, that by only reading peoples blogs that only compare in any aspect to anything i'm struggling with within my character, I can feed off of what they have applied self forgiveness about and make myself think that I don't have to take responsibility as a physical being to release myself from my character, and can "feel good" about myself, because these people have certain similar struggles as me, thus also creating a belief in my head, that by looking at these peoples struggles, than I won't have to voice myself through self honesty because I already have generated "feeling good" off of the idea that they have certain attributes of similar struggles as I do, so therefor I must have now dealt with my fear of "inferiority".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exploit my fellow destonians blogs, by exchanging "support" off of what I view In their blogs (whether it was in my vlog "hard to explain myself - self forgiveness" or when it was when I replied to multiple posts on "7 year journey to life", as my character, when I was only suppressing my fear of voicing myself as a physical human being, thus not with clarity supporting myself as a physical human being through applying self forgiveness, and what is best for all, thus also not being completely self honest with myself as a physical human being, therefor I lead myself into internal collapse off of recycling this self generated energy, thus deceiving my fellow destonians and not doing what is best for all life, thus keeping myself as the cause of why this world is so fucked up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mention that I should vlog more, believing that It would actually be a "good" way of breaking out of my false character of being "inferior", when I essentially was again feeding into my self interests, due to wanting to posts videos due to essentially wanting to only be "approved" by my fellow destonian "friends", instead of posting videos in order to completely, and not partially, have meaning to expose my self created character, and find myself as a physical being, within this breath, as well as support my fellow destonians by exchanging information through these videos with complete, and unconditional care, thus there would be no no room for me to be able to generate the fear of being inferior after, or before, making these videos, blogs, replying back to my fellow destonians in conversation, therefor I would be truly doing what is best for all, and not what Is best for myself, and there would never have been any point of me being apart of desteni if I continued to accept and allow myself for this fear of being"inferior" to be hidden, and not exposed, completely, and with clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate the fear that If this specific blog, which I am now applying self forgiveness, doesn't get seen by my fellow destonians, then eventually they will discover that I have been deceiving them through feeding myself off of this fear of being inferior, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate the feeling that after applying self forgiveness, I have an excuse to go back to my self generated fear of being "inferior", due to feeling superior, in terms of "feeling good" that I applied self forgiveness, so there forI'm now a "good person".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate "good feelings" when I am thinking that I am giving unconditional care towards people in my immediate environment, when this eventually will lead to me getting tired or giving unconditional care because it is simply needed, thus I will only fall into this "inferior / superior" battle, which has always happened in every situation in my life when i helped somebody, or became apart of a schedule of helping somebody daily, for example: helping my friend get in shape, or always make sure that my friend doesn't drink beer because he's an alcoholic, in which I create it into a situation of me"being a good person, and working for a good cause", instead of in fact helping that person, or being apart of desteni, because It is practically needed as supporting life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify in my mind, that since I am confused about who I truly am, and when I am acting upon these self generated emotions, that it is okay for me to act upon these self generated emotions when I do not realize, until I am able to expose these emotions completely, and when I am unconditionally exchanging any form of information to my fellow destonians, thus this justification only continues to recycle the energy within myself of actually being superior to others, which this superior illusion in my head is in terms of thinking that I am "special" to the rest of my fellow destonians, as well as people in my immediate environment, thus I would only lead to internal collapse as a physical humans being, which this specific internal collapse would get to the point of all of my fellow destonians discovering this within me, which then confronting me, and I would get to the point of madness because I would have continually been in denial of this self generated emotion, and allowed it to be expressed through my blogs, vlogs, replying to my fellow destonians, in every day life to people in my immediate environment, etc, and in fact I would have essentially deceived myself.










I am committed to not exploit my fellow destonians based off of what I think is best for them, when I essentially am only feeding into "these good feelings" in which are self generated from the essence of my fearing of being inferior to others.

I am committed to blog / vlog when I truly and in with clarity am finding myself as a physical human being, and not doing it as a sense of wanting to get approval from my fellow destonians, or doing it to relieve myself, which again only leads to making an excuse for myself

I am committed to communicating with my fellow destonians, as in comments, or liking there posts, or instant messaging them, unconditionally, and not in the sense of me wanting to get their approval, which is only self generated within myself, and is not what is best for all.

I am committed to stop this deception within myself through everyday life and in my immediate environment.

I am committed to being apart of desteni for its exact purpose, and not make it something for me to escape what I have allowed and accepted myself to be, thus only deceiving myself into creating it for my own self agenda, and not to find myself as a physical being, and not doing what is best for all.

I am committed to expose this basic "inferior" character that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on my whole entire life, and to find myself as a physical being within and as this breathe of living.

I am committed to doing what is best for all life, and not make this reality into my own self agenda, which only leads myself into internal collapse as a physical human being, and will only recycle itself till the day I meet death, which i will only regret this act that I have accepted and allowed at this point in my existence If I do not stop.

Thank you, Nick.



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Anna
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Anna » 31 Jul 2012, 05:03

Yeay Nick (lol) Awesome blog!

"because I constantly have to make sure people like what I am doing, regardless If this separates myself from reality, and from every individual human being on this earth, I'm going to do it any ways because this is a wonderful "self agenda" that is being presented by ME, OH YES ME ME ME, and oh I can't wait to get home from work tomorrow, while I still need to clean my house, feed my dog, get physical exercise, explore music for equality, doing what's ACTUALLY PRACTICAL, instead I will completely disregard everyone and feed off of an inferior character that I have accepted and allowed ever since the existence of my awareness".. It only took one person to confront my character, that wasn't me."

YES! I can most definitely relate to this.

Thanks for sharing.



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Bella
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Bella » 03 Aug 2012, 09:49

thanks for sharing!



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Lindsay
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Lindsay » 03 Aug 2012, 12:36

Very cool realizations and self-honesty shared here Nick



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Kristina
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Kristina » 03 Aug 2012, 17:38

Cool Nick - yes, awesome support you have given yourself here within self honesty - facing, forgiving and correcting/committing. That is the process/way to go!



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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 01 Jul 2015, 09:46

http://nicklk.blogspot.com/2015/06/day- ... tment.html

Day 123 - utilizing anger and resentment in a relationship
So recently I have been going through emotional instability in regards to my relationship with my partner. I seem to have suddenly "out of no where" get this rush and tint of anger and resentment, and even jealousy towards my partner, to where it's caused inappropriate behavior such as throwing my phone against the wall when reading her texts, and arguing and projecting my emotions and feelings towards her when she did nothing wrong, which shouldn't ever be the case regardless.

The emotions I've experienced within this situation of anger, resentment, jealousy, etc., has been fear, becoming scared of my own intent, and whether I'll ever be able to calm myself down and not look at our relationship as superior vs inferior, and whether our not I'll ever be able to experience myself as equal to her as she is to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become angry and resentful towards my partner, out of the intent of wanting to be superior to her, and out of wanting to control her and limit her self expression within our relationship as well as my self expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel this anger and resentment, out of blaming her in my mind as her being this bad person. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame her for her having issues, and making the excuse to blame her for this as if she is nitpicking at me or is trying to hurt me or attack me with her own personal problems/issues.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions/get angry at my partner, when she tells me something that I find inconvenient, as if she is nitpicking at me, or intending on blaming me, not seeing and realizing that I am blaming her for my own instability.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at myself first and analyze and utilize my own emotions before ever choosing to react at her with anger or resentment, whether I'm verbally attacking her or whether I'm holding and bottling up within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of my own emotions, not seeing and realizing that I can utilize and write these emotions of anger and resentment out, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow these emotions to manifest within myself, not seeing and realizing that it is necessary to write these emotions out and utilize my self, and stabilize myself in relationship to my partner.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to let go of all the emotional tension I have. Towards my partner, to where I want to see her everyday, to where I simply want to control her in my little bubble of emotions, not seeing and realizing how abusive this is and how unstable it is.

Self corrective statements will continue in the next blog....



Marlen
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Marlen » 02 Jul 2015, 23:11

Cool for realizing this Nick, I fully agree with this:
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of my own emotions, not seeing and realizing that I can utilize and write these emotions of anger and resentment out, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow these emotions to manifest within myself, not seeing and realizing that it is necessary to write these emotions out and utilize my self, and stabilize myself in relationship to my partner.
Many relationships get screwed up by us projecting our experiences upon our partners, so, definitely cool to take that point of self responsibility for your experiences and more so then stop yourself whenever you see there is any tendency to lash it out on her, this is then a point that can prevent any situation from escalating to the point of abuse against another, very important to prevent yourself from taking any action based on an experience.

So in terms of the corrections, that's what I suggest to consider as basic point of change and correction, and so to not wait until you can write it out to take responsibility for it, rather in the moment as energy comes up, to Not give into it at all, but instead ensure you take responsibility for it.



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Anna
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Anna » 03 Jul 2015, 06:11

Cool Nick.



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viktor
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby viktor » 29 Jul 2015, 06:22

Cool Nick,

Another point that you can look at is where you're doing the same as your partner, meaning: Bring it back to yourself. For example, with feeling like your partner is nitpicking, ask yourself where and how you do the same thing. Maybe your nitpicking yourself more than you realize? Or, maybe you nitpick in a more subtle way? I have found for myself, that it always comes back to myself – that these ideas in my mind about who is doing what to me, and how they are apparently making me feel, it's ALWAYS blame, and ALWAYS limits me from seeing and realizing the actual point that I require to correct.





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