Day13 - fear of the unknown, and not letting go part 2
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself, hide myself in my house, within the fear of the unknown. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and understand, that this is simply the fear of myself, within not being able and willing to see myself, in whatever relationships I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from facing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within facing myself, as this point of self sabotaging myself within what I'm facing, and then, in reaction want to go into hiding, or into not seeing myself, my shit, and what I've accepted and allowed to exist as within myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses such as "I'm worthless, egotistical, my partner is better than me" out of not practically facing myself in relationship to my partner, and seeing for real where I've placed myself in separation, as "better than" or "less than" her, and to see within these points, where I can improve, learn from her, and apply myself within the sense of physical equality, and how I relate to my partner on a physical level.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that holding onto emotions, ego, what I think is best, will only compromise my ability to learn what it means to be physically here, physically able to work with someone, something, and that I can't expect myself to be effective in this, or become more effective, If I still hold onto how I'm feeling, and experiencing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, because I fear letting go of the shit, and the ego, the competition, the conflict, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to want to give up, or limit myself in relationships, expression, because I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up the energies, and thus within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to get out there, and start learning more about myself, to where I can practically recreate myself in the best way possible, so that I can also better understand what it means to be in relationships with people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to take what I've become currently, personally, to the point where I have allowed it to dictate who I am as movement within change, and within my relationships with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto emotional points, and ego, because I haven't allowed myself to be self honest within the fact, that I must learn how to be PHYSICALLY effective, and not emotionally effective, because emotions themselves, and characters and personalities, don't do shit but fuck up the situation within myself more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, that I can no longer depend on isolation, and must push myself, and place myself into this world, to actually change, because staying in my house, and hiding, won't allow myself to learn from myself, which yes, mistakes must be made, fears must be shown, and all the rest, because otherwise, I'll remain stuck, in my own created shit, which doesn't have to be the case.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be walking on egg shells, as if I "must not make a mistake" when not seeing, that I can't expect myself to learn and change, if I just hold back, and not communicate with people, or even if there's conflict within myself, because I see that there's so much shit that I've created, so much separation, so much limitation! that it won't change if all I do is expect everything to be easy, or non consequential.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to judge myself within my effectiveness within this world, and to complain in my mind, that I'm not as effective, and let's be honest, no where even existing in the effectiveness that I could be building, and to thus expect things to just come tomorrow, when not seeing, that I must walk through my points, my limitations, my self judgements, and to place myself out in the world, to recreate my effectiveness, and my ability to live as life, and not holding onto this ego, this point of trying to fix what has already been fucked up, and to rather start working with the fuck ups, the ego, the shit, and to build effectiveness from where I'm at.
When and as I see myself wanting to hide, isolate myself, and not actually continue on with this process, in facing myself, I stop, I breath, and I pick myself back up from whatever points I had seen come up, and to make this the oppurtunity to get back out there, in relationships, in participating with what I have to do, in order to change, in order to physically apply, and to let go of ego, and the idea that I know best, or must think to change, when not seeing, that this shit can't go on if I plan on changing myself, changing my life.
When and as I see myself comparing myself, judging myself, hating myself in my mind, for what has been fucked up, and seeing that I still have points within myself, that are pretty nasty, I stop, I breath, and I let go of the judgements, and rather focus on physically movng myself to change, to become more self aware of who I have allowed myself to become within these experiences, and then to work with what's here, by being supportive for myself, and by building an effectiveness in changing, through relearning this physical timeline - lifetime, into becoming a physical expression, a supportive expressin, rather than an ego expression.
I commit myself to thus start focusing on what's physically here, and how I relate to the physical, and to build an understanding, through laying out a guideline to how I can become physically supportive for myself,a nd effective within my process.
I commit myself to put myself out there, to get into relationships, and to start taking self responsibility, within becoming active in my life, and to recreate myself, fall, make mistakes, build intimacy, build understanding, vocabulary, real confidence, everything that is required to develop myself in this lifetime as something that stands for what's best for all, and apply that to everything in this reality.