Nicks self forgiveness


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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 20 Nov 2015, 23:16

When and as I see myself experiencing conflict within myself towards K, I stop, I breath, and I stop any judgements towards her, and I reflect on what I'm fearing within myself, and to focus on how I can support her within communication, and within the point of discussing things that are fun, within the context of understanding that what I see within her, is actually myself, and to apply self responsibility within communication, or if not communication, rather focusing on the point of self awareness, and direct my thoughts and feelings through assessing them through self forgiveness, and dissecting the point that I mainly feel conflicted towards K, and to continue practicing redirecting within self awareness, when around K.

I see and realize, that I am only projecting my insecurities of what I've limited myself within of thinking I'm somehow "nice" or "better than" K, because I have always limited myself within thinking I require relying on how she expresses herself, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my self expression, is K's self expression, and that I am somehow dictated by how K expresses herself. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame K for her expression, because I have limited myself within depending on her expression, emotionally, to survive within my emotionally dependent expressions. I thus commit myself within this, to discover how I can express myself around other people, and see how I can direct myself within projections, and emotionally dependent reactions, and redirect them within supportive responses.

When and as I see myself losing myself within trying to portray myself as "nice" as a defense mechanism to seeing K's expression, I stop, I breath, and I push myself to focus on what's most supportive within communication to K, and if not in communication, what is most supportive to direct myself through my relationship to K's expression, within this seeing that I must learn to respond to her expressions, and see how I can support myself first, within being around K, whether I see her expressions as "good" or as "bad", and thus within this, discovering how I perceive K within how I've related myself to K.

I see and realize that me thinking K is "mean" is a limited judgement that I have used to not express myself towards K, in what I want within my relationship to her, and that I must utilize this perception, while at the same time applying solutions to when I feel uncomfortable around K, and to open up opportunities to communicate with K, in a way that I see most supportive for myself within being around K, within K's specific expression.

I commit myself to open up my next blog, in how I've limited myself within the definition of "aggression", and to walk through this definition, and to redefine it in a way that is more supportive within seeing how I can better respond to aggression, and take response ability for myself when faced with "aggression"/my perception of aggression.

I commit myself to STOP pretending to "feel nice", and to START LIVING and BREATHING and DIRECTING what's SUPPORTIVE. No more accepting and allowing BULLSHIT ideas that I'm somehow this nice person, but to live what nice really means. Within this, I commit myself to redefine "nice" as what I've related it as to "aggression", and to see within myself how I can live in a way that is actually supportive, and to walk through real time, out of the illusion of "nice".

I commit myself to rather direct conflict and backchat, through letting go of the experience, within self forgiveness, and to apply self correction within how I experience myself when K is expressing herself as "aggressive". Thus, when and as I see myself reacting to K within my perception of her being "aggressive", I stop, I breath, and I first, try and move the conversation into something that we would both find intriguing or interesting, and to first practice this approach every time I experience myself within perceiving her as being "aggressive", and or see what she wants to talk about that could potentially be supportive, and if it doesn't work out, simply focus on physical responsibility, first breathing, physically moving, and then seeing what is best to move myself within what's most supportive for myself within what's here. So for future reference, when and as I see that there isn't a compromise within communication, I continue what I am doing around K physically, or I do something else that is mores supportive than what I intended initially around K.

I commit myself to stop protecting these ideas, by walking my process through focusing on what best supports myself within my relationships, and thus within this, apply those same principles when around K, and to no longer accept false ideations, or experiences, to limit myself from what I know is supportive, and within this, implying within myself that I know who I am, which is living, which responsibility, which is equal to life, and thus, learning to apply these principles to my life, and to my relationships, including with K.

I see and realize that this paranoia, is a representation my mind is playing out, that I am losing touch with myself, and thus when and as I see myself feeling paranoid with what I'm doing, within allowing fears and limitations of myself around K that I've laid out her within correction, and if it comes to a point of paranoia, Immediately stop any thoughts, any reactions, and I focus hard on physical movement, and I direct myself back to practical awareness! and stop the self sabotage, stop the excuses to not direct myself within what I've laid out here, and to walk out of the experience, within seeing practically what I've placed as support for myself her in these self corrective statements. Thus within this, before I decide to go around k, I commit myself to always read this blog, and to also expand myself within my awareness of myself when around k, through finding moments to forgive myself, and to expand on self corrective application.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 22 Nov 2015, 05:28

Day 4 - redefining aggression
So within this post, I'm going to redefine my relationship to the term "aggression", and will be seeing where I've limited myself from the ability to express myself freely and with enjoyment when I see aggression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within the idea that aggression is something to be feared, or something that is scary, or something that should make me feel uncomfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel scary, uncomfortable, and afraid when around aggression, from the memory of my father being aggressive, and thus having related myself to my father in fear that when he is/was aggressive, it is something that I should for some reason react to, because aggression is "scary".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my father when he is aggressive, because I had the relationship to this aggression, as if something bad was going to happen, such as being punished, or something that he would express in which I would feel limited, or frustrated with, which thus seeing that that something bad happening, would be my inability to express myself, or my inability to stop my father from punishing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor relate aggression to punishment, to where when I see aggression, I think that my self expression would be punished, or would be impeded because "there's simply nothing I can do, I'll inevitably be punished and there's nothing I can do or say about it".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a sense of anxiety when I see aggression, or separation, because I see it within myself, and that I have accepted and allowed this point of limitation - the fear of being punished, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse not to express myself freely and enjoyably, because of this in depth fear of being punished, within the idea that no matter what I do or say, my self expression will be punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor have limited myself within this fear of aggression, to not take self responsibility, and to not express myself within living, because I have had this in depth idea that if I do, then I will somehow be punished, or will end up in suffering from expressing myself in living - response ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame when I see aggression from my father, or from K, or anyone, within seeing that point within myself that I have limited myself within the fear of being punished for expressing myself in self response-ability, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse to not push through limitations, because I fear that the people around me will be aggressive towards it.

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to hold this projection towards the people around me, that my limitations are their fault, when seeing that this aggression is really something that is also within myself, because I've refused to give up this system of blame, aggression, and excuse to not take self responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my experiences and limitations, and therefor see this aggression as a scapegoat to feel like I'm more valuable within myself because "they're just aggressive, and I am only doing what's best, what he fuck are they limiting me". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within this idea that others are limiting me, when not seeing and realizing that I simply see that I am in a situation and position of relationships that are inevitably limited within past manipulations, and thus within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that I am equally responsible and liable for being aggressive, and abusive, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aggression, as this outside force, instead of seeing aggression as myself, and within and as my participation to the consequences of aggression within my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus hold others points against them, instead of working within myself, to see solutions within communicating better to support the people around me into what's best, and seeing that, clearly even though these individuals still are within their own minds, I've proven to myself that in certain areas, there is opportunity for better relationships, and better use of those relationships to see within myself, that I can work with these individuals, even if there are disorders within myself in relationship to them. Within this I see that I don't have to take their points personally, or take my reactions to them personally, but to practically work within myself, how I can better the situation in relationship to these individuals, through working within myself, and also taking self response ability within my own experiences, and also by doing physical work, like working for my work force, doing chores, and also having fun and enjoying myself within activities, such as my band/music for equality.

This will expand in part 2




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Nicklk1795
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Joined: 19 Mar 2013, 00:06

Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 23 Nov 2015, 03:29

Day 5 - redefining aggression part 2
So in the previous blog, I had open up a couple of points in relationship to the term/word "aggression". I had seen that I had been so scared of it, because I see that my father in the past would express aggression, and this would mean punishment in the past when I was a child, and so therefor, I had seen this caused aggression within myself, because I felt limited when he was aggressive, and I'm therefor still walking this process in order to unravel the tangled idea that I am limited within seeing aggression, or just simply fearing aggression.

So to open up my experience of aggression today, I had experienced aggression, maybe not necessarily anger, but the aggression of defending myself within a 2 instances.

1 instance, was I saw people who were attacking desteni, or questioning destenis purpose. In the past, this has accumulated waaaay too much, and within my point of giving up my ego and mind in order to see the real truth of desteni, I would always have this conflict, and aggression between desteni, or the attackers. Now however, It is way to fucking obvious that the material of desteni, and our purpose, is that which is best for this world, because the principles we share are considering every aspect of life, which is all that is here to support. Regardless, this still caused aggression, because I had seen aggressors, others minds, and therefor I felt like I had to defend my self expression as a destonian, against the aggressors, which really, is aggression, and really, means that I still have work within myself to do, to where I can see and respond myself as equal to aggressors/attackers towards desteni, because after all, the reason desteni exists, is to show that we are our own creators of existence, and must work with this accepted and allowed point, in order to live out equality/what's best for all, which means yes, even attackers to desteni are equal, which this opens up a realization - why not enjoy myself as equal to everyone, why have all of this aggression, and this experience of isolation, just to "protect myself from self expression" because then really, I am only protecting an idea of my self expression, which is really the representation, that I am still lacking much self expression, because I allow myself to be defined by what others have told me in the past, who I ought to be, how I'm supposed to be, when really, it was all lies, and I've used self deception within myself, through trying to portray "self expression" towards others, and thus within this, am the aggressor, am the one who is no better than a desteni attacker.

The 2nd instance, was when I had a old "friend" stop by next door. I went to go out and sweep and clean the patio and lawn, but I had seen it was sort of later in the day. I had so many reactions from hearing this neighbor talk over the fence, and remembered how aggressive our relationship was, how aggressive I was. I had all sorts of backchat, "they're going to yell at me for making too much noise, because they are the fucking aggressors". And so within this, I see that I am only projecting my past experiences towards this "friend". Yes we had fights and I felt like it was the wrong person to be around, but hell, he could've very well felt the same way, and so what does this show? It shows that I have been in this illusion that aggression is this thing that "happens to me". Therefor from all the experiences I had from my father telling me that I was doing something wrong - I have used these memories to project aggression in my world and have used it to "prevent" aggression from my world from people I "experienced them being aggressive", and therefor within this, I see and realize that I have been the aggressor all along, no matter if someone beats my head into the ground, because I EXIST in and as aggression.

Self forgiveness will continue in part 3.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 24 Nov 2015, 09:15

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel aggressive towards desteni attackers/aggressors, within the fear that they are trying to attack my self expression, as a destonian. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from desteni attackers, as if they are inferior to me within the sense that - because they don't understand, I am somehow superior. Thus I see here that I am no better than them within my process, because they are at their point within their process, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to desteni attackers processes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize, that I have used aggression,as a. Defense mechanism to not just do this process for myself, but instead compare myself to others processes, and try and live out these characters I've created in my mind as "destonian" and not instead just live out what I've seen from desteni, and show it, and live it too myself, in order to make is much easier on my process, within this support of living what I've seen from destonians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor judge myself within what I share, what I'm expressing, because I have always wanted to be accepted, and always wanted to have others see me do my process, when not seeing and realizing, that it doesn't make a difference whether others see it or not, because I am the living example of what I accept and allow. Thus within this, I commit myself to let go of all of the wants and needs within myself to want to impress others, and other destonians, and to start changing this pattern, by living out change throughout my day, and proving it to myself, and stop this aggressive mood within myself towards others in my world, as if they are somehow inferior to me and what I'm expressing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus get this feeling of embarrassment, or failure, because I feel like no matter what I do, I will never achieve life, when not seeing that life is already here, and it just takes letting go of the ego, to live what's here, and breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from my "friend" in fear of him being aggressive, or in fear that the past will unfold again, and will manifest itself in front of me, where I think he will judge me for cleaning my yard in the late afternoon.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that in the past, I have been equally liable for being aggressive, and for experiencing separation and manifesting abuse towards this "friend", and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as better than this friend, as if I am somehow the "innocent", and he is somehow the "nice", and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my aggression/lack of self responsibility/lack of doing my process in equality to others, towards my friend, in order to not see myself, see myself for my own acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not face my acceptances and allowances in real time, and start changing myself for what I have allowed within myself, and the consequences I have created in my life. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to thus walk through all points of energy, ego, and separation as much as I can.

When and as I see myself fearing aggression, within the actuality that I am only merely projecting my aggression towards another, I stop, I breath, and I walk out of the projection, by taking self responsibility for my experiences, and what I am accepting and allowing as limitation.

When and as I see myself separating myself from a desteni attacker, I stop, and breath, and I see where I have allowed conflict, and separation within myself, towards the desteni group, towards my environment, and I walk through my accepted and allowed ego as this "great destonian", and I stop the nonsense, and stop this idea that I am a guru, god, and I practically walk with what's here, enjoy my self expression, and enjoy my process, by applying myself to my process, and actually living it.

I commit myself to thus attempt the 21 day challenge, of stopping all thoughts from directing me, and taking all the self responsibility I can.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 25 Nov 2015, 05:28

So there was an interesting situation that happened within myself, a sort of paranoia hallucination type feeling, after I was at a cigar bar down town. It seems that when I smoke or am around cigar smoke, it gives me this initial anxiety. Usually when it is night time, this anxiety turn into this hyper intense paranoia, so much that it's like my experience, is like this heavy negative and scary feeling on my body. Now, this heavy feeling is merely the effects of the cigar reacting physically with my brain, which if you've never had a cigar, some can be quite strong.

So where does this feeling and experience related to the heavy dizzy feeling come from? Well, it comes from my relationship with altering feelings that relate to the effect a cigar has on me, to the time when I used to smoke weed, and do psychedelics. Basically, when I smoked weed, or did psychedelics, I felt extremely paranoid, self conscious, not knowing what to feel or think, and therefor, this stuff has really altered my mental experience, and also therefor my living experience, because before all of this shit, I never had these scary feelings, or freaked out moments, and this has also contributed to my schizophrenia, and the way I experience myself in certain situations of my life.

It's funny how easily these substances can just fall in the hands of an adolescent or even a child, who is completely naive to the point at which these substances can effect the mind, and once the child/adolescent is exposed to it, most of the time these things are used consistently, or depending on their minds, and how eaches mind functions, can cause such a drastic effect, such as myself being an example. So within this point, I see that this was a consequence I accepted and allowed, which I understand that my guardians or people who were supposed to be a better influence, were a factor, as well as the education system - meaning how this world educates our children all together, but, it was my choice, and I abused these substances, and now I am facing these experiences, and also facing how I experience myself as a whole already.

However within all of this, i will say this, the chances of me having been as concerned about wanting to stop these experiences of feeling like shit all of the time, and having my experience being altered, to where I was accessing points in my mind that I never experienced before these substances, I probably wouldn't have discovered desteni. So not to say that these drugs are somehow "life changing for the better" lol, but just saying from my personal experience, I wouldn't probably have ever considered looking up the things I did. So for the reader, I would highly suggest staying away from any kind of drug, besides drugs that are prescribed by professional support.

So this is the point I'm facing, my consequence of using drugs, and being mentally influenced, to the point where I have these scares, and frights, and this "not knowing what to do" experience, which has abdicated allot of my ability to have a more clear perspective of things, which not singling myself out as someone "I'll", but simply understanding that I must utilize this point over time, untill I'm no longer effected by it.

Self forgiveness will continue in part 2.




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