Title: "Is my information helpful.. Am I being supportive?!
/ more superiority / fear of being inferior" Character - self forgiveness
Once people started liking my videos, posts, things I simply replied back to them, i felt it as a sense of them "liking" me. I took all of this information about supporting each other for equality, and formed it into my own idea, while actually believing that I was simply supporting myself to find myself as a physical being, thus doing what is best for all: "since my fellow destonians are supporting me (obviously by just simply supporting me as equal to them, as life), then I must support them back. OH WAIT, what if they don't think i'm supportive enough, oh I must make sure I comment back, oh I must make sure that they think I actually have unconditional care for them out of there information which was given to me, instead, i'm going to create the illusion within myself that I need to support them back, so that I can thus have more acceptance from them, so I can feed more into my ego trip more and more, by planting my face on a computer screen after work till my eyes are bloodshot, because I constantly have to make sure people like what I am doing, regardless If this separates myself from reality, and from every individual human being on this earth, I'm going to do it any ways because this is a wonderful "self agenda" that is being presented by ME, OH YES ME ME ME, and oh I can't wait to get home from work tomorrow, while I still need to clean my house, feed my dog, get physical exercise, explore music for equality, doing what's ACTUALLY PRACTICAL, instead I will completely disregard everyone and feed off of an inferior character that I have accepted and allowed ever since the existence of my awareness".. It only took one person to confront my character, that wasn't me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my inferior character, by feeding off of people liking my posts, or giving me advice, welcoming support: "hi nick thanks for the add", which then I accepted and allowed myself to (instead of simply accepting this as unconditional support, and taking it into practical consideration, as well as freely expressing support back to them unconditionally) generate the fear of "losing" my fellow destonians as "friends" - people who "like" and "approve" what i'm doing - if i did not post something in there appeal, unless they did (practically as unconditional support) like it, or reply back "positively", then I would reply back to most of them by regenerating the fear of them "liking" what I said to them, as if it made them "feel better back", thus only creating a self agenda, and separating myself from reality, thus also only leading myself into internal collapse as a physical being, due to recycling this energy that I've accepted and allowed, as well as deceiving my fellow destonians by feeding off of this energy that I've accepted and allowed, thus keeping myself as the cause of why this world is so fucked up.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief in my head, that by only reading peoples blogs that only compare in any aspect to anything i'm struggling with within my character, I can feed off of what they have applied self forgiveness about and make myself think that I don't have to take responsibility as a physical being to release myself from my character, and can "feel good" about myself, because these people have certain similar struggles as me, thus also creating a belief in my head, that by looking at these peoples struggles, than I won't have to voice myself through self honesty because I already have generated "feeling good" off of the idea that they have certain attributes of similar struggles as I do, so therefor I must have now dealt with my fear of "inferiority".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exploit my fellow destonians blogs, by exchanging "support" off of what I view In their blogs (whether it was in my vlog "hard to explain myself - self forgiveness" or when it was when I replied to multiple posts on "7 year journey to life", as my character, when I was only suppressing my fear of voicing myself as a physical human being, thus not with clarity supporting myself as a physical human being through applying self forgiveness, and what is best for all, thus also not being completely self honest with myself as a physical human being, therefor I lead myself into internal collapse off of recycling this self generated energy, thus deceiving my fellow destonians and not doing what is best for all life, thus keeping myself as the cause of why this world is so fucked up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mention that I should vlog more, believing that It would actually be a "good" way of breaking out of my false character of being "inferior", when I essentially was again feeding into my self interests, due to wanting to posts videos due to essentially wanting to only be "approved" by my fellow destonian "friends", instead of posting videos in order to completely, and not partially, have meaning to expose my self created character, and find myself as a physical being, within this breath, as well as support my fellow destonians by exchanging information through these videos with complete, and unconditional care, thus there would be no no room for me to be able to generate the fear of being inferior after, or before, making these videos, blogs, replying back to my fellow destonians in conversation, therefor I would be truly doing what is best for all, and not what Is best for myself, and there would never have been any point of me being apart of desteni if I continued to accept and allow myself for this fear of being"inferior" to be hidden, and not exposed, completely, and with clarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate the fear that If this specific blog, which I am now applying self forgiveness, doesn't get seen by my fellow destonians, then eventually they will discover that I have been deceiving them through feeding myself off of this fear of being inferior, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate the feeling that after applying self forgiveness, I have an excuse to go back to my self generated fear of being "inferior", due to feeling superior, in terms of "feeling good" that I applied self forgiveness, so there forI'm now a "good person".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate "good feelings" when I am thinking that I am giving unconditional care towards people in my immediate environment, when this eventually will lead to me getting tired or giving unconditional care because it is simply needed, thus I will only fall into this "inferior / superior" battle, which has always happened in every situation in my life when i helped somebody, or became apart of a schedule of helping somebody daily, for example: helping my friend get in shape, or always make sure that my friend doesn't drink beer because he's an alcoholic, in which I create it into a situation of me"being a good person, and working for a good cause", instead of in fact helping that person, or being apart of desteni, because It is practically needed as supporting life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify in my mind, that since I am confused about who I truly am, and when I am acting upon these self generated emotions, that it is okay for me to act upon these self generated emotions when I do not realize, until I am able to expose these emotions completely, and when I am unconditionally exchanging any form of information to my fellow destonians, thus this justification only continues to recycle the energy within myself of actually being superior to others, which this superior illusion in my head is in terms of thinking that I am "special" to the rest of my fellow destonians, as well as people in my immediate environment, thus I would only lead to internal collapse as a physical humans being, which this specific internal collapse would get to the point of all of my fellow destonians discovering this within me, which then confronting me, and I would get to the point of madness because I would have continually been in denial of this self generated emotion, and allowed it to be expressed through my blogs, vlogs, replying to my fellow destonians, in every day life to people in my immediate environment, etc, and in fact I would have essentially deceived myself.
I am committed to not exploit my fellow destonians based off of what I think is best for them, when I essentially am only feeding into "these good feelings" in which are self generated from the essence of my fearing of being inferior to others.
I am committed to blog / vlog when I truly and in with clarity am finding myself as a physical human being, and not doing it as a sense of wanting to get approval from my fellow destonians, or doing it to relieve myself, which again only leads to making an excuse for myself
I am committed to communicating with my fellow destonians, as in comments, or liking there posts, or instant messaging them, unconditionally, and not in the sense of me wanting to get their approval, which is only self generated within myself, and is not what is best for all.
I am committed to stop this deception within myself through everyday life and in my immediate environment.
I am committed to being apart of desteni for its exact purpose, and not make it something for me to escape what I have allowed and accepted myself to be, thus only deceiving myself into creating it for my own self agenda, and not to find myself as a physical being, and not doing what is best for all.
I am committed to expose this basic "inferior" character that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on my whole entire life, and to find myself as a physical being within and as this breathe of living.
I am committed to doing what is best for all life, and not make this reality into my own self agenda, which only leads myself into internal collapse as a physical human being, and will only recycle itself till the day I meet death, which i will only regret this act that I have accepted and allowed at this point in my existence If I do not stop.
Thank you, Nick.