Nicks self forgiveness

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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 27 Sep 2015, 16:32

Day 126 - writing out of self interest
So today, I had realized that I had another fall in my process to life. Now, was I ever thinking or considering that I was on a process to life, no, because for the past year, I have been "taking a break" from being self responsible in regards to directing my emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions. So basically, I have thought to myself, "now I will write, because I had failed at something, and so now I can just write it out and start writing again, because NOW I want to change". This is a clear indication that I still continue to live in self interest, and that my only intent of writing before hand all the time, was out of self interest, or out of fear of not surviving in the current system.

It seems that all I've ever aspired to do was make money, be a better "person", and to please other people to get my way around the system, and to get my way when it came to attracting success, or attracting positivity. So why is it that now I'm writing?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to write, within the intent of making money, of fearing failure, and of being successful in manipulating other people around me, with knowledge that I took advantage of from the desteni process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to not write/take self responsibility for real, or for the purpose of what's best for all,.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my relationships, through using knowledge of the desteni material, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have applied the tools and knowledge for the benefit of all life, but instead only for my personal relationships, which within the self interested intent, still turned out to have failed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have made the excuse, that because I wasn't writing, that it was all because " I needed a break" when not seeing and realizing, that I was simply not interested in writing anymore, and thus I actually stopped writing because I never was writing out of the intent of what's best for all life to begin with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that this whole time of "taking a break from writing", I've merely been accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind, and to participate in energy, in a point of misdirection, and thus not actually taking self responsibility, simply because I allowed myself to accept the mind, to accept abuse, to accept the system.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much I could've prevented abuse, and how much I could've supported myself, and others around me, if I would've kept writing consistently.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not realize that I had not been applying change from my writing, which is an indication that I wasn't writing, or stating SF, SCS for real.

When and as I see myself stopping consistent writing, or seeing that I am writing from a self interest point, I stop, I breath, and I start over, and write again, or continue with what I'm writing, with the knowledge as to why I am writing, which is what is best for all.

I commit myself to write daily, or at least do the desteni lite course, to assure that I am taking self responsibility every day, to direct my emotions, thoughts. And feelings.

I see and realize that directing thoughts, feelings, and emotions, should be within the starting point of breath, and of understanding why I am directing these things, which is to support my life, and others lives equally.



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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 24 Oct 2015, 20:57

Day 129 - how I relate myself to my partner in emotions/feelings/personalities
So what I've realized in when communicating with my partner via skype, or cell phone, is that there will be consistent moments of where I will feed into old personality relationships, and habits, that will seem great in the scheme of things, but then when I participate in an emotion, or personality that relates to my partner, that causes emotional distress, then I can see allot more of how it operates within communication to my partner, and how I lead to a point of wanting to control, and manipulate her with these personalities..

So now is the point to discover and face myself, through investigating the context of these behaviors, personalities, emotions, backchat, etc. to where I can finally see where the issue has lied in my relationship to my partner

Today I will start with a point that I've had for a while, and it came up while I was talking to my partner about it.

So there is a point I have of feeling incompetent within myself as a partner, to where whenever my partner mentions her old partners/relationships, I go into a defense mode, where I tell myself "I'm better than them, they we're mean, I am not good enough because she's still stuck on those relationships, and I won't ever meet up to the expectations as they will". I then go into a point of trying to control my partner eventually through this, where I will look through her pictures on fb, or Instagram, or try and find guys she's talked to, to where I'm so jealous that I have to invade her freedom of expression and way of life.

So a problem here, is that I am accepting and allowing myself to limit my own self expression as a person, to where I go and blame my partner for having expressed herself with having pictures of whatever she likes, or may not bother with because they are old, or the fact that she imminently had past relationships that were potentially the same construct as our relationship we currently have, and so for this reason, I want to limit my partners self expression, and potentially her friends/peers expressions, by getting onto there case and blaming them for talking to her, because what's going through my mind is that "she's my girlfriend, not yours, and therefor you can't talk to her or have anything to do with her".

What this usually leads to is a potential consequence of where I will attack my partner and blame her for having these pictures of her past self, or with other people. Then it will usually lead to me defending my point when my partner confronts me about it, and where I will make up all kinds of excuses to where I justify the point of invading her freedom of expression, and in reality, trying to limit her way of expression, simply because I'm too incompetent to actually face myself and my insecurities, and so therefor I project that onto my partner, and tell her that she's the problem, when I'm actually the fucking problem.




I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner having an emotional connection with her past/old relationships. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear her having pictures of old partners, or old friends that I then perceive within this fear, that "they are more important than me, they shouldn't be there because I should be the only one in her pictures and am the most important out of all of them".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent, and therefor attack my partner in my mind, with the notion that she shouldn't have others that she still has emotional connections with, and therefor shouldn't have pictures of them because "I'm her boyfriend/partner". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that she is going through her own freedom of choice within her process, and that regardless of how I perceive how she experiences her emotions, or what she is doing with her pictures, I have no place in trying to control her or limit her with her self expression, or with her process. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to have the intent on potentially limiting my partners process, and self expression, through wanting her in my mind, to let go of those emotional connections, or get rid of those past pictures with herself, friends, and past partners. I also forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created a limitation within what she does with her pictures, from past situations where I attacked her for having these pictures, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have attacked my partner for having these pictures.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my own self expression, and prevent myself from accepting and embracing myself as my partners spouse, by accepting and allowing self judgement of my incompetence, and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure, and to therefor attack my partner in the past, and currently in my mind, as a projection of my own insecurities.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the feeling of guilt, for when she ended up deleting her pictures because of my want to control her, and for my actions of trying to convince her to take down her pictures. Within this, I also forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when she tells me that she took down more pictures because she "understood that I wouldn't have wanted them posted", and thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to make the situation much bigger in my mind, than what it really is, and to not simply replace the situation with a practical self directive point, instead of allowing the fears, emotions, and intent to accumulate to further consequences that could possibly relate to other points within myself, or points related to my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for what I experience within and as myself, in relations to incompetence, and thus the self judgement, when not seeing and realizing, that I require self directing these points, and reflecting on these points, to where I then can investigate where am I blaming my partner when I feel incompetent? What triggers these reactions and patterns when she says something, that relates to these pictures she has posted?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to control my partner emotionally within the pattern of wanting her to not have these pictures, or to not have these emotional connections. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the emotional connection I have with my partner, and to not utilize myself in an alone state of mind, to where I'm alone within discovering who I am, and then within that, being able to discover who I am in relationship to my partner.

Part 2 will continue with more self forgiveness...






I have a question on how to further apply self forgiveness when losing awareness of the dimensions, and points while writing.. How can I continue with better supporting myself in being in more detail with my self forgiveness, without losing site of what I participated in/experienced myself as, etc. and what tools can I use to be consistently detailed, and self aware of the dimensions within this point I'm writing here?



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viktor
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby viktor » 31 Oct 2015, 20:45

One point that is effective is to choose one point to write about – and with that I mean: Select 1 moment – and walk that moment in physical space and time in your writing. Describe the moment from the perspective of the three mind-dimensions – 1) Conscious = What thoughts did you have? 2) Subconscious = What emotions/feelings came up within you? 3) Unconscious = How did you physically change/experience yourself?

And when you are done with the walk-through of the moment – begin with the self-forgiveness. Here what you can do is to scroll through your writings as you apply self-forgiveness, walk through each sentence, and apply self-forgiveness where it is relevant – and make sure you apply self-forgiveness on all of the three levels of the mind.

When your self-forgiveness is done – do the self-commitment statements – and to do these specifically – you can scroll through your self-forgiveness. Design a self-commitment statement for each line of self-forgiveness you have spoken/written down. Make sure that in your self-commitment statements – you create practical/hands-on solutions for yourself that you will be able to remember and apply as you face the same point again in your life.

This is basically how I do it. And to go deeper in your self-forgiveness – ask yourself questions. Do not settle with – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry – ask: Why did I become angry? Because then your next line of self-forgiveness can be like this: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry because I do not like how person X is speaking to me – and then you can ask: Why do I not like how person X is speaking to me?

You see? When you use questions – you are able to go a lot deeper into yourself.

I suggest that you try what I have shown here and see if it makes any difference.



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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 14 Nov 2015, 06:30

Cool victor. I've been slowly applying this within myself. But this is something that I will support myself with, and to push myself further in facing myself,and really creating a practical point of support, and bettering myself within self forgiveness, and self corrective statements.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 14 Nov 2015, 06:31

Day 139 - existing within sharing, out of wanting others to like me/it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the point of wanting to share videos, posts, comments, replies, out of the desire for likes, and out of the desire for others to think I'm a good person. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself from expressing myself within self responsibility of sharing myself for others to see, as only wanting to share out of others to think I'm a good person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share myself with others, within the hope that I will receive a like, within the hope that I will receive multiple likes, thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to share myself within self interest of wanting others to see what I'm doing in hopes that they think there's nothing wrong with me, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to limit myself within sharing, within the fear that there's something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus feel motivated when seeing likes and comments of "positivity" on my posts and on my shares. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself I a. Little bubble of happiness within what I share on Facebook or to others, out of the fear that I will actually have to face myself within my reality, and within my environment, and within relationship to other people. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress fears, and to suppress my relationship to myself, and to other people through wanting to share in hopes of getting likes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus judge myself within what I'm doing, and then instead of facing myself within that point for myself, I rather go into a point of thinking others will see it and like it, and think that I'm a good person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not gift myself the ability to face myself, gift myself the ability to do better, and to gift myself the ability to work with myself, and work within releasing points, and actually being able to do this in living principled application. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to be committed to living for what's best for all, and being committed to live this first, before sharing it. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to share myself on Facebook, within the understanding of these principles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus hide from my circumstances, through sharing posts. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share posts on Facebook within the intent of projecting myself onto other people, as if they are like me, and will accept me for "who I am", without considering the consequence of this, within - showing people what I'm doing, and then not actually living, within the participation within energy towards this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not share within the principle of what's best to share, but instead sharing what I want to share, instead of sharing what I need to share. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to limit myself physically within sharing, in terms of scheduling my vlogs, and scheduling my shares on Facebook, and within this, investigating the reactions to when I want to share, and thus changing this point of self interest within sharing, into creating a point of learning what sharing really means, and what sharing consists of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not see and realize, that sharing is for supporting others, in seeing that I am consistent, in seeing that I am supporting self, and seeing that I am living principles. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to have created the illusion of living principles, through depending on other people emotionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus apply my emotional dependency towards other people, towards desteni, towards more personal relationship, onto sharing, and onto applying myself to responsibilities.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to build confidence, through depending on others emotionally, instead of applying what I learn from them, into my life, and into myself, into what I know I can become, and know I need to become, in order to change this world. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to relate wanting to change, to self interest, instead of relating wanting to change, for a real purpose, which is, to change this world, which start with facing myself in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not face myself fully, and applying self responsibility fully, to the point where I in fact change myself, and face myself. Within this, I see and realize, that I must face my reality, that I must face emotions, and face circumstances, and place myself in a more supportive position, out of the understanding, that I will be facing myself in these circumstances, and to understand that I must learn what it truly means to live change, and to live self responsibly.

Within this, I commit myself to apply change, in each and every way possible, by applying principles, and common sense, and a schedule for myself, and responsibility for myself, to face myself in what I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with, and to limit myself from changing, and facing myself in fears, and in emotions, and to face myself in relationship to this world.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want what's runs, only want what's easy, instead of really standing, and actually applying change to myself, applying oppurtunity to myself, which is the real change, that will ripple through the tools I use, through the things I do, and will show what I really can become, and show my true strength. Within this, I commit myself to focus myself on things that will actually support me within my days of living, and to actually learn how to apply living in this world.

So within this, I see that I want to experience my free time, which I scheduled, but instead, I could find better things to do, and better things that can support myself before going to bed.

Watching desteni videos.
Reading others blogs.
Listening to what my buddy suggested me listen to - your wish is your command.

Within this, I see and realize, that this shows that I have the opportunity to be the best version of myself, through applying myself within self responsibility, and letting go of old perspectives, and limited thinking, but to instead always challenge myself, and to always live within doing what's best.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 14 Nov 2015, 07:20

I forgive myself for wanting to play guitar within the thought that it will be fun, and that I can escape reality. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape reality, because I want to feel better about myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to feel better about myself, because reality is something I've always hidden from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from reality, because I feel vulnerable to reality, and feel like the world will never change. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like the world will never change, because I've been in a belief system of experiencing myself within surviving in this world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to survive in this world, because I fear changing myself within this world, in order to change this world in a place that I would want for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a physical feeling of euphoria when I see my guitar, within this, I forgive myself for getting a shockwave through my chest when I see my guitar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a shockwave through my chest, because I want to escape reality, and that I've programmed myself to look at the guitar every time I come in my room, so that I can escape self responsibility, from facing myself.

When and as I want to play my guitar to escape my reality, I stop, and breath, and I do something more supportive, and within this, I inhibit the act of playing guitar to escape my reality.

When and as I see myself wanting to feel better about myself in order to escape reality, I stop, I breath, and I forgive the point that I want to feel better about within myself.

When and as I see myself wanting to feel better about myself, due to reality being something I've always hidden from, I instead write out one point in my reality that I've always hidden from, and I apply myself to face that point. For example - facing "existing as sharing, out of wanting others to like me/it" within this, I commit myself to do something more supportive than playing guitar when I want to escape reality, and to move myself to support myself, into facing myself in this one point of "existing as sharing, out of wanting others to like me/it".

When and as I see myself feeling like the world will never change, out of me feeling vulnerable to the world, and out of therefor wanting to hide, I stop, I breath, and I instead stick with breathing, focusing, and applying self directive principle to what's here.

I see and realize, that I have been limited within the belief, that I have to survive within this world, in order to experience myself within good feelings. Within this, I commit myself, to redefine one good feeling that I experience, throughout my day.

I commit myself to face myself within as many moments as possible, within the construct of self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, with breathing, with focusing, and with questioning, releasing, and solving.

When and as I see myself experiencing euphoria when I see my guitar, I stop, I breath, and I instead of looking at my guitar when coming in my room one day, I look at my bed, and then the next day, look at my guitar. Within this, inhibiting the reaction to looking at my guitar when coming in my room.

When and as I see myself getting a shock wage through my chest when seeing my guitar, I stop, I breath, and I instead focus on my breath, and focus on what I am doing HERE, and thus creating a more supportive intent.

I commit myself to not look at the guitar when coming in my room every other day, within the understanding, that this will allow myself to better understand what I'm facing, and better understand, what I do to prevent self responsibility, and prevent facing myself.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 15 Nov 2015, 07:07

So I have usually lived within the idea, that my mind is justified, and within this. I have isolated myself from other people, my environment, and have noticed that when I try to talk and get out there, and try to experience confidence within myself, it's usually a confidence that I have used to suppress the reality that I have separated myself from this world. I have used confidence, as an access point to abuse, because really, this confidence point I've existed within and as myself, has been a point that I have used to confidently abuse, confidently be outrageous towards other people, and confidently give into the shit that has been accepted and allowed within myself, to define myself within the point of who I am, which has been only my mind, and only the idea that I am better than everyone else, and that this is somehow justified.

So within all of this, I have created many patterns that I've used to limit myself from being able to see myself within what I've accepted and allowed as abusive, and what I've accepted and allowed to use to justify me facing myself in this reality.

So what have I justified within my own mind to prevent myself from facing myself for real? I have lived within this idea, that when I see my circumstances being tested against me, I go ahead and blame those circumstance, and I do this in order to not see myself for real, within the point that it is my circumstances fault, for my reactions. Within this, I go into the point of protecting myself from facing myself, I go into the ideas and the thoughts of wanting others to see me be successful, and within this, I see that I experience rage, and I experience anger within myself.

So within this anger, I see and realize that I have always put on a show, and so I defend that show, and instead of facing myself in the responsibilities that I know I have to face myself in, I rather defend the reasoning for my behavior, and so I continue the behavior, instead of looking at all aspects of the behavior, and seeing where I can utilize myself in relationship to what I've already manifested within my behavior. So within this, I see and realize that the point to give up, is the point of self sabotage, and to give up the point of what I've dictated myself as within and as my own ego.

So within this, I can reflect, and see where I require making changes first hand, which is within the point of "making posts on Facebook to feed my ego".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself within my own mind, through pretending that I'm supporting myself with sharing tons of pictures, explanations of those pictures, vlogs, and blogs, within wanting to suppress myself from facing my own environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people within my environment, and to want to hide in fear of spot seeing, that I am the primary cause of my experience, and within this, I see within this point, that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate triggers and reactions of the fear of facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus go into mind energy, and to go into resistance, to facing myself within my environment, and within this point of blaming others for my own accepted and allowed points of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for the reactions I'm facing within myself, but to rather feed the mind within not letting go of this point, of "sharing posts on Facebook for the egos attention".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share posts on Facebook, for the intention on receiving likes, and attention for false purposes, such as only wanting to receive attention for points that are actually irrelevant to what I'm actually supposed to be facing, which is just simply what's here in my environment, and to just let go of doing all of these posts, and let go of the fact that I had done this. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself, and to access this anger, instead of focusing on the practicality of the situation, which is - I have manipulated and deceived myself into thinking I'm a good person, and so I have always lived this, and have abused others, including myself, in the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to thus make process only more difficult for myself within facing myself, by using all of these outlets on the internet, and applying myself in conversations about things I haven't even applied within my own life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to therefor justify my own mind, by using media outlets, and by justifying the anger and rage, within posting myself on Facebook, and within sharing myself under the idea that I'm a good person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other people, as points to justify myself, in relationship to my environment, and to use people in order to not face myself within my environment. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to thus let all of this go, and just start taking self responsibility, within thus setting boundaries within what I share, or say to people. Within this, I see and realize that there is a solution to facing myself, and that solutions, are the point to focus on while facing myself, in seeing that I can create myself in actually being able to face myself, instead of dwelling on the fact of what I did.

I forgive myself therefor for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry, and exposed, within seeing that I have used people, and that I have portrayed myself towards people, in order to try and get them to see that I'm somehow a "good person". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this out to be way bigger than what it really is, as if I am "a failure, a bad person".

I commit myself to thus set up some boundaries with sharing posts on Facebook.

I commit myself to only share one blog a day on Facebook, within this also sharing the blogs on all desteni blog forums, including the website.

I commit myself to only share a vlog, when I have seen a point within myself, and within this I commit myself to share that vlog once a day on my youtube account.

I commit myself to only share one thing on my wall on Facebook per day.

Further SCS will continue.




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