Nicks self forgiveness


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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 16 Nov 2015, 08:35

When and as I see myself going into fear of facing myself, I stop, I breath, and I understand within this point, that it must learn to utilize practically my relationship with my environment, in order to be self honest, and in order to see where I stand in place of my relationships, within this point, being sharing blogs, blogs, pictures.

I commit myself to further focus on this point for the rest of the week, and to see how I relate to sharing posts on Facebook.

I see and realize, that I have been deciding myself within this lifetime, through doing things that have prevented me from facing myself. Within this, I commit myself to stand as life, and to practically do a step by step process of facing myself, and to know there is always solutions, and that all it takes, is seeing what has been fucked up in this world, and how I exist within myself in relationship to that. Within this, I commit myself to walk a 7 year journey to life process, and to face my consequences, within also aspiring to do better, and aspiring to put myself in a position where I can support and equal money system.

I see and realize, that I have used media outlets as a scapegoat, but also have used many things as scapegoats. Within this, I see that I don't have to stop participating in my life, but practically use these participation in a way that is best for all, and what's enjoyable for myself, and to discover, challenge, and learn what's better to express myself within these outlets, that support myself and others.

When and as I see myself dwelling and playing the victim character when reactions come, and when I see myself in a situation of facing my reactions, I stop, I breath, and I practically direct the point, by what's here, and seeing all opportunities to be supportive for for what's best for all.

I see and realize that I inevitably have portrayed myself towards other people, and that within this, I have used this point to try and create money in others expense, which is really my expense, because imam equal to others, and within this, I commit myself to stand for life, and to stand in self responsibility, and to do what I have to do, to change myself within this world into a place that's best for all.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 17 Nov 2015, 04:21

So I'm going to practice and see where venting reactions come up within me in this post.

So I was in the sauna, and felt really good. I met a guy in there who was cool, and we small talked about how the sauna felt. When I got out, I immediately reacted in wanting to share my experience on Facebook.

So within this, a couple of reactions came up - the thought of destonians talking to me verifying that I made this post. The thought of destonians verifying that I just said this sentence. So within this I see that I have the expectation of venting through what I'm sharing. I have the expectation of a specific person or group of people reacting within what I'm saying/sharing.

So when I shared the post, a couple of reactions came up - "I hope people like my posts", "wait this wasn't the right thing to share, shit I'm exposed, people know that I am just sharing to portray an image of being someone apart of desteni, good looking, healthy, fun, friendly."

So, it seems that there's a little idea in my mind, that I have to share what I'm experiencing all the time. Why can't I just share what I'm LIVING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only share what I'm experiencing on Facebook, in order to get verification of my experience, instead of sharing what I'm LIVING. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within wanting others to verify my ideas of myself, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live and take self responsibility for myself, within what I know I need and must do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself that im standing for a cause, when not seeing and realizing that I am not fully standing, until I prove to MYSELF that I'm standing, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to portray to other people that I'm living for a cause, because I am unwilling to be alone, I'm afraid of seeing what might happen if I just start focusing on the real issues in this world, and the real things that I could actually enjoy in this lifetime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus think that people are going to judge me within me trying to portray a certain image of myself, because I know that within myself, I am just trying to portray a certain image. And it's funny, because I'll expect likes, and then I'm afraid I won't get them usually when I am becoming quickly aware that I'm sharing "bullshit events", because I understand that I have created a consequence within my existence within myself, which is the creation of wanting to hide from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus hide from myself, because I see that there's real shit in front of me, and that every time I do take self responsibility, and then try to hide, I mind fuck myself into thinking that I am not takin self responsibility, because I am only verifying through sharing posts on Facebook that I am not taking self responsibility, through trying to portray a certain image.

Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exposed, and then create defiance within myself to not face myself for real. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize, HAHAHAHA, I can easily just stop participating in all of this bullshit, let go of the ego, and just start living and creating, I mean shouldn't it be something to appreciate within myself that I can just start taking self responsibility for my fears, my creation.

So within all of this, I commit myself to go back to the one post a day commitment, but within this, I commit myself to really focus on myself before posting something, like, maybe I can start posting pictures of flowers, or my dog, or my family. Within this, I see and realize that the point of sharing, is to allow others to see what is supportive, and to allow others to see what this world needs to be - what's best for all. So within this, I see and realize that writing self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, and sharing posts, is something to work up to as a commitment for what's best for all, for my 7 year journey to life process.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 18 Nov 2015, 05:17

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with dreams, and to participate in being around things I want, instead of earthing myself within what's here at my home, where I require taking self responsibility for my relationships, and myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus lose myself within my process, and to have lost myself within the idea of money, big houses, fancy things, and to not have taken self responsibility for myself within what was at my home, because I have used this point of "dreaming", out of escaping my relationships to people within the context of how I actually relate myself to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus become "happy" out of thinking that I am in the position of making lots of money, instead of breathing, and going back to the points I was utilizing within myself before hand, which was the point of anger, and how I relate myself to others within anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus become possessed by this idea of money, and not earth myself back here, within the point of taking practical self responsibility for the points I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from already.

Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that I must stop playing with these ideas, and start living within what I'm supposed to be doing, which is taking self responsibility for my home, for my relationships, and to start doing what's best for my process, which is to focus on these relationships slowly, and effectively, and not living in this idea that I am going to attain a bunch of money, but rather focusing on the points that I've laid out in my blogs.

I commit myself to stop participating in these energetic participations, and start taking care of myself within what's best, which is to remain stable, here, and within the point of focusing on my process, within the principles of what is best for all, and to understand that I cannot stand fully with an equal money system, if I cannot fully stand within recreating myself.

I commit myself to thus clean my house, go study, take a shower, play with my dog, and go to sleep, and to continue tomorrow focusing on self, how I'm experiencing myself, and to not further lose myself in "dreams", and start directing myself in LIFE.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 18 Nov 2015, 23:49

Day 1 -knowing I'm schizophrenic, and embracing myself
So I have learned fully today, that I'm schizophrenic. I am experiencing panic, and experiencing the point of not knowing what to do. I have realized that I have walked this process, not being completely aware that I am schizophrenic, and allot of consequences have happened because of this, that I wasn't self honest about taking care of, and thus, now I am breathing, and walking through the point of embracing myself, my past, my consequence within my own mind and physical body, to where I can now take on this point of schizophrenia, and can assist myself with my professional support, and can assist myself additionally with the tools of desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have been self honest within the point of being schizophrenic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have see and realized, that I must takes self responsibility for my schizophrenia, because I am in a point of having multiple personalities try and emerge themselves T once, which within this, see that I must direct myself in real time, and to assist myself with activities, such as music, walking, exercising, breathing, playing with my dog, going for drives, and to walk myself, and take it slow within myself, to assist and support myself within the understanding, that I am schizophrenic, and have a dis functioning within myself, that requires being taken care of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus compare myself to other destonians, because I have seen that they are able to simply write very structurally, and very consistently, but not seeing and realizing that I am disabled in being able to just sit down and write, and must instead, walk my points within real time, in order to assist myself in doing my best in writing out my points in my daily blogs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to not see and realize that if I do not take care of myself, and take it slow, that I will continue losing functionality, and will not be able to take care of myself, which thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to fear taking on responsibilities, because I see that there are points of anger and rage within myself, that tend to want to emerge themselves allot, and that within this, I have seen that the possessions have been too much to handle at times. Thus within this, I see and realize that I must apply tools, reading, and expanding my education, and cognition with self directive tools, in order to assist and support myself, in seeing how I relate myself to other people, within my condition of schizophrenia.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become scared, and activate the personality of anger, to where I see that I am schizophrenic, that I have lived this way, and that I have lived out personalities that created consequences, and have not taken self responsibility for these experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that I must learn how to best support myself, without allowing fear to take over me, and to build a support system around me, to where I can support myself in becoming more effective when dealing with my personality possessions. Within this, I see and realize that I must prevent possessions, through taking things slow, through listening to desteni material, to read books, to talk to my family, and to not be afraid that I'm going to hurt other people around me, because I am in a position of being schizophrenic, so therefor I must accept myself as life within equal to others, and embrace myself with schizophrenia, and learn to deal with it.

Within this, I commit myself to walk this process, within the support of my family, destonians, my professional support, and to see that I can walk this process as long as I understand who I am within my process, which is a schizophrenic, and to not victimize myself, but to rather embrace myself, and to learn strength , and to learn who I am in relationship to other people as personalities, and as the experience of being schizophrenic.

Within this, I commit myself to stand in this process, and to walk this process by directing myself within practical application - scheduling my activities, breathing, writing in my journal, and learning who I am within my schizophrenia/personalities, and learning how I experience myself within personalities, and personality possessions.

I commit myself to thus make a schedule for today, on what I'm going to do - write self forgiveness on my fear and reactions from seeing I am schizophrenic in my journal, then to clean my house, etc.




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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 20 Nov 2015, 01:06

Day 2 - inner conflict within thinking something is wrong with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience conflict within myself, within the idea that "something's wrong with me".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that something is wrong with me, when around K, out of the relationship I have always experienced myself with K, within the idea that I'm somehow expressing myself incorrectly. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience this, because of how I perceive her as doing something wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor have initially judged K within my idea of her doing something "wrong, bad, inappropriate", and thus within this experience of inner conflict within myself towards her, I want to protect myself within the idea that "something's wrong with me".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her as her doing something "wrong, bad, inappropriate", due to the past relationship of having been in conflict with her, and to have created the idea within myself, that there's something wrong with me, simply due to the fact that I have an understanding that I experience conflict within myself towards her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor experience conflict towards her when I hear her express herself in a way of being "mean". Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to thus see her expressing herself in what I've always percieved as "mean", and then trying to protect myself within the idea that "I'm better than her, she's mean and I'm nice"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor lose myself within this projection, within trying to protect myself under the definition of "nice".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor fear being around K, because I see that I have this lie within myself on how I've related myself to K, to where I see that I am trying to protect myself as "nice", within the relationship to her being "mean".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think K is "mean" when I see her expressing aggression. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aggression as "mean, wrong, inappropriate" within the experience of this being negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus defend myself as "nice" in order to defend the experience I get when I see K expressing aggression, as a way of feeling better about myself when around her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor place all of my focus on K, as being aggressive, and thus having the expectation that she is going to continue being aggressive. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to try and control how K is expressing herself, out of the fear of her being aggressive. Within this, I forgive myself for no accepting and allowing myself, to see and realize that I am in fact trying to only control how she expresses herself, because I fear within myself that I will react In aggression towards her, and so seeing this, I think something is wrong with me, because I have used self sabotage within my expression towards her, in order to prevent conflict with her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within all of this, by going in the back of my mind, to try and protect all of the ideas of myself, and all of my mind relationships, within the understanding that my relationship to these things, have been created within in relationship towards K, which thus seeing that there's inner conflict within myself already, that I have gone into the pattern of protecting these relationships, because I have always tried to protect the idea of myself within relationship to K, and seeing that it becomes more obvious when I see her expressing herself in a specific way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor become paranoid of what I'm doing, or if something bad is going to happen, while around K.

When and as I see myself within the idea and experience of "something is wrong with me", I stop, and breath, and I redirect myself within seeing that I am practically here, doing what I have to do, and then from this point, direct myself through the point of self responsibility, and find that moment to investigate what I think is wrong within myself.

When and as I see myself going through the experience that I'm doing something wrong around K, I stop, I breath, and I track back to the point where I had percieved her as doing something wrong.

I see and realize that when I think something is wrong with me, it is simply me trying to protect myself in relationship to K as the point of wanting to be better than her, within the context of doing something "right".

Will continue in part 2.




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