Walking with schizophrenia - 7 year journey to life
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Day 10 - protecting my pride as a male, vs. women and males/my partner
So today is going to be quite an early blog, since I have had broken sleep, and decided to spend this early cold morning opening up a point that has been making itself quite known to me ever since something I experienced last night, and which lead to now.
So I was visiting with my partner, and her friend. We were having a nice time, laughs, everyone was having fun. We were waiting on my partners step brother to show up, so in the meantime we just were hangin out. So quite short and simple, my partners step brother and step father showed up. The first individual I saw was her step father, which would like to say, that it already have a "comfortable" relationship with her step father, so I said "hey what's up", and it was cool. So I was glad to see my partners step father, and step brother show up, and so I went to greet thes yep brother. It was interesting, because as soon as I had went face to face with him, it was welcoming like meeting someone should be, but then I got this change I knew manifested in my facial expression, and I knew the step brother probably caught onto it. Well, this change was due to intimidation.
So why was I intimidated, well, it's because I had judged this idea of this person within the protective point of my own pride, in relationship to being with my partner. See this is important, because I've had this pattern, when meeting family members who are males (which females too, but it has a different effect), I get intimidated, based on the age of the male, which I've seen here, that if he looks young, and in my perseption "dominate", I immediatly get this feeling and experience of fear, and intimidation, you know fear of my pride as a partner being taken away, from another male that I look to as in some form or shape dominate, whether the male has been seen as supportive, or have characteristics that I aspire to have, and thus within this, seeing that I've felt very incompetent as a person to my partner.
So continuing on, everything was fine, we talked, got to know eachother, but for the reason of feeling incompetent, I had felt very jealous of this male, and when I saw him hug and get along with my partner, lol, which I mean considering the fact that he's her fucking step brother, I was like getting this sense that "he's taking her away from me" which meaning that in my mind, he's very confident, has these characteristics, and my partner is getting along with him, which I'm comparing myself to this individual male, as him being better than me, and within this I saw that my partner could "have better" than me, a male who has more vibrant expression than myself, which yes, there's obviously allot of males who have more confidence, better vocabulary, better educated, better processed expression than myself, and so within this, I judged myself as incompetent, and within this, felt angry with myself, because my pride as "competent for my partner" was being shot down, and I had clearly seen this in the fore front of my experience towards my partner, and her step brother getting along.
So bringing is specific situation up, is not to necessarily looks to this specific situation, because this experience is much bigger and this relationship with my partner and her step brother, shows something that I've been keepi exclusively in my own mind for quite some time in relationship to women, which my partner being the focus because my partners a woman. The point is, is that I have always thought, that I have had to prove competence to women, either through attraction, intelligence, confidence, or any other form of expression, and what I've seen, is that when I learnt about what my partner had told me she was attracted to, I had immediatly felt incompetent, because lol, I have already set myself for failure by placing judgements within myself as negative, in relationship to women. I mean, my whole life I've had a struggle with communicating with women, I've had these preconceived ideas that I needed to therefor impress women.
So the vital point to expose here, is why do I feel the need to protect my partner from other males, why do I find it necessary, and accept and allow myself to become jealous of young, "attractive" males that my partner gets along with?
Before stating self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, I see that, within facing this, that this is something that I've been fearful of to discuss with my partner. So today, I'm finally going to open this point up to her, but within principles of not self sabotaging the point, which is usually why I've been afraid to open it up, and so within this commitment to talking to my partner about this point, I'm going to lay out a better understanding of how I can communicate this point with my partner, which will also be laid out in this blog.
Self forgiveness statements:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to feel incompetent to women, and therefor try and promote my "competence" through wanting to be lovey dovey, touchy, and put on a show of "confidence" when around women, specifically my partner. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this, within the understanding that there are males who practically have different characteristics than myself, that I see as "better than me" and therefor within being "confident" around my partner, I'm actually playing confidence, in the hopes that she will accept me for who I am, and then within this, seeing that when that confidence is exposed within myself as fake, or maybe not fake, but simply when a point comes up that I feel insecure about, that influences my confidence, I immediatly go into being quiet with her, or not being as open, and also I see that I will usually resort to wanting to touch her more, like hug, hold her hand, kiss her, etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus feel angry at myself, and have this anger because I feel incompetent, and I know I've accepted and allowed my self expression to be the result of the potential that I've hidden away within myself, behind this idea that I'm incompetent.within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to therefor compare myself to women, and to my partner as incompetent, to where I want to beat her within my perception of "attractiveness" "intellect", "good person". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to have defined myself as these things, and then when faced with seeing that my partner expresses herself, or has relationships with people that I see I've mostly been afraid of having, I then get angry and have conflict towards her, due to being angry within myself, as "feeling incompetent".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to want to protect my partner, from males who I see as "better than me", because I understand within myself, that I've created this comparison point towards women, and males, to the point where I want to OWN my partner, as wanting to keep her enslaved and limited in her expression, because I have felt too incompetent with myself as a living expression. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused my partner in the past, through arguments, through manipulation, through being outrageous, because I have had this main point of feeling incompetent in relationship to my partner, and to other males that I see have more expressive characteristics.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel in ompetent towards my partner, because I've always limited myself from being in this idea that I'm "worse than, better than" my partner, and women or males, that I have instead of seeing the potential I have, within seeing how cool it is that others including my partner are able to express themselves through confidence and the ability to express skills that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully express myself within and as, that I rather go into conflict, and separation, and isolation from males and women, and my partner. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an attachment to my partner, within the idea of "love", because I have related love, to wanting to depend on someone emotionally, to suppress myself from facing myself, within what I've accepted and allowed within myself, and therefor seeing that within me having done this, I have validated incompetence of being able to express myself within my own skin, without having to emotionally depend on my partner, through touch, through manipulation, and within this, I see that I have therefor abused my partner, through arguments, through manipulation, and through wanting to limit herself from expressing herself as life, as the living expression that she is capable of expressing, but something that I've wanted to keep limited, because I have accepted and allowed myself to project my emotions through her, and therefor created a false relationship within myself in relationship to my partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for this, instead of working with this point as what it is, and what has already been. Within this, I see that this is a point that will take time to unfold, and recreate, and that I must embrace it, and change it, and understand that now I can discuss this with my partner, and continue investigating the point within myself, in order to stop the manipulation, to stop the set up for conflict and arguments, and to stop the accepted and allowed limitations within myself, and thus within the manifestation that is current within my relationship with my partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear, and go into panic mode, when I see that this has all been a facade, that I can no longer abuse my partner in the old ways I've accepted and allowed, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to instead of giving up the ego, which in this case, my comparison of competence, I rather go into isolation, or go into the old patterns with my partner, such as touching her out of suppression, within this "your mine" intent, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the fear of protecting her from other males, or protecting my own feeling of competence, through touching her, or laying down with her, or hugging her, or talking sweet to her, or looking at her in a "help me" state.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto these experiences in my mind, and hold onto my partner in my mind, to such an extent, that it's created inner turmoil within myself, because I have created this such dependent point of living myself through her, to where I have validated this feeling of incompetence, and therefor within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how abusive this is, how abusive it is to have these warm feelings of emotions towards her, because in the end, I am willing to abuse her, JUST for the sake of having this security within myself, as "competent enough".
When and as I see myself around my partner, and get these experiences of conflict, within initially feeling incompetent, and therefor comparing myself to her, and the males I see having different characteristics, expressions, physical attributes, I stop, I breath, and I understand, that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value towards my partner, as this relationship of being in comparison, and that now, I see and realize that this must change, within starting to learn how I can express myself unconditionally by myself, and when around my partner, women, and other males, and thus within this, get to learn how others are capable of expressing themselves, including my partner, and thus seeing how human expression operates, how high of a level of expression my partner, and the males and women aroun her express themselves, and instea of comparing, learning from them, and also working with them within my expression, and expanding my understanding of my shit, and the shit I've limited myself within, and to start investigating an reflecting, where I can become more capable of my self expression
I commit myself to therefor start exposing the separation I've created from my partner in detail, through self investigation, and communicating with her, about where I can change my expression, into what's best for the agreement, and to where I am no longer using manipulation, saying things to feel better about myself and to put my partner down, and to rather learn what it means to pick up from my partners expression, and see where I can apply that to myself, and also even support her in living expression.
Laying out how I will communicate this with my partner:
I commit myself to sit down with my partner, and to open this point up to her, within the starting point of learning about her, and within this learning about myself in my limitations as self expression, and to then come to a better understanding of eachother, which with open up solutions to our communication, which will open up more points to investigate within myself.