Bernard's death has been on my mind, the fact that he died on my birthday and that I was up till 5am that morning haunts me. My self interest says I am special, that he lives through me more so then others. I know this is not true, I know my mind is attempting to trap me in a belief, a foolish one.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that Bernard lives through me, and that I am special because Bernard was indeed special and had a huge impact on me and so many others.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that Bernard is any different then the rest of life. He was equal and emphasized that to me repeatedly although he stood for something that seemingly no one or few are willing to stand for. to life Bernard was special. Now its up to me to pick up the tools and get to work.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be angry with Bernard for dying, not being able to hear his words bothers me. I know that when I forgive myself and apply the tools he has shown me, I am in fact hearing Bernard and living what he would want me/all of us to live.
I cryed when I found out he died, because I wanted to meet Bernard, meet the man that is responsible for laying the words of forgiveness upon my ears. for opening my eyes and confirming to me that which we as a whole have become. yet helping me to establish a way out. a fix to the problem. Bernard did that, not me, I couldn't, I was lost, I was deceiving myself within belief constructs such as god and love and positivity.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to wait so long to begin my process, to actually take the steps to change, I wish I could have done it when he was alive, I mean, I lied to myself and desteni when he was alive, I wanted to be accepted by what I knew was truth and was willing to lie to do so.
The clarity is very real, and living within breathe and not my thoughts has become so much easier now that I do not smoke weed, although, my thoughts still exist within self interest I recognize them and stop them and will stop them.