forgiving myself

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Luc St-Amand
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Joined: 13 Nov 2012, 16:54

Re: forgiving myself

Postby Luc St-Amand » 04 Mar 2015, 14:27

This morning i woke up unusualy hunary. I decided to make somthing quick - boiled eggs, 5 to be exact. Now once i finished, i asked myself, "how long does it take for a hen to lay 5 eggs?" I thought about how long it took me to consume them, which was around 15 minutes. Does a hen lay 5 eggs in 15 minutes? Most likely not. So, according to society one must consume, consume, consume. And yes, our physical bodies need to consume inorder to sustian itself, but i established that 5 eggs is not in harmony with the hen that had to lay them for me. So accordingly i applied verbal self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to consume more eggs then a hen can lay.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to not be in harmony with the hen that laid those eggs.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting societal norms as my norms

I forgive myself for allowng and accepting myself to consume more eggs then what my body needs

Sure our earth provides, and if a hen can not lay 5 eggs in 15 minutes then my action were abuse in nature.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse a chicken hen

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to support the chicken hen.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepti g myself to consider this point of over consumptiom earlier.

I commit myself to for now on only comsume what my physical body needs in harmony with the earth, animals, and plant.

So i considerd how much beacon can a single pig produce? I really dont know that answer but as a single individual i need to investigate and research accordingly to ensure that I dont over consume.

When I eat more eggs then a single hen can lay, i allow and accept farmers to breed more chicken for a greedy reason. I apply myself accordingly

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to breed more hens inorder to fullfil my over consumption

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse the hens breeding process by forceing them to breed faster inorder to fulfil my over consumption

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the abuse of hens to continue through my participation.

Now by doing that, i asked myself, "how many people are starving in the world?" Alot! So, by over consuming I am infact directly responsible for there suffering, accordingly I apply myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take food from the starving inorder to fulfil my over consumption

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting starvation to exist.

I forgive myself for allowing amd accepting myself to bring more harm to the suffering through my over consumption

I forgive myself for not allowng and accepting myself.to consider this point earlier

I forgive myself for allowing and acccepting myaelf to abuse the starving to abuse life.

I commit myself from now on to consider in all ways the things i consume and the earths ability to produce that which i comsume and to accorsing balance myself in harmony with it.



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Luc St-Amand
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Joined: 13 Nov 2012, 16:54

Re: forgiving myself

Postby Luc St-Amand » 05 Mar 2015, 03:40

I have realized somthing profound in my own process, and that is, everyones process is stricly their own. What i mean is, reading over self forgiveness stands that other destonian have posted, i realize that I can not relate once so ever. For instance: being parented. I myself did not have parents in my life. Ill explain further. Normally when a child comes home from school, they are greeted by their parents, asked how their day was, sit around the dinner table and eat together. I did not have this once so ever. When i came home, either my mom went out with friends or she was sleeping, or busy doing her own thing. Never really concerned with my welfare unless ofcourse the school called because i had done somthing i shouldent have.

I realize that I am blessed to have lived an uncomplicated life, because my understanding of things is still very simple in nature uncomplicated by adult bs that most children are faced with in there upbringing.

I remember after school i grab whatever there was to eat from the fridge amd if there wasnt anything to eat I would go to the grocery store and ask people if i could help with there groceries in exchange for the quarter that is used to release the shopping cart. I made good money some times, like 3-4 dollars and me and my friend jason would go by hotdogs or pizza.

When i was a pothead i got angery when thinking about my past as a child. Not anymore, i realize how blessed i was to not have much adult influence in life. Instead left with more room to experiance myself and grow as i saw fit.

Of course from 16 onward my life became weed weed weed, day in and day out. If i had 10$ i spent it on weed as appose to food or somthing i needed. Obvioulsy a lack in priority, but i realize i wouldent change a single thing.

I was diffrent, my mom didnt make me a lunch, so watching other kids eat their lunch made me think somthing was wrong with me, wromg with my family.

I would get angery at my mom when i came home from school and all she would do is sleep on the couch. I didnt see my dad till i was 11-12. When he did start coming around, he just gave me things, he never spoke to me about my experiances, and if i asked too mant questions i was quickly shunned as being annoying.

See all of this would have really gottin to me as a pot head but nononono, i see it for what it is, simply a blessing, because i had to do everything myself! I learned to tie my lace by watching adults, not askong them. I learned to feed myself when i was hungery, not depending on my mother to feed me, cause well, she never did.

One thing that has just come up with in me is going to the corner street after school with my friend jason to watch these gangster sell stuff to people. I rememeber once this guy said to another guy, "fuck your mom" the guy reacted by pulling out a gun and shooting the guy multiple times in the stomach. I remember the guy screaming out to her mother before passing away.

I kmow this all may sound harsh to other people process, but that is why i am sharing this is to show that everyones process is sooooo severely diffrent, it would not be fair to assume that one knows that right way to walk this process amd totally unfair to try and make somone feel as though they can not make process.

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angery for my mother lack of mothering me as a youngster

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angery with my father for not fathering me as a youngster

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my peers for having parents in their life that actually parented their children.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting a belief that somthing was missing from myself that was suppose to be installed by my parents. The only thing actually missing was just more mind systems and i am grateful to my mother and father for their lack of parenting.

I commit myself to grow within the understanding that i am my own god, and that i choose to either create or distroy in my life, and that the only creation that is valid is that which is best for all life, and that it is within my power to distroy the systems and programs that allow the abuse to continue in this world. It is all up to me.



Marlen
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Re: forgiving myself

Postby Marlen » 05 Mar 2015, 18:29

Hi Luc

It's an interesting perspective you share here in terms of not being 'parented' as such and how you had to find your own way in life. It is supportive as well to consider how to not turn one point that used to be negatively perceived by you - such as judging your parents and the lack of parenting you had upon you - and turning it into a positive thing or a blessing, which then becomes a 'good experience' about it or a way to not actually investigate how you could have in fact benefited from a form of parenting that is supportive.

Sure, in this, if we look at what would be best for all, it is certainly not to remove parents from all children and have them 'do as they will.' The whole redefinition of parenting is a walking process and I suggest also reading Leila's blog on the subject, because it is so that we do acquire a lot of patterns and behaviors that are not supportive in relation to our relationship with parents - yet, if we turn parenting into a supportive relationship to ensure that a person is well equipped to live life and become a principled living individual, then parenting ceases to be a detrimental experience as it has been for many people. So here I simply point out to watch out for going into the opposite experience, and to rather look at how parenting could be redefined/changed to be a supportive relationship from progenitors to their offspring in a self-responsible and principled manner. All in all, cool that you are able to to have a different perspective on 'being parented' as many others might be able to relate to your story, so, If you can share more on that and how you are supporting yourself to overcome past grudges toward parents, that'd would be cool as well.

Thanks for sharing.



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Anna
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Re: forgiving myself

Postby Anna » 05 Mar 2015, 21:01

Hi Luc. An additional point to add in relation to the following:
"Normally when a child comes home from school, they are greeted by their parents, asked how their day was, sit around the dinner table and eat together.
I am quite sure that this is not the 'normal' scenario of a family, if normal is defined by the 'avarage' family. - it is however how families are presented in movies and advertisements. So that is a point you can consider in terms of understanding where such ideas about for example what a 'normal' family is, comes from, when in fact reality might look completely different. I remember as a child, how I would often wish to live in a 'normal' family where I'd look through their windows or visit friends and dream about how my life would be if I only had a 'normal family'. It even got to the point where I came obsessed with a family-related sitcom where I could imagine that I was part of their family. At the same time, like you I've also realized that there are advantages to having been brought up in a scenario that does not depict the traditional fantasy of a nuclear family. So it's all a matter of perspective, depends from where, as who and how you look.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: forgiving myself

Postby Luc St-Amand » 06 Mar 2015, 03:13

Thanks for sharing your prespective girls. I understand what you mean marlen, and you right, I was infact turning what I previously precieved as negative into a positive and that that is not actualy effective in understanding myself within the family construct.

Anna, I understand that familys in reality can not have a medium that one can label as "normal" because of the vast amount of vairents that exist within diffrent familys. Instead I was speaking from my desire as a child to have that communcation with my mother. Maybe it is not normal but i believed as a youngster that it should be. That when i came home from not seeing my mom all day that she would be interested in my day and how it went. Although many children do not have that from their parents and it is a sad reality that children do not have effective communication with their parents or parents that can effectively feed their children but by all means it should be a norm within all families as it will help the child develope trust with their parents, plus it shows that the parent takes interest in their child and their future.

I remember once this lady gave me $10 for helping her load her groceries and i was so excited i brought it to my mom so that we could all eat somthing together. It wasnt a norm in my family but i certianly wanted it to be.



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Luc St-Amand
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Joined: 13 Nov 2012, 16:54

Re: forgiving myself

Postby Luc St-Amand » 06 Mar 2015, 03:23

I had a long day at work today and i will write more on this point expanding also on the points you both provided. I just gotta get some rest, im soo exhausted. Thanks again girls, night night



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Luc St-Amand
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Joined: 13 Nov 2012, 16:54

Re: forgiving myself

Postby Luc St-Amand » 06 Mar 2015, 14:13

Marlen amazing support undeniably relivent to what i wrote previously. Thank you for providing such an insight as i was infact turning negatibe into positive. I will expand on the points you have provided.

So undoubtly i precieved my childhood as a negative, in regards to my upbringing by my parents. I remember times at school where i would purposely create a situation that would earn a call to my mom, I remember spicificly when she arrived at my school how good it felt to see her, and when she asked my questions, i felt a lot better. So i offten created the situation purposely for the effect.

I had a teacher named miss black, she was pretty and i was attracted to her. She took a likeing or interest in me because during lunch hour she would somtimes bring me to her car and speak to me about stuff, anything i wanted to talk about. I remember she brought me to micdonalds a lot too, and i remember her saying to keep it a secret and i did, because i did not want to lose what we shared.

Anyways back on track here. Being here in this moment i see that i turned it into a positive through adopting a belief that my life was less complicated by parental quidance. Maybe this is true to some extent because my mom was not affective within bringing me up as a responsible affective human being that can lead an effective life of self support. So i was indeed angery with my mother and my father for not being able to work out their diffrence and put aaide their selfishness, at least to listen and hear what I had to say somtimes.

Ok so i turned the negative into a positive which is infact a negative. If i utilize a stable position of what is really going on within me, well im finding myself, i have never been so clear in my stand for self amd life, so this is all so new to me and i appreciate the support shown to me and will apply myself as i am told if required because as is i can not do it by myself and the support is sooo apprciated, thanks again everyone.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to turn what i previously defined as negative upbringing into a positive.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate within bi polar behaviours instead of remaining stable and clear within directing myself here as breath to find the answerers that lie within which must be besr for all and not defined by limitation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react in a negative way to what i presume would be a complication by turning into a positive.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to grow within stability finding only solutions to what i believe a parent should be to their child

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame my mother for not providing the tools required to become an effective human being in this world.

I KNOW who I am within this struggle to self and I KNOW the stand of desteni is the finish line. I made it! Now i am to take it easy and breathe through any and all reactions knowing i am here, and am here within what is best and it will take time to blossum but i will remain patient with myself as this growth we will have have to face one day.

I commit myself to not turn any experiance into a positive or negative amd instead realize what i had soo long ago, that the most effect stand i can make it here within this breath, not just observing the internal movements but manifesting them to the group that i am proud to be apart of.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to manifest myself in self honesty to myself and the desteni group.

I commit myself to realize that we took a stand again bi polar reaction in life to instead adopt a commen sense starting point within every single human expeiance and i commit myself to apply this common sense with in ALL of my own experiances.

Im 10 days old today :) (pats himself on the back)




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