Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Marlen
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by Marlen »

A point to always look at is how we desire and judge and create any mind objection towards that which we would want to be/become ourselves.

Cool support on 'power' is given in The Design of Power which opens up the real can of worms that is existent as ourselves. Always taking the point back to self as this is about us not about others. The moment we start living this for and as ourselves absolutely, there is no struggle as this is the usual mind-confrontation coming from our participation as judgments and projections on to anything/ anyone outside of ourselves, which is the first point of separation that must be stopped.

So, look at the patterns not the people - they are 'all you' as what you allow yourself to judge and create as an idea in the mind. That's 'our' problem and that's what we have and must take self responsibility for.
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hilda rac
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by hilda rac »

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not being able to live comfortably in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to live comfortably in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the future in terms of having to struggle for money to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having to struggle for money to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards my parents for not teaching me how the money system operates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards my parents for not preparing me/telling me that I will have to become a slave of the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a slave of the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am a slave of the system, instead of realising that I am in fact building it up within myself. I am the creator of the system in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of loosing the comfort and safety of family taking care of me, instead of realising that I am self-responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke pot with the intention of eating, within that deliberately harming myself, knowingly, for the sake of feeling good for tasting the food, although my body does not need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body's signal of "I am full" in order to continue making myself "feel good" with food.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body's signal of "I am hungry" in order to loose weight.

I have a feeling that I must eat the food now, or it will be gone, because I used to be disappointed whenever my family would eat all of something, and they wouldn't leave anything for me. It would mean that I wasn't loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like there will be no food left for me, if I don't eat as much of it as I can now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to eat as much as possible outside of home, because at home I couldn't eat freely because I would get scolded.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide when I am eating so that people/my mother wouldn't see how much I eat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my mother being angry at me, if she sees me eat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must hide when I am eating, so that other people wouldn't ridicule me for eating although I am fat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people judge fat people for eating, because they think that fat people eat too much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for eating although I am fat, and therefore should not be eating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should not be eating, because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my family didn't love me whenever they'd eat all the food.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to feel loved by my family, instead of realizing that I am only afraid of them not wanting to take care of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be sure that my family will take care of me in the future by them showing me "love", instead of realizing that by doing so I am abdicating my self-responsibility.

Them forgetting my birthday would mean that I am not loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if someone forgets one's birthday, they do not love them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that whenever I didn't get something that costs money, I am not loved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with feeling sorry for myself, so that other people would feel sorry for me too, and do/behave as I want them to behave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that other people should do/behave the way I want them to behave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define myself as a "poor creature".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into crying so that other people would feel sorry for me and want to take care of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make other people take care of me instead of me taking care of me.

I would be looking forward to them forgetting my birthday, so that I could manipulate them into feeling bad and cleaning up their act in order to better take care of me so I would not have to feel scared all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for manipulating myself and other people with feeling sorry for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as manipulation of myself and others by feeling sorry for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed of wanting to emotionally manipulate people in order to get them to do what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to manipulate my parents into cleaning up their act.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for my parents to clean up their act, so I would not have to be scared all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to not have to be scared all the time, within that separating myself from myself and not having power over me, but allowing fear to control me and direct me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of fear itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being afraid in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried that I will be afraid in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put up an act of "I am scared of nothing", when in fact I was scared of everything.

Why do I put up an act? Because if other people see my fear, I will be punished for it. People will laugh at me. They will think that I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people laughing at me if I show weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people thinking that I am weak.

All my friends were bragging about how great their lives are, and I felt envious, because my life was full of fear and anguish, so in school I wanted to belong and be as cool as them, and I pretended that everything is perfectly ok with my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put up a though face so that my friends would think that everything is ok at home, and would perceive me as an equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for my friends to perceive me as an equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy my friends the things their parents bought for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy and be jealous of friends who came from families with a lot of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about what I would do, if I had a lot of money, instead of realizing that I am feeding a completely separate world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire for other people to see the world the way I see it, instead of realizing that by doing so I am manifesting superiority and arrogance within myself and them.
Marlen
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by Marlen »

Hi Hilda

Thanks for sharing that. You might remember the point of 'creating our biggest fears' and how it all works within realizing we are our own creators. That which we fear, we become if we don't stop existing in such constant fear which is but a mindset in which we're framing ourselves and our reality - this is in relation to the point of eating and fear of getting fat and all the outflows within this. If we keep this point as such extensive fear, we inevitably become it because we simply exist as that relationship formed around ourselves and food using it for other means other than simply nurturing ourselves.

Ann made a cool video on this point in how it's about the relationship formed with food and how we use it/ abuse it for the sake of full-filling any other point of lack within ourselves which is and can only exist at a mental level. So, suggestion is because this point has emerged and come through before, to simply stop participating in any thoughts in relation to this point of self-image and food relationship. The moment we stop fearing gaining weight or existing in a continuous desire to be a certain way - which in the end is for the purposes of relationship/ sex etc - we start embracing and accepting ourselves and thus simply supporting us with food as what we require, not exceeding not eating less than required - it's all about really caring for ourselves as our body instead of making of our body some type of sack that must be a certain way to fit our mental idea of ourselves.

I made a blog once about this point of self-acceptance but it is really though the video of Embracing Self that all of that was also shared through images and what Bernard says, to start caring and embracing ourselves and stop any point of self abuse. Existing in such constant judgment and idealization of ourselves is self abuse and we disregard the actual physicality that we are when we try to fit ourselves into some type of category according to how we believe we 'must look like' and be like. So, we stop because it's really not necessary to continue flagellating ourselves on a daily basis in these ups and downs around self image.

We rather instead simply focus on supporting our physical body with the required elements to continue living, to nurture ourselves in determined times and stick to that program - same as eating food that is supportive and not just for the sake of filling up some type of dissatisfaction within ourselves. I tend to eat more when I see there's more than the usual stuff I buy for myself so that's a point for me to look out for - yet it is not to condemn myself for it and now create guilt around it. Best is to be aware of everything we're eating at all times and really ask if we do require eating or not. Cutting ties with the idea formed around food and self image can simplify the point to realize that food is what we require to keep living and self-image is but a cookie-cutter idea of what society has brainwashed us to believe we must look like - not real and all made out because of money.

So, if you do see the common sense within equality as life and stopping anything that has to do with the current system of abuse, you can see that this type of phenomena going on within ourselves must stop as well, to stop the consumerist side and instead focus on simply living.

Thanks for sharing and share if there's some other point that might not be clear etc. Self Acceptance is what I could see this entire point boils down to, so time to embrace ourselves.
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Anna
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by Anna »

Yes - I second that! As Bernard said in that video, that only when I start accepting myself, with all the fuckedness can I start walking the process of standing up in self-responsibility and correcting myself. I have realized that one of my biggest mistakes was not to allow myself to make mistakes - I saw mistakes from a starting-point of morality, instead of simply supporting myself unconditionally when I did make a mistake on how to change and correct myself. So I suggest to work with the point - in your daily living application - of not accepting yourself to argue for your limitations - embrace yourself - lol - brace-yourself sounds like; "be patient" and give yourself a hug.
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hilda rac
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by hilda rac »

Thanks for the support, guys. Is this video transcribed perhaps? Bernard's words are the hardest of them to understand, and when there's music over it, it gives a slavic person an excuse to say no comprende.
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hilda rac
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by hilda rac »

In the shop a woman told her 6yr old son that he is a fool. I turned to her and said that if she keeps telling him that, he'll start believing in it. She told me to mind my own business. Energies overcame me, because I felt ashamed in front of a bunch of other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being humiliated in front of a lot of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being overpowered by someone in front of a lot of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being judged by other people if I stand up for something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of standing up to parents for abusing their children, because they are their parents and I am not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have revenge over my parents for neglecting and abusing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my parents are neglecting and abusing me, when in fact I was neglecting and abusing myself with fear, there wasn't nearly as much abuse going on as there was fear of abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my parents neglecting and abusing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avenge all children who were abused, including myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as a protector of children/life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at parents I meet for being abusive towards their children instead of realizing that they do not know better, and I have to present better neutrally, and my anger is actually anger at my parents for overpowering me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overpowered and humiliated by my parents whenever I had to do something I didn't want to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overpowered and humiliated by my parents whenever they called me names.
I lashed out at this woman, trying to teach her how to talk to a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to teach parents how to be parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I would make a much better parent than other parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the fact that I will not be a parent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be a parent and direct a child instead of taking it as teaching a child how to direct itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to humiliate parents for abusing and neglecting their children.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of messing with the authority of parents over their children. The parents might be angry with me for doing that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of how parents will respond if I stand up to their unconscious abuse.
Unconscious, because they don't know. I keep forgetting this.
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barbara
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by barbara »

hilda rac wrote:Thanks for the support, guys. Is this video transcribed perhaps? Bernard's words are the hardest of them to understand, and when there's music over it, it gives a slavic person an excuse to say no comprende.
Yes, this is great support: Embracing Self!

I transcribed it for you Hilda:

"Before I could fix myself, sort myself out, heal myself, complete myself, fulfill myself, I had to first embrace me as who I was at that stage, what I did in bed was, I went to bed holding me, now in my own arms holding me sleeping like that, accepting me, accepting what I had become, accepting me completely. And then I started the process of forgiveness, of self-forgiveness, forgiving me step by step and then taking a stand what I will accept and what I will not accept about me and in that I started my process of re-creation, so that I can be free from everything that I have accepted from my limitation and the judgment I have about others and about me, so that I can take a stand what is relevant as life in all ways. So I suggest take in a foetus position and hold yourself and start with being born into this world again with all its mistakes and fuck-ups, accept it, become responsible for everything that’s here and then you can change it – that’s the key to change: responsibility. I take responsibility for everything that’s here realizing only then can I change it, because I’m then changing me. And that’s in the inner and the outer - you cannot just change yourself in the inner and expect the outer will change automatically. It has to be with your actual participation in everything that is in this reality. Have fun – it is quite a journey!"
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hilda rac
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by hilda rac »

Thank you Barbara, much obliged. I was asking, because I wanted to send it to a friend :)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that men make better friends than women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that men are more honest than women.

I've been hanging with men, because I was interested in male things, but I only later started defining men as more honest and better friends. I hanged with female friends in the beginning. Only later when I hit puberty I became friends with men, and I did it because I wanted to be seen as sexually attractive by them, but I lacked the looks, or so I thought, so I compensated with my smartness, and one needs time to show smartness, so I was hanging with guys in order to make them sexually attracted to me, and called it friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that men make better friends, because I needed time to seduce them with my smartness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to seduce men with my smartness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I lack the looks to be able to seduce men with looks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must make myself look smart in order to be able to seduce men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able and have the capacity in terms of looks to seduce men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by dubbing men friends, when all I want is to fuck them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the desire to have sex with men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in order to cover up the fact that I desire to have sex with men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my desire to have sex with men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am undeserving of having sex with men, because I am fat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad and angry because I perceived that I am undeserving of having sex with men due to being fat.

Girls

I feel awkward around my female companions in the flat, because I perceived that men are better friends than females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward around women, because I perceive that they hate me and see me as competition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define all other women as competition for male affection and attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with other women for male affection and attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate other women for being prettier than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic game of competing and hating women, instead of acknowledging them as equal human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be validated in front of my classroom, schoolmates and teachers.
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Anna
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by Anna »

Cool Hilda. Thanks for sharing.
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hilda rac
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Re: Hilda's Self-forgiveness

Post by hilda rac »

I want to conquer men.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive men as something to be conquered.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/wish/need/desire to be able to conquer any man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to conquer a man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that men are something to be conquered.
This guy is showing a lot of superiority because he's a handsome man, and I want to beat that. It's like: "You had that simply given to you, and you dare be superior about something that you didn't have to move a muscle for?"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to handsome men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to seduce handsome men and make myself equal to them, give myself value with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to raise my perceived value in the eyes of others by being with handsome men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brag about having been with handsome men in order to raise my perceived value in the eyes of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to brag about having been with handsome men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to make myself superior over handsome men with looks/being pretty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to overpower and outsmart handsome men in order to make myself feel superior and more than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of handsome men, because they were given their handsomeness and didn't have to do anything about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for ugly men, because I thought that they have difficulties getting sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that ugly men have bigger problems with finding sex than handsome men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of pretty women, because they were given their prettiness and didn't have to do anything about it.

Thin girls don't have to do anything to look like that. That makes me jealous, it's unfair, it makes me angry, sad, resentful towards my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of girls who don't have to do anything to be thin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of girls for not having to watch what they eat in order to be thin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that thin waists are beautiful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to have a thin waist in order to be beautiful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed, sad and angry with myself for not having a thin waist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed, sad and angry with myself every time I eat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that men prefer women with thin waists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that men will like me better if my waist is thin and if I am thin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suck in my stomach all the time in order to make my waist look smaller and thinner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must suck in my waist in order to be liked by other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suck in my waist to that other people would like me better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of girls with thin waists.

Mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother for not showing any interest in me beyond her own self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother should be taking interest in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resentful towards my mother for not buying me clothes when I was little, thus teaching me how to buy clothes for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my mother must teach me how to shop for clothes. I know how to shop for clothes, I just hate doing it, because I am fat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate shopping for clothes, because I am fat, and everything looks bad on me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that all clothes look bad on me because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that doing Process is going to save me from the consequences of my past actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that thongs are sexy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be thin to be able to wear a thong to seduce men with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want/need/desire to be able to seduce men with insinuations and hints with underwear peeping out from under my clothes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of women who are thin and are able to seduce men with their physical looks.
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