Nicks self forgiveness

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Nicklk1795
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Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 05 Oct 2013, 03:31

http://nicklk.blogspot.com/2013/10/expe ... nd-me.html

So I finally got to this point after reading a YouTube comment when I was chilling to music. It was a stevie ray vaughan video. I had stated that idololizing him just seems deminishing and I stated that anyone could play it if the played and practiced and applied the right tools. The response that got 12 likes - "Anyone can play this!?LOL you sir obviously do not play guitar . let alone the blues.....SRV was a blues legend son... and don't you ever forget it,,,, ask ya moma she will tell ya... dumb shit." So, within this I experience when I felt confused and this loneliness as a child within situations like this. Where the majority of people would say I'm invalid, and then I would feel left out. So, how does this relate to my workplace. Well, I pretty much was terrified to be attacked for something, what ever I felt was being exploited. I became very nervous and began to cry and now I am back home. So, the point I experience is, I fear expression. I will fear being self honest, because lots of others aren't doing it, others are saying its invalid, at the same time am focusing on a point of fearing being exploited as a badinage to females, and then being attacked by males. Then, when I realize that is pattern causes abusive intentions, I feel guilty, which when I get to extreme points like at work, it only feels more real. So, then, I make the excuse that I just want t give up, everyone is attacking me, they're telling me I'm wrong, they're telling me that I'm stupid, and then I feeli deserve to be uncomfortable with my expression, with living in general. This goes back to my father, big time. I have already layed out the points towards,y father, and of course this will relate to others around me, and I will react to these things as a belief system of who I am, that there is something wrong with me. The point that gets me scared, is actually facing this and not depending on these people, actually being alone scares me, because I can't get someone t verify to me what I'm doing fit or wrong, I actually have to push through these very fundamentally driven emotions, while not depending on others to tell me that its valid that I'm doing this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on a crowd to tell me that my expression is valid, that I am 'good to go' and 'ok' I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for exploiting myself under this fear pattern. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor have self blame, and fee guilty for expressing myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to give up for the feeling of confusion. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to cry to let the feeling of confusion out. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to run away frm the fear of walking through these confusing and emotional points. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to worry what others will think of me if I walk through the process of these points, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being attacked. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to rage as a way to let out anger of being 'fed up', like, just manifesting myself for what I've fed in my mind to supress the fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for what is best for all life in these moments, and only intend n suppressing the emotions. I forgive use of that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider the physical suffering that is happening in this world where children are actually dieing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I require taking self responsibility for these fears and emotions through what ever means to stop children from suffering. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider the fact that my very participation in this patterns, and postponement is only allowing the suffering to continue in this world. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not realize that applying self honesty in all directions is what will complete the effectiveness of self responsibility, instead trying to distract myself with entertainment, and thinking I won't face the consequences. I forgive,myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t thus not have pushed through the confusing points, and legit get to the point of instability and emotional intensity. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and breath when I'm writing, but instead try to please someone who would be watching me write. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self victimize myself when I find myself in a position of self exploitation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through this point, and pin point what I've accepted and allowed myself to fear others attacking me for.



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Maite
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Maite » 05 Oct 2013, 12:24

I suggest adding self-corrective statements, where you script for yourself the solution for when you find yourself in similar situations again.



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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 06 Oct 2013, 12:12

Thank you maite, this is a follow up. http://nicklk.blogspot.com/2013/10/obse ... ve-up.html



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Anna
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Anna » 06 Oct 2013, 14:14

Thank you maite, this is a follow up. http://nicklk.blogspot.com/2013/10/obse ... ve-up.html
Cool Nick. Suggest to copy/paste the text from your blogs along with the link here.



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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 10 Oct 2013, 13:35

http://nicklk.blogspot.com/2013/10/day- ... sical.html

So It seems after work, I have a pattern of making the excuse that I can 'do whatever I want'. So, I have on my weekly schedule of physical participation t check the Internet for no more than 30 minutes, which ve taken advantage of the Internet as a void tonight, and now I'm up facing the resistance at 6:00 in the morning. So in consequence ill be held back on the points that I found within my physical participation already. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not blog my points out, but instead take advantage of my time by looking up YouTube videos and compulsive fb use. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to try to drift off into fantasies and self interest after working, to tr to gain back the emotional attachment of self interest. I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to gointo this pattern of compulsive behavior and where I becme in a rush and start obsessing over certain things as the inconsistency and cognitive dissonance that I allow within creating voids and escapism. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body and to be me mentally unstable the more I go through this pattern of protecting self interest. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create self sabotage within falling, as if its too late, I'm a failure, only to kee my self trapped within this pattern. I forgive myself that've not accepted and allowed myself to currently breath, relax, understand that I had a fall, and simply now is the time to sleep, and continue my day and start with the schedule again tomorrow and figure out why I had fallen. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not follow my schedule tonight, but instead drift off into my mind energy patterns. Thus I'm commited to continue the schedule as is. I'm commited to find myself here in this moment, tired, and needing to sleep. I'm commited to slow myself down and continue breathing. Im commited to wake up at 2:30, drink some coffee, dust my house, play music, write out my ohysical participation within music, work, write my physical participation with working, come home. I'm commited to specifically use the Internet currently at this time after work, and will check the following - fb messages, get off Facebook, check emails, blog, and if I don't pass the 30 minutes when done with bogging, I can listen to music, look at instruments online, watch a video or two on YouTube, basic things I usually use as voids. I'm commited to write after using the Internet as a physical participation, and the points within using the Internet I'm commited to slow down, breath, go to bed.



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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 11 Oct 2013, 11:04

So, is is not allot post here. In fact I was currently writting a blog. It seems that I was lost in my mind quite a bit and had much resistance. So, I had fallen and masturbated just currently after accumulating resistance from finishing my blog. The following experience is occurring. I am wanting to hide, I'm wanting t just go to sleep, I'm wanting to watch YouTube videos, I'm wanting to separate myself from my self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally unstable, and then not write myself throu the resistance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into supression of the emotions through masturbation.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to make the choice of what I was participating in the mind within masturbation as abusive, and to write out and back trackwhyi got to the point of as turnstile.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and loosed myself to have much self blame sure toy, and to think that Im an asshole for having all ese reactions and I can't do anything write.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to write to gain happiness of doing something write, and not being an asshole.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through all of these emotions to understand that all that requires is accepting myself for what I've accepted and allowed, accept myself as life for the abuse, the self interest, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go through this self sabotaging phase after I had given into the self interest in order to potentially do the same the again.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel humiliated and on the deep end within my life.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to masturbate to make myself feel better about myself in my life, when I'm only further fucking myself in my own mind to keep myself destroying my body through this mental urg, and destroying others from having the act of masturbation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to panic and just feel anxious not being able to control myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through these difficult points to stabilize myself to in fact control myself, instead of just wishing it, like the quick fix I get from masturbation to verify the wishful thinking mechanism.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and just breath here, and just chill and walk through the point, and not force myself through all these points and self sabotaging myself for not getting all these points n time and worrying ill be punished or someone, or will lose.

I'i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel humiliated by writing myself out in front of others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t go not self pity to supress myself from taking self responsibility for what ive accepted and allowed.

I'm commited to slow down from this point.

I'm commited to not go into self sabotage,and actually fix this point thati keep fucking myself with not walking through, and not walking throu the emotions that I fuck myself with that fucks with myself walking through these points.

I'm slow myself down from the excess coffee I've been drinking and gather myself here and drink water.

I'm commited to utilize myself from this emotional build up.

I'm commited to not run away from my emotions but also walk through on how t chill out and stop stressing so much with taking care of these points.

I'm commited to slow myself down now and breath and come back here to slow dwn the rush within myself and the sickness I'm recieving frm coffee.



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Anna
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Anna » 13 Oct 2013, 18:51

Hi Nick

Something that I've seen in your writings that I recognize from myself is a point of taking things very seriously and easily allowing oneself to go into reactions and emotions. This is probably the point I have struggled most with throughout my process, where I would judge myself for doing something and then react even further and sometimes drive myself into months-long depressions - not recommended by the way. However the point that assisted me to stop was to realize that when I was 'looking' at myself from within myself it wasn't actually 'me' looking -- it was the mind. Because when I had a look at what the purpose was with all that emotional turmoil, it was clearly generating energy through the inner conflicts I was experiencing. So - it assisted me greatly to realize that the thoughts and experiences that came up within me weren't real - in fact they were programmed responses that I had learned and developed since childhood and that I had then defined myself according to and accepted as real. But they were on real insofar that I made them real for myself. So - what assisted me was to start realizing that when I think and believing that I'm looking at myself/reality objectively I am in fact not - especially when I'm reacting to what I see/experience. What is masturbation for example in common sense? Is it something that one should judge oneself for? What good does that do? Where does such a rationale come from?

So - I suggest to begin investigating your relationship to the mind in general and to thoughts and energy/emotions in particular so that you can start stabilizing yourself.



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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 21 Oct 2013, 09:42

Hi Anna, thank you, I will investigate myself and utilize this



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Nicklk1795
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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 21 Oct 2013, 09:43

http://nicklk.blogspot.com/2013/10/day- ... doing.html


Day 58 - mind of matter - pretending doing something consistently, instead of doing it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the belief of potential and physical participation, through making excuses that I did "this much and this much, and so therefor I don't require going further than this"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus have this within my process, where I will pretend I've reached a point that I'm clearly cognitive of, and create this image of that knowledge, instead of actually applying that relization through self writing/self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to thus create exploitation towards myself to protect wanting to essentially control others through fear of losing my relationships, as mind. Us within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deminish myself in relationships through creating mind fulfillment a of what I will do, who I am, and thus within my physical relationships, inevitably expect others to pay attention to me in order to verify my own lazyness and abuse to continue deceiving myself and others through someone I'm not.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self sabotage myself in order to kee myself loathing instead of practically changing my relationships throu self application, writing, physical application fom what I write.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to this not realize that following my schedule is a way to allow my physical application to become effective, and thus doesn't let the mind get in the way to fuck with the application I usually always say I will do and never do, because I'm to busy kind fucking myself and others with nonsense delusion of my own self abuse, through trying to preserve illusion.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus compare myself to others within everything I participate in, not realizing that I am simply fighting for control, because I've accepted and allowed myself to place false definitions towards my relationships,and thus inevitably cause conflict here in this physical reality for its abstraction, and its abusiveintent.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself to what my intent is, and thus 'try' to act out intent, not realizing that I'm in fact escaping facing my intent throu procrastination and lazyness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my control of others, and thus my simulations that I used to delude myself for the abuse I created towards others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not let go of what I have accepted and allowed, but to instead create humiliation, punishment, etc. towards myself, and allow myself to be bought into these definitions, when I've essentially known damn well that they are nothing but energetic experiences that I will create to make excuses to not take self responsibility for myself for what is best for all equal to myself in this reality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuses of others participating in it, s tht must mean I require surviving in it, therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to simply relate memories of have participated in these experiences, and doing the universal excuse pattern with the guilt, humiliation, etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not well, that I have been fucked with, and I've allowed my own fuckness, and thus this worlds fuckness, and thus within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand for what's best for myself as who I a here, but keep making these mind religious excuses to keep myself preoccupied with fucking others over, and thus compromising my ability to change this, simply because of allowing others to have deceived me, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting myself as life when I have the tools to do so, and us accept my relationships as life, having the tools now to do so, and t stop what I've allowed myselfto have been deceived into participating in.

I'm commited to stop fucking around, stop talking, stop conveying bullshit images, and to push through the mind resistance, but learn how to stabilize myself as breath equally, to ensure that I can support myself and my environment, thus win is I'm comited to continue my schedule, I'm commited to give myself break times to slow myself down and breath.

I'm commited to walk through all points of beliefs, all points of resistance, all points of negative and positive experiences win my mind, and apply this steady schedule to this commitment, to again, ensures am stable enough to support my environment, thus I'm commited to do what's necessary in cases of instability, and to ensure that I face the points that cause unstable moments.

I'm commited to investigate all points which I convey myself as a false image to suppress the self responsibility required to walk through my commitment for what's best for myself as life and all life equal to myself.





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