What My Inner Trump Hater Shows about Me. DAY 390
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During the past couple of days I have seen a lot of people expressing some very negative emotions towards Donald Trump (but also towards Hillary Clinton) and I have noticed how there behind the feelings of ‘shock’, ‘anger’ and ‘disgust’, also is a certain satisfaction that we seldom speak about; how it can feel good to hate someone, to feel disdain for them, to despise them.
At the same time, I have been looking at a point within myself of carrying very subtle and hidden blame towards others; something that’s come up both with my partner but also with other people.
So it made me have a look at this pattern within me, my inner ‘Trump hater’ so to speak, who finds a satisfaction in seeking out enemies and victimizing/sanctifying myself in the process. Now, I know that the experience of satisfaction isn’t as obvious, some may not even experience it as such, and it also is not the focus on this blog post. The point is really that we are very quick to point out scapegoats and faults in others before looking at our own.
It is very easy to claim to have sanctified values and something entirely different to actually live out those values, day in and day out, in every moment. How many of us actually do that? It is very easy to look as someone like Trump (or Hillary) and see the devil, but what about our own inner devils? It is so easy to see ourselves as “good-hearted, hardworking Americans” (literally or figuratively speaking since I am not actually an American) that looks even more benevolent in the light of someone like Trump. But what about our own inner Trumps? When do we ever confront these aspects of ourselves or examine them in minute detail down to every single word ever spoken or publicly written? Maybe we should?
Donald Trump isn’t the reason this world is in the condition it is in. We are that reason, each of us individually and collectively as well all make up a part of the world that is here, whether through seemingly innocent gossiping and exclusion of certain members of our community or through over consumption and obsession with buying the ‘right’ things – we’re all in some way contributing to creating the world EXACTLY as it is OR we would not waste our time being angry at Trump for ‘how bad’ he is. If we were truly doing something about the state of the world, we would be out there doing it, far too busy to worry about the apparent power of another individual. We would be out there using our own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person as a scapegoat and as focal point for which I project everything that’s bad, within me and within the world onto, and so when I put all the focus and attention on them, I look better in my mind’s eye, I can hide behind them and say “see, I’m not so bad” and thereby abdicate responsibility for the evil and nastiness that I contribute with to this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look in a deliberately critical and judgmental way towards people in frontline positions of seemingly power and within that wait for any moment for them to screw up or make a mistake so that they can be taken down and stripped off their power
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately suspicious towards someone that I perceive having gotten into a position of power, believing that they must’ve necessarily faked and cheated their way to this position
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize, see and understand that what I am confronted with when I react to a person in a position of power that I am critical towards, is my own relationship with power and being in a position of leadership, where I know that I could do more and be more to be a leader in my field – within myself even – but instead of developing my own leadership skills, I come down hard on someone else in a position of power, to keep the negative focus on them so I can keep a positive focus on me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a hidden and subtle experience of satisfaction within being critical, judgmental, spiteful and even hateful towards a person in a power position, because it makes me feel righteous and it makes me feel like the more I hate and despise that person, the more I remove myself from them and the bad things that I perceive they stand for, and thus I rise up within my own mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretively believe that I should have the power that I see another person has, and that I believe they shouldn’t have and that I would make a much better leader than them because I believe that I see EVERYTHING that’s wrong and everything that’s right in this world and thus I place myself in a position of over-power within my mind, but without actually claiming any real power or doing anything lead to take a leadership position
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on being critical and judgmental towards another person in a leadership position rather than looking at who I am as a leader within my own life, towards my own body and mind and myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always conveniently find someone whom I can blame as being the big bad wolf in a situation, and to even seek out ‘signs’ of someone being a big bad wolf in heir words so that I can make them into a big bad wolf in my mind and in conversations with others and thereby get the target off my own back as well as focus my attention of hating them and despising them and so not focus on actually changing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with nitpicking another person’s words and to deliberately and within preconceived judgment ‘look for’ faults and inconsistencies within their words so that I can disempower them within my mind and hold them at fault for what they say, when I in fact hold no such scrutiny towards my own words or what I accept or allow to come out of my mouth
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to focus on another person’s apparent faults and flaws within my mind, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that if I am focusing on another person’s faults and flaws it is an indication that I am looking at them from within a state of ego within me, of sitting on a high horse in my mind, thinking I am better than them when in fact I am merely using them as a scapegoat to not have to focus on myself or my own faults and flaws
I commit myself to stop using other people as scapegoats to not have to focus on myself
I commit myself to stop focusing on other people’s flaws and faults and instead focus on myself and what I can do to change myself, how I can become the best possible leader of myself, my body and my mind, how I can contribute to creating a world that is best for all