I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while walking into conflict within my relationships avoid asking myself specific questions and be aware in relation to moments of misunderstanding that arise out of fear as self doubt as I walked my relationship and within that I forgive myself that I didn’t share these questions with my partner in order to find answers together and within that I forgive myself for not being assertive enough to the point of enabling myself and my partner to reduce and or eliminate the consequences and outflows of my self doubt within and as the questions that came up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that within trying to avoid friction and conflict as the reaction as specific questions coming up within me within my relationship I accepted and allowed myself to become indecisive in my actions and thus ‘less than’ within the process of walking that relationship as a partner and thus allowing myself to become a lesser version of myself as a partner in a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that to be able to establish clear communication with my partner and people in general regarding the actuality of a relationship within every moment realizing I cannot do that if I am not here within every moment as the actuality of myself and within that I see this requires real time self honest reflection and self direction within moments of friction and conflict realizing that these moments are always created through miscommunication/misunderstanding myself as part of the causality within the actuality of the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within moments of unclarity, stress, friction, conflict within relationships, where projections and blame create strong energies and within that seeing myself blowing myself to pieces, go into this state of freeze and within that allowing myself to become scattered and run out of control instead of focusing and paying more attention to directing emotions and feelings coming up seeing realizing that they are in fact the alarm that is going of reminding me that within that specific moment the priority as the question to become my own master presents itself and I must act within the point of mastering myself by containing myself and my reactions within and as the definition of emotional maturity as my behavior as discussed with my partner in relation to what we agreed upon within what is accepted and allowed within our agreement as our relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no see, realize and understand that relationships and regret are the biggest enslavements points we as humanity are facing and within that I see that a real intimate relationship can potentially be the safest place for me and my partner to face ourselves as the painful truth of who we are and have allowed ourselves to become and within that I forgive myself for not being able to act on my realizations of what potential a relationship represents as the place to speed up my process of facing and changing the way I deal and act in relation to how I programmed myself to behave within relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress emotions, feelings, reactions towards my partner within walking a relationship together, thinking I could somehow avoid the confrontation with the self centered reality of myself In a relationship and within suppressing myself miss opportunities to see the reality of myself reflected within and as my actions and reactions towards my partner and within that avoid confronting myself to the point of being able to see for real who I really am/have become within and as relationships and regret and within that I forgive myself for failing to see and use moments of friction and conflict as the self support they represent to their upmost potential as the opportunity to see, realize and understand and thus reveal to myself the extend of my own preprogramming within and as relationships and regret as the reality of me and my partner in a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become reactive instead of active/inactive as the conscious effort of self reflection, enabling myself to see why and how I participate and express myself within and as fear in moments of conflict and friction within facing myself with a partner and within that use these moments/experiences as opportunities to sharpen my self corrective skills by slowing myself down, identifying relevant points of self sabotage and within that I forgive myself for being to afraid to change within the moment and be shit scared of what might reveal Itself within and as the reality of me and within that I forgive myself for not using these opportunities to transform moments of conflict and friction with my partner through realtime self reflection and self corrective action as self support to become a better version of myself that will continu to change the way I handle myself within moments of friction and conflict seeing realizing that real change requires action not reactions as re-acts or repeating acts within and as the robot I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my mind give more value to my preprogrammed ideas believes and projections of what a relationship should be instead of seeing in real time for real what is here, taking place as the sum of our collective parts and past as our persona’s in reality as the reality of us and our creation within that reality as the real version of who we are and what we have accepted and allowed to become within an intimate relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self dishonest within the point of seeing and realizing I was not taking full responsibility within and as the actions/work required for me to be successfully self employed to a minimum standard for me to have at least a minimum income and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing what the true extend was of what I was actually bringing into and shared within the relationship with my partner as the points that had to be integrated and within that I realize that my partner was unable to see realize and understand and take into consideration the whole reality of me as a self employed partner and everything that comes with that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate to the point of clarity and reality why I censored and suppressed myself within the relationship I shared with my partner instead of sharing myself to the point my partners would have a clear picture of the challenges and practical points I am facing in my life and thus what is practically possible and impossible thus allowing us to address them together within our relationship as the practical place to train ourselves within and as the practical partakers within the point of mutual support .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections and assumptions based on how well I thought partner new me instead of seeing within every moment the reality of our relationship as the moments and situations that have to be directed between us as the solutions to be able to continu walking our process as partners within and as the relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and judge a person based on the picture presentation of this person I see on social media wherein I am defined as this persons BFF seeing and realizing that this persons definition of friendship related to how this person perceives a BFF as these removed pictures is apparently different from mine?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and judge a person who's selectively removing me from this timeline presentation on social media as selective self censorship and within that allow myself to think that what is left is the definition of our ‘friendship’, our world and collective reality according to who that person ‘really’ is not realizing that within this I am looking at a desired picture presentation constructed from another mind based on projections and thus I’m reacting and judging based on virtual reality within a virtual reality which is stupidity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and conclude that from this person’s perspective our friendship, as the picture presentation on a social media timeline must be part of a multiple persona related to multiple relationships this person apparently has experienced with me instead of being patient and wait what reality as real life will reveal as ‘the truth’ within this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that within the real and raw reality of practically living a friendship/relationship, I’m always looking, seeing and make assumptions from a preprogrammed and distorted perspective and within that I see and realize my reality as the relationship is but a projection of myself reflected back as what I manifest into this world as how I have defined and lived relationships for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within seeing myself in relationships take sufficient time to evaluate and come to a clear understanding with and within myself in relation to my standing, principles and actions within and as my actions in relationships and to be more specific, the relationships, emotions, feelings and opinions I form when a person defines me as a ‘best friend for life’ and within that I see realize and understand that future relationships that become intimate need absolute open clarification from my part as to how I define or want to redefine what a BFF, friendship and or a relationship is seeing realizing that that is giving a potential partner the best possible chance of forming a ‘real’ partnership based on the ‘real deal’ here instead of the pictured timelines in our heads thus giving myself and a partner the ability to participate and walk our common journey on the most equal of bases.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I did not became more at ease and intimate with myself and the other persons in relationships and within that not allowing myself to walk the relationship to it’s full potential as a place and phase where real self trust can develop based on seeing reality as myself reflected back by the other person and within that I forgive myself for not being able to identify and differentiate shared pleasure, intimacy, mutual interests and mutual support from destructive patterns of co dependence thus instead of walking the relationship as a place to develop self trust in order to minimize co dependency and the ability to stand more equal and able to embrace more of myself and thus the other person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get on board the relationship and not see realize and understand the importance of constant evaluation and awareness when it comes to the importance of navigation within the principle of traveling together instead of alone and within that the real time and effort it takes, seeing realizing from the experience in former relationships that two captains on one ship requires seriously high level of communication, professionalism and self responsibility, knowing seeing that on relationships we often have to sail parts of the journey blind and or alone and within that seeing the opportunity to experience and develop undeveloped aspects of ourselves in the mirror that other person represents and vice versa instead of allowing myself to occupy myself with ‘the positive’ as if that where a threat to the equilibrium we as self defined BFF’s should have within and as our relationship and what it represents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my life and over time create misconceptions by focussing on the positive within my relationships seeing realizing that by doing so I pulled a veil over my eyes whereby I disabled myself to see the consequences of doing so for real and within that I Realize I will have to face these consequences as the repeated outflows of negativity as conflict and friction within the reality of relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make positive experiences, memories, feelings and thoughts into the reference points for what I define a relationship has to be and within that I see realize and understand that this focus on the positive is in no way creating balance, stability or objectivity because within that I can see that my focus and actions are one sided and if I’m one sided my relationships will become ‘one sided’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand from my own experience that within intimate friendships/relationships and over time I will get to a point where I am confronted with myself and my partner as the skeletons that are coming out of our closets within and as our ‘negative’ actions and reactions that play out in our relationship and within that I realize that as such these experiences are new and alien to us and within that I realize that these alien things as my habits, behavior and hidden patterns are the real point to focus on if I want to deprogram myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with these self created ‘Instagram profiles’ until I cannot longer keep track of all the parts keeping this self created persona together and thus allow myself to fall into pieces and blow the lid off making myself co responsible for creating situations where I see my partners scared when I feel fine or ecstatic when I allow myself to feel depressed or see my partner calm and relaxed when I am behaving uptight and agitated and within this allow situations to direct me instead of me directing myself within the situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that my relationships are mirrors and spooky reflections of what is actually wrong with me if I dare to take a look and within that I forgive myself for avoiding these confrontations with myself and within that allow myself to believe I know my so called partners through and through and thus have the right to make assumptions to who my partners realy is and what is really going on for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that walking a relationship is actually me and my partners dealing with layers we are trying to peel off of ourselves as that other person and within that I failed to see and accept that my reactions towards my partner are in fact always my own projections of self judgement and other bullshit that come up and within that I realize that that actually abuse and unacceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become and act as characters and spent my whole life being distracted by situations created by these self created entities and within that I forgive myself for not questioning myself in moments of conflict as to why and how I’m doing this to myself and within and from those experiences allowed myself to avoid, suppress or make projections unto my partner and former relationship experiences with so called ‘partners’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to program myself to become as a person as a persona, a human being that is unresolved thus unbalanced thus not stable and within that I forgive myself for not acting upon the notion that unbalance if not corrected leads to more unbalance which in turn makes stabilizing a manifested situation of conflict even harder and within that I forgive myself for the fear, potential and the irreversible interpersonal disasters I created by not taking action within relationships out of fear for the negative reactions my relationship partners might have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within relationships focus on and fear what we want as the positive as these ambitions, wishes and expectations of a common future as the relationship, seeing realizing that by doing so I’m doing my share of creating the opposite instead of creating a balanced walk that is in sync with what is here and playing out as the actuality of me and my partner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to spite as a coping mechanism instead of using moments where I see myself expressing myself outwards in negative possessed, unstructured outbursts of anxiety, frustration, disbelief, anger, pain, shame, grief, depression, giving up, walking away as physical opportunities to change the way I handle my impotence in relation to addressing and dealing with what I have to face as my self created reality as conflict within relationships
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that relationships show us who we are and speed that proces up and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as not able to keep up realizing that by doing so I’m all ready giving up and not allowing the relationship to get me to the relevant points fast and within that I forgive myself for not giving the best of me within dealing with relevant issues between me and my partners and do that collectively thus allowing my relationship to show me who we really are within our actions as the definition of the word ‘friendship’ and what that really practically means within and as a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not commit myself to give myself sufficient clarity and understanding when it comes to redefining the concept of ‘best friends for life’ and what that really means to me on a practical daily level and within that I forgive myself for becoming unclear and unresolved in relation to how I want to live friendship and relationships in general, realizing seeing that a partner can not have clarity regarding me if I am unclear myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize on a practical level how deceptive hidden points within me can reveal themselves within a relationship while walking this process of revealing myself with someone else and within that I forgive myself for underestimating the severity and fastness of these hidden patterns within me and my partner as these messed up and dark moments where I go through the experience of finding myself and my partner at our lowest point and our worst behaviour and within that I see realize and understand that it can come to a point where no one is able to stand and everything falls and within that I see and realize that it will take time and effort to come to terms with myself in relation to the events leading up to this situation before I can take on the next process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, think and convince myself that I was never meant to stand up or be able to stand within a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not focus on how I carry myself within standing up within myself within moments of conflict within relationships and within that I see that this can lead to a fall and within that I see realize and understand that someone who is in a relationship with me can not accept that behaviour even if that person is convinced that he or she wants me to be in his or her life permanently and within that I see that it’s about me expressing to the best of my abilities who I am within and as my actions that permanent point within someone’s life and that other peoples preferences, competences as projections are completely irrelevant in relation to the development of that relationship seeing realizing that the starting point for every relationship is the relationship I have with myself and create with myself!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to albeit going trough similar experiences before, I underestimated the intensity of energy residing within me that came out during this brake up and within that I realize that getting up and stabilizing myself after a fall like this takes time and within that I forgive myself for not acting on the subtle signals that where already in my reality warning me that something was slowly but surely going haywire and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort to reflect on similar events in the past and use them as the lessons I learned to approach situations like these to prevent the damage from becoming so big that things will never be as they where before seeing realizing that resisting and suppressing painful points will only make accepting reality more difficult and within that enable myself to fully and immediately direct myself towards a solution that is best for all within the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not enabling and training myself more within the point of translating simplicity and common sense into consistent real change and behaviour and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as not enough, never enough, a failure, seeing realizing that I’ve done more than was healthy in relation too the challenges I was facing and within that I forgive myself for not being able to see the whole multi dimensional picture of what was unfolding within me as the relationship and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that finding solutions within relationships as projects require preparation, planning and labour and that solutions are never here at once and within that I see realize and understand that when I face a point within me or another person it’s never that one point but merely the tip of an iceberg and within that I forgive myself for focussing on those tips instead of looking for the origin of that point as it’s presenting itself within and as the hidden dynamics of my relationship!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not redefine the words patience and balance into a practical workable format I can apply in daily life as a reflex as a method as a tool too keep myself grounded and stable in order to allow myself to become aware of the strings of cause and effect in real time within and as myself as my actions and the consequences thereof
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time to verify with my partner in real life and within and as real constructive labour what it practically entails to address the foreseeable outflows of our common expectations, projections in relation to our common experiences within and as our relationship and where those can potentially lead us in regards to a common future where I will be a permanent part in my partners life, seeing realizing we will have to walk and face ourselves as the creators of our reality and the possible scenario’s that are likely to play out between us, seeing realizing that within that point I will continue to separate myself if I do not have a firm stand based on the relationship I live with myself as an equal partner and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner for not doing enough or being the reason for shit that is playing out and within that I forgive myself for not addressing my own demons first, seeing realizing that in order to stand as a point of stability within a relationship I need to stabilize myself first in relation to known aspects, behaviour and trigger points within me that can potentially cause problems between me and my partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that within these processes it eventually always ends with facing the horror of myself and someone else, not realizing I have a big part to play in how things work out in my reality within and as HOW I walk with someone within this reality as the ways I deal with this person and the situations and who I allow myself to be within that as my actions and reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that for me to get to relationships 2.0, is making sure I bring myself to that point where I am able to hear that one voice inside me as me here and focus on braking the eggs in the right way instead of making projections in my head about the perfect omelet!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become agitated, frustrated and locked-up seeing parts of the true nature of who we are as partners within and as this relationship we walk and within that I forgive myself for suppressing my fear for my own fear as the anxiety related to the relationship experience with my partner and the point that within relationships all shit will eventually be revealed and within that I forgive myself for not reflecting on what I can practically do and not do to give myself and my partner a fair change and clarity in relation to dimensions revealing themselves within the point of me fearing the unknown in relation too becoming a practical and permanent part of someone’s life and what that practically entails for the both of us in daily life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make past experiences and moments of conflict between me and my partner into projections and assumptions of what is possible and impossible between me and my partner and not sharing these points self honestly with my partner, seeing realizing that this is a moment where I fail to take self responsibility and instead decide to suppress myself hoping that this potential new process will work itself out and within that I forgive myself for making my partner’s proposal into a self for filling prophecy within the point of me thinking and assuming that my partner also knows that our joint history as a relationship in no way suggests that being together is a good idea and hearing my partner speak out that proposal thus judging that proposal as some sort of confirmation or compliment instead of a legitimate proposal I have to take seriously and see for what it is, being the start of a new process thus everything as us as the relationship redefined and within that I forgive myself for completely failing to see these dimensions opening up as I write them down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see within me the way I unconsciously sabotage moments of resistance as fear as the real opportunities for change within relationships and instead allow myself to secretly and selectively focus on positive projections in relation to the negative within my relationship and within that hide the true nature of myself as who I am as the sum of my parts and within that I see realize and understand that this is my mind doing what it does best which is letting me sabotage my own process of changing for real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for my responsibility to embrace the positive and the negative within me as who I am as the totality of me within a relationship and within that I forgive myself for creating and projecting a censored view/image towards my partner seeing realizing that by doing so I’m actually creating a negative shitstorm in the future and within that I see realize and understand that all I can do within a relationship is embrace, share and communicate all of myself as a living example of how how want to I live a relationship as I would like others to embrace me and live and share themselves with me within and as relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my partner had little to no clue as to the effort, time and energy it actually takes me to run my own company and be part of a startup within a corporate environment and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for the doubt/questions that arose within me regarding me becoming a more permanent point in my partners life and the answers those questions required as clear communication from my part regarding that assumption I made and within that I see and realize that my partner doesn’t have to see all the dimensions of me but only has to see me for real here giving my best to be specific and clear within my communication in relation to my doubts and fears in order to give my partner the best possible opportunity to simply see realize and understand what is realistic in relation to managing her own expectations in relation to the dimensions that will likely open up after I become a permanent point in her life and to within that enable the both of us to see for real what is and is not possible from the perspective of personal wishes and projections regarding the point of having each other as partners within and as the total sum of our parts as the starting point for what I now see realize and understand to be the start of a new process, and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that a new process requires a fresh look and new starting point from the perspective of the changing dynamics we both will face in relation to becoming more permanent parts in each others lives and the changing dimensions and obstacles we therefore are likely to encounter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the time I’m now investing in giving myself clarity by writing and self forgiveness was not available to me because of being actively involved in a relationship with my partner and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that coming to a clear understanding within myself in regards to the points opening up in relation to the question of becoming a more permanent part in my partner’s life is essential and within that I see that if these points open up within a relationship the relationship has already changed and within that I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that this change and points opening up as this change as these questions and feelings of doubt need the same time/attention anyway and within that I realize I should have reserved and shared that time within my relationship with my partner to get to a clear understanding in order to design and program practical solutions in regards to how we want to live and shape our relationship as that new process we are both starting and within that see the necessity to come to too a clear and redefined agreement with myself and my partner because within that is the opportunity to give ourselves the best possible starting point for walking what is to come together successfully.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize within points opening up in my relationship after the question of becoming a more permanent part in my partners life was asked, the necessity to always investigate and come to a clear understanding within and as myself so I can enable myself to communicate and share with my partner the specific points I see opening up and within that the observation that it is essential for my partner to see and understand these points so we can prepare ourselves and thus the relationship to move in a direction we both agreed upon seeing who we are within and as the relationship up to that point and all we bring to the table as who we are within and as ourselves including the bags of shit we still carry as our hidden patterns, as the trauma, as the potential breaking points as the points we have not yet faced and walked within and as our relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my partner as understanding and flexible and within that place her in my reality as intelligent and flexible and within and from that convince myself she is thus interpreting intellectually and thus not able to see my physical reality and specifics of what it is I have to do and go through on a daily bases related to my self employment and within that I forgive myself for not trying to cross reference this assumption with my partner into the nitty gritty in order to understand for myself within absolute clarity what it is we have come to face as partners as BFF’s within and as our relationship as the starting point for a new process that I see is now knocking on our door(s) as a relationship that needs redefining!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and act (out) as if I was the permanent problem/cause connected to situations of friction and conflict emerging from our relationship by being involved in my partner making choices that turn out to be and are seen and judged by my partner as costly experiments and within that I forgive myself for not directing myself and come to clarity and standing within myself in order to support my partner and the stability of our relationship in moments where this construct was used as hidden blame between us as the collective sum of our parts as our projections and reactions as who we are and express ourselves in separation within this relationship, now seeing my responsibility in relation to the severe outflows these patterns had in our past and can have in the future as part of our personalities as friction in our relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to failed experiments in relation to my partner as part of my relationship where I was faced with hidden blame where my partner connected me too a created problem even though it was solely based on a personal choice my partner made and within that I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing my responsibility within this and from that point come to a clear understanding within and as myself to who I am and want to be when I communicate with my partner regarding, my doubts and inner conflict, seeing within this that creating clarity regarding the points we are facing in the moment is of the utmost importance in relation to how we deal and resolve friction as partners within and as our relationship without wasting time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume I had to stop my partner beforehand from making decisions that I saw as not wise, costly, complex, not workable or not relevant instead of focussing on getting my emotional skills to the level required to communicate my standing clearly and without energy attached from the starting point of doing what is best for all involved within the relationship before making assumptions based on what I project and believe to be, not wise, costly, complex, not workable or not relevant
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that an emotional mature, competent decision can also entail that I give my partner a change to fail because sometimes it’s simply more effective and thus consumes less time and within that see and understand that my partner is able to do the same and that after these moments have been directed by myself and my partner I should be grateful for having someone in my life taking the effort to let me fall in a controlled way albeit my experience within that moment and my reactions towards my partner may be completely different and within that I forgive myself for not using moments of severe possessions to the best of my ability because I react out of anger, fear and shame and within that fail to see that these are actually personal pressure cookers I can use to eat my portion of progression sooner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place and degrade myself as the handyman within my partners reality instead a boats mate within and as the definition of shared responsibility for our relationship while out at sea in the system within the point of priorities required to get to a clear understanding of the actuality and coarse of our relationship and what it practically requires to keep the relationship in sea worthy shape
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that walking these relationships points is not walking these points only to get to a clear understanding of them for myself but for my partner and everyone facing these dimensions and events within relationships as well and within that I forgive myself for not seeing that even my self forgiveness can be a mindfuck instead of a process to become self-centred in the right sense of the word
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become too computerized and rigid within my approach to daily life to see that I walk this proces to study my starting points as the blue prints of the programs I use to sabotage myself into separation within ‘all’ my relationships and within that I see that I’m interconnected and the only way to stop this is to de-connect and de program myself, especially within a intimate relationship albeit the huge resistance I experience when that relationship process demands specificity, clarity and discipline within all aspects of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the experiences of resistance when a process within my intimate relationships demands specificity, clarity and discipline within all aspects, not seeing and realizing that by giving into resistance I’m actually postponing the process of getting to the specifics of why I and how I walk myself into conflict and how I can walk myself out of patterns as my resistant behaviour through witch I sabotage myself by denying myself the gift of specificity, clarity and discipline within that seeing that resistance is always a specific point and opportunity in space and time for real change and within I see realize and understand that to address my behaviour as self limitation and change that behaviour is to enable myself to become more flexible, clear and specific and literally physically train myself within and as mastering actual practical discipline as the most efficient way to change myself in real time within moments regarding points of resistance related to the negative dynamics between me and my partner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my backchat judge my partner as stubborn, over determined and impatient, not seeing realizing that these projections and judgements I make are but one sided projections coming from me and that they are projected by me because I’m not willing myself within these moments to slow myself down, stop, breath and first investigate for myself and within myself why I allow myself to judge a partner based on one sided parts of the picture/perspective I create within my mind and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that in these moments I’m actually all ready starting to participate within a polarized situation I am creating myself as conflict by allowing myself to become and act one sided and reactive towards my partner and within that focus on the wrong person instead of myself first as the instigator of possible friction and conflict within my relationship witch is actually my own stubbornness, impatience and inflexibility in relation to not wanting or willing myself to really change these points and within that I see that the more I push and force myself to always look at the whole picture the sooner I will be able to ‘stop myself in time and see the polarity playing out within these moments of friction between me and my partner and within that I see realize and understand that being able to do that is the start of real change within and as the opportunity to either participate within or stop my participation as the creator of polarity between me and my partner and thus allowing myself to become and be an active participant within the process of bringing these moments to a point of stability and clarity so me and my partner can walk from the same perspective in a more harmonious and simplified environment and by doing so get things done more efficiently and within that I forgive myself for not focussing on trying to bring all these points to the table in situations that require objective* and solid advice from my part and within that I forgive myself for not pushing myself more in situations of conflict within relationships out of fear of destroying my partners ‘positive moment’ out of fear for creating ‘negative moments’ within my relationships wherein I allow myself to feel judged as the one that always focusses on things that could go wrong and be the seen as the ‘spoiler of happy moments’ as the one that ‘always spoils the party’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the ‘weird one’ that ‘always spoils the party’ not seeing that this is part of who I am and how I have behaved in the past and projected myself within and as my personality and behaviour towards people, seeing realizing that within that point I’m actually the one not willing myself to change myself within this point as my behaviour as my actions and reactions and thus limit myself within the point of actual real change within and as my relationships as who I am and want to be for real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner within the point of displaying ’rich bitch’ and ‘diva’ behaviour as disdain towards me and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that my ability to see these specific points within and as someone else’s behaviour can only be seen by me if they are part of who I am and my behaviour as well and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that when I react I’m always reacting as my own creation as self-judgement in relation to the point I’m reacting too and within that I see that investigating these points of judgement in relation to how I behave as disdain should be investigated and walked first so I can be an example for myself as to how I want to deal with this point practically for myself as a living example instead of judgement towards my partner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself that it’s hard for me or that there is little I can do or say in moments of conflict between me and my partner to make her change her mind or attitude within that seeing and realizing that I’m assuming to know my partner well enough to draw that conclusion seeing realizing that I don’t know myself well enough within the same points to draw that conclusion and within that assuming allow myself to become the instigator of more conflict instead of a directing force towards a solution that benefits the relationship thus the both of us equally seeing realizing that my partner needs experiences as confrontations with who she is and has become just as much as I do in order to be able to make choices based on actual experience and within that I forgive myself for not seeing the ability of my partner to change within and as her behaviour towards me after her divorce where she became less judgemental in relation to my struggle with work and money because of her own experience with that struggle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bullied by my partner in the past for not having enough money and within that assuming that she never took the effort of really investigating and experiencing for herself what the dynamics of my life entailed, seeing and realizing that within that point I have not created sufficient clarity for myself in relation to that point and thus not for my partner thus allowing my partner to be really able to see how and what my life entails and make decisions based on that reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as very outspoken, unreasonable and way to blunt and within that assume that I was of little to no influence on her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by anger and frustration based in feeling treated as ungrateful by my partner as a reaction to her backchat where she made spiteful remarks in relation to me supposedly letting her down and never finishing what I start, and within that judge my partner as as an ‘ungrateful bitch’ within the point of seeing her not take self responsibility for initiating those situations within and as situations of conflict in our relationship based on en originating from her own personal choices and within that I forgive myself for not being able to stand and communicate this with my partner from my perspective in a constructive and clear manner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate and thus postpone self development through miscommunication and misunderstanding and lack of stance from my side, within that seeing and realizing that by doing so I’m creating a situation where the physical will do the processing for me by creating situations where I wil have to face myself falling and go through the experience of my lowest point and the consequences that creates as situation in my life where I loose everything and will have to face myself as the reality of me within and as time loops I wil have to walk as the irreversible damage I have done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner for not taking my reality seriously and within that judge her as arrogant or self centered or ungrateful thinking that because she is not an active part of the commercial environment I am confronted with on a daily bases and within that place her as unable able to stand in my shoes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid confrontations with my partner by keeping my mouth shut or bring as little as possible to the table in relation to my daily struggle related to being self employed out of fear for my partners reactions and or judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my partner has to experience for herself what it means to ‘make her own living’ as a self employed individual while walking process and a demanding relationship because I believe I am not capable of managing my partners expectations in relation to walking a relationship with me and to within that (after a our relationship fell) convince myself that the relationship is now definitively over thus all in relation to my partner is now out of my hands, not seeing realizing that the fact my partner is not standing with me doesn’t mean my standing within and as my definition of being a partner and a BFF as myself has to change as well and within that I forgive myself for deceiving myself by concluding I cannot stand with her as my self agreement like I did in the the past as the responsibility I want to take within and as the relationship seeing realizing that this is not who I am or what to be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as someone who’s not managing expectations towards me in a sufficient way and that within that my total reality is not seen or taken into consideration and within that I forgive myself for judging my partners demands, expectations and the way she projects them as blunt and not realistic, seeing realizing that it is my responsibility to manage expectations within my relationships from a ‘self-centered’ ‘stand-point- and in a professional way through clear communication related to the relevant points that need clarification from my part
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself instead of finding out for real if my partner consciously disregarded a large part of my reality or didn’t see and realize to the full extend, what my life practically entails and within I forgive myself for coming to the conclusion that I’m not able to live up to my partners expectations and thus cannot be a preferred partner and that from this perspective it makes no sense for my partner to ask me to be a permanent part in her life, within that seeing and realizing that I’m actually using a self created mechanism to manipulate my relationship and through that sabotage my process of self change by not testing myself for real and instead allow myself to make believes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that an experience of conflict between me and my partner within our relationship actually ads new context to our relationship and within that I failed to see and act to integrate ‘new context’ in our reality effectively and fast enough in real time, seeing realizing that from there a new perspective is revealing itself and thus the old and ‘new-context’ have to be reintegrated and redefined and within seeing that I forgive myself for not taking all of our common past and what we have created as our relationship as the foundation over the years into consideration within moments of friction in this relationship as ‘new context’ and within that take into account the old memories, experiences and unresolved issues between us seeing realizing that these will always influence the present as our action and reactions within every aspect of our relationship and within that I forgive myself for not looking specifically at these fundamental point and instead allowed myself to become distracted within and as the dynamics of daily life as this relationship instead of slowing myself down and allow myself to give myself a clear picture and perspective of what it is I am participating within as the actuality of myself within and as this relationship in order to become and stand as a point of stability and reference within and as this relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get ahead of myself as part of a pattern where I avoid confrontations with myself and my partners within moments of conflict and within that I forgive myself that by doing so I allowed the negative events that played out between me and my partners as moments of friction and misunderstanding to become destructive instead of supportive moments in time that can assist me and thus my partners to look and actually see at the actuality of who we are within this relationship we walk as our misaligned behaviour towards each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus more on my partner than on myself within seeing and realizing that the multiple moments of friction that presented themselves over the past seven years between me and my partner where not isolated events but the tips of icebergs, the dots I can connect and use too visualize the pattern of self sabotage and destruction I use to prevent a partner from ever asking me to be a permanent part in his or her life by sabotaging that moment beforehand out of fear of really committing myself within and as all of me to a standing within and as a relationship as myself as how I want to live a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my partner really sees me and understands the nitty gritty of me seeing realizing that this is impossible if I don’t see the nitty gritty myself first and that by doing so and from this point I created multiple moments and situations of friction and conflict within relationships and within that I see realize and understand that not I nor my partner can make a fundamental decision like becoming a permanent part in someones life if that point of permanency is not made against the backdrop of who I am in relation to the person I walk a relationship with as the total sum of his or her parts taken into consideration and embraced by me as an absolute standing as how I want to live my permanent part one and equal within and as a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while seeing my partner observing, scrutinizing and walking with me for more than seven years, assume that she was able to see what she was getting into within asking me to become a more permanent part in her life and within that assume that she new better than me as to how this permanent presence should be developed practically in daily life and within that I forgive myself for not doing my part of investigating for real what was coming up within me when that question was asked and within that what it was I had to prepare for practically as the points that came up when my partner asked me to become a permanent part in her life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that I can never take an invitation of becoming a permanent point in someones life seriously because I failed to realize and put into action as my behaviour, as my answer, my actions that question for ‘real’ as the reality of us standing as partners embraced, where everything of us is taken into consideration including our collective bags of shit and within that I forgive myself for judging and placing my partner within the construction of being a person who is a hopeless romantic or doesn’t see and take the whole reality of us into consideration, seeing realizing it’s me who is being the hopeless romantic by believing that our relationship within a more permanent context will work itself out automatically without me having to change myself within and as this hopeless romantic for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define our intimacy as sex as not satisfying, seeing realizing that I am the one that has to change that what is not satisfying into a point of mutual support within a relationship by being a constructive and supportive part(ner) within this point and within that I see realize that I didn’t give this point the attention it needed and within that I forgive myself for making it a point of friction and conflict and within that allowing myself to become agitated instead of living and communicating in clarity how I experience and want to express myself as parts of our relationship within and as the point of ‘self-intimacy’ and sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as an enormous asshole and my partner as a hysterical bitch seeing us participating within moments of conflict and friction where we allowed ourselves to fall and behave within and as our lowest points realizing that nothing practically constructive can come from moving away instead of moving towards each other, seeing who we are as the participants as the sum of our parts as what we have walked in the past as partners all ready and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that I can take myself and my partner within and as our relationship as the point of reference seriously within and as what we walked as experiences as solutions in the past an apply them as solutions in moments of friction and conflict we are facing within our reality here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take myself into consideration completely within the point of what I was actually physically able to bring to the table within and as my actions as part of the relationship and within that I forgive myself for pushing myself too hard thus creating real physical trouble that is not supporting me to stand within and as stability as a partner as the relationship with my partner I want to live for real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within possessions that accumulated into my standing imploding and crumbling down at my partners place in the presence of her children and within that I forgive myself for creating a severe situation and a breaking point within our relationship for all involved instead of using this moment as a moment of opportunity to see and open up these points within me thus enabling myself and my partner to walk through them constructively and thus allow our relationship to become the next process, seeing realizing that that moment was actually finally here for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe events that played out had to unfold like this and within that try to convince myself to be at peace with it, seeing realizing that there are still moments when I feel anger and frustration come up related to my own stupidity and lack of humbleness seeing and realizing that self honest writing, reflection and sharing with my partner can reveal what I have to walk here without too much negative outflow within and as my relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to let it all go and make a stand and only focus on myself within this, seeing realizing that what I’m facing is but a reflection of myself within and as my partner as the relationship and thus the relationship is the point of focus and letting go the ultimate betrayal of myself within and as my standing as a partner as a constructive part of a relationship in whatever moment of development as the relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the only way for my partner to be able to see me as the total sum of my parts should be her experience of having to walk this reality without me in it as a self employed individual, dealing with and facing the challenges that I had to face as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as someone that is used to money being always there and within and from that point allowed myself to assume that my partner is not being able to stand in my shoes within the opposite point because she’s not working the same job or going through the same experience and within that I forgive myself for not trying to be more communicative within the point of clarifying who I am and how I want to direct my life as the total sum of my parts that have to be integrated into our relationship after my partner asked me to be a more permanent part in her life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel judged, judge myself and/or make assumptions about my partner’s judgements, opinions and standpoints in relation too me being (un)successful or for not having money without investigating this into the nitty gritty in order to enable myself to get to a firm standing to who I am and want to be for real within this as the reality of me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take into consideration the totality of me and my partner within and as the relationship we walked up to this point in time, within this seeing and realizing we come from two different realities and life experiences within and as our relationship as the multi dimensionality and effort it took to move past our differences and towards each other not seeing and realizing that within that we are simply meeting with and have to deal with the manifested consequences of that process and within that I forgive myself for not being aware of the fact we where also ending a seven year cycle within that, seeing realizing that these cycles can present a real moment of chance and that these opportunities mostly present themselves as resistance and within that I forgive myself for not seeing this moment of opportunity for the real chance it was to bring myself and the relationship to the next level, within that seeing and realizing the self commitment it takes to give this point the proper place within and as my actions and reactions within relationships, friendships and social life in the cycle to come
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way of solving this dilemma I’m facing where making more hours thus more money thus creating less time with my partner will create friction and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to enter the polarity within this where I assume that working less hours will result in less money thus less movement and that doing so will also create friction with my partner and within that I forgive myself for not looking at the balance point within this equation from where I can work on a solution instead of sabotaging my process beforehand
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare the situation of a female colleague who happens to be self employed and sees my situation as impossible in relation to my partner understanding the dynamics of self employment and the workload that comes with it because of not going through these experiences herself and thus this person believes my partner is not capable of accepting me within and as these dynamics and really stand within her decision of wanting me to be a permanent point in her life and within that I forgive myself for changing my stand within and as my self agreement in relation to my partner thinking it would be better for her to give me up and find someone else that fits her relationship demands better and within that seeing and realizing I have no clarity at all regarding what it really is my partners stands as within and as our relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the cause and reasons for interventions that had to take place within our relationship and within that allowed myself to judge myself as always being the the one that triggered my partners personal demons not seeing realizing that we as partners are mirrors for self reflection first and within that I forgive myself for pitying myself seeing myself loosing my way and behave emotionally immature and unable to control my possessions within and as specific dynamics within our relationship and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and become the suppressed emotional state of feeling overlooked within and as a partner in a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in this moment allow myself to become happy and upbeat after a positive feeling connected to an image of a situation where I see me and my partner being able to communicate came up, where I saw everything between me and my partner work out in the future based on experiencing myself here getting to clarity in relation to why my relationships always end up in the same spot and within that see and realize that I’m actually capable of giving myself clarity in relation to why and how I sabotage myself within relationships and within that I forgive myself for thinking this will have a direct effect on who I am within and as my behavior in the future and that it’s going to work out between me and my partner, within that not seeing realizing that within the definition of working out is the word ‘work’ and before anything is done the whole process and all relevant points have to be walked and worked ‘out’ before the potential of a new process will reveal itself as the reality of our relationship and within that I forgive myself to make projections in my mind regarding our future based on nothing more than a happy positive feeling of self enjoyment that came up within me as I was writing and speaking out my self forgiveness here.
So how do I want to live the word friendship? What does that word even mean to me?
An unsinkable ship constructed by two people who decided to face themselves as their own creation by going on a quest together in order to move towards each other. A journey so tough and full of hard challenges that it can only be done by two people in absolute trust together, realizing that they have committed themselves to a death defying journey no matter what! A journey into the depths of who we are on a ship that has no room for privacy, secrecy or exclusivity! A journey that will challenge everything we think we are through seeing ourselves as our behaviour as boats mates going through the same experience. A journey that will drive us apart and reveal what we have to learn to move towards each other. Where we learn how to assist each other practically while dealing with extreme conditions on the ocean called life. A journey that will reveal every hidden limitation we have placed upon ourselves. A journey that will require us to do things we have never done before. A journey where we will face the unknown. A journey where we will have to give more than our best as we will face our biggest fears and challenges as the rough sees we will have to master. A journey where both realize and act in accordance with the fact that the journey was never meant to be a pleasure cruise but an expedition into unknown territory and one of the roughest places here on earth. A fact finding mission into the deepest darkest and most secretive regions of who we are. A confronting and seemingly never-ending process of dealing with new and unforeseen challenges. And through all that the goal remains the same! Stay on your feet, stay on deck and keep sailing no matter what. There will be storms, white outs, black outs, leaks in the hull, broken masts, torn sails, damaged equipment, schizophrenia, panic attacks, wild animals, strange currents, seeing things that are not here, fatigue, no wind, navigational challenges, hunger, thirst, friction, disagreement, pain, madness, dehydration and injuries. We will make mistakes. We might even have to sacrifice ourselves to save a partner going overboard and we will be so far from land that no help will be able to reach us. We will be alone together in this indefinitely and we will again and again have to find it in ourselves to continue without interruption. And all of this will be for sake of creating this experience as this journey as the real life documentary of two people learning to expedite the process of becoming one directive principle together on this relationship as we sail forward dealing with everything reality is able to throw in front of our bow. Real understanding is an action! This is our friend-ship on witch we do our internship to experience and redefine what friendship really means in word and deed.
And within all of this I see realize and understand that it all starts with becoming my own BFF!