Anna's Journey to Life

[Anna]

Hi Anna, I see that my post came after your phoenix rising blog, whereas I had been responding to your first day - inferiority -
Have been following your blogs - thanks

Cool Christine!

[Anna]

DAY 8: “Live and Let Die”
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/04/22/d ... d-let-die/

“And don't get hurt,'. 'There's no one to help you up there. And don't go stirring up a lot of trouble for us. This case isn't ripe yet. Until it is, our policy with Mr Big is 'live and let live'.” - Quote from the movie titled “Live and Let Die”

Today I have had a “live and let die” day and realization – I started when I woke up and allowed myself to participate in a mind-possession. The specific point I was experiencing was a lot of thoughts, back chat and experiences in relation to my agreement with my partner that I had been accumulating for quite some days, believing that I had to come to a conclusion, yet finding myself unable to and thus “letting it go”.

In this I allowed myself to “take the day off” which in “my world” (of living automated mind-possession patterns) was watching movies and simply doing my daily tasks. I have recently walked a 21 days to freedom application of not watching TV series because I had allowed myself to become addicted to watching TV series and specifically use TV series as a point of suppression, where I would watch and watch and watch and allowed myself to become completely submerged within it as a “letting go of myself” so within allowing myself to watch movies in this starting-point I was allowing myself to do the same again.

What is interesting is that the strategy behind this is to “let go” but the actual application is exactly the opposite: suppression. And what suppression is is actually a holding on through procrastinating the point of facing oneself and in self-honesty brings the points one is facing back to oneself – and as such take self-responsibility for what one have accepted and allowed and as such change and align oneself to what is best for all.

Eventually I talked the point through which my partner, who assisted me to see that I was projecting. Some very cool points emerged that requires direction which I will be writing about in relation to money and control.

However, for this writing, I have decided to write about this point for my own sake – to walk through it in openness and not allow myself to “live and let die.” This was also why I decided to speak with my partner about the point I had been accumulating for quite some days – precisely through avoiding it and “letting it slide” – all based on the self-deceptive belief that by not bringing it up – in openness with myself or with my partner – “it will go away” and that this is the same as “letting it go.” – but what it actually is, is letting it “live” through not directing it – through letting it grow and stay in the secret mind.

When I finally decided to speak to my partner about it, my first decision was to be “diplomatic” – which actually meant “censoring” the information. Eventually I decided and directed myself to share everything directly, simply explain how I experienced myself, what I had thought, how I had allowed the point to accumulate and what I saw as the practical solution. In fact, when I have done this previously it has been very supportive and in doing so, I have allowed myself to “lay it all out” and within doing that, give myself the opportunity to face the point in having it cross-referenced by another and also simply in speaking it out and hear the words for myself as I speak, hear how my thoughts sound once they are articulated, which often leads to self-realizations of seeing that what I had accepted and allowed was delusional and deceptive.

The cross-reference can then be done in writing as well, which is the same as speaking with another about it, where one “lay out” the point in all detail – this was what I experienced, this is how I see I created it, this is how I see I can solve it and change myself. THAT is the beginning of letting go. Because we can only let go, if we actually face the point first and thus the actual letting go – is a self-directed decision in seeing all parts of a point and deciding to change one’s starting-point and change one’s living.

By not doing that – in the delusion that through suppression, one is letting go – one is in fact convulsively holding on to the point as a direct abdication of self-responsibility for oneself.

Live and let die has been given a positive definition of being relaxed and not taking things so seriously, but what is the person actually doing in the quote above? Procrastinating and suppressing through fear, manipulation and deception.

So the statement is actually false – by suppressing a point and by procrastinating the point of facing and directing oneself in self-honesty one is in fact not living – one is rather waiting to die and calling that living. “Live and let die” is not a statement of “easy living” because what one is in fact doing is building the point up continuously until one do in fact die or face oneself, through, as and within self-direction.

So this is the point I commit myself to walk – to live and let myself live through not allowing myself to suppress points. I commit myself to let go of the survival strategy of suppressing points as though I thereby are letting them go – when in fact I am holding onto to them.

I commit myself to not ” live and let die” as in letting points go – when in fact what I have done within that is to let them go on in abdicating self-responsibility.

I commit myself to push myself to direct myself to face myself immediately and to immediately correct myself, so that I can actually start living in letting myself live.

I commit myself to Live in letting that die which is not best for all through directing myself to face all points and parts of and as myself that I have separated myself into and as and as such walk the process of letting myself live.

Visit Desteni, the forum where we write ourselves out and the Destonians Network that is a new social networking platform where videos are blogs are streamed 24/7.

[Anna]

DAY 9: Lost in The Woods
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/04/25/d ... the-woods/

I am back from the woods after not having posted a blog for two days. The reason for this is that I had allowed myself to immerse myself in a mind-possession and even though I did write, I could see that I was wanting to post simply to "keep up". So I stopped. This morning when I woke up, I had had enough of the mind-possession that I had allowed myself to immerse myself in.I asked my partner for assistance and he suggested that I took a walk. So that is what I did. Close by where we live there is a wildlife reserve, so I went there. While I was walking towards the reserve I was very possessed with experiences of anger, frustration, regret and self-pity. So I decided to start speaking it all out, out loud instead of keeping it cooped up “in my head” where I had allowed the thoughts and experiences to roam. So I started speaking to myself and the first thirty minutes I simply yelled and complained. In the beginning I was walking in roads where there were other people, so I kept it down when they passed me, but as I walked into the reserve and onto a path into the woods, there were fewer and fewer people. First I yelled at myself all the things I saw I did wrong. I allowed myself to speak out everything I experienced inside me and not hold back. I wanted to see myself and show myself to myself and as I listened to my own voice I could hear how I was whining and I would agree with myself and then disagree with myself – lol – exactly as one might see or picture a crazy person talking to themselves on the street. But I did it deliberately because I had reached my limit; there was nothing else I could do.

While I was walking I noticed how beautiful the forest was. It was early morning and the sun was coming out and it is spring time, so everywhere around me I could hear birds and see sprouts coming up. I was painfully aware how I was this big stomping mind-possession walking in complete separation from nature – which was one of the points I had become possessed about, after having read some of the other Destonians blogs and seeing that I simply did not match up. I could see everything they said as real and valid, but when I looked at myself and “where I am” I simply did not match up. So I yelled to myself about that and as I walked further and further into the reserve my yelling started changing. I started becoming more brutal and clear in the voice, less cracking from being about to cry and I started experiencing myself becoming furious and angry, but not in a possessed way, simply as I took each step, I became more determined. And I said out loud to myself: “I keep on walking until it is done! I will not turn around or go back until I have spoken everything out and cleared myself, no matter the fuck long I have to walk.” (There was a lot of “fuck” in that conversation.) And so I did, and I talked and I talked and I talked and I kept walking. At some point I started becoming quiet.

I had walked into a new area of the reserve where it was more difficult to walk through. Along the way I walked over fields and streams with little bridges and because it had been raining, it was very muddy with puddles of water everywhere, which I did not have shoes suited for. Now I started going uphill into the deeper forest and it got even muddier. So for a while I simply had to focus on walking and not slipping. At some I started experiencing pain in my hip where I have an injury and I decided to start walking back. But instead of walking on the path, I started walking into the deeper forest to find another path so that I did not have to take the same path back that had been steep and very muddy. As I walked in the deeper forest in the direction I had come from, I had to constantly take alternate routes because there were literal lakes of water everywhere. In the beginning I had not taken note of how I was walking deeper and deeper into the woods. I was still experiencing emotions, but I was not nearly as possessed as I had been when I started.But suddenly I started realizing that I was in fact quite lost. I got a little nervous because I did not bring my phone, but it was warm and it was still early. I simply kept walking in the direction I had come from and soon got back to a place I had been before. But soon again I was lost and this time even more so than the first time, because within having to change my route due to the water puddles, I started getting slightly disorientated. Lol – at some point I looked at the sun and said: “okay at least I know where the sun is” but later I realized that “the sun is moving” because the earth is moving and so I could not trust that either and my navigating skills are definitely not up to date.

At some point I started following a path through the woods with red markings on the trees that I knew to be a hiking route. I figured that at least I would end up somewhere out of the woods and if I was walking entirely in the wrong direction, I could take the bus home or ask for a lift.

As I was walking there, I looked at the predicament I had brought myself in and I saw how being lost in the forest was a cool analogy for how I had lost myself in a mind-possession. In some dream analysis, water is also symbolizing emotions and so it was quite fitting that I was walking in the forest of my mind having to navigate through emotions and find the way through. I started looking at how the forest was not lost in itself, it was simply there – and even though I was somewhat lost, I was still here. I was in this forest and I knew that there had to be a way out of it, if I simply kept walking. So I used this analogy to support myself to look at the practicality of walking out of the mind. So I asked myself: what are you going to do? Are you going to sit down and cry because you are lost in the woods, until it gets dark and you might freeze to death or a wolf will catch your smell and eat you?” No of course not. I was determined to keep walking no matter what until I got out of the forest and I trusted that I would eventually find my way out. What assisted me was the red hiking markings and I looked at their significance as a symbol of guidance in me walking out of the forest of the mind. I realized that the people that have walked here before me have placed those markings after having walked these woods and back again so others can support themselves through the forest. I realized that these markings enabled me to guide myself through the forest, even though no one else was there and I was grateful that they had walked before me and how practical it was that someone had walked this already and could simply leave these markings for someone else to follow.

The markings on the path symbolizes the process of application in writing, breathing and applying self-forgiveness and specifically the structure of the Desteni I Process – because in that, we are guided by those that have walked the same path before us, through the wilderness of the mind. They don’t have to necessarily walk next to us, to assist us with guiding ourselves and in the end; it is us who have to walk ourselves through the wilderness.

So I kept walking and I slowly stopped being scared of being lost and I slowed down and allowed myself to enjoy being in the woods. Soon I came to a sign that pointed me in the right direction and as I started the walk home, I could see that I was still not satisfied or clear within me. I still experienced a residue of emotions. I saw that I was expecting myself to have a “sense” of clarity, meaning that I was supposed to “feel it” and from having gone from an extreme negative experience wanting to go to a positive, which is what I have done previously when I have stopped a mind-possession to “get my shit together” and then felt relieved and proud of myself for “being effective.”

But I recalled the words of other Destonians that I have heard lately: that either we walk absolutely or we do not walk at all which is the same as the point that either we are self-honest or we are self-dishonest, 100 % or nothing – there is no in between. Another point I recalled how a fellow Destonian described stopping energy addiction as driving by a road killed animal and simply passing it by, meaning not participating in the emotional and energetic experiences. Lol – I thought to myself: “I am that road kill”. Finally I stopped and I realized that “the problem” was that I was experiencing and accepting myself as less than the experiences and emotions. I did not trust myself to stop – because I had already accepted their power over me.

At this point I had gotten back on the main path and could start seeing the road I had come from. I realized that the solution was not that I was supposed to “feel it” or feel anything, but that I keep it simplistic. I can only be absolute and self-honest in one moment at a time. I can direct myself in this one moment and perfect this one moment. It is the same with thoughts. I can direct this one thought. But what I had been trying to do was to grasp everything: process, existence, the past, the future, death, life, rebirth, the group and the mind in one sweep. It was yet another point of taking short cuts that I have been writing about, where I believed that I could and should “take it all at once.” I realized that it is not possible.

So I decided to focus on this one moment, this one breath, this one thought or experience. And then I direct that and another moment arises. That I am sure of that I can direct. That I am sure of that I am responsible for. And so I realized that all I have to do to walk out of the wilderness, that in and as the mind have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, is to follow the red markings – as the practical application that those who have walked before me have placed neatly and carefully on the path – because they too have walked these woods and know how easily it is to get lost. I am grateful to them beyond words. And I trust myself that I WILL keep walking until I am “out of the woods” because what else can we do? We keep walking.

(Later today I will share a self-forgiveness post on one of the points that led up to the mind-possession that I allowed myself to immerse myself in.)

[Anna]

DAY 10: Entertainment (Part 1) = Enter-Tame-ME
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/04/26/d ... r-tame-me/

Most of us are addicted to entertainment, whether it be computer games, Tv-series, movies, going out clubbing, shopping or any other “pastime” - but we often tend to see this as perfectly normal and do not question how or why entertainment exist or why we are addicted to it. So here I will open the point of entertainment up for myself and for everyone else that has this addiction to walk through which me. I invite you to walk with me through self-forgiveness, speak the statements out loud for ourselves and realize what entertainment actually is in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, believe and experience that entertainment is “innocent fun”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and experience that I have right to entertainment in defining entertainment as a “pastime” that is required for me to “wind down” and “relax”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, define and experience that entertainment is the normal way to “wind down” and “relax”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, experience and believe that entertainment is a “treat” that I am given or give myself as a “moment of freedom” in opposition to “work”, “occupation”, “obligations” and “responsibilities”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that entertainment has been created and designed deliberately and specifically in opposition to work to create the delusion of freedom and so to make everyone accept their slaving for survival through the belief that “it is worth it”

“I see that my participation in things like porn, movies, video games, hobbies, buying things that I didn't need but allowed me to entertain myself or 'feel good', were all actually based on the same point – which was to continue feeding and sustaining my mind consciousness system so that I would be able to maintain the ability to stay 'in control' as my ego as personalities which required that I have sufficient energy in order to maintain my 'work personalities' which would be what I used in order to cope with and 'deal with' me experiencing myself has compromising myself within having to work and having to do things that I did not want to do in the name of survival and supporting myself. The personalities and the energy that I would get from entertaining myself and providing myself with distractions with any excess money that I had was what I depended on to 'get me through' my work weeks.” – Joe Kou

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fashion, clubbing, shopping, TV shows, movies, celebrities, sports, computer games and sex as entertainment is natural and normal and simply here and that I have never questioned why or how entertainment is created, why it exists in the world and who I am within, as and in relationship with entertainment

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that entertainment is created as a manifestation that exists to generate consumption and profit for the few, hope for the poor and enslaved and serve to keep the system of abuse and deception going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify for myself allowing myself to be entertained, in the belief that I need it to “unwind” and “relax”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and experience entertainment as “freedom” and thus to when I participate in entertainment, such as watching movies and TV-series or going out drinking coffee, feeling “free”

I’d like to pause for a moment here and make it clear that all of these points I am mentioning as entertainment, are not “wrong” or “bad” – so it is not about stopping watching TV-series for example or that it is not cool to go out and drink coffee. What I am writing out here is who I have been within entertainment and why entertainment is created from that perspective. So it is not about the physical acts themselves – but about how we have used them to abuse ourselves and each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself “free” when I “pass time” with entertainment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself use entertainment to “pass the time”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see time as something that has to be “passed”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time and life on passing time through preoccupying myself with entertainment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself in entertainment and within that create, manifest and participate in an alternate reality that I can submerge myself in and hide from myself and from the world and hide what is actually here as this world from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an imaginary reality based on entertainment where I can deceive myself into believing that the world is a wonderful place, that freedom and happiness is possible and that everything is fine in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tamed and tame myself through entertainment in subduing and numbing myself through watching TV all day and in allowing myself to be addicted to entertaining myself through TV, Movies, sex, relationships, food, drinks, clubbing, sport and anything else through which I can create an alternate reality so that I don’t have to face myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and experience that watching TV is saving me from my experience of myself in my life situation that I experience myself incapable of changing and stopping and as such experience and believe that I can escape from through watching TV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to watch TV series every day, all day for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch TV series all day, every day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, see, believe and define the TV as a friend, as a support, as a safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and deceive myself into believing that watching TV many hours pr. Day as normal and acceptable because everyone else is doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept, believe, define and experience TV as a parent that supports me unconditionally, to which I can turn and be embraced and stop my experience of and as myself – not realizing that I have been using TV to suppress myself and hide from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could escape my life and my experience of myself and seeing what is actually going on in the world by watching TV series

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience, define and accept the silence I experience within and as me when I watch TV series, as “relaxation” and “freedom from my thoughts” when in fact what I am doing through watching TV is suppressing myself and hiding from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the net that is covering the world of entertainment that exists to keep all of humanity enslaved in the delusion and illusion that everything is alright and well in the world, to keep all of us from realizing ourselves as who and what we have created ourselves as and who and what we have accepted ourselves to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that entertainment exists for my sake, for my pleasure, for my happiness, for my relaxation – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is exactly the belief and self-deception within which I have kept myself enslaved to and by entertainment, not realizing that entertainment existed for me to remain enslaved to, within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am kept safe when I watch TV series and that the life and world that is portrayed by the TV series is the real reality – when in fact I know that it is not and that I am hiding the real world from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that participating in entertainment could free me from myself as I experienced myself and from the world as suffering, abuse, meaninglessness and pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately – and self-deceptively – use entertainment to suppress myself and numb down my emotions and experiences of myself and what exists in and as the world so as to not have to face myself and my creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about hiding in and through entertainment because then I don’t have to face the truth about myself, the world or my creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that entertainment is just something I do that do now affect me or influence my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a constant and continuous want, need and desire for constant stimuli through entertainment to distract myself and ensure that I remain separated from myself and from the physical in and as a delusional reality in and as my mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the addiction to stimuli through entertainment is in fact addiction to the mind, to energy and thus to existing in separation of and from myself in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that entertainment through passive reception where I am deliberately separated from and separating myself from the physical and thus from myself, is real fun, real freedom, real comfortability – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the experience I get from entertainment is not real, as it is preprogrammed specifically so I would remain enslaved within and as self-deception and delusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to entertainment based on the want, need and desire to not face myself as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize, that while I am amusing myself with entertainment, deliberately with the aim of avoiding to see what is in and of the world as well as myself, beings are suffering and dying without anyone of us who actually can make a difference do so, simply because we fear facing ourselves as self-responsible for who we are and for what is here in and as this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize entertainment over actually living and expressing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I in fact was experiencing the world when I was watching TV and that I was actually experiencing life, relationships and fun when I was watching TV, when in fact I was merely preoccupying myself with and within the mind as projected onto a screen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify for myself entertaining myself based on the belief and fear that if I don’t, I will be an outcast at work or at school or with the friend group because I don’t know what they are talking about when they are talking about the newest episodes of some TV-series, and because of this have made sure that I am up to date with the latest movies and series to not “stand out” and risk being ridiculed and excluded

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ridicule and exclude others, when they were not participating in watching a particular TV show or movie and within that feel and experience myself as “important”, “knowledgeable” and “in front” without caring for or considering that person’s experience of themselves as I exclude and ridicule them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire world and environment for myself and those in my circle, revolving around watching the same TV series and movies and news programs and to experience it as perfectly normal and acceptable that this is all our lives revolve around and that we are in fact participating in something valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, experience and believe it to be a sign of success that I have watched the latest episodes of series and watched the latest movies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create hype around certain movies and movie releases and TV series and to, together with others compound and accumulate this hype, in placing value on these movies and TV series as though they are in fact of real value – while having allowed the world to go by without me paying any form of attention or care to what is actually going on in the world and what is actually going on within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the TV to be the god of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become obsessed with celebrities and to believe that celebrities are in fact worth more and more valuable than everyone else on the planet and to grant them that value by preoccupying myself with thoughts about them and energetic reactions of excitement when I see them in movies and magazines and to purchase such movies and magazines deliberately to partake in the “shine” that I believe, feel, experience and accept celebrities as having

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive and convince myself into believing that watching TV, playing computer games, going out clubbing and showing, watching sports is not an addiction or an indication that something is off because “everyone does it” – it is socially acceptable and as such we all participate in keeping the delusion up front, so that we collectively – those who have access to TV’s, money and entertainment – can hide and pretend that we have no responsibility whatsoever for what is actually happening in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care – or give a shit – about what is happening in the world – even in my own body and inside myself – because all I care about is getting my next fix of entertainment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn on the TV because I experienced it as comforting and that if I did not have it on, I felt restless, anxious and fearful of being alone with myself in silence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest, accept and participate within and as a general addiction to external stimuli through which I make sure that I remain constantly separated from myself so that I won’t realize myself and face what I have accepted and allowed in and as self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into fearing and believing that life without constant entertainment will be “unbearable”, “boring” and “trapped” and that as long as I keep stimulating myself, I will remain “free” – instead of realizing how I have deceived myself into seeing everything in reverse and that it is in fact my addiction to entertainment that is enslaving and in which I have allowed myself to become enslaved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather want to sit at home and watch TV than actually going out interacting with other humans, with life and with myself because when I do, I experience everything as “too close”, “too real” and “too complicated” compared to life in the TV series and my experiences of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself let my addiction to the mind and to thinking and to creating images, words and emotions manifest in and onto the physical reality in the form of entertainment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a want, need and desire as an addiction to the mind to constantly and continuously want more and more stimuli and information and energy to feed off of – and to have created entertainment as a secure, certain and easily obtainable source for my addiction

In relation to this I read something quite interesting here:

“…the ego is a construct of thought. It is a thought form, or rather a bundle of thought forms, one that people identify themselves with. When people identify with form, which is inherently subject to impermanence, they become anxious to try and secure themselves by adding more forms to the bundle they identify with. Celebrities are seen as having great security and comfort because of all the forms we associate them with, whereas the so-called nobodies in society are thought of as not having much security at all.

Because the ego is constantly looking for more and more forms to consume and add to itself, the ego-identified mind becomes a very noisy place to be in. There is a constant flow of compulsive thinking, usually repetitive thinking with a very low signal-to-noise ratio; thinking that is not at all creative, but feeds on itself in an infinite loop of self-obsessed mental noise that few people would consciously choose to have in their minds.

And this is one aspect of why people have a craving for entertainment: the content of their compulsive thinking is so unpleasant, that they would rather have their mental noise quota filled by derived thoughts that they get from an external source.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use entertainment in the belief that I through it, can numb down the thoughts in my mind, when in fact what entertainment is, is an extension of my mind that I have manifested and projected outside, separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become consumed by and within and consuming entertainment to apparently “fill up” the “hole/lack” I perceive myself to be – when in fact, I can never become fulfilled through entertainment as it is an insatiable desire for something separate from me, when in fact it is through my acceptance of myself as separate to begin with, that have created the experience, manifestation and acceptance of myself as “lacking”.

I will leave this part here for now and return with PART 2 tomorrow including more points of self-forgiveness and commitment statements. I can see as I open this point of entertainment up, the role it has had in my life, while in fact I have believed it to be completely and entirely insignificant and irrelevant.

[Anna]

DAY 11: Entertainment (PART 2) – Living The Word
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/04/27/d ... -the-word/

In this continuation of writing out entertainment, I look at the definition and sounding, as how we have been living the word before moving further into realizations of the word “Entertainment” and of my relationship with it. This is so that I can move deeper into the investigating on my relationship with the word and how I have been living according to it. I found something interesting on the word “entertain” in the online Etymology dictionary. Have a look:

Entertain

late 15c., "to keep up, maintain, to keep (someone) in a certain frame of mind," from M.Fr. entretenir (12c.), from O.Fr. entretenir "hold together, stick together, support," from entre- "among" (from L. inter; see inter-) + tenir "to hold" (from L. tenere; see tenet). Sense of "have a guest" is late 15c.; that of "amuse" is 1620s. Meaning "to allow (something) to consideration" (of opinions, notions, etc.) is 1610s. Related: Entertained; entertaining.

In investigating the etymology of words, I have often found that the original definition is much more descriptive and revealing of the true nature of the word, while one can see in the later definitions of the word, how it gets more concealed and “layered”. This is a good example of that, where the original definition of “entertain” meant "to keep up, maintain, to keep (someone) in a certain frame of mind” and “hold together, stick together, support”. When looking at the later definitions, it becomes more as we know the word know, as in “amuse” and “to allow to consideration”.

So the original definition clearly and specifically shows how entertainment is about keeping someone in a certain frame of mind, which was exactly what I found through my self-forgiveness in yesterday’s writing. Yet in the later definition it has been covered up with the specificity of “amusement”.

In the sounding of the word, I looked at the following:

ENTER-TAME-ME (I wrote about this yesterday as how entertainment is that which I tame myself with and through and that I have allowed myself to be tamed through)

ENTIRE-IN-MIND

Yesterday I found that entertainment (specifically TV), is a projection of the mind and as so it is in fact entirely coming from within and as the mind. This can again be connected to the original definition, that actually reveals the true nature behind the word, which essentially is to enslave us in keeping us in a specific frame of mind, where we experience ourselves “amused”, not realizing that what we are accepting and allowing is actually to enslave ourselves to a one-dimensional mind-frame in which we are being kept and held, to not actually realize ourselves.

IN-TERROR-I-AM-MEN

Humanity as we exist in a collectively self-enslavement to entertainment, is in fact a form of terror on ourselves upon Life – we are terrorizing life through preoccupying ourselves in entertainment, while actually disregarding what is going on, on earth in its entirety and in fact abusing life through our participation in entertainment as it is exactly the purpose of entertainment to keep us ignorant and dumbed down, not to mention the obscene amount of money we spent on entertainment. Consider that for a moment: we care more about being entertained in the definition of being “amused” than we care about Life. We see it as perfectly legitimate that billions are spent every day on entertainment alone and are more than willing to invest in making life dignified for all life. So an important point here is that we require being self-honest about what entertainment actually is and how it is created and how we effect the world by our participation in and acceptance of entertainment as “normal” – while in fact it is an addiction to creating imaginary realities in and through our minds to keep ourselves from facing and seeing what in fact is here and who we really are.

ENTER-TAINTED-MEN

Entertainment is the entering of the tainted and tamed men, as who we are as all of humanity, where we pretend to live out a “perfect” reality through movies and shopping and clubbing and doing drugs, where everything for a moment seems “alright” and “perfect” and “good”, while in fact this very manifestation is creating extensive consequences for all life. So our “innocent pastime” where we each partake in various forms of entertainment is actually a very specific installation of enslavement that is promulgating abuse and deception.

IN-TERRA-I-AMEND

In and on the Earth is where we will change how we have seen and used and abused entertainment – and finally bring actual self-enjoyment back to life, back to earth and back to ourselves.

END-ARE-IN-THE-MEN

And so we have reached the end – the end of entertainment starts with men, as all of us of humanity – to stop entertaining ourselves in our minds, where we are seeking constant and continuous stimuli so to not have to face ourselves and what is here as this world. It is time to re-define entertainment to a form of expression and enjoyment, that is not based on keeping ourselves enslaved to ignorance and disregard of what is best for all.

I will continue tomorrow with part 3 where I will go even deeper into my (and our) relationship with entertainment.

[Anna]

DAY 12: Entertainment (PART 3) - ENDS-IN-THE-MEN
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/04/28/d ... n-the-men/

Here I walk the 3. and last part of my writing about entertainment and how entertainment exists as a veil through which those with money cover their eyes

Read part 1 and part 2 her.

I forgive myself that I, as humanity have accepted and allowed myself to exist collectively in self-enslavement to entertainment as a form of terror upon ourselves as life

I forgive myself that I, as humanity have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself through preoccupying myself in entertainment, while actually disregarding what is going on, on earth in its entirety and in fact abuse life through my participation in entertainment as it is exactly the purpose of entertainment to keep me ignorant and numbed down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend an obscene amount of money on entertainment in all forms, where consumerism itself has become a form of entertainment that I have allowed to totally and entirely engulf my life and my participation here on earth, where I work to survive, only so that I can purchase entertainment with which I can avoid facing myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about being entertained in the definition of being “amused” than about Life, the earth, the animals, other humans or even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as perfectly legitimate that billions are spent every day on entertainment alone and that I have disregarded and refused to invest in making life dignified for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be self-honest about what entertainment actually is and how it is created and how I have affected the world, as all by and through my participation in and acceptance of entertainment as “normal” – while in fact it is an addiction to creating imaginary realities in and through my mind to keep myself from facing and seeing what in fact is here and who I am here

I forgive myself that I, as all of humanity, have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize entertainment to pretend to live out a “perfect” reality through movies and shopping and clubbing and doing drugs, where everything for a moment seems “alright” and “perfect” and “good”, while in fact this very manifestation is creating extensive consequences for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I have perceived as an “innocent pastime” where I partake in various forms of entertainment, is actually a very specific installation of enslavement that is promulgating abuse and deception.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I, within the definition of entertainment as a “pastime” have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a “pas”, as passivity, as letting the world pass by, as granting myself as “pass” from facing what is here

I commit myself to not use entertainment in any way or form to suppress myself or to avoid facing myself in self-honesty or to avoid facing what is here as this world

I commit myself to expose and reveal all ways in which entertainment has been used to deliberately cover up what is here as this world and on this earth and create an imaginary reality wherein those who have money can hide and pretend that all is fine in the world

I commit myself to share the message until all hears and sees how we collectively have held ourselves in a grip of self-enslavement and how we have used entertainment as a veil we have placed in front of our eyes to not realize who we are and what we have accepted and allowed

I commit myself to change how we have seen and used and abused entertainment – and finally bring actual self-enjoyment back to life, back to earth and back to ourselves in finding ways to express ourselves that does not compromise what is best or all life

I commit myself to stop entertaining myself in my mind, where I am seeking constant and continuous stimuli so to not have to face myself and what is here as this world.

I commit myself to re-define entertainment to a form of expression and enjoyment, that is not based on keeping ourselves enslaved to ignorance and disregard of what is best for all.

[Anna]

DAY 13: Who I am as a Cheater
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/04/29/d ... a-cheater/

My entire life I have taken short-cuts and the easy way out. I have been a cheater. As this pattern is affecting my participation in my world and my reality in many ways that are not only compromising for myself but for everyone around me, I have now decided to investigate it so that I can stop and stand up from within and as it.

This is a writing I started quite some time ago – however I did not write the self-corrective statements or how I was going to live differently according to the realizations that came up as I wrote this pattern out. So I have here revised the writing and completed it, as in walking through it and taking it through to self-correction as well as placing additional statements of self-forgiveness.

Being a cheater is quite a prominent pattern in my life. Let me first define what I mean by being a cheater.

Dictionary definition:

Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage. Deprive of something by deceitful or unfair means.

Avoid (something undesirable) by luck or skill

By being ‘a cheater’ I mean the characteristics of someone that lies and cheats to get what they want, someone that is willing to deceive to get what they want. It is thus a point of deliberate deception and deliberate lying.

When I do it, there is backchat of “ha ha, I do this because I want to – fuck everyone else” and then I feel extremely guilty afterwards. Thus is it also a pattern of polarities.

An example: I have made a self-agreement to get up immediately as I wake up, yet I have through backchat convinced myself that it is okay to sleep more. I also do it when I convince myself that it is ok to eat something that is not supportive for my body. So that is basically how this works: I convince myself, through directing myself according to thoughts/backchat – or rather submitting myself to thoughts and backchat - that it is okay to do something I have agreed not to do, or to not do something that I have agreed to do. I cheat for example when I do not want to do my school work, yet it is what is required in the moment and I instead allow myself to instead watch a movie.

So being a cheater is one of the basic components of living in deliberate interest of mind as ego. Because it is thoughts and self-talk as backchat through which I am participating in this pattern – accepting that “who I am” in that moment, is based on and defined by thoughts. I can clearly see how I have compromised self-honesty extensively because of and through accepting myself to participate and live according to this pattern.

As I started to open this point up for myself through simply looking at it within me, I saw more and more points in my life, where I have taken short cuts and cheated. I saw that basically my entire life has been a dance around only doing the easy things in Life.

When I was in kindergarten, I refused to do things that required me to sit down and focus. I experienced myself awkward when there was something I was not good at. I did not like not being good at something, it made me feel less-than and out of control.

With exams, studies and homework I have been cheating as well, not doing the work. Then when I got good grades anyway, I realized that I could cheat the system deliberately and that I merely had to be good at pretending, so I perfected it until I could simply cheat my way through education (and life in general).

When I talked to my partner about this, he mentioned that there within this point is also a point of feeling worthless and I saw how I feared failing and because of this took the easy way out.

What I am facing now is the consequences of this pattern, where I literally can’t trust myself to do what is required to be done, where I have no integrity because taking the easy way out, the short cuts in life has become an automated pattern. As soon as I experience something as difficult, I tend to take the easy way out. If I experience that I will not get an instant pay-off or get something out of it, I take the easy way out. Another point that then also stands in relation to this, is that I have only be able to do what is required to be done, as long as I experienced myself getting some form of appraisal or approval for it – that I required a reward from others to do anything. This means that I have not ever in my life, or at least barely, acted and lived in support of myself, standing in self-integrity and in support of others. This has become a definite liability, because my application within and through this acceptance and allowance has become conditioned and unstable.

The consequences are amongst other points that I am missing out of lots of opportunities. In relation to school for example, I am missing out on reading books and gathering information, I am missing out on enjoying myself in self-trust that I WILL get it done. I am missing out of being an equal participant in this world that takes self-responsibility and does whatever is required to change what is here. The point is that as I currently exist within and as this pattern, I can’t actually trust myself.

How I play out this pattern is as follows:

I am faced with a point that I for example cannot with ease apply myself within because I do not already have obtained the information. Instead of pushing myself and applying myself to get to know the point, I immediately give up on myself and on the point. What I am in fact experiencing is fear and inferiority in that moment, but then I suppress it, blame it on the point/person I am facing and turn to take the easy way out, so that I don’t have to face my fear. The same occurs when I face a point of seeing how I have been self-dishonest or not lived in a way that is best for all. Instead of immediately moving to the correction of the point that I have separated myself from/into/as, I have instead judged myself and been ashamed and from there justified not correcting myself through bullying and blaming myself and thus suppressing and separating myself from the point at hand. I have been doing this for years and now I am more or less unable to do anything that I do not already find easy or that has no reward in the form of attention, approval and appraisal from others. This limits the things I can do effectively, quite extensively.

I am pushing it though for example with Pilates, but with my studies, with the DIP or with the agreement or with walking through points, I have not. In fact most of my days goes with dancing around responsibilities, looking at what I want, what I should and should not do, how to get out of responsibilities, how I am bad because I did or did not do something, what makes me feel good (lol – I wrote “god” instead of good”) so – that which makes me feel like am an amble god. Interesting. That which makes me feel like I am a god over myself – when in fact what is god is the conditioned, preprogrammed and automated behavior that exists with the only purpose of keeping me from realizing myself as fully responsible for myself.

I can see that what is relevant is to lay out exactly how these patterns play out in my daily participation.

Now – let’s have a look at the words that came up as expanded perspectives (I used muscle communication to open up additional words in relation to the point. You can read more about muscle communication here.

Joyless – there was joy or there is a comparison to joy as it is joy-less

Quaverous – trembling from weakness

Fright – Intense fear/shock

Maltreated – treated cruelly or with violence (That which I believe gives me the “right” to cheat. Fear)

Perplex – feeling baffled

So these are the basic experiences that are the foundation of this pattern. I can see that an important part of how and why this pattern is playing out, is within how I suppress my actual experience of myself in the moment of facing that which is difficult. So I have not wanted to face myself. I see how I within this have created an ideal image of myself that I desperately have wanted to keep up in my mind, of being able, capable and amble in my participation. But within doing so, I have trapped myself in one-dimensional behavior that would not threaten my idea of myself.

Furthermore, this cheater personality have become one nasty motherfucker, deliberate. It is a coward. I am a coward pretending to be a hero. There it is. Or even a potential “hero” in the sense of someone that stands up in support of Life, pretending to be a coward.

So when I am faced with an experience that I perceive as difficult, I feel weak, I feel violated by it and by the people I blame as responsible for my experience of myself – the same happens when I perceive someone as treating me unjustly.

So these are the experiences with which I have justified me giving up on myself, the experiences I have suppressed.

The thoughts triggering this pattern are thus not conscious – the trigger is fear – the thoughts of excuses, cheating and justification are then meant to make sure I avoid the fear, avoid facing the fear so that I can keep my image of myself as able and capable and amble – and not face myself as that which I in fact am, as myself and as this world in its totality.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to take short cuts as the easy way out of situations that I experienced difficult or that did not have instant payoff in a positive experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a cheater within lying and cheating others as well as myself to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be willing to deceive to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately cheat, lie and deceive myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about cheating myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a positive energetic charge to the act of deliberately deceiving myself and others to take short cuts and the easy way out to get what I want because I within that felt and experienced myself as a “god” over myself and others, in control of the situation – not realizing that what was in control all along, was fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate in the thoughts of fucking everyone else and to within that feel good about myself as though I become more by putting others down in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in spitefulness in my mind projected towards what I perceive as everyone else, as those I experience myself hurt or restricted or judged by, when in fact it is and have always been myself

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that projecting my acceptances and allowances and responsibility for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as onto others, is in fact the epitome of spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts as back chat of the polarity of spite and guilt, where I see and experience myself either as superior to others and to myself and to the point I am facing, by perceiving myself as a good “con-artist” that is so smart that I am able to get away with cheating, or the opposite as being inferior, a bad person and weak-minded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, see, accept and experience myself as superior to others and to myself and to the point I am facing, by perceiving myself as a good “con-artist” that is so smart that I am able to get away with cheating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, see, accept and experience myself as inferior as being a bad person and weak-minded because I allow myself to cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself guilty that I have allowed myself to be spiteful in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling guilty means that I am a good person after all – not seeing that both polarities are sides of the same coin and that I, within participating in either, am creating the other and accepting myself as a slave and a subject to these two polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I feel guilty about being spiteful, and then the spitefulness is not so bad and that feeling guilty is a noble thing to do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the experience of “guilt” is orchestrated by myself as a strategic placement to justify for myself acting and living deliberately in ways that are abusive and not best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever sabotage myself through participating in back chat and I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize, that who I am as backchat cannot be trusted, as backchat is the manifestation of my deliberate abuse through fear, greed and deception

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through allowing myself to participate in back chat, have allowed myself to convince myself that it is okay to sleep more or not do my home-work or my DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and deceive myself to continue sleeping and thereby break my agreement with and as myself and make myself completely untrustworthy and unreliable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break my agreement with myself to get up immediately through participating in back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse getting up in the morning because I don’t want to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting up in the morning within having to face my acceptances and allowances and take self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself as powerful and god-like when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself through and within back chat that it is okay to eat foods that are not supporting for my human physical body when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat myself into believing that it is okay to eat foods that are not supportive for my human physical body when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that it is ok to not do things I have agreed to do and do things that I have agreed not to do when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat when I don’t want to do my school work and that I have instead allowed myself to watch a movie when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into cheating with my school work, believing that it is someone/something else I am cheating, when in fact the only one I am cheating is myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat with my school work and allow myself to watch a movie when I experience the school work as difficult, instead of pushing through the fear and resistance and allow myself to support myself to study and realize that I am not fear and that I don’t have to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse to participate in any point that requires me to sit down and focus, because I within that, am faced with myself, when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse to participate in any point that I am not good at and to feel good about that, because I have defined avoiding “bad experiences” as positive self-protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as awkward and feel anxiety when I am to participate in something that I am not good at and to justify that experience and acceptance of and for myself, by allowing myself to not push through the resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat with school work, to deliberately not do the work based on a perception and experience that I am more than the school work suppressing the experience and judgment of myself as less than the school work and to justify that experience and acceptance of and for myself, by allowing myself to not push through the resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat the system when I discovered that I could get good grades anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, define, perceive, experience and accept myself as more than and superior to the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perfect that act of cheating to the extend where everything I have been, existed and lived within and as, has been an act of cheating and deceiving and lying

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it was in fact not someone or something outside, separate from me I was cheating, but in fact myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat myself out of and from participating effectively and completely in my world and my reality

I forgive myself, that I, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as a cheater, have not accepted or allowed myself to participate effectively and unconditionally in my world and my reality, to the utmost of my ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of immediately giving up on myself, when there is something I experience as difficult and within that in fact perpetuate the experience of difficulty, by complying with it as “self-care” – instead of questioning and challenging my own self-limitations and actually realize myself and stand up

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to compromise and sabotage myself by taking the easy way out, the shortcut when faced with a point in myself or in my world and reality that I perceive as being difficult and to within that have experienced that I was doing good for myself, when in fact I was cheating myself out of living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within experiencing, perceiving, judging, defining and accepting myself as worthless and to within that support myself, but instead have been, lived and acted as a coward and have supported myself only as a cheater, as avoiding that which I found difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a consequence for and as myself, where I cannot trust myself, where I have no integrity, because I have and within having automated the pattern of suppressing myself and always take the easy way out, through complying with fear and resistance in an experience and belief as self-deception, that I am in fact supporting myself, when what I am supporting is my own cowardice and self-denial

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have sabotaged and missed out on opportunities through having abdicated myself to the pattern of taking the easy way out in all and every situation and as such diminished myself and my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and sabotage for myself the opportunity of reading books and educating myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and sabotage for myself the opportunity of enjoying myself in the self-trust that I WILL get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define, judge, experience and accept myself as more than and superior to the point I am facing as new and difficult as a strategy to cope with my experience of in fact perceiving, defining, judging, experiencing and accepting myself as inferior to the point I am facing – and instead of facing that, have accepted and allowed myself into giving up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define, experience, judge and accept myself as inferior to and less than the point I am facing as new and difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the point of facing myself in a point that is new to me, as being difficult and that I am thus less than and inferior to the point and that I should avoid it at all costs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a pattern of dancing through my day in avoidance of responsibilities and only do that which makes me feel good and what I want and prefer to do to not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as myself, in my world and my reality as a god, as the mind as backchat that I have accepted and allowed myself to obey like an obedient slave or follower, believing and trusting that as long as I do what the mind says, I will be safe – not allowing myself to realize in self-honesty, that I as the mind, is that system which I have created to separate myself from myself and not ever accept or allow myself to realize myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate god with free-choice and to believe that if I give up free choice, I cannot be god as I perceive myself, in control of my actions, myself, my life and even of others – when in fact that which is in control – and as such is god – is the mind, due to my deliberate self-abdication

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that actually being god means taking responsibility for all that is here and direct it as myself according to what is best for all in bringing all parts of myself back together here, so that I can rebirth and re-earth myself as life from the physical that I have enslaved and conditioned to existing as a minion of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience of being a god over myself and my reality within acting based on emotions, feelings, desires and fears and in that not see or realize that I have allowed the mind, myself as the mind to be the directive principle and thus god over and as me and as such that all I have ever existed as, was a slave to a conditioning program that I myself have designed to not realize my own self-abdication of myself as all life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an ideal image of myself in my mind, in separation of and from myself here and the contrary polarity of being flawed and as such exist in a constant battle between polarities, in what seemingly is a form of balance, but in which I am at constant war with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desperately want to hold onto my ideal image of myself in fear and refusal to face myself in and as self-responsibility as who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and that which I perceive and accept myself to really be, as being flawed – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding – that all that is here: is my acceptance and allowance – that it really is as simple as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a one-dimensional personality as ego of mind that I have created to not have to give up the façade and front that I have placed self-deceptively in front of my own eyes as a veil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as myself and my world and reality as a coward, that exits completely and entirely subjected to fear, in fact as a dedicated devotee of fear, that would never dare to question the “righteous path” of fear – in fear of fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself for what I perceive as me being a coward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as coward based on me being a coward as not being who, what and how I want to be and be seen as by others and as such lie to myself and convince myself that I am not a coward, when in fact it is what I am and have allowed myself to be – by subjecting myself entirely to fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that being a coward simply means allowing myself to abdicate myself to fear, allowing fear to be the directive principle of and as me

I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to investigate what fear actually is as myself and that I instead have allowed myself to abdicate myself to fear in the belief, perception, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as less than fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to fear, so that I could abdicate self-responsibility for who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive, believe and experience myself as a victim, as violated when I am faced with a situation that is not as I would want it to, believe that I am being treated unjustly by someone, something else outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, weak , violated and unjustly treated when another does something I perceive as hurting or harming me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold something, someone else responsible for my experience of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own experience of and as myself as the creator of and as my own experiences and in that abdicate self-responsibility and self-power of what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use, abuse and manipulate myself through and with this experience of being a victim, as a justification for giving up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that I am the creator of my own experience of and as myself and that I as such am responsible for all and everything that I accept and allow within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as thoughts of self-victimization and inferiority to avoid facing myself within and as the image that I have created of and as myself as more than and superior

As I had written all of this, I went back into the pattern. I literally re-engaged it and became it again, full on – and as I have been doing that I have been looking at what this pattern is. Or rather, I have faced myself within and as it brutally as it exists, as I exist in it, in its totality. I actually first wrote “as I exit in it” – and that is exactly what it is: I check out of my participation, saying “fuck everything and everyone – I will do as I please, and then do so frivolously. (excuse = the exit I use) Then I feel immense guilt and shame afterwards and judge myself, believing that what I have done, who I am is unforgivable. What I am seeing is that this pattern indeed is a Christian pattern, because I experience and perceive myself as a sinner, as having sinned before god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in sin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a sinner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believed that I have sinned when I allowed myself to deliberately abuse and cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in sin in and as a moral polarity relationship to sanctity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a saint

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a saint

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define saints as good and positive and sinners as bad and negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity relationship to, towards the words saint and sinner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a polarity relationship between the words saint and sinner

Another point I have been looking at, as I woke up this morning after yet another day of “cheating”, was that this is the stuff child molesters are made up – it is the most intense form of spite and deliberateness there exist. And I exist as that, right here, right now. It is not a past pattern that I have pushed and moved through. It is a part of the reality of who I am here. It is why I gave up on myself, it is who I allowed myself to be when I gave up on myself, when I refused to see and stand up for what is best for all.

I see my partner and the other Destonians applying themselves relentlessly and I pretend that I am like them, to not be exposed as the cheater I have allowed myself to become, yet at the same time live the exact opposite as pretending to myself that I am a sinner/cheater/coward, to justify for myself to keep deliberately abusing – when in fact I can simply stand up as an equal, equally responsible for what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am effective in my application, so to not be exposed as the cheater that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I have been hiding behind being a cheater, to not actually allow myself to stand up in self-trust

I can see now how the jealousy towards others, the belief that I am inadequate, are all smoke screens that I have used to victimize myself, to not have to face myself in and as the brutality of this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as jealousy and the belief that I am inadequate as a point of manipulation to victimize myself to not have to face myself in and as the brutality of the deliberate abuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as

When I look at the point within me, I see it as a huge problem, as something dangerous living inside me, as me existing as a point of danger, a deliberate evil. I still fear being evil and I see that I have no choice but to accept the fact that I am. In that way, evil is to deliberately use one’s power to inflict harm onto others or self, simply because it fits one’s personal interest. It is interesting that this point imply a point of power, because within that one also has the option to act differently – yet do not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, experience and believe that I have something dangerous existing inside me that I exist as a point of danger, as a deliberate evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe that I am evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as evil by existence – and thus within that separate myself from myself as the evil that I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as – as well as from myself as existence as all that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, within and as that which I have perceived, judged and defined as deliberate evil – as doing harm onto another/self deliberately through using power to serve one’s own interest as ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as that which I perceive as deliberate evil and within that suppress myself as that which I have perceived to be deliberate evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and will never be forgiven for having accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately evil and that I don’t deserve to be forgiven, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that only I can forgive myself and that self-forgiveness is an act of taking self-responsibility and correcting myself to change – and that not forgiving myself is therefore the same as deliberately not changing myself

If I can forgive Hitler or Anu and if they can forgive themselves – if anyone can, then I can too.

Nothing can be too “sacred” as too profane to be forgiven – that would be arrogant – whereas unconditionally forgiving oneself, is in fact an act of humbleness – lol saying that I am “too bad” for self-forgiveness is indeed a major point of self-deception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that saying that I am “too bad” to be forgiven, to forgive myself or to deserve forgiveness, is in fact a point of major self-deception, as self-forgiveness is the very act of facing myself in self-honesty and taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and to commit myself to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility for having allowed myself to exist and accepted myself as deliberately abusing another/self through power to serve myself as ego

So this is what I am facing. This is what I am facing myself as, these “small” thoughts as back chat where I say to myself that I will take the easy way out, take the short cut.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-talk as back-chat in the mind where I speak to myself that it is okay to compromise myself, to take short cuts and to take the easy way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself and this pattern way too seriously, in perceiving and accepting that this is really who and what I am, instead of supporting myself to sort myself out and focus on the solution instead of the problem within and as seeing myself as a “sinner”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see points that emerge from within and as the mind, as gifts and opportunities for me to face myself and stand up from within and as the mind

So let’s have a look at this point from the perspective of it being a gift.

The first point I see is not a gift at all. I looked at sharing the point with the Destonians and I see that I am miles apart from who I believe they perceive me as, from who and what I want to be perceived as.

Is this the most evil point that exists within and as me, the most evil point I exist as? (Again I wrote “exit as…”- Exit as: walk out/way out of)

Yes it is. Because this point is the starting-point for all other evils, torture, abuse, child molestation, rape. It is cool from that perspective: I am from a certain perspective, facing the most evil side and part of myself. And at least I see it. At least I have brought it here for myself to face, embrace, stop and change.

It is interesting that “evil” specifically exists within and as a moral judgment vs. evil, exactly as sinning is the moral polarity of sainthood or goodness. Interesting: I keep writing exit instead of exist and now I wrote “goodness” instead of goodness. So it is the exit of god, the exit out of god – the abdication of godliness that is perceived as sin – accepting that with god as the only savior is then what makes the saint. The insistence and creation of abdication of responsibility. And it is the utmost expression of superiority, saying “I am good, my life is good – so I can do what I want, because it is not me that is going to face the consequences” – obviously that is also delusional because there is no escape from consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can do what I want in the belief that I am not accountable for my actions and that I don’t have to face the consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dilute and deceive myself into believing that it is possible to escape the consequences of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, create and manifest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe, define, experience and accept myself as superior within the belief that I don’t have to face the consequences of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a an arrogance as ego as superiority in the belief that I am and can be free from consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my belief that I can be free from consequence on having lived with money my entire life not having to stand accountable or responsible for myself in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dilute and deceive myself into believing that my actions to do not have consequences and that I am free to do what I want, when I want it, how I want it, with who I want to

So how am I facing this point? My experience has changed, I am more stable now, interestingly enough within the realization that this is as evil as it gets. If I can forgive this point, I can forgive anything. And also it is about facing the reason we are here where we are, in total separation, abuse and inequality, exactly because of this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to and as the mind as ego in living, existing and acting according only to that which serves my interest as ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into and as an existence based on deliberate abuse through power and superiority towards that which I perceive and believe myself as having power over as inferior to me

Relevant words to look at within investigating the origin of this point are:

Emotions:

“Nonchelant” - “not concerned”

“Restrict” - deprive of freedom of movement

Oblyquy – strong public condemnation

Feelings:

Lighthearted – as being a light worker. “Someone that has the light in their heart”.

So what I am seeing is actually that this point pertains to the totality of my existence. In my walking with the light, I have actually existed as this point of deliberate evil, yet in perceiving myself as a saint. In that, I have experienced myself restricted and feared public condemnation in that my secret would be revealed.

I forgive myself that I, within walking with the light as the belief in heaven, ascension and a godly existence, have allowed myself to exist in deliberate abused through and as ego

I forgive myself that I, within walking with the light, have perceived myself as sanctified and righteous while in fact I was allowing myself to exist as evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of being exposed and revealed as that deliberate abuser that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of exposing myself to myself as what I have accepted and allowed as deliberate abuse, onto someone, something, outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as deliberate abuse as that which I have defined as evil and within that abdicated self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the light is righteous and good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the darkness is bad and evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I, within walking with the light, am good and righteous.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within walking with the light, I have in fact only cared about myself as fear in and as ego of the mind

The secret that I don’t care or concern myself within anything or anyone because I perceive myself as above everything and everyone. I am surprised to discover that this pattern relates to my walking with the light – because I have perceived it entirely in its totality as the exact opposite, as devilish and cruel. Wow – so this was what I, as the light refused to face – my own deliberate inconsideration of what is here.

I forgive myself that I, within and as walking-with and as the light have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into pushing that away through which I could change myself in self-honesty and instead embrace only self-deception in beliefs about who and what I was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the light as a diversion and deception to hide my own darkness and self-honesty from myself and as such have created a positive polarity as that which I only allowed myself to see and experience myself as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the light to escape myself as the darkness

I forgive myself that I, within and thorough walking-with/as the light as a positive charged polarity have suppressed and separated myself from myself as darkness, as the truth of me and within that perceive, define, judge and fear myself as being evil

My own claim to free-choice based on the perception and experience that I am more-than what is here and therefore do not have to suffer the consequences. This makes perfect sense. And I have feared facing this point within and as me; I have resisted facing myself as it and as such made myself a complete slave to this point. So what I am facing in my daily participation, where I have deliberately turned my back on what is best for all, is a representation of what I have allowed as the totality of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my back on what is best for all as the manifestation of the totality of my existence as who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

And as I have burning desires to go against the rules, I equally have a desire to be the perfect slave, the perfect soldier of god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a burning desire to go against all rules and as a polarity to that have desires to be the perfect slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk-with the light specifically to have something to follow outside separate from me that promised a hope of escaping of facing myself instead of actually walking here, self-directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the perfect solider for god, the blind follower that follows in blind trust, so that I can avoid taking self-responsibility

So in my unwillingness to face myself in and as this point in self-responsibility, I have given my power of myself to it and thus made it “impossible” to direct myself to change.

I forgive myself that I, in my unwillingness to face myself in and as this point in self-responsibility, I have given my power over myself to the fear of facing myself and within that made it seemingly “impossible” for me to direct myself to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the belief, perception, experience and acceptance that it is impossible for me to change myself as a justification for not changing

Because as I was trying to change, it was from within the light itself, in believing I must renounce darkness, reject it, avoid it – while actually this point WAS the light itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change from within walking-with the light in the belief that I must fight against, avoid and reject darkness , while in fact it was within the light itself that I had deceived myself, cheated myself, separated myself and deliberately harmed and abused based on the perception, belief and self-definition that I am superior and more-than what is here as the manifested consequence of what I have accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself as darkness, as the origin of me, in self-honesty facing who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I will face and am facing the consequences of this acceptance and allowance and that those consequences are my own creation. “All” I can do is to face myself, embrace myself and from here, stop, stand up and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be able to do what is required to be done, as long as I experience myself getting a reward from outside of myself, as appraisal or approval and as such that I have created within me a “requirement” of what I have perceived, experienced and accepted as a reward from others to do anything or move myself

I forgive myself that I, within, through and because of this self-imposed condition and limitation have not ever acted or lived in full and unconditional support of myself and of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I, within, through and because of this self-imposed condition and limitation have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, live and exist as a liability where I cannot be trusted or trust myself to move myself and as such that my application within and through this acceptance and allowance has become conditioned and unstable and compromised and diminished

I forgive myself that I, Instead of immediately moving to the correction of the point that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from/into/as, instead have judged myself and been ashamed and from there justified not correcting myself through bullying and blaming myself and thus suppressing and separating myself from the point at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into a manifestation, consequence and condition where I have become more or less unable and conditioned to do anything that I do not already find easy or that has no reward in the form of attention, approval and appraisal from others and that I as such have limited and diminished myself to the utmost extend

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the “god” I have been submitting myself to unconditionally as fear, backchat and the pattern of cheating within the perception of being a “god” as in control over and of myself, is the conditioned, preprogrammed and automated behavior that exists with the only purpose of keeping me from realizing myself as fully responsible for myself.

Self-Commitment and Correction

I commit myself to support myself to stop all participation in back-chat as I realize that I, as back-chat, as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to, that which I have given the responsibility for me, to direct and guide me, is in fact based on fear – and cannot be trusted, as it will always and only lead me to not stand up or realize myself as life – as all it is and exist as and consist of in its “core” – is fear of loss.

I commit myself to stop all points of self-justification through thoughts, backchat, emotions, feelings and reactions wherein and from I have allowed myself to cheat myself through the belief that I am doing myself a favor by avoiding the “bad” – while in fact, this is a point of self-deception where all I am avoiding is the realization – and thus change – of myself as the truth of me, as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I realize that I have never actually valued myself and that I have created a pattern to make life more easy for myself, but all I did was to suppress myself to avoid facing myself and taking self-responsibility and because of this, I missed out on so many opportunities to live and stand and move myself effectively in and as the world

I commit myself to redefine the word “discipline” to a word wherein and from I stand equal to in self-dedication, integrity and dignity to all in all ways – according to what is best for all – and to stop all points of procrastination, deception, abuse, cowardice and fear

I commit myself to support myself to face myself as the truth of who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, exist and live as, without self-judgment or blame – and to immediately bring myself to self-forgiveness, in understanding that self-forgiveness is not about “deserving it” – but about taking responsibility for giving myself back to myself and as such take self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and through that change myself into a being that stands and live and acts only that which is best for all life

I commit myself to remain here and to perfect and purify my actions, words, movements until only that which is best for all remains

I commit myself to walk in self-honesty through the pattern of cheating and to see, identify and flag point all points of participation wherein I utilize and activate and go into the pattern of cheating – in the realization that I have only done this deliberately to not face myself in and as fear – and to avoid facing myself in the totality of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and as such abdicate self-responsibility, so that I can keep living in deliberate ignorance and justification of my abuse against myself as life

I commit myself to stop all points of abuse against myself as life and to support myself to stand within and as unconditional self-support, embracing myself as the evil that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I commit myself to face myself with open eyes and to stand within the realization that seeing and interpreting myself and my actions through self-judgment is NOT having open and self-honest eyes

I commit myself to stop all self-judgment as I realize that the purpose of self-judgment is for me to procrastinate the point of self-forgiveness, self-correction and change

I commit myself to support myself to bring myself back here in every moment of every breath that I am participating within and from and as the mind and to support myself to direct myself to breathe through any and all experiences that may come up

I commit myself to stop all relationships that I have created through memories with thoughts that I have attached emotional experiences to in and through which I have allowed myself to become possessed and submerged and to establish a relationship of self-honesty, self-dignity, integrity and self-trust and self-intimacy within and as myself.

Until it is done.

[Anna]

DAY 14: Reality check
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/01/d ... ity-check/

I have been reading blogs from the Destonians blog in the 7 year journey to life and I must say that I have never in my life read anything as supportive and self-honest as these blogs. I am grateful beyond words for the blogs that are being written and would like to take this opportunity to say thank you! I have added excerpts from some of the blogs I have read today below my writing that assisted me immensely.

For today’s writing, I had a reality check. I had written an entire writing that I did not post yesterday because it was not finished and that I then muddled over all day today in terms of how to “bring the point through” within myself. It was not effective. So what I did instead was to read these blogs of other Destonians and that assisted me. In fact I experienced that some of the blogs were written for me. If you have not yet heard about the 7 year journey to Life, I suggest checking it out here.

So, for today’s blog I will leave the point I have been writing about aside for tomorrow, to allow myself to do a reality check where I stop for a moment and allow myself to be humble and simply write out what is here. The point I have been looking at lately is how I perceive myself as "who I am" according to "what I do" and how I perceive what I do. This has the result that my experience, perception and definition of myself is unstable, conditioned as it changes with my perception of what I do. So this is what I am here to look at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is what I do that determines who I am, instead of realizing that it is who I am that determines what I do, how I do it and who I am within it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that it is who I am that determines what I do and not what I do that determines who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change who I am, by changing what I do and how I do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, that if or when I change what I do and how I do it, I will change as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to change who I am, by changing what I do – not realizing that what I do, and whether it is best for all, is determined by who I am, as who and what I accept and allow myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate changing who I am, by preoccupying myself with attempting to change what I do and how I do it, not realizing that no matter how much I try changing what I do, it will not matter if I don’t change who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself – and value myself – based on what I do believing, experiencing and accepting that how I and others value what I do, is what makes me who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I cannot change who I am, by changing what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my experience, perception, definition, belief and acceptance of who I am, based on what I do – believing that what I do, changes who I am and as such exist in and as instability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, experience, perceive, believe and accept who I am based on my perception and judgment of what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, experience, perceive, believe and accept who I am in relation to others in and as how I perceive myself according to their perceived valuing of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change what I do, in the hope, wish, desire and believe that it would change who I am, not realizing that what I do, does not matter until or unless ‘who I am’ is standing for what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the “doing” of self-forgiveness means that I am “forgiven”, not realizing that self-forgiveness in fact is a statement of change, of self-realization to take self-responsibility and that if I do not live the responsibility that I have emerged through self-honesty, I have written self-forgiveness in vain and in vanity as make myself “appear” as something without actually and in fact change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, judge, define, experience and accept myself as “too far gone”, that it is impossible for me to stand up now – that it is too late, that I have changed too much – instead of seeing and realizing that the reason why I am not changing is because I have not directed myself to change myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that making the decision to change myself, in fact means directing myself in every moment to act accordingly – that the decision to change is not something that happens in the mind as an “intention” but that in fact is a constant living declaration of my decision to change that I can only apply within and as the moment I am faced with/facing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that what I do is determined by who and what I allowed myself to be and as such until I face and direct who I am, as who and what I allow myself to be, what I do is irrelevant from the perspective that I will simply direct myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to effectively direct myself within what I do because I have not allowed myself to stand stable in self-trust within and as who I am determined and directive within the decision to walk and live what is best for all – as stopping that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in and as the automated patterns of and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on ideas that I have designed and developed through years of participation into personalities, where my actions are conditioned and limited to live according to these ideas and where I have not actually been living or participating here, because I have been preoccupied in my mind in a delusional reality that I have acted out onto and forced into physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, perceive and believe that I don’t know how to be “who I am” – if I don’t base “who I am” on calculations of ‘profit’ in terms of getting energy from the attention of others or complying with fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that when what I do, is unaligned to what is best for all, and as such unaligned to what is best for me, it is not (necessarily or only) about changing what I do – but about changing the starting-point of who I am and investigate for myself in self-honesty who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and accept myself as, as “who I am”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I am able to change the starting-point of who I am, through directively changing myself in practical application, yet that it is not the practical application that “makes” who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to take self-responsibility for and stand self-responsible for who I am and how who I am affects and influences my world and my reality as all that is here, believing that if I simply “do” and “act” “the part” I will have done “my part” – not realizing that if I do not direct myself to take self-responsibility for who I am in each moment, who I am will be determined by my past acceptances and allowances as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only on changing what I do and in that seeing that it is what I do that is “the problem” and thus the solution – instead of seeing and realizing that I determine what I do, based on who and what I accept myself as and as such that if I do not directively direct who I am, and self-honestly investigate who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as – I will allow myself to be directed by, as and within self-interest as ego because that is who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live as

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that if I do not directively direct myself towards and according to what is best for all, I allow myself to direct myself and be directed by self-interest of and as ego and as such as abuse, deception and separation – and therefore I am responsible for the abuse and suffering that exists in the world – whether I direct myself or not, but only by directing myself can I stop and change what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I allow myself to act in ways that is not aligned to what is best for all – and that as such is abusive, deceptive and delusional, then it is because there is something wrong with what I do – believing that I must change what I do – instead of realizing in self-honesty, that it is who I am, as who I allow myself to be, that determines whether what I do, is best for all

I commit myself to investigating who I am in self-honesty as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as in detail and depth until no part of me is here that I am not directively directing

I commit myself to walk a self-directive process of changing who I am, as all points and parts that are not standing for what is best for all and that are existing conditioned to and enslaved to the past

I commit myself to stop attempting to change myself through changing what I do and instead, when and as I see a point where I have allowed myself to live unaligned to what is best for all, to align this point/part/personality as “who I am” to what is best for all, through a self-directive process of changing my starting-point of who I am and through this, change my living application

I commit myself to, when I see that what I do is not aligned to what is best for all, to investigate my starting-point of “who I am” and to take self-responsibility for changing and aligning who I am to what is best for all

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so tacitly define myself as a failure that when opportunities of success came along I would immediately fall back and retract because I had already decided within myself that it was useless to even try, because I was already fucked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the personality design of ‘I am a failure’ and to allow this personality to run on autopilot behind everything that I participated in.” - Lindsay Craver's Journey to Life Blog.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with the fact that I have been spiteful, manipulative, and 'evil' within me and within the relationships I have had in my world where due to the extent to which I had abdicated my own point of caring about myself as life, I extensively abused, manipulated, and deceived others because I regarded 'others' with the same disdain and disrespect that I had for myself.” – Joe Kou's Journey to Life Blog

"I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the thought of “I regret because I’ve missed a chance to…” is a red flag to turn the point back to myself and see the REAL point that I’ve missed which is ME, as a living expression of Life as the Physical due to being occupied in my mind within thoughts, feelings and emotions." - Maya Harel's Journey to Life Blog

[Anna]

DAY 15: Pain Support (PART 1) - Demolishing My Ivory Tower
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/02/d ... ory-tower/

For weeks I have been experiencing pain in my left hip. Immediately when I look at the point I see the hip representing femininity, fertility and since it is the left hip, it has to do with self-expression and the “feminine” side of myself. The hip is also related to movement, the ability to move flexibly. There is furthermore a point of “weakness” in my “base structure” as indicated by the pain in the hip.

I have used a suggestion from Sunette Spies as to how to investigate the pains that come up in the human body and how they relates to points one is walking in one’s process.

1) Allocate the pain and place a gentle pressure. If one cannot reach it oneself, one can get a partner or someone that one trusts to do it.

2) “See” and feel within oneself if an experience or emotion comes up through the solar plexus.

3) Investigate the back chat (as self-talk in the head) that one has been participating within. If the experience/emotion and the backchat refers to the same point, then this is the point one is working with

4) Release the point through self-forgiveness

The main point that comes up is: “conflict”.

The points I have been looking at lately is how my writings have not been effective from the perspective, that I have not effectively lived the corrections I have prescribed for myself. In that, I have created a time-loop for myself within attempting to force myself into an application of “perfection” as an ideal – while actually not being able to “live up” to this ideal and as such have to “fall” to be able to stop – clear myself and go back and get myself again in who and what I really am.

What often happens when I face a point, is that I get angry with myself that it exists and that I have not directed it effectively in the past – and as such, instead of sitting myself down and writing it out, I have used laziness and come up with excuses not to write myself out. So I have rather wanted to remain in my delusional self-definition than actually facing myself. Through the hip I am now “calling myself out”.

There are many factors playing in with the hip – pushing myself too hard in Pilates, going into competition, abusing myself in other points – in a polarity of “too hard” and “too soft”. So these are further indicators of the same point: not effectively nurturing myself. Not being patient with myself.

So why am I not being patient with myself?

I am not being patient with myself because I am not satisfied with my application. I think that I should push harder, push more, do more – be better. I think that I should get more satisfaction out of sex, that I should lose weight from Pilates, that I should be able to do it all in one day. I think that it is too hard and that I am allowed to lax and “let go”.

As I am writing this, I experience a stinging pain in my hip – so that is a cool sign: I am on the spot. The pain activated specifically in relation to the word “should.”

I live the word ‘should’ in a battle with myself – a battle between the lazy side of myself and the pushing, militant side. ‘Should’ is an indication that I am walking for something/someone else – in separation of and from myself. This is thus a polarity relationship in and between which I live and exist, polarized and energized. And the hip is what is taking the toll on this. The physical hip is being harmed through my pulling and pushing between these sides of myself.

So patience is realizing that we are in a time-space reality and that what and who is here as me is what I can direct. I cannot direct myself according to ideals/ideas/sins/desires/fears or “should’s”.

"Patience - Patience is a movement of self, it is standing within the center of self/self's beingness holding existence within self as the beacon, the pillar of/as self and within that equal and one stand as and with existence self-know: what I speak, how I live and as I lead - the certainty of who I am as existence is here as me, and I walk in every moment with/as breath as this certainty that is trust of me as existence: that I remain, that I stand and whatever shall come to pass - we'll be here. Patience is thus the certainty of self's trust in who self is and knowing/living that what we walk for/as existence will stand/remain as self - whatever the outcome may be for all." - Sunette Destonian Spies

So – the words I am looking at here are: Hip, Laziness, Should and Patience.

The hip is the physical manifestation of this point – where the abuse becomes evident and brought to the forefront. It should not have to be like that, that a pain or a point of abuse has to manifest before we are willing to direct ourselves. In this is both the word “should” again – but also a point of self-correction, to, when it is clear that I am not satisfied, that I am suppressing this and such experiences, that I do not just ignore it or write it off as “training ache” but actually bring myself to a point of direction and realization. It is no different in the big picture of the world-system and the pain and suffering that exists as the manifested consequence of our self-abdication.

So here I can see that it is indeed about a point where I am “out of balance” – but even balance in itself signifies that there is a constant weighing between two points, through which an ‘equilibrium’ must be maintained, which is the motion of swinging from polarities. Then I am lazy and then I push myself too hard. Then I overdo something in ego and competition and then I give up on myself and feel useless. As I saw myself participating in back chat of being judged by someone and at the same time saw how I was projecting my own self-judgment onto them and in turn judged them, I also experienced a sharp pain in my hip. I can see how I judge back chat, thoughts and the mind in general which shows me that I have not gotten it, from the perspective of reconciling myself with the fact that backchat is who and what I have allowed myself to become and thus not something I can claim that I am not. In fact I require embracing myself to forgive myself in self-honesty and take self-responsibility.

The HIP

“The hip joint, scientifically referred to as the acetabulofemoral joint (art. coxae), is the joint between the femur and acetabulum of the pelvis and its primary function is to support the weight of the body in both static (e.g. standing) and dynamic (e.g. walking or running) postures. The hip joints are the most important part in retaining balance. The pelvic inclination angle, which is the single most important element of human body posture, is adjusted at the hips.”[1]

Dictionary definition:

hip1

n noun

1 a projection of the pelvis and upper thigh bone on each side of the body. Ø(hips) the circumference of the body at the buttocks.

2 the edge formed where two sloping sides of a roof meet.

PHRASES

be joined at the hip informal (of two people) be inseparable.

The words that stand out (I wrote: “up”) – lol – the words that stand up, or the words with which I direct myself in, as and through the hip are “projection”, “edge” and “joined” – so “who I am” in what I referred to previously is largely defined through a projection, where I am not moving or acting Here as myself, but always in a relationship in my mind towards something or someone, even myself. The consequence of this, is that I am living “on the edge”, meaning for example living “on the edge” of my physical capacities, always trying to balance out the two parts of me, the “too much” and the “too little” – through which I have formed and created an unnatural “equilibrium” – a balance that at any point can tip and switch from one to another, where no really stability is here, because I am not here directing myself in, into and as stability – but instead being preoccupied with projections. “Joined” at the hip refers to two people that are inseparable which here refers to the two polarity points in the relationship through which I exist. But it is also “joint” as that point which is the joining together of parts – which is obviously indicated in its reverse of being at war with oneself.

Etymology:

hip (n.1)

"part of the body where pelvis and thigh join," O.E. hype "hip," from P.Gmc. *hupiz (cf. Du. heup, Ger. Hüfte, Goth. hups "hip"), from PIE *qeub- "to bend." Hip of a roof is from late 17c.

Through the hip, we can bend the body, turn the body, carry the meat of the body and the skeleton as well as provide stability in the entire physical. The hip is thus an important part of an effective living as a human being. If the hip is out of whack – lol – the rest of the body suffers. The body must also currently carry the mind that as a heavy shadow of memories, energy and information invades the physical that is forced to carry more weight than it is designed to.

So – the hip is responsible for bending. The first point I saw in relation to this was “flexibility”. Another point I saw was the ability to bend down and stand up when needed and this is interesting in relation to the point that has emerged here, because this point exactly shows how I am inflexible in my ability to “relax” and “bend” and to conversely “stand up” when required as something I simply do – as automated as we move the body – as required. I have however created an artificial version of this in separating myself from myself as “stability”, “flexibility” and “balance”. Even in writing this I wanted to simply write “separating myself from stability” – which indicates that I actively don’t accept or recognize myself as stability. So in this artificial “equilibrium” I must spend lots of energy maintaining a “balance” that because it is not real balance, a natural balance, must constantly be adjusted. I lax and then I become angry at myself and force myself to “do what is required to be done” – but in that, in both points, I am not here, I am not considering what is best for all from a starting-point of self – I am instead looking from within a fight with myself where I see, perceive, experience and accept myself as the “lax” “sinner” and try to become and live up to the “saint” as a stipulate that has been created by someone else, outside separate from me. “If you do not become a good girl, you cannot participate.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according and in relation to the word “should” as a point of direction based in, of and as separation of and from myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from walking principled within and as what is best for all, through seeing that I “should” do “what is best” – though actually stating and accepting that I am not already that which is best and that I have to force what is best onto myself – while I am in fact suppressing myself and creating an inner war, because I am not being self-honest about who I am, as who I have allowed myself to be and instead have accepted myself as a follower, following a principle that I am in fact not standing by within and as myself





I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that there is a “weakness” in my “base structure” as indicated by the pain in the hip showing me that I am out of balance

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the points I am not walking effectively within and according to what is best for all, indicates that there is a weakness in my foundation – as my base structure and starting-point in who and what I accept myself as and what I accept and allow myself to participate within and as – where I am allowing myself to live self-dishonestly, in self-delusion and deception as self-interest and as such in abuse of myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the points that I am not walking effectively within and according to what is best for all, cannot be changed by me attempting to force myself through the word “should” as imposed external morality, in which I separate myself and create a polarity relationship – but only by me facing myself in self-honesty as “who I am” and take self-responsibility for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write out specifically the immediate points I am facing and that I instead have attempted to walk points that I had not yet aligned myself to and as such have created a separation in which I have created a time-loop for myself in and as self-denial and self-dishonesty about who and what I am that could only fall, so that I could walk back to where I left myself and thus start over – which had been unnecessary, had I only walked the points at hand instead of attempting to align myself to an ideal in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to force myself into an application of perfection as an ideal while actually not being able to “live up” to this ideal and as such have to “fall” to be able to stop – clear myself and go back and get myself again in who and what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and experience anger, judgment and self-blame when I see who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as, as self-abuse, abuse, greed and deception and as such, instead of sitting myself down and writing it out, have used laziness as self-suppression and come up with excuses not to write myself out and face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather want to remain in my delusional self-definition as an ideal in my mind than actually face myself in self-honesty and as such create a time-loop of self-deception and delusion that I have to walk through and fall within and create manifested consequences for me to face myself through, so that I can get back to the exact point I separated myself from, into and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through my self-abdication and deliberate self-denial have accepted and allowed myself to make it necessary for myself to manifest pain as consequence in order to “call myself out” thus allowing myself to abuse the body instead of simply having faced myself directly and immediately and as such walked through the point directly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a polarity relationship and within that a fake equilibrium of pushing myself too hard and too little and as such exist in a constant energetic tension as a war within and between parts of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to nurture myself effectively – in any way what so ever and that I in fact have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and disregard myself in any and all way, only caring about that which took me away from here, through which I could suppress myself and dilute myself into a mental reality in my mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant equilibrating polarity relationship between “too hard” and “too soft” wherein and from I have attempted to move myself to only one polarity – as what I perceive and believe I “should” do and be, not realizing or admitting to myself that polarities can only exist in a relationship and that if I am not living something as myself consistently, then the point has to do with my starting-point as who and what I allow myself to be, live and exist as and that until I bring this back to myself in self-honesty, I will continue looping between polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as thoughts as self-talk that I should push harder, push more, do more – be better. That I think that I should get more satisfaction out of sex, that I should lose weight from Pilates, that I should be able to do it all in one day. That I think that it is too hard and that I am allowed to lax and “let go”.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the only way I can exist within and as a war with myself against “sinning” and “temptations” – is if I am allowing myself to be directed by, with and as the mind – in abdication of myself here as the directive principle as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should push harder, push more, do more – be better and as such confirm the starting-point that I have accepted for and as myself: that I am flawed, lacking, missing out on and not good enough and compound this self-acceptance by forcing it into actual manifestation through my constant and continuous application according to it – where I have eventually accepted and allowed myself to in fact be and become “lacking” as in not giving myself to myself the self-respect and dignity to stand up for what is best for all as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should get more satisfaction out of sex, that I should lose weight from Pilates, that I should be able to do it all in one day and as such direct myself according to a condition of “should” as a belief and assumption that I have abdicated myself into and as, as an external point of reference that I have related myself to in and as separation of and from myself – because I don’t stand in self-trust in a clear starting-point and foundation of self-direction of who and what I will accept or allow myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is too hard and that I am allowed to lax and “let go” and as such allow myself to manipulate, deceive and lie to myself to not have to face myself and as such change myself and take self-responsibility and give up that which I have defined as valuable and as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word ‘should’ in and as a battle with myself – a battle between the lazy side of myself and the pushing, militant side – which is actually in insisting on separating myself from myself in not bringing the point of direction back to myself in and as self-responsibility and instead having projected my self-direction onto a point/person/principle outside separate from ,that I, because I see myself separate from it, have allowed myself to justify “not living up to” and as such deceive myself into accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and everyone else so that I can continue living in self-interest

I forgive myself that I, through attempting to live according to the word “should” as a point of direction outside separate from me, as a moral guideline to what is acceptable and not, have accepted and allowed myself to walk for something/someone else – in separation of and from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the hip to take the toll on my accepted and allowed self-abdication and as such allow the physical hip to be harmed and abused through my pulling and pushing between these sides of myself and as such having accepted and allowed myself to abuse and harm the hip in my attempt to create an artificial balance as equilibrium – instead of pushing myself to stand here consistently in self-trust directing myself in and as what is best for all as an expression of myself as who and have I accepted and allowed myself to be and live as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I exist in a time-space reality and that what and who is here as me in each moment, is what I can direct and that I cannot direct myself according to ideals/ideas/sins/desires/fears or “should’s” – because that is then not me directing me in fact.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to patiently develop a principled foundation as the starting-point in and from which I walk and participate in my world and my reality and that I instead have accepted and allowed myself to create an ivory tower in my mind, that was not based on a foundation of all and that therefore had to fall and that I then had to build up again and again every time it fell because I refused to realize the truth of myself – that I had no foundation at all and that I can only create myself as an effective home, by creating a solid foundation which I only can create once I have removed the rubble from all the ivory towers I have attempted to build myself into and as and on top of each other

"Patience - Patience is a movement of self, it is standing within the center of self/self's beingness holding existence within self as the beacon, the pillar of/as self and within that equal and one stand as and with existence self-know: what I speak, how I live and as I lead - the certainty of who I am as existence is here as me, and I walk in every moment with/as breath as this certainty that is trust of me as existence: that I remain, that I stand and whatever shall come to pass - we'll be here. Patience is thus the certainty of self's trust in who self is and knowing/living that what we walk for/as existence will stand/remain as self - whatever the outcome may be for all." - Sunette Destonian Spies

The hip is the physical manifestation of this point – where the abuse becomes evident and brought to the forefront. It should not have to be like that, that a pain or a point of abuse has to manifest before we are willing to direct ourselves. In this is both the word “should” again – but also a point of self-correction, to, when it is clear that I am not satisfied, that I am suppressing this and such experiences, that I do not just ignore it or write it off as “training ache” but actually bring myself to a point of direction and realization. It is no different in the big picture of the world-system and the pain and suffering that exists as the manifested consequence of our self-abdication.

So here I can see that it is indeed about a point where I am “out of balance” – but even balance in itself signifies that there is a constant weighing between two points, through which an ‘equilibrium’ must be maintained, which is the motion of swinging from polarities. Then I am lazy and then I push myself too hard. Then I overdo something in ego and competition and then I give up on myself and feel useless.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to move myself here but always in a relationship in my mind towards something or someone, even myself – thus as parts relating to each other, which essentially is a form of a war, because these parts are me as one and as such there can only be one, one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to balance out the two parts of me, the “too much” and the “too little” – through which I have formed and created an unnatural “equilibrium” – a balance that at any point can tip and switch from one to another, where no really stability is here, because I am not here directing myself in, into and as stability – but instead being preoccupied with projections.

(To be continued)

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[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hip

[Anna]

Day 16: Physical Pain Support (PART 2) – Establishing myself as a Powerhouse
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/03/d ... owerhouse/

Today I went to Pilates class after having been absent for a month due to the pain in my hip which I wrote about in Part 1 of the writing out of this point. The instructor assisted me in how to exercise in such a way that I do not compromise the hip – the essential point is to utilize my “powerhouse”. The powerhouse refers to the muscle groups around the abdomen, thighs, lower back, and buttocks that one is to strengthen for stability, flexibility and strength in the body. Until now I had only focused on the stomach muscles and during the last year I have worked extensively with becoming strong in these muscles. I had completely disregarded the buttocks and thigh muscles, resulting in my application in Pilates not being effective at all, I was wavering - because I was not effectively supporting myself through creating an actual powerhouse of support.

The instructor assisted me to feel the difference when using the powerhouse and suggested that I focus on “being in the body” and “feeling the body” and I realized that I have been entirely disregarding these points – why? Because I have allowed myself to participate from a starting-point of 1) a desire to lose weight and prove to myself that I can be strong and effective – thus inner competition and comparison to an ideal image of myself in my mind and 2) competition with the other participants in the Pilates class.

So I could see, how I through this new application of support, can actually support the hip because I did not experience instability at all nor pain in the hip while I was doing the exercises. I have to however slow down and do the exercises very carefully, which means that I cannot immediately go back to the more advanced exercises. This is interesting because I have push myself too hard in becoming strong that I have actually weakened myself and now have to start over with building myself up from the beginning. I could literally see how I could “come together” with the various muscle groups to form a “band of support” around the now fragile hip. And all of this can be related directly back to myself.

So the ‘powerhouse’ is myself as walking process effectively and directively where I am here as the body, supporting myself through awareness and specificity in terms of where to place stability to support “weakened” and compromised points – that is what I have compromised for competition through comparison, in not remaining here and focusing on supporting myself to walk out of the mind and into the physical. Instead I have focused on strengthening myself in only a part of myself, thus compromising other parts because I disregarded what was actually required: patience, perfection, specificity. That is the “powerhouse” that I can create myself into and as. If one part is disregarded or compromised, the entire house falls. If one part is over-exercised, the entire house falls. Only by establishing equilibrium in fact, is it possible to create a stable foundation for oneself to live in and as. And this is done through meticulously making sure that all points are directed by self. I Pilates it is: “do I have my stomach, my lower back, my bum, and my thighs in place? Are my shoulders relaxed? Are my feet flexed? When is it too much?” It is no different in the general process of walking myself out of the mind: “Am I breathing? How do I experience myself? What is this experience? How did I create it? What would be effective support at the moment?”

So the powerhouse is the directive living of being aware of how to provide stable and consistent support for oneself, wherein and from which one can challenge oneself to get stronger, while supporting parts that are still too weak to carry themselves. And what is furthermore interesting is that while I was doing these exercises, I experienced intense pain in these new parts of my body that I had not focused on before – exactly as when we walk a new point that requires training and consistent implementation before we become effective and natural in our application. This requires patience. It was the same when I started exercising my stomach muscles – in the beginning I did not even think it was possible for me to strengthen them, but as I continued applying myself I became stronger. Now that foundation is in place and even though I have not exercised for a month, the strength is still here as well as the ability to direct myself within it, because I have established a point of consistent application where I simply “do it”. I have gotten to know myself as the stomach muscles – not completely or entirely in all dimensions – but within one initial dimension and as such established the beginning of an intimate relation with myself as the stomach muscles, suddenly feeling parts of myself that I had never experienced “awareness” within or about before. Now I simply got to do the same with the other muscle groups – though within a changed starting-point – and as such within and as the entirety of myself.

I can see how I have compromised –and never in fact lived – actual strength, because my strength have been based on building up energy and forcing it out of and as me into physical application and then crashing when the energy dropped. And I have been addicted to this energetic experience, refused to let it go even – because it felt so good to feel strong. But I was not strong in fact. And in order for me to become strong in fact, I require starting from the beginning – none the least with the self-honest realization of my “weakness” and resistance to change and tendency to self-compromise and competition – all the elements through which I can potentially harm myself if I do not act with care and consideration for the totality of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I can only walk effectively if I walk joined in the process of directing myself to walk out of the mind between the parts of myself that I have separated myself from, into and as but that is not separate in fact – so within walking in a “joined effort” I recognize in self-honesty the truth about who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in and as separation of and from myself and at the same time that I do not accept that I am separate in fact and as such establish a point of “joining together” in bringing all parts of myself here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that if one part of my body or myself is compromised, then the rest is suffering – exactly as the suffering of one human being or part, is both compromising and harming the whole and at the same time, the whole is responsible for the suffering of that one part and can by standing in a joined effort take responsibility for that one point and support it until it is strong enough to stand and live effectively.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I have allowed the body to carry the weight of the mind as dead-weight of delusion in which I have allowed myself to exist in a constant suffocation of myself as life only allowing myself a bare minimum of breath and space in and as myself to make sure that I do not realize myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize the cruelty with and within which I have enslaved myself to exist in and as the only point of self-emancipation as the human physical body, yet enslaved to the delusion that the body is in the way of the mind and that it is the mind that is enslaved to the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an artificial form of equilibrium, balance, stability and balance that is based on the constant “balancing” of energetic polarities where there is no real stability, balance or equilibrium in fact and where I instead exist in a constant war with these polarized parts of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to develop and establish actual stability within and in and as having separated myself from stability and as such not recognizing or accepting myself as stability because I have only accepted and recognized stability based on the balancing of energetic polarities.

I forgive myself that I, within and as existing in and as this artificial equilibrium that I have created for and within myself, have accepted and allowed myself to have to constantly maintain a balance between energetic polarities, that because it is not a real balance – which would be constant – must constantly be adjusted and through which I allow myself to abuse the body and suck the life-force out of it so that I can “spend” energy on “holding myself together”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive, experience and accept myself as the “lax” “sinner” and try to become and live up to the “saint” as a stipulate that has been created by someone else, outside separate from me. “If you do not become a good girl, you cannot participate” – when in fact all this is, is a polarity manifestation of an energetic relationship that can only exist within and as a constant friction and fighting.

I forgive myself that I, within pushing myself to become strong, have accepted and allowed myself to weaken myself because I have pushed myself through, within an as energy and in fact have abused myself and the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise actual strength and stability through accepting and allowing myself to participate in competition and comparison in not remaining here and focusing on supporting myself to walk out of the mind and into the physical.

I forgive myself that I Instead have accepted and allowed myself to focus on strengthening myself in only a part of myself, as ego, energy, self-interest and ideals of and as myself, thus compromising all other parts, as the whole of myself because I disregarded what was actually required: patience, perfection, specificity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise the totality of myself, through preoccupying myself in one-dimensional mind-realities of self-interest, fear, competition and ego and as such disregard all of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to create myself into and as a powerhouse of self-support where I through, within and as the strong parts of myself where I have already established effectiveness support the parts of myself that are still weak to become strong and as such create a joined point of self-support where all parts support the bringing all parts of and as myself together in and as walking out of the mind and into the physical

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that for me to establish a new starting-point as a powerhouse as a foundation of effective walking, I require training myself in and as patience in a consistent and constant implementation and application of the new until it is established as a natural point of self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and never in fact live actual strength, because my strength have been based on building up energy and forcing it out of and as me into physical application and then crashing when the energy dropped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become addicted to this energetic experience of apparent strength and stability and as such have refused to let it go even – because it felt so good to feel strong – instead of actually pushing myself to establish an actual point of stability and strength and patiently apply myself in training this point until it is implemented as a natural expression of and as myself

I commit myself to establish myself into and as a powerhouse of self-support where I join in to support myself to develop and establish myself in and as strength and stability as an expression of who I am as self-support

I commit myself to stop all energetic polarities and all forms of expression and application of and as myself that is based on energy and instead establish actual consistent equal application through patient training and directive establishment

I commit myself to strengthen and stabilize myself in my application of and development of myself as a powerhouse, as a coming together of and as all parts of myself that I have separated myself into and as, until I have brought all parts of myself together and I stand as one and equal with all that is here as myself

I commit myself to stop dependency on energy for me to move, express and live here – and to instead support myself to develop actual real strength and stability as an expression of myself

I commit myself to support myself to develop a physical powerhouse in, of and as this human physical body that I live with, within and as through strengthening all parts of myself, becoming aware of all parts of myself as the physical and bringing myself here in and as the human physical body

I commit myself to establish a point of self-support as a powerhouse where I begin the establishment of a stable foundation from where I can re-create myself as sound, whole expression of what is best for all - and to do that remove the rubble of ruins as the ivory-towers of delusion that I have attempted to build myself up into and as, so that I can create a foundation of certainty and self-trust from where I can walk and stand for eternity