I came to Desteni... it seems like an eternity ago.
But I came here with my shame, with my fear, with my insecurities, with my pain, and I shared myself. I was not accepted - not by you, Desteni, but by myself. I did not love myself. I walked as pain, I existed as fear. Not physical, just mental. (I'm not sure physical pain even exists. To me pain is resistance? I'd like perspectives on pain and whether animals and plants can feel 'physical pain', because it would effect my opinions on eating indefinitely.) I was humbled by your message. I wanted nothing more than to be loved and accepted by you. I saw myself as inferior. I've always seen myself as inferior. I've always loved the physical more than you could ever know. I've always loved nature and the animal kingdom, so much that I thought my very presence corrupted it. I grew up in the English countryside, adoring nature and animals and always searching for the truth. I've spent years crying. Crying at how humans treated the world and themselves. I cry now because I've been so scared about coming back here. I've been so worried you'd judge and reject me. All I want is to save the world. All I want is for people to love and respect life. All I want is for everyone to exist as love, real love, and stand as that for the moment of here and now - the moment of eternity. Every time I ate I hated myself. Every time I consumed I blamed myself. Every time I saw humans I hated them. I could not even look at nature or animals without feeling guilty. I was so scared by your videos - the ones that I felt spoke of the absolute truth of me, of the perceived evil I was. I remember when I ate my own heart. It was a strawberry. We always only eat ourselves, after all.
One of my earliest memories is of telling my dad not to kill a fly in our wendyhouse. He told me, 'when you're older you'll understand'. Nope, I understand less why anyone would destroy any expression. When I was 8 or 9, my teacher killed a wasp in class and I burst into tears. I went vegetarian when I was 12. The idea of killing an animal for food disgusted me. I then went vegan when I was 14. I first found Desteni when I was around 13, and studied the material extensively for a while, I'm not sure how long. I loved your message - apart from your views on eating meat. That's what initially pushed me away, and I'm sorry for that because I judged you as myself. For the last year I have flitted between veganism, vegetarianism, and being an omnivore. I made myself suffer through eating because I wanted to cleanse my views towards eating. I knew eventually the pain would stop - but until then I worked through the fear, the pain, until I found some clarity. Which only occurred about two weeks ago. I got rid of most of my baggage, all my pain, and I started to feel clearer. I'm now 19, and the luckiest girl in the world.
It's like waking up from the worst nightmare you can imagine and realising you're beautiful, perfect, and pure. That you never harmed or corrupted anything but yourself. That in reality you've always been an angel. I'm so grateful for everything I've been through because without it I would not be able to feel a fraction of the joy I will feel in the future as this moment of now. We exist in the mind as polarity, and I can tell you with certainty that my poles have been farther apart than almost everyone else's. I've always been prepared to die, always knew my life would end soon, I craved the end even. But now I realise that in the end there is the beginning, in hate there is love, in pain there is pleasure, in lies there is truth. I do not fear almost anything anymore. I do not care if you, the readers, judge me. I used to. One of my biggest fears was coming back to this forum and exposing myself. I'm over that now. If you do not accept me then you do not accept yourself, as we are always only speaking and writing to ourselves.
One fear I still have is of causing pain to others. So for the time being I have stopped consuming all products except for dietary/supplement pills and water. I do not want to harm any living being. I love all of the physical equally. I am in awe of the physical. I am in awe of myself and how far I've come. I'm in awe of what I know I'll achieve, how I will effect and even save the world with my words and my love. I am the closest thing to pure love, real love, that exists - as far as I know, anyway. Because most do not go through what I've been through. They did/do not exist in the separation I've endured. And I do not blame anyone or anything for how I've felt and feel now except for myself. I take full responsibility for who I am, what I've done, and what I've experienced. I forgive myself and all for all the pain I've felt. I now exist only as humbleness, curiosity, gratitude, love. I was so scared of Bernard Poolman. So scared of everyone at the farm. So scared that I'd always be inferior to them. But I realise now I'm not - I'm their equal, just as I am everyone's equal.
Everywhere I go I will breathe light. I will light the darkest corners of every place. I will never stop until humanity is standing one and equal to all life. I love physically, not mentally. I love with my physical heart, I cry tears of love and joy and determination. And until all animals and plants and objects and humans are liberated and stand as eternity in heaven, I will keep breathing, loving, moving. Thank you Bernard for the videos you made about me, if they were about me. You as me put me through hell so that I would find heaven, so that I would bring heaven to every soul I touch. Thank you for purifying me through suffering. Thank you for loving me enough to do this for me. Thank you everyone who has ever spoken to me or blamed me or loved me. Thank you physical for giving me life and the opportunity to experience true living - true heaven.
I am not happy right now. I am beyond that. I know that whatever I do will inevitably help to bring about heaven on earth, and for that I am so thankful, so humbled. Still existing in me is the fear that you will reject me, that you will judge me, that you will hate me, but as I type I become clearer and my fear weakens. I realise that words are only words, that our definitions of them are individual, so any words I type I am experiencing within myself in the moment I type them as the definition I've imposed upon them. I do not want Desteni or myself to see me as anything above what I am, and that is physical, and therefore one and equal with all life everywhere. 1+1=2
It is my greatest wish that I be accepted here, and my greatest fear that I will not be.
Edit: I wrote this last night but was too 'emotional' to post it in fear I would want to alter it later. I feel like a puppy trying to please its owner. All I want is your acceptance, as your acceptance would mean to me the ultimate acceptance of self.