Aldin's Self-Forgiveness

[Aldin]

IS IT REALLY THAT DIFFICULT LIKE I BELIEVE IT TO BE ???

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tempted by entertainment like movies, music and games.

I frogive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tempted towards watching a movie, serie, listening to music or playing a game instead of directing myself to self-realize through self-introspection; self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can take a day off each week from self-responsibility of / as self-introspection / self-creation through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective-expression / application; so I can ‘re-charge’ my motivation to do so for the upcomming week.

I forgive myslf that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to ‘re-charge’ my motivation each week for at least one day for the upcomming week in-order to be motivated to self-direct me to self-introspect, self-forgive, self-write and self-correct / self-express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a seperate point that serves as a motivation for self-direction for self-introspection; self-forgiveness, self-writing and self-expressing / self-correcting myself into self-aware self-creation of equality and oneness with / as all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use energy in form of emotional, feeling and through experiences as a motivational point within me to self-direct me to apply self-forgiveness, self-writing and self-correct / self-express me into self-aware self-creation within and as equality and oneness with / as al life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on energy that ‘serve’ me as motivation to do things instead of self-directing myself and being the actual source of / as motivation myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to energy as a source where I can ‘access’ or ‘harvest’ certain points like motivation for doing things instead of realizing myself as self-source for / as everything.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be certain / serious within the self-forgiveness application instead of just wording the words and meningless strings.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that words; the words I speak equal self-expression which equal self-creatoin in and throughout time and thus realize words as the putting together of a creational string with and as which I create myself equal and one as the words and their resonances / definitions I have of those words.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the actual power of words for words equal self-expression and self-expression equals self-creation and I forgive myself within that that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize words and the putting together of these words into strings as a self-creational tool / expression with which I can self-create and structure myself equally to the expression / sounding / sound / words I express myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it to be freakin’ difficult to stand up from a self-created fall and think and believe that it takes some time to stand up instead of realizing it’s all bull and another way of utulizing excuses for not realizing and taking immediate self-responsibility and self-express as the directive principle of creation = Self as Self-Expression HERE in each moment of breath as all the words / sounds I word / sound / speak / resonate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it to be okay to take my time; how much time it every might take for me; to stand-up / ‘come back’ and ‘re-empower’ myself to stand up and self-direct and self-express myself as the self-directive principle of creation as Self Here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I’m utulizing and abusing time to serve me to not have to take self-responsibility but remain in regret and feel sorry for myself for apparently not being able to stand up from a self-created creation as Self as self-experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time to trap me deliberatly so I might waste more time not having to take self-responsibility and hope that I’ll be saved in time before it’s to late for me so I have not to stand-up and ‘save myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for Destonians to save me from my self-experiences I ‘feel’ in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and wait for some magical words from Bernard, Sunette or other Destonians to cheer me up and make me feel encouraged and energetic / strong enough to stand-up again and self-express as the self-directive principle of creation as Self-Expression Here Equal and One to one’s Self-Expression in Each Moment of Breath and Living Application and as an acumulating consequence in time of one’s self-expression in and throughout time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel to weak; mentally and supposedly physically to move and direct myself to stand up and apply self-forgiveness, self-writing and self-corrective application to live me out of this self-created hell of energetic self-experiences that I trap me with / through.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I feel weak mentally and supposedly physically also because I; in the back of my mind; as back-chat; actually self-talk myself into such an experience through participating in throughts / conversations with my own mind / patterns and memories / moments of past that I hold onto and dicourage me through to stand up HERE in each new moment and each new window of opportunity for me to self-express myself as the self-directive principle of creation as Self-Expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the conversations and back-chats with / in my own mind through which I dis-empower and disencourage myself to take the actions necessary in a moment of / as breath that is at hand right here instead of remaining physically located here; through focusing on the breath ; the physical touch and remaining calm and assertive in my self-honesty and HEREness; walking through the energetic experiences I have / feel in a particular moment or time-frame till it ceases and what remains is what always remains; is and was Here which is the Physical HEREness of a particular ‘thing’ / moment because the mind makes more of things / points then what they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and hope for self-realization to come and knock on my door inviting me to self-realize instead of realizing that this will never happen ’cause self-realization is about self and can and must in fact be SELF-directed; meaning that I must actually deliberatly move myself ‘towards’ or ‘into’ the realization of myself / points as / of myself; and this is done through self-directing myself into self-introspection through self-forgiveness, self-writing and self-corrective application in every moment of every breath that is here at hand ’cause all of them moment / breaths are actually opportunities for self-realization.

I fogive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and remain in the belief that I need my individual time / time-frame to come to the realization that I must stand-up and no-one will come and fuckin’ save me or do thing for me; waiting and hoping that this realization will ‘strike’ / ‘hit’ me in a singular and particular moment that I call ‘my time’ / ‘my turn’ and then kinda be ‘lifted’ and be able to self-direct and express myself with absolute ease without conflict and / or ‘struggeling’ moment in my experience of self-direction at times.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘my turn’ and ‘my time’ is in every damn moment of every breath I take here; always presenting itself as a new opportunity for self-expression as the self-directive-principle of creation as Self-Expression here if I but dare take this opportunity and act upon it instead of wasting it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that standing-up from a fall is actually quite easy ’cause all that is needed is to actually continue with self-honest self-expression till it stand the test of time and I fall no more again in existence at the point of self-expressive principle of / as equality and oneness as self-honesty as what is best for all life but that it’s me through creating experiences / energies in form of throughts, feelings and emotions and continually participating in ‘em that is making it hard for myself to simply stand-up again and continue self-honest self-expression if I but fall at a point or points.

Simple actually; yet over-complicated through self-participation in the mind as throughts; converstations and back-chats with / in ones mind.

I forgive myself that I hvae accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to self-forgiveness; thinking and believing that self-forgiveness is THE only tool and / or expression to self-correct myself and set me free ffrom self-created forms of enslavement in froms of thought-patterns; emotions and feelings and energy-experiences; beliefs, opinions, ideas and any other form of self-enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to apply self-forgvieness and that’s it instead of realizing that it’s not that easy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realizet aht self-forgiveness does not change anything as a stand-alone exprssion or application and that I must LIVE the self-forgiveness and the self-directed self-realizations I ‘had’ during / through the application of self-forgiveness and / or writing TILL the ‘old’ patterns and expressions are no more and I have ‘successfully’ structured / self-created myself as the ‘new’ self-expression.

I forgive mself that I have not accepted myself to realize self-forgiveness as kinda like the application of self-direction towards self-realization and then self-corrective-application as the LIVING of that self-realization into manifesting / structuring that self-realization point / points as myself till I am in fact standing equal and one in totallity as that point of self-realization both within and without as reflected in the physical reality.



Forgive; Forgive, Realize and Live !



Forgive; Self-Direct yourself ‘into’ Self-Realization; Self-Realize and then LIVE till you ARE ‘it’ both WITHIN and WITHOUT !

[Marlen]

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the actual power of words for words equal self-expression and self-expression equals self-creation and I forgive myself within that that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize words and the putting together of these words into strings as a self-creational tool / expression with which I can self-create and structure myself equally to the expression / sounding / sound / words I express myself as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realizet aht self-forgiveness does not change anything as a stand-alone exprssion or application and that I must LIVE the self-forgiveness and the self-directed self-realizations I ‘had’ during / through the application of self-forgiveness and / or writing TILL the ‘old’ patterns and expressions are no more and I have ‘successfully’ structured / self-created myself as the ‘new’ self-expression.

Thanks for sharing, Aldin!

[Lindsay]

Forgive; Self-Direct yourself ‘into’ Self-Realization; Self-Realize and then LIVE till you ARE ‘it’ both WITHIN and WITHOUT !

Yes!

Cool to read you again Aldin

[Anna]

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘my turn’ and ‘my time’ is in every damn moment of every breath I take here; always
presenting itself as a new opportunity for self-expression as the self-directive-principle of creation as Self-Expression here if I but dare take this opportunity and act upon it instead of wasting it.

YES!

Awesome support here for all walking this and similar points.

Thanks Aldin.

[Aldin]

DETOXICATING THE APPLICATION OF WRITING

Another Day; another set of opportunities for self-liberation from self-imposed limitations:



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that writing is difficult.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge writing as difficult.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate writing because I feel so impatient while I’m writing.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so impatient while writing; projecting myself into the future when my writing is done; so I can feel reliefed from this tension and impatience that I experience.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the impatience and tension I experience while / during writing or directing myself to do things out of self-will, as normal.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard and come to hate the one thing that is the most effective approach to see myself for who and what I am and have become throughout my life and existence up to the current moment and give myself the gift of re-creating myself in the image and likeness of who I wanna be in full self-aware self-potential; which is Writing ’cause in writing I lay myself down on paper; structure myself, my experience, my behavior, my patterns into words where I can see directly Who I am and have become and how I have come to accept myself as such an expression I have become and exist as currently and within that through writing and another ‘set’ of words as Expressions structure myself into a ‘new’ Self that I actually direct myself in full self-awareness of my self-potential of Who I can be.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the resistance I experience towards writing.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the resistance of writing.



I forgive myself that Ihave not accepted and allowed myself to instead of giving into the energy of / as resistance I experience towards the point of writing; focus my attention on the Phsical Breath and Touch Here and Breathe Through the Energetic Experiences till they cease.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I gotta be conststant.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the Love for Writing will come by itself and that I’ll one morning wake up and My Resistance towards Writing and Self-Application will be all gone magically and replaced by a passionate Love and Preference towards Writing instead of realizing that this fairy-tale crap is never gonna happen and within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is all wishful thinking and that it is me that has to actually direct myself and SELF-CREATE that ‘love’ and ‘preference’ for Writing and Self-Applying me.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that creating this ‘love’ and ‘preference’ for writing and deleting the hate and resistance I have towards writing is not difficult if I but see the actual Potential that Writing comprises which is the Ability to Practically come in contact with Myself in a Physical Way and see who I am as a living entity and see through a timeline of events what points have lead to the creation and manifestation of myself as my living as Who and As What I exist in a particular moment and within that also give myself the opportunity and allowence and permission to stop; clear all points that lead to the manifestation / existence of myself in a moment and structure myself into a ‘new’ Living / Self that I actually wanna be and exist as and live as and enjoy living as.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can delete the hate towards Writing in one singular moment; and Direct myself to ‘love’ and ‘prefere’ writing as I see it’s Potential as a Self-Creational Tool.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my resistance and hate towards writing has also to do with self-created ideas that I have imposed onto Writing and have through that Lived these Ideas while I’m writing which have manifested and created particular Experiences of Discomfort within Myself while / during Writing and would start to ‘ejaculate’ throughout my body as soon as I but even Think of Writing.



Here’s a list of ideas I’ve imposed onto the Application of Writing:

I have to sit straight, legs on the ground; straight posture – no matter how uncomfortable that posture might be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to sit straight all the time while writing because I recall once a writing of Leila where she said that Bernard told her to always sit straight.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to make the experience of Writing physically uncomfortable through sitting in ways that I do not enjoy or feel uncomforable in.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going against what Bernard might have said because it would mean I’m self-dishonest.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I’ve take the statement of ‘sitting straight’ and imprinted my own ideas and beliefs about body posture onto it and that I do not have any understanding about the context that Bernard might have talked about with regards to sitting straight.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and blieve within that that I’m not allowed to lean back and position myself into a position that is physically comfortable for me to write or do whatever I’m currently doing.

I have to write very fast; so I can capure each point I have ‘on my mind’ that I want to write about or so I can capture and write down each damn thought or experience I have while Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to write very fast so I might not miss a single point I have ‘on my mind’.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing on points I have ‘on my mind’ instead of realizing that it is Physically impossible to write down every single point I have ‘on my mind’ – for there are numerous points and it is physically IMPRACTICAL to write them all down in one session of Writing or Self-Forgiveness or Self-Speaking and that multiple session are required to clear all points that exist ‘in one’s mind’ and that it is therefor a PROCESS taking place in space and TIME otherwise we’d already be ‘done’ a long time ago if it all could be done / cleared in one singular session of Writing / Self-Forgiveness / Self-Speaking !



So within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write at the pace that is practical and COMFORTABLE for me PHYSICALLY; yet still ‘challenge’ myself; meaning that I still direct myself self-willingly and push myself beyond experiences / points of resistance in clearing a point till I have cleared that point or points effectively through Writing; yet not rush due to fear of missing a point that’s ‘on / in my mind’.

I’m not allowed to take a ‘break’ or stop till the time-frame has passed that I have pre-set before even starting to Write.

That I must feel guilty if I do not write for a particular time-frame I have pre-set or believe is acceptable for Writing to be enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I’m not allowed to stop Writing until the time has passed that I have pre-set for myself even befoe starting to Write.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a Time for myself for how long I will be writing and within that believe and think that it’s unacceptable to stop prior to that.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am setting a time for Writing for myself because I want to make sure that it does not take all day; so that I have a reasonable time for which I have dedicated time to myself in creating myself, so I do not feel bad or guilty for not having done so for a specific time-frame AND so I can actually make sure it does not take to long and I can enjoy other things than writing to.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a; in my belief; reasonable time for which I’ll be writing and dedicating myself to Myself in Self-Creation and Self-Purification, so I do not feel bad or guilt for not having done so – and to make sure the Writing does not take to long; so I can do other things I like more then writing to.



I forgvie myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I’m in that way not really dedicating myself to myself but am acting out a belief of doing so so I do not feel bad or guilty.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ACTUALLY; for REAL dedicate myself to myself and Write for How ever long it might take for a point or points to be cleared within and through writing; whether it’s 10 minutes or 5 hours.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within a pre-set Time-Frame in which I’m writing and self-creating and clearing mysel instead of allowing and accepting me to give myself how ever long I might need / require for a Point to be cleared within me as me.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write for however long I need to write to clear a point within myself and transcribe the Corrective-Application I’ll be walking as the ‘new’ Self-Expression into creating a ‘new’ Self that I want to exist and live and experience myself as.





Now a list with the experiences I hate during / while writing; through which I came to hate and resist writing:

Hitting a blank slate: When I write about a partuicular point and reach the point of ‘silence’ / ‘blankness’; where I cannot ‘think’ of anything to write about that point anymore; here I’d look and look and look at the point till I feel so physically uncomfortable that I cannot sit still any more.

I’d go into kinda like a hyperventilation mode; trying to force more words out of me about a particular point; where my breathing become heavy and difficult as though I’ve squatted a high amount of weight for numerous reps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate ‘hitting a blank slate’ trhough writing.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate Writing because I hate the experience of ‘hitting a blank slate’ – when I no longer know what to write about about a particular point.



I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘hitting a blank slate’; not knowing anymore what to write about about a particular point; to be ‘bad’.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is unlimited things I can write about a particular point.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is only so much I can write about a singular , particular point before reaching ‘it’s’ End which is comming to the Self-Realization(s) about that particular point where I can write no more about that point because I’ve looked at the point in all it’s angle; all it’s dimensions and I’ve cleared myself from that point through writing and All that is Left is to LIVE the self-realization of / as a particular point in the PHYSICAL till I transcend and / or become it in Manifestation both within and without.



I forive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is only so much I can write about a particular point within myself as myself and that at this point all I can write about that point is redundant information I have already looked at and realized – and that all that is left is to LIVE the realizations of / as that point till transcended or manifested as me both within and without; dependent on the nature of the point.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is a point where I can write no more about a point and have to LIVE it PHYSICALLY from here on; and that any further attempt to write about it is redundat information and ‘wasting’ of LIVING time of that Point.



Within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write till I can write no more about that point; no matter how I look at it; and from here: BREATHE and LET GO of the point and LIVE it / the realization(s) in the PHYSICAL till transcend or manifested as me; depending on what the point is – instead of HOLDING on the point; thinking, believing and fearing to miss out on some information I’m not able to see in a partcular moment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a point, triying to get more out of it if I ‘hit a blank slate’, and can find no more ting to write / pull out of it no matter how I look at it, because of thinking, believing and fearing to maybe, just maybe possibly miss out on some crutial information I’m not able to see right now.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is not practical and that I’m traping myself in a mind-set of / as fear of missing something ‘valuable’.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the PRACTICAL approach in such a moment when I’m not able to write any more and/or pull out any more information of a particular point, which is: Letting the Point go and Moving On; LIVING the realization(s) I’ve had up to the ‘blank slate’ and realize that if there in fact IS someting I’ve missed or not been able to see in a moment; that ‘it’ will reveal itself in time if I but stick to the PRACTICAL LIVING of that point and the realization(s) I’ve had during ‘pulling’ the point ‘apart’ ’cause through the LIVING of that point I’m WALKING the point / realization(s) in all it’s dimensions and if I’ve missed or not been able to see a dimension of that point in a session I will through the LIVING actually DIRECT myself ‘into’ that ‘missed’ ‘dimension’ of the particular point and so continue till in FACT all ‘dimensions’ of a ‘point’ are cleared.



Lol..



.. WTF ?



Does it all have to be so ?

Nope. Not really.

It’s MY laws I’ve imposed onto The Application of Writing. So I can STOP ‘em. I can STOP it !

So I STOP !



I’m WRITING: ‘Pulling apart’ a point till I SELF-REALIZE and can no longer ‘pull’ anyhting ‘out’ of the point; Here I’m letting go of the point and move on with LIVING the point / realization(s) PHYSICALLY.



I’m LIVING a point / realization: WALKING a singular point / realization in all it’s dimensions in Fact; seeing the ‘dimensions’ I might have missed through Writing; going back to Writing about the missed ‘Dimensional’ point and LIVE again till the point is cleared in ALL ‘dimensions’ in fact.

[Aldin]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my self-expression because of the fear to be inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself speaking/voicing myself when I want to say something because of the fear to be inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself from voicing/speaking when I want/feel to speak about something because I fear that it’s stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I want to speak about as stupid and because of this fear to sound stupid, suppress myself/suppress what I want to say.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not say something when I want/feel to say something due to fear of sounding/being seen/judged as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inappropriate when saying something because I think that it’s really inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and feel that what I said is inappropriate because there was no expected reaction from the others I said it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an expectation of an reaction from others towards what I am going to say, and feel inappropriate and stupid when I don’t get that reaction and then go into self-doubt and self-judgement, criticizing and judging myself for what I said and so suppress myself from expressing myself next time due to the fear of being inappropriate/stupid again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak about what I want and feel to speak about in a moment because of the fear to sound or be seen/judged as weird.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be seen and judged as weird because of my life-style, what I value, how I see things and how and what I live each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people hear out from my words, that I am weird because of my values, what and how I live, what I like and what I dislike etc. — and therefor, because of this fear — suppress my self-expression and not speak about what I want and feel about speaking in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this fear — is reflecting back to me — that I am doing the exact same thing that I fear/project towards others as a fear — and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I myself judge myself as weird/out of order/out of place for my life-style, what I value and what not, what I like and what I dislike and what and how I live my life each day.

Within that: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weird because of being a Destonian; because of not valuing and doing the same things that everyone else does which I have done also, prior to Desteni, prior to making the decision to live what and how I live now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself from expressing myself throughout my whole life — just because I have a fear of being inappropriate and people not liking me therefor — based on some experiences I have had throughout and in my life where I did not get the reaction I expected and wanted to get from others in response to my expression/words, which I could assess as an indication that what I said or have done was appropriate and cool and that people therefor like me — and therefor, based on that, created a belief that it was inappropriate and that I better should shut my mouth and not ever speak again and freely move/express myself within and through my body, so I do not risk not being liked because of my words, because of what I say or how I behave/what I do — not realizing that the suppression of myself has throughout time layered itself within my body and I now experience many consequences due to that suppression.

In that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of communication and expression because of fearing to be inappropriate and therefor risk to be disliked by people/others.

[Aldin]

Day 1 Just do it. Stop judging and just do it, forgive myself and commit myself to change

Day 2 Boredom and me

Day 2 Money is my life force

Day 3 The “The more the better” mindset self-deception

Day 4 Relationships, Partnerships, Friendships and I Part 1

Day 5 You only live once Part 1

Day 6 Positive Thinking is not a solution (Relationships, Partnerships, Friendships and I Part 2)

Day 7 Mind Tiredness vs. Physical Exhaustion

Day 8 The “I can’t think of anything” and “I don’t have anything on my mind” excuse

Day 9 The Freedom to do whatever one wants to do? (YOLO aka You only live once Part 2)

Day 10 Not getting anything done

Day 11 My Relationship of Struggle with Reading and Words

Day 12 My Life as a person who Blushes a lot Part 1

Day 13 My Life as a person who Blushes a lot Part 2

Day 14 Following beliefs out of fear

Day 15 Females are different !? My relationship with girls / females Part 1

Day 17 Fear: Good or Bad ??

Day 19 Pleasing others even if it means abusing myself (Who I am as employee) Part 1

Day 21 Pleasing others even if it means abusing myself — Part 3

Day 22 Pleasing others even if it means abusing myself — Part 4: Doing anything for a relationship just to not be alone

Day 23 Pleasing others even if it means abusing myself — Part 5: I am the fiend

Day 24 Pleasing others even if it means abusing myself — Part 6: Bring it home, Let the cat out of the bag: What I fear IS what I do !

Day 25 Pleasing others even if it means abusing myself — Part 7: Scripting a new Life

Day 26 Resistance towards communicating about masturbation

Day 27 Male Superiority and Female Inferiority: A reversed case?

Day 28 Stopping masturbation: Stopping self-abuse — My process of stopping the addiction to masturbation — Part 1

Day 29 Inferior Females and Superior Males: Inferiority–Superiority swapping mind-game

Day 30 I have created Laziness because I Fear Myself

Day 31 The Multidimensionality of Changing Self

Day 32 The primary relationships in my life: The foundation on which I created myself — Part 1

Day 33 Letting others decide Who you are

Day 34 (Cyber)Bully

Day 35 “Journey to Life”: The Daily SHARING hasn’t changed my PROCESS

Day 36 Make-Up and Female Beauty — Part 1

Day 37 Make-Up and Female Beauty — Part 2: Objects of Desire

Day 38 Not Self-Honest yet: Pain and Fear as a “back door”

Day 39 Self-Expression Suppressed

[Aldin]

Day 40 Relationships and Back-Chat: In my own prison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ugly and therefore as having no real chance to be in a relationship with the ‘type’ of girls I deem/define as hot, sexy, beautiful and cute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time I see the type of girl I deem/judge/define as beautiful, hot, sexy and cute — have a backchat/conversation with myself in my own mind and arising thoughts about how ugly I am and therefore do not have any real chance to ever ‘get’ to be in a relationship with such a girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of this backchat, generate fear of approaching such a girl within me and thus suppress that I’d like to talk with her and approach her and so end up not doing it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up suppressing myself with regards to approaching and communicating with a girl I see and like, because of the fear that my appearance sucks and will not allow me to ‘get’ that girl to like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up suppressing myself and not talking to/communicating with and approaching a girl I see and like, because of the fear of being rejected due to my appearance which I judge as ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up suppressing myself and not approaching and talking to and communicating with the girl I see and like, because of creating play-outs in my own mind based on personal fears of rejection, as to how the event could turn out — the worst case scenario — and so back-chat/talk myself into powerlessness/discourage me and so end up not approaching the girl I see and like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a worst case scenario in my mind the moment I see a girl I like — and so, to secure/guard/safe myself against the consequences of being rejected — suppress my ‘feelings’ for that girl immediately and not allow myself to approach her and talk to her and communicate with her and ‘get to know her’.

Shit!

This is some hard shit here.. so much resistance within me towards facing this point..

..Breathe..

..Remain Here..

..Take it slowly..

..Breath by Breath..

What are the ‘consequences’ of being rejected that I so fear?

It’d confirm to me that I am ugly, that I suck as a personality, that I am boring — it’d basically confirm everything that I judge myself as, everything that I ‘hold against’ myself in relation to ‘entering’/’creating‘/’approaching’ a relationship with the girl I see and like. It’d confirm my own fears I have in relation to ‘why’ I think I am not able to enter and be in a relationship with the girl I see and like. And that confirmation is what I so fear that I, to not even go near such a scenario/happening, not allow me to approach the girls I see and like — and immediately deny within me such a possibility to enter/be in a relationship with such a girl which I like.

Shit.. I could cry.. Fuuuuck !!

In my body, it feels like every tissue is constricting and tense and noisy/uneasy.

It’s like my mind has shut down, or rather it tries to ‘move me away’ from the moment — like it doesn’t want me to go further/deeper and continue with/on this point of relationships any further. It’s like a ‘blankness’ in relation to this point; like I can’t see ‘through’ this point anymore — or the mind not wanting to ‘see’ ‘through’ this point anymore — because I still am Here, and able to physically move and physically look at the point within and through writing. Don’t need the mind to ‘look at’ a point, really.

There’s so much self-judgement as points I ‘hold against’ me in relation to entering/being in relationships with and approaching girls I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a rejection from a girl I like, confirm to me what I fear that I am, and what I fear is the reasons why I can not and probably never will be in a position and have a chance to get into relationships with girls I like.

My feet are sweating now, it gets hotter in my body, feel tingling sensations in both my arms and feet, from the forearm down to the fingers, from my ankles down to the toes — and also in my chest area — and head region. My breathing becomes heavier.

I feel the need to touch and stroke the back of my head up and down — like trying to get my hands away form the keyboard so I can’t write anymore about this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a rejection from a girl I like, confirms to me one of my greatest fear: That I am ugly and have a boring/dull personality/nature/beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a rejection from a girl I like, confirms to me one of my greatest fears: That I will never be in a relationship with the girls I like.

Lol: It feels like I am hitting a wall, constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear to never have a girl I like as my girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as just not being the ‘type’ of being, like not being ‘made’ for girls/relationships with girls I like, like others are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself — not realizing that it’s all shit in my head that I generate through participation and make myself believe that it’s true just because it feels kinda real, and that I am the one, who’s holding this shit constantly against me and not allowing me thus to ever go approach and talk to and communicate with and so get to know the girls I see and like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that it’s me myself and no one else, who’s judging and defining me as not being ‘made’ for girls/relationships with girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it’s me myself who’s holding myself back from approaching and talking to and communicating with and thus getting to know girls I like and thus create relationships.

[Aldin]

Day 41 Abusing my Body through Medication: I want a fix, and I want it now ! Fuck Consequence.. ..Really?..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself solely by my looks/appearance, thinking and believing that its the ‘holy grail’ — all and everything I have in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that looks/appearance is the only thing that matters in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that looking good is the most important thing in life and within that belief strive/seek the highest ‘beauty’ to become/be/look as.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ugly if I don’t look exactly and nearly as I want to look, based on the images I have created in my mind which I strive towards looking as — which is my ideal appearance, where I think and believe that I will get everything and anything in this world with that kind of appearance/looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my entire life and self around appearance and/as how I look, constantly and continuously striving and seeking to look good, to look better, to improve my appearance — because I judge myself, I judge my body for who and what it is at the moment and blame it for my shyness towards people and that I still got no girlfriend and am really ineffective to socialize with especially the opposite sex (girls/females).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for my self-experiences as ‘how I feel’ and blame it for that I still have no girlfriend, nor that I have ever really communicated with and allowed me to ‘get to know’ a real girl, apart from the mind-relationships I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my body and refuse to forgive myself for it and do forgiveness together with my body and all the cells within and of and as it — because of the extensive level of blame I exert towards it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and hate my body to such an extent that I even refuse to ever forgive it/forgive myself for it and apply forgiveness together with and as it and/as all the cells within and of and as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am hopeless with regards to my relationship I have with and towards my body, thinking and believing that I will never be able to fix this relationship I have with and towards my body where I and my body constantly fight each other, or at least where I fight my own body and try to enforce shits/desires onto it — not realizing that I am abusing it and in that also abusing myself because I am within my body, It can either be my best support or my worst enemy, a prison.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted an allowed myself to have an effective relationship with my body where we support ourselves and each other as equals, as one — instead of fighting each other and where I try to enforce my mind-reality as desires onto it, trying to make my mind-reality of wants, needs and desires actual physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship with my body, where I abuse my body through trying to enforce my mind-realities of wants, needs and desires onto it, trying to manifest my mind-reality of desires, wants and needs, making it physical and go to extremes to accomplish it where I drag my body through much abusive procedures — like medication to get a result that is aligned with my mind desires, wants and needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive myself for having abused my body through accutane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through accutane just to get rid of acne, and within that deliberately not allow me to consider the possible side-effects which are extreme by the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through accutane just to get rid of my acne, and disregard the consequences as side-effects, short-term and long-term it might have on me and/as my body in future — because I want a quick-fix through chemically-induced destruction of some tissue within my body that was/is apparently responsible for the disturbed production of some chemicals that lead/transform/aid in acne/pimples on the skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself so much according to how I look and take the judgment and words of others so personally — that I decided to deliberately destroy some tissue within my physical body which was/is apparently the cause of the disturbed production of hormones/chemicals that produce/lead to/cause/aid in the appearance of acne/pimples — through deciding to jump on medication that will destroy that tissue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to such an extent according to how I look and take the judgment and words of others so personally that I judge me over them, that I apparently could not/cannot any longer ‘live’ with my acne and discover the REAL cause for it and within that allow it to heal ‘naturally’ by itself, that I made the decision to destroy some tissue within my body that was claimed/explained to me was responsible for the disturbed production of hormones/chemicals that aid in and are the cause of the appearance of acne/pimples — through taking medication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to deliberately abuse and destroy my body, through chemically/medically destroying tissue within my body which is ‘responsible’ for the appearance of acne/pimples — the moment I decided to take medication to get rid of acne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to acne, that I took drastic measures as taking medication that destroys tissue of the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so desperate and lonely because of my acne that the only way I can think of is taking serious medication that destroy tissue of my body which is apparently responsible for the acne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my acne responsible for and blame it for not being sociable and being shy towards communication and relationship-creation with other beings and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s not the acne or the pimples that have prevented me from or that have stood in the way of socializing, and making friends and or communicating with and getting to know girls — but myself in creating and sticking to beliefs that I cannot do that because of having this skin condition to such an extent that I have deliberately isolated myself because of just beliefs and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for what I have done to myself and/as my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of my own doing, trying and wanting to and seeking ways to run away from the consequences of my own actions — not allowing myself to realize that I cannot do that and that I must face and go through the consequences — breath by breath and that the only thing I can do about it is to make sure I never do again and allow me to live as and exist as that which has caused such consequences in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can not avid the consequences because they are already here and that the only thing I can do now is to stop re-living the past as ‘living as’ the ‘Self’ I have lived as which has caused such consequences in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have been separating myself from my body through blame and hate directed towards my body, like I’m trying to move out of my body so I’m no longer in my own skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to move out of my body and separate from it because I no longer want to be in my own skin because I do not like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike my own skin/myself because it’s not who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my skin, especially on my face because of blemishes, redness and scars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for having blemishes, redness and scars on my facial skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my facial skin will never ‘heal’ and get back to it’s ‘natural’ state it was before I developed acne and took the medication to battle it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted by myself for having made the decision to take the medication to battle acne, which in it’s nature was destructive towards specific tissue of the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and hate myself for taking the medication to battle acne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to forgive myself for what I have done unto myself and/as my body, in taking medication that battles acne, which to do so: Destroys tissue of the natural/healthy human physical body to destroy/compromise the tissue that produces a substance/chemical that is believed to aid mostly in the development and appearance of acne/pimples.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to simply do it: Simply forgive myself — for I get nowhere blaming myself and hating me and directing anger towards me for what I have done — and realize that it’s here — what has been done has been done and the consequences are Here and I can’t hide or run away from them and must face them and get through it, that’s just how it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could go back in time to not do what I have done — not realizing that I am separating myself from the Here moment — trying to separate myself from and get away from facing consequences that I have created through ‘Who’ I am/was in the past — instead of allowing me to remain Here in the moment and face the consequence and get through it — breath by breath in the realisation that I must because it’s my own creation, and I am responsible for it, so I must correct the point and only I can correct it for myself, only I can correct myself/my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be and submit myself to depression, thinking and believing that what I have done and what has manifested as consequences from that doing — cannot be corrected — without even trying to, without even investigating the point and solutions — but conclude that it’s a ‘desperate case’ even before trying to correct it.

[Aldin]

Day 42 A Sad Personality: Sad due to repression of Self-Expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and see myself as a dull/boring personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as a boring/dull personality/person with whom you can’t have any good times with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a boring and dull personality/person with whom you can’t have any good times with because I am always sad, depressive, desperate and serious.


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is not about changing Who I am into another personality that I think will suit me in what I wanna accomplish in my world better — but about changing Who I am within self-honesty, in getting to know myself in and out, all and every single detail and refraction of Who I am — so I understand how I have created myself and in that never allow me again to submit to and allow systems that control me and live for me such as the mind, where the system respond to anything you put into it and which input thus has resulted in a creation of abuse and suffering of lives — without question and without taking a stand and in that completely re-create myself by my own hand, so to speak, where I am indeed a self-creation in absolute self-awareness of Who I am creating myself as.

So, within that: I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s not about changing myself from being a sad and depressive being/nature/personality into something else of which I currently think will suit me better in whatever I wanna accomplish based on my mind desires, wants and needs, such as creating more relationships, getting more girls or whatever — but about finding out Why I am always sad and desperate, finding out how I have created myself as such a being and see/find out/look at How I can create myself into someone who’s Best for All Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to personalities, thinking and believing that I am a personality — instead of allowing myself to realize that if that is truly who I am then I am schizophrenic — because I have quite a number of personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am not a personality and that a personality is a made-up entity that I have created within and through my mind, in response to my environment, as Who I am with and/or Where I am — where the creation of the specific personality was done in accordance to/from within the starting-point of How I saw myself within and through the mind would be best to be in that environment or event/situation — based on fears, desires, ideas, thoughts etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel and be sad and desperate around others because I suppress myself and do not allow any room for self-expression because of fears and ideas that I am not worth it or that my self-expression is inappropriate — and so suppress myself around others due to fear and self-beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my self-expression is not important and also maybe quite inappropriate and or inferior/worthless in comparison to others — and within that suppress myself from unconditionally expressing myself within a moment — which builds up a sadness and depression within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am sad because I do not allow me to express myself unconditionally because of fears, beliefs and ideas about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my self-expression to that of others, and from the end-result of my judgment decide whether my self-expression is worth it and whether I am worth it to express myself or not and accordingly either express or suppress my self-expression/myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to simply unconditionally express and not compare my self-expression to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no right to express and voice myself whenever I feel or want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it’s others decisions whether I am allowed to express and voice myself or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-expression through for example voicing/wording myself to others because I fear to be judged according to my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people judging my self-expression and within and because of that fear, think twice whether I will express myself or not whenever I feel or want to — and often end up suppressing myself and/as my self-expression due to allowing the fear to take over me and make the decision of ‘Who’ I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fears make the decision of ‘Who’ I am and ‘What’ I will do within a moment instead of being the self-directive-principle and decide for myself ‘Who’ I am and ‘What’ to do and thus allow me to express myself unconditionally whenever I feel and want to — and not think twice but just do it unconditionally. Unconditionally !!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-expression as inferior to others in some moments and superior to that of others in other moments — based on how I see the being within and through my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others in relation to who’s better or more or superior or ‘more special’ and through that assessment/judgment decide whether my self-expression is of any worth or not — and accordingly either allow myself to express me or deny myself the expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need a reason to express myself and often end up suppressing my self expression because I can’t find a reason — instead of realizing that I am self-expression and everything I do is ‘expressing myself’ — it’s not just ‘speaking’ that is self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally express myself whenever I feel and want to, without concern and worry about, and thinking about, and fearing what others might think of it, or whether or not, or how they’ll judge me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to simply unconditionally express/voice myself whenever I feel and want to — without thinking.