7 years journey to life: Day 6: Facing bipolar disorder
I have been diagnosed by those of the medical industry as being bipolar since 2003. At that particular time in my life, I experienced states of consciousness which brought me to disconnect from reality through the effects of the mind exercises that I was then busy doing unto myself. What I then saw as “mind exercises” were techniques that I came upon as I was surfing the net in search of everything that I deemed as being spiritual. Of those techniques, one particularly caught my attention and was brought upon the listening of a particular sound/music which was sold as brain entrainment – within which the music that I would listen to had the designed properties of bringing one’s state of consciousness into deeper and deeper levels of awareness. One would listen to the music within designed orders that would propel the listener to deeper states of awareness. The name of the music was called “holosync” and had within its patterned sound, a “binaural beat” rhythm that would “entrain” the mental state into deeper states of awareness, such as the beta, alpha and theta brain wave states.
I remember that at one point during the time when I was religiously listening to the holosync technology, I began to perceive life differently, within which I was under the ominous impression that I was “behind everything”. This feeling of being “behind everything” stayed with me for weeks, where I would devote my energies in finding the cause of that new found feeling. Without going into too much details of this experience, I will nonetheless say that this feeling brought me to, at one point, disconnect from reality and live experiences which would eventually lead me to get hospitalised.
The behaviour that I manifested at the time was the behaviour of someone who was in a “manic state of mind” as what is described by the medical industry. What it meant for me was that, for instance, I had too much energy thus I couldn’t sleep for days on end – where I would find myself working on an impossible project of creating a computer program that would have a mind of its own. Although the computer program was doomed since the moment the idea entered my mind, I still believed that I could have eventually created the computer program that would have a mind of its own. I was under the influences of many different sources at the time – different sources, like my knowledge of computers and psychology, which brought me to believe that I had the knowhow to create such a program. However, the idea never manifested itself as I was led to deviate from my initial goal as I was within the process of birthing such an idea. Thus, at one point, my mother became worried for my behaviour, where I wouldn’t sleep and stay for entire days in front of the computer, trying to figure out the key of consciousness, as I was looking to make the computer program conscious of itself. So, one day, when my mother saw that I wasn’t listening to her or to my uncle who tried to convince me that I was being led astray by my own mind, she decided to call the police so that I may be brought to the hospital for treatment.
The police came and we decided under common grounds, that it would be best for me to go to the hospital, which I did. Once at the hospital, they eventually diagnosed my condition as being that of bipolar disorder. Having been forced to stay at the hospital for 3 weeks, I was medicated intensely so as to treat the condition of mind I was under as I first came to the hospital.
However, I never saw my condition as being an illness of some sorts, but rather saw it as being a gift that I needed to uncover for myself. What I experienced within the manic state of mind was so out of the ordinary that I was brought to believe that whatever I experienced within that mind set was real. That was not what those of the medical industry believed however, and I was forced to take on medication for what they then told me would be of 5 years.
Having never seen myself as being ill, I never respected the doctor’s orders thus never took the medication that was prescribed to me. This had caused me to experience 4 more manic episodes, all of which brought me to subsequent hospitalisation, the latest of which was the one that I experienced last year – whereas I had to be hospitalised for a bit more than 3 months. Within my latest hospitalisation, I have been ordered by the court to take my medication, for the medical industry and the legal system had come under the agreement that it would be best for me to take my medication, considering my past hospitalisations and my tendency to not take the medication that was prescribed to me. Thus, ever since October 2011, I am now forced to take medication, where I have regular meetings with my psychiatrist and nurse in order to check my system for the proper amount of medicine in my blood – to ensure that I do take the medication.
So, even though I despise the effect that the medication has upon my body, I still continue on taking the meds through the imposed force of the legal system. Although I still do not respect the amount of medication that has been prescribed to treat my condition, I still take the medication – although to lesser amount than what the doctors believe – which brings me to feel rather confused most of the time.
The state of mind which triggered my condition was a state of “manic mindset”. This particular mindset created a cycle within my system where it would return almost to the exact same moment of year from that moment on – within which I would re-live such a mindset almost every year which had brought me to subsequent hospitalisations, all of which I did not respect the posology of the doctors until the last hospitalisation of last year.
Since the bipolar disorder is still a big part of my “psychological makeup”, I will do self-forgiveness on the points of me facing my mental condition and the imposed taking of the medication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the condition of “manic disorder” because of having allowed myself to enter the trap of the mind which brought me to believe that I was “special” because of having experienced a “manic episode” which brought me to “perceive” reality from a perspective which was then new to me – within which I experienced sensations that I never experienced before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sensations that I first experienced back in 2003 were experiences that would make me “more special than others” because of the new found perspectives from which I then perceive the NOW moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the idea that the sensation that I found back in 2003, would return cyclically because of the belief that I had then opened up a door within my mind which would manifest itself every year from that point on.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the new found sensations that I then found to be new within my perspective of life at the moment, were traps of the mind consciousness system from within which I would only perceive other dimensions of the mind consciousness system which is not real in the first place, but only a virtual representation of reality which is here as the physical as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the medication that was prescribed to me by the doctors.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel confused when I take on the medication that was prescribed to me last year by the psychiatrist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sleepy when I take on the medication that was prescribed to me last year by the psychiatrist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change from the effects of the medication which affected only my mind and not my body thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the effects the medication has on the mind consciousness system, through reactions of depression and happiness induced by the medications rather than remaining here stable as the physical as all as one as equal as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “want to kill myself” because of the imposed orders upon me by the medical and legal system where I have to take the medications for the next 3 years, minimum or having to face the consequences of the law for not abiding to the judge’s orders concerning the taking of the medication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the mindset I was on when I was in a manic state of mind, was real - within which I perceived reality through the eyes of a particularly active mind which was the consequence of me wanting to "create a computer program" that would be "conscious" of itself.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that the mindset I was on as I was under the influence of the Meditative music by the name of Holosync, was externally induced thus was not really a consequence of my own spiritual advancements to which I pushed myself to be LIEf to be the case.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a lie that I told to myself as that of being a person who is able to create a computer program that can think by itself - within which I knew deep down inside of me, as being impossible within the time frame where I had my first experience of "manic" episode.
When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of guilt of ‘I must be mentally ill’, I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the guilt arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the guilt and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in guilt as an automated response to a pattern of self Abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath
I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about “feeling manic” and from judging myself and others as ‘being less than me’, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every Living Being.