Jozsef's Journey to Life

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jozsef
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 18 Jan 2014, 22:17



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jozsef
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 18 Jan 2014, 22:21

Day 140 http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/01/jtl ... ction.html
Just like last week I was in a Desteni I Process live hangout; this time on the topic of Gaming addiction.



I expand a rant here about the points what did not fit in the 30 minutes talk.

What I actually experience

It is like an extended mind-like experience wherein it is sort of virtual stimulation without apparent and direct consequence and I can always go back and load and try out things differently and I am in control.

I do not have to deal with reality and things like irreversible consequences but what we do not realize that acceptance in this world is accumulating as well, not just the actions we do.

So as we accept our reality, the world system, the economic inequalities, the abuse, the brainwashing continues day by day - it obviously will effect us - not only ourselves personally but everybody around as we breathe the same air, drink from the same water, eat the food coming from the same earth.

When the politicians and their groups decide the risk of building and operating a nuclear plant - if that fails - the whole country will face the serious consequences, in fact the whole planet will do.

And as those who 'do not care', are 'unaware', 'can not do anything' - they are still in the same boat.

Particularly I do not have anything problematic with computer gaming at all - it is quite fascinating -as I have spent already decades to study/learn about programming and gaming: I know the scene - but when healthy, smart, capable grownups spend most of their available time with gaming only - it is as escapism from all what is physically here and busy accumulating and that is problem. Nothing personal exists within this here - anything what does not support the principle of What is Best for All must be investigated, understood and practically stopped. Most of the people say they can not grasp really what would be the best for all and for that proper education is required, being able to step beyond our personal views/interest to see FACTS but it is possible.
Gaming is alright for some entertainment and fun but to become obsessed with can and actually do escalate into neglect of what is here, which is not that nice if we see the amount of abuse exists in this world.

That is the most relevant point what I wanted to share here - that there are more important things to do - and there are more ethical, more common sensical, more sober, more responsible things are to actually investigate, understand and change than ALL THE TIME exploring virtual realities and riding on these stimulated experiences to deny what is here.

It is relevant not only about computer gamers - sport fan(atics), excessive party/drinking/drugging, TV Series addicts, Religious/Spiritual obsessive compulsions(Love and light and mantra and enlightenment self-induced stimulations) and many-many more - which one can justify that it is what seems right to do all the time while not realizing that the directive principle here in this reality is intensifying by the day, which is the capitalistic money system, the media, banking, military operations - that is the most powerful force currently and it can not be taken lightly and if one is disregarding what is here then two might disregard and the accumulation exceeds quickly as 1+1=2 and there are those who direct this thing, already proven without any compassion, without any regard for life, for future, for all living organism by justifying that "it is possible to do it so I can do it and I do it and in fact - no one stops it" - so they continue until the last real life value is destroyed, abused, capitalized.

We can see this tendency in big multinational corporations - the secret director board in the background month by month is just demanding more percentage of revenue while they do not care about the consequences - they feel they can buy of themselves(and their own families) out from the consequences - just look at oil companies, the spills, the fracking, the explosions, the military atrocities - it is beyond any sense of life - if somebody does not see it, should consider the fact that being lost - any sense of what is real life, what to stand up for and what are the real values and should start investigating, re-mediating, changing to embrace the horrible fact that as if we continue like this - in decades even humans can become endangered species, not just lions, tigers, elephants, pandas etc.

Also to travel around the world, even countries where most of the people lack of sanitation, healthy food and proper education - they are really suffering and then if we are capable of just go home and play all day long with computer games then one should feel that something is off, something is bugging here. All of the mainstream media is impulsing that this is justifiable, it is encouraged to to feel good and not realizing the price what others pay for it.

And it does not end with feeling sad about eating chocolate because mostly child slaves pick up the cacao on the fields for that - as the "feeling sad" is also a justification - as it does not change a damn thing, only people stop considering these facts after a while as becoming overwhelmed with sadness of the facts, so then it feels compulsory to do something what feels good, for instance gaming.

As within this blog post Maite shares how to make a decision within self honesty - we all should face our habits and repetitive actions that "Is that really the best that we can do for our life, for our future, for all's life, for all's future?"

So my most relevant point to stop computer gaming obsession is to consider the consequences of disregarding anything else because of automatically justifiable self-interest.

This point as I consider assists me greatly to not lose myself within computer gaming.

I continue by stating: playing, gaming itself is not bad, it is just when one disregards anything else and being obsessed with the game - there is a reason for that - I can easily speak of my own life experiences as the difficulties, the current life what I walk: I did not realize that I judged my life as negative, grow a desire to avoid to face/experience reality as it is, so a resistance I have built to deal with my life's all aspects with occupying myself with stimulation as much as possible so then this resistance I live out in the form of being obsessed with do things what I have defined as feels good so within that experience I am too busy to see what I have became and I got so used to it that I did not realize I have developed an automatized personality of having the tendency to not face real life (personal, interpersonal, universal) issues and rather than just focus to how to experience the way I defined myself as feeling good, excited, stimulated.

Another aspect is that most computer games are made for money, especially the big, famous ones by big corporations - just look how EA, Activision, Sony really handle their workers: the same as the typical capitalism really exists.

Most gamers know that by following gaming news, often comes something ugly out to the public about the development jobs/hiring/firing/lies.

I just did a random search about gaming industry truth and found these below:

http://truthofgaming.blogspot.com
http://www.gamasutra.com/blogs/KalebAyl ... t_Help.php
http://www.cjc-online.ca/index.php/jour ... /1771/1893
http://www.polycount.com/forum/showthread.php?t=87147
http://www.ign.com/blogs/siskoblue/2011 ... htty-truth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGar7KC6 ... ideo_title
http://claudiasutton.blogspot.hu/2011/1 ... -game.html
http://www.cinemablend.com/games/Top-Mi ... 40569.html

After doing some research - video game industry is there only for profit, revenue - of course there are great ideas but the ones who are leading/profiting the most from this scene are famous by handling professionals/artists just like cogs...

Just like with out latest handheld gadgets: mostly slaves make them while CEOs are profiting their ass off. Of course it is not true for ALL games - it is just there as well.

Especially with the latest tablet/store gaming rush where exists huge profit as well - the game makers do anything to hook on the kids for make parents pay for one more game and kids are really vulnerable to become obsessed with games while real life/real social activities/play OUTSIDE is less and less relevant within the middle class and we adults do not make the kids more easy to integrate into the world system as kids can see that there is greed/stupidity/abuse/lies all around the world where they do not want to go, rather than just play nice and stimulating games all the time until they can...

Finally I share my examples of what I have found myself escaping from reality into computer gaming - and I repeat - gaming can be fun - an entertainment, a self-discovery, even educational - but when one just can not stop when real life priorities kick in - then it is a problem.

For me mostly what stops me expressing myself within REALITY is an inherent fear from expressing myself, to be myself, to stand out and do what I want - I allowed the tendency to fear from consequences, fear of rejection, fear of making mistakes, fear from being exposed of what I have done what I have judged as failure - and not realizing that part of the solution is to directly face these points within me and walk through/let go/physically stand with the starting point of not participating.

Also the inflation of values of computer game graphics/sound - as if the game looks almost real/gorgeous/immense/high quality - I defined as it is more 'good' therefore defining as self-value when playing with these.

An other point I see the inherent desire to try out/play with the best latest games, especially within the topics of what I have defined I love to play - some of the first/third person shooters, real time strategy/role playing games - mostly the action games.

Okay so many points I have shared here, I walk Self-forgiveness in the next post, thank you very much, in the meantime I suggest to listen the audio interviews of Gamer Death series at EQAFE:

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
For addiction and self-realization support, visit:
http://forum.desteni.org
For Self-support, Self-direction, Self-remediation FREE online course which is unique, effective and challenging with seasoned, experienced, stable buddy support:
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- See more at: http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/01/jtl ... QSdxU.dpuf

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jozsef
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 20 Jan 2014, 01:04

Day 141
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/01/jtl ... art-2.html
[JTL 141] Gaming addiction support part 2 - Self-forgiveness

Continuing on the previous post about walking through Gaming addiction to explore what are the patterns I am responsible for to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what experiences I have given permission to pull me, to trigger reactions within me, to be obsessed with and become addicted to the feeling I experience with computer gaming.

I forgive myself that I have never considered what is the fact, the reason for I have chosen computer gaming as more worth to give my time into, my efforts into, my energy, my money into and not realizing that I have became automated to reject, refuse, avoid to face direct physical reality what I share with all life on earth in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within computer gaming I re-create the same feeling, the same experience within I take refugee within the perception of I am in control while in fact I am not in control in my real life and wanting to balance out that, wanting to equate the reactions to abdicate facing facts of my reality what I am responsible for what I have pre-defined as difficult, heavy, unbearable, negative with the experiences I defined with gaming as interesting, cool, stimulating and positive and not realizing that living out these both I exist only in and as the polarity corners of my energetic mind while physical reality goes, actions and consequences accumulate which will remain here as equal as one as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the situation of humanity as a whole on earth as how many suffer in the system what all continuously participate within and as well as individual lifes of participants of the system and the abuse and neglect of all life within the interest of experiences, consciousness, obsession with positive without common sense, without understanding the starting points, the consequences, the practical way to stop.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that actually I can do something myself with the currently existing human system and fearing from not being able to and within fear accumulating frustration and wanting to deal with the consequence instead of the starting point, meaning wanting to bandaid the resulting experience with an other experience while not really changing, while accepting existing within and as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing the priority of physical reality here what I share with all life here in and as existence by putting my interest of feeling good first within the belief that if I feel good, THEN I will be able to become effective and helpful for myself and others and not realizing that the need for feeling good is already an indication of a pre-existing relationship with the self-definition of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that become obsessed with aspects of computer gaming as positive and negative to manipulate myself to make decisions for my self-interest and never considering common sense here by considering all what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have energetic experiences, movements arising from my solar plexus which then accumulates to feelings, moods, personalities to shift, activate as I have given permission to take over, to direct me, to tell me how I feel, who I am and what I must be in order to play out the character I have defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have positive judgments towards computer gaming and having negative judgments as well and by that constantly participate within duality, polarity, separation and not seeing the original fear what I allowed myself to exist as which is fear from expressing myself, fear from facing myself, fear from taking responsibility for all who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simlicity within common sense as stopping myself participating within reasoning based on my interest, based on my memories, based on my feelings and simply let all go and breathe and remain always here, as clear, empty, direct physical realization of who I am here as all life as responsible.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can deal with my life and all what I wanted to live out in and as computer gaming - I can face in reality, I can realize what I was diverting from into the experiences of gaming while desiring to be more, to be different, to do things what I judged currently I can not do and not realizing that unless I stop being obsessed with gaming I will not be practically able to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and games as bad and judging not gaming and being me not gaming as positive and not realizing it is an attempt to manipulate myself into an other self-definition to live out and not realizing that by this I move by energy, and when the energy is off - I am again the starting point of myself what I did not deal with, did not understood/saw/realize which is in fact simply fear from expressing myself and changing myself and be always here and take responsibility for all who I am here.

To be continued with further Self-forgiveness, Self-commitment and Self-corrective statements
- See more at: http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/01/jtl ... 63eNZ.dpuf

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 26 Jan 2014, 02:53

DAY 142
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/01/jtl ... art-3.html


Continuing on [JTL 140] Stopping gaming addiction support part 1

Self correction on [JTL 141] Gaming addiction support part 2 - Self-forgiveness

Why I bother one may ask? Just research:

http://www.spike.com/articles/id98jf/th ... ideo-games

For some entertainment, resting, fun, PLAY - gaming is cool, but when it takes over one's life while disregarding real life responsibilities - it is a problem and if some faces difficulties to direct this point, to stop the energetic addiction towards gaming - it is suggested to write it through and apply self-forgiveness to assist and support oneself to stop self being directed by self-accepted judgments, energies, experiences and take responsibility for all what is here.



By listening the Gaming Death research interviews I am available to see so much points in relation to the topic - if one can invest into that could assist very much within seeing through the illusion of excitement of all day gaming.

When and as I feel like I MUST game, when I experience the urge that I have to disregard anything else - I slow down, I breathe - I feel my physical body, I breathe until I am able to consider real life priorities and act with common sense.

When and as I realize I want to play computer game but I have more important things to do - I check my tasks, calendar, scheduling and I find a time slot when I am able to play without any worry, disregard, suppression and I will play with full of myself without judgment.

When and as I have excuses that by scheduling gaming while there are more important things to do I lose spontaneous fun - I ask myself with self-honesty that do I justify facing something what I've defined as less fun? And if the answer is yes - I let it go and find practical ways to prioritize my things to do based on common sense and self-honesty.

When and as I feel like I can not stop gaming and having the excuses that 'one more level', 'one more hour', 'one more life', 'one more checkpoint' - I realize that the consequences will accumulate with each procrastination and eventually I will face everything I accept and allow, this time the energetic experience to tell me what to do and when to do - so I stop, I slow down within, I breathe, I consider my responsibilities within common sense.

When and as I try to manipulate myself to not LIVE my self-commitments such as supporting educational, financial, political change within the world by having the excuse that I do not have to push that much or only this time I play a bit more and then next time I will work on those points what I have committed to participate, to move, to become and support change within this world - I realize I am losing presence, self-direction and accumulate lack of self-will, lack of self-discipline so I stop fucking around and I consider what I can do today for accumulate changing myself and the system to manifest a world which is best for all in and as this physical, civilization system.

When and as I define gaming and playing as more important than facing, learning, expanding myself - I realize principled living as who I am as decision I walk and also realize and gaming is resting, entertainment, fun - definitely NOT priority, so I re-align myself here with and as one breath to live my priorities according to principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define computer gaming as positive, entertainment as priority and defining myself as playing games as positive while doing commitments as negative and not realizing that the original judgment I accept as myself fearing from not being positive enough, what I let go, walk through unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-manipulation to tell myself, define gaming as bad, worthless and shameful to be lost within it and feeling energetic, emotional by judging myself to use that energy to stop playing and not realizing that it is not myself here directly with and as I stop gaming, but with self-manipulation, self-stimulation with energy, therefore as the energy goes off - I will not be able to stop myself gaming.

I forgive myself that I have never considered how I actually manipulate myself into energetic states what to I have given permission to stimulate me to act certain things with thinking, feeling, being emotional and never realizing that whatever I do, did, will do according to thoughts, feelings, emotions is not who I really am as it is only of self-manipulation to do things what I allowed myself to not being able to do directly as myself here, where I am, who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth into computer games graphics, images, visuals, more than real, physical world and not realizing that only within and as my mind I experience this energies by automatic, fast judgments of the game which I valued as more than myself here, therefore defining experience more than facts, more than myself here without me being aware of it in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that being obsessed with computer games is because suppressed the energetic experiences of missing gaming, missing spent time within the game's story, the 3d environment, the characters of the game, the action, strategy, what I've defined as values for myself, I've defined as awesome, very cool, interesting, fascinating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within self-judgment to define computer- and console- and any other electronic games as priority to have them, to play with them, to go through the whole game.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within computer gaming I define games as more important than facing real life resistances, my accepted and allowed physical real world issues such as poverty, abuse, extinction.

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to suppress my allowed accumulation of needing to play games and thinking meanwhile that I can suppress everything and anything without consequences.

to be continue, meantime check out other blogs of walking through self-limitations:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/



Learn how to walk Self-forgiveness as the most effective tool to walk through self-limitations:

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 02 Feb 2014, 18:48

Day 143
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/01/jtl ... art-3.html

This post only entails some of my personal history on obsession of computer gaming to assist and support myself for further Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment. Also to see the extent one can go within gaming while disregarding reality here. I've 'lived' so many 'characters' and 'personalities' which might seem quite limiting or shameful or reckless - but as I walk through - I do not define - I change, I transcend - so today I share one of those characters I've lived: GAMER!
Within this blog I often share points what are obviously self-dishonest, nasty, 'dark' - but writing it out I assist myself to recognize it and I can forgive, commit myself to STOP - that I share, as it is not really who I am but who I've defined - and therefore expressed - myself to be.
That is why this process is also referred as Journey to Life to Nothingness - letting go all what is of consciousness systems - all I remain as Life and this process is what all walk whether they know consciously or not yet.


First times
When I was little kid - I saw others playing with quartz-gaming and then went to basic school and all of a sudden I saw a room with full of old style computers (around 1986) and they played 2D platform games(such as Robin Hood)

I was electrified by seeing that game as other kids played and my initial thoughts were like I want to learn how this game works, how to play, to understand how to make such things and that took me forever in the scene.
In my family we could not afford computer in that time so I went to basic school's study group on afternoons into the computer room and first played some game and then started to learn LOGO and BASIC programming quite early.

The pace of that learning was not fast enough for me and as I've found hundreds of old computer journals left over in a dusty store room I actually stole of those in folded bunches and smuggled out from the school in my pants regularly and at home I studied carefully.

In the communism of central Europe there was quite a 'greyish' propaganda against the type of capitalism what we have in the west today so there were things what were unavailable as there was an embargo called CoCom. It meant blocking many products from the soviet block(mostly weapon-industry-related stuff) - as such Commodore 64 computers as well so my deepening of computer science started only when that was over and my mother could afford buying a C64 with datasette for me (using regular cassette for storing data - it was slooooow and uncertain) and from that moment I was really into the computer world and typing in all the programs I've found compatible in the stolen newspapers(no internet) - even one typo caused errors which was quite crazy but programming and gaming with I spent time hand in hand.

After some years when I was in programming and bookkeeping high school and mom could afford to invest into a 286 PC(was about 200$) which I learned to use already in school(as well Mortal Kombat fatalities) and I remember the most intense gaming obsession I had in that time was the game called Civilization.
There is a little unit, a tribe of future nation with one can play to build cities, culture, inventions, military, public relations with and against other nations and with that I spent many-many sleepless nights with and there were difficulty levels as Chieftain, Warlord, Prince, King, Emperor which was quite difficult to win(dominate all the planet or build space shuttle system to send to Sirius before 2120) and I was able to achieve victory on King difficulty which was quite heavy and I was proud of myself quite much.

Meanwhile my mother almost literally had to kick me out to under sun as I was quite obsessed with achieving victory on King difficulty with military domination and science research+build of space technology as well which she obviously not valued and appreciated as much as I did so we had some conflict.(Furthermore when I did not poke the computer I was reading all the time, not just Lord of the Rings style stuff but science as well). Meanwhile I deepened my judgmental personality system with praising mind, thinking, programming, logic, imagination, visualization, fantasizing, daydreaming against physical world, my body, resisting against developing athletic/muscular outfit as other village boys usually do with physical work or workouts. I was introverted, many times petrified and kind of awkward in reality so by judging myself such: I charged myself further into the computer world with programming and gaming.
College
After some there was a different scenario years when at the university my girlfriend bought me a modern computer - it was more than 1000$ what she earned with working in US and she was very smart and practical and realized that this is an investment for me what is required to learn programming with what I will be able to earn money after university and I learned Java programming within Linux operating system quite a lot on that and also playing games such Quake and HalfLife and Heroes games as well, what I was able to play all day with no problem.
In that time I did drink quite some alcohol as well what also assisted my mind to be boosted from all angles(what for alcohol exists actually so I suggest for the ones who decide and dedicate their life for Self-realization to commit oneself to let go alcohol completely with all excuses altogether).

I remember my girlfriend went to abroad to Czech Republic in a spring break and I told her that I can't come along because I have to work on my diploma degree and actually what I did was playing through HalfLife game what I played at least 16 hours a day for a week consecutively. At some points I felt dizzy, tired, weaken in my body, but the story pulled me, I wanted to see how it ends, I enjoyed the variety of weapons, the dimensions, the monsters so much that I just played all day and stopped only for eating and sleeping but even within sleep I had this excitement, when I woke up already stimulated in my mind without fully resting to play and explore more from the game. This aspect remained for long years - also with drugs I felt that - it did not matter that I did not rest fully - as I was boosted in my mind so much that it was like a sort of drunk state but 'positive', 'energetic' yet only caring about the stimulation - in that time the game, it's story, it's interactions etc.
Also there was a game called BLOOD - what we played in LAN in deathmatches(free for all mostly or capture the flag) and there were these weird hooded cultists who threw dynamite with shouting and when killed someone the game said: mutilated, massacred, burned etc so it was really gruesome especially with the part of killing innocents and we played with it for a year many-times and it felt very energetic.
MUD
Login to EV MUD
Another very intense gaming part of my life was MUD(Multi-User-Dungeon) which is a telnet-text based role-playing game(My obsession was called Lost World, a fantasy realm). We could play it only in the Computing Science Center room what opened in the morning and closed at late night and there were about a dozen guys who played MUD all day literally. That was so big part of my life(and some of my college roommates as well) that when we did not drink alcohol and jump around drunk at pubs/street/parties we just talked about that all day, it was really an obsession.
I could write about my experiences of Lost World for days continuously, I was into that for years.
The game is still running, There is still a character Talamon(sometimes I get letter in that from old mates) in there but after university I stopped playing.
I had dozens of characters, there was this 'unlawful' part of the game what meant that with our characters we could attack each others, not just computer-generated foes(who basically just stand at their places waiting to be killed).
There were areas, cities, quests, monsters, items, spells, casts as in usual games and there was also a group what formed in another university from BME(Technical University of Budapest) from a level of a building called R3 and we were competing for the best unlawful scores what was a list at the location of Mafia boss(in the game) and the top 20 was in there and who made it up to there were 'famous'(infamous) in the game and the micro-society of gamers who were mostly university students all around the country and there were actual meetings in towns where there were drinking parties and all night long talks about strategies and great moments of the game.
I actually had my first girlfriend in my real life by marrying a healer character called Orchidea in the game who was a teen girl from another city who with I came together to a long distance relationship for almost a year(that is another topic).
So I had quite some characters in that game and those had to be build with wise craftsmanship and to be able to hunt down others I had to develop ruthless cunning and we used mud clients as TinTin and then TinyFugue to dominate the system, others.
To see the extent of the scripting system we developed, I just give some examples: it automatically reacted to certain texts and auto-attacked given up to 3 target variables and there were 1-2 letter commands with I moved around distant areas and did things and auto-attacked the targets when arrived to a location (%attack_command %v1; %attack_command %v2; %attack command %v3) and also when left a location. When the game answered at all locations as '%1 is not here' - we programmed it to not show these messages up(gag) and the player-vs-player fights were quick and deadly and we hunted each other all day to go up on the list(kill/killed ratio and kill counts) and we formed clans, lied, deceived etc.
When my maxed out shadow hunter character called Brenner made up to the top of the unlawful list - I was the best player killer by definition: I literally felt myself powerful, feared and envied so when I logged into the game - other unlawful players immediately messaged me to friend me that 'please do not kill me I have to get XP to level up' so I decided life and death and I enjoyed to max out different classes(knight, ninja, psionic, wizard, thief, black mage etc) so I spent many thousand of hours in the game, seeking after thousands of millions of XP points...it was always about raising the character to demi-god level(50) and from there it became more powerful so then by itself could became efficient killer to became unlawful to kill players.
All of it was just texts scrolling up quite fast - so to progress fast and effective - I programmed my client to not see anything from normal game, I did not see the description of places, possible way outs, only what was relevant for effective moving, killing, ascending. Most of the game play I automated with scripts, so I just went around and wiping out all monsters what re-born in each 15 minutes so we had timers for waiting for RESET and rushed through efficiently in 2 minutes for about 5 million of XP and then just chatted for 13 minutes and it seemed as real fun for at least a year...
Talamon character in EV MUD today in 2014
There was an afternoon when one of the player guys have passed out and fell from the chair in the computer lab as he disregarded eating/drinking so long that the body could not take and it seemed funny but actually it was quite shocking. Obviously we were not the greatest pupils in the study systems, I have fallen on math exams for some times but did not matter, I was possessed with the game as in that I was somebody, in reality I was extremely poor, introverted, shy and I literally could not really speak with girls, only when drunk some vodkas so I escaped into gaming many times.
Also it was fascinating to see that at nights some of us sometimes had 'telnet-text-based' dreams, like I was dreaming not as visuals - but text-sentences, descriptions flowing upwards in my mind which was kind of weird...
There were also the guys who became 'wizards', who were the creators of the game, they programmed the locations, quests, monsters, they intended to improve and oversee the game or kick/ban trolls etc.
Another fun we had was to find and use bugs in the game to cheat, to gain advantage or shortcut character development to gain XP(experience point for level up), spell, skill and MONEY.
After all I had so much illegal money in the game so sometimes I just logged in and gave away millions which really unbalanced and basically screwed up the normal gaming of others as well and we felt like Neo in the Matrix(the movie came out after I finished university, so I mention it just to describe the similar feeling we had).
I traded characters with veteran gamers (for instance Jet Li or Xena who were maxed out by using a bug in the game called smith's bug) I've bought for 3 gosser beers and I've made them unlawful player killers as well, I had about a dozen demi-god characters what after I've stopped playing I deleted or gifted away - but the main and first character Talamon was never unlawful and remained in the game even today.

I even wrote my own area (Fire mountain) for the game what was not finished(in a simplified C programming language) as I switched my obsession from the game to an actual girl who became "my" girlfriend and I 'fell' for another obsession called 'love' and she was beautiful and we did lots of sex and moved together(another topic).

I wanted to share some details of how much I was into the mud to see from the extent I had to come back for reality. After some years when I logged into the game once I was really shocked by realizing, there are quite some guys in the game SINCE I left while I traveled around half the globe - then I realized the extent of obsession I had before.
After university
The last phase of my gaming was when I was working already and smoked weed more and more and we played all day with every possible mainstream first person shooter games.
I remember once playing with Alien vs Predator on acid - that was the most terrifying gaming experience I had - it felt so real - so then we rather listened music than chasing aliens in the game...
Even after those 'friendships' fallen apart - I was still smoking and playing while I was tripping with acid and went deeply into spiritualism, meditation, buddhism, sacred geometry, mayan calendar and all that kind of mind-screwups while I was still playing heavily.
There were many games I played through many times, raising the difficulty and really knowing the game, the limits, the rules, learning all about the foes and secrets, shortcuts etc.

The Jedi Outcast I've played the most - with Jedi Master difficulty I slashed so much storm troopers and dark Jedi for years! I literally felt I've became the character and I was moving as the character, there was no separation so I was able to achieve becoming extremely efficient in the game and that was also quite an experience what I was after and later could reproduce and surpass with high dose of psychedelic drugs at "dark psy trance" parties only. I knew the system, the laws, the physics, the foes from inside out and I perfected my playing to a surreal degree. There was a reptilian enemy within the game who was the final dark jedi enemy boss and he said that "Welcome to the future" what I enjoyed quite some(it was in my David Icke listening era)- and also when I tried to force push him - he told that "Dare to push ME?" also was my favourite.

Many of the latest games I also played through - I remember I already started Desteni I process walk out from mind into reality here and there was this voice in my head that 'this revolutionary new game called Crysis comes out what I have to play through - the last one' which required quite an expensive(fast) computer and playing that also opened the whole thing up again as this kind of realistic visual and sound became the norm so then I've played all the modern games as well such as Call of Duty, then Dead Space and many-many more games what I even could not list up and mostly all of those basically.
The graphics is continuously pushing the boundaries and becoming more and more hyper-realistic every day(with billions of transistors in a videocard computing real fast), just an example here: which took my attention really(however the actual gameplay was not that fun for me).

The strategy games as well were significant part of my life for a while, coming from turn-based games such as Heroes, Civ towards real-time strategy games as Dune2, Starcraft and eventually Supreme Commander and that stimulated my mind a different way.
It is basically war against limited resources and time and when you try to buy something the game says in serious sound: "You do not have enough money" - "You do not have enough power" - "You do not have enough energy" so many times which obviously influences us as words for instance(it can be turned off though) and also it is just war - no matter the cost, domination, destruction, victory is only what matters and it can be fun but when someone plays it all day it is sure influencing our mind if we do not stop and transcend the mind!
Another area is RPG, mostly the ones called 'open-world' which means there is a main story line but it is not obligatory to follow, one just live in the virtual world and explore without the game being a 'tunnel' experience what most shooters are - just levels to walk through where scripted enemies show up to massacre but in role playing games one can choose different approaches, guilds, fellowships and 'character development', such as Skyrim or Mass Effect, Dragon Age series etc...I've played with those as well...
Lately I've found out that regardless of gameplay, graphics, the overall playing experience - without a great storyline, a campaign walkthrough - I've found most of the games boring.
As the story, the world unfolds, the character becomes more powerful, ascending/gaining more weapons and the whole reason for playing seemed legit when the goal to reach I was able to be identified with.
Also my obsession with perfection often caused me to play through a game right after finishing it - so then I do not have to find out/wander around but actually enjoying progressing efficiently.
Conclusion
So after this short retrospective time-travel, I will walk through the energetic feelings, reactions, thoughts I've exposed here, not only about the computer gaming specifically to prepare further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction. Already it is obvious that some words repeat and those seem to be keys for what I was after as experience what I could not LIVE in my reality, what I've defined myself as unable to gain/get/obtain in my life so it is practical to investigate about my existing personality relationships with these words to let go all self-limitation. Also to look why in the first place I wanted to experience such words as myself with gaming...

Writing down all of these gamer 'life' - I see here how much I've invested into experiences what were not real - which is not BAD but who I am today I rather focus to physical world, reality-based problems and solutions, to support myself and others for the betterment of ourselves, our system, existence as I see myself responsible, especially with my abilities and understandings and ability to transcend. Seeing beyond my self-interest, to see happiness is an inside-job so to speak I was able to let go the pursuit of happiness - and focus to the path of humanity I become more and more comfortable to take responsibility for - within equality - each matters as the same - within the current value system it is possible to manifest physical equality on Life-requirements with the One man - One Vote principle which is currently being misleaded and ab-used for power games in a way what is certainly not values life.

I do not see the necessity to stop gaming totally -these are like interactive movie series - though since some weeks I did not play at all) but walking through the memories and associations, reactions within Self-honesty, Self-discipline according to Principled Living - I assist and support myself to prevent more and more obsessions with games by seeing/realizing/understanding the reasons I've chosen to try to 'live' in games instead of physical reality which always meant to accept and allow abdicate responsibilities and accumulate irreversible consequences such as disregarding financial, relationship and many more aspects of myself to naturally grow and expand within the starting point of .....? Fear.

So I will continue walking through the points to support changing and equalizing myself to be able to direct energy instead of energy directing me with my permission what I never explored to understand.
Also to see what I could not face in real life and why and actually TRANSCEND is very possible.

My usual excuse was always the tools I used to transcend seemed imperfect as the psychedelic, spiritual things I did for long years - but with finding Desteni I Process it is absolutely clear that with these tools the limit is only me, it was always me so it is really supporting to study all the Desteni Material and see that this is really supporting so I push myself through my limitations one by one, breath by breath no matter what and explore what is best for all which is also the best for me.

Thank you very much and as previously, I suggest to listen Death by Gaming EQAFE series which is actually more supportive for actual Self-realization than sitting thousands of years meditating on whatever one is obsessed with in the name of the delusional ascension/enlightenment meanwhile common sense is disregarded - so check out EQAFE, explore Self-forgiveness as the most powerful tool in the universe for the ones who dare to live Self-honesty and actually consider all here equally.

Desteni Forum for Self-support: http://forum.desteni.org
Desteni Articles: http://desteni.org/articles - See more at: http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/01/jtl ... xxrIc.dpuf

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jozsef
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 03 Feb 2014, 23:35

Day 144 http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/02/jtl ... rtual.html

Continuing on the previous post, starting a Self-correction from childhood, my early gaming times wherein I start with investigating why in the first place I've turned totally into gaming while disregarding all which is physical reality here what then became a basic pillar of my personality. This first post might not seem connected with gaming directly, but I start it here and in later posts on will be continued, connected.
Problem
Going into virtual - thinking, feeling, while in reality not really moving. This seems to be more and more limited while in and as the moment reality does not wait for me while I process based on memories, past, thoughts, associations, reactions - very sometimes this can work when I use this as visualization and self-intimacy - but mostly, in reality this is in fact a prison - while I am busy with the virtual - backchat, mind, feeling positive, negative - moody swings up and down - reality goes forward and my reaction to it, a conclusion of internal process - will not 'match', will not 'reach' the moment - I can only be in and as the moment here - if I am empty within to embrace it and act immediately. To recognize this disadvantage - one requires some self-honesty, self-investigation for which WRITING is the most practical tool. For that Desteni I Process Free Online course can give a great support.
Starting (continuing) from looooooooooooooooong before.

First of all - we were poor - so while other kids went to paid bus tours or summer camps - I had to stay at home and often work around animals, garden, fields, household. While other kids had toys and gadgets - I was glad when I had something comfortable(mostly cheap chinese) so soon I've learned to use my vivid imagination to spend my time with when I had the chance - before computers.

Secondly I was a scary boy, I've experienced things at nights what I could not explain and never spoke about to anyone - endless falling in the universe, no stability but constantly feeling up and down within experiences I really felt like I am losing my mind - I wrote about these experiences before, I just mention here but I created the fixation to feel positive to overcome negative.

I've compared and judged myself with other and what I've seen in media - I was very white-skinned and thin, not like the others - and no one explained to me how things are as I am normal - also teachers and my mum even encouraged me to think myself as different - they always focused to how smart, clever, fast-thinking I am, so I had the impression that math and computer skills is more important than being physically strong and present here - others drove motorcycles, after cars which I was not really interested in - so I read, programmed and gamed.

Gaming was the way I could be good with easily - I had the ability to practice, perfect myself without consequences(other than time) so with persistence I became good with computers, basically with all machines.

Also I was not really good with feelings and emotions - I did not realize how those are in fact self-created from thoughts and images, energies and reactions - but what I realized is that by having moods, feelings, becoming emotional - I've lost the only ability with I was good with, which was logic and clear conclusions.

Especially when seeing most of the others had trouble with these.

Also within the culture, the image and likeness of manhood seemed like clear mind is great, emotions and empathy is the mark of the weak - "Real man does never cry" - like soldiers on battlefield I've felt myself sometimes.

Those seemed so easy for me - no emotion, no feeling, except when I was overwhelmed, sometimes I had to let it out - when others bullied me, family members, other kids, even teachers, I've felt frustrated and I exerted it to my little sister or I had the 'need' to stimulate myself within gaming, especially enjoying the killing and dieing in games.

I have written about the childhood fear points within these post about a year ago:

http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/02/jtl ... -fear.html
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/03/jtl ... -from.html
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/03/jtl ... dhood.html

I continue from here towards Self-correction, Self-commitment

Self-forgiveness if applied within self-honesty is the act of god as ourselves as creator, creation, created as equal as one which one takes responsibility for and re-aligns with what is best for oneself - and for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself more powerful within thoughts, feelings, emotions than directly here in and as the physical reality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to weaknesses and strengths and accepting myself who I've judged myself in the past and never questioning what I can actually stop judging and start changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as impatient, meaning not being able to think more than one action/reaction at a time and wanting to change myself in one moment and when not being able to then defining that it is and who I am and then accepting it immediately and never considering patience, consistency, accumulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the experiences defining those as negative because not being able to define and within the fear of unknown I've allowed myself to fear to lose myself as not being able to define myself: defining myself as losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within the expression of acting, exploring undefined there is nothing to fear as all what I entail, experience, express, face is myself directly here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to myself, my mind to constantly define, judge, categorize, polarize and within that not realizing that it is a mathematical equation within which I accept myself to exist as and then in order to maintain status quo I have to participate within energy games, energetic experiences, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions in order to feel myself stable, otherwise I would face the unknown, undefined, which I've defined as dark, fearful, deep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop an automatic tendency to become attracted and interested within the self-defined positive experience while not realizing that I am in fact allowing it within the starting point of negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from unknown, fear from losing myself and within that not realizing that I fear from the lose of ability to define, judge, react with energy, words because then I am unable to stimulate, in fact manipulate my state of mind, my state of beingness in order to control myself in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the automatic tendency to virtualize, always simulate with words and energy within myself to have a feeling, a reaction, a perceived movement within me to stimulate my state of beingness by having a secluded room within myself as the mind wherein I can do more than in the physical, I can imagine, I can think, I can feel, have emotions without apparently affecting my physical state of beingness, expression, living and not realizing that in fact it is influencing, limiting, directing my physical life here without understanding it, without being able to stop it - in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my inner reactions such as thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, imaginations within my mind to computer games as both seems to be not real, seems to be like replayable without consequences and never realizing the fact that with both I actually skip being aware moments here, I disregard what is actually happening here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experience, energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, imaginations as more important, more real than actual physical reality, physical events, physical consequences, common sense here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise energetic experience within myself more than what is here in and as the physical because with inner energetic experiences I can repeat, loop, echo the same things over and over and over again within the belief that it is freedom and not realizing that it is timelooping, not expanding, not changing within the starting point of fear of unknown, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of myself, fear of fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my physical life here within the judgment that it is not good, not who I want to be because I've compared my life with others life, my appearance, clothing, toys I've had with others what have and I wanted those, I envied them and I felt powerless because could not get those what seemed as value within school without me ever questioning the value system I've accepted to follow and be identified by.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself with lack of power, lack of money and within envy wanting what others had and I've defined it as not right that some has what I can not have and justifying it with that I am more smart, more mature and more capable for those things to have than others.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that within the lack of specific words to live out I've defined a hollowness, a need, a desire to fulfill within me in order to stop the experience of negative energies coming from the thoughts, definitions, backchats, judgments wherein I've defined myself as valuable which I could not see manifested so then I've became obsessed with self-stimulation with thoughts, feelings, emotions to feel being fulfilled by the words I've defined myself lacking.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that within experiences I wanted to have what I did not have, I desired to fell what I could not feel and justified it with the righteousness of that if others have that I should have as well equally.

I forgive myself that I have never considered common sense within seeing what is constantly present as my own human physical body here, which is always busy LIVING, BREATHING which if I am not aware of I expose myself as being lost within consciousness experiences which are of thoughts, feelings, emotions and by that not being aware what is practical, what is best for me, for others.
Solution
When and as I experience myself going into reaction, fear, thinking, I realize I have the starting point of experience, of fear of loss, fear of fear, which I let go, I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself here, physically where I share reality with all other equally.

When and as I go into virtual mind to model and try to find out what is best before acting, expressing - I realize I use past, I limit myself based on the doubt of I can not 'perform directly', so then I stop, I let go all fear, all worry and doubt and I trust myself within practical direct expression here - even if it means I do not act perfect first time but I stand up and act and express without judgment in all moment equally.

When and as I doubt myself which then I try to equate with positive thinking, energetic stimulation to recover my balance, trust to do something - I stop, I realize with the starting point of fear, doubt I am not myself but of fear as consciousness which is not real but the result of self-dishonesty, so I completely stop participating, I breathe, I re-align myself here and I express.

When and as I see a pattern unfolding within my expression, reactions which I am not fully aware of - I stop it and I investigate, I question myself, I look at myself with common sense and develop self-intimacy to see is it really who I am as Life or it has the starting point of fear and if so then I stop it, I forgive myself, I commit myself to stop act according to fear and start living directly without thoughts, feelings and emotions as direct self-expression, undefined, unlimited breath by breath.

I commit myself to stop going into virtual mind-mode wherein I can think about things instead of acting immediately by understanding it is of fear, of lack of self-trust, which if I accept will accumulate, therefore each time I participate within thinking - I stop and I find practical ways to realize the points behind it and slow down within to be able to prevent myself to think and act breath by breath.

I commit myself to let go all the fear of making mistakes, fear of fear and fear of failure, fear of pain and I trust myself and act and express each moment equally as direct expression undefined.

I commit myself to equate myself within and as the mind when I see that I accept something judged as negative and then wanting to balance out with chasing things I've allowed to automatically define as positive and I let go the addiction of energy of duality of thoughts.

I commit myself to walk through each pattern I constitute as personality and let go all fear step by step and push, birth, live myself into and as this physical existence directly within each breath.

I commit myself to walk the process of living self-forgiveness of each thought, feeling, emotion which I participated until I am here with nothing in and as the mind participating but directly living with awareness of what is here.

I commit myself to stop being addicted to thoughts and allowing and giving permission to my mind to "shoot up" thoughts from the darkness of unconscious into the light of my conscious mind without me being aware of it, only reacting to it and accepting it as who I am - instead of investigating, slowing down, bringing myself here and use common sense and develop practical self-honesty to stop each pattern of thoughts and the feeling of energetic addiction until I am clear, empty, yet here, expressive, directive in all moments, breath by breath.

I commit myself to develop practical patience within what I accumulate within understanding of how space and time and myself working in order to stop the mind of what I gave permission to automatize and limit myself to hide from facing the darkness and fear I've defined who I am and let go all definitions and live without the constant judgments and be here and remain here.

I commit myself to use the tools of Desteni providing as myself naturally with no reason and actually exploring self-enjoyment within letting go all patterns I've allowed myself to physically manifest and became one by one until I am here.

So this might seem too abstract - I bring it to the current path I walk - learning driving car. It starts to go better, so I am not fully stressed, stimulated with fear of failure of I crash in each moment with what I've allowed myself to keep 'present' - I become more relaxed, and within that the basic personality of me comes up - thin-king - going virtual - which I do not want - especially until I am not consistent within effective, safe driving.

I take self-direction and decompose the matrix of personality which through I never stopped fear but balanced out with energetic experiences. So I re-align - step by step.

For instance when I drive and with the instructor near me - I had a doubt - wherein I did not remain here and use common sense or ask directly but I went into thinking about - shall I, should I, I might, - and in that one second I went into virtual mode which is obviously not practical in a 4-laned traffic going with 60kmph. Exactly that's why I never wanted to drive before as seeing how many times I shift dimensions what seemed fast but while physical time goes it is not safe - and I'd rather avoided this point - until nowadays wherein I stabilize, I de-program and re-align myself to be able to remain here in each moment.

So when and as I am not sure, within driving I directly express, I ask, I stop, I use brake, I stop within and push here myself directly.

I commit myself to go stop myself going into thinking, virtualizing, wondering while driving car and expressing myself and remaining always here and directing the car which is part of the traffic, physics, as I am responsible for what I do.
Reward
I stop each patterns what brings me into the virtual word-based energy mirror as the mind to see what I scattered about myself around many dimensions while here in direct reality I am not directing, I am not here, I am not aware - so by writing out, saying and applying in my daily living the words I take responsibility for: I become more consistent, present, directive while being undefined yet constantly be aware of what is here and prevent manifesting consequences what is not the best for me and others.
Desteni Artists
I let go the memories what I react to automatically with judgment of negative and negative and I allow, direct myself to live in and as the moment.

I realize that the fear of negative, the fear of not having, the fear of being not good enough, the fear of myself, fear of consequences is not required - and not required to balance out with positive energies but I can understand and stop each fear with common sense and patience, practical application of self-investigation, self-correction.

I suggest to study this blog:

http://practical-desteni.blogspot.hu/20 ... ience.html

Also as the links around in the words of this post - is to link EQAFE , which is a unique, outstanding Self-support within realizing how we operate in the mind to be able to stop to assist ourselves for stop the inequality within ourselves and in the world as equal as one.

to be continued

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jozsef
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 07 Feb 2014, 02:31

Day 145
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/02/jtl ... getic.html
Within this post I continue walking through self-correction for the specific words I’ve reacted to by gaming which I’ve allowed myself to define lacking, needing, desiring within the starting point of self-definition and fear. Let’s see, a simple sentence of my story of gaming what consists of ‘behind the curtains’, meaning not just the conscious mind, what I see myself as thinking, feeling, but beyond that, behind that, below that, under that, what can be written out within directly and exploring with Self-forgiveness to see how exactly I’ve accepted self-limitation to become and evolve to be.

If one starts to walk this process – it will seem like endless – all acceptance, allowance can be explored within practical Self-honesty and first of all to know the machine(self) to stop the machine and live real transcendence – which is obviously not just meditating and stimulating energies and feel awesome but to stop limitation, to be able to take responsibility for more and more until one can stand with all what is here and always consider, act according to what is best for all. That is always simple, obvious, here, but if one does not see, realize, understand – then one can walk a PROCESS of Self-realization, which is DESTENI is standing for – no need to believe, investigate, apply, realize, expand and LIVE.

So walking the process of decomposing the energetic mind – coming from my childhood computer gaming point.

First scenario: electrified – when I saw other kids gaming, controlling the game with joystick, keyboard and the character in the game moved accordingly and avoiding enemies and going through obstacles, I’ve felt like THAT’S IT – IT IS FASCINATING, EXCITING, INTERESTING, STIMULATING.

I’ve defined my real physical living as boring, robotic, limited, predictable and tiring.

Decompose positive and negative judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my real physical living with words and then by definition I accept that in the next moment without directly experiencing, physically feeling but already having the definition not to experience, feel, be directly here because I’ve attached an energetic experience of ‘negative’ to it and trying to avoid, separated from that energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have never questioned my automatic definition mechanism within myself and not realizing that it is myself only who I give permission each time for any judgment, definition what I think of in any moment wherein I am not directly here, I am not experiencing what is here, I am not physically here therefore I am existing only within the self-accepted, self-defined, self-limited automatic energetic mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the definition of something as ‘negative’, which is not pleasant for me for a reason – I have never questioned the initial self-judgment of why in the first place I go into the energetic charge of ‘negative’ – instead of realizing that the duality, polarization of the energetic mind within me is the act of escape from what is here therefore the moment I accept and allow to go into the trinity of

me, who is defining
the subject of my definition
the act of defining

wherein I am not aware of what is real but only the separation – by the separation, as the separation, the starting point of separation, the reason for separating myself to be one and equal with what is here what I in fact fear to face, directly live therefore in any time if I define, think, judge, categorize within my mind automatically – I face the fact that I am lost within the consciousness systems which is all the systems, energies, definitions, relationships, polarities therefore I am not living, only being stimulated to react as an organic robot.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the common sense as the solution to stop myself defining within myself automatically experiences, events, physical processes by directing myself to be here, directly the physical, remaining here, feel the breath, be aware of the presence moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the obvious need for applying Self-investigation for the self-automatic definitions I live out, act out with slowing down within, always, constantly, writing out all words I react to, because within writing I am directing myself to put everything from my mind into this physical reality wherein I can see what I allowed myself to became.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic reaction of definitions, thinking, feeling and deluding myself completely with the obsession with the ‘positive’ in a hope that it is really the solution while not considering that negative and positive is the same kind of energy, only the polarity, the direction of the energetic movement is different, so whether within I participate – I am responsible for the others to create as well as positive is always relative to negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define electrifying experience when I am excited, curious, fascinated, interested within what I experience and within defining it as ‘positive’ in fact I never question why in the first place I allow myself to automatically go to positive and not seeing the FACT of already having a relationship with ‘negative’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to investigate automatic ‘negative’ experiences as well as ‘positive’-ly defined experiences as the same, as self-definition, the act of disregard of what is here, and never realizing that losing my real power as absolute self-will, self-direction, self-presence, self-consistency accumulates within each and every single participation within thinking by focusing to what is only self-created and in fact delusional and serves only self-interest within the obsession with self-definition, the energetic experience of ‘negative’ and ‘positive’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within equalizing myself and embracing all what is here as it is without judgment, without the need to be driven by a personality of what I use to tell me which is good, which is bad for me and according to that acting in the world system automatically to fulfill who I’ve defined myself to be and who I want to be, specifically who I want to be defined by myself automatically.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the Solution to become equal and one with all what is here literally without any limitation as always remain inner silent and embrace what is here and trust myself without a single thought, trusting myself to act, fall, stand up and learn just as animal, human children learn to walk, act without a thought, just direct physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have always praised energetic experiences, definitions, thoughts, positive, negative instead of seeing that all what I seek, want is be directly here and experience everything as myself as equal and one and then be able to express myself without any self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the solution to become the creator of myself, my reality directly by letting go the addiction to define, to use reasons and justifications to define positive and negative in order to try to improve myself and never seeing that with the fuzzy logic personality matrix, definition by definition in fact, really I am separating myself from what is really here, from my own human physical body, from all other beings, because I become unable to experience directly, only by definition, reaction.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that all ‘ancient’ books, scriptures, stories, legends about superhuman, master, ascended, guru, buddha, god is a reference to what ANYONE can become if being able to practically transcend their own mind, the 'own' polarity definitions, the act of judgments, definitions, the positive, the negative and allow ourselves to directly experience what is currently here.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the deception of praising consciousness, mind, thinking as better, superior, greater, more important, real and degrading direct physical, flesh, the reality here as lesser, limited, irrelevant meanwhile all within the current system which is relevant is physically measurable, directly and always here, therefore if anyone wants, desires, hopes after power – real power over and within self – must require to come back, ground oneself into and as the physical, moving here without moving within and as the energetic mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of positive, love, energy, beauty and not realizing that all is only self-generated by thoughts, feelings and emotions which are not directly me here, only a self-accepted energetic relationship manifested within and as my human physical body here.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the human physical body contains and entails of different levels of minds, which are merged into one and that is called myself meanwhile these layers can be investigated, understood, walked through and stopped participating within breath by breath, letting go definition by definition, reaction by reaction, limitation by limitation and being able to be here, always, directly constantly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief that the reality, the physical realm here is not pleasant, the actual, current human system as REALLY exists with all the FACTS here I’ve defined as avoidable, because within the already self-accepted automatic mind who I’ve defined myself to be within action, I’ve always concluded that things what exists here are NEGATIVE and within experiencing it by definition, losing myself within the experience of self-definition of ‘negative’ and never considering STOPPING defining as negative and developing the ability to embrace it as it is undefined who we really are here within and as existence.

I forgive myself that I have stopped investigating how reality, the mind, the world system really works and all the dynamics, relationships have been manifested, because I’ve defined it as too intense, defining myself as lesser, smaller, insignificant in relation to the WHOLE and not realizing that within participating this singular self-definition I accept the greatest self-limitation automatically, and expanding on that only, I develop ways to justify why I do not take responsibility for all what is here.

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Remember, nothing is what it seems and all is in reverse - nothing and nobody can be trusted in terms of what is true, as Bernard Poolman stated out: "There is no such thing as truth - only denial of what is here.".
So the 7 years of journey to life is a group effort within individuals walking their visible process to let go each and every single denial of what is here, which is obviously not a 'nice picture' but to be able to change it, we have to see it as it is directly without being reacted with 'negative' and wanting to stimulate ourselves to 'feel positive' - one must find the pace within what can effectively remain stable in the system while not accepting it as ourselves.

"Be in the system, but not of the system" - yet the system is also ourselves, so each inner reaction what with we define it - we in fact deny our currently manifested nature and until that is not stopped, transcended - we can not understand our creation to realize what must be practically done in order to change and manifest heaven on earth - which should be here, not projected AFTER death. And one practical step to heaven to give as we would like to receive - food, shelter, education, health care, water - within the system it can be distributed with the proposal of LIVING INCOME GUARANTEED. Check it out - it is down to earth - each mother knows what a child requires for nurturing - that to give to all first is practical love - and then we can play around but this is first priority - if one has problem to get it - requires process of understanding how things are, what is real life and what is of mind-programmed CONsciousness system of limitation.

An outstanding blog for realizing creation bit by bit, word by word: http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com

Okay, that's it for today, enjoy breath, explore the physical, accumulate actions what is best for all. - See more at: http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/02/jtl ... MHF2K.dpuf


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