Hi Marlen, Thanks for the support
In relation to fear that I experience – I usually experience fear when I allow myself to participate in my mind within thoughts, concerning about problems in my life and imagining or trying to figure a way out of them.
I experience fear - subconsciously - walking through day to day life, because I am walking with the problems and concerns within me, which seems - if I could lose my direction if I let go of my concerns.
Usually I am concerned with me looking for a job in my area and my father’s work and his problems with money, also this affect my relation with friends. When I am with friends, even though I am making the effort to be aware, stopping the thoughts and focusing myself in my breathing, I usually find myself to become building up with impatience that results with me being in a “waiting stance” when I am with friends - Mostly I will be concerned and will talk about myself being looking to find a job in my area and me being working for my father. From this perspective I am also trying to transcend my uneasiness of communicating with people.
I would preferably like to work in Lisbon (the capital), because many of my friends I talk with also work there.
From these points I experience some polarity where I think that I am not living the best of myself because I am not doing what I am good at, which is an idea that I have: I think that I am good or would be good at a certain job such as civil engineering - the truth is that I fear not be up to the requirements of the job, because of my uneasiness of communicating with people.
The other polarity is my present situation of being working with my father, where I think that I am experiencing myself inferior to what I think is my best.
From this situation come the concerns about money problems of my father, which I am making an effort to help in sorting out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of superior and inferior that results in resistance towards what is physical reality, as I think of a superior alternative projection of what I could be, which I fear due to my uneasiness of communicating with people;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions of fear when I have to participate in my reality, particularly when it concerns with communicating with people;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of me experiencing myself inferior to what I think is my best, and use this idea as justification to not direct myself effectively in this moment, but remain concern with future projects;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my present work uncertainty to also be uncertain of myself;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to go to another place where I could find myself, because I am denying to face myself in this moment;
In a inner perspective – I fear of not be able to direct myself effectively or fear of not be able to know how to express myself effectively - when I am thinking in which direction I must go - to bring change in me directing me in self realization.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty of having lost opportunities in the past to support myself and direct myself, even though I am being supported at this moment, but nonetheless prefer to remain hoping for something else to support me; in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the support that was given to me, where I preferred to remain hoping for something else to support me