DAY 70: Wanting To Be Liked By Everybody
I woke up yesterday at 6:30 for TAFE. I prepared ... as you do... I didn't know whether to wait at the University for the cafe open to exchange money for the bus or to walk to the Shopping Centre. I went with the shopping centre as I wanted to purchase my lunch and save money. It takes about 15 minutes to walk there.
I like the walk to the shopping centre. It is a park that has a long stretch of walk-way. It leads all along the water flow which has different species of birds. The part I walk through has several bat families. I call it Bat-bush because it is about 40 or more trees grouped together and all the bats live in the trees. Underneath the trees they used is the historical park.
The park has walk-ways to lead out of the ''bat-bush''. I walk through there having to watch where I step because bat feces fall down, and if I step on it, it gets stuck on my shoes. It is a rush when you have to go through there. lol. It is a unique place because usually you see bats in caves, but here they are in the trees fanning themselves in 38-degree heat. When I walk in there I am concerned when I see a dead one as I don't want this area to be harmed in any way.
Once I rushed out of there I went didn't have far to walk. Making to the shopping centre I noticed the timetable was at a later time. I got a coffee, and I waited for a little second. I needed to get money out of my bank for the bus. With the shopping centre not open yet and the cash machine inside the store, I'd have to wait for 8 a.m.. I believed that but I spotted a cash machine over the other side and was grateful for that. I went to wait at the busstop.
I arrived at TAFE. I was glad to see everyone as usual. It is nice to be with people. The many different faces, what we are doing, and I've started to value that more. The people you come into contact with as a group, and working on the same outcome/goal, but within that group, we are all individual and learn in different ways. Lol. It's all the mind. The difference is all the mind. Only the mind can have different stages, levels, and what not. So, it is working with someone's mind and how it functions.
I sit in the 3rd row with my group of friends. I used to look down on my group. I find myself a very mature person at times and I do like to reach different levels of conversations with other individuals. When I can not reach certain vocabulary levels with individuals, I find it is hard for me, and become less interested because I want to reach different levels. I've come to see that we shouldn't look down on people, and assist/support more. Common sense did stand in the way, and I'm glad it did. Because, my friends are starting to be less shy, and more confident in class. I like this little group that we have. I see more of a willingness for us to express ourselves more and do well. I guess I should have said this, in the group with have little groups, and I am happy that my little group is stepping out of our comfort-zones. I like it. One speaks up, and we all speak up.
I don't just stay with my little group. I like to branch out to other people in the in our class. Some people I see sit alone. I like to go over and invite myself to just sit there fore a while. I make conversation about stuff related to the course, and it is interesting what you find out about people by doing that. Once you ask a question more stuff comes out, and a story is intertwined with another story, so it is dot-points of someone's life that you get to see, and then coming to the point as the answer to the question eventually. I don't mind this, the question in the first place is usually to just get people talking and have a moment of interaction. I call it, getting to know people, and checking in with them. Some people I don't indulge too much into. In case I give them the wrong idea and think I am trying to have a partnership with them. lol. I trust myself in those moments to know when to keep going and/or when it is time to end the conversation. Small dozes depending on the person.
Yes, I like to observe, but I don't do this in a creepish way. It can be easy to come familiar with the environment that you're in, and what people give off to you in their words, behaviour etc.. It's all pretty basic when you start seeing it for yourself.
In class, I like to show the teacher my full attention. If the class starts going off into their little chat conversations which muffles over the sound of the teacher's voice, I remain focused on the teacher, and want to be a .... stable point... for her. I can tell at times she is stressed, and no wonder... she has all this stuff going on in her life, and it comes out at times. Even if she is an aware of it or not. IT is best to just stand as a stable support for her when I recognise this or shush my group so she does not have to force herself to be louder. My teacher is not an old lady, but years of work can put a strain on people.
In class, I enjoy taking notes. I do soak up everything. I wondered where all this information is going. Swirling about in my mind. There is no many different aspects of this course that we're learning about and assignments with have to do. The teachers are having to troubles with ordering the books so they're very lenient when it comes to assignments. We are told we can take as much time as we need. It is super nice. Wish University was like this, lol.
We got to watch a video of how it is working in the dementia wards in nursing homes. I was really surprised about all the skill sets that would be needed/required in that type of environment. Well, the minor detail was magnified to me. The skills sets are really cool, and I find the whole process of dementia --- and the relationship to the mind --- fascinating. What I was seeing is the potential benefits of what I'd be learning in that environment. The who I'll need to be.
After watching it we were asked a question. ''What did we think about it?''.... Some people found it all sad because they felt sorry for the people in that position and reminded them of their family member who had experienced dementia. For me, it made me extremely motivated to get out into that environment, to work in it, and start getting those skills, --- developing myself --- learning to work within it, how I could better it, and where I could assist/support. Once I go into an environment, I know I have the power to better it/change it for best for all -- through who I am, and the required efforts -- even in the smallest of details.I also saw the benefits of my future career goals.
It came time for class to end. A few of my friends decided that we'd have a study group after class. What we did is leave it too late to do this. So, we all dediced on a different day. My friend had to ask the teacher something so I said I'd wait. I walked out of the door and turned around to find myself staying there watching people come out. At that point I started saying ''see you', ''have a good afternoon'', and eventually remembering everyone's names. I think I got to say have a good afternoon or see you to everyone. lol. It was enjoyable, and I was really getting into the grove of it. Using different movements depending on who the person is. Lol, it is funny because, last week, there was a day where everything just fell into place and I actually found myself in positions where I was able to say good morning to each person. It was really enjoyable too. All of which is not always intended, it is just the moment. But, once I do notice it, I'll keep doing it, until I've said it to everyone.--- Though it has to be the time and place ... Not forced. .. I don't want all the starting point to just deliberately go about saying good morning to people to be liked by everyone in the class..
In the moments of saying have a good afternoon, see you, I found myself thinking that I am going to be the most like person in the class, and a positive energetic feel and a feel of a challenge. I considered it for a moment and I didn't want to be the most like person in the class. I did not want to put all the effort in to make sure people like me. I am genuinely a likeable person .. so everything for me has to be natural unless I am near the moment for it to be lived, and it is in that moment said or expressed. All depending on the environment. In many cases, it is for myself too. I like to push myself over fears and to express myself when I want to. Nothing needs to be forced or become a challenge. If I 'make it a goal' to be the most liked, it is then making everything challenging and complex. It is not really flowing naturally, or freestyling and winging it. lol. It's all forced. It would be pretty superficial too. Because the starting point would be to ''want someone to like me''... Creating more complications for myself if the desired outcome doesn't come to play. If the starting point is not from genuinity of being oneself/myself then it is not going to work. Yeah, as Sunette's vidoe said, ''Starting a relationship that way will not work''. Let all be natural, and be oneself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot reach different vocabulary levels with my friends
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down on my little group of friends
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the words I choose do not depend on the other person's vocabulary set
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my little group of friends are not going to be able to understand me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'd be a traitor if I went to speak with other little groups.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior/superior to my little group of friends when we're all on different levels depending on the mind and how it works.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I can reach different levels with people depending on who I a with them, as most vocabulary is accessed in good time, and without force.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be the most liked person in the class.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to make it a goal and challenge for me to be the most likeable person in the class.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the like of myself must come first before the like of another towards me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being myself will help me to be satisfied with myself, as I am the one that has to live with myself for the rest of my life and not others.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I do not need to force situation to happen
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand by questioning the starting points of my actions, I can make sure they're pure, and not forced.
I forgive myself that I haven't accpted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that I can be there for assistance/support with my little group of friends if they need/require help, and iif I have the time to do so.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/undrestand that having interactions with people outside of my little group, is beneficial for my own growth, and understanding.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that observing my environment, as I am walking about, in a non-creepy way, will assist/support me to get to know my environment and other people.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that having a balance of the study and the social is very important for success in the purpose of being linked in to the course.
I commit myself to have an equal balance of learning and socialising at tafe
I commit myself to trust myself in my choice of words, actions and deeds.
I commit myself to, during lunch time, have conversations with individuals outside of my little group.
I commit myself to remain focused on finding a job which is the desired of this courrse.